A
female
age
41-50,
sarcy24
writes:Hi there,I wonder if anyone out there can give me some helpful advice. I have been married for 14 years and we have one son aged 10. My husband has always been a bit moody but has a City job and always worked very long hours. Since November he started coming home at 3am each night and stopped communicating with me at all. Then in mid November he came home and said he 'wanted out'. We talked but still he was very unhappy and coming home at all hours. I then started checking his phone and e-mails and it transpires he has been in a very involved relationship with another woman who he is madly in love with since Oct. After finding this out I dumped all his stuff on the doorstep swearing at him etc and the upshot is he is now living in a flat in London. He appears to be blissfully happy and says it was the best thing for him I could ever have done!!When he calls me to speak to his son he is as cold as ice and when he comes round he totally ignores me directing all questions to our son. He came for New Year and sat infront of me at the dinner table texting his girlfriend all night. I have tried talking to him as I really want him back but he just says he pities me and that I am clutching at straws as it is over. i have reviewed the past 14 years and I didn't communicate well with him but had loads of problems, still born child, post natal depression, parents death etc. What I can't cope with is the jealousy and fury I feel about the other woman - I feel I want to kill her. DH says that she is nothing to do with where we are in our relationship but it is tearing me apart. I can't sleep, eat or anything. Can anybody suggest what to do to leave him alone and calm down? Rationally I know it is nothing to do with her but it still hurts
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): I have written to you a few times here. I spent YEARS going through this, I was threatened with prison so many times if I didn't agree to contact.I had panic attacks, depression, everything, but I knew what my children wanted was no contact,and I had to endure hell from the courts to make sure they were not forced into it. Im so glad I fought because it would have been horrendous for them to stay with their father. You have to ask yourself if this is in your childs interest or yours. If you really think your child would be better off not having contact, fight it, but not because you are bitter at ex. Now, believe me, I am REALLY HAPPY now, it has taken years of my life, but I have come out the other end happier than Ive ever been, my conscience is clear. But I do get flashbacks from those terrible days of court cases, and it makes me really ill at times. It never leaves you. I really wish you well. I know what you are going through. Word of advice, DONT USE SOLICITORS. Represent yourself. All they do is take your money and put words in your mouth. You can speak for yourself.
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female
reader, TELLULAH + ♥, writes (17 July 2008):
 Sarcy, its only expensive because you both made it that way. I totally understand how upset and bitter you were, but you cannot stop this man from seeing his child, no matter how you feel about it. Because its totally un-fair on your son. You are making him choose between you, and your son will only resent this in the end.
We have all said this to you before, life isnt fair, and your ex may not his just rewards. If it were really true about Karma, wouldnt all the rapist's, Pheodophiles, and murders be wiped away.
Its a fact that life is very harsh, sometimes to people that really dont deserve it.
The best way to get back at someone that has hurt you so bad, is to not care and get on with your life. At the end of the day does it really matter what the Judge thinks of you? As long as you know that you are being a good mum, and doing all you can to not let this effect your child then that's all you can do.
I still feel that you have not let this man go yet, and until you do, you will always feel miserable.
Its in your hands sweetie.
X
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female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (17 July 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all your help. Went to court over child contact yesterday and I was practically lamblasted by the judge for not being co-operative and letting my negative feelings affect my child and his relationship with his father. They were so in favour of the father getting overnight contact it was farcical. I now have to write a statement and give him time to answer describing why he is unsuitable for overnight contact. I was painted as the black widow. Such a waste of time and effort and I was told off for 'spoon feeding' child what to say. Husband denied any drinking. It was a shambles. This has turned into an absolute nightmare and I always come of worse. I have been to court so many times now it is like my second home. I am totally at a loss now to know what to do. I know in the end he is going to achieve some form of overnight contact whether I like it or not so may be I am just not accepting the inevitable. He is so bloody sharp and I look like the bitter ex spouse. To make it worse he turned up with a fantastic tan and it was a female judge. I looked like an old tart. I seem unable to stand back and look at these things logically and accept it is a very expensive process that must be got through.
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reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (16 July 2008):
 He certainly will reap what he's sown--no doubt. My ex is already feeling the sting of wrath through so many things since our divorce--car got flooded, house plans fell through, our 12 year old dog died while in his care since he wouldn't let me take her when I left...he just recently married my boyfriends exwife (no, we didn't swap)and she's taken real ill. Give it time...all good things come to those who wait--even God's wrath to those who have it coming.
