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What do I do? How can she still want to be with someone who she is not sexually attracted to, nor IN love with?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Faded love, Family, Flirting, Health, Online dating, Sex, Social Media, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2017)
A male Jersey age 36-40, *ennyJ writes:

Apologies if I ramble but I have some much to get off my chest ??

My Fiancée of nearly 14 years and the mother of my 2 beautiful daughters (11 and 6) had told me she loved me but is not IN love with me several years ago.

We have also not had sex for over 2 years and the time before that was over 2 years.

Now I did have a kind of breakdown over 5 years ago as I thought she was cheating on me and I had gone spying in her FB account and phone, which I know was way out of order.

I did this because she had gone off sex and I was lucky if we were doing it a couple of times a year. Having read advice here and elsewhere it seemed that the number one cause of a partner going off sex was that they are getting it elsewhere.

After many months of worrying I snooped and found messages from guy several years previously that were very suggestive and discussed meeting up. I had also found letter she had wrote to a friend from not long after we originally got together.

In the letters, to male friend, she said that she was getting bored and missed her regular sex marathons, mentioning 2 men by name. Was not sure if they were at the same time and not sure if I do!

She is also still very good friends with lot of her exes and I have always been given the impression by her friends that she was certainly very into sex before I meet her.

Now I confronted her and my world nearly fell apart.

She promised on our daughters life she didn't cheat on me but had considered it, she said it felt good to be wanted.

Now I will be the first to admit that our sexual relationship had become strained.

She would pretty much always say no and give various reasons as to why not, tired, I didn't help round the house enough or with the girls and wasn't affectionate enough.

Now all of this was correct although being rejected 99% of the time makes it hard to stay affectionate and romantic.

The excuses kept coming even when I started doing my fair share round the house and started being a proper father. All to make her happy.

So the spying and stuff was my own fault and it was making me ill, I couldn't sleep, had no appetite, was having very dark thoughts which included thinking of suicide on a pretty much daily basis.

I needed help so I started see therapist to get through my issues. I also went on Prozac which I still take to this day and have recently gone back to a daily dosage as the darkness has started to descend again.

However as you can tell despite me going through a personal hell and doing everything I can to make her happy 5 years later and sex just the twice in that time I still don't know if she is even IN love with me again.

She knows about all that I went through, she read the letter the therapist wrote to me about her conclusions.

We had discussed going to see a couples therapist as she has said that she just isn't interested in sex

I don't know what to do and as I said the dark thoughts are creeping back in and every night I have the craziest dreams which are all about me going mad because nobody listens to me or cares about how I feels. She is always in them and in pretty much every dream she is flirting with her exes and other men but just laughs at me and I get angrier and angrier in the dreams to the point if screaming.

So of course I wake up feeling drained and like s^^t.

What do I do, how can she still want to be with someone that she is not sexually attracted to nor IN love with?!?

Believe it or not I could go on for ever about this and again sorry for rambling.

View related questions: flirt, her ex

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (26 January 2017):

She isn't your fiancée she is your roommate. When she told you she was no longer in love with you it was time to leave. She has cut you off sexualiy throwing you the occasional pity screw to keep yo around. You say she has gone off sex. Well you have pretty convincing evidence that she has gone off sex with you but not with plenty of other men. How can she still want to be with you? You care for the kids, you pay your share of the expenses you cook and clean and she doesn't have to have sex with you but she has sex with others. You're the perfect nanny why wouldn't she want to keep you around.

The question is how do you plan to be a doormat for a woman who neither loves nor respects you?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI honestly don't think this woman loves you. She is probably scared to leave you in case you do something silly therefore she is staying with you for the sake off the children. But honestly it is not fair on your children growing up with two parents who have no love between them, because they will learn that this is the way a relationship should be, no affection or closeness. You honestly should just say to yourself enough is enough. You can still spend time with your children, but why be with someone who does not want to be with you?

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2017):

celtic_tiger agony auntI just have one small comment -

"my fiancee of 14 years"

Do you think that she might have got fed up waiting for you to commit fully to her, and now has given up all hope?

Your relationship in real terms has never been made "official" in the eyes of the law, or god (if you are religious) and for some people that can be a huge issue.

She has been a proxy wife for all those 14 years, given you two children, and you have had all the benefits of a wife, yet, in her eyes, she might see this as you having your cake and eating it too, because you have not fully committed to her. Legally, if you were to drop down dead or get hit by a flying pig she would not have any kind of wife status. You could run off with a Bolivian hamster farmer and she would have no comeback on you. Because you are not married. Yet you have got paranoid about her cheating, but will give her no security with regards to your relationship status.

You say yourself, "she wanted to be wanted" as more than just a cook, cleaner, child rearer and sex doll.

I suspect she was looking for someone who would treat her as a woman, someone who actually saw her, rather than just being there when you get home from work.

Perhaps she wanted you to want HER enough to make that commitment.

Have you considered that your lack of interest, and apathy towards your relationship may have turned her off sex? Why should she make love to someone who hasn't made her a wife after 14 years?

Can you see how that might make you feel a little unloved?

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A male reader, BennyJ Jersey +, writes (9 January 2017):

BennyJ is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Firstly I would never do anything to hurt my children. Ever! Hence why I would never have followed through with my thoughts of hurting myself.

Secondly they are my world and I love them to bits. They certainly do not get the impression that Daddy is hurting in anyway.

