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If he misses his ex does that mean his affection for me was fake?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Faded love, Friends, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 February 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 22 February 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Seeing him for 3 months. He told me he loved me 3 separate times when drunk, to which I didn't respond. He came over to my place all the time, he said he wanted to meet my parents.

Then the last time he told me he loved me, the next day he just stopped making effort to come over or talk to me. A week later I asked if anything was wrong and he said there wasn't. I thought maybe he was upset I didn't say it back. He also was purposely flirting with my friend to make me jealous, which he admitted. I saw him and his friends out one evening and he was acting the same all lovey with me.

Last night we were out and his drunk friend said "give me a kiss" and I gave him a kiss on his cheek. The guy I'm seeing turned around and poured his whole beer on my head and walked off.

He apologised a lot this morning and went on to tell me he thought I would've kissed him if he wasn't there. I told him that wasn't true at all. He then said that he's been really depressed because he misses his ex a lot everyday. It seemed genuine and said he felt bad.

I now have to move on.. but I can't help to wonder if everything was fake? If he was using me to project his feelings from his ex, or using me for comfort? - He must care a bit if he throws beer on my head..or maybe he's just insecure about things with his ex and took it out on me.

Also, he is part of my friendship group, and am bound to see him a lot. I feel embarrassed at being the rebound girl. How should i handle things when i see him?

And how do i get over this - i feel like i've been used and its really painful to know that everything he did wasn't real.

View related questions: depressed, drunk, flirt, his ex, insecure, jealous, move on

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (22 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThe first red flag was he tells you he loves you only when he is drunk. Don't go by his words go by his actions. It was childish off you to kiss his friend on the cheek when you knew it would get a reaction out off him, why would you want to upset someone you are dating? And honestly him throwing a drink over your head would steer me closer to him not caring about you at all. My guess is he done it because he felt you where making him look like a fool.

It is clear to see that you both are not getting anything from this relationship. He wants to be with his ex not you, he used you to get over her but he failed miserably.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2017):

He sounds extremely immature for pourig beer on yoi. To be fair, you sound very immature to- there was no need to kiss hos froend. I also think that you dont have to say I love you back, but you could at least respond explaining you're not ready to say that yet, not just go silent.I think you both have some growing up to do, seperately.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom + , writes (16 February 2017):

Phil052 agony auntThis fella sounds like very bad news to me. The drink episode was incredibly immature. He sounds like the sort of guy who wants to do whatever he likes, but not allow a woman to have any freedom. Be careful!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 February 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Are you really saying that the the reason why he poured his beer on you , in public and unprovoked, and walked off.. is because he cares about you ??

Well... then all I can say is : thanks God that he did not care even more ! Because then, if he had really cared a Whole lot ...possibly he could have chosen to pee all over you to show you how much he cared.

What's wrong with you , OP ?! There are no excuses for what he did , neither the kiss on the cheek to another friend, nor the nostalgy for his ex . It was an extremely agressive, disrespectful, malicious act . Probably triggered by by being drunk, ok- but this is an explanation, not a justification. If you ( generic you ) have got to get drunk, so be it, but at least do not be an obnoxious , mean drunk. And if you know you can't control your drunken moods- drink alone at home and don't go around making disgusting scenes.

Anyway , just for the sake of intellectual speculation : yes, from what you write it's probable that you were a rebound, and I would not put much stock in the " I love you "s because I find meaningful that he always said it when drunk but never when sober.

But, at the end of the day, seriously, what does it matter ? Why should you care ? This guy sounds like both an egomaniac and a true jerk, and rather than doing the post-mortem of your short dating period, ... you should just thank your lucky stars that it's over and that you have only wasted 3 months on him, and you have very very likely been spared further and worse mistreatments !

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (16 February 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWait... What!! He poured beer over your HEAD and you're justifying that he did it because he likes you and wondering about his feelings for you?

My God!! What is wrong with women today to feel so lowly about themselves that they equate abuse with love? If he slaps you, punches you, or kicks you then you must really think he's head over heels in love with you!!

Listen to me please and listen carefully. This man is Very Bad News. He's had the effing gall to throw a drink on your head... You really don't know what he could do next. You should be thinking how DARE he, rather than justifying his actions! What bullshit is he dishing out that he misses his ex and he's feeling bad etc etc!! He's not missing anyone, he's just shit scared that you'll take action against him for his act (which you darn well should!) and he also knows you're emotionally weak and easily manipulated. He knows extremely well that you have a soft corner for him, are really foolish and that he can cry crocodile tears and get away with everything and that's exactly what he's doing.

Forget what he's said to you and get over the romanticized notions of him and love and you've built in your head. This man is dangerous and you need to stay away from him. He's an ass. He thinks he can get away with everything and is laughing at you behind your back for the way that he's playing you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYou might have been his rebound. Dating you was his way of trying to get over her, except he didn't get over her.

He sounds like a twat-waffle. I mean pouring a beer over your head for kissing another guy's cheek? But it was OK for him to flirt with your friend? Yeah, NOT a guy to call a Keeper.

What do you do? You suck it up and honestly? You thank your lucky stars that it was ONLY 3 months because ANY more time would have been a complete waste.

So you made a mistake in dating someone who wasn't over his ex. IT HAPPENS. We all make mistakes in life. I'd just be polite when seeing him but I wouldn't go out of my way to be friendly, after all, he used you abominably.

And in the future, try not to date guys in your friendship group. (just like dating a guy at work can end up VERY awkward if it doesn't work out same goes for people in your friendship group).

But STOP beating yourself up. Just remember WE all make mistakes. This was one of YOUR mistakes. Stuff happens, right?

And you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You had a lapse in judgment, LEARN from it and let it go.

Chin up.

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