A
female
age
41-50,
*arcy24
writes:Hi there,I wonder if anyone out there can give me some helpful advice. I have been married for 14 years and we have one son aged 10. My husband has always been a bit moody but has a City job and always worked very long hours. Since November he started coming home at 3am each night and stopped communicating with me at all. Then in mid November he came home and said he 'wanted out'. We talked but still he was very unhappy and coming home at all hours. I then started checking his phone and e-mails and it transpires he has been in a very involved relationship with another woman who he is madly in love with since Oct. After finding this out I dumped all his stuff on the doorstep swearing at him etc and the upshot is he is now living in a flat in London. He appears to be blissfully happy and says it was the best thing for him I could ever have done!!When he calls me to speak to his son he is as cold as ice and when he comes round he totally ignores me directing all questions to our son. He came for New Year and sat infront of me at the dinner table texting his girlfriend all night. I have tried talking to him as I really want him back but he just says he pities me and that I am clutching at straws as it is over. i have reviewed the past 14 years and I didn't communicate well with him but had loads of problems, still born child, post natal depression, parents death etc. What I can't cope with is the jealousy and fury I feel about the other woman - I feel I want to kill her. DH says that she is nothing to do with where we are in our relationship but it is tearing me apart. I can't sleep, eat or anything. Can anybody suggest what to do to leave him alone and calm down? Rationally I know it is nothing to do with her but it still hurts
View related questions:
jealous, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, sammydabull  +, writes (27 July 2009):
what ever you do stay away from country music. you need to find friends to help you get through this. maybe church,some social events. i kno its hard i went through the same thing when you look at your son you see him. dont worry your self just stay strong. and when you find mr. right he will be the one hurting.
A
female
reader, kiamota +, writes (16 June 2009):
You must learn to let go of this man. True, you want him back, but he has clearly made his decision. He might still love you for having his child, but does not love you the way a husband should love the woman he is married to. Although it hurts, it will only continue to hurt even more if you decide to hang on to a lost dream. Just as he has moved on with his life, you must do the same. First, consider divorcing him, legally. Then, perhaps you will see your way clear. If he is not willing to stay with you, there is nothing you can do. It seems as though, you have tried everything under the sun. I know, prayer can help, too. If God is not bringing him back to you....then so be it! That is your answer. You are probably better off without him. Just be patient and someone will come into your life that will deserve you and you will deserve him. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee. If he does not want you, then you should not want him. Think more of yourself, young lady. Remember, you have a child to raise. Let your focus be on that child, and not that man who doesn't appreciate you. Begin to appreciate and embrass who you are and what you are about. Start living.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (6 April 2009):
 Glad to hear that, I'm really pleased for you honey. Take care and enjoy your new life...you certainly deserve it.
XXXX
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (27 March 2009):
 Best of Luck to you. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 March 2009):
 I love happy endings! Best wishes on your new relationship, Lord knows you deserve it after all you've been through! You are going to stay with us too I hope.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (27 March 2009):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Really this is a thank you note to everyone who helped me over the last 2 very stressful years. I am now happily divorced and got a good payout and am getting married again in December to a very different type who treats me very well and actually loves me for me. All of you Aunts and Uncles helped me get through this so a big thank you from my heart to all of you who gave their time to help me during a very unhappy and stressful time. xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): my husband walked out just three weeks after having out second child, he said he was leaving for a little space. I then found out that he'd beed havin an affair with the new girl at work. he broke my heart. i loved him so much i was willing to forgive him just so he'd come home. this has been going on for six months now, he comes into my home messes with my head and leaves again. he tells me he loves me etc. but ive learnt how to deal with him enjoying seeing me hurt, my point is, if your husband really loved you he wouldnt of got into a relationship with anyone else. if he can do it once he'll always do it. your husband should love you unconditionally, but would he? NO. your batter off without him. men always seem to come out on top first, but in the long run you'l be happier. im a strong beleiver in what go's around comes around. be strong and never forgive him because if you did he'd do it again xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (16 October 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update really. Just come back from court where the interim finances were discussed and to my amazement i got a lot more money than I was hoping for so that has made me chipper. husband still wouldn't look at me or speak to me. He quite clearly has another life as he no longer sees our son and has absolutely nothing to do with us at all - all bills, communications go through lawyers. The more time that has gone on for me the less angry I feel about it all, some goings on I can hardly remember now and my son and I have sunk into a routine that doesn't include him and we are quite ok. Ex husband looks shifty, guilty and stressed. I