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Nothing below the belt - My belt not his!

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 March 2013) 8 Answers - (Newest, 10 April 2013)
A female United States age 36-40, *tarlasart writes:

I am a 28 year old female and I am a virgin (Vaginally and Anally), Although I have given a few (2 to count them) blowjobs I have never had the desire to have full intercourse and when the option has come up I would start to shake or even cry and had to ask my partner to stop.

I have only had 2 men see me naked and while they would tell me I was beautiful and that I could trust them I still could not allow them to do anything with me. I am alright with them touching or even using their mouths on my breasts but nothing else as it felt wrong and I would not let them do anything.

I could however preform oral sex on them without a problem (Actually I very much enjoy doing this and swallowing gives me a kind of high that I love) but when they try to give back (so to speak) I simply make an excuse and let it go or simply say "No Thanks, I'm Good".

I have lost boyfriends over this and I feel like I am defective. I really don't know what to do because I am sure a man would not want a relationship with blowjobs as the only sexual pleasure he could get from me. I had one relationship last almost 8 years and he finally told me he was moving on, I could not give him what he needed. I feel both "LOST" and "DEFECTIVE". Please help! Thanks for your time...

View related questions: blow-job, breasts, oral sex, swallow

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013):

Stay true to yourself! You have such an opportunity here! Look around this website at how many married men are haunted at night (serious pain and tears) by the fact that their wife had some other guy's penis in her before him. You have the ability to achieve the beautiful thing that all of these poor souls anguish over because they see how beautiful it is while seeing that they can never get it. Your virginity is a diamond that tons of guys would fawn over. Don't take it lightly. You're special!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013):

You are not defective!

The first girl I fell in love with was exactly like you -- and she took me in her mouth perhaps a thousand times over the year or so that we dated. Sometimes we'd go down to the Keys (we lived in Miami,) get a motel room and stay there, mostly, with her wrapped up in a robe to keep warm, with me holding on to her head or her breasts, and getting my ejaculate sucked out of me.

She loved me. I was an utter fool for not marrying her. She was 10-15 years older, I was 25. I never asked her age. I married well, we've been married for 34 years now.

But that woman, well, I'll never forget her...

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A female reader, Starlasart United States +, writes (28 March 2013):

Starlasart is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Starlasart agony auntTo k_c100, daletom, JustHelpinAgain, & anonymous.

First. Thank You so much for taking the time to talk with me about my issues. I have sent up an appointment to see a psychologist next week. She said she will see me for the first initial session for free and then see what else will need to happen. She also told me about a sex group where people can talk about issues with sex. Everything from seeking tips to physical issues. I will leave an update next week. Thanks Again!

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A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (27 March 2013):

Don't think of yourself as broken or having something wrong. Fear of the unknown is a totally normal response. Many young people, especially women, go through quite a few bad experiences with sex before they enjoy good ones, so don't worry about what you might have missed. Work on your fear of sex, probably best alone, allow yourself to feel sexy and enjoy your body. And when you meet a guy ask him to be slow, keep your clothes on for as long as possible and enjoy touching. Remember, as a woman you still have over ten years till your sexual peak.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013):

Dear OP,

I agree that it would be good to seek professional help.

Maybe I can add some personal experience here. Due to a very restrictive upbringing and some bad experiences with sexual harassment, I had developped a phobia-like fear of getting close to men. It was really bad. I am bisexual, and so I avoided the problem by living as a lesbian till I was in my mid-twenties. At that age, I finally decided I am too old to live on like this. Now, I was too shy to talk to a therapist about it and so I tried to cure myself. And this is what I did.

1) I watched a lot of porn that showed sex between a man and a woman, and I chose to watch porn where I felt the woman was having fun. That way, I had some image in mind that wasn't as horrifying as those in my head. I also watched "instructional porn" to get advice on how to be good at hand jobs. I have to admit that it's hard to find porn where the woman seems to really enjoy herself. I watched Dane Jones and Erika Lust porn.

2) I talked to good friends about my problem and let them describe how sex felt for them. They told me they liked it, so that took part of my fear.

3) I "practised" sex with a dildo. Yes, that's weird, but it took away a lot of the fear because I got used to this weird feeling of penetration and I learned to relax.

4) I went on the net for sex contacts and met with two guys that were quite "harmless" and inexperienced. So I wasn't scared that they would rape me and I lost my heterosexual virginity to one of them.

I can say that my self-invented therapy had some mixed results. I am not afraid of vaginal sex with a man anymore and I can enjoy it. But, some movements and things that men do still trigger an enormous fear in me, even cause me to stay paralized, unable to talk or think. Basically, to have sex with me means to have sex with someone who's very emotionally unstable. It can be fun, it can end in drama.

Also, my attempts to heal myself have sometimes lead me to get involved with guys that seemed trustworthy, but weren't.

Of all the things I did, I would recommend practising with a nice dildo and talking with friends about sex. The anonymous sex contacts and porn kind of helped me, but this can also fire backwards. Maybe it's not for everyone. Anyway, I hope this helped.

If you seek help, I recommend you go to a female therapist. Because a man might not really understand the problem.

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A male reader, daletom United States +, writes (27 March 2013):

If you truly had a relationship for almost 8 years then you must have the mental, and character, qualities that make you attractive. I'll bet you are physically attractive as well. I won't even begin to speculate about why you are reluctant to embrace and enjoy your sexuality.

Please find a trained person who can help you with this. As in most professions, there are inept (or occasionally even fraudulent) practitioners to avoid; many capable people who can be helpful to your situation; and a few who are an ideal match to your personality and condition. If you give somebody a fair try and it doesn't seem to be effective, then don't be afraid to try somebody else - but by the same measure, don't think you have to keep looking until you find the "perfect" helper.

Best wishes for your success!

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A female reader, Starlasart United States +, writes (26 March 2013):

Starlasart is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Starlasart agony auntDear k_c100, Thank You so much for your honest and sweet response. It is nice to hear from someone that does not think of me as a loser so to speak. There is a place in town where I live that will see clients for the first session free. I am going to make an appointment first thing tomorrow morning and see what they say. I never would have if I did not hear from someone who was as honest as you. Thank You so much again.

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (26 March 2013):

k_c100 agony auntI think you should seek help from a doctor and a therapist, there is clearly something psychologically going on that is stopping you from enjoying sexual contact and there will be a reason for this.

Dont carry on suffering in silence, there will be something a doctor or therapist can do to help you, so be brave, take the big step to talking to someone about it and then progress from there. There are even specialist sex therapists who will be used to seeing this kind of thing, so dont feel silly for seeking help and dont be embarrassed.

God luck!

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