A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,about 4years ago, i was in a long distance relationship with Ray(not his real name). The relationship didnt mean much to me because he was my rebound and the distance wasnt what i needed but at that time i wasn’t thinking. This resulted in me cheating with a closer guy that showed me so much sweetness. I left Ray to fully be with this new guy. This new guy broke my heart and i was back to square one. I then decided to take a little time away from dating and get myself together. After about 10 months, Ray and i got back in contact and became really good friends. We were closer than we had ever been.after a few months, we started dating again. I was head over heels in love with him. So i decided to tell him about what happened the first time we dated, that i cheated. He forgave me and said he understood that I didn’t love him and that he knew he was a rebound. Things were great of course with the occasional issues here and there. Last year the issues got serious. He wasn’t treating me well anymore as he was very nonchalant towards me. I tried everything for things to get better, tried to be patient till i was exhausted so i started giving my attention to other things. I met a new guy and it was at that moment my boyfriend decided to behave. He apologized for his attitude and changed. He suspected there was a romantic link between this new friend and i but i told him there wasn’t because that was the truth. After a while i forgave him and things were fine until recently when he’s just gone off on me again. I asked what was wrong and he told me he didn’t trust me. That he also felt like he had gone past everything but he hasnt and that he felt like I could leave because of last year when he thought i was leaving him for my new friend and also because I’ll be in the same city with my new friend for the next few months. Ive told him that I’ve cut off contact with this new friend but things are still sour. We’ve not said a word to each other for the past few days. I don’t know what to say or do. This is all very confusing for me. I need some thoughts.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (5 June 2018):
 Everyone can actually act in life any way they choose. However, it has to be remembered that everything comes with a price. The price of you cheating is that you have pushed this man away from you. This man you say you are in love with now distrusts you completely and is highly unlikely to ever get over that. Once trust is gone, it is very hard, if not impossible, to regain.
What a shame you could not bring yourself to be honest with him in the first place and tell him you were not ready for a serious relationship. Then you could have had your flings with anyone you wished with a clear conscience. It seems that every time things are not going as you would like, you turn to other men to "fix" them. Imagine how YOU would feel if someone you felt deeply about did that to you.
What you have done to this man can't be undone. Take a clean piece of paper and screw it up in as small a ball as you can. Now straighten it back out again. Is it the same? Of course it's not. It has marks from what you did to it previously. The same is the case with this man. To avoid this happening to you over and over in your life (and to avoid hurting other people), you need to find a more mature way to deal with disappointment and learn to "fix" or end your own relationships without involving a third party.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): I don't blame the guy.You obviously have some maturing to do before you are in a committed relationship.You are very self centred and egotistical. It appears you thrive on the attention of men. If you don't get it from one man or feel the excitement level or his level of worship towards you is dropping, you seek out someone else to prop up your self esteem. Clearly, you don't have any if you need outside validation from random men.So, you cut contact with this new "friend?" So what? That is not the problem. The problem is you began a friendship with this new guy. Maybe if you had stayed on your side of the fence and honoured your current relationship with your boyfriend, you would not have introduced yet another scenario in which you created anxiety and mistrust in your boyfriend.I can see why he does not trust you. He shouldn't. What happens when you don't trust? You pull away. You distance yourself. Like he is doing. Can you really blame him? He is protecting his heart from being broken. By you. You cheated once. It looks like you were on your way to doing it again. Why did you stop yourself? Because he got upset and then you realized he does care and might actually step it up for you? What a nasty game to play with a person's emotions. Flirt with another guy in order to get a reaction. You knew how he would react. You set yourself up for failure. Never toy with a man's emotions to manipulate him into acting the way you want, because you are immature, insecure and do not know how to carry on a healthy relationship.What should you do? Let him walk away. It appears he already has. I would not want to be with somebody like you. And I suggest staying single for awhile or just hooking up with random guys until you're ready to be honest, committed and faithful to one guy only.It is not fun being on the receiving end of a cheater and a potential re-offender in the cheating department. It destroys you self confidence and your peace of mind. You want to fool around. Do it and do it as a single person. Don't take anybody down with you. That really is the lowest of low.And no, he is not insecure or wrong here. You are.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 June 2018):
 Uhh, can you blame Ray for how he is behaving?? People tend to try to avoid pain, especially the intense crippling kind that comes when you're cheated on by someone you really care about.
You cheated on him before, and now it sounds like you invited ANOTHER affair, even if it was just the emotional kind. You CAN'T just meet some other guy and foster emotional intimacy with him when things get rough in a relationship! Ray became distant because he sensed that you were fully capable and willing to betray him again, and he wanted to avoid that pain!
When things go south in a relationship, the answer isn't to develop a "roving eye" and invite other men into your life! You used him to try to control your boyfriend, and it backfired on you, because while initially he "changed his attitude", you destroyed what little trust you rebuilt.
If Ray isn't working out, you END things before allowing another man into your life, even on an emotional footing! Hedging your bets is a morally bankrupt thing to do. Ray is merely protecting himself from being hurt again by you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 June 2018):
 Can you blame him? This is your own fault.
There’s nothing to salvage here, the relationship is over. You can’t be with someone you can’t trust. End things and move on. You’re wasting your time thinking this will get better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 June 2018):
 Sorry, OP...
You did this to yourself.
Have you READ your own post? Even if Ray "originally" was just a rebound you cheated is not OK. And for you to start talking to other guys when Ray treats you with disrespect, it's NOT OK either!
While I absolutely think Ray is a insecure twat and that you really NEED to end it with him, I think YOU need to take a GOOD LONG HARD look at your own behavior. You are so flippant in your post about the cheating - meeting new guys WHILE still "dating" someone.
No, just no.
If you find that the relationship you are in is NOT working out, he isn't treating you right - you END it and walk away. You don't add MORE people to the mix. THAT will not fix a single thing.
Ray doesn't trust you because you didn't BEHAVE in a trustworthy manner. However, HE shouldn't be DATING you if he can't trust you. Being a DICK towards you will not fix his trust issues.
Wish Ray the best in his life, end it and MOVE on.
He will NOT get over that you cheated on him. He said he would move past it but he simply can't. And that's OK. But you shouldn't have to walk on egg-shells because HE doesn't trust you, nor should you accept him treating you like you just don't matter.
I think you BOTH need to GROW up if you want to "play at" grown up things such as relationships you BOTH got to understand that ACTIONS have CONSEQUENCES!
I BET you if someone cheated on you... you wouldn't trust them further than you could throw them. That is sort of normal. But DO NOT date someone YOU don't trust or who doesn't trust you. If you keep dating Ray you will feel like you CONSTANTLY have to explain your actions, explain and justify EVERYTHING you do to make him feel he can trust you... but that WILL not fix it.
What you have with Ray is broken, no Gorilla Glue can fix that.
LEARN from this. NEXT time you date someone and things aren't going right, first TALK to them and figure out what's up and if it's something you two can fix, then GOOD, if not... END it and walk away.
This "new friend" you were talking too - sure, you didn't cheat physically but you WERE getting attention from another guy. And you might have cheated if Ray hadn't changed his tune temporarily. True?
If you don't have trust in a relationship you have NO solid foundation. Things will just crash and burn over and over.
Don't accept someone to not treat you right but also TREAT others how YOU would like to be treated!
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