Gena
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): I'd just love to know - WHY ON EARTH did you still continue to text and respond to him?? I second the whole "Even if I give you advice you wont listen as this is simply a personal blog" but I feel compelled to ask: Why would you ever respond to such abuse?? It's like you teach a child - the more you respond to someone's taunting, the more likely they are to continue doing it as it gets a response. Show that you have some respect for you and say aloud to yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER. Tell him you dont ever want anything to do with such a scumbag - even if you dont feel that way, stating it to him will MAKE you begin to feel that way eventually.
Take a dance class, some yoga, become a reiki practitioner, join a church - do things FOR YOU for a change. Don't respond to your husband unless he responds to you in a mature manner. It's all very logical - ask yourself "If susie came to me and told me her husband did ____ to her - would I advise her to do what Im currently doing myself?" None of this "But her husband's different..." it makes no difference.
As for your husband - he cant respect you so simply drop him from your life. Ignore him -dont give him the attention he craves so much. From what I've read that is exactly what he loves - being in the spotlight, regardless of the drama it brings.
Also - go out on dates with new men. I know idea probly completely puts you off. But you must force yourself to do it. You have been abused and your perception of men is now extremely flawed. In addition, Im sure your whole "dont care" attitude (considering your mind is elsewhere) is guaranteed to make you super attractive to potential dates :) Trust me on this - please make a goal to go out with 3 different men this month. Put yourself out there and let your husband run into you one day and see the woman he once had. Either that or he sees you as a weak unkempt boring mope - the choice is yours. If anything will drive a man crazy it's you having fun without him. We already know he's not coming back - but that would be a great revenge.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): Believe me, you will hate his guts by the time this is all over. It just takes time, a roller coaster of emotions, I know what you are going through.I have gone through all that and have come out the other end in one piece, but I wil never be the same again. I dont trust anyone now, solicitors barristers etc, they are just out for themselves. My ex husband did everything in his power to make me look mental (men always do this in divorce cases) but in the end, HE got found out and lost all contact with the children. Me and the kids lost everything, house etc, he was so vindictive, even though it was him who had the affairs. You have to keep strong and dont let him win. The sad thing is you dont want to trust anyone again.
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reader, rcn + ♥, writes (11 July 2008):
 Hasn't your solicitor heard of a continuance. You have the right to be hard in all matters of law.
After these decisions are made, do you have a higher court to appeal the ruling of a lower court? I don't believe your solicitor did a job the best they can for you. In a case like yours, I would have had him leaving with his tail between his legs. I would have had an investigator tail him and his attorney to verify the possability of having a social relationship. Call her on the stand, by court order to answer to the finding, and had her removed from counsel.
If your case was at all mishandled. The higher court, if they agree may terminate the other order and reset the case for trial, or they may send down their decisions and have the court change their ruling in accordance with theirs.
It sounds like your courts may be just about as tainted as ours. It's confusing on how some of these people were ever given a position with power.
Keep your head up. Bad things happen, but it doesn't mean good can't come from the bad.
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reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (11 July 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI learned a very valuable lesson today. Was due in court today but on business so unable to attend. Solicitor and Barrister did their best for me but husand turned up and played the sympathy role so all his costs were awarded against me. So so unfair as I didn't want the divorce and he was a constant adulterer. He made me look like a nutter and judge wouldn't listen. The lesson that I have learnt once and for all is that I never want anything more to do with him because of this. It has killed my desire to ever converse or text or anything and I know I will only now deal with him through the solicitors. Although furious this has really taught me such a lesson and I will never be able to forgive him for this. To say I hate him or this is an under statement. I so hope it is true that what goes around comes around and you reap what you sow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): I cant believe that you even have the energy to see anyone new with all this going on. It took me years to get over all the emotional hurt and financial worries. Your divorce sounds trivial in comparison. My husband kept changing solicitors at the very last minute when the financial hearing was due, so by the time his new one got use to the case, all monies were dispersed. Outcome??? children all adults and hate his guts... his own fault.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Well I certainly liked the last part of your update! Enjoy the positive attention, you definitely are deserving after the dickhead.
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reader, rcn + ♥, writes (1 July 2008):
Sounds like you're doing better, as a manner of speaking. Your right it doesn't look good to the judge to drag out court.
Just a bit of warning. Seeing someone prior to the end of the divorce can be used in court as well. Legal marriage, is legal marriage until the judge says different.
