A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Seeking some guidance around my husbands relationship with a highly promiscuous, devious and highly NARCISSISTIC Slor€ (that's her appropriately allocated nickname btw from her own family - which I was told in advance meant slut crs whore because she was so cheap she would do it for drugs).She was in a relationship.He has been married for 11 yrs we are both in our early 30's and owned our own home no children.We have been having problems and I vocalised that I wished to separate, we are very close and my husband has always maintained his physical attraction towards me.So they were spending time together, using. drugs, definitely flirting (inappropriate topics, tone and times. He was divulging our relationship matters to her which we were then arguing especially given he avoided any attempts to have any mature honest conversations with myself, close friends, family or medical professionals - due to ongoing concern about his mental health and possible personality disorder.Most of the texts or calls would deleted where possible, I was not introduced to her, his new circle of undesirables or seeking to know them by my own choice. This was 50/50 split.However after finding out she slept with her 8mth pregnant sisters baby daddy (and drug dealer of course which he admitted she continues to deny) which I was also told about in advance to ensure maximum insecurity, self doubt and abandonment feelings I am beyond angry that she still DENIES having unprotected sex with my husband in her boyfriends car whilst driving around to sell drugs.Now for the better part my husband and friend of 23 yrs confessed it wasn't self confession it was literally forced, tricked and outsmarted out of him. Now the week before this occurred after hhmm 2-3 mths of her calling to get drugs when he was at "home" very rare, he had to attend was upset and crying all day.We got home she is calling because it's an emergency "baby daddy is getting out of the clink" and I was replying on his behalf.He was asl on couch.Nothing rude or dubious but when she started calling, demanding he pick up leaving voicemails _ acting like his WIFE... I SNAPPED.I sent clear message that it was me and to quit her game and innocent act, she was replying saying she wasn't aware what was going on (y would she BE IN A NORMAL WORLD/MARRIAGE), she put all the blame on him saying she was only trying to help and she quote Respected my marriage, home and family that she would not contact him again and that she tried to get him to go "home to his girl" to which I curtly provided evidence to the contrary.I FOUND IT BEYOND INSULTING THAT SHE WAS TRYING TO MANIPULATE me FURIOUS that she was "trying" to portray herself as an upstanding honourable virtuous lady but her pathetic shallow attempt at displaying any real empathy for my position was NEXT LEVEL DISTURBING.I COULD SEE STRAIGHT THRU HER acting like she could comprehend my relationship or me when she's never met me (my main concern was always for his mental state and quality of life - whilst acknowledging that mine was totally irrelevant to him) was too much.So I screenshot some of their SMSes, messenger thread and call logs to reply which was simply Logic and FACT based Iadvised her to be very careful I'm not a stupid IGNORANT woman.I told her to stay away from him and let his family PROVIDE him with the rest and support he needed to repair what was left of his self worth and reputation.She agreed actually SWORE that she would respectfully do the "right" thing whilst stating she didn't want any drama WE WOULDNT HEAR FROM HER AGAIN.I KNEW THAT WAS BS but what more can one do...takes 2.A week later he obtains more drugs to sell first person he contacts YEAP CORRECT the slor€ - she says SURE head to her sisters (brand new baby and baby daddy who week prior was a code black for dange fresh out of jail for drug related issues rare there) so he disappears Now I get he contacted her.He returns few days later as he was also at other ppls pads etc and same as usual.Sleep 3 days then Eat then run up bills a day at home making half hearted attempts to keep stringing me along (way past this).Sometime over next few days they f and +K SORRY but that's what it was no protection no thought for me it was deliberately done just to spite me...how dare I tell her to STAY AWAY who do I think I am?After discussing in detail I believe my husband she was the initiator to this physical event, she made it clear she would not tell and happily had UNPROTECTED SEX with a married man. She wanted more imstances of this nature and has continued chasing him for months afterwards prior to me knowing the facts.BUT I KNEW AS SOON AS HE WAS HOME... INTUITION WAS SPOT ON.WE FOUGHT AND FOUGHT OVER "WHETHER IT DID OR DIDN'T OCCUR).I KICKED HIM OUT AND COMPLETED DIVORCE PAPERS. HOUSE IS BEING SOLD.Now the kicker 2 weeks after this rendezvous she is smsing him and I respondedSo your alive?Yes he is slor€ I thought you weren't going to contact him again I'll let him knowHer reply she is going to rehab doesn't want him contacting her blah blah blahI call her out on her bs lies again and her responseYour husband is a good loyal and faithful man he loves you don't want anything to do with either of you...(WTF IS THIS BITCH 4REAL) My reply I NEVER WANTED TO KNOW U BUT U made sure I didn't get a choice did I?Her reply she doesn't want to be involved with drugs (I'm not) and doesn't want any DRAMA.. wow!!I write back you are the drama, the trouble and an embarrassment to herself, feel sorry for her that she is so empty she uses sex as void to fill herself (pun not intended at that time but prophecy much)!Every week another SMS or message on FB from her.Then 6mths later I finally contact her asking for an explanation about the extramarital sex/R'Ship between her and my husband advising her that it's ALL OUT IN OPEN he has confessed EVERYTHING..AND DENIAL DENIED DENIAL WILL NOT ADMIT TO HER PART ON ANY LEVELME TOTAL DECIMATION and std tests as well as emotional destructionBEYOND ANGRY NO DETRIMENTAL DAMAGE TO HER LIFE OR FUTURE, NO CONSEQUENCES, Nothing. I can't accept this and would like some thoughts on a penance realise revenge is wrong but do unto others - least she could do is tell me the TRUTH.
