A
female
age
51-59,
*rainbow
writes:hey guysi am writing this because i am at the end of tether with this man who is supposed to be my husband. We have been married for 4 years and it was long distance. I moved to the US about a year ago and since coming here my relationship has gone downhill 100%. First thing that happened when i came was that he lost his job and had no money for 6 months. I spend all my savings on us. I know it sounds selfish but i was expecting him to help out as well. We ended up living on a floor at his familys house in a small room for the first 3 months. It was a nightmare. I managed to get a job fairly quickly and started earning and got an apartment. His credit is bad so we had to wait to do it all in my name. On moving in he managed to get a temp job was great giving me money towards bills, bit recently things have changed. I found him on a lot of porn sites. Not just here and there it was everyday for hours when i wasnt around. He also sits for hours on an online game. Sex is something of the past and i cant remember the last time we were intimate. I have gone numb and am loosing all feelings for him. I get little to no help round the house, lately he has started doing his own laundry saying i dont do it right. I have had to ask him for his part towards the bills more than a few times. The way he has been speaking to me is beyond reasonable, kind of demeaning and then laughing it off and saying i cant take a joke. I attend AA meetings and recently he has been saying they are taking over my life, I told him that if he was asking me to choose he would lose because i have been going there for 18 years before i even knew him. And occasionally he just loses it verbally. I am so fed up trying to create a happy place with positivity. He is so negative. A friend told me he may be jealous of my achievements because i earn more than him and have new friends that i have met since coming here. I just dont know what happened. I came 6000 miles and end up like this. I am not a victim of any sort i know myself and know that whatever is happening is totally unacceptable. I am no angel myself but everyday is like an uphill struggle with this man. I am seriously considering asking him to move out. Any ideas form you guys on what to do. I appreciate your thoughts on this.
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gambling, jealous, long distance, lost his job, money, online game, online gaming, porn Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): all i can say is... kick him to the curb. cut your losses and move on. life's too short to spend it with people like this.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (30 January 2013):
 I am not sure there is anything YOU can do, other than initiate the process of starting the recovery process for your marriage. After all, remember the serenity prayer -- you only have control over yourself, not others. He will have to meet you half way -- as there are no magic cures for a marriage gone bad.
1) If he is willing to rectify the marriage, then I think you have a half a chance. Seek counselling or some sort of therapy. Your place of worship may also offer free or low cost ways if you are so inclined. With this much damage done this early in your marriage, you will need a professional.
2) Ask him if he is happy. Chances are he isn't happy either. Maybe both of you are ready to call it quits. From what your post indicates is that we know you aren't happy -- but what are his feelings? You can't begin to fix things until you know where both of you stand in regards to your living situation.
3) Right now you are an enabler. You are bringing home the paycheck while he surfs porn and plays online games. A quick fix for this would be to cancel the internet connection at your house. After all, you are paying for it. That is certainly one way to fix the problem...
4) Your recovery must be a priority in your life. I am glad you aren't listening to his drivel about quitting going to AA. Without your sobriety and meeting support, your life will quickly spiral.
5) Consider the fact that he may be suffering from depression. Man often tie their self-worth to their jobs. When a man loses his job, his ego often goes down the tubes. Recognize that he could be suffering and needs medication or therapy.
Finally, you may have to chalk this one up as one horrible mistake and move on. You aren't 100% clear in your post, but it sounds like you really didn't know him very well before tying the knot and this may be the way he really is. While it will be extremely difficult to swallow, you didn't sign on to be a man's baby-sitter...
Eddie
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 January 2013):
 Is being married part of the reason you are allowed in the USA? if so then I fear you have a problem as divorce would render you having to go back to your country of origin.
IF you can divorce and stay here.... well then make it so.
Congrats on 18 years of recovery! That's awesome. Do not let him take that away from you.
FWIW, my hubby moved 100 miles away from his life to be with me in the town i live. I make more than he ever will. I'm older than him (my just over 13 years) and have established a career and a home. Changing is hard and my husband, looks at porn and plays online games... but
he works and contributes to our home
he does not ignore me
our funds as spouses are combined in our joint accounts. the fact that you "have to ask him to help with the bills" tells me you don't treat each other like equal partners. You are the parent to his child. this is never good.
I would strongly suggest that you two get counseling to see if you can make this work.
IF he refuses, then out he goes....
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 Usually, when a man changes, there is something that caused it. Something major often, at least to him.
But did he change? I find it a bit of a coincedence that the moment you two started living together, things fell apart. What exactly was the arrangement when it was a long distance marriage? I can't help but think of words like mail-order bride or arranged marriage.
After all, if you two were living apart for 3 years, he might have been exactly the same and just cleaned up his act for a while and then fell back in his old routine of basically not being married.
Here is one clue for me. He lost his job and didn't have any money for six months... so where were HIS savings? IF he had been employed steadily before, then shouldn't he have had some? Also, just how fast does your credit go bad in the US?
If you are a mail order bride and he is the type who had to get a woman from abroad, then it could be as simple as him feeling less macho because he is no longer the provider. Because it does sound like when you came over, the idea was that he would work, and you wouldn't.
Instead you are now the provider, he is living in your house and you are the one going to work in the morning while he is supposed to do the housework.
Some guys can't take that. But I can't tell from your post if this is all just caused by him losing his job and self-respect or whether he was always like that and just hid it for a while.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 You need to proceed. Do what is best for you, he's a "big boy" and can fend for himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): You did get married, better or for worse...but there are limits. What I would suggest is go to some sort of counseling as a last ditch effort to try and make this work. This guy has a lot of problems and needs a lot of work on being a man. Perhaps a professional can explain this to him. It does sound like there IS some good in him, but he is making a lot of really poor choices. Your responsibility in all this is, you are enabling him to get away with his lack of respect, adult responsibility and work ethic.His job every day should be looking for a job until he has one. The longer he is sitting around doing nothing, the more trouble he is getting into. Get that computer out of his hands...make it broken, make it disappear, whatever, it's not helping the situation. Porn and online gaming is taking over his life...he needs help and he needs it now. If this is something you are willing to take on, god bless you...it's going to be a long road ahead.He may very well be jealous of you because he is not a strong man, he cannot find away to have it all together like you do, and having a solid support system that he is not involved with (AA) is intimidating for him because deep down this guy knows he needs it. Until he is ready to get outside of himself and admit he has a problem, nothing will change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Well it best you part. Maybe then he will relaise how easy he had it and what he lost. If you dont, nothing will change and you will become more miserable.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 January 2013):
 File for divorce in US. It will be the best thing you've done so far. He is a loser. His true colors are being revealed. He's not stepped up to being your husband. He has gaming issues, pornography issues, he's still a little boy wanting his Mom to pay the bills. He's disrespectful. He sounds like a man who does not want to grow up and be a responsible man and instead wants to remain a 20something with no responsibilities.
You need a better life than he can ever offer you.
Unless he grows up you are facing a life of pain if you stay in this mess.
Start moving on and enjoy a better life. There has to be a nicer more respectful man than him.
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