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Should I give up on Prince Charming? Says he won't marry me unless I agree to become a swinger with him

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Friends, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2014) 13 Answers - (Newest, 30 August 2015)
A female United States age 26-29, *ifdotty1 writes:

I am a very attractive, tall, successful, and fun-loving 25-year-old young woman.

I am deeply and truly in love with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Our sex is amazing, and the adventures we have together are truly unreal.

He's my very best friend and I don't want to imagine a life in which we are not together, but I'm at my wits end!

My boyfriend is also a very attractive, tall, successful person, everything about him is amazing, but he says he won't marry me unless I agree to become a swinger with him.

I have zero desire to let anyone else touch me, and even less desire to see anyone else touch him. Call me old school but what happened to "forsaking all others" ?

I thought he would eventually grow out of this fantasy after a very embarrassing and half-assed attempt at a threesome with my friend after a concert, and I mean SO half-assed, "would you girls both like to go down on me?" You must be joking!

I feel that I deserve exactly what I want from life and to constantly worry that If I don't agree to swing with him that he will cheat on me is not what I want to live with.

I researched swinging and it seems that men never grow out of the desire to sleep with other women. For me sex and love go hand in hand, I guess my question is should I give up on this dream of a man who only wants me? Do all men cheat?

View related questions: best friend, swinging, threesome

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A female reader, chipmunk37 United Kingdom +, writes (30 August 2015):

chipmunk37 agony auntPeople get married because they want to publicly declare their love and devotion to each, they want to pledge their lives to each other and the bond that binds them together.

How seriously do you think he will take your marriage if he is so willing so use it as a bargaining chip to get his way on a sexual fantasy?

Swinging can be a great thing...if and only if it is what both of you want. You clearly have different views of what sort of relationship you want and he has very little respect for your thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

I know you love him but I seriously doubt he is your true prince charming. I would say you should talk to him one last time explaining how you feel about this and if he continues with this nonsense it may be best to walk away.

There are good men out there who will love you as much as you love them and will beg you to marry them with no strings attached.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015):

Swinging is not cheating. Swinging is an open relationship where spouses are ALLOWED to have sex with different people. Of course he will do it if you guys are married because this is what he is.

I think he is actually doing you a great service of disclosing who he is. He is being very honest and actually thoughtfull of you. He doesn't want to do it secretly, and it's up to you to deside.

You obviously don't want to do it, then that's it. Don't settle for this and don't go alone with it. It's not in you, and you will never like it. For him to propose something like he did is very natural, he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He has no boundaries, and socially he sounds awfull, but for him it's the same thing as ask you both to have coffe with him.

There are very few marriages that survived swinging life style. It is work on both parties. Swinging it's not what we called a natural form of relationship. People will always be jealous when there are other partners involved.

Also, when there are children, the secret need to be kept, it's always a life of hiding.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 January 2015):

olderthandirt agony auntFirstly and most importantly ...NO all men don't cheat! and secondly; you seem to have become entangled with a true case of Narsacistic behagvior. I'd recomend you find an alternative selection for a life-mate. It sounds like this dude is a bit off the deep end.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015):

If he really loved you he would marry you anyway, and put your needs first... rather than trying to make a 'deal' out of marrying you, so he 'gets something in return.' Instead he is more concerned with his own needs, and just wants an excuse to have sex with others. Personally I would never have a threesome with my boyfriend, and I don't think he would want to as he wouldn't want to put any pressure on our relationship. I have nothing against open relationships and swingers, but really it must be between two people who both want the same thing. This guy does not seem very loyal and to be honest he sounds quite disrespectful. If you're looking for a loyal committed relationship I think you should look elsewhere, you deserve so much better.

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States +, writes (31 December 2014):

TasteofIndia agony auntOh geez...

Listen, just be warned now - if you marry this guy, your life will be an endless emotional rollercoaster. The bad times will be awful, and the good times will be good - but always carry the stain of the bad. He'll cheat - at least he's been upfront with you about that - and even if you manage to argue him into submission and he never touches another woman for the rest of his life - he's told you explicitly that this is what he wants. He'll grow resentful.

This is a Lose-Lose situation. Either he grows old, bitter and feels you "owe" him for a lifetime of what will feel like servitude to your need for monogamy, or you spend your life getting endlessly hurt, feeling self-conscious and horrible after you find out that he's stepped out again - you'll be trapped with your former Prince Charming who is now a nightmare.

There are plenty of great guys out there who are dying to commit to one woman for the rest of their lives. I know this guy is great, but I read once, "if this Wrong one feels so right, then imagine how ridiculously right the Right one will feel". That seems relevant here.

You're 25! Young! You've got all these great qualities going for you. It will be worth finding a guy who will give you a lifetime of comfort and confidence instead of suspicion and questions.

