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What if she's not willing to compromise?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 October 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 October 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've been dating a girl for 2 months now and we are official, she's 34, and I'm 36. She has 2 young children that I've not met yet- I will be soon. Things seem really good but I have abit of a concern, please could you guys give your advice and your opinion..

She's said that she's strong headed and I'm concerned that she won't compromise, for example, last night we were talking about dogs, she was saying that she likes feisty dogs and said 'we'll never have a labrador or a cockapoo. I'm not a dog person but don't like the type that she describes.

Dog issue aside, that is just an example, I'm just generally abit concerned that there doesn't seem to be a feel of compromise.. What do you guys think/ how am I best addressing it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2017):

In life there are leaders and followers nothing wrong with that at all , but you said she liked this dog you didn't how did you get she wouldn't compromise from that ... she could be a head strong person there is nothing wrong with that but if you want a sweet quiet lady probably move on as you said she's head strong so she will have opinions. .. and in every relationship there will be a leader someone to make the end choice .

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A male reader, VitaminZ United States +, writes (12 October 2017):

Run away. Two months in and you already know she's stubborn and going to be a pain to deal with. She's not going to get any better and she has kids in tow. My 2 cents, prepare to eject and move on to the next girl.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (12 October 2017):

janniepeg agony auntPeople can be strong headed in a good way. You are still getting to know her. From a general conversation about dogs, there is no suggestion that you are even going to get dogs. She's just saying that if she were to get one, it would be like a pitbull or a Rottweiler. My type would be anything short haired, so no way I am going to get a Lhasa Apso. I would never get a dog until I am retired though.

No need to overthink this. Just enjoy your time together. If the future is considered too soon, then you are bound to have anxiety and would start to look for things that aren't quite right, even when they are not there.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

I think you're getting ahead of yourself. It's still within the first few months of your commitment; which is still the introductory-phase. You are both still evaluating each other, revealing hidden-details about yourselves; and learning each-others moods and personality flaws. You can't always agree, will not always like each other; and you will fight. You will love each-other while in disagreement.

You really won't know what she means exactly until you cross that bridge. Just consider yourself informed. You will not always come to compromise. You can't have all the same likes or dislikes. You are two different people so you may have a different perspective on things. What you lookout for is incompatibility; where your values clash, you never agree on anything, and you notice that her personality doesn't seem to ever align with yours.

If everytime you say up, and she consistently says down? When you run into people like that. Leave immediately, run screaming! They are control-freaks and contrary by nature. You need evidence first, to draw any conclusions about that. Not to be confused with not always getting your way! Looking for a brown-nose, or yes-person. That's boring and phony.

You're obviously mature and experienced with relationships. Your apprehension is based on past relationships with unyielding and obstinate types; who are generally disagreeable, or unreasonably demanding.

Start on a clean slate; and judge her as an individual, based on her own merit. Bury your past with other women. Eject that old-baggage. You're starting from scratch here. Tap into only those things that you've learned within the realm of discernment, or reading character.

She has kids to look-out for. You're a new addition into her life. So you might find yourself coming-in second-place to her babies. Her decisions will be made to their benefit. You will equalize your position over time. The children should come first; but if you don't get it, you might not be the right match for a single-mom. Bear this in-mind!

What people seem to overlook when we first become a committed-couple, is we're brought together based on sexual-attraction. We're waiting for the real chemistry to take hold. The initial-connection is mostly physical. The true emotional-attachment is really much slower. You need more to go on to decide why you need someone in your life.

You will base your true-feelings on those positive things in her personality that can be affirmed by her behavior. You're still going down the checklist at this point. That is the foundation your trust will be built on. So, give her benefit of the doubt; and give her the chance to prove herself as time passes. Evaluate people as complex-creatures. You can't be too black and white; accept in the case of abuse, or those with proclivities for cheating; or having volatile tempers. Immediately kick those people to the curb!

You shouldn't make any immediate assumptions until you've faced a few challenges and have dealt with a few relationship-issues. Relationships need a workout to determine what they're really made-of, and how durable they are. Two months? Ha! You ain't seen nothing yet!

At this point, everything is pretty superficial; and you really don't know each other. It's the honey-moon phase.

For those who have been acquainted for a long time before becoming a romantically-connected exclusive-couple; they have already crossed that bridge. They know what to expect; because they've established trust. The heat of good chemistry is usually the reason a friendship or casual-relationship may evolve into a romance. Progress and success depends on consistency. To include depth. honesty, and devotion.

She has kids and she's a single-mother. Being the sole breadwinner and protector of her offspring; she has developed the essential tools for survival. She is establishing the fact that she is a strong, independent, and assertive-person. She apparently has a backbone. Don't let that scare you. It's also a little flexing. You've got to prove your sincerity, trustworthiness, and paternal instincts. So the balance leans in her favor for now.

If she hasn't scared you off before now; you apparently have enough chemistry going for you to go forward. I would say it is a little early to feel strong enough to want to be exclusive and official; but some people know sooner than later. I was 6-8 months in, before I committed officially; but I knew within only a few weeks. Here we are 4-years strong, and still going!

