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My soul mate is married to someone else!

Tagged as: Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 October 2005) 130 Answers - (Newest, 5 September 2009)
A male , *oteidaia writes:

Help!

I've been searching for a while and I've finally found my 'soul mate'. She's perfect! Only problem is...she's married. I know I can't tell her, (I shouldn't have told anyone really but there you go), but it's affecting my life pretty badly. I'm not eating much nor sleeping much and as for concentration, well that's just non existent. And little thing that never bothered me before send me spiralling over the edge and I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to control my outward demeaner/expressions. Any advice on coping with this moral dilemma would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks in advance. Yours, Poteidaia.

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A male reader, onechance United States +, writes (5 September 2009):

onechance agony auntI want to give a new update to my situation here. Things with my supposed soul mate turned out to be more simply a situation of a young girl confused and lonely wanting to leech off a nice guy for his emotional intimacy while providing him with nothing romantic in return. So in effect they want that closeness only found in a real relationship but without the intimacy, ha! I've encountered this once before, and yet.... part of me will always wonder why I felt a connection to this girl, after-all she may be a soul mate but right now she just wants to be friends (which I politely declined about 20x before having to tell her leave me alone). I feel pity for this person more than romance anymore because she basically admitted she didn't want to stop trying to be my friend because she's picky about her pals, I told her everything I could except now I feel so far away from the feelings I once had that it's almost a faded thing. The lesson here is if the soul mate you think you have is married just leave them alone. Of course she seperated from him but that's not my problem, infact I'm learning now that other peoples problems are their business and mine are mine. I won't lie, I felt a very soul mate/husbanish connection to her for a long time, but she blew it away with her constant friend-only routine and desire for the kind of relationship you have with a romantic interest but with none of the intimacy that goes with it. Sorry ladies but you can't have both, it's either you accept romantic interest and the benefits it provides emotionally or you don't, we guys don't just give that with no romance involved ha! I'm leaving her alone, and honestly I have no interest in her anymore which is sad.

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A male reader, onechance United States +, writes (16 June 2009):

onechance agony auntFor those interested, well... I'm going to back off abit from this situation, it's really weird! I advise all you to either go all out and just get with your soul mates / leave your current partner or forget about them, best advice you'll get on here :L

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A male reader, onechance United States +, writes (6 June 2009):

onechance agony auntI've returned! Sadly there seem to be no other people posting on here anymore :(

So what's new you ask? The girl whom is my soul mate has been interesting to be around. She confided in me things about her marriage, her desires, herself. I did try being a friend and ignoring all this, but she still even through it felt the connection. It's funny because she commented "I just feel like I can talk to you." Similar sentiments she mentioned earlier were "it feels more real when I'm with you" and such. She even began trying to find out what I think of relationships and today asked "do you think I'd make a good girlfriend?" I answered generally so she would feel safe, but she later again said "well ok, but what do you personally think?"

It's a strange thing to have someone ask you all this, and confide in you. What's even more strange is I know for a fact she doesn't believe in soul mates or being married, she's confused by such things. And yet even in her confusion this amazing girl just KNOWS something between us is unique. I must say I admire her and respect her more than ever now.

On another topic, my health has been heading downhill fast and the place I'm working at basically is going to fire me soon lol When that happens I won't be spending anymore time around her, I'll be looking for a job before my car payments drown me etc. I'm actually sad because if I'd told her "I think you'd be a wonderful girlfriend and any man would be lucky to have you." she'd probably have been more confused than ever, haha yet I think she wanted to hear that.

So in all things seem to be falling apart for me all around, I feel ill all day long (aches, pain, IC, depression) and work wants me gone soon, and the girl I am soul mates with is married and wants to be single forever, haha. Now I don't actually think it would be a turn off hearing about her with other men, or her bringing them home, etc. I'm as liberal as she is I guess. I do however think my health problems would be unfair to her :(

If you're wondering where the husband is in all this, appearantly he was some hardcore player back in the day and she's jealous he slept around while she was unable to for reasons of insecurity. They sort of made an agreement I think, which any man with her would do logically haha. I'll tell you one thing............ I know what she wants, and that she would like alot of knew experiences in her life, I'm fearful our connection might dampen her ideals and I don't want that, it seems like the timing for a serious relationship of the kind I'm imagining is just wrong.

In the past I've thought "gee we'll maybe we will connect again at a later time." But in truth that's not going to happen, once her an I part it's forever and no matter if she regrets it or not at least we met.

The question is, do we have more than 1 soul mate? I tend to think not.

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A male reader, onechance United States +, writes (27 May 2009):

onechance agony auntok, well I'm back. It's been interesting so far. So I've been more friendly to my supposed soul mate like she wanted, etc. but guess what? I've seen a substantial decline in her presence, she actually pulled away! lol Weird but true! So I guess backing off made her feel inadequate and this may be why she pursued me more. Also I had a rather odd convo with her about her marriage after which she asked how many relationships I'd been in before. I told her the truth "I'm an eccentric and don't usually get along well with others." Pretty much I didn't see her after that day haha. I'm thinking she's fearful I haven't had alot of women in my life because it breaks her concept of "men have it so easy" etc. What I've learned is.... things unravel themselves over time ha.

I guess if anything ever changed I'll write back, for now I can't see much happening. Also one thing she does which peeves me off, she always refers to anything as "us" etc. meaning that coworker who initially had been with us at lunch, friendly stuff. But really it drives me nuts, hell she can't seem to relate to me without mentioning US haha it's really rather sad :(

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A male reader, onechance United States +, writes (9 May 2009):

onechance agony auntIt's me again! You know this is so stupid, but I tried avoiding my soul-mate-who's-married and it just didn't work very well. She emailed asking me exactly that, I thought I'd ignore it and 2 mins later got a new email saying "I can take a hint :(" so I ended up agreeing to have lunch with her and we both basically spent the hour together. I thought it was the end of that day but later she emailed asking to have a break with me etc. One thing she did tell me was "I might be abit paranoid, I just don't want to loose you as a friend." Words that sting but also have some joy I suppose. I'll try, I defeinitely know she loves her husband and will stay with him forever.... but it's hard to see beyond what I feel :| good luck to you all as well, hope you have more luck than I do

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A male reader, onechance United States +, writes (10 April 2009):

onechance agony auntI'm back again, boy this thread rocks! Anyways I've got more insight although it hasn't exactly been that long. I want to say to everyone here that if you believe you have met your soulmate then you probably indeed have. Those here claiming it's passion, etc. don't know there's a difference. This can be tingling sensation near them, simply knowing what they'll say, or how they react. It's really just like that person described kindrid spirit, however....... I markedly seperate from that persons views that all a soulmate is can be defined as a kindrid spirit. I truly think, well I KNOW that we all have soulmates in this world. And no god hasn't predestined us to be with them, it's really just random luck if you do find them!

But seriously here I would say to you all be REAL and honest, if you do meet your soul mate don't make your lives any more of a tradgedy by 1. being their best friend or 2. having an affair but never taking it further. You really need to explore it and say "the life I have wasn't right, I'm mature enough to change it." If you can do that and your soulmate is willing then you WILL make those changes. Otherwise be miserable for the rest of your lives. I for one believe the only sin would be to stay in a relationship you truly despise or is loveless. Or has everyone lost that romantism/ideal?

As for that girl (my soulmate) it's interesting, I'm leaving her alone now, I also know that equilibrium returns when the trigger that disrupts it is gone. That means when I am no longer around her my balance will return and so too will hers. Of course it's somewhat sad but it's good in a way since she made a choice to marry. I'm changing alot in a relatively short time, so much taht she isn't recognizing me as the same person I think. That's the first step...

Good luck to everyone and remember what I've said, you owe only yourselves happyness.

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A male reader, onechance United States +, writes (31 March 2009):

onechance agony auntI'm so sorry for all of you here, I never thought such things would even exist in this world. Until recently I'd never believed anything bad like this occured in anyones lives, I thought they met, fell in love, and were happy forever. Now I'm realizing this isn't the true case. How can I say it with such certainty? Well by just reading all your wonderful heartfelt posts! I'd like to share my experience just to let you know how I feel.

I moved out here around 1 year ago, at the time I'd never really dated any girls at all and mostly kept to myself. My friends seemed very slim to none and basically I have been alone for near 15 years (only online friends, 1 close friend in another state - I'm 29 now). I got a job immediately out here and maybe 4 months or so ago a new person came to work there. In honesty I'd never noticed her except at the initial meeting, but as chance happened I stumbled into a coworker chatting her up at lunch hour.

Immediately we struck it off, the more we had lunch the greater affinity I came to have towards her, almost knowing without thinking what she felt. I know it's easy to mistake this with someone if you've never been intimiate before, however.... I'm also more spiritually in tune with things too. It causes me depression sometimes but also helps me see the world differently. I'd tried ignoring the connection because I felt it was just my imagination, I listened and talked with her for some months during that hour period. What scared the hell out of me was this....

She said one time randomly "this feels more real to me". Instantly I feared she knew or felt confused etc. It had dawned on me long before we got along too well, almost as if it was like we always knew one another. Then it really became an issue when I tested this theory Saint Patricks Day, we went to a local bar and drank. I don't think we had left eachothers side for almost that entire night. Although I could tell she had no idea how I percieved her "as my soul mate" I knew it would never be possible (she's married at 23).

My story illustrates a strange fact, that events can play out where soulmates simply pass one another by, whether because of fate or bad luck. Another thing that scared me to hell was her saying she doesn't have a bed and sleeps on the floor (since 1 year now) because it's precisely the same thing for myself! I really got an eerie feeling about this because it's just to strange, to odd, to similiar.

In the end my solution was simple, go back to that bar I liked she'd taken me to and drink, since I never stepped foot in one until meeting her it was fate! lol I have been going back there just to relax and chill, getting drunk, basically doing my thing. And now I've distanced myself from those lunches because she is young and if she ever truly even for a second thought like I did about our meeting it would devestate her. I'm not in the mood to devestate someone :)

I read on here that in the bible when a man marries a girl they are one flesh, so that's how I'm treating this situation. I'll back off from getting to know her more and unfortunately her innocence seems to be translating into email after email asking if I'll be at lunch (when I don't go). It isn't anything serious for now, she's just liking our talks, but honestly I can't get near her because I feel one day she may look back and have regret.

That's my feeling anyway, but she taught me something too friends.... if you meet your soulmate and they're taken.... then change yourselves. In order to find a new soulmate you must change, become someone different than the one you currently have would know. In that way you can say goodbye and move onward to a new and brighter tommorrow. I'll try that and see how it goes, and thanks for making me understand marriage at a young age is never good it makes for broken hearts down the line.

Your friend

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A female reader, soulmatedreamer United States +, writes (20 February 2009):

I too am in love with my soul mate who is married and as I read these similar stories my heart gets sick with disgust because where in the world does it say we are to suffer in silence and deny ourselves that once in a life time soul mate love? I totally disagree with the matars who say we must suffer in silence and lies!

My husband left me last year and said he could not live a lie no longer. We were married for 13 years and he treated me horribly. I knew in my heart the love was just not there although I do believe he tried to love me. I also believe that since we only have one life to live, and that I loved my husband enough to let him go. You all say you are in agony because you chose not to be with your soul mate because he/she or you are married? Well, there is nothing more agonizing than living with someone whom you know in your spirit does not really love you.

I am angry at the comments, "Oh I don't want to destroy my family by leaving them." It is NOT the leaving them that will destroy them, it is the LIE you are living with them that is destroying them because you are NOT giving your whole self! You can't even if you wanted to! My husband left me and my two older sons, and yes it hurt. Yes, I went through the typical grief cycle and guess what? I was NOT destroyed! I am still living, I am happy and I am healed! And so are my sons! I got into some counseling and so did one of my sons and guess what, WE GOT THROUGH IT!

I am so thankful that my ex-husband was truthful to me and now I understand and respect that he just could not live a lie anymore. He was utterly miserable and we all knew it. Staying with someone whom you do not love only builds up years of resentment, bitterness, and anger toward the person whom you are staying with out of fear of destroying them. When he left, he was full of that anger and resentment toward me and himself for staying for as long as he did. Now since he is gone, my life has more at peace and joy than I could ever imagine! And I am alone right now!

Sometimes we just marry the wrong people and it is our responsibility to make it right even if it means leaving that person so BOTH of you can be happy. Do you really think that your spouse would want you to stay if you were not in love with him/her anymore? Love is pure and kind. It does not control and bind.

I also read a book that I highly recommend that gave me incredible insight and understanding called, "Coming Apart: Why Relationships End & How To Live Through the Ending of Yours" by Daphine Rose Kingma. She explains how society puts the shame on divorce and acceptance on death of a spouse and how couples enter marriage during a developmental stage in each others lives and it is natural and normal to sometimes grow out of that love and/or realize you married the wrong person. It also helps you get through it.

I love God with all my heart and soul. I KNOW He did NOT put us on this earth to be UNLOVED and in constant pain and agony. Jesus took care of that for us on the cross. I have studied the bible and no where do I recall it says that we are to live in misery like that! God is LOVE!

Yes, I met my soul mate too and yes he is married and I know in my heart that he loves me too. No we are not together yet, and no I have not told him. I will trust that he will come to me at the right time and tell me. He also knows I need to tell him something very important. And if he gives me the chance, I will tell him how I feel. It will be his choice if he wants to hear it and his choice to want to be with me. If he does not want to be with me, I will be sad, I will cry and mourn the loss of it, but I will not be destroyed! Love is selfless. Love is not about you but about the other person. Love is unconditional. I love this man enough to accept the choice he wants to make whether it is me or the marriage he is currently in. If he does not want to be with me, then I will walk away knowing that I gave him love by respecting his choice. If he does want to be with me, I will take him into my arms and love him with all my heart and soul and I will be his best friend and his lover, and I help him though everything.

You all need to go read more about God's pure soul mate love at this web site: http://www.circleoflight.net/.

You will be enlightened.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008):

Dear Confused,

The advice I will give you comes straight from the Bible. The only book I look to for guidance. To begin with this woman is not your soul mate. She is another man’s soul mate. She married him and they belong to one another. Exodus chapter 20 gives the only ten rules man is to abide by. The first 4 are for God and our relationship with Him. The last six are for humans and how we are to treat one another. So let’s start with Exodus 20: 14, “You shall not commit adultery.” By lusting or desiring this woman, you have sinned against her and her husband. Please do not misunderstand and say “well if lusting is the same as the action then what’s the difference?” Because there is a big difference sin begins in the heart the Bible tells us the heart is where a great deal of emotion is felt. The heart also refers to the mind, because the mind ultimately thinks of ways to achieve the goals or desires we want. Exodus 20:15 “You shall not steal.” You would also be breaking this command if you were to act upon your desires of taking another man’s wife. And Exodus 20:17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” Ultimately, this woman belongs to another man and he belongs to her they have been joined together as one flesh the Bible tells us.

My personal advice is treat this couple as you would like to be treated. You need to ask God to supply you with the right woman. She’s out there, but you need to be willing to wait for God’s perfect timing. Believe me I know what I’m saying here. When I was single I had a friend who told me the only way to meet a man was to go to the bars. I told her as politely as possible that is not the kind of man I wanted. Generally, if you find someone in the bar that is were they are most comfortable and that’s where they will spend most of their time. My friend is on her third bar marriage and still not happy, while I waited for God to supply the right man, granted it took God a little over a year after that conversation with Laura to bring me together with my husband, but it was well worth the wait. My husband and I have never had a fight in the ten years we have been together or any other real difficulties. We are comfortable with each other in any situation. We have an understanding that the other person is always welcome to accompany the other where ever the other goes, or not to. But, we both know the other person is not in anyway shape or form doing anything that would bring unwanted hurt to the other. By our putting the other person’s feeling ahead of our own we avoid difficulties in our marriage.