Good luck!

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntGIVE HIM UP NOW!

I married a man who could not give up others. I'm fine with casual sex and we became swingers. He left the marriage for someone else and they no longer swing. Truth was he did not love me enough.

My current hubby and I do NOT share at all with anyone and I know this man loves me more than life itself.

He is NOT Prince Charming. He is not Mr. Perfect.

Prince Charming and Mr. Perfect would be totally happy being just with you.

He's settling for you and if you say NO to swinging and he accepts that I am sure later on in the marriage you will be posting here about things you think indicate cheating and you will be correct.

JUST SAY NO. the voice of experience is speaking.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 December 2014):

chigirl agony auntYou need to give up on this man. He is, in fact, not your prince charming or mr. perfect. If he was perfect for you, then he'd want the same things you do: commitment, monogamy, exclusivity. You want to marry one man because you want to be with only ONE man. He wants to marry in order to be with MORE WOMEN THAN ONE. The two can not be combined, and you and him are both fools if you think you can/should manipulate or convince the other to do something that is not in your nature. It is not in his nature to be with you and only you. Come the time, and I believe he will cheat. Unless you give him free room to be with others. I am sure he wouldn't mind you NOT being with someone else, as long as he gets to be with others. Not that he is a cheat by nature, or a mean man, but it's just not in his nature to be with only one woman. He is honest about this. To be with only one woman will NOT make him happy in life. And he has every right to choose for himself the life he wants.

Same as you have every right to choose the life for yourself that you want! I agree with you when you say that you deserve what you want in life. Life can not be planned, and you don't always get what you want, but everyone has the right, and perhaps owe it to themselves, to pursue their dreams. You owe it to yourself to find a man who wants the same in life as you do. Maybe you will not find him, but it is far better than to start swinging when it goes so against your nature and desire. Besides, what marriage would that be like? It's not what you want at all, so I don't see why you should even consider it. You'll just grow to resent him, and worry about what other women he's with, and you will be unhappy, and it'll end in divorce.

You might not believe me now, because you're deeply in love and crazy about this guy, but honestly, there ARE more fish in the sea. He's absolutely not the only hot and handsome man in the world. You can afford to let this one go, and find a man who wants the same out of life as you do.

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A female reader, Midnight Shadow United Kingdom +, writes (31 December 2014):

Midnight Shadow agony auntSwinging is something you really have to be into; if you're not, it'll cause a whole load of issues, maybe even feeling violated, since you don't really want to do it and are forcing yourself for his sake.

Not all men cheat and not all men want more than one woman. I suppose that it's likely that many think about it once or twice (particularly in the very early stages of a relationship), but never actually want to do it because they love you and only actually want you.

He's hardly Prince Charming if he'll only marry you if you force yourself to do something, pretty huge, that you don't want to do.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (31 December 2014):

Aunty BimBim agony auntSome men cheat, some women cheat, but on the whole I think most people remain faithful to their partners, men and women both.

If you are old school and have a dream of a man who will forsake all others for you, then throw this one back in the ocean, he is not the one for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

"would you girls both like to go down on me?"

This is not husband material. Could he humiliate and disrespect you more?

I'm not convinced that this is his first show of disrespect. He must have built up to this request with other annoying remarks but they've escalated to this. It will only get worse.

You deserve better

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 December 2014):

Honeypie agony auntNot all men cheat. Most PEOPLE have certain fantasies and MANY people don't seem to realize that you shouldn't LIVE out all of them because reality CAN NOT live up to fantasy.

Personally, I'd walk away. You don't WANT to swing and I think that is perfectly fine. He does, so LET him go and find a woman who will put up with that.

Starting to swing to "keep" a guy is the WORST reason to try it.

My guess is, he thinks you will cave and do it, because you love him. NOT because you want to do it. And that (IN MY BOOK) is pretty disrespectful.

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A female reader, txngal United States +, writes (31 December 2014):

Everyone is different.

But, personally, I would absolutely not tolerate the idea of my boyfriend wanting to swing or engage in a threesome.

Like you, I believe sex and love go hand in hand. I know for some people this is not true; for some, sex really is just sex. But for me it is not, and it's VERY important that my man know how important.

In fact I take it so seriously that if he even brought up the idea, I would probably end the relationship. No, all men do not cheat, just as all women do not cheat. I am very exclusive when it comes to relationships.

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A female reader, kirra07 Canada +, writes (31 December 2014):

I'm very sorry that you and the man you love disagree on this important issue. Since you know that swinging is something you very much are not interested in, be strong and let him go. If you do go forward with him and give swinging a try out of love, it will make you resent him.

There are many men out there that are not interested in swinging and will be faithful. Don't lose hope.

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