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We met online a week ago and already love each other

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Dating, Marriage problems, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 January 2018) 10 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2018)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been divorced for almost 6 months and have been dating. I met someone online and when we met in person we both felt an instant connection. He has already told me he loves me and I have told him also. It has only been a week. I have never had feelings this strong for anyone, not even my ex husband who I was with for over a decade. We have already talked about getting married and possibly adding another child to our family. Is this crazy to be thinking and acting like this so early on in a relationship?

View related questions: divorce, met online, my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI think you know deep down that it is crazy. I mean me and my husband moved fast and so did his sister and husband to be. But still you cannot add a child in to the mix off things when you barely know each other. You are both getting caught in the heat off the moment where as you really need to slow down and just take the time to get to know each other. It is not love it is lust. Just take it slow and see how it goes.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 January 2018):

If it seems crazy, IT IS!!! You're not a teenager! You've been married and divorced. At your chronological-age, you are familiar with "rebound feelings."

Got to be blunt here! This is totally outrageous! There is no such thing as instant-love on-contact. If you believe that; you both need your heads examined!

There are scam-artists out there looking for lonely divorcees and desperate women who melt at the mention and sound of the word "love!" You are so freshly divorced, you are desperate for attention and validation from a man.

Your ego is bruised, you feel rejected, your self-esteem is deflated; and you're a perfect target for an online-scam!

There are foreign-scammers looking for ways to get at your credit or bank account, or seeking some way to be sponsored to get citizenship. There are trolls who are looking for quickie-sex, and clever serial-killers looking for their next victim. Yes, they will date you, romance you, and pull out all the stops. Then mail your body-parts to several different locations or leave it in a dumpster!

Girlfriend, you cannot be serious!!!

My dear, please come-down off cloud-nine. You wouldn't have written a post unless your better judgement is screaming inside your head that THIS JUST ISN'T RIGHT!!!

To quote an old cliche" "If it sounds to good to be true, it isn't!"

You can't be that naive, and all this is nothing short of foolish. I don't care if he has the principles of the Pope, and the sanctification of a saint! You are moving too fast, coming-off so gullible you're scary, and such feelings for a stranger so quick will change just as quickly.

World-wind romances are for teenagers!

Take an ice-cold shower, and call your mother. You're heading for a train-wreck!

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (6 January 2018):

YouWish agony auntThere are only three kinds of men who are that flippant with the "L" word so as to use it within one week if they're any older than 15 years old:

1. They're flakes! They flame on, then flake out and disappear. Love for them extends the length of a one night stand or a month at most.

2. They're conmen! They have exploited your weakness, turned your loneliness against you, and are using you for sex or resources. They are either compensating for extreme baggage that most women would reject them for (i.e. criminal record, bad credit, pathological lying), or they wish to bleed you dry.

3. They're mentally ill! They've been institutionalized, are unmedicated, and are in a manic phase in their life. Extreme love could mean extreme jealousy, rage, depression, and terrifying pathology.

The point is -- if you haven't done a background check on this guy, you need to RIGHT NOW, because saying "I love you" and talking about making babies this early is severely disturbing. I'm in the "He's playing you" camp here, because he's reading you like a book and playing you like the lonely fiddle you are.

You are divorced, devastated, and vulnerable. That makes you an ideal MARK. If you have resources, he might be after them, and that includes sex and money and shelter.

DO THE BACKGROUND CHECK! Check his social media, his criminal record, his employment, his internet footprint, all of it.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (6 January 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntOf course it is crazy. YOU know it is crazy - otherwise you would not be asking the question on this site.

The first thing I did after reading your post was check your age, fully expecting you to be a teenager. If that had been the case, I would have simply sighed, mentally rolled my eyes, and moved on because that would be typical teenage behaviour. However, you are a long way past your teen years. You really should know better.