Psychology tells us that half of all people shop in someone else’s marriage to find a spouse. The seeking woman likes the way the husband treats his wife and desires that same close intimacy. Or, the seeking man likes the way the woman treats her husband and desires that relationship with her. The only problem is their relationship works because they are joined together as husband and wife and when you enter in a different person with a different personality it changes the working mix. All of a sudden partners are switched but, also personalities are changed. People treat different people in different ways.

I hope this helps. I can only tell you what is morally right. God has the ideal woman out there for you, but you need to be patient and wait on his perfect timing. You know it’s alright to ask God for a sign when the right woman shows up. Example, I asked God to allow the right man to show up on my door step some day rather than me going out to look for one. And God did my husband showed up on my door step telling me a voice in his head said to stop in and visit with me. Personally, I’m very glad I waited other wise I most likely would of ended up with the wrong man.

Sincerely,

Someone trying to help

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A female reader, Smiley88 United States +, writes (7 July 2008):

I am reading negative replies on this board pertaining to

soulmates.I know some people do not believe in soulmates,but just because you dont,doesn't mean you should put others down.A person cannot help who they love.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008):

Since I met my soulmate,I do not feel like I can live without him.Some days get a funny feeling in my stomach.

Me and my soulmate are at two different stages in our lives.

I contacted a physic and was told we are Karmic soulmates.I have had alot of telepathic experiences with my soulmate also.I hear and believe that soulmates are destined to be together.If you are meant to be with your soulmate,I think the soul is a driving force.I a determining factor for soulmates coming together is more about what the soul needs than anything else.If a person is in a relationship with someone that is not their soulmate,its like trying to put a top on a pot that does not fit.

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A female reader, dragonchyld1964 United States +, writes (3 June 2008):

I know EXACTLY how you feel, bless your heart! I dreamed of my soul mate before we ever met and when we did meet, I felt an instant connection and I think he did, too, even though he would never admit it, I am sure. I went for several years in agony and finally got the guts to tell him how I felt. He is married and has a pretty high position in the community and in the church. He would do nothing to jeopordize that and I respect that. So, even though I KNEW he was interested, he had to say I can't; Not now or ever. I finally had to make peace with myself and move on. I still long for him from time to time, but not nearly as bad. I lost a lot of weight and almost lost my job because of the lack of concentration.You just have to find a happy place and tell yourself that if she truly is your soul mate, you will eventually be together again. Good luck....and take care.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

I am married and have been for many years to a wonderful lady. There is nothing wrong with our relationship. She is pretty, she is my friend and she is a wonderful mother to my children. So why am I a mess emotionally? I have stuggled for probably 4-5 years with being in love with one of my employees who is also married. I have no idea why these feelings started, but they did and they are strong! It is driving me mad now after all of these years. I try to suppress them and that works for a few months, then they come back again. I have prayed to get this girl out of my head and it is not working. I can't tell this person how I feel because I am the boss and that would be inappropriate. I think she knows though by certain things she does. I also cannot tell anyone because I don't want to hurt my kids or my wife or my family. I also don't want to hurt the person I am in love with and her family.

What a mess! Why does this have happen?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008):

Every answer here seems to be more or less the same. It saddens me. Why does marriage have to be a prison? We have one life, only one. Why be unhappy just to spare someone else a difficult process from which they will recover? Yes, a family which is broken up WILL recover and in the end, everyone will be fine.

My question to all of you who are suffering in the chains of marriage is...will you ever have the courage to live for yourself? Ultimately, our lives are our own, are they not?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008):

My situation is like a lot of the ones I read and I'm glad that I'm not alone, although I wouldn't wish these feelings on my worst enemy. I am in love with my married boss - and I too, am married. There is definitely a mutual attraction but there are so many circumstances making it difficult for us to be physically close. He is my light, I love the way he makes me feels, I am extremely attracted to him, he inspires me to grow - we connect on so many levels. His wife is great. My husband is great. But there is a Karmic Connection if you will. I am tormented and depressed and have prayed for this "feeling" to leave but it doesn't. It's been 4 years. I love him, and feel that we are headed in the direction of intimacy. I don't know what will happen after that.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008):

Hi all

I thought I was the only one going through this.

Here is the short version of my situation:

I have been with my partener for 15 years, been married for 5 of them.

She is everything a guy would wish for, everyone around me says how lucky I am, I probably am but for some stupid reason I am in love with someone else.

I have tried to stop these feelings but it's not happening.

We have been sleeping together, it started off as a bit of fun but now we are madly in love with each other.

There are no children involved but our families are the closest families I have ever met.

What the hell do I do ?

I have been given an ultimatum, leave your wife or its over.

Do I live a lie for about 30 family members & my wife so they are happy & are none the wiser or do I destroy many lives, make everyone hate me but be with the person I love so much.

This really is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make.

Please give some good advice, hope its what I want to hear :(

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A female reader, louweez23 United Kingdom +, writes (14 April 2008):

louweez23 agony auntOkay well here's what you do. Get rid!

No 'but she's my soulmate'. She's married.

She already has a soul mate. Her husband. Why do you think she married him?

True. She may not be experiencing the connection she had when they first met but you can bet your bottom dollar she still loves him. She hasn't got any incentive to reestablish her connection to her husband because YOU are filling that need.

Now ask yourself this. Why are you wasting your time on a woman who isn't available to you when there are plenty of single people around who you could establish the same connection with?

Are you a masochist?

I've got some news for you. There's no such thing as a soul mate. Just people who you feel you have a lot in common with, and there's more than one out there. You can have that connection with any number of people without compromising your moral values.

Get a grip. Get a reality check and get out before you hurt her, her family and yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008):

I truly understand your situation. My situation is just as bad. However, I am a married woman with 3 children. The person I am madly in love with and have been for 17 years is my husbands cousin. We never did anything about our feelings up until recently when I expressed how unhappy my marriage was and from there is took off. We expressed our feelings for each other and how long we have felt this way. It finally came to a head and my husband knows about it. My husband and I have had problems with our marriage for a long time, but by this coming out, all of the other problems have not been addressed. He is blaming our problems on this. He feels that I have been lying to him for 17 years. I did fall in love with my husband, but fell out of love with a long time ago, but did the right thing for the kids. I will begin counseling this week and we are trying to work it out, but I still am in love with his cousin. I understand about the not eating, not sleeping. I can't seem to function now that I can't communicate with his cousin anymore. I have hurt alot of people with my affair (my husband had an emotional affair on me 2yrs. ago). I didn't do this as a sort of vengeance. I'm not vindictive. I don't know where it will go from here, but taking day by day. I wish I could help...it's really hard.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008):

Given the choice between having her in my life as a friend and not having her in my life at all I choose friendship. I pray it lasts and lasts. God bless all of you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008):

It felt so good to find all of your stories on this site! I am in a similar position to so many of you. I began a new job almost 2 years ago now. A family friend had recommended me, and the man who would end up being my boss was unhappy that he was being forced to hire someone he hadn't even interviewed. I was uncomfortable as well, I had only asked for advice, and ended up being offered a job by the owner of the company. I knew the store manager wherever I ended up would feel his hand was being forced.

The first day on the job everything changed for me and my new boss. There was an instant connection between the two of us! I've never felt the way I feel about him before in my life. I can still feel the sinking feeling when I realized he was wearing a wedding ring, and then saw the Christmas photo of his three children.

The two of us can talk forever, calm each other, anticipate one another's feelings and thoughts, share so many of the same hopes, goals, feelings, opinions, in fact we are very much alike. We have spoken about how we feel about one another, and share the same feelings about the connection we have. We also both feel strongly that we cannot act on these feelings. The closest we've gotten physically is a long hug, although things could have gone much further many times.

He and his wife have 3 wonderful children. I've spent a lot of time with them at the store, and I became especially close with their 13 year old daughter. These kids are the biggest reason why I can't allow our relationship to hurt his marriage.

I also have become very close with his other daughter, from a previous relationship. We are so close that, whatever happens with her father and I, she will remain a close friend forever.

He started a new job last May, and for the first few months focussed on getting me a job at his new company. We have similar interests, so I was happy about the possible opportunity. After months of him pushing his new bosses I flew to meet them for an interview, but I did not get the job. His guilt was unbelievable, and I think the pressure leading up to this was too much for many reasons. After a few more months of the being let down by the job he had taken, he decided to move on. He is now starting his own store and hoping to open more in the future. I'm so happy for him, I don't think he should be working for anyone else, and I know he'll be very successful. I worked for him last week setting up an event and selling with him (I was the only one outside his family). Now he wants me to work for him opening stores.

I'm happy to have him close to me again (he was traveling a lot for the job he took this past year), but wondering if too much could lead to problems with his wife. Our last day working together was April Fool's Day, and I thought about telling him I decided I couldn't work for him. I decided that would be way too mean (not a funny April Fool's joke) but I did tell him at the end of the day I had thought about it. He thanked me for not doing it, and said that would have sent him over the edge.

I love being around him, and I know he loves being around me. We are compatible in every way including working very well together. We are each other's soulmates, but I also know he loves his wife and family and I would never want to hurt them. I want to work with him, but am nervous his wife will catch on to our connection.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008):

Kuodos to those who honor their committments.

you must suck up the pain , forever!

It could be worse, they could be dead of cancer, or an accident etc. Think how you would feel. If you lvoe them you should not cause them pain either. Try to communicate to releive the pressure, with clear understanding that nothing will happen.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008):

Poteidaia,

After reading through all of this and giving the issue itself much thought. I am on the female side of your situation. Married, love my husband very much. But, my needs were not being met for a long time, so I was looking without realizing. From your last posting I see that she too needs you. The two of you need to have 'come to Jesus talk', come clean. See if she too is in this position, but didn't realize. Then the two of you can decide what to do.

Cheers!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008):

Poteidaia,

After reading through all of this and giving the issue itself much thought. I am on the female side of your situation. Married, love my husband very much. But, my needs we not being met for a long time, so I was looking without realizing. From you last posting I see that she too needs you. The two of you need to have 'come to Jesus talk', come clean. See if she too is in this position, but didn't realize. Then the two of you can decide what to do.

Cheers!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008):

I have been married for 8 years, i met my husband 11 years ago at work. I also met my soulmate, why didn't i marry him? well lets just say, things were never said at the right time, i didn't know he felt that way about me, and he didn't think i had those feelings for him. We lost touch for a while, but i often thought of him, and realised that i was in love with him, and always have been!

We got back in touch about a year ago, and all our feelings poured out! We are both in unhappy marriages, knowing that we should be together, but as we both have children and he's terrified that his will be taken from him if the truth comes out, it is an impossible situation.

I know it sounds corny and there will be people who are thinking just get over it and get on with the life you chose, but it's not that easy, his wife doesn't treat him or their children as they deserve and my husband doesn't make any effort with me and our child! How were we to know that our marriages wouldn't turn out as we'd planned?

People don't believe others when they say that love hurts, but it actually does.

Thinking about him, and being with him makes me happier than i thought possible, but it breaks my heart that we didn't tell each other how we felt when we were single!We both know that we would have been great together, my family adored him, and his family very much liked me!

It sounds too ridiculous to be true doesn't it? but unfortunately these things do happen.

How on earth are you supposed to forget about someone you have been in love with for so long, and how do you make the best of it if you can't? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008):

You are all suffering, as am I. We stay together out of duty, but our hearts want to carry us away to a place so bittersweet it's a tragedy. I have been married for 13 years, many of those not happy. We have two children and have now reached a pleasant way to go about our lives, or so it seems. I live a lie, I have never been happy but family and children are so important as is the responsibility of a father not ot run away. I now love someone else who is everything I have always wanted, my soulmate. So, do I destroy my family for love or do I give up my soulmate love for my family? I don't know, it's very sad.

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A male reader, always1 Canada +, writes (22 January 2008):

I met my soulmate almost 3 yrs ago. I had a dream about her before we met, but I recognized her instantly the first time I saw her. We both saw light when we first saw each other in the restaurant. She was staring at me and all I could see was her eyes. The light was so strong that I could barley see her face. I gave her my email address and we corresponded. She instantly had powerful feelings for me, just as I did for her. We knew each other's entire personality and likes/dislikes without even asking. Our interests and life goals were identical. My entire being went crazy! Then all of a sudden she stopped writing. But then we kept bumping into each other at the most random places even in a city where I wasn't even living. It turned out she had a boyfriend, but when her and I would bump into each other, she would stare at me and wouldn't hold his hand. Her and I are connected in a beautiful way. I will always love her. I stopped trying and decided that God would bring us together when it's truly meant to be. She's now married (to the guy who was her boyfriend) but I know she loves me. It's very hard for me to deal with. There is a lot of pain and it's been very hard for me to love other women. I'm trying to move on but I know that I will always love her. I know the pain that you all are going through. We have this pain for a reason...it is something that must make us wiser, and move loving to all of humanity. Once a soulmate, always a soulmate. Your soulmate might not be ready for you right now and if that is the case, then even though you met and came together, your soulmate will ultimately leave to go and learn whatever they need to learn so that they have the relationship that God wants you both to have. Know that your soulmate will always be there, and not just in this lifetime. Keep on living, keep on loving, love life to the fullest and life will love you back. Meet other people, and love them too. Learn what you need to learn. Don't worry about being with your soulmate. I know it hurts to be without them, but is only because you are not okay with the way God is moving things. Just live your life. Be like the wind and be free. Take the leap of faith that life without your soulmate is completely worth living. The leap of faith is what you need to learn. I'm doing my best to take it and I know I will feel and live better once I've taken it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008):

It's amazing to read all your stories and to know that I am not alone in my sadness. And it is a relief to find a venue to share my story with others that understand.

I met my soulmate in college in 1985. In an instant, I was in love. We were so connnected. People would constantly comment on the love and passion they saw between us. It was the envy of many. It was the happiest time of my life. We grew closer and closer every day. And then one day it was over with no warning. Twenty-two years later, I have no idea what happened. He very suddenly distanced himself from me. He started to hang with other girls. He avoided me. I was so in shock, I never asked him for an explanation because I truly believed it was a moment he was having (his parents were divorced and he definitely feared commitment) and that we were so connected that it would all work out. But then too much time was passing and things weren't getting better. I was so incredibly heartbroken. I decided to leave school - take a break from having to deal with living on campus with him and remaining in the same social circles. Two days before I was scheduled to leave school, he set off on a mission to find me on campus. He caught up to me and seemed upset that I was leaving. Despite him being in a new relationship at this point, we spent one last night together. As we made love, I cried because i suspected that it would be the last time I ever touched him. When I woke up that morning, he had his arms around me and was sleeping clenching my hand in his. I never told him I loved him and I regret not taking that last moment together to tell him how much he meant to me. It hurts even now to think of that missed opportunity. I never forgot him. I cant think of a time longer than a few days that I haven't thought about him. And I have had an annual cry for the last twenty years, as I think about the love and the pain I endured in those days that followed the "break up" (although he never actually dumped me - wish he would have). I'm married now and have two children. I can never mention my soulmates name to my husband, even in playful college stories with friends, because it makes my husband uncomfortable. I suspect he understands that he doesn't own my heart in its entirety. I have used the Internet to do what I can to keep tabs on my soulmate and have only had a very thin picture of his life until recently when he put up a website for his new business venture. His current email address was posted. I had to email him and I did. We had a great correspondence amd I discovered that he never married and has no kids (lives with his girlfriend and dog). Sadly, I only had the courage to tell him that I still thought of him and that I still remember with great fondness the uncomplicated connection we shared all those years ago. He too acknowledged our connection and said that he was glad I wrote because it put things in perspective for him. But now I have not been able to stop thinking about him and I am walking around full of love and grief. A piece of me says that it wouldn't hurt either of us if I wrote him again to let him know how I feel. It would get it off my chest. And if he doesn't receive the message well, all he has to do is hit delete and not respond. I know I'll never stop loving him, because 22 years later I still feel the same as I did the night I met him. I'm thinking that if I could just tell him how I feel that perhaps I could move on and live the life I have with my husband and kids. Please, any thoughts here would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007):

I met my soulmate 25 years ago, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Things progressed well until one day things got kind of hot and heavy and she panicked and ran home. "J" was from a strict Catholic family and we were rounding second base heading for home which freaked her out, but she really did like me and me her.

