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Should I let my wife have a young lover since I can't perform as I once did?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 October 2017) 15 Answers - (Newest, 16 October 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My wife (aged 55)and very attractive, and I have been married for 24 years and over the last 3 years I (aged 57) have had trouble maintaining an erection during sex, I have tried all the usual medications but I get side effects from them, so I have basically stopped having full penetrative sex with my wife, when we have sex now it's me masturbating her, and I masturbate myself in the bathroom afterwards, but lately the only way she climaxes while I masturbate her is when she starts to talk about a young guy she has met at work, he's aged 31.

I realise I cant satisfy my wife with penetrative sex anymore so should I let her have a younger lover.?

We both love each other, and she has told me its not love only lust, for this younger man.

She told me she wants to be open and honest with me.

View related questions: at work, erection

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (16 October 2017):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

you must ask yourself, will i be able to handle letting my wife of so many years go, so she can be with a younger lover?

Also, do you really wish to throw your entire marriage away, simply because your wife has thoughts regarding this younger man?

Your marriage ought be at the forefront of everything and it ought be bigger that you and your wife.

You have both come such a long way together and to end it, why?

Because of some sexual fantasy that your wife has when you're in bed together.

She is being open with you, however, it's an admission that she lusts after this younger guy.

Do you wish to save your marriage or truly let it go?

Is your wife putting you off, by speaking of this younger guy that she lusts after?

If so, i don't blame you, however, i still feel that you and your wife can sit down together and have a real discussion about your respective feelings.

Also, i wonder, is it remotely possible that your wife doesn't turn you on as much as she used to?

I say this because, you state that after you masturbate her, you head into your bathroom to masturbate by yourself.

It appears that you are still highly aroused/arousable, however, there is obviously something getting in the way of you and your wife enjoying your sex life, completely, together.

Also, something else has come to mind, is it possible that your wife may even be having thoughts of having a threesome with you?

She may not feel overly comfortable telling you and expressing this fantasy to you.

Often, when a woman brings up another man or woman into their sex life, it can mean that the thought of somebody "extra" really turns them on.

Most times, yes, it's simply just a thought, but sometimes, it can be something that they'd like to turn into reality.

Personally, i don't think your wife has 100% respect for you, even though you say you both still love each other.

The fact that she can even speak lustfully, of this much younger guy whilst engaging in an intimate moment with you, her husband, seems very odd.

It's time you both has a serious chat regarding your sex life and the future of your marriage.

Remember, sex isn't everything and a good and solid marriage can still survive without constant sex.

What you both require is a healthy bond and friendship that will stand the test of time.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (16 October 2017):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

you must ask yourself, will i be able to handle letting my wife of so many years go, so she can be with a younger lover?

Also, do you really wish to throw your entire marriage away, simply because your wife has thoughts regarding this younger man?

Your marriage ought be at the forefront of everything and it ought be bigger that you and your wife.

You have both come such a long way together and to end it, why?

Because of some sexual fantasy that your wife has when you're in bed together.

She is being open with you, however, it's an admission that she lusts after this younger guy.

Do you wish to save your marriage or truly let it go?

Is your wife putting you off, by speaking of this younger guy that she lusts after?

If so, i don't blame you, however, i still feel that you and your wife can sit down together and have a real discussion about your respective feelings.

Also, i wonder, is it remotely possible that your wife doesn't turn you on as much as she used to?

I say this because, you state that after you masturbate her, you head into your bathroom to masturbate by yourself.

It appears that you are still highly aroused/arousable, however, there is obviously something getting in the way of you and your wife enjoying your sex life, completely, together.

Also, something else has come to mind, is it possible that your wife may even be having thoughts of having a threesome with you?

She may not feel overly comfortable telling you and expressing this fantasy to you.

Often, when a woman brings up another man or woman into their sex life, it can mean that the thought of somebody "extra" really turns them on.

Most times, yes, it's simply just a thought, but sometimes, it can be something that they'd like to turn into reality.

Personally, i don't think your wife has 100% respect for you, even though you say you both still love each other.

The fact that she can even speak lustfully, of this much younger guy whilst engaging in an intimate moment with you, her husband, seems very odd.

