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How can I cope with my husband cheating on me two years ago, with a blood relative? He has cut contact with her, but I'm still trying to cope with his betrayal

Tagged as: Cheating, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2017)
A female United States age , anonymous writes:

My husband was adopted as an infant.

He later found his birth family.

Since then he has had sex with his half sister. It is tearing me up inside.

I'm still with him, he does not have contact with her now, but I wonder about his heart.

This happened two years ago

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntTwo years and you are still cut up? That to me tells me that you never got over it. Therefore why are you still with him? You need to decide what you want to do.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 January 2017):

Maybe the problem is you can't forgive him. Not only are you having difficulty dealing with the betrayal, but your sense of moral-values or boundaries have been violated. A half-sister is still a sister. They share a biological-parent! That eats away at you, I must presume. You are emotionally traumatized!

If forgiveness hasn't materialized in such a long period of time, it is unlikely it ever will. Why do you stay if you can't trust him, and you're so angry about what he did?

You can't let it go; because you are filled with resentment over the cheating. I am certain this resentment is acted-out; because pent-up anger bottled for that long has to pop the cork! Your anger will manifest in negative or passive-aggressive behavior. Verbal-abuse, dirty looks, coldness, silence, suspicion, and flat-out rage during a simple disagreement. You lose control. You cry when you're alone. Sometimes you feel very depressed. I read it in your post.

Marital-counseling is good for the sake of mediation and allowing each party to come to terms. You're able to communicate without arguments; and express your true feelings. Only if you both really want to save the marriage. However; rebuilding trust and forgiveness is not something they can make you do. That is a matter of love, your personality make-up, your capacity for complete and real forgiveness; and what you are able to tolerate within your system of values.

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (8 January 2017):

like I see it agony auntI'm so sorry to hear you had to experience something like this. It would be a lot for anyone to process, and it doesn't surprise me that after two years you are still struggling with it. Cheating alone is extremely difficult for most people to cope with, and your husband's infidelity has the added element of incest with a family member.

If you are struggling to understand WHY it might have happened, you may wish to read about "genetic sexual attraction," which is slowly being recognized (and played out) as technology allows more adopted children to reunite with their previously unknown biological relatives.

If your ultimate wish is to repair the marriage and stay together, I would also STRONGLY suggest professional marital counseling for both of you to help you move forward from this.

I hope this helps you. Good luck and best wishes moving forward.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWhy are you still with him?

It seems like even though he cut the contact YOU are still not over this and probably don't trust him or respect him (both which are NORMAL when you get cheated on) - but the question is WHY stay if you feel this way even after 2 years? Is it fair on YOU? and is it fair on HIM?

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