I thought she hated me and was afraid to call her. I started dating a girl a few months later and never spoke with her again. A few days before my first child was born this fall, she sent me a message via Facebook. I was stunned.j said she never forgot me and often drove by my house when she was in town to see if I still lived there... she had moved to Germany...

Anyways, we met up and the chemistry was instantaneous for both of us. We met twice more after lots of emailing and eventually slept together a few times. However, even tho she is married (with the same guy for 20 years) she isn't happy but feels incredibly guilty. I do as well, but I cannot stop thinking about her and wanting to be with her. She says the same, and me just caling her gets her excited... she had never slept with another man in 20 years despite many opportunities.

Her father is dying so she has lots on her plate right now but she seems to be unwilling to move forward while she is married. I know she is my soulmate, but what to do? I want to give her space but at the same time think maybe I should fight for her... she also has two children who she doesn't want to devastate by leaving their father.

Talk about complicated... any and all advice is welcome.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007):

To the female reader of Dec. 17th. YES YOU CAN! I have known this gal for 16 months now. We are each married to someone else. I care about her deeply. She is my soulmate. I have no clue as to whether she sees me this way but given the choice between having her in my life as my friend and confidant and not having her in my life at all, I choose friendship. She and I have been friends this long, I pray it continues for a very very long time to come. Yes you can!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007):

I am happy I found this posting. I found my soulmate in 1999. I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. We had an affair. He moved to the other side of the country. We kept in touch. I got married and it crushed him. I couldn't wait for him to settle down...I should have. He is now getting married. We chat on private email accounts. We have a cyber life together.

I love my husband so very much and I am certain he loves his fiance, but we are both left with a feeling of emptiness. We know we will never stop loving each other and we will always crave to be together. I cannot stop talking to him...I have stopped trying.

The pain of being married to someone you care deeply about and at the same time loving your soulmate you cannot ever be with is a horrible torture. When I dream it is of him. When I wake I am with my husband. I would not want to trade the security I have with one for the loss of control I have with the other.

I know the cyberlife I lead is just the same as cheating. I know it would hurt my husband. I know all of this, but the power of my connection to my soulmate fouls my sense of judgement. I cannot ever see him, but he is always with me. Thousands of miles away yet always inside me.

Can I cope a lifetime like this? Has anyone?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007):

Hi i feel the pain you going through because i'm going throught the same thing. I'm a married woman but on my to divorce court. But i met my soul mate like three yr's ago while visting my family in alabama and it was a very huge connection between us but we did not act out at the time i tought i was happily married to my husband at the time and he was with his girlfreind who is wife now. So three yr's went we talk to each other from time to time but nothing big. Then last month i went to visit my folks for thank'sgiving and he came to see me and the connection was even stronger and we spent some time together and when i got back home i could not think,sleep.eat and we start talking on the phone everyday he told me he love me i told him that i love him and we even talk about marriage. But he got scared and though he was making a mistake by doing this to his wife. So told me that he could not do it anymore. So i'm suffering very bad from this i know hw loves me i think he just scared.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007):

it's not meant to be, best thing to do is try to stop thinking about it, before it eats you away, trust me from my own experiences. Because it will just keep eating and eating at you, just find another women, but that is easy as said, it will take time my good man, time will only tell!!!, ~~Ezzzzz

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007):

I have been married for 14 years and the relationship has been difficult. I met a man 3 years ago and just instantly connected with him. When I am with him, I just see and feel things so differently. I have refused to act on my feelings out of respect for the commitment I have made with my husband. The other part is, it is one sided. If he is a soulmate, then as far as I know, it is not recognized by him. Well anyway, love-emotions-infatuation-projections, etc...are complicated. Reality is---if honesty is not a priority, then people get hurt. But what is honesty? Is a labor-intensive commitment being honest to one's inner voice? Society's standardized version of love does not necessarily encapsulate the depth and breadth of it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007):

I'm 28 years old... and I married my wife thinking "I'm pretty happy, so I should make the most of it, something better may never come around." I knew she wasn't my soulmate. In fact, I never thought soul mates existed, that it was a thing of romance novels and fairy tales. With my wife 5 months pregnant with our first child, a girl walks into my life whose mind and soul I just so deeply KNEW from the moment I met her. We became very quick friends and eventually, inevitably shared a bit of intimacy. Our first kiss felt like the stars were falling from the sky and the earth moved. We've spent hours staring into each others' eyes talking and snuggling, we just fit together so perfectly.

After a couple weeks of intimacy, we realized we should cool it, since I'm married, it was getting too heavy, and weighted down with negative outside pressures. Both of us feel empty when we're apart. But the negative heavy pressure is bearing down on us. She's desperate to remain in each others' lives in whatever capacity (just friends, whatever) because there is so much more to discover in our beautiful relationship. She went back to her long-time unstable boyfriend, trying desperately to make it work while she turns to drinking to dull the pain of all this. I'm only moderately happy in my marriage with a wife who doesn't know the true me, loves me superficially, and not deeply. A wife whom I have always known was not my soul mate.

Now i've found my soul mate and it's tormenting me. It would be so much easier if i could tell my soul mate to just leave my life and be done with it, forget about everything. But I can't, and I don't for a second feel the slightest bit of guilt or regret over the moments we've spent together. These moments are precious and give my life meaning. I know now what depths of love are possible in this life.

Who knows what the future will bring, or if I'm strong enough to keep my soul mate in my life without allowing our relationship to bloom into all it COULD be. But I do know how empty my life feels when she's not around.

I'm confused and tormented but feel so blessed to have experienced these things.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007):

I found my soulmate quite by accident. Over the internet on a innocuous chat room that we just kept in contact over a number of months. We finally decided to meet. We both are married and have been for many years. I have been for over 30 years and she has for close to 25. Both our marriages are stable but limited in closeness. Her husband had been pushing for an 'open relationship' and he had done some experimenting with meeting other women. She consented about him doing it but did not want to do the same. She has not been intimate with her husband for a number of years. But she and him still apparently care for each other. My marriage is more businesslike. We have adult children and still look out and help each other. My wife and I have grown apart sexually and rarely (over a year as I am writing this) are intimate. But we defend and protect each other in anything that may arise. It does not bother my wife at all that we are rarely intimate. I feel the same.

When we finally met, she flew in to the city that I live in, it was an instantaneous connection. We sat for hours talking at a restaurant and it was uncanny how she and I knew what was going to be said by ther other before any words were spoken. It was like looking into a personality mirror. We had agreed to only meet and talk and nothing more. We almost said it simultaneously about getting a hotel room. She was there anyway for the weekend to see a family member who lives in the city that I am in. Words cannot express the connection that we realized over that weekend and many others since.

That was 10 years ago. We are soulmates and still see each other whenever we can. Sometimes it is only several times a year. Other years we have seen each other many more. We are still both married and care for our mates. But we also know that we truly are each other's soulmate. Even after so many years 'together' we may not talk on the phone for several weeks to each other and one of us will call and invariably I or her will seem to know that we were thinking of calling. Our meetings are fantastic. We may only spend a day together or if we are lucky a week. My wife know about her but not about the depth of our connection. Her husband knows about us completely and is happy for her about it.

At least to this extent I have my soulmate and she has her soulmate. We know that we are together always even when we are apart. Someday we may be together always but we are happy that at least we did not give up that soulmate connection and look forward to seeing each other even if it is months apart.

For us soulmates are truly for life and there is only one. Very very few are lucky enough to even meet their soulmate. If it does happen it truly is fate and should never be left to slip away.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007):

People's paths cross for a reason in life, sometimes we don't always understand why. I've been married and divorced, and recently had magical connection with a man tha I did not think was possible until now. He told me after the fact that he is married, I give cuddos to his honesty, so it's completely normal to battle in our minds, am I going to hell or do I ride the wave? Life if full of the unexplainable and all I can say is there is a God who will show the way. I am now a believer in soul mate connections, they do exist if our hearts/minds are open to that most blissful experience with another human being.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007):

If you met your soulmate when he or she is married, or if you are, I am sure you met for a reason... Only God knows that reason...hopefully we will figure it out...

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A female reader, Virgo101 United States +, writes (12 November 2007):

What i am learning is that the ONE above is in charge, i have read enough to know that us humans weren't taught how to love and find our soul mate we seemed to be taught to go with emotions settle for whoever at the end we are still empty handed when we do find our soul mate because one they can be married or two not in love with you anymore as there are many fish out in this sea of earth but either way its best to work with ourselves and find what is really bothering us. I do agree that whatever is meant to be will be we get very impatient when it doesn't happen on our terms believe me when i say that. i even went to see a spiritual reader and finding out that she only told me what i wanted to hear. Closure is very important but sometimes it isn't enough. I opened and closed the door on my soulmate because i just knew it was never going to change. At this moment I am debating if i should move on and let me husband find a woman who is in love with him I am tired of being selfish and tired of thinking of someone who is very part of my past, letting go is harder said than done but i am determine to do so. FEAR/LOVE to very complicated emotions.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007):

Maybe I see the issue differently because I knew who my soulmate was long before I married someone else. Marriage is marriage, you put time effort and love into your marriage no matter who else you may or may not have this incredible connection with, and for those who have experienced it truly it is incredible. My marriage is a completely different issue than my soulmate, who I still love with all my heart, and occasionally check in on. I try to keep my distance (she is married also), and I make sure never to see her when we would be alone together. My marriage is fine, not great, and my wife is fully aware that I am not her soulmate (her's passed away shortly before we were married). My point is that you do not have to marry your soulmate, and it is perfectly possible to love someone, and be a faithfully married partner to someone who is not your soulmate. Always remember love is an action, as well as an emotion. So find someone else to love, and console yourself with the knowledge that you have your own partner in this life, and you aren't sharing another man's wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007):

I met my soulmate in June. We had an instant rapport, felt comfortable together, took things a little too far, but not all the way. I found out he had a girlfriend, by coincidentally running into each other on a walk. We exchanged hellos, had a short conversation. I said nothing about the night I was with him, and I went my separate way, assuming I'd never see him again.

We bumped into each other again in October, he was alone, I was alone, and we crossed paths quite by accident. We were at the same place, leaving at the same time, and there we were when we looked up. It was the same instant rapport, and all the comfort we felt with each other picked up right where it left off. It was really strange.

This time, we took it too far. The first thing the next morning, he told me he had to leave because he was really married. Before he even spoke, I knew he felt guilty, and I was not pleased. But, I let him go without throwing a fit. I didn't hear from him for two weeks.

I decided to contact him, because I still had questions for him. I needed closure. He responded very quickly, wasn't at all defensive. He took full responsibility, and spoke to me like a mature man should. I wanted some more detail, and when we talked on the phone he told me his marriage history. He never asked me to be the other woman, and I know I don't want to be the other woman.

A number of things stuck out about our conversation. First, he talked about the "fated" quality of our coincidental meeting that night had, he said "I looked up, and there you were. There was comfort staring me in the face." That's exactly the feeling I had when I looked at him. I've never experienced a feeling like that before.

What came of out our conversation is that I certainly don't want to be the other woman (if my husband did this, I would be devastated!) and he doesn't want a mistress (he wants to be a faithful man, and wants to see if time and communication will improve his marriage). I don't know the whole story behind his marriage, because its not my business, its his. All I know is that its an unhappy one right now, very little time together and have very little communication. He going to try to improve those things, and I want to him to try to do that.

Long story short, we're going our separate ways. My soulmate was a very bittersweet but honest conversation between two people being mature, and fully taking responsibility for our own actions. He feels guilt for cheating on his wife, as he should. He feels regret, for not making me aware of the truth, as he should. I am staying away from both him and his marriage, as I should.

But, there was something in the way we talked and interacted. Somehow he cheated, I was the unaware affair partner, but we both kept our integrity to each other in tact. I know he's my soulmate, and that I am his. But, we can't and won't interact again, and only time will tell.

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A male reader, jumpman23 United Kingdom +, writes (22 October 2007):

i should add that when we met and hit it off she was going to be going through a divorce, i heard this on the phone and blazing arguments ending in many tears , what i am saying is that i thaught she was near enough single , would not of done it if she was happily married

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

It's not impossible to be married to one and in love with someone else...it's a sign that you either married the wrong person or your marriage is over, but you have not left. However, people should not express their love for another if they are married...bad marriage or not. If someone is meant for you they will wait for you. And they will want the relationship to start on good terms.

This is how this type of situation should read. I was in a bad marriage. I tried everything to make it work...we constantly grew apart...before I knew I started to fall for someone else and unfortunatley he was married to. We refused to act on our feelings. We respected our marriages even though we knew they were failing. At different times got divorced and after a period of time found ourselves spending time together and eventually we got married and had a child...WE knew that we were meant to be together and things worked out for us.

That sounds like a soul mate situation between two people that met while married...right? But definitely NOT!...he cheated on his wife got me pregnant and refuses to divorce his her...Oh yeah, but he's my soul mate...Sorry, but if your story is any inclination of what soul mates are then most people that are searching are in big trouble. I hate to see people wasting their time. Get your act together so you can really find the right man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

I've read through about half of all these stories and they all seem to match mine quite a bit and the feelings. We met 3 years ago and for some reason I just couldn't stop thinking about him. He is 12 years older than me and I wasn't looking for anyone. We were both married, both led almost similar experiences in our lives. I have a girl and he has a boy and they are even so much alike. My daughter feels this weird connection with his son. They have so much in common it is freaky. They are like best friends and they are only 12 years old. We both got married because we had babies and thought that's what you are supposed to do. Its been a year later since we both expressed how we felt. I felt so crazy telling him I loved him the first time we ever were alone together. It's like my heart was speaking and my brain couldn't do anything to stop it. We probably should have stopped things right then because he knew that he could not leave his kids and he told me that from the beginning. For me I could not do it and got a divorce. I continued to see him even though I knew he was not going to leave his wife. I just couldn't stop myself. So one year later I am 9 months pregnant with his baby. Now we have really complicated things. My advice to anyone who has a soulmate who is already married... walk away before it gets out of hand. If they are your soulmate you will eventually find each other again. Now I am dealing with raising our son on my own. He still calls me... I don't think I could tell him to leave me alone now. He will definitly be in my life forever because we have a son but he isn't going to be around like I need him to be. If I had just walked away in the beginning.. things wouldn't be such a mess right now. I know eventually everything will work out but in the mean time its hard as hell and now I have to raise our son on my own.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007):

sTOP! sHE'S MARRIED!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007):

I've been married for eight years and we have 3 children. My wife cheated on me about 9 months ago and for the last 8 months or so I've been trying to stay with her. She was not trying at all and says it was because she was uncomfortable around me. Recently, I decided I was going to move out and that we would start down the path towards divorce. She had a melt down and has since decided that she really really really wants to try this time.

Problem is that about a month ago I met someone with whom I really click. We share the same dreams, hopes, desire, etc. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, she is mine and I am hers. Now I'm in a pickle, I don't know what to do. I don't love my wife like a husband should and I don't want to be with her. At the same time, we have 3 children together and I care enough about her that I don't want to devastate her.