View related questions:
cheap, divorce, drugs, flirt, married man, revenge, std, text, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2018): I read your response and these are the key words/sentences i think of when i read what you have put. Firstly YOU DO blame her, secondly YOU ARE angry and bitter and thirdly you are making EXCUSES for his behavior.
If there was an excuse for his behavior why did you not stick by him, if you are not angry your post sure as heck states otherwise and you very clearly do put the blame on her as much as him.
Read back to your original question and your response and tell us why we would think you come across as otherwise.
We all gave you advice, mine was she will one day get the karma you think she deserves and no intervention is needed on your part.
Move on, he is now your ex husband, you are not bitter remember, what does it matter now?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust want to clarify that the question does NOT ask for advice on who to "blame" with majority reminding what I obviously already know.
Ultimately my husband is responsible and I did articulate this in my post to try and avoid what a few commentors have done which is to misdirect their answers and assume incorrectly what I am asking.
Obvious that my husbands betrayal was unacceptable to me which is why I divorced him seems blame has been allocated to me.
Also I implore ppl to understand my husband is not well as I mentioned numerous times he is suffering from diagnosed ongoing mental health illness, this was preceding key factor for substance abuse issues along with this comes immersion into different circles/ subculture and lifestyle which lead to the infidelity.
The question is about her actions in the sordided mess....
HER actions go in all totality completely without acknowledgement, unapologetic and unpunished.
Off she walked to do it again and she has already and she will AGAIN but seems all the blame is apparently my husbands (oh and mine thanks for the bonus blame split!)!
So is this just societal acceptable behaviour now then to be a calculated malicious homewrecker and all blame goes onto the "unfaithful spouse"?
To deliberately set out to destroy other people's marriages and relationships?
The IMPORTANT issue that I wish to highlight is she has repeatedly conducted herself in this way and it's premeditated, deliberate, dubious and calculated on her behalf it's RIDICULOUS.
So all the people affected by her past actions did nothing really seems to have worked a treat.
Other people's inability to seek let alone obtain accountability god forbid ownership for her behaviour and ongoing unethical misconduct (great deterrent there) from my perspective thus is exactly why my life has now been tarnished by her.
So I'm hearing just do nothing just blame him *(and myself too) and homewrecker moves into the next relationship to destroy ensuring another innocent person will endure same heartache - WOW that's kinda scary to me that best action is a blind eye.
I should just focus on myself and be happy that's the best revenge - I recognise its a key factor but its not really correct either in the big scheme not only the damage already inflicted but the ongoing affect on my life, security, emotional state and relationships list goes on and onacross a wide range of areas!
I am not twisted or bitter either believe me
quite the opposite but then I was raised to understand and adhere to societal, family and personal ethics, morals, behaviours a code of conduct.
This is what I am struggling with most I don't want revenge persay not concerned with settling a score or Slor€ (pun fully intended) not unhealthy obsessing or redirecting blame but I am DISMAYED at level of satisfaction derived from destroying mine and other's lives.
Dismayed apparently its not that big an issue in our society the homewrecker is almost void of accountability.
Definitely unrepentant and unapologetic but the jilted party comes across as a "psycho", obssed, crazy X and cold-hearted WTF.
THAT TO ME is Twisted.
Im a very private and stoic individual a few of trusted few I have confided in have all commented that I have conducted myeslf with a high level of decorum given circumstances.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2018): This should be a no-brainer. How long do you want to put up with this kind of drama to which all three of you are contributing? Forget her and toss him to the curb where he belongs. That will be the only way you will ever have peace of mind.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2018): I understand your need for revenge, OP. It's human to want to lash back. I mean, how dare these people hurt you that way, and then just get away with it?
Being a drug addict is no excuse for her actions, or his. I would write something publicly about both of them telling the whole story, using their names. Or call the cops when she's using.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): You think this doesn't affect her life but it does. At the end of the day this woman has to live with who she is and what she does. One day she may very well fall in love with a man and the downfall for her will begin then. She will hate herself for her sordid past, she will be looking over her shoulder to see if anyone is going to tell him what she was like. She will doubt herself in a loving relationship because of the way she was. I know this because when i was young i made unwise choices and when i met a decent man that is all that i felt.Hold your head up high, walk away from the drama that is your husband and his life choices. You are the loyal faithful one who took your vows seriously. So don't try and make karma happen, it will do so on it's own accord. Best revenge is to move on and be happy, leave him and these people he associates with to make their mistakes and regret them at a later date.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (5 June 2018):
 I have to ask why you think this woman owes you ANYTHING? She is not the one who married you.