It's time you both has a serious chat regarding your sex life and the future of your marriage.

Remember, sex isn't everything and a good and solid marriage can still survive without constant sex.

What you both require is a healthy bond and friendship that will stand the test of time.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (13 October 2017):

If it's what she wants and you can live with it go ahead. I could never do it but I have too much respect for myself to believe this "it's just sex nonsense."

Good luck to you. You're probably going to need it.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntPersonally I would never agree to this. As a woman if my husband had the issues that you do I would still pleasure him and vice versa. Passion is not all about penetrative sex. Honestly I think you and your wife need to sit down and talk. Why does she not pleasure you? Why do you go to the bathroom? You seem to have both got in to a rut. If medication doesn't help then maybe you both going to see a marriage therapist will? No wonder you have problems when she has to talk about a younger man to climax. I am sure that is not doing your confidence any favors. It might be lust but if she truly loved you she would not even entertain the idea off cheating on you.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (13 October 2017):

chigirl agony auntHey, if you don't mind and you think it's a good idea, then sure why not. But I take it you do mind, and you don't want this, which is why you're coming on here for advice. So that's what I will base my advice on.

No. Don't let her take a younger lover. I'm all for sex just being sex and not love, and that it's a physical thing that doesn't have to bear any more meaning than a hug. But for this to be okay in a relationship, you have to follow the common rules of a threesome: everyone is on board and WANT this, or it's a no go. You're not really on board, so it's a no go. Now, if the thought had turned you on, made you excited, and you WANTED her to go have sex with someone else, then it'd be a whole different story.

But what to do when she's not to take a lover, and you can't keep it up? Well there are a ton of options. Firstly, I applaud that you keep having sex, but have made some alterations. A lot of men would just completely go off sex or ignore their partners needs, just because they themselves would feel emasculated. It is admirable that you and your wife continue to have a good sex life and an open line of communication. Excellent work!

So what are the other options? There are many ways to find pleasure, apart from just intercourse and sexual fantasies about a younger colleague. I suggest you explore some. I also suggest you and your wife go shopping for some toys. You can shop together online, if you prefer. A strap on would be a great option if you want intercourse. Or just a hand held dildo. Then there are other options to explore, of the more kinky kind. Have you ever tried light bondage? I'm just saying, a lot of people get off on being blind folded or hand cuffed, so it's not all about intercourse. A lot of people even enjoy a good spanking. Sex can be so many, many things. Explore a little. See if your tastes haven't changed over the years, and maybe you will find a new fantasy/sexual play that appeals to you both. There is role play also, with or without costumes. Or you can write sexual novels for each other. Depends on your tastes and what you feel like doing.

I'm just saying. Between you maintaining an erection, or her taking a lover, there are a million of other options.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2017):

There are two reasons for ED. Physical or psychological. Physical: ED can be the very early signs of cardeovascular problems or of enlarged prostate gland or simply being out of shape or not eating healthly or not sleeping well. Psychological: being bored of sex with same partner over very long period of time which happens in long marriages or other family issues or finacial or work related worries etc..

In either case ED should not be ignored or taken lightly because it is a serious illness that affects a mans whole personality causing loss of interest in life, loss of drive at work, loss of interest in personal appearance and cause contineous saddness and pessimism. So my advice is see you doctor and have a thurough checkup and seek a second opinion from other doctors and specialists if unsatisfied till you find the cure.

I think your wife really loves you otherwise she would have simply cheated w/o letting you know. You have been given wonderful advice by the others. Work on your health and on your bedroom techniques. Best wishes.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (12 October 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

The penis is NOT the only means in which to satisfy a woman. You have two hands, a tongue, lips, and teeth. I am sure you also have a credit card, which leads to a good sex...that YOU can use on her.

Let her fantasise all she wants...but as my grandfather would say "there should only be one cock (Roster) in the hen house."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 October 2017):

No, you don't give your permission for other men to fill-in for you in a marriage. Sex is intimate and how you express your love to your partner. The desire/passion you have and show for her, is also proof of your emotional-connection.

If you are coming-up with off-the-wall suggestions; then she may get the assumption you're just not attracted to her, and looking for an excuse not to be intimate with her anymore.