I'm sure I will end up leaving my unfaithful wife and will eventually end up with my "soul mate". However, the time between now and then is agonizing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007):

i am also in this dilema my boss and i met 2 years ago i cant seem to move on with my life i try to avoid him its really hard the flirting has stopped but when we inevitably do meet we cant take our eyes off eachother its as if noone else is there oh maybe someday we will get together i even dream of him he looks as if he is about to talk to me and we both go mute i was aware he liked me 6 months before i realised how much i cared for him but because of our circumstances i doubt it will develop if it was just a sexual encounter it would have happened by now theres just too many people that would be hurt just like you i doubt i will ever feel whole again without mike in my life everything seems to have gone south i try to be active i workout that helps but i have to try to work things out with my hubby somehow i try to console myself by my mothers old sayings the grass is not always greener on the otherside but then i think what if it is what would i do if mike wanted to take things to another level i just dont know but the feelings we feel are still their 2 years on that cant be lust or infatuation i believe we are soulmates but as with you now is not the time but im a believer in fate also destiny so watch this space i wish you love kindness and happiness x

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A female reader, Sara181204 United Kingdom +, writes (8 October 2007):

I am really sorry that you are going through this too.

I am in a similar situation the only difference is that I am the one married!

I wish I could help but I can only tell you that you are not alone.

For me it's been a year and a half already since I fell in love with my "soulmate" and I still can't forget him.

Everybody says just keep your mind busy and the pain will eventually fade. I don't know if you are married but if I wasn't married I would try to hang out a lot with my friends, keep busy, meet other people and you will increase the chances of meeting other women and who knows, you may even find another soulmate out there that you didn't know existed.

We tend to think there is only one soulmate in our lives but I believe one person can have more than a soulmate. They are hard to find but once you find them the feeling is wonderful. Well, you already know that.

I know I don't have much to offer but I hope this helps you a bit.

Good luck and be strong!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007):

Several years ago, I too had a love at first sight situation. At the time she was unhappy with her marriage and planning on leaving her husband. Unfortunately for me she could not go through with it because of her children and the fact that she didnt want them to be without their daddy, so she made the decision to sacrifice her own happiness for her children which I know is the most important part of her life, and i can do nothing but admire her for making a sacrifice like that. Since then I too am now married, but nothing compares to the way this lady made me feel. This is not something which can be explained or put into words, its not just some kind of obsession. This is something which is more that any kind of love for another person.. I have tried for so long to forget about her, to just make it stop, but it just wont go away. Since then she has had 2 more children, and I have been out of contact with her for several years until a couple of months ago when i stumbled upon her quite accidentally. It truly is the most bittersweet thing i have experienced in my life. We are almost a carbon copy of each other, there have even been times when we know when we are close to each other. It has been so strong that I have actually gone looking for her, only to find out that i have missed her only by a matter of a few minutes. This person is a part of me, one which never ever leaves me, never fades, never quits. Sometimes i think I am loosing my mind, I dont understand it, all i know is that she is without a doubt my soulmate. I am married now, and it is making things in my current marriage very difficult for me. Not because I am comparing the two, but because there is nothing that compares to the way this feels. She tells me that someday we will be able to be together, somehow, i dont know how, but i have to believe her. She calls me every day and we talk for at least an hour or two every day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007):

From what you are describing it sounds as though you are having symptoms of a disorder that is unrelated to your soulmate. I strongly recommend you seek the councel of a pychiatrist. The physiological response you are having as well as your thoughts point closer to mania associated with Bipolar disorder. I know my soulmate and I can still eat and concentrate. Also you wouldnt have to tell a soulmate they are your soulmate. They would know!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007):

To the female anonymous reader posting September 26th. Walk in my shoes. Each and every one of us have had very unique experiences and emotions that bring us to feel the way we do about the soulmate we have found. Don't pass judgement? Our relationships have many spokes coming from the hub of the wheel. Each spoke (our relationships)interact with the other. Life takes us where it will. We are all human, that makes us feel. Cause and effect. Does this make any sense to anyone out there? Please excuse me if it doesn't? Take care. Each and every one of you. Life is tough. May God bless you all including the gal posting hers on Sept. 26th.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007):

I'm sorry but here I really have to speak my mind. For the people who have met their 'soul mate's later on in life, then yeah, maybe the person you're with now isn't the person you're meant to be with but doesn't it make it easier knowing that you're not the only one with itchy feet? I'm with someone now that I love, and have loved pretty much since I met him, which is probably how you all felt about your spouses when you married them (otherwise you wouldn't have married them, right?) but sometimes it isn't easy, because i work away a lot, because he works away a lot yada yada yada. But not at any point have I thought, oh you know what, that guy down at the store looks at me more?.... SOMETIMES YOUR BELOVED HAS TO LIVE A LIFE TOO, if you're busy falling in love with someone then ask yourself why. If when you married your other half you thought it was just for now then fine, but if you were marrying them because they are your Other Half (you know what I mean if you feel what I do) then you would never ever think about being with someone else. Never. The thing that worries me is that these days everyone seems to be expecting to have their Major Relationship fall apart, and oh look, it does, but if it's meant to be, then it will work. Your other half is NOT a nice pair of shoes, he's your man. And he's the best.

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A female reader, Crala United States +, writes (12 August 2007):

Isn't that the truth...easier said than done. I am also moving on my biggest thing right now is every man I date can't seem to compare. Which I know stop comparing also another easier said than done. My faith is strong so I know that my life is on the right course and will be as it should....I pray to God to help me accept that what I do not understand...he did help me turn a corner in my life that I was stuck at so I know why God put him there...Time does heal all things and it has only been a couple of months and I can accept that when you love as deep as we did it will take a bit. I am glad that you are posting on this site..I look forward to hearing your replies.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007):

In a situation like ours, when the one we love changes their decision to stay on with their family, it's called reality check. Sometimes we suddenly realize and remember that we have our spouse and our kids who are already there, no matter how lonely or empty it may be, we go back to reality. How do we move on? Well, we cry a lot, cherish the moments, try our best to resume our everyday life... easier said than done though. We need time to heal the pain. Right now, I'm trying my best to get back to my usual life although it will never be the same as before. Of course there's that hope that we will be with our soul mate again someday, somewhere. But as of now, we really have to continue with our life and move on. As I've said earlier, really easier said than done. And yes, I hope we do become stronger after this.

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A female reader, Crala United States +, writes (10 August 2007):

You know I guess I am lucky to be able to hear his voice..although at times it is just nothing short of torture. I know what really gets me is that he admits that we are soul mates and he imagined that the best part of his life would be spending it with me..but then something happened and I don't what it was that triggered it but he is living his life strictly for his kids and putting his happiness aside... I guess what I am really waiting for is for him to realize that a life without love is no life at all..and to choose happiness. I had told him once that I could never just pick up my life and pack up the kids and move to him..but now after some time and really realizing my feelings and that he is the one and I have known it the moment I met him if he were to ask today I would do it in a heartbeat just to be with him..to grow old with him. I hope yours realizes that one day as well...I could never wish this kind of feeling on anyone..but I hope it makes both of us stronger and if it doesn't work out at least we can say we knew what it felt like. I want to move on i do but my expectations are so high and no one compares to him..how do you move on then?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007):

No Crala, it's not odd. We always hope for the best... meaning we'd like the best for us to feel the wholeness again. That's exactly how I feel. Luckily for you, you're able to talk him everyday. With my situation, well... I don't think he'd like to push through with the relationship even if we feel there's really something between us. Maybe someday if we're really meant for each other, our paths will cross again. In the meantime, there's still this hope inside me. But as I've said before, we have to move on. Everything you said holds true for me as well.

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A female reader, Crala United States +, writes (9 August 2007):

I do believe it is better to have loved and lost..he did teach me a lot. He taught me what love is supposed to feel like..and what feeling whole is all about..that is what I am most scared of that I will never feel that wholeness again. I have to speak daily with this man and everytime I hear his voice he just calms me and I can tell I am doing the same for him. I have a feeling a preminition that I can't shake that its not over between him and me that just right now our paths are not ready to merge..a friend of mine who has a strong intuition about us said just the other day that how great it is that I know how it will end up so that I can help him as he goes through the tough times before our paths will meet..does that sound odd?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007):

As Crala wrote, it's very difficult to move on. You just can't shake off the feeling every time you relive the memories. Sometimes, you just want to shut things off and not think about your times together anymore but you can do so only for a short time. After a while, the memories come back again. A professor of mine once taught me, "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." I always remember that line to sort of ease the pain. But we all have to move on no matter how difficult and how painful. And always remember that at least we can cherish those moments with our soul mate in this lifetime.

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A female reader, Crala United States +, writes (6 August 2007):

Like so many of you have already stated it was comforting to hear others are going through this as well. I meet the man who I would marry tomorrow if he asked over a year ago...we work together but in different states..when we met it was magical and every time since. He really didn't proclaim his love and tell me he felt I was his soul mate until about 6 months ago..at this time we were both married and he helped me realize I couldn't stay married and am now divorced..but he couldn't go through with it ..he is trying to stay for the kids...we did share the most amazing three months together before he called off his divorce...and whenever we talk he can calm me instantly. I love him more than anything and hope he is happy but am having such a hard time moving on and forgetting him...how do you move on? How do you calm the feelings when you are together and accept it can't be..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2007):

What a relief to see the responses of so many others in the same boat! I have been feeling horribly guilty that I, a devout ordained Christian, can't seem to stop thinking about a married man. The connection we have came at our first meeting--it was instant and complete. In the most innocuous social settings, I will look up to find him gazing at me--our eyes get locked on one another and messages pass without a word. I will NEVER cause another to stumble from their vows or cause an occasion for sin, but I can't seem to put him back inside the boundary of "people I like but can hold at an arm's distance."

I am a "mental-health widow" as I call it--divorced because my husband's mental health deteroriated so badly he was unable to distinguish reality (although it was never a very good marriage.)I do date and see other people--I've had people fall in love with me (even some of them married-yuck)but I can't get this guy out of my head. I like his wife, his daughter is "best friend's forever" with mine. It all seems so sweet and innocent except for the many times when we seem to read in each other's eyes such a yearning that cannot be expressed. We think alike, talk alike, have the same sense of humor, even the same stubbornness.

We've tried to talk about it, but its never been effective. It feels perilous to admit too much feeling--I don't think either of us want to end our friendship but neither of us want to cause pain to his family (or mine for that matter--my kids love to see him as a father figure already!)

I've tried distancing--deliberately not being in the same gatherings and he will not come to my house unless others are there. This is not just a lonely woman with a crush--as if I've ever had time to be lonely!)--and it feels like mroe than just a sexual attraction. Its as if we are silently mourning that the person we could each call "the other half" is off-limits. I have prayed, sunk myself into other relationships, been angry at him, made lists of his faults...and still it takes my breath away to see him. Still my heart thumps whenever I spot a car that might be his. What can I do with this? I am asking God to send me wisdom from others.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007):

I don't know what to make of my situation. I was sitting in a lecture at work given by an new associate. Throughout the lecture he spoke about things that really made sense to me on a personal level, things that I believed and just felt to be true. His whole spirit just seemed to resonate with me so much that I remember thinking--I have to get to know him better, I must make him notice me next time--all this took place within 1 hour--it was so instant, I had never experienced something like this before. So next time when he spoke at our meeting, I consciously made a decision to try and get his attention--he was so involved in what he was saying he didn't notice me especially since he had his back turned to the group. So I decided to focus all of my energy on him while watching him, hoping he would notice me. I had almost given up when all of a sudden he turned around and looked right at me for the longest time. When our eyes met, it was unlike anything I have ever felt before, in that instant I felt as if we knew, felt and thought what the other was thinking and feeling, time stood still--I am not kidding. I didn't expect it, it terrified and surprized me. I remember that after the incident I was shaken and amazed that something like that could happen.

At work the next day, I was terrified and yet anticipating seeing him. But my happiness was short lived, I found out he was married, he mentioned his in-laws--but he doesn't wear a wedding ring (if I had seen one I wouldv NEVER tried to get his attention). After he seemed to avoid my eyes, if by chance our eyes met--once I found out he was married I didn't try to get his attention, he became off limits--but when our eyes met the connection was so strong.

But I was determined to ignore my feelings and move on, to do anything else would be wrong. And it would've worked if he hadn't started chasing after me. The more he chased me the more I tried to stay away from him. Besides being around him makes me terrified and I can't speak--my feelings for him are that overwhelming. Anyway when he speaks about his wife--he speaks with admiration and awe, which confuses me--how could he look at me the way he does and yet speak about her that way. Its one of the biggest reasons why I have stayed away from him--he must really love her if he speaks about her that way. Right? If he didn't want to be married to her wouldn't be but he chooses to be. And I refuse to be mistake, a lapse in judgement or a regret that he once had--I am better than that and I deserve better than that. Otherwise I am nice to him when I must come in contact with him but most of the time I stay away from him--what would be the point, he's married (end of discussion), besides how would I ever be able to feel and say I was a truly good person if I had an affair with him--I don't want to end up being hurt and that is exactly what would happen. I am not going through that. Besides how would I ever be able to trust him knowing that if he left her for me (which I doubt, I've read most married men don't which means he just wanted sex and didn't care about me) that he wouldn't turn around and cheat on me. It feels so wrong, all of it, so I have chosen not to "go there." He and I might be alike and we might have a strong connection and attraction to each other but if he was my "soulmate"(i.e. the one) HE WOULDN'T ALREADLY BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. I refuse to believe that God would do that to me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007):

ForGodforlife,

Thank you so much for the spiritual advice. I am not married, but the man that I thought would be my husband recently got married and my heart aches with the pain of knowing that it will never happen. I am in the process of learning, no commanding myself, to trust God to get through this. It is not easy and it is a continuous fight. I realize that because this is so recent it is the hardest time for me but I serve a God that can heal all wounds even self-inflected ones.

BE BLESSED AND CONTINUE TO GIVE GODLY ADVICE.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007):

Hi, I just wanted to say to all the cynics out there you better PRAY that you don't get married and find someone who makes you happier, even more full of life than you ever imagined...or that you don't find your married soulmate because I'm hear to tell you it's not something we can just DECIDE. I, like most of you on this list am in love with a married man. We were each others' first true love and any other boyfriend I've had after him (or ever will have) I KNOW will never compare to him and what he means to me, and he feels the same for me. We've loved each other unconditionally for over a decade and know we always will,no matter what.