Talk to your solicitor about legal fees. See if the judge have a belief he's dragging out court to cause you intentional harm, he may be responsable to pay your legal expenses as well. He must think the judge is unintelligent. How many cases has this judge presided over? What are the chances he's had to make decisions where one party drags the process? The judge has been there, seen that. To attempt to get him to believe something that is not truth, will be extremely difficult in court.
I spend many hours reading court cases. I've seen so many excuses in those attempting to avoid responsability. The most common phrase I read within the order is "We are not persuaded." Don't knock the experience of the one on the bench. Your husband may try many techniques to produce false beliefs. In doing so, teh judge just may surprise you.
Take care.
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reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (1 July 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDivorce is still going ahead although husband now takes as long as possible to respond to any paperwork at all. He is being ss difficult as he can be over paying bills and has all but opted out over anything to do with our son. He visits on his contact days for a short period of time and takes child to the pictures / lunch etc then brings him back asap. Husband will not participate in anything to do with homework, revision, extra school activities or parent/teacher events. Have been to see a psychotherapist re anxiety and stress and she has helped me see what a nasty man he really is and how he will replay this cycle throughout his entire life with others. Husband will still not speak to me, answer any texts or e-mails or anything at all preferring to go at a snails pace through his solicitor. He is being as difficult as possible always refusing to agree anything in advance so everything has to go via the court system costing thousands. My solicitor has made numerous attempts to settle upfront to avoid all these court sessions but he will not have it, always wanting to drag my arse through court. My solicitor says it does not look good infront of a judge showing you would not try to settle so we'll see.
Even with therapy and friends I still find it really hard that he won't even speak to me and cannot accept it has got to that stage even though it has. One good thing tho' I no longer have to deal with it's awful mother!
Have also started 'seeing' someone I have known for years who is totally diferent from the husband in every way and that's nice as I am getting a load of nice attention from someone so different it is refreshing.
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reader, rcn + ♥, writes (9 June 2008):
That's what you need to concentrate on. As far as his taking the solicitor out to lunch and such. Violation of ethics. People here get their licenses taken away or suspended for those behaviors.
Keep a calendar of all issues. Everytime he cancels etc, have it written down. Times he's late etc. Or anything else that can be used as evidence in a custody hearing.
Both of our laws are close in design. The #1 thing looked at in a custody hearing is "moral terpritude" (sp) The best interest of children is to grow up in a home that promotes strong character, integrity, and room for moral growth. That's determined by the morality of parent.
They also look closely at which parent will best promote a relationship between the child and the other parent. That's why it's important in these hearing that no matter how much he pushed your buttons, and plays games, you choose to allow him to play his games alone, without you stooping to his level.
When looking at incidents in court. Let's say he calls you a name, that's an issue upon itsself. Let's say to counter his behavior you then call him a name. That then becomes an issue upon itsself as well.
The fact that he calls you a name first is not relavent, what is, is you calling him a name.
The courts look at it as, each party is fully responsable for his or her own actions. If someone hits me. I have options. I don't have to hit back. That's what they are looking for is how you choose your options. It may be a normal reaction to knock the crap out of someone who hits me first, but is it right and is that the only choice I have?
Being a parent myself, I know how you feel. "Protect the child". Some parents go through extremes to do so. But most of their actions could of been done different. Don't let him get under your skin. It takes emotional control. I won custody of my daughter. I'm a single male parent. I did so, mainly because her behaviors became court issues, and not my issue. I kept my behavior in line with the outcome I was seeking. I spent 5 months studdying custody law, because I didn't want any surprises and wanted to know some of what I was doing.
It was that custody hearing that gave me the passion to attend school for law. Now I'm graduated, still a single parent and hoping to get on with a firm who deals with the system and some of the most "heart breaking" child abuse cases. But that's where I need to be, and kids need more fighting for their rights to live and be happy.
I tell you this because 1 1/2 year custody battle ultimately created a life long change in my career direction. So for that negative came a great positive. Keep positive yourself. Love your child and realize the hard work you put in is nothing compared to the love you have for your child.
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reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (9 June 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
I have said there is no problem having a DNA test but husband doesn't want to do it now - funnily enough. I know he's taking the solicitor out for meals and things but have no proof of them having sex ( apart from in my heart I know they are because I know him!) so will have to let that drop. Husband has srarted messing around with his agreed hours and days for contact - cancelling at the last minute etc etc. Child has grown bored with it all and says outright to father that he doesn't want to go to his new home just to sit there with him but wants to be doing things or else he'd rather be at home.
