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The woman in my boyfriend's porn collection look nothing like me

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 February 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 17 February 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My bf has a lot of porn on his computer of women who all look nothing like me . I am chubby and older and they are invariably young and thin. Now I've read in a lot of places that men will often look at women opposite to what they have at home but this is not the case with my bf as he has porn he has had for years before he met me and even that was all the same . I have no issue with the porn but not one woman even close to me.

This makes me feel that I'm not his type and that he likes me Despite my body

Although I want someone who likes me for more than just physical attributes it would be devastating to me to think a man was with me DESPITE my body and overlooking parts of me that he thought were not what he liked simply because he liked my personality for example

I am very happy with my body and who I am and I want a man who sees me as the whole package . Not one who sees he is compromising and missing out on the body of his dreams just because I meet other criteria

I tried talking to him about this , he looked slightly embarrassed like I have hit a raw nerve . Is it worth staying

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2017):

Hi there,

There have actually been a few similar questions to yours (different askers) in the last few months, so you can check out those answers too.

Judging from how many similar questions there are, I don't think you are alone in this problem.

I know you are not alone- the same thing happened to me (but the reverse, I am thin and his watching habits were usually plumper women). The self-doubt that caused hurt like hell, so I know exactly where you are coming from.

I really don't think that he is with you despite your body. That of course is the fear anyone who has had this experience has. I am a female so I can't say what is going on in his head for sure. Worst case scenario, yes he has a type and you are not it.

But I prefer to not only consider the worst case scenario, perhaps for my own sanity being in a similar situation.

OK- so he may have had a bit of "type" before you came into his life. But it doesn't mean it was necessarily the only type he was attracted to. Furthermore, no one's tastes are set in stone; often our tastes change and evolve, especially when we fall in love with a different type and we start seeing different features as highly attractive as well. I started seeing some things as sexy that I never would have found attractive before I met the person I was wildly attracted to.

I think you have to look at the big picture in order to evaluate his feelings. Does he show you he is attracted to you? Does he seem physically attracted (puts his hands on you, enjoys making out, wants sex often, etc). Is he usually turned on by you in bed (barring any occasional 'tiredness' that all men experience now and then)? Does he tell you that you turn him on?

I am willing to bet that he loves your body, even if he loves the thin young things too. Humans usually aren't designed to be attracted to just one type of look. I think many men can actually appreciate lots of different body types. If he really had a "type" hangup I don't think he would have chosen you to begin with.

That's just my guess though, from my experiences and discussions when I was in the same situation.

Also you say he looked embarrassed and didn't say much- well I think he probably had no idea what to say because he had been caught with the porn. I think that was probably a fear thing more than a "oh you've found out the truth of my preferences" thing. He was probably scared you wouldn't believe him no matter what he said.

I think Wiseowle offers some great advice saying that porn in general probably isn't healthy to use in a relationship. It brings up situations just like this that cause unnecessary hurt and self-doubt to the partner. I asked my bf to stop using it and he actually did as far as I can tell. I know he may slip up sometime, but he is making an effort. Also good advice from WiseOwle that the guy should try to do his best to stop, but he IS a male so may slip up from time to time in one way or another (lets say ogling another woman, etc).

Sooo my final advice is to talk to him. Just be gentle about it, because you'll get the most insight to his thoughts if you stay calm. It won't be an easy discussion to have and he probably will be very nervous/ reticent to discuss anything about this subject. You wouldn't even have to raise the porn in the first convo. You could just say "do you think you are you naturally attracted to plump women like me? Or do your preferences lie elsewhere?"

If you want to go that far...

Or you can skip getting into a discussion like that at all, because he may just panic anyway and say dumb things....you could just have confidence in yourself, rock his world in bed...and tell him to quit the porn.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 February 2017):

Unless men have particular fetishes, I don't think they are really bothered what the women in their porn look like. It's just porn, not a dating site.

He is with you because he likes you as you are. The porn is something completely separate from his relationship with you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 February 2017):

Imaginary and fantasy-creatures never look real. Movie stars and super-models don't look like ordinary-people. They look perfect through surgical-enhancement, makeup artistry, camera-angles, lighting, and photo-shopping. Slutty porn stars don't dress or wear their make-up like women normally do. All women don't have breast-implants, or spend a lot of time in the gym.

The issue here is you don't like your man watching porn. You have the option of leaving him if that bothers you enough.

Guys don't usually want their girlfriends to look like sleazy prostitutes with their boobs hanging out, and wearing clothing that defines every crevice of their bodies. They don't respect women like that, but they use them to masturbate. That is less than loving and far below respecting them. Their image is objectified in sexual-ways for their cheapness, their fake-personalities, and lack of self-respect. Their sexual-appeal is for the persona they project, not the real person. If you dressed, behaved, and wore your make-up like that. He would most probably leave you.

Porn actresses don't act like normal women when they perform in a porn film. They allow men to talk to them in filthy ways, they do things you may never want to do; but they get paid for it. They probably wouldn't do it either, if they didn't get paid to do it. So how on earth do you compare yourself to something like that? Why wouldn't he go out and find someone like that, if that's what he really wants?