We both know we are soul twins, and in the 11 years I've known him we have not had 1 fight, or disagreement,and we never even wanted to break up. The only reason we ever had to leave each other was because we were "Too in-Love" according to his crazy and jeallous mother who told me I was "Taking her baby away" and pretty much banned us from each other. I ended up getting engaged (knowing I would be marrying the wrong guy but just tried to move on)and that was when he tried to move on as well and met his current wife. Back when they were engaged he called it off several times to come back to me but he was still living with his mom and she found out and threatened to kick him out. (Yeah, she really hates me that much just because I love her son) He can't stand his wife (who controls him and tries to change him) but refuses to leave because he's afraid his kids will go through what he did (he was abused by his stepfather) We haven't had an affair and never will, we respect each other to much to do that and I love him so much I don't want to make things harder for him, or myself...and even though he suspects his wife of cheating and I can't stand her, I can't do that to her either. I try to look at it in a positive way because I know I'm blessed that I even know him. But knowing he's spending his life with someone who doesn't treat him right and who will never love him like I do (who doesn't even know who he really is) just keeps me up most nights. It has been said that most soulmates only learn from each other and don't necessesarily end up together in every lifetime...he and I agree that if we don't end up together in this lifetime, we will live together forever in the next one:) My heart goes out to all of you who are going through this, but just know everything happens for a reason...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2007):

Hi,

I broke up with a guy seven years ago. I loved him, he was my soul mate in many ways. I have been with others since but none have managed to capture the intensity of that love. I found out he got married this weekend - I feel as if I am going through the breakup again.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007):

hello all i am so glad to find this site my situation is a little different. I am a newly wed-ish i have been married for 9 months now i am a devout christian,i am a very devout christian. my husband is wonderful and just great in every sense but he is still human and he has these ways that just downright makes me very up set and we fight alot i have prayed about it for sometime and then i met a wonderful gentleman who unlike my husband is a very active christian and is just that missing element in my life and i just feel like a kid with his first straight 'A' report card.i am so attached to him and i daydream about the life we could have and what the children would look like and i told him i loved him and he asked me out but i love my husband and want him too but when i look at him i feel guilty knowing he tries so hard for me mostly but my heart is with another. i can't seem to let any of them go and i was just wondering even though i know it is a sin i want to be happy and the delima is is he my way out of my marriage as i prayed or am i supposed to just be his friend please help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007):

To the female that posted May 10, 2007: I am going through a similar situation as you. I know I found my soulmate, and it feels so 'right' with her, but at the same time it hurts me to hurt my spouse. I know I want to be with her and she feels the same way. I know if I disconnect from her, I will be miserable for she is the one I truly desire in every way. I have found out that in these situations someone always ends up hurt. I can fathom going through my life without her, and continuing where I am. I also don't want to break my spouse's heart. Did you ever get any advice?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007):

I got one. And with a twist most people dont have to deal with. 1987 I was 19 and at a community college and I saw her and I immediatly was smitten. She was smitten as well, but we never got it together, she began to date others as I languished watching this. We lost touch. Never forgot about her for 20 years. Then, on a whim, I decided to do a ussearchdotcom on her, and I found her. Married, living few states away. Ok. Then using her new last name, I searched that on the internet and found a massive family website, with everything on it. Weddingpics, honeymoonpics, videos, etc. No punches pulled for me. Whenever I want to languish and freak out I just go to the site. They update it all the time with new pics. Easter, christmas, etc. I see the life she is living I do not have. Im like a ghost now, wasting away. Fun Times.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007):

My soulmate and I cannot understand why we met only now with our present circumstances. He is married with 2 kids and I am married with also 2 kids. We've met for just 7 months but when we first met, we seemed so familiar to one another. Everything we did together, be it in business or personal matters, just went by smoothly and successfully, as if everything were meant to be. He told me that he couldn't connect with his wife of 20 years and I told him that I feel the same way with my husband. It's really been difficult for us since our families meet often. We can't understand how something so good can be wrong. We both know that there will come a time when we can't prevent ourselves from showing how we feel for one another and we just don't know how things will turn out for our spouses and kids. Every time we're apart, we feel so connected. Having read all the posts here, it's not surprising that there are so many of us in this world in the same situation. Some psychics I've met tell me that we have the opportunity to correct things in this lifetime. It's really a painful process and sometimes we just don't know what to believe in anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007):

I am agonizing over the same thing..I have always looked down on people in this situation, but that has changed since it is now happening to me. I am married with a young child, but I have fallen hard for a coworker. We bonded over problems about a year ago; his relationship ended and I was having issues with my own. I even separated for a short few months. During that time, he and I became very close friends and we were seeing each other. I decided to work things out with my husband and keep the coworker as a close friend, but it has been extremely difficult. I feel like I was meant to be with him, but I do not want to hurt my husband or child. So I am desperately trying to distance myself from the man who I know is my soul mate. It's heartwrenching.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007):

I know exactly how you feel. I am married with 2 children and my husband is a fantastic dad & a good man. However, I have totally fallen in love with someone else (she also happens to be a woman which further complicates things). I know the right thing to do is to stop contact but my connection to her is so incredible & we both feel like we have found our soulmates. We have crossed the line sexually as well which I know is wrong but yet feels so right. The thought of losing contact with her is absolutely killing me & I think I will always carry around the pain that I have lost my true love. The only other option is to cause pain to my gorgeous children, my husband & all our friends & family. Any advice?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007):

I'm hopelessly in love with a married colleague. I'm married as well. The really frustrating thing is that i love my wife too!!!I've been with my wife since we were 16. We have three children ages 23-19. I'm perfectly happy with my wife.....but I crave being with my co-worker. She's sexy, sophisticated, classy, and always there for me at work. I find myself thinking about her constantly. We often trade text messages, chat on the phone and we have lunch together daily. We also share a coffee break every day. I'm really lost, immersed in my mixed up life.....she makes me complete....but I love my wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2007):

I met him on March 28th. I would never, ever look at a married man but truly this started as just laughing and talking and then discovering that it felt like I had met "the one." Except he's not because he's married. Now, my ex-husband cheated on me (we divorced b/c of it) and I know how it feels so there is no way this will develop into an affair. I think about him constantly though, all day, and miss him. I only knew him a short time and perhaps it is just infatuation--but I doubt it. I wouldn't consciously pick a person 19 yrs older than me, not Christian, who lives 3 hours away. This is not loneliness, it is something undescribable but all of those factors/logistics are not important when its the person.

Time goes on though and I've decided to allow myself hope though and that's all. If something were to happen with his marriage (he told me stereotypically that in a year or two he would be divorced) and I'm still available, although I can't see how anyone can compare, I will happily go for it. Until then, you have to do the right thing; nothing.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007):

I have thought about this for a while and I cannot figure

out why I think of this woman all the time (3 years).

We decided not to speak anymore because it was not good for her husband, but I truly believe we were so happy together just talking. Everyday there is a thought of her

..of that happiness I once had. Those moments cannot be forgotten, and I'd do anything to get them back - and this

is causing me heartache, because I know to break up a marriage would make me evil.

Is true love to "let her go" ?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2007):

How have all you past relationships been like? Do you have a history of chasing after the emotionally unavailable woman? Desiring ones that present a challenge or that seems to have to many hurdles, problems? How about wanting a woman you just can't seem to have?

I would have to say you do.

This woman represents something and someone to you from your past and so..the whole turmoil, angst, and pain, and suffering she elicits...if familar to you. This pain and suffering is what you are used to and not so much...this woman is the one you want and need to live happily ever after.

Do you have any addictions? Did mom or Dad suffer any addictions? Was one or both of your parents physically unavailable or emotionally unavailable? Maybe Dad watched sports so much that he seemed obsessive and therefore sports was his life that he didn't have time for you? Maybe Mom was very cold and unaffectionate.

I say there is more going on here than what you present and more than what you seem to think.

I say married woman isn't even an option of a possible partner-she isn't because she is someone else's partner.

Stay away and maybe do some internalizing and get some counselling.

Best Wishes.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2007):

Just another example you are not alone. It's a horrible feeling and I don't know what to do. Life isn't perfect, and try not to wreck any children's lives. I hope, and she has dropped some hints, that maybe something will happen in ten years or so. One day at a time. We talk all the time and part of me wants to stop, and part of me can't bear the thought of stopping. Hang in there, keep busy with other things.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2007):

Reading these posts has been such a great comfort to me. Many times I've wondered if there were others going through what I am, and now I'm amazed at just how many are. Like most of you, I know firsthand the agony of not being able to be with my soulmate. I'm married, he's not anymore. We've known each other for what seems like decades, close to two decades actually. I have a chemistry with him that I've never had with any other man in my life. The only thing that's keeping me from losing my sanity is that we have a wonderful friendship which we place above anything else that we may feel or desire in each other. We vowed to love each other forever, and maybe when forever begins, our love will finally be fulfilled. To the critics, you're entitled to judge us and express your opinions. But you better pray that you will never find a love like what the rest of us have found. You better pray that you will never experience what it means to love another person from the depths of your soul. You better pray that true love never finds you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007):

To the anonymous female reader from September 27th. Thank you so much! From the anonymous reader posting his on September 23rd. You're saying that "love is God.So if you really do love her how can it be that bad?" consoles me and comforts me. She and I are still connected. Still married to our spouses. I pray our friendship continues endlessly. It's wonderful. To each and every one of you, you are not alone. Take care.

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A female reader, Grlnxdor35 +, writes (7 March 2007):

No you are not crazy. Many people, more than I would have thought, have had or are having (i don't think it ever ends) this experience. Mine has been for over two years now. I wish I could tell you that it gets better. The pain and intensity does lessen but it never goes away. I also wish I could give you an answer because then that would mean I had been able to find one for myself. I understand your feelings on not being able to pursue something as well. I am not one that ever would have imagined myself covetting someone elses husband...but I have. I have also stopped myself from doing anything about it. I have also gotten messages to the effect that he is mine. But when you can't talk to them and hold them it is little comfort. I am still not sure what purpose this connection is supposed to serve. Sometimes it feels like a test of how much pain I am able to take. I wish you well...that is all I can offer...and the knowledge that there are other people dealing with the same thing...which I find overwhelmingly sad. If you want to talk feel free to email me.

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A female reader, triniwoman Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (4 March 2007):

I cannot believe that there are people out there who are feeling how I have been feeling for about 2 months now! These past 2 months of knowing my soul mate have been torture! My soul mate is married too, with a son. The thing is his son is three weeks younger than my daughter and my daughter will be 6 months this month.

I met my soulmate just before I went on maternity leave to have my daughter. I felt a strange connection to him. When I came back out to work I felt this connection growing stronger and I was unsure what it was. I finally got the nerve to talk to him about it and he said that he found I was very attractive etc. I was relieved at first to find out that he was married as my daughter's father and I decided to remain good friends for the sake of the baby. I knew that this would not be a good time to have a relationship. However, the more I fought my connection/attraction to him because I found out that he was married, the stronger it grew. I felt better when we spoke as I felt a peace when speaking to him. He was very willing to pursue a relationship but I told him no because he is married. I had a short relationship with a married man before and that didn't go so well but I feel now that it prepared me to deal with this, if not I would have gone out with him already.

I told him that if he was ever single again that I would be very very willing to go out with him and that I don't want to have a fling with him becasue I know what we could have would be so good. He asked me out again and I turned him down. He said that he would stay away from me because he can't help himself but that is making things worse. I cannot focus on my work, I feel terrible because it's like I need to see him all the time. I feel guilty when I think about us being together because I think I am covetting someone's husband. The funny thing is that I am a praying person and that when I prayed that I don't want someone else's husband, I was told that he is my husband, not was or could be, is my husband. I was also told that we would have a child together! Well, now I thought I had some kind of mental illness, because honey, I am a rational, logical person, why would I say such a thing?

The bad thing is that seeing him everyday intensifies my feelings. Just yesterday I realised that I have fallen in love with him which makes me feel even worse. However, the weird thing is that I can always tell him yes, that I want to see him outside the office but something tells me, no, just wait and see. Is this crazy or what?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2007):

I'm Married and I am in love with someone else I have three kids and dont want to rip up their lives . But on the other hand I not happy with the Man I married ,we have nothing incommon no real connection I was young when I Married him So is it bad to want to end the marriage to be with some one that makes me happy ? No I dont like so I really dont have it figured out yet . But if your not happy with the one your with and you dont try to be happy with the soulmate you've found then you will resent the unfortuned one you Married

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007):

Oh i know how you feel i am crying right now because i feel that no one truly cares about me and that i lose my soul mate to someone she didn't need to be with and i'm dying inside to be with her so bad i can't stand not to cry i sing Ashley i can't stop loving you and if i don't get to i cry everyday hoping you'll call and i never hear her voice at all oh somebody tell me why she had to let me feel this way and cry?Like the song "The Cards" in it says these cards that used to touch me just keep tearing me apart and my poor heart don't want to be dealt the hand it's been dealt.I'm still searching for a clue how the cards are on the table and he's holding you?I cry and cry then when i take my mind off her i see her picture and i feel like she's got a hold on me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007):

I met my soulmate 13 years ago... He is married, 2 children and living far away from me, I am divorced, two children and in a safe companionable relationship. I thought my situation was unusual until I read this website. He will stay in his marriage and I will never marry again, and we will love each other in a deep and soulful way forever. We see each other about 2-3 times a year now and we no matter how many years have gone by, the feelings and the connection remain the same. I feel more alive and joyful in his presence than at any other time. We understand each other, care and pray for each other with a love that seems to transcend time and space. Yet the pain of not being together in a tradition sense if very difficult sometimes. Thanks for listening...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007):

I am so relieved to hear that there is someone who can relate. I grew up with my male best friend - he was my first kiss. We have always shared the same interests. Our families did everything together & our Moms are still best friends to this day. We tried dating one summer when we were older & it was a strange feeling. Now I've been married for 2 years and he randomly shows up in my dreams more & more often. I find myself thinking about him all the time and fantasizing about this fake relationship I have with him. I go to this fake relationship when things are down with my husband & I(he is clinically depressed & likes to bring me down with him) & it always cheers me up. My fantasy man has told me that he still isn't dating anyone & won't because he is in love with me. My husband & I are so opposite, live in a different state than my family & don't like to do the same things. We just had a baby, so the thought of hurting my family isn't worth my happiness. I am not miserable - my child is the best thing that has ever happened to me - but I am convinced I can be happier. Everything in my life now feels like it doesn't fit me - like I'm living another person's life. Back in my home state with my own family & my fantasy man would make me happier than ever. What a good, but bad feeling!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006):

I wish I knew the person who posted just previously to me. I would love to have someone to talk to about this situation. Your situation sounds so close to mine that it's scary.

I love this man with my entire soul. We connect on a level that I have not ever connected with anyone before. He is married for 6 years with 3 children....two of the children from a previous marriage. So, he has experience with marriage gone bad. I have been married for 17 years and have one child. I love my husband but it's no comparison to what I have with my soul mate. We knew each other intimately the first time we looked into each others eyes.

I need to talk to someone about this who won't judge me for feeling this way. Someone who is going through it too. Someone who understands that I can't hurt my husband because this isn't his fault. But also understands that this pain that I feel because I can't be with my soul mate is nothing compared to never feeling this love.

I wouldn't trade KNOWING he's out there for the world.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006):

Dear agony group, its very comforting to know that others are in the same situation as me, however I truy wish for all of you to find a way of being with yor soul mates.

I met my 'soul mate' a year ago. We are both married with children of the same sex and roughly the same ages.When I first met him there was a very warm connection and I really liked him. With time this feeling has continued to grow - our two families see each other regulary at a weekly event.

Whenever we talk there's a sense that he'e not only listening but really understanding me and that we are seeing deep into each other's souls. He expresses himself in similar ways to me, we seem to have similar ways of doing things and are on the same wavelength. Its really uncanny. When I'm around him I feel incredibly happy, my perceptions are heightened,I fee like I've known him all my life.

I've tried not to meet him or to talk mysef ot of these feeings when I'm around him. I worked for a ittle while, but then when my guard was down these feelings took over again. I've had difficlty sleeping now for a whoe week, I vascillate between being incrediby happy, feeing intensely alive and being miserable.

My marriage has problems, but my husband is a good man and we have a deep affection for each other. One of the problem is he suffers from chronic depression (getting proper psychiatricc treatment, still not working)and the other is that even when he is not depressed he has difficuty connecting on level that is satisfying for me. There are times when we connect, but they don't last.He is very self engrossed in his own misery. I feel for him, but the emptiness that is inside of him at these times makes it so hard for me.

I often find myself feeing like I am single, or become swamped in his emotiona and spiritual emptiness and feel I'm sinking and dying. He is not often romantic and I have found myself trying to kill this aspect of myself. Yet he is a good commited father and a good friend. However he is not my soul mate. Some of our values are the same but others ar completey different.

My soul mate is also in an unhappy marriage but I think his situation is worse than mine. His wife often puts him down, commands him to do things, making irritable remarks.

