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My abusive ex is dating again. Would it be weird or wrong if I warn his new Gf about him?

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2017) 14 Answers - (Newest, 10 January 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello all,

Ok here's the short situation

I was married have two kids with the guy.

He cheated and abused me verbally and physically. We ended up getting a divorce and I'm finally free of him.

He is living in another county now. He does not see the children, but I let them communicate from time to time.

He is a bad person but I would like for them to make their own decision if they want to keep in touch or not. Now here's the issue. He is dating a new girl and I feel bad for her.

I wanted to send her a message over Facebook and warn her about him.

Seriously I feel bad about the previous girl he dated. She fell for him big time and he ruined her life.

She ended up with bad credit and to top that off he gave her an std.

I don't care if he goes around and does whatever he wants but he's got his eye on decent females and I'm afraid that this new girl will be his latest victim.

Would it be weird or wrong if I warn her about him?

Would it make me look like some jealous ex? I honestly don't care about him and what he does but it's just not fair what he's doing to these girls! What do you guys think?

View related questions: divorce, facebook, jealous, std

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

I just wanted to say that I think you're very caring to want to warn her. I would CERTAINLY want to know if it were me! To my mind it matters less to ask whether anyone warned you about him, and more to ask whether you WISH anyone had warned you about him.

This woman could waste two years of her life with him before she sees what she's got into. You could save her that- or at least set the seed for her to be ready to look out for red flags.

I agree that it's not fair to be shot as the messenger.

So why not do something very anonymous. Write it as though it could be written by anyone who has met or heard the story of any one of his exes.

There's nothing to lose by this. It might not have an immediate effect, but she'll be ready to see the signs when they develop.

And knowing that you've at least tried to help her could give you great piece of mind.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 January 2017):

You can go through the legal process to get child-support without having anything to do with him. It is done completely through the legal system; and the money can be deposited to an account for your children. That money is owed the children, and has nothing to do with you. Just because he chooses not to pay it, doesn't mean he is not obligated to pay it.

It is likely you are struggling alone, and the children will be deprived of things they need. You may have to turn to social services for things beyond your means; while the sperm-donor gets off scot-free. The children will also have the right to sue daddio for back child-support in the future. So you're doing them more harm than good not making him pay his dues. Who cares about all the other women he bred with, you be the smartest of them.

It's not about you and what you don't want to deal with, it is about his legal and financial responsibility for the children he fathered. Plain and simple.

Yes, he will meet his match; and karma can be a bitch!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok so I really appreciate all your input and I have decided to not say anything. I don't wish what he has done to me or my children on anyone but the fact of the matter is my children come first.

Hopefully she gets out without damages but I can't focus on others my children are my number one priority and one of these days he'll get his hopefully this is the girl that will do it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

Oh man ok

One child was from his teenage years that nobody talks about I only found out about it after we were divorced.

The other two are after our divorce. So within three years he has two children by two different women.

Four women all together and 5 children that he is not interested in taking care of any of them.

I really want to tell her and i feel like if I don't karma is gonna come after me for keeping my mouth shut. And then again I go back to I don't wanna be labeled as jealous or psycho ex so I wanna let her figure it out on her own. I don't even think she knows he has any kids, because if a man were to tell me hey I got 5 kids and I like to ignore the responsibilities of being a parent I don't think any woman would have any interest in that. It's just I saw the aftermath of what he did to the previous girl and it's just not fair to sit back.

Thank you for your replies by the way I greatly appreciate it.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (9 January 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

"He has other children with other women"

Did any of the other women warn you about him? If yes, then warn the new lady. If you were given that help, but refused it, then do the same for others, and let them refuse it.

If these other women knew, and did not say a word to you...well.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok maybe I should have gone more in depth with this. He does not pay me any child support or alimony. He has other children with other women and is not supporting any of them either. I have a feeling she will figure it out on her own but we were together for about 2 years before I even got a clue about who he is. I don't want him back in my life nor do I want him in my children's lives but he still is their father and I don't think it's my right to keep them from him like I said they will make their own choice.

I just feel bad for her she seems like a decent person (we have a few mutual friends) and idk. I just don't want to seem like the crazy ex but I guess I should just let her figure it out for herself

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (9 January 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Your "EX"...Should be EXactly that... An EX...as in EXtinct. No longer a part of your life or thoughts.

Why are you look back to see what he is doing or who he is dating?

You should be living as if you never met him or knew him.

Some people change...some. Maybe he will treat her right...you never know. Maybe he "may" have learnt his lesson from how he treated you. Then you break things up before they get started.

Not your life anymore, not your man anymore. You have done your part by getting away from him. DONE.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI find this so different from the average "tell the new GF" because there is the element of abuse involved.

I have NEVER been in a physically abusive relationship and I'd probably take it with a grain of salt if some past GF told me that the guy I'm seeing is just SUCH a man. BUT I'm smart enough to listen to it and then pay attention.

The problem is that she most likely won't believe you and IF he wants to, HE can use it against you.

Have you filed any police reports against him? Restraining order? ANY LEGAL "proof" that she can READ and understand? You TELLING her that he did this and that, it's hard for many to swallow. Mostly because they DO NOT want to know that this new guy whom they think is super! can be a total jerkwad.

Would I want to know? Yes.

Would I tell someone? I don't know. Like I said I haven't BEEN in a physically abusive relationship, but somehow I can't imagine that I would want to play ignorant to his behavior.