You both experienced an "instant connection". That is not love. Love comes from knowing someone properly, from sharing good times and bad, from finding out how they face up to hardship and difficult times. You know next to nothing about this man. All you know is what he wants you to know. ANYONE can keep up a pretence for a week. You do not know the REAL him yet. And admit it: he does not know the real YOU either, does he? Not necessarily because you are hiding anything but because he has not had chance to find out everything about you in a week.

Yes, it may well turn out that this is the start of a wonderful long-term relationship. He MAY turn out to be the man of your dreams, and you may turn out to be HIS dream woman. However, that is all in the future and, without actually spending time together and finding out, you cannot guess how things will turn out.

Given your attraction to each other, I would advise taking a step back and taking things slowly. Spend time together. Meet each other's friends and families. Do NOT get pregnant yet. You have plenty of time for that.

You both sound almost desperate to be in love. Not in a good way though but, rather, in a manic way. Take a deep breath and give yourselves time to actually learn about each other. If you both still feel the same say 12 months down the line, THEN you can begin thinking about getting married and all the other things you are already thinking of.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you. If you really believe you are meant to be together, there is no need to rush into anything as you have the rest of your lives together. Chill and enjoy.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYep, this is not love, OP

This is a mix of chemistry, infatuation and lust. BE honest with yourself. I get that having someone interested in you and wanting you is QUITE intoxicating, you have ONLY known each other a week - YOU do NOT (I repeat) you do NOT know each other.

Slow down.

Or this is going to be like a bottle rocket, a zoom, flash and bang... over.

You are still (whether you like it or not) in a vulnerable state after the divorce. Which means you NEED to be smart about your choices and USE common sense. You are too old to act like an impulsive 15 year old.

Just slow down. Hold off on the sex until you have spend ADEQUATE time together. You need more than LUST to build a relationship.

Also, WHERE is the fire? What is the rush?

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (6 January 2018):

Garbo agony auntYou should deliberately give it some time to test your feelings over a longer period of time of courtship. Is it possible to feel that way and know that the person is the one on a first meeting? Sure it is, but that does not require immediate commitment like marriage particularly that you just got out of one. You sure can make all the plans, but I'd still caution that you need more time to find out his background, his aims and goals, his family etc.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (6 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, you don't know each other. This isn't love. This is "I've just met you, I'm desperate to be loved and I'm infatuated because you're my escape". Either he's feeling the same a sign I've just explained, or he's PLAYING YOU.

You're strangers who are talking about marriage and a baby - LIFELONG COMMITMENTS. Say you met someone in an airport.... propose? Say you were in an ambulance.... make a baby with the paramedic? No because you don't know them.

This guy could quite literally be a criminal or murderer and you know nothing about him, but want to marry him and have his child.

Please don't let your hormones run off with you - this is like a teenager's way of thinking, not an independent woman in her 30s.

Slow it down. There are only two reasons that someone would say they love someone else after only a week: delusional infatuation (your reason) or conning them. He's your escape - the first time you've felt an instant desire in years and felt someone attracted to you, but this isn't real.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (6 January 2018):

N91 agony auntI'd say it's quite bizarre yes.

You barely know each other, how could you possibly be in love? You really need to slow this down. Spend time with each other and see how it goes. Speaking about marriage after a week would raise red flags to me, that sounds like very clingy behaviour. I understand it's exciting to meet someone new and you want to spend a lot of time with them, but love after one week? Nonsense.

Take your time.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (6 January 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI caution you to not confuse infatuation/lust with love. They aren't the same thing. You are just getting to know each other and can't truly know one another after just a week. Spend time together, truly feel each other out, have deep conversations. Really listen to what he says see how he treats others, ect. Don't jump into the fire so quickly! I do understand that lightning bolt of instant attraction I felt it when I met my now husband. Its heady, its intoxicating but don't throw all caution to the wind. What is the hurry?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2018):

Honestly, yes.

This has all the ingredients to become a disastrous rebound. If you like each other so much, why not continue dating for a while? What's the hurry to get married? Are you trying to get back at your ex?

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