Husband now only very occasionally rings or contacts me in any way preferring at all times to go through his solicitor. Last contact was yesterday when he told me that he would like me to die so he never has to see me again. Charming! I still fail to see how anyone can engender suc hatred in another. It is true that the more time goes by the less it all matters. I am not fighting the divorce anymore because it is pointless and too expensive so that will go through in its own time. All that is happening now is waiting for a financial settlement offer. I still miss him and would like to talk to him about the past but as more time goes by more things come to light that are upsetting and it just opens old wounds so I keep away. I found out via a mutual aquaintance that when we had been going to Relate he had also been going to see his solicitor re a divorce and I found that unbelievable. That sought of put things into even greater perspective that you think someone cares and is really trying yet all the while they are doing that behind your back. I can't win on any of this apart from financially so that is what I am going to concentrate on.
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reader, lollipop624 +, writes (8 June 2008):
Make a list of all the negative things you remember in your relationship and read the list when you feel out of control.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2008):
Sarcy, be very careful if you decide to check out his involvement with his lawyer. You don't want to be charged with stalking. However the aunts are right IF he is involved with her, and you can prove it, you'll be sitting in the catbird seat. As far as you son is conserned, insist on a DNA test.
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reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 May 2008):
You can withdraw from your attorney/solicitor; however, you shouldn't write HIS attorney asking how things would go if you ask for a settlement. That puts you in HIS court and at their mercy. YOU DON'T WANT THAT
Do your homework and find out where/when he's dating his solicitor--get pictures, written statements from witnesses, involve a close friend and 'play detective.' I did with my separation/divorce and had lots of proof up front. Have your solicitor present this to his solicitor up front and I guarantee you they will settle WELL to you and out of court and you'll get your divorce.
If you do the legwork, it won't cost you anything but your pride to do it. And in the long run, it is WELL worth the effort.
Gena
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): My husband was giving MY SOLICITOR back handers (cash in hand) to lose vital papers, and say she didn't receive them from me etc etc. I will NEVER trust a solicitor or lawyer again. I lost everything in my divorce, while he got the lot. I hope you are at last over this moron, I know it takes time, but men get very cruel when a relationship is over, the only thing they care about then is the money side (even over the children) Im not saying all of them are like that, but most im sorry to say, are.
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reader, rcn + ♥, writes (27 May 2008):
If you can establish proof of his dating his solicitor, that should establish a conflict of interest, which would pull her off the case, and may cause issues with her ability to continue law.
I woulnd't accept less than what you feel you deserve as a settlement. What he's doing is not right. Talk to your solicitor, they may give a reduced rate or know someone who may represent this case at no cost (probono).
I hope everything works out for you.
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reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (24 May 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLatest news husand now says he is going to contest being childs father and has denied adultery on my divorce petition. Now feel in no mans land as am running out of funds and he has endless funds for his solicitor. I just can't be bothered to deal with his crap anymore. Found out by accident that he had been checking into a divorce with his solicitor when he was still living with me so was apparently 'trying' with me while all the time was doing this behind my back. It also appears from something a mutual source said that he is now 'dating' his solicitor. I can no longer afford to keep contesting and defending anything and would like to know if all the Aunts out there think it would be best just to go with him doing me for unreasonable behaviour just to get on with it and stop wasting any more money. People have told me it matters not a jot what is on the decree absolute anyway. I am SO tired of this and can see no end. I believe if he wants to say my son isn't his then he has reduced right over him with regard to most things. I appreciate this is a ruse for him to have to pay less money but so below the belt! Obviously I have not contacted him in any way shape or form but this is despicable behaviour. I would also like to know if it is possible to withdraw from a solicitor and to write a letter to his solicitor saying I want this to be dealt with as quickly and cheaply as possible and to ask for him to suggest a financial settlement or if it all has to proceed with barristers etc through the courts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): 10 years later after my divorce, I can totally understand how you feel at the moment, but I only wish someone had given me all the advice you are getting. My husband played terrible mental cruelty games with me over the house etc, and I was so emotionally destroyed he left me with nothing. Solicitors started a war between us which still continues to this day, although I am now happily remarried, he is also married but not so happyily.! GOOD. I was a real fool and let my emotions take over from logic and he made sure he got the lot. Good luck. p.s. all these injunctions etc are not worth the paper they are written on, he tried all that with me, but the courts know all these games. Ignore that and concentrate on FINANCES. That is the most important thing in the end, you will find that out.