It's a really tough one.

It's NOT like a guy who mentally and physically abuses women will JUST stop. It's a pattern. It's so ingrained that most of them will do it again and again.

If you DO send her anything, do it anonymous and you BETTER back it up with proof. And be prepared for HIM to take it out on you in any way shape or form. If you don't feel you WANT to deal with that, it's OK to not do it.

In the US you can do a background check for $10 -20 it's SO worth it for ANY women who starts to date a guy to check him out.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 January 2017):

You may as well not get involved. Mind your own business. Just be sure he pays his child-support. He could easily convince her that you're just a bitter ex. He has his backup-story and his version of what goes on. She'll write you off as baby-mama drama. It's typical and predictable. Even parents can't convince good-girls to shy from bad-boys; they jump in with both feet!

I don't care how conniving a guy is; women who think they're in-love, see only what they want to see. If he ruined one woman's credit, and gave another an STD; chances are, they knew he was bad news when they met him. Sometimes they know, and don't care. They want their chance to see if they can tame and change him. Too many women pull the Florence Nightingale act on wayward strays and ass-holes; thinking their love will change a bad man. The smarter ones see them coming from 10-miles away; and run screaming for the hills! They smell the stench behind his facade.

The thing about bad-men is they can't hide their true nature that long. You know that from your own experiences. He didn't suddenly become the devil, he was always the devil. You wanted him so bad, you designed your own image of what you wanted him to be. You decided to keep him and live in denial. It took time, abuse, and a mother's love for her children; to bring you to the point you were not going to stand for it anymore.

I am sad to say, the other women had to learn life sometimes the hard way. As a tool for their survival.

What makes you think the others haven't warned her?

They have to know what they're dealing with "before" giving him their heart. Instead of falling for his looks, charms, and the way he swings his stick.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." He has his karma coming to him, and rest assured. He will meet his match.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017):

I was in an abusive relationship for 20 years and left but no I wouldn't go and tell the women anything.

It would be pointless you will be made to look the crazy ex. i know you are just trying to help but it won't look like that, you have to let them find out for themselves which they will eventually.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017):

Unless he is a regular sex offender and on some police list I think you should butt out.

You are divorced.

You are not involved in their relationship.

He is not your ward of court.

It stinks of malicious behaviour no matter how well intentioned.

You could warn every one you see about not crossing the roads except at the lights or they might get knocked down and only a few would listen!

It sounds like you are worried he will make more children and not meet his financial obligations to yours.

But unless there is a court order on him there is nothing much you can do.

Presumably you contacter the police every time he beat you senseless so it is in fact their responsibility to do the warning.

It is your responsibility to keep away from them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017):

The trouble with these abusive men is, they know what they're doing. I mean that they're clever and crafty and conniving.

When I was with my last ex who was abusive, he told me many times about his ex and how jealous she was and how crazy etc etc. He made sure that we never crossed paths and I strongly suspect that this was so I would not discover that she was probably perfectly normal. He was the jealous crazy one. What I'm trying to say is that he has probably already got this covered. He will have or will be, poisoning her mind against you. So that if and when you do try to warn her, she will think you're jealous, it's sour grapes etc.

I'm worried about my ex's new girlfriend because she looks very young. But apart from the fact I would never be able to get near her, I don't think she would believe me. As horrible as it is, I have to let her find out for herself.

I think it's admirable for you to want to try to protect her, but if you do, just bear in mind that you may well have been painted as crazy.

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A female reader, like I see it United States + , writes (8 January 2017):

like I see it agony auntI have a feeling that you're going to get a variety of answers on this, but personally? In her shoes, I would absolutely want to know. It sounds like he turns on the charm (and doesn't disclose his STD status) initially, and only eventually does the ugly truth come out. Please note, there's nothing wrong or shameful about having an STD - "good" people get them too - but it does (or should) obligate transparency with the unaffected partner as well as appropriate precautions in the bedroom, and it sounds like this guy doesn't care about any of that, which is pretty terrible on his part.

That said, while I absolutely do think you should share the information, I also expect you to face an uphill battle in getting his new partner to believe you. It's clear from your post that your words aren't spoken from a place of jealousy, but that's what she's likely to assume, given that the message comes from an ex of his. He may even help her to arrive at that conclusion by painting you as crazy or jealous himself, if he hasn't already. Be prepared for that assumption. Be prepared for her to be angry or in denial and to block you on social media. She isn't going to want to believe that the new partner who gives her butterflies is actually an abuser, physically and financially, concealing an STD. Who would?

That said - give her the information. What she does with it is her choice, whether she believes you or not is her choice, but at least you'll know you did what you could in this situation.

Hope this helps you. Best wishes!

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A female reader, BetteCliq United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2017):

I was in your position a couple of months ago and after much deliberation I decided to say nothing. Even with the best intention in the world the messenger always gets shot and the chances of her believing you are slim.

Guys who are abusive can charm the birds from the trees and the chances are that he's spun his new lady a fictional story where he hasn't told her even half the truth, that includes probably painting an unrealistic picture of you. The reason they do this is they are covering their own back in case their past catches up with them. If you go knocking on her door he's already planted in his new partners brain a story so she doesn't believe you.

It's a tough situation to be in, but you need to focus on you, hope that she smells a rat and runs a mile and if she ever shows up at your door then then that's another story.

Your ex won't change, even if he thinks he can or says she has. The past has a way with catching up with people in the end.

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