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He wouldn't commit so I ended it and bought a house. Now we might be getting back together...

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2014) 11 Answers - (Newest, 2 January 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, and for the last year I have been unhappy with the progress we've been making. He asked me to move into his home a while back but point blank refused to commit to/discuss any more of a future than that, so it ended up not happening. About 4 months ago, after numerous attempts to resolve this and after becoming sick of waiting for him, I told him I was thinking of buying a house using some of my savings as a deposit. He thought about it for a while then said it was a good idea. That was the only response I got. Fully believing that I was right in my assumption that he had no intentions of settling down with me, I went and signed the paperwork, paid my reservation fee (it's still being built) and applied for a mortgage. I told him before and after I had done all of this and he didn't really react.

I then told him I wanted time apart as we obviously don't have a future. To my complete surprise he was shocked and devastated, and has spent the last 2 months trying to win me back. I spoke to him today about everything, and he said he has done a lot of soul searching and he realises how much he loves me and wants a future with me. He has offered me lots of practical steps to ensure we get there, one of which is moving in together. And (maybe stupidly), I'm tempted to give him another chance. The problem is my new house! He is now saying he didn't realise it was a done deal, and he's upset that I don't want to give the house up and move in with him.

I really thought we were at the end of the road, so I didn't expect this. However, the fact is I like the new house and I'll also lose a bit of money if I back out. Never mind the fact that things are obviously still a bit shaky between us as we are just at the discussion stage of getting back together. What should I do? I feel this has added an extra layer of complexity to something that is already confusing me. Oh, and I am almost 30 if that makes a difference?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015):

When you told him you planned to buy a house he said he thought it a good idea. So do not listen to him, go ahead with your plan or you will regret it, thats what I think. See what his attitude is like towards you then. He possibly does not like the idea that you can actually get by without him and achieve something. Like othees have said if it worked out between you both then you could always rent the property out. Dont go and give your security up now just because he has finally seen the light, how long for? Dont take the risk, not yet with him anyway. It took him 6 years to tell you he wants you, I would be very wary.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 December 2014):

Honeypie agony auntYou already know what to do.

Keep the house. MOVE into YOUR house. IF you want to try dating him again, then sit yourself down and consider what you want/need from him in order to make it work, then consider if he AT ALL can give you that.

You two were together 6 and you got NO where, no even LIVING together - have you considered that he isn't IT for you? And that it IS OK for you to really END it, take some time for yourself and THEN find a suitable partner?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 December 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntMOVE into your home ALONE.

let him continue to court you and prove to you that he wants more than what you currently have.

DO NOT move in together until you have a date set for marriage and a venue paid for.

IF you let him move into your home, he will gain residence there and it will be near impossible to evict him once you realize he's wasting your time.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + , writes (31 December 2014):

If this is the same person as before, then she has provided a lot more information this time so I think it's fine that she has asked again. OP, in light of the fact that you had broken up over his inability to commit and you have already put money towards your house, I think you should press on with your plans regardless. As WiseOwlE stated, you don't actually have any more of a commitment from him than you had before. He is still expecting you to move in with him with no clear idea of what your future may hold, it's just that now he is adding a few more promises into the mix. You know him best so only you can say whether you think he has truly seen the error of his ways, but as someone who has gone through something similar recently, I'd think long and hard about whether you want someone who has to see you leave before he will even discuss a future with you. And if you do decide to give him another chance, then take things slow and watch his actions rather than listen to his words. All the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

Same advice as your last post. Buy / move into / keep living in your own house.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2014):

You keep on posting , woman!!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (31 December 2014):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYou don't need to hear my sad story of woe, but based on personal experience, DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR HOUSE, or investments, or lose money for this man.

The fact you kept him updated with what you were doing and if he chose to ignore what you were saying, and was too deaf to your words to understand what you were doing, well, he needs to live with the consequences of his actions, and inactions.

(I don't believe him quite frankly)

So he has donned his man hat and decided how you and he will get to the future you both want (or does he want the same?)

Give him an alternate path towards that future, with him moving into YOUR house and being financially responsible for all HIS living expenses while he is there, fully covering his cost, food, water, utilities, and if you are both still happy after six months living together in your house (don't put his name on the mortgage) an engagement ring will be forthcoming.

See how he goes with that! I will be very surprised if he doesn't balk at it. If he really loves you and wants a future together he needs to show it!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

I'd move ahead with your new home. He's had you on hold for six years. You told him what you were planning and he had no reaction. If he really wants to be with you, tell him to reimburse you the money you'll lose if you pack out of the house and see what he does.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (30 December 2014):

Keep your house. If the relationship does develop you can always rent it out at a later time and keep it as an investment property. Or if he owns a property he can let his out and move in with you. If cohabiting is sucessful you could sell up and buy a property together at a later time.

Is this the guy who wants you to move into the property he owns with his parents in a not-very-nice area??

Either way - I don't see why you purchasing a property should mean that you would have to break up with your boyfriend (unless you want to for other reasons) and why it should mean that you couldn't cohabit in the future if that's what you really want.

So buy it. It's an investment

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2014):

I would keep your house and let him figure out what to do. He should have known how much he loves you before this and made a commitment. I get the feeling he will just change his mind again if you do what he wants. I think he is manipulating you because part of him is scared at the thought of losing you and or he wants power. Don't move in with him, that way he has even more power. Get your house and take care of yourself.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 December 2014):

KEEP YOUR HOUSE!!! If he hasn't asked you to marry him and put an engagement ring on your finger after six long years; it's a no-brainer that you don't give up your investment or any other plans.

You can't even cash-in and reap your dividends on the time and emotions you've invested in that procrastinator.

Why on earth would you even consider taking him back, or moving him in with you?

NO...do not let him move into your house. You are wasting your time! He put on a good act, and convinced you how upset he was. Now he's sooooo in-love?! BOLLOCKS!!!

Then why didn't he spring a diamond ring on your dainty little ring-finger? My dear, don't you think it's time he sealed the deal?

You want marriage and a family. He wants an eternal girlfriend. Part amicably. Give him a kiss, a pat on the head; and tell him you're moving on! You caved-in because you were lonely, too used to having him around, and worried he'd find somebody else! Don't try to fool us with the sudden reconciliation.

You've bought a house, I can tell you've got it on the ball. So please don't play dumb. I'm not buying it!

I see right through you, dear lady! Give him 30 days to make up his mind; while you go about life as an independent single-woman and proud home-owner. Congrats!

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