I do understand it is easier to direct your anger at her, rather than at your husband, who is the one who made marriage vows to you. However, it will get you NOWHERE and achieve NOTHING to seek revenge on her. You will just become bitter and twisted and guess what? Even if you find a way of extracting "revenge", it will not make you feel any better.
What WILL make you feel better is if you tell yourself you can survive this and you are worth better than this. Walk away with your head held high, brush yourself down and start your life anew. In years to come, this will be just a bad memory and you can proudly look at what you have achieved since.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 June 2018):
 OP, I'm sorry you are hurting but you ARE making the classic mistake most women make when a partner/soon-to-be ex or whatnot is sleeping around. YOU are blaming and name-calling the other woman.
She didn't OWE you a play by play of what your ex-husband and she did. NONE. And if she is a druggie, she might not even have a clear recollection of whom she has slept with and whom she hasn't. And it's REALLY none of your business. she can be the whore of Babylon for all you care. So what? Her life, her choices.
As for your "at-the-time-still-husband" coming home a crying... well, wouldn't you if you had found yourself in the position he had found himself in? In a gutter?
But the thing is OP, you sound SO SO bitter. And some of it I get. The man you have know for 2/3 of your life and been married to for 1/3 of your life was more interested in running around with a woman of questionable reputation, talk to HER about the marital problem instead of coming to YOU and see if you two could work this out.
I absolutely get that it hurts.
But your attitude SCREAMS " I WILL TAKE POISON and hope they both DIE!!" All this anger at this woman... It's WASTED. She doesn't give a single F. She doesn't care. Why should she? You are "just" the wife/now ex-wife of some dude she hooked up with and did drugs with...
You think because she is a woman like you she should help you find closure? That is not how life works, OP
YOU have to find your own sense of "closure". I know it's hard to do. I'm sure knowing he went from YOU to HER makes no sense. Why would he go with someone from the gutter who does drugs and has sex for drugs when he had YOU at home? Well, that is impossible to explain. But it isn't ABOUT you. I think that was HIM being self-destructive. Not caring what happens to him. Not him (or her) trying to HURT you. Well, maybe your husband DID want to hurt you a little. And ... he succeeded.
My advice? BLOCK her number, Block her on Facebook (WTF do you even HAVE her on your Facebook?!) stop contacting her.
You are now divorced, the house is hopefully almost sold. It's time to look forward to the future. It's time for you to heal.
SHE didn't do this to YOU. YOUR now ex-husband did.
I hope your STD tests come back clear.
I think you should look into therapy. I think you are so embroiled in this "drama" that you can't see past your nose. And it will EAT you up. You will be miserable. Bitter, angry, hateful and WASTE your life on two people (him and her) who ARE NOT worthy of your attention, who are HOLDING you back from moving forward.
It's OK to be angry when shit falls apart. You are after all going through a grieving process of what was a LONG friendship and marriage. THAT is a lot to process.
I would also advice that as soon as that house is sold and you no longer need to be in contact with your ex - that you BLOCK him 100%. Don't let him try and reel you back in. He made his bed, let him sleep in that and stay away from him.
How much "damage" this drama will cause to YOUR future is up to you. How much do you WANT it to damage?
Are there no consequences for her? Well, look at her life? Her family calls her a whore, she is on drugs, she is probably as low as she can get... I don't see HER having a great life at YOUR expense. And really WHO cares? She should be a BLIMP on your radar. She is NOBODY. A nobody who "fucked" your now ex-husband.
YOU working on getting better, looking to a brighter future for YOU, finding things in your life to enjoy IS the BEST revenge you can get. Leave her and your ex-husband in the gutter. You are ONLY in your early 30's! So much life to still live! So many things you can still do!
Find a good therapist, get this toxic drama out of your system.
Find things you enjoy to do - find things that make you happy.
Spend time with people who are a POSITIVE influence on your life.
Time to build a new future. For you.
...............................
A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (5 June 2018):
I think you need to take a look at your own behavior in this issue. Why are you so interested in what she does with your husband? You should be more interested in why your husband is stepping out on his marriage and taking drugs.
The truth should come from your husband, not anyone else. You seem to pass all the blame onto her but none to your husband. Are you that blind that it it actually him who is the whore, drug taking skank.
Have some self respect and dignity to walk away from this mess. A real woman would not give any of this attention and kick her man to the curb.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): There is very little anyone could say or do to console you if you have ended an eleven year marriage due to your husbands infidelity.You have the moral high ground.I would advise you not to speak to this girl at all.You dont need a confession and you have your own life to live.The best revenge you could have is to live your life to the fullest and move on.There is no such thing as the sex police for consenting adults and it is a waste of your time to think about it.We all know what sex entails and most people dont feel the need to see it or imagine it in absentia.Your whole life is ahead of you and your pathway could take many twists and turns so as you have applied to divorce you dont need to take on past worries.The best revenge is to be happy and brush it off as much as possible.The last thing you need is to dwell on it.
...............................
|
