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My ex cheated on me, it took me 2 years to get over him and now he wants to try again

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 October 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 13 October 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

At what point can you be sure you have forgiven someone for hurting you, and take them back?

3 years ago my then boyfriend of nearly 2 years left me for someone else. It took me a long time to get over it, but I did. I never really forgot he had cheated on me but as we were part of a group of friends that spent a lot of time together, after a year or so, we started hanging out together again. By this time his other relationship had ended and I was going on a few dates but nothing came of anything until last year when I started seeing someone. We ended it this summer as we just were a bit too different. Our friendship group have always asked if we would give our relationship another go, and I have always said no because I didn't believe it would work. But one night, while he was drunk I might add, my ex kept trying to get me to dance with him and putting his hands on me. We were at a friend's party so I had been drinking too but wasn't drunk, and whenever I kept walking away or telling him to stop, he did so but then carried on a while later. I'd just split up with my recent boyfriend so I wasn't interested in affection at all. We didn't talk about it until last month when out of the blue he text me saying he was sorry for his behaviour and that he didn't want me to be upset with him and he liked that we had grown close recently. We have been spending time together alone more recently, gigs, cinema that sort of thing. He asked me if I would wanted to maybe take things slow and see if we could get back together. I have a feeling that he has been talking to his best friend's girlfriend about me because he has brought up things that I have mentioned to her.

While I'd love to try again because he makes me laugh, he is a really fun person to be around and he is great with my job taking up a lot of my free time, I just can't get over that when our relationship was brilliant before he cheated on me and walked out of me. We had sex nearly every night, we had a good relationship, we were happy and we had started looking at houses to buy together. I love him still, I know I do or I wouldn't be willing to see him as often as I do but I mean, we were serious and happy but he cheated. How do I know I can take the risk again when it took me two years to get over it last time. He promises me he wouldn't do it again and that he was just a bit shook up by a death in his family but it's not a good enough excuse really is it.

View related questions: best friend, cheated on me, drunk, get back together, my ex, split up, text

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (13 October 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntHe didn't write you a heartfelt letter apologizing- because he's not thinking with his heart. I really agree that an apology text after two years shows how much respect and care he thinks you deserve- maybe a minutes worth, the time it takes him to send his crappy throwaway apology. Please that just says it all. The way he sees you- a COMMODITY. Someone to chase when he wants to play, someone to grope when he's horny, the fact you say no makes it a better game for him.

You're really seeing him through rose tints.

Do you really think this is all you're worth?? If you actually do can I just say it ISN'T. You're a good person, which is more than can be said for him.

Who exactly is backing your side here? If these friends are the closest ones you have- reconsider these friendships. Doubt THEY'D be egging you on if it happened to them.

I think you need better people around you- to help you realise your worth. People that respect your feelings and want the BEST for you. These people are flakes-

Good people deserve to have someone who will return the love and protection of their hearts. This guy is 100% not worthy of you or up to that task. PLEASE listen to us and not the small voice that says HE is all you deserve.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2017):

Move on .. stop hanging out just the two of you may. Have some self respect ...he's using you if he felt bad about what happened why has is took him so long to apologise.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntSweetie don't fall for his charm again. What a lame excuse he is using saying it was a death that caused him to cheat, grief should have pulled him closer to you, not in to another woman's bed. If you forgive him once he will think you will keep on forgiving him. It took you two years to get over him, and yes you still love him because you think off the good times, but could you really put yourself through that again? He choose another girl over you, he apologizes only now because he wants to get back with you because he has nobody else, what happens when another girl turns his head and he leaves again? Don't do it.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (12 October 2017):

N91 agony auntI don't even need to read the question.

Not in a million years should you take him back, this would be the single most worst decision of your life and the fact that you're even contemplating it is insane.

Do you honestly think you can't find someone out there that won't cheat on you? Could you seriously trust him? Come on, use your head!