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reader, rcn + ♥, writes (15 May 2008):
If he seeks an injunction, a hearing should be set to answer to it. If his calls were done by home phone, have your phone company pull a copy of those records which show his phone calls to you. If they are done by cell phone, your bill should automatically have all incoming and outgoing phone calls listed.
Try to think of days and times he called, and as much as you can remember regarding the contents of the message.
What I want you to remember going into this, is the Judge. A judge has been trained, and has usually been a solicitor for a great many years prior to being a judge. His behavior. His method of making phone calls and making threats, I guarantee is not the first time the judge has seen it being used. People sometimes thing, this only happens to me. The judge won't believe me. Right, they've been there, seen that, heard that.
The only message you should directly send him during this time is: If you have anything to say, do so through my solicitor.
I know it will work out for you. You need to stay strong. These threats should be brought up and he should be questioned regarding them in court.
Take care.
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reader, Twirly + ♥, writes (15 May 2008):
 Hi Sarcy,
Im so glad to hear you say that, Im going 'Yey' from here in Yorkkshire!
Try very hard not to answer the phone to him or respond to any of his texts. Let him leave messages and only responde if absolutley necessary.
Good luck and stay strong, this horrible man has run you ragged this past 18 months and you really deserve a break.
Loads of love x x x
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reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (15 May 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who have helped by offering advice and sharing their stories. Things have gone from bad to worse. Husband has started ringing a lot as the divorce is going through because he is concerned about money. He is exceptionally abusive threatening and nasty but clever as everything he does is verbal threats. I have responded to these threats by text so now he has a selection of texts from me making me look like I am harrassing him. I received a letter today from his solicitors telling me that he is going to take an injunction out on me for harrassment. This although a horrible thing to have done to you has actually made me see the light and realise what a horrible, horrible person he is. He has played numerous games of mental torture with me over am I allowed to stay in the house, he is going to leave us penniless etc and me like a fool responded. I have finally seen the light. I have stopped faffing around and told the solicitor to go for the quickest and cheapest option regarding the divorce just to save money. As you all said no one gives a monkeys about what the divorce says or who did what to whom. Nobody even sees it. I have been a bloody fool but no more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I never witness my huisband cheating but I did leave him for other reasons. But I know exactly how you feel. I have not seen him with another woman but I feel in my heart that he has moved on. The only thing I can suggest, that is helping me is, stop letting him know that you are feeling this way, even when you know you are. When someone feels like they have the best of you it is a turn off. But when you walk with confidence and ignore him, he will start to wonder what is goin on with you. You are putting him a peddle stool and stroking his ego by reacting the way you are. STOP IT! But first you need to focus on you and not him. I know it is easier said than done because my husband acts the same exact way. When I go off on him it is like he is laughing at me because he feels that he has won and that he has me where he wants me. Then I feel bad and mad, mad at myself for letting him know that he can still get to me by ignoring me. Now I have starting acting like him, ignoring him, when he calls regarding our children I act plain , he gets no reaction from me. I have noticed that he stays on the phone a bit longer than before. I do not call him for anytning or react to what he says. But I am focusing on myself and getting confidence again and men know when you get your confidence back it is very attractive to them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): What do you want him back for? He's moody, selfish and inconsiderate.
He doesn't want to come back anyway.
Try to remain civil for the sake of your son but I think you have to accept that your marriage is over and you need to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): Uncle phil is spot on. I let lawyers 'fight it out' in my divorce and it cost me my home and everything in it. I ended up in rented accomodation when my house was sold to pay legal fees. What did I gain from even using lawyers in the first place?? nothing absolutely nothing. They are not on your side or his, they are on their own side, making as much money out of you as they can, and they will string it along for years if they have to. When I found out my solicitors and my husbands came from the same chambers and best friends!!!!
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reader, TELLULAH + ♥, writes (2 May 2008):
Uncle Phil is right babe!! dont hang it out anymore than you have to. Except he is gone and have a good cry, but for goodness sake dont let those solicitors have any more of your money. Even if they get him to admit he is the biggest ar**hole in the country, what effect will it have on you really. He will still be gone. You need to thank your lucky stars that he did go, and you found out what an ar** he is before you wasted anymore of your life.
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reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Christ almighty, you don't listen do you?
If you leave it to the lawyers to fight it out they'll string it along as far as possible! Every time they make a phone call or write a letter or spend any time at all looking at your file - YOU PAY FOR IT! It's how they earn their living. They're no different to the plumber who charges per hour or part thereof. 61 minutes work and you pay for two hours worth! It's why they drive flash cars and take three or for luxurious holidays per year.