Take it slow. Don't stiffen with trepidation or cynicism; and don't expect you'll hit a roadblock at every turn, because she likes "feisty dogs." How do you define feisty? It was merely a metaphor and suggesting a matter of preference in dog behavior. Sometimes people have a different perception about things. Feisty may have some negative-connotations for you; and set off some alarms. If you don't like or fear dogs; just the fact that topic came up you're on alert! If the kids want a dog, you may be outvoted on that. Be open-minded! Be honest and let her know you don't like dogs. After the fact is too late!

As long as you're able to compromise; it is likely she will follow suit. One good turn deserves another. It takes trust.

If you think you're walking into a relationship with the intent to pile all your likes and dislikes on top of her; and leaving her little choice but to accept the majority of your opinions. She has given you fair-warning.

Some people consider compromise as submission! That's not the same thing. In true-compromise, everybody wins and everyone is happy. Sometimes for a relationship to work, you do have to give-in and submit. The battle comes from a struggle for power and trying to be "right." Not considering what's best. Ego tends to blur the lines and cause conflict.

My boyfriend wanted to buy me a new car for my birthday the first year of our relationship. I refused that generous offer for the first two years. Eventually, he did it anyway; so I had no choice. It wasn't pride, i have my own money. I needed to know what was actually in his heart for me; so the gift could be accepted affectionately. I'm not for sale; nor an opportunist. Just because he can afford it. I had a nice car. I can afford to buy a new one. It's such an expensive gift! Conscience forbade me to accept it.

I gratefully gave-in, and I'm appreciative. I still have my old car. He insists I be more stylish and less conservative about how I dress; and on that, I've compromised to make him happy. He shaved off his stupid bushy-beard. I think it looked ridiculous with a shaved-head, and 5-6 inches of beard beneath your chin! Hey, we both sport the scruffy-look; but I think that's best for weekends. I prefer to be clean-shaven. It just looks upside-down! Bald and a long beard??? He can grow a full head of hair!

We have our own places. He spends most of his time at my place, but I spend weekends at his place. I'm hesitant about giving-up my place. We'll work that out. Trust has been well-established; and we are not challenging who has the most say, or who the Alpha-male is. I had a 28-year domestic partnership that taught me a lot. It ended when that partner died of cancer. It couldn't have lasted so long, without giving-in and compromising. If you're flexible and loving; you're open to changing your mind. Even if you don't win. It adds durability and elasticity to the relationship. It doesn't mean you're a sucker, or she's the boss of you.

You have to choose your battles and base opinions and decisions on what is fact; not who wants to be right.

You will determine exactly what she means as time goes on. Don't draw any conclusions based on a dog-preference. There was no particular hidden-meaning. We men use our logic; so establish your judgement on proof and evidence. Don't jump to conclusions! You just don't have enough trust established at this point. You haven't hit a real snag to see who she really is. That's when you'll know.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntThis is why dating is a good thing. You get a sense of the other person and to SEE if they ARE a good fit.

If she is the kind of person who can't compromise then you have to consider if that is something you want in a partner or not.

For someone who has 2 young children wanting a "feisty" dog seems ridiculous. A MOTHER of 2 smaller kids would want a SAFE dog around her kids. (just saying). So yes, if I were you that would concern me.

The thing is you have only known each other for 2 months so how well you REALLY know her is pretty limited. Maybe she is trying to make herself seem like she isn't someone who bends over backward for everyone. The way she does that is by telling you "this is my stance".

I think the ONLY way you can kind of suss out if she was trying to sound a little "tough" or if she really feels that NEVER compromising is the real she is asking her why she would want a "feisty" dog when she has small children. Start with that.

And then I would sit down and mentally make a list of things, values, morals that are IMPORTANT to you and use them as points for subjects to see how SHE feels about those. See if you two (aside for dog type) are on the same page. ARE you compatible?

Now I know some people say opposite attracts.. and it does but it doesn't always work. Especially if there is no room for compromises on BOTH ends.

There needs to be at least some core basic values that hold the relationship together.

Basically... you can look at the 10 commandments. If neither of you isn't religious, skip the first 4.

How does she treat her parents? Family? How is her relationship with them?

How does she view violence? In society, in general.

Does she believe in marriage? In being faithful?

What does she think about crime? (don't steal)

About Lying?

And jealousy?

Religious or not, it's actually a good place to start. Because those are some of the BASIC core values/morals in society. That most of us are raised with having and/or knowing.

Then, of course, you have things such as hobbies, hopes, dreams, goals.

How does she feel about working, education?

Can she accept that YOU have an opinion of your own? Or is she ego-centric? (in the sense that SHE is always right and everyone not feeling, thinking and doing as she are wrong). If she is ego-centric you have an uphill battle ahead of you.

Are you compatible intellectually? Can you have a conversation about things in the World? Like, history, politics, whatnot. Can she put herself in your shoes? Can you put you in hers?

DO you ENJOY spending time with her?

Is the "I'm oh so headstrong" the first crack you have noticed that you don't like about her?

Do you feel SHE bring the best out in you? And you in her?

While all this might be EARLY in the relationship to think about, I think it's important.

Someone who tells you, "It's MY way or the highway" might not be an ideal partner for you. (or anyone) Especially when you didn't even question her position on it. Like, the issue with a feisty dog and small kids. The fact that you aren't a dog person and perhaps have no experience in training a dog. Etc. I know this goes WAY beyond the "dog issue" but it's very telling.

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