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A female reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 United States + , writes (12 October 2017):

Forgive him, but don't forget what he did. Do not take him back esp since his cheating affected you so much, you have healed and moved on, no reason to let him hurt you again.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (12 October 2017):

YouWish agony auntHoneypie brought up THE POINT of the entire issue.

This guy cheats on you and devastated you, not to mention shattered the trust irrevocably, yet the best this little man can do is TEXT an apology after 2 years??

This is the behavior of a guy who wants a sexual source, not a girlfriend. He knows full well that you have interest, but he does not respect you, because when you were drunk, he didn't bare his soul to you, but rather groped you like a 13-year old boy in heat and wouldn't listen to you saying no.

Stay away from him. He's not a good person, and he has not changed. If you go back, you have zero self-esteem. Trust doesn't come back, and he isn't really wanting a relationship, but a willing sexual supplier. He'll drop you again when something more shiny comes along.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (12 October 2017):

BrownWolf agony auntLet me put it this way...

My dog tore my arm off...should I keep playing with it???

What do you think??

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntDon't you know any other men with whom you would like to have a relationship? Why would you go back to someone who has already proved he cannot be trusted and has shown he is capable of hurting you badly, despite you having what you believed to be a good relationship? Would you ever be able to relax and trust him again? Even if things were going really well, you would be reliving how he left you last time even though everything seemed to be going well.

If you had no misgivings about getting back with him, you would not be asking the question on here. What is your gut instinct? I suspect it is telling you not to go there again and get hurt again. Listen to it. That's MY advice.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think if it took him 2 YEARS to actually apologize for his actions, he isn't apologizing because he knows he did a crappy thing to you. He is apologizing to make himself more "datable" or "palatable" in your eyes.

" Awww, he apologized he must really care!"

I don't think an apology over TEXT (no less, he couldn't even bother saying hey I would like to talk to you in person...) means much in the bigger picture. Maybe you two were heading down a road that felt too "serious" for him (with the buying a house etc.) and that is why he decided to dump you and date someone less "serious".

"He promises me he wouldn't do it again"

You don't know if he can KEEP that promise. HE doesn't know that either.

As the apology, this promise is just pretty words he presumes you want to hear. Now, he might MEAN then when saying them, doesn't mean he will KEEP the promise.

He has had 2 YEARS to come to this conclusion but it wasn't till you showed less interest that he started to pursue you. think about it. Death in his family is no excuse.

The reason it took YOU this long to get over him (though I don't think you ARE over him) is that he has been in the peripheral these last 2 years, he dumped you but kept being around you. He didn't give you space at all to move on. And then your friends who are encouraging of you getting back together - HERE IS THE thing though... THEY aren't the one who got hurt when he dumped you for another woman - and THEY aren't the ones who will be dating him (potential). It's easy for them to say - Oh give him a chance!! His mother would probably say the same, whereas YOUr mother might say, don't go back to someone who has already proven to cheat on you.

If you DO try again, be prepared to get hurt 10X times more if he does it again or decides it's not working.

If you put your hand on the burning stove and burn your hand... are you going to do that again? I know it's a simplistic view of it. But if a relationship DIDN'T work out even if it felt like it was "brilliant" to you, what has really changed since then? Is the issue as to WHY this happened sorted out? (no it's not btw. you even say:" he was just a bit shook up by a death in his family but it's not a good enough excuse really is it." Because it's NOT a good "enough" excuse to CHOOSE to cheat on a partner. There ISN'T a "good enough" excuse out there for that.

The reason you are THIS cautious to get back together even though you feel deeply for him still is due to what HE chose to DO to you.

I think you REALLY need to take a good long thinking about that.

Personally? I wouldn't do it. There are SO many other guys out there who haven't done this to you and who might never do it either.

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A female reader, mishi 1 United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

mishi 1 agony auntI been in same situation. But , I didn't accept him when he come back. There was no trust any more. If I am in your position I never accept someone who had been hurt me. If he loved you or cared for you he never hurt you.

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