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!
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reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (2 May 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right I am being very weak and now have to get on with things. I kept hoping desperately things would change but they never do they just get worse so I will pull myself together , admit to myself it is over and try to move forward and obviously never ring him again! I am paying enough so the lawyers can fight it out on my behalf.
Thank you all for your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): I agree you are not taking a blind bit of notice to the advice given here from us women who have been through it all.Why are we bothering? you just seem to want to write a diary of your feelings. You will end up losing everything if you dont listen to advice. You rang him? that says everything, that you just want him back regardless of what he has done. Listen get on with your own life, stand on your own two feet, we have and survived. He will walk all over you if you have him back now. I cant believe some women are so stupid. Im not advising you any more because you dont take it. Dont be so weak. He made a fool of you, now take control and realise you dont need him. He will despise you for being so weak. Trust me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): I have said this before and will say it again, this thread is a journal for you as you don't ever respond to any of the advice that so many people have given and continue to give.
You're going to do as you please over this and nothing anyone says here will make a blind bit of difference.
I can't believe you called him!
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reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (1 May 2008):
I've only just noticed this thread, so am not really up to speed on proceedings, but my advice to you would be to go with the flow and get the divorce over and done with as quickly and cheaply as possible.
Arguing over semantics and pedantry is just going to cost you dearly. What difference do you think it will make to anything once you are divorced? I can tell you it won't make the slightest bit of difference. Divorce is divorce - two people who have decided to go their own way in the world. If there's kids involved then he should expect to have to pay for their upkeep, but once they've fled the nest that's it - you can't expect him to be your meal ticket for life.
If you want to go and dig your heels in then you can expect to pay dearly for it and the only winners will be the bloody lawyers - as was ever the case!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Having the adultery on record doesn’t make a blind bit of difference to anyone but if you fight over petty things it will cost you dearly financially. You have trouble with the idea that the relationship is over. The reasons will not affect the outcome or what the judge does. It is over and you should think about cutting free as cleanly as possible. Divorce courts are no place to try and take revenge because the only person who pays will be you. The adultery will not be "on record" in any meaningful sense at all. Nobody will know, no front page news. Your best revenge is to get shot and retain as much pride a possible. This struggle that you engage in does not do you justice.
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reader, TELLULAH + ♥, writes (1 May 2008):
Honey!! I cant believe that you called him. Its so obvious that he doesnt want anything to do with you, why keep hurting yourself. You know deep down that the only reason you called him was to get him to respond to you!! I dont know why you bother?
The man is a pig, let him go. You will never have a good relationship with him (if at all) if you dont let go and move on. Its very sad, and I know that he wants it all his way, and that must seem very unfair to you. But it doesnt matter if you divorced him for being untidy or a rapist, no one will care. The important thing is that you get as much cash as you can to set yourself and your son up fiancially. Why give it to a solicitor?. I think the reason that he is so angry is because you wont let go, and continually hold out hope of some kind of reconciliation.
You have to get it into your head this is not going to happen. I dont want to sound mean, and I know exactly how you feel, I have been through this myself.
For your own sake, divoce the bugger and get on with your life.
It will get better.
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reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (1 May 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been a bit brighter recently and found that I can actually do things by myself without the help of a man. Had major problem with the car which lost all its electrics on the motorway which was terrifying in rush hour and son was with me.Called husband to ask if we were covered by Rac / AA etc and he was incredibly abusive to me and didn't help at all. In the end I dealt with all of this myself tow truck, garage etc. This might seem like nothing to normal women but I've not had to deal with this kind of thing for years and I found I could do it - so one less thing I need him for. He is now refusing to return the adultery divorce papers saying he wants me to accept his unreasonable behaviour only and providing a list of reasons made up by himself - all of them being rather two faced and open to interpretation. My lawyer says I should just go with it as this whole thing is going to cost in excess of £30k but I really want the adultery on record. Husband is behaving like a nutter screaming abuse at me and bemoaning his financial situation. I still try reasoning with him although I know it is all a lost cause. The man is bonkers! All he ever says is that I should be supporting myself financially and not draining him but I think he should pay for us considering what he has done. I am still sad as I try to reason with him and I try to take on board his feelings and views but absolutely everything is hurled back at me. All my friendes say leave well alone and deal only via the solicitor but that costs about another £300 everytime you do and I haven't got the money and I think it is pointless if it is over something you can agree on the phone. I suppose I have to just accept that this guy will not and doe |