All the other aspects of my life are good and that includes pretty much everything my Fiancée and I have.

Perhaps I was being melodramatic with my choice of wording and yes I probably should have read my original post back.

I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but surely it should be something?

Thank you for the responses as they are very much appreciated.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

I don't think it is reasonable for a partner to expect that someone remain in a relationship with them yet deny them sexual affection for years ( barring a serious medical condition). That is just shocking to me. I think you need to put your foot down. Maybe she just wants to stay together for the kids, but she will have to put some effort in reignite Nguyen the spark. And agree to therapy.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 January 2017):

I think you want her more because she has rejected you. Craving the forbidden. Retro-jealousy! It is a blow to your ego to be rejected. Your jealousy and rage over her possible cheating makes you hold-on tighter; because your possessive-nature infuriates you to think of her with another man. It's tied a lot to your ego, not love.

The sad part is that you said you were a better father and helped around the house to make her happy. Doesn't it matter that you make your daughters happy that you are being their dad? Shouldn't that come easy, like second-nature? Shouldn't that bring you tremendous joy to love them and be loved by them??? You make them sound incidental, sir! I know that's not your intention, but you have to read your post a couple of times over.

I do see the pain and frustration in you words; I empathize with your feelings. Don't get me wrong about that.

Your obsession is over your ex-fiance's sexual activities with other men. Then all you talked about in the post is how little sex you have. You only remedied your shortcomings hoping to increase your access to sex.

Seriously?!!

Continue your therapy. I do not like the use of the word "darkness" to describe any kind or thoughts or behavior. Particularly when young children are involved. It implies the possibility of doing harm. Whether you mean that or not!

Love your daughters and be the best dad ever! Their mother has been honest by telling you she is not in-love with you.

Maybe continued therapy will help you to accept this; and allow you to work to change in order to be a great father. And hopefully to be on good terms with your ex. For the sake of your children, if for no other reason. Make that you goal, instead. It will benefit you to the end of your days!

The girls you fathered are the most important and most valued beings in all of this! First and foremost!

Not sex!

I hope your healing will bring you to this conclusion.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (8 January 2017):

So, reading your question and your follow-up, things are now so bad that, on top of having no sex, even having a kiss with the person you’re supposed to love is making you feel paranoid. There’s saliva when kissing, that’s just how it is. I do agree completely with Mystiquek. I try always to encourage people to work on their issues, to communicate and to try and find compromises together. But in this case it sounds like you’ve done everything you can and this woman isn’t going to change. Her heart isn’t in making it work: she’s happy to have you around. Do you not deserve better than to be tolerated because you are dependable? You want to be wanted, loved and cherished and I’m sorry, but I don’t see that you’ll ever get this from her.

You can be a good father whilst being separated. Maybe if you weren’t so depressed and anxious you’d be more emotionally available and an even better father to your children. You can help the mother of your children out and you can be in the girls’ lives, but for your sake I think you need to be out of this relationship now.

I wish you all the very best.

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A male reader, BennyJ Jersey +, writes (8 January 2017):

BennyJ is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I would never actually go through with the dark thoughts and I got better at handling the dark days with the help of the therapist and of course the Prozac.

The problem is I love her so much and still "want" her even though its been so long.

As I said she has agreed that she needs to work on her issues but she hasn't actually done anything to change.

I can't even remember when we last had a proper snog, she doesn't like me kissing as I have trouble controlling me saliva.

This of course made me really paranoid when we did kiss.

I don't kniw if I could be without her and the girls everyday of my life

?!?

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (8 January 2017):

mystiquek agony auntThis is going to start out harsh but seriously sir..what are you doing with this woman? Why oh why would you put yourself through this? You are young and I am sure you could find a nice lady that would love you and want to share herself and her life with you. If its to the point where you want to kill yourself then you need to get out...and get out NOW! She isn't worth the pain that you are putting yourself through man! Don't you see that?? Its like banging your head against a brick wall..you know its going to hurt but you keep doing it?? WHY???

I couldn't live like you are living nor would I even want to try. End things, settle up and move on so that you can remember what its like to be happy. You will NEVER be happy with this woman and I guarantee she isn't worth killing yourself over. She likes security and you don't give her a hard time so yeah..she keeps you around. Stop being a doormat dear and put your happiness first. Do right by your children but get rid of the sadness that is coming from being with someone who doesn't give a damn about you.

I hope you'll think about everything and realize its ok to give up and walk away....I wish you well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017):

Its time to think of becoming less dependant on her.

She is worried about your behaviour and it makes her anxious.

This makes you anxious.

What kind of life does your missus have outside of your home life?

It certainly sounds unconventional but I think you could loosen up a bit.

You have two beautiful daughters you say?

Dad on prozac stressing about Mum in a beautiful place like Jersey!

Just try to put some meaning into your life and see if you can see it from another angle.

Maybe you can think about all the ways you are blessed in your life , rather than thinking of the negatives.

Breathe some fresh air and talk to your family more because it seems as though you are wandering off course.

When was the last time you had a happy family day?

Xmas has just gone and New Year.

How was it all then?

Some people think sex is only a small part of long term familly life.

And keeping it together is a big part of family life.

Making sure you have a roof over your head and food on the table and utilities paid for.

If you spend too much time on worrying about sex the basics can fly out of the window and you can have nothing left.

So prioritise whats important!

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