He seems top provide most of the love nd nurturing for the children and I know he is deepy commited to them.

I don't know what to do. I used to believe that happiness comes from within and that with love and understanding I could be very fulfilled despite these difficties.

However when I'm around 'him' I fee like the connection is so special that I must nurture this reationship. when I'm arond him I fee a "we" to an extent tht I have never felt with my husband.

I have fantasised so many times about the differenet ways in which we could share a life together without hurting the other people involved.Yet I hate the idea of disrpting my current family or hrting my husband and children.

To make matter more complicate I feel my so mate and I were destined to have a child together, and the name of this child has been emotionally significant for me before the birth of my wonderul children. I conslted a psychic ( I ws desperate! and she confirmed that this is wht ies in the future. I don't believe in destiny, but that it may may one of the possibiities of the future. Perhaps it is also important to consider the feelings of the unborn....

Its funny you can think you've got life all worked out and then suddenly life throws you wonderful opportunity that

is so special and yet so potentially damaging, and so potentially filled with possibe growth and ife force that its like being born again.

I hope you all understand what I'm talking about. I guess the answer must lie in loving and empathising with all the peope involved and that does also include loving yourself and allowing yourself the opportnity to love deeply as never before.

Love and kindness to all...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006):

Well, I can understand you perfectly. I have met my twin soul by accident. We live literally thousands of miles apart. But from the very beginning there was something so strong and powerful between us, that it was simply impossible to not to keep in touch. Even the first contact and the chain of events leading to that momenent, was really peculiar and magical. It is like the whole purpose of those events was to get us together. We are both members of the same family, but did not know about each other until about an year ago. He says I am his best friend and twin soul as he is to me. The problem is that we will meet again next summer and I am afraid what will happen. We connect in the levels and dimensions that are not only earthly, so that makes it even more difficult. I have deep and strong feelings for him and he has for me, no doubt about that.When we are apart, so that communication is impossible, it makes us miss each other bottomlessly. We both have families of our own and good marriages. I cannot understand any of this and how this could have happend to me, who is so reasonable and totally committed to someone else. The situation is really terrible and wonderful at the same time.

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A male reader, wagshox +, writes (25 November 2006):

To the anonymous reader "I was married with two children when I met my "soul mate". I'm the guy who posted right before you by the way not the original poster.

Good job on not giving up. I really see where your coming from. I don't want to mess up my married by trying anything while I'm still married and my married is tolerable like you were saying.

Currently, I went about a month of not talking to her and she was off my mind a bit, but I just talked to her on Thanksgiving and its all coming back again. I've been trying to concentrate on my current marrige and I'm about to buy a house and move away from her I guess partly to avoid the whole thing. I really don't want to regret not seeing if she's really "the one" which my heart tells me she is. I know she's going to be in my life one way or the other because she's becoming good friends with my sister.

I'd really like to talk more with someone who's been through this. Please email me if you can [email address blocked]

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2006):

I was married with two children when I met my "soul mate". She was also married with three children. We were both in a tolerable marriage. But we had magic when we looked into each others eyes. We kept a friendship for over 5 years. We never crossed that line of sex. When my youngest child was 18, my wife and I parted ways. She also left her husband. Within 12 months we were married. That was 20 years ago. I am now 68, and can say that every day of the past 20 years I have been blessed with a incredible life with the woman of my dreams. We can still cry tears of joy when we look into each others eyes. Soul mates do exist. If I stayed in my old marriage, I would have died knowing that I missed out on the love of my life.

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A male reader, wagshox +, writes (8 October 2006):

So I'm the married one in my story. I haven't considered her my "soulmate" but after reading through all the posts this is exactly what I'm feeling for her and its been driving me absoulutely insane, I just love it and hate it at the same time. She's running through my mind all day and I've been trying everthing to curb it. It also doesn't help that she lives directly opposite my apt where I can see her room everytime I look out my window or go to my garage, talk about about coincidence.

So we first met when my sister spotted her in front of her apt with her dog. I happen to have the same breed of dog and also both our dogs were research dogs, scary! I also am one of those people who treat their dog like they're own child and she does too.

When I got home a little bit later my sister decided to suprise me by taking me over to her place so our dogs could play. I had no clue where we were going, when she opened the door I saw her dog and was like cool. I then looked up at her, our eyes met and knew something special was there. We talked for a little bit and found we had a ton in common. My sister told me later she thought that we got along almost too well.

I really started having feelings for her when we ended up taking long walks near the beach just her and myself and the dogs in the late evening, that's just where I usually go, did not set it up as romantic as it sounds. Before I would usually walk my dog alone since my wife avoids it, so it was really nice to share that with someone and have someone to talk to. So the more talking we did the more the feelings would grow and I really wanted to pay her some compliments but I held back.

Niether of us has crossed the line, but I'm pretty sure she's feeling something too just by the way we end up looking at each other on the drive home after the walk. Just recently she's been not answering my calls, but she'll still contact my sister. Sounds like she wants a little distance as I was thinking the same thing, but its totally killing me inside not being able to see her.

The timing of her appearing in my life is uncanny as well. My wife and I are planning on buying a house this year and we've been having issues on wanting kids. I do and she's leaning on not wanting them now. The new girl seems like she'd make a great mom as well so she almost fills in that question mark in my life.

I know I should handle my marriage situation first but i've never felt so connected with someone the way I've been feeling for her. Hopefully the feelings die a bit as its hard to concentrate on anything I do these days. I still do love my wife, but the vibes are so strong with this new girl I really don't know what to do.

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A female reader, forgodforlife +, writes (3 October 2006):

Speaking from experience... if they are truely your soul mate they would not be married to someone else. A soul mate is someone God has predestined you to be with. I can explain exactly what has happened and why these feelings are so strong they consume and control you making you feel addicted to the person. Let me start by saying it is because you followed the instincts of your own heart. You can not trust your own heart, your heart is driven by your flesh/sin nature. If you follow your own nature you are not in fellowship with God. And you will constantly be chasing that carrot on a stick. Your sin nature will keep urging you to be with this person. That there can be no happpiness inlife without this person. You cant live without this person etc.. The fact is you are a prisoner to your own heart, not the othrer person.. You are following your needs and desires. Stop for a minute. That is not why we are here and that is NOT how we are supposed to live. God crreates us for a purpose his. He create us for relationships. We have that need in us. He did not give Adam a women married to someone else. He gave him a women of his own. He does not bless us, when we break the 8th commandment to follow our flesh.. That is why we are on our own in this sea of pain. It is NOT BLESSED. You can choose to continue to follow your own heart and live a life in pain, or you can do the one thing that will change yor life and eternal destiny! YOu can ask God into your heart..ask him to be your Lord and Savior! Ask him to take control of your life. When you have made that choice.. ask to follow God's heart not yours. He will bless you! If you are in a marriage. Turn away from yor lover an dthe pain, ask God to bless your marriage and COMMIT to your marriage~!! If yo ucommit to the spouse God intended you to be with.. he will bless you.. He will give you all the love your heart has made you think you found in this other person! Trust in him! For where your heart is, there your treasure shall be also!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006):

I to know about this, I am in love with someone married.Except I am also married. My life is crazy now that this has happened.wish I had a good answer for you but,I don't.Just wanted you to know someone else is dealing with this to. Somehow it makes me feel better to know this, maybe it will you to. Just think about what I tell myself,love is God.So if you really do love her how can it be that bad?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2006):

I completely understand what you are going through. I am in a similar situation, but the difference is, I'm the married one. I met a man 8 years a go, we lived a few hours apart from each other, but constantly stayed in contact. For as long as I've known him, he's been my crying shoulder, my best friend, and I've been in love with him, only for most of the time, it was hidden. It's only been recently that I realized I was madly in love with him, and I'm confident he feels the same way for me. I'm married to a man I met only 3 and a half years a go, and he is a wonderful man. But, I don't feel the same connection as I do for the other man. It's hard, but in time, nature will take its course and decide for you what is right, as it will with me. Good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2006):

To the anonymous reader of July 9th. Am there, doing that. We are each married to someone else. But for me our friendship is 4 months young. I too will learn to cope and pray the friendship lasts forever. Haven't earned my tee shirt though. The last time she and I talked I gave her a hug and she lay her head on my shoulder, jeeze that "said" quite a bit to me. Over the months I've seen these subtle things coming from her that keep me believing she feels the same way I do. The phrase "actions speak much louder than words" come to my mind here. I feel like she too wants to continue the friendship as she'd told me to stop by and see her now and then. For whatever reason and to whatever degree she wants me to stay in her life I plan to do just that. I hope to help "kiddo" in her life, to help her marriage to her husband, to help her in her career, to listen when she needs to talk, whatever she needs. I'm putting my faith in God above. It's all too new to me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006):

I fell for my Fiancees work collegue/friend a few months ago. I was arranging my wedding and he used to come over and talk to me about this and that. Nothing bad or out of the ordinary, just paying me compliments but more to the point really listening to me. Anyway, I put it to the back of my mind and got married and was very happy. Its been 2 months since I became a Mrs and now my feelings have returned for this guy with a vengence. Anyway, he is not married but has a partner of 14ish years with 5 children. I told him recently that I like him and he said he felt the same way and maybe in another lifetime we would be together. He said he cannot get me out of his head (unsure if he was joking) and now I feel the same. I would never leave my husband or hurt him but I cannot help the way I feel. I know that in 6 months time I will look back and think I was silly so really the only answer is time. Time is a great healer and you will get over it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006):

I can soooo relate you you! I too have recently found my soulmate, but the problem is he is married and so am I. We are PERFECT for one another. We have a very deep connection, tons of passion and we mirroe one another. I wish I know what to do! I am sorry If I did not answer your question here, but wanted you yo know I can relate.

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2006):

DrPsych agony auntThere are lots of situations that we find ourselves in that are out of our control. If you had a magic wand then maybe this lady wouldn't be married...but the marriage is a fact unfortunately. The only way to get over this is to distract yourself and focus on those aspects of your life that you can control. You should also try to find someone with similar qualities to this lady who happens to be single but all in good time. You also have to realise that even if you did tell her how you feel and she was feeling the same way, it might not even work out in the end. As you will know if you read this board, many people enter into tricky relationships ('love triangles') only to worry about their partner cheating later on because that person has left someone else to be with them. The nagging doubts start to creep in at some stage so while this lady may seem 'ideal' at the moment, you cannot tell what the future would have held even if it had worked out. You have to stay away from this person as much as possible, distract yourself with other pursuits and keep busy. You will never get over this one-sided love affair if you give yourself plenty of opportunity to ride those emotions by thinking things over and over and over.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006):

I am glad, in a way, to see others are having the same problem as me. The man I believe is my soulmate is also married, for about 11-12 years now, and lives in a different state. Prior to his marriage, he often told me he would marry me one day. We have an awesome connection. During much of this time, I have been very sad at the fact that he's married. We have both expressed interest in one another via email, but nothing more. The only thing I can tell myself is that he CHOOSES to stay married. He chooses her, not me. So, I have to move on - there really is no choice other than to stay in a state of nothingness. I am currently engaged and not so sure about the engagement. I hate the fact that I still love the married man/my soulmate while being engaged to another. It makes me wonder: shouldn't I be with someone who will make me forget all about my "soulmate"? There must be someone else God intends for me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2006):

been there, done that, and got the tea shirt, its 12 yrs now

and the feelings have never left, we are good friends in love with each other, but with our own wife/husband and children how could we destroy their lives. We have learnt to cope with the pain and get on with life, yes it hurts but not all the time. Learn to cope, its what humans do best and you'll grow stronger from it.

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A male reader, Poteidaia +, writes (7 July 2006):

Poteidaia is verified as being by the original poster of the question

WOW!!

I've been real busy at work recently and I've just finished reading the latest posts.

Thanks again to those who posted.

Wild Thaing, I really loved your post! You're right about the 'soul-mate' misrepresentation, i just couldn't think of a better term at the time. Also, I'd never thought of telling 'her' that I felt we had a connection without telling her I love her. I'll be giving your idea some serious consideration...!

Since I originally asked, way back in October '05, my life has steadilly improved. I'm getting out more, I'm having loads more happy days, and where I'm not exactly jumping out of bed in the morning looking forward to a new day, I'm no longer pulling the quilt over my head and wishing I were dead!!! My friends and close colleagues have commented that I'm getting back to normal, although I hadn't told them that I was down. I've even become close friends with a woman who works in the same office, with whom I'm sharing my feelings and helping her through a bad patch.

All in all, thinks are looking up!!

Thanks! Poteidaia.

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (7 July 2006):

Wild Thaing agony auntTo the original poster - I just read your April 24 follow up.

The term "soul mate" is so charged, and so incorrectly applied here.

I have a few very close relationships that are the foundation upon which my life is built. What is common among these relationships is the reciprocal sense of connection I have with each person. These are my kindred spirits, the people who walk with me in my life.

For some reason, our society has co-opted the term "soul mate" and given it romantic connotations; furthermore there is this silly notion that among the billions that walk God's green earth, there is only one soul mate for you. How ridiculous! We can thank Hallmark for that misrepresentation.

A friend of mine directed me away from the term "soul mate" and towards the term "kindred spirit". This term allows me to see that while I have a romantic relationship with just one of my kindred spirits, I have loving relationships with all of them. And I have told most of them that I love them - the rest I will be telling shortly.

Poteidaia, if you are convinced this person that is your obsession is a kindred spirit, then you should tell her as much. It is less risky than confessing your undying love for her, and it will give you some idea about where you stand with her. I would avoid using the term soul mate, based on what I have seen here.

Good luck and take care.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006):

Yes, sounds familiar. Mine is married too although I am also but my relationship was abusive. This is so hurtful. It seems that everything I say to help him is actually building him up to keep him away from me. I feel a little panicky too because I know he is mine. I can feel it. We looked into each others eyes across a room, and he started running. I fell in love IN his eyes. I have been thinking about him every day since October and as you said the concentration is nil. but I have to concentrate now I HAVE LOST my jobs. Anyway the word soulmate came to me when I was thinking about him one night and when I went to work to have my TB test read one of my coworkers was talking about a soulmate. How uncanny is that???

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A female reader, Trish +, writes (3 July 2006):

Hi everyone:

I am in love with my married boss. I think of him 24X7. He lives 300 miles away, and we see each other maybe one time a month, I am in sales.

I was not that attracted at first, I am usually attracted to tall, dark, & handsome types...I have been living with my boyfriend 12 years. This guy is well...boyish and charming. We just have had great conversations, we stare in each others eyes the longest of times...I feel a connection to him that I have never felt before...my heart pounds so hard when I see him, I can't even breathe.

This is wild!

He is married with 2 kids. HE flirts alot with me, but avoids being alone with me. He never visits me here for sales calls, and he does the other reps...a year ago he did offer me his hotel room key when we were out of town, but he was not going to be in the room...had a meeting...odd..

HE calls me the sweetest things ...like sunshine..he does not seem happy in his marriage although he says he is. He said they do not have ever have fun since they are running the kids around. I told him his wife was lucky, and he said he does not try hard enough..I don't know. This is so bad, but I want him bad. I wish I could get him off my mind...I have tried. He winks and flirts with me when I see him, and does not stop..I wish he would talk to me and tell me how he feels...

Help!!