I'm inclined to believe that is the case. Why do you masturbate in the bathroom? I'd say you don't really want to have sex with your wife. None of the medications work, you say? Okay, if you say so.

No they won't work; if you really don't want to have sex with someone. You can't maintain arousal or an erection; if you're not attracted to someone. Even with pills!

If you can go in another room and masturbate on your own; you can stay present, and get-off with your wife. Watching you get-off is supposed to be part of the intimacy!

That is, if you are really sexually-attracted to her.

I know it's the 21st-century, but marriage is still a moral institution. You still have abide by traditional-rules.

The reason for marriage is to be monogamous and to forsake all others. Not play in and out, when the mood hits you!

You also vow to remain faithful for better and for worse; for sickness, and in good health. Well, people might as well not take vows, just sign the papers; and just call it a contract. It only became a "sacred institution" as an argument against gay-marriage. Go figure!

Sir, sex can be performed in a variety of ways; and still satisfy your partner. Inviting other people into your bedroom isn't necessary. There are toys, fingers, tongues, hands, feet, lips, and a multitude of ways to get-off without penetrative-sex. Even strap-on dildos make great substitutes for a limp-willy!

Supposedly, marriage is built on love, fidelity, trust, and affection. If your wife agrees to have sex with another man; she may as well divorce you, and have a man she can have sex with.

Bear in-mind, women attach more emotion to sex than men do. So they are more likely to fall for the man, not just the sex. They prefer the total-package. The penis, and the man it is attached to! Yes it's lust to start with; but then other human-needs get in the way! Feelings are unpredictable and spontaneous. If a man can offer your wife sex; he can compensate for everything else you can't provide. You can't leave-out human-nature. That comes with sex! Love happens unexpectedly!

She is just asking you to enhance her arousal by verbalizing a fantasy; but if you go beyond the call, you are virtually giving your wife away.

When you love someone, you'll work things out. It's best to stay within guidelines that won't add more complications to the problem you're trying to solve. All the modern-day overkill and extremes are completely unnecessary; and amount to nothing but mockery and promiscuity. It's all a facade for cheating and circumventing marital-fidelity. It's a total scam!

Open-marriages and polygamous/poly-amorous situations always end badly. Someone always gets jealous, neglected, left-out, or abandoned. In spite of all the arguments for it, and the totally biased anecdotes in defense of it; it's all a bunch of hogwash!

Get that nonsense out of your head. It's just your excuse for a front-row seat at a live-porn show. You get to watch!

Seriously?!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2017):

Honey, the answer is NO.

If she really loved you, she would accept you as you are. Does she remember her wedding vows?

My dad is now 80 and due to prostate cancer treatments, he is no longer able to get it up. He and my mom have not had sex in 10 years. My mom is 15 years younger than my dad and still young with a healthy sex drive.

She said she married my dad for better or worse. And she loves him. And would never cheat on him (because cheating is what it would be) by having a lover.

You don't need to have penetrative sex to be intimate and emotionally connected. There are so many ways to enjoy sex and intimacy. Now is your chance to be creative.

I agree with the poster who thinks she is using your lack of firmness down below as an excuse to start an affair with this younger dude at work.

I suspect she is already having an emotional affair with him and that it is a lot more than lust. And she is now looking to close the deal. With your naive permission.

The fact she gets off by using him as a fantasy is not a good sign. There is some reality involved. She has more feelings than she will let on. I'm very sure of this.

Also her not wanting to please you and you having to do it yourself tells me she has checked out of your marriage. She isn't even interested in pleasing her own husband. That's really bad. And that is very selfish and thoughtless. She is only thinking about herself, her own happiness and her own gratification.

Typical of a person who is married wanting the best of both worlds. Only difference is she wants your permission. But does that make it right?

It's your marriage but there doesn't seem to be much of a marriage left. And going the way it's going, if you say yes to the young dude, you are going to have no marriage left. If she plays with him, she will stay with him. The physical will only solidify the connection they ALREADY have.

I would work on ways to fix your sex life together. Involving other people is a recipe for disaster.

If she is pushing this dude further or not wanting to solve your problems with you, then I think it might be time to part ways.