Are you implying he isn't good-looking enough to, even if he wanted to? He's lucky that you settled for him, although you could have done better? You should tell him that. Isn't that how you really feel? Shouldn't you let him go and find someone better?

Men are visual-creatures. What they love and want for girlfriends or wives does not match the cheap fantasy-figures they hide-away until they want to jerk-off. If they met someone like that in real-life, they'd use her and leave her where they found her. That's not the kind of woman you fall in-love with; and want to keep as your mate or have your kids. The attraction to porn actresses is detached and exploitative. As inane as a play-toy or a tool. Something to use and put-away.

Now, aside from how he looks at porn. How does he treat you? Why is he wasting away all his time being with someone like you; when he may as well go find himself a cheap tart with bubble-boobs? Why should he settle for someone real over someone who isn't real; and appears in films that objectifies and belittles women? Why are you wasting your time being with a man like him?

If you want him to stop watching porn, say so. Tell him how it makes you feel. If that doesn't work. Leave him! If you are unhappy, why do you stay with someone who watches porn and makes you feel unloved? You've decided you're not his type. So what can he say or do apart from not watching porn?

Explaining this to women is exhausting and an act in futility. Nothing will take-away porn-envy. Women do not think like men; therefore they will not fully understand why men do certain things. Just as men don't understand why women compare themselves to imaginary-creatures while men don't?

All men don't watch porn, but they will find other people attractive and sexually-appealing that look nothing like the person they love. Fault nature and reality for that. Love creates that barrier that holds a couple together and keeps others out.

You've made up your mind. Now get rid of him, and go find the man who sees you as the whole package. As you don't see the man you have as a man capable of loving you for who you are. He disgusts you because he likes porn. You don't have to allow that. You shouldn't allow that.

I don't believe you ever will find anyone you think can love you for yourself; if you don't trust men to have true and honest feelings. You cannot categorize all males who have watched porn into some heap of nasty fakes who pretend they care and incapable of loving women for who they are. Your insecurities will prevail if you allow them too. They will make you cynical and view men in very negative ways. You have to deal with that long before committing to another man.

The truth is, nobody is perfect. You will never find a heterosexual male who suddenly becomes immune to his sexual-attraction to other women because of you. You would be lying if you deny that you have never looked at another man and found him more attractive than your boyfriend. Even though he was handsome, it didn't kill your attraction to your boyfriend. Guess what, men are capable of the same!!!

You will find men capable of being faithful, loving, and trustworthy. We can be attracted to a variety of body-types, and have favorites. Nature wired our minds that way.

Even when in-love and committed; straight-men will still be attracted to other pretty females. You will never be 100% of what he could or might find. No more than you will find a man who is 100% of everything you could ever want in a man. Because perfection does not exist, and you should choose carefully when you find a mate.

You will never mold a man's mind and sense of vision into what you think he should feel, think, and see.

The point of love is that you see more than what's on the surface. It's what you see beneath it that creates attraction far beyond only sexual or physical-attraction. Men have other needs you know! He sees something in you he doesn't find or see in other females. Aside from his taste for porn, which is destroying what he has.

The reality is, nobody will match each and every item on your list of criteria for the perfect match; and you won't match theirs either. You will get as close to what you need as you can get, then you have to be secure enough to be appreciative of the love you receive.

Maybe the real problem isn't that you don't think you're his type. I don't think he's yours!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2017):

The fact you are here is screaming loud and clear that your boyfriend demeans you, does not make you feel valued, does not make you feel good about yourself or good enough for him. Deep down, you have self esteem issues anyway, which your boyfriend is not making any better at all. Relationships are supposed to raise us up. Bring out the best in us and make us want to give our best to another person. It seems this relationship is wrought with uncertainty and insecurity. Not good things for the long term.

It is obvious by your boyfriend's actions and by the way he blatantly disrespects you by keeping a collection of porn on his computer that he is not too concerned about your feelings. the fact you have already mentioned it to him and he gets pissed off is his way of saying f**k you, I will do whatever I want. His anger is a way to stop you from bringing up the subject to him again. He just shut you down. How much more clear can it be that porn is his priority? He may even be addicted to it. That would be one battle you could never win. So, being smart, you should consider walking away. Don't waste your time on somebody who isn't worth it. People don't change. You can stay fighting for the rest of your life but you will only be breaking yourself in the process.

What are you doing with a guy like that?

Think you can't do better? Well, you are wrong. Yes, you can. You can do better. And there are so many men out there who are better than him.

He makes you feel bad about yourself. He needs porn to fantasize about. How crappy does that make you feel?

You cannot imagine how free you will feel and how much your confidence will soar once you get rid of this porn addicted dead beat!

Hope you make the right choice.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2017):

There was a similar post a few weeks ago and that OP took great umbrage towards my response so I am revising my advice.

There is only one solution that is ever going to dispel your insecurities: Break up with him so you can find a guy who has porn on his computer of women who look exactly like you. That way you'll have no doubt that he loves you for your body as well as your mind.

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