Trish

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2006):

I'm in the same situation, finding it hard to get through each day without thinking of the guy who I feel so much for. I have had a friendship with him for 5 years and suddenly 4 months ago it changed to intense feelings. I am married, he is married and we haven't done anything and I even try to avoid him. I can't and won't leave my husband and children but wonder if the strong feelings will subside, I really hope so. I have never told the man in question how I feel but I feel like I would wait for 100 years to be with him. Time helps. I have actually told my husband about it as I felt so guilty and I have never felt this way before. My husband is cool about it as he thinks it will settle down and I definitely won't leave my husband. I feel torn into pieces!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006):

Dude, The reason you can't eat or sleep is because this is an OBSESSION! This woman is married. She took a vow. Would you really want to be with her if you became romantically involved and she betrayed her husband to be with you. You can't build a grounded relationship based on infidelity and you are being very naive to think that. You want her because you can't have her, she is the forbidden fruit and I'm sure she has picked up on your attraction! If she was your soulmate, you would not have to post this question to the universe. You would not be searching for answers because it would be obvious to BOTH of you. There is no way she is your soulmate.

I'm not trying to be insensitive. You are obviously a romantic but you have to temper that with reality. Like you, I have been in a similar situation.

You are suffering. Do yourself a favor. Figure out why. There is a reason. Come back down to earth and accept the situation for what it is. Find some way to get closure and do whatever you have to do to put some distance between you and this person.

Think about what you really want in your soulmate and be totally honest with yourself. Write it down. And if you are spiritual, pray about it. Then, begin developing those qualities in yourself. Your soul mate will come and it will be so much better than anything you have ever experienced. And when it is right, both of you will know it and you won't have to ask these questions. I read once that if you want to find "the one", first you have to be the one. And I firmly believe that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2006):

I married my soul mate. He and I met while I was preparing to separate from my first husband. We knew immediately we were supposed to be together. I recognized him from my dreams. Our star charts are nearly identical, like someone had pulled us apart (astrologically speaking) and we fit like the grooves of a key in it's lock.

He waited for me to figure out what I wanted to do and he didn't interfere or attempt to persuade with my decisions. We both had to make tremendous, painful sacrifices to be together, but we did what was needed.

That's all just the beginning. Being married to your soul mate is SO much harder than anything. It's a constant challenge to keep talking, working things out. Why so hard? Remember that personal growth thing? Your soul mate is one who will bring the greatest growth to your life. Sometimes growth is painful.

There's one more thing to consider. My mate and I have been together for over 8 years. Last year we were involuntarily separated from each other and that separation was so painful and difficult for me that it broke my heart. He hasn't been the same either since he's been back. We've been back together for over a year, but it's like some kind of spiritual contract was broken, and we're both very unhappy.

Perhaps this phase of growth and change is over and this is the universe's way of saying it's time to move on. Or maybe this is just a test of my dedication to this difficult man. Either way, my point is that, just as with a normal love affair, the passion and delight you feel for your soul mate now is not necessarily guanteed.

Consider your level of dedication and willingness to sacrifice before you delve into the fray, especially with a married person, as those sacrifices may be considerable.

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A female reader, Grlnxdor35 +, writes (2 June 2006):

There is a twin soul website that has been very helpful and enlightening to me and I thought I would list it here for those who want to take a look.

http://p202.ezboard.com/btwinsoulsandsoulmates

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006):

Yes, I feel your pain. My soul mate is married. This was not love at first sight. i was thinking about him one night after I had wrote him a few letters saying that I was his secret admirer. The word soul mate came to me while I was thinking about him. Anyway fate had it that we met in the cafeteria shortly after I told him that I was his secret admirer, and our eyes met, and he has been avoiding me ever since. I had been writing to him, and he read my letters. I am guessing they calmed him in some way and as I remember back sending him those letters calmed me too. All I know is a few weeks after he started avoiding me because he is married, I thought about how his eyes looked at me and it took my breath away. My libido had been gone for 14 years and it is back like a lion. All he did was walk around and do his job and act pleasant until that day when I saw him in the cafe, and we both looked into each other's eyes. I have not been the same since. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. I get so wet for him. No other man has done this for me in the past. Mind you that when I first wrote him I wanted two cups of hot chocolate and some interesting conversation. I think he liked me too but his mother has told him that I am a whore and he puts his head down when he sees me, because he does not want to look at me and it is in the bible that a chaste married man should never look into another female's eyes for it would lead to adultery. I had a passion flush one day at work, of course he was nto there he only works weekends. I believe he was communicating to me that he wanted me to and I could feel it. But right now he does not want to talk to me at all. He told me to stop calling him. I can let him go but it is very hard. the lord knows what I have been through in my abusive relationship with my husband that I finally left, and he knows that I have genuine feelings for this man. Feelings that came first befoe the BED. I know he is my soul mate but I do not want to make him so he cannot do his jobs. He is married and I am trying to respect his marriage. They say men think linear. Whatever is today is today, woman think cyclical. the only thing I can do now is send him a letter with a flower properly introducing myself and hopefully he is probably still thinking about me. I asked God why did he have me to meet this guy if I cannot have him. It is cruel really. He has a 1 year old son and a daughter whom he loves dearly. Enough to even let his soul mate go because he does not believe he is it. I hve not met anyone else. I know it is him because a lady bug came to me three times when I was trying to finish my story that I have written half fact and fiction. I know it is him. they say that the person's soul draws you to them, and that is exactly what happened. I told him he is very strong and it seems like he is using that against me. He saw something in my eyes or felt something iin his heart and I wish he would tell me what it is, or if it really was nothing I will let this go. He claims it was nothing but if so why did he start avoiding me????

I guess something like this would really be painful for someone to go through but I am in pain too feeling this wayh about someone I cannot have.

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A male reader, Poteidaia +, writes (24 April 2006):

Poteidaia is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks again to those of you who felt you could share your experiences.

Since starting this thread, way back in October last year, I've had the privilege to hear lots of different experiences.

I know there are more of you out there, and I'd love to hear your points of view.

My soul mate and I are still plodding along so to speak. I still think she's unaware about how I feel. Long may it continue!

We seem to be heading in the direction of becoming friends, not spending time together outside work yet, except team nights out, but I’m hopeful that we can be more than just work colleagues.

15 months down the line and things are getting a little easier. People around me have noticed that I have more happy days than I was having before. I actually took my soul mate for a coffee in town during lunch today, (24/04), and was able to converse freely for almost an hour!! A vast improvement!!

So, on the bright side, it seems my old laid back, happy go lucky personality is starting to come back to the surface. If or when it finally does, I hope my soul mate will be able to see the real me. Until then I’ll just have to grin and bear it!

Thanks again to those who made the time to share, I raise a glass to you all, in good cheer, for the better times that lay ahead!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006):

I am so happy I found this thread, I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man and was convinced he was the one, we recently moved out of state and upon moving into our new house I felt a curious sensation that this was where I was supposed to be and that something was about to happen, I felt it in my bones. I needed to get tattoo work done and had held of for ten years...did not know why i felt i had to wait but i did. but upon doing a search in my local area I came across someone whose work i was drawn too. it was overwhelming, i am an artist so there needed to be a good connection. but this was something else. i booked in an appointment and the day came for us to meet. when I walked into the shop the feeling of comfort was overwhelming, peaceful. Then this person appears, a man, as he came into the room the world slowed down, our eyes met, a light filled our space..i felt i had waited thru time for this person. I have never felt this way before. I am a rational person but a voice a feeling told me he was "the one". it is an undeniable feeling and now i know what meeting a soulmate is truly like. we talked for hours, finishing each other sentences, sharing thoughts and ideas. it was as if the world faded away. I left and since that day this man has filled my every thought, every cell in my body cries out to be near him. we have met up a few times and he has told me how he wishes there was a third dimension we could go so no-one gets hurt and we can be truly together. he is married with no kids.so we are both in committed relationships. The pain I am suffering is daily because I know he is for me and I for him, we talk about it and have tried to understand it together. he says we are blessed that we have met and that it is for a reason. but it is so hard, every day is a struggle and I understand the pain you speak of. I do not think it will go away only that you must have patience and respect those you are with. you may come together in this life or you may not. but how do you go thru life denying the one thing you feel, it changes everything because it is so pure. nothing compares to being around this special person, and i hope that you find peace. we are here suffering along side you. you are not alone...hang in there

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2006):

I understand your predicament. A lot of mysteries come to our life. But, no matter how crucial it maybe, we really have to make a stand. If you want to lead a happy life, genuine and authentic, just DO GOOD. Loving a married woman is not good enough. Set yourself free from the bondage of immorality. You can find real joy with someone who is free and uncommitted. Take your time. Don't rush. Never break somebody's heart. Let go and you'll be able to meet somebody else who is free and will reciprocate with you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2006):

I am so glad to have found this post. It at least makes me feel a bit better to read other messages that echo my own thoughts. To be honest, I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. I feel for everyone who has posted here. And I am angry to have to experience it. When I met Mr. X it was as if I had been hit by a bolt of lightning. I have NEVER reacted this way to a man before. NEVER. I am thirty-five. I have an unusual first name and have never met anyone who has the same name as I do. The first time we met he promptly told me that his best friend’s sister had the same first name. Coincidence #1. There have been many, many more coincidences. There was an instant connection and comfort. I am a person who can with a polite demeanor keep others at an emotional distance. This man was able to read my mind practically and I his. It was incredible to me because I have never had an experience like this before with a male. The closest thing I can compare it to is the relationship I have with a good girlfriend I have known for over thirteen years. She can read me very well after more than a dozen years. The vibe was so strong he made a comment on it to me saying that we seemed to be on the same wavelength. After I would be away from him I would convince myself that I had made it all up in my mind. Then I would see him again and something else would happen. This happened again and again. Of course, he is married with two kids. Probably to a saint of a woman. I have never wanted a married man before in my life. I am a moral and ethical person. Before this even the idea of thinking about a married man was repulsive. To me married men were the equivalent of girls. I know those of you who have or are going through the same thing understand the pure agony of this. I have not felt this bad after breaking up with men that I actually went out with for a decent amount of time. It is like every cell in my body is screaming out. What I am angry about is why would God (Buddha, Muhammad, whoever) show me this man? If I cannot have him in my life then why show him to me? Am I being punished? When I met him I was at a point in my life where I had decided to become a single mother by choice via a sperm bank. I made this choice rationally and had peace in my heart with it. You’ve all heard the phrase that you’ll fall in love when you aren’t looking for it. Well, I don’t know how much more a person can give up looking for love than to decide to pursue single parenthood. So here I had totally given up and moved on with my life and then whammo here is this connection like something you only read about in books. It is funny when I was younger I imagined finding a partner where we had this great emotional connection. I guess I read too many romance novels as a teen. As I grew older I realized that this was an idealized notion. I saw couples that had good marriages where they did not have this deep connection and realized that this must be good enough. By my mid to late twenties I would have laughed at anyone who would have tried to make me believe in the existence of soulmates. I would have lumped it into the category with the Easter Bunny and love at first sight. In fact, if you asked me the day before I had met Mr. X about the possibility of soulmates I would have done my best to convince you that you should not believe in such romantic drivel. Talk about becoming an instant convert. It is the closest thing to a religious experience as I have ever had. You can’t possibly know what it is like until you experience it. It is the most incredible feeling in the world – your own personal miracle. And unless you are like me you also can’t know what it is like to realize that the person is married and you will never get to experience life with them. It is the most terrible thing in the world. And ultimately, this is why I came to the conclusion that I had to eliminate any possibility of being around this person. There is no solution to this problem. When I am around him it is a truly unique experience because I am in heaven and hell at the exact same time. I mentioned coincidences and one of the most recent happened as I was trying to get this man out of my mind. I was given a book by a friend titled, How we Met. It tells short stories of couples and how they got together. This book sat on a shelf for the past nine months. I picked it up and got into the tub for a hot bath. I flipped through the book and read a story here and a story there. They were cute but not earth shattering. I was about to put it down when I thought I would read just one more. I flipped to one and read a story about a woman who saw a man on a bus and felt an instant connection to him. The man got off the bus and the woman felt bad because she had this feeling like she had lost this opportunity. Later, when she was at her Aunt’s house (her destination) there was a knock on the door. The man she saw on the bus was at the front door. It turns out that he was a friend of the family who had come for a vacation and he got off the bus a few stops too early. In the true story the man and the woman got married and lived happily ever after…yada, yada. So, here is where the connection to me happens. The man turns out to have been Iranian. He is also a dentist. This information is stuck into the story in two lines. In rereading the story I can’t even understand why this information is there. It doesn’t really add to the story. It is near the end. My Mr. X is a dentist and I am Iranian. When was the last time you read a story that was about an Iranian? I can’t remember one ever and it is my nationality. How about an Iranian and a dentist. So, I am ending this ridiculously lengthy post and hoping to go back to my old cynical self. I am trying to convince myself to be happy to know that he exists and he lives in the same state as me but honestly I wish I had never met him so I wouldn’t have had to experience the pain of knowing he can never be mine.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2006):

After months searching this site for THE thread that could resemble my situation, I've found it. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I guess it's time to share mine.

I am married and have a kid. I am devoted to my family and have NO desire to end my marriage. Last September I became more acquainted with a classmate at university - I'll call her Jane. We have a substantial age difference. We are well aware of the boundaries under which our relationship operates and have developed a wonderful platonic one. The trouble is that since October, as we have become closer, I have been struggling with inappropriate romantic feelings for her. To be more precise, she is the first thought when I wake up and the last one before I fall asleep. In my current married situation, I am wracked by guilt over these inappropriate feelings.

I have skirted the topic of my feelings with Jane by asking questions like, "given the stories you tell about how you reject other guys, why do you continue to hang out with me", and more to point "what if I was not married?" Her answers have been, respectively, "because you haven't hit on me", and "I would be more guarded around you". So to her, I am safe. Yet I can't help but feel we are taking great pains to avoid acknowledging the spark that clearly exists between us. Jane will be moving to another city to continue her graduate studies, and I have already told her that I wlll miss her greatly. I am considering going further and risk our friendship by asking her to consider that in the future we might be presented with the opportunity to pursue a romantic relationship. That opportunity could happen years from now or never, but if it comes, I would go for it if she felt the same about it. Regardless of Jane's answer I would have closure. Or would I?

Poteidaia, you need to get over your obsession with this married woman and get on with your life. I am getting on with the great thing I already have going with my wife and kid. I am not meant to be with Jane at this time in my life, if ever. Just as you are not meant to be with your married woman.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006):

Interesting, My soulmate is also married to someone else. I met her under very strange circumstances. I actually saw her surrounded by light. It scared the heck out of me. We actually avoided each other to try and ignore the electricity and feelings that were going between us. We did not even speak. I had never experienced anything like this before and now other woman look two dimensional. I suggest there are people out there who do not have a clue as to what a "soulmate" really is. I didn't. It is not a built over time relationship as much as people in those situations call their spouses soulmates. It is an electric type exchange of energy. It is a soul charging experience. And it shows the other "relationships" for what they really are and why they are so much work. They are only two dimensional missing the soul sharing third dimension. I only pray that some day the ones that shoot down real soulmates meet a real one. If for some reason I am left to not ever be with my soulmate I will not settle for second best. I will be alone before I will accept someone God has not chosen for me and now I know how to recognize that person.

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A male reader, Poteidaia +, writes (20 December 2005):

Thanks anonymous (18/12), your reply still makes me cry after 2 days!

I’ve been trying to be the best friend I possibly can, but it's hard. I don't seem to be able to think of anything to say to her! (Which must be irritating for her, because, as soon as I talk to someone else either on the team or during breaks I have lots to say!).

There's a lot of silence, not uncomfortable, but silence none the less.

I have however been as supportive as I can during the last couple of weeks because she’s had a promotion interview, (15/12), and needed some re-assuring.

I’d recently thought of trying to put some distance between us, but I haven't made that decision yet.

I've known her for just over a year and to be honest I didn't think she'd still be spending all her spare work time with me. I’d expected her to tag along with me until she made some friends of her own, then for us to go our separate ways. It hasn't worked out that way, and to be honest I don't know if I'm pleased or not. I can't decide whether I'm more miserable when she's there or when she’s not there!