Personally, I think your wife is treating you like a doormat. And you sound like such a good guy. You deserve better. Remember an ugly heart makes you ugly all over.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Garbo agony auntI agree with the ladies below. There are million ways a guy can make a woman orgasm, and penetrative sex is but only one way. I think she is playing you to get an approval to openly cheat on you and is using your limp excuse to convince you of that. If this is me, and answer to your question is absolutely no.

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A female reader, MissKin United Kingdom + , writes (11 October 2017):

MissKin agony auntI'm confused - you go to the bathroom to masturbate? Why isn't she pleasuring you? And surely if you can find pleasure in this way then it's just penetrative sex you're struggling with? There must be a solution to that (counselling, changing positive, spicing things up a bit?) that doesn't involve someone else.

Penetrative sex is great but it isn't the be all and end all. Surely mutual satisfaction is what matters. You could always use sex toys if that helps?

It doesn't seem fair to me that you're all giving and not getting anything. She isn't the only one no longer having sex - you're not either. Stop beating yourself up. It's okay for someone to fantasize but that's where it should end IMO.

Maybe try some couples counselling and go from there? Good luck!

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

mystiquek agony auntI wouldn't even consider doing this. You are opening a door that leads down a dark path that once entered, you can't close the door. Very seldom does entering a third party make a marriage better, happier, or stronger. TALK to your wife, seek out counselling, a sex therapist if you want your marriage to last. As the wise aunt Youwish says, respect yourself sir! You are worth far more than you think you are and offering your wife a young stud is NOT the answer.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

YouWish agony auntLet me get this straight so I can understand:

She has to talk about this 31-year old guy WHILE you're masturbating her in order to climax?? Sorry, but that's messed up, both that she is TALKING about this during her act with you AND that you've been allowing that to happen.

Let me cut to the chase! You have to stop apologizing and considering yourself inadequate, man! I know that it's devastating that you are experiencing erection issues, but that is absolutely no reason you must feel like you're not enough.

My uncle was paraplegic, and was unable to have sex with my aunt until the day he died, and she described him as the best man she was ever with. He changed her life profoundly, and all of their sex was through "outercourse", as you've described it.

Not only that, but how many lesbians who read Dearcupid could raise their hands and say that the penis not being there has hindered their sexual enjoyment or fulfillment in any capacity?? On the contrary, many found the penis too limiting in its ability to experience pleasure!

You can have an orgasm. She can have one too. You don't have to shamefully slink into the bathroom! You may suffer some challenge, but especially in this technological day and age, yours and her options are vast in terms of mutual pleasure, starting with vibrating strap-on's, electrostim, and a host of other aids for you. Your sexual aid does NOT have to be another man, and she is CHEATING emotionally on you!!

You should NOT allow it if you value your marriage, because you're not addressing your own feelings, and you can still perform easily! How many women on here who have husbands with penises do NOT orgasm through intercourse because their husbands don't go down on them or they suck at using their fingers??? TOO MANY!

It sounds like you have already seen a doctor about your erectile issues, but you both should see a marriage counselor because what she's done is not right, and what you've let happen is not right, and it's tearing you up, both your self-esteem and her emasculation of you. It has to stop because YOU MATTER!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIf you thought this was a good idea, you would not have come on here asking the question. Your gut is telling you this will not turn out well.

Have you had a full check-up to rule out any physical issues? If not, go back to your doctor and ask for one. Have you had the medication from your doctor or have you been trying stuff you have bought on line? I ask the question as there are a lot of con artists out there, selling "medication" which is not what is purports to be.

Has your wife actually said she wants to have sex with his man, or is she just fantasizing? There is a HUGE difference between using a fantasy for titillation and actually wanting to make it reality.

Women usually find it difficult to keep sex and emotions separate. It is likely, if she does have sex with this man, that she will start having feelings for him and you could end up losing her altogether.

Do you actually WANT to share her, especially at the risk of losing her? If not, then tell her in no uncertain terms. Perhaps she needs to hear you tell her that you are not happy with such a suggestion.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2017):

Sounds like this is going to lead to problems down the road. I wouldn't do it.

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