I'm scared of saying the wrong thing to her I think, because she's married I don't want her to know how I feel in case I ruin things for her. Not that I think she feels anything more than friendly towards me! I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her I love her, that I’ve been searching forever for her and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I’d like to tell her that she’s the only woman that’s made me think about marriage and kids.

This is getting a bit long so I'll stop soon, but I'd like to say to anonymous (20/12) that he's not alone!

Just look at this one page, there are others in the same situation. I’m desperately trying not to lose hope, (and only just hanging on by a thread!), I do hope we can all get through this, and with a bit of luck we’ll all look back and know we did the right thing!

Thanks, Poteidaia.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005):

I've finally found a situation that closely resembles mine. I'm falling for a woman who is in my band. We only see each other once a week during rehearsal or when playing out at a gig. We've never been alone one on one really, there's always someone around - bandmates, spouses or kids). We're both married and we both have two children.

It think it all started for me one night at this gig, I was singing a ballad and she was dancing with her husband(who is a great guy, by the way). As I sang at looked out over the crowd on the dance floor she looked directly at me as she danced with him and ever since then, I've been thinking about her more and more. I know I can never tell her how I feel, we both have so much to lose - our families, our friendship, the band itself. I really hope I can manage this...

We're on a break over the holidays and

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2005):

Poteidaia, I know you want to relieve yourself of your misery immediately, but please try to be patient. Step back, relax, and don't forget to breathe!

Now. It's ok for you to be in love with this woman. One cannot help where one's heart goes. Just because she is married does not mean your love for her is somehow wrong.

And I won't try to dismiss your potent feelings as a 'crush' or an 'infatuation' or a 'passing fascination' -- if you feel it's love, then it's love and I won't dispute that. It's what's making you feel so miserable because you can't be with her.

Certain things you have control over and certain things are out of your grasp. You can't do anything about your feelings and you can't do anything about the fact she's married. But you *can* do something about how you behave towards her.

Be good to her. Listen to her when she talks. Laugh at her jokes. Be entertaining to her when you respond. Make her feel good. Be strong and smart and handsome and clever for her. Be a great friend to her. Do this consistently and... here's the hard part... give it time.

If ultimately she can't return your love in equal proportion (which, if she did, would make you feel like you won the lottery no doubt!), she will at least like you a lot and respect you. And you may end up with a friendship that goes on for decades.

And lives change over the course of decades. She may find herself single again someday. She might fall in love with you. You might find that you've fallen out of love with her. You might meet someone else along the way who has the same terrific qualities who you can be with. Who knows??

Just try to stay rational, be patient, and be good to her.

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A male reader, Poteidaia +, writes (29 November 2005):

Hi anonymous. I agree that it is comforting to know others have the same feelings and problems as me.

It's also kind of uncomfortable knowing that there seems to be so many. What's the point in feeling so connected with someone you can't share your love with? I think there's something sadly wrong there somewhere!

I do, however, gain some hope from the fact that you're coming to terms with not being with your soulmate, unlike you though, I don't have the guilt associated with already being in a relationship. (I hope that doesn't sound cheeky!).

I don't feel very lucky at the moment. I know I should be thankfull that I've even met my soulmate, but why do I feel so miserable? If "time heals all wounds" then I guess I'll survive, until then I'll just have to struggle on as best I can.

Hoping we all get through this.....Poteidaia.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005):

I some strange way I find comfort in knowing that a few other people are feeling the way Iam. I hate that anyone else is going through the agony of this thype of thing but it's somewhat comforting to know Iam not crazy.

Poteidaia...like you I felt like I was becoming very depressed, fighting to act "normal" and carry on conversations with others because I couldnt concentrate on anything. Iam slowly begining to accept things for what they are and take it one day at a time. Iam so thankful that I found my soulmate even though I cant be with him right now Iam so very lucky to even have him in my life. I think it's very sad that some people never find that person and never get to experience what true love really feels like. It's amazing!

On the other hand the guilt it what drives me crazy....I hate having to look at my husband every day and think to myself that Iam head over heels in love with someone else. I feel like Iam robbing him of a love that I think everyone should experience. Iam sad that I cant give that to him.

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A male reader, Poteidaia +, writes (28 November 2005):

Thanks to Erin and Anonymous for their points of view, and for sharing their problem with us.

It seems to me that the people who have experienced the same/similar thing to me would like to drop everything, hang the consequences and go for it.

Trouble is, (as others have quite rightly pointed out), you can't!

The other problem, is, fir those of us who are affected, is that it hurts like hell. Sooner or later you've either got to let go and settle for what you think is very probably second best, (and who wants to do that), or, you grasp the opportunity with both hands and maybe, (worst case scenario), ruin some lives.

Not the sort of choice I find appealing, I think you'll agree!

The problem I have, and I think Erin and anonymous would agree, is that the situation is ruining my life, (and theirs). It won't be too long before it starts ruining other people’s lives anyway.

For me, I've become depressed, I'm not eating much, it's very difficult to concentrate on anything, and I'm unable to start a new conversation with someone, (especially the woman in question). Luckily for me all of my closest friends have gone off to do bigger and better things and I don't see them more than once a year, (saves talking to them), and the conversations at work tend to be very similar. I'm able to use remembered conversation answers and stock jokes/mickey takes.

Eventually though, people are going to notice you're not the same lively person you once were, (some of my colleagues have already said I'm now too thin and are concerned, and a couple of people on my team have guessed why!).

What makes it harder are the looks I'm getting from other members of staff who see me going to 'her' team to collect her for breaks and lunch, who see us arriving together in the morning, (her idea, she waits for me in the car park), and leaving together at night, who are, I'm sure, having a field day putting 1 and 1 together to make 17!

I have to admit, that as a single person, I have nothing to lose as far as rumour mongering goes, but as a married woman she has quite a lot to lose, so I’m not concerned about myself, however she insists on spending the time with me, (goodness only knows why?), and it would be a real shame if she was to get hurt because of it.

Anyway, I think I’ve waffled on a bit too much with this one, if there’s more feedback; I’ll try and leave a response later.

Thanks again, and good luck. Poteidaia.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005):

Just wanted to put a different spin on this.....Iam Married to a man that is absolutly wonderful to me and my daughter and we are happy, not perfect but happy. When I was in college I met my soulmate...we bonded the minute we met unfortunatly I had to move across the country for my job only a few months after that. I couldnt handle the long distance relationship so I ended things.I compared every relationship to that and no one ever could live up to the standard he set. I did "settle" when I finally married the man Iam currently with and thought I was "happy" adn content with the way my life was going. Just last month I recieved an email through classmates from my soulmate. Just reading the email brought instant tears to my eyes....that afternoon we were on the phone talking as if no time had passed at all.Neither of us had any idea we still had all of the feelings and love still inside our hearts. It's not bad enough that Iam Married he is also Married....and both of us are very commited to the oath we took when we said "I do". So what now....we are so drawn together. I can't get enough of him. Even if it's only an email a day or a quick call. Both of us are struggling every day to go on like normal and trying like hell no to pick up the phone every 10 minutes just to hear the others voice. HELP!!! I need advice...support something!!!

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A female reader, Erin +, writes (28 November 2005):

I certainly understand what you are saying and feeling. I've had the same thing happen to me, only I'm the married party. I wasn't looking for anyone. I was vacationing with friends and met someone whom I felt an immediate "connection". To make a long story short, in just 12 hours we fell in love. However, because I am married with a child, I said "No" to any future contact. I did not even ask his last name for fear that I would contact him. It has been the most painful experience I have ever had, yet it has profoundly changed me. I was always afraid to love. I think it stems from my father whom I was close to, dying when I was 10 years old. Anyway, the experience made me realize that loving someone was not something to fear, but rather it was empowering. All of my relationships have changed for the better because of the experience. The down side is that it has been over 1 year and I still think about him every day. I miss him so much and my soul aches for him. I never felt such deep unconditional love and compassion for someone. I can't help hoping that we will meet again some day, yet that seems very doubtful since we live 1,500 miles away. After reading everyone else's answers it seems I did make the right decision, however, I know I will never feel that way in my current relationship and doubt I will ever feel that way with anyone else again. So my question is.....what is more important? What is right for yourself or what is right for everyone else?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005):

First let me say I'm sorry you're feeling pain. Second, let me say I understand your pain! I too just recently reconnected with my childhood sweetheart. We were always soulmates from sixth grade on. We went to parties together then to high school proms. We lost touch as we went to college. Somehow we managed to just reconnect. We talked about how we both had one broken relationship after another because we felt empty and unfulfilled. We immediately felt we had come "home"! We professed our love right there on the spot! The problem is he is married. I know... How could I?? I didn't "make him do anything" by the way...

He wanted to tell me these things after twenty years of being away from me. He is not going to leave his wife. We just know deep in our hearts and souls that we are lifemates and that somewhere back in our teens we dropped the ball and we are supposed to be together. Does that mean that we destroy the people that are involved in his life right now? NO WAY! It means I love him unconditionally and accept the terms that are laid out before me and wait until he is available ... once again. That may mean twenty years. It may mean thirty. It may mean I may die first. But somewhere in my heart I'm happy and so is he because we know we are in love and we are waiting for each other.

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A female reader, romancingthesoul +, writes (3 November 2005):

You know, the problem with society is that they don't realize that you can love more than one person at one time. Yes, it's different kinds of loves but you can't deny the feeling. It is there; why not come to terms with why it is there and resolve it? No, you don't have to act on it but you can't ignore it either because if the feelings are there, they are meant to be there and it's nothing that you or I can do about it. It's the power of the soul mate experience and one in which confuses a lot of people. When one or the other persons involved is already in a comitted relationship, one has to wonder why other soul mates enter their lives. I mean, this would be bad timing, wouldn't it? But, what is happening here is, this other person, your other soul mate may it be, has come into your life for a reason. It's up to you to figure out what that reason is and resolve it. Is it to reassess your present relationship? Is it to bring to light things in your present relationship that may need work? You need to question why this person has come into your life and resolve the issue in order to have peace of mind. Remember, all soul mates enter your life at times when you may need help with something within your life. That's their role. To sweep your feelings under the rug would be ignoring the issue and that's not what you need to do. Figure out why you have these feelings and come to terms with them. You have many soul mates out there and the ones you marry only make up a third of them. ;o)

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A male reader, Poteidaia +, writes (30 October 2005):

Thanks for the quick responses! I do feel however that 1 or 2 have missed the point slightly. I've no intention of telling her how I feel, and I'm certainly not going to act on it!! (no real need for the scumbag remark). I'd also like to point out that I've never even had feelings for anyone else who was in a relationship before now and I've never wanted anything just because someone else has one/it. Many thanks to woodzy36, I realise that I'm not alone or original or anything but it's still good to hear from someone who's had a similar experience. What i'm looking for, ultimatelly, is some advise on coping with the 'reaction' I'm experiencing because of the way I feel about this particular married woman. Thanks again to ALL those who took the time to post a reply. Cheers Poteidaia.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005):

Well, agree with all the above answers, yes, to a point. The fact is my soulmate is married to someone else and so am I!! Not good. But yet true, agreed to by both of us in overwhelming emotion and exact agreement of our feelings and emotions. We had almost made it past "close friends" many years prior and a few words left unsaid at that time {when we were totally free!!} changed our life paths forever. We stole some time together a few months ago and admitted our feelings still present after all of these years and felt it all surreal, magic, so "right". But in the end, he couldn't cause his children pain, nor did he feel his nonsoulmate decent wife deserved to be left out in the cold. I was devastated and still am, my marriage not being as tolerable. I guess you just never know what the future holds, but one thing I know for sure is that when it is soulmate love, you will love them forever, unconditionally, and this has held true for us for 18 years and counting!! As I said, no one knows what the future holds. My advice is don't burn your bridges, and if you love her enough, and you are helpless to stop loving her over time, then hope for your plan to be God's plan, too, as I believe that is the only way true soulmates are brought together anyway. Good Luck, sorry to say you will need it. The truth is, most people are probably not married to their soulmates, so there may come a time when you must "settle" or end up alone. Also, do "soulmate" research online to be sure it is the real thing. My situation stacks up to ALL characteristics, etc., we have ever found written {we actually researched soulmates to see if we both would continue to agree, and it only reconfirmed our judgements and caused beautiful but bittersweet realizations. It's tough, but I can actually say I don't regret it. At least I know what that level of loving someone really feels like and felt it returned, if yet only for a short, sweet time. I will always cherish each second we had.

Wishing you the best of luck cuz you'll need it. Take care.

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A male reader, woodzy36 +, writes (26 October 2005):

Dude, let me tell you. I was in you shoes 6 years ago. I met a lady, we were so called friends. I fell so in love with her. She was married, children, the whole deal. We had an affair for 4 years. She told me she loved me, I was her soul mate, everything a fairy tale romance had, we had. In the fourth year her husband found out. I'll get to my point. We don't see, talk or even write anymore. She dropped me like a bad habit. All the things she told me, the dreams, our future together. All gone, did she lie to me the whole time? I don't know. But I never should have went there. It's killing every relationship I try to have. I compare every girl I meet to her. It's a F'ing mess. You need to buy some good running shoes and use them, NOW! Run. Get over her. trust me, it will hurt you, real bad. I know I'm still living it today. LATE! BILL

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A female reader, Kay-the-Cloud +, writes (26 October 2005):

I agree with pops and Irish. She's married so she can't be your soulmate. Stop thinking about her and move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005):

She's married! Stop thinking about this-you have no business doing this. If you don't stop this obssession, you will end up shortchanging yourself to finding a nice, unattached girl, out there-who could be looking for you! Let's imagine for a minute, this gal decides to have an affair with you. Her husband will eventually find out and you both will damage lives, including children (if there are any) who will be hurt by an inevitable, messy divorce.

You're really attracted to the idea of having her because she's unattainable. Some people just love the drama and excitement of an illicit affair. You need to find something else exciting to do in your life. Take up sky diving if you must, but getting your life excitement this way, you risk ruining other people's lives, just isn't fair. Just because somebody pushes your hot button doesn't give you the right to be with that person. Thinking it does is just plain wrong. You must realize how much more is at stake here than your need. Take time to get closer to someone else and leave this other woman alone. Good luck and take care.

Hugs,

Irish

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (25 October 2005):

eyeswideopen agony auntKeep on searching, Buddy. And work on developing some sense of honor, integrity, and decency. Married woman are to be respected not chased after by scumbags.

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A female reader, missbunbury United Kingdom +, writes (25 October 2005):

missbunbury agony auntI'm sorry to have to say this, but if she's married, she's not exactly "perfect", is she? The perfect woman is one who is free to offer you the whole of herself for a loving relationship, and that's not this girl. It sounds harsh, but you're going to have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on searching. You may feel a connection with this married woman, but she's not your "soulmate", she's someone else's wife. Think hard about this - is it possible that her unavailability is one of the things that's drawing you to her? We all have a tendency to try and make our lives fit into patterns, and the 'forbidden love' pattern is one that a lot of people get caught up in, but it rarely works out like it does in the movies. My advice to you is to simply accept that this woman is NOT the one for you. Try and see her as little as possible, and tell yourself that you have enough self-respect and respect for others to see you through this. Don't wallow in sadness, just get on and pretend you're fine, and soon you will be.

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A reader, pops +, writes (25 October 2005):

Oh, Please. Have you not something better to do with your life than dwell on melodrama? So you like a married woman. She's " safe", because you don't have to talk to her, or make a commitment to her, or be responsible for her, or to her. What's not to like? Find someone who is available and spend the time getting to know her, and letting her get to know you. Stop wasting your time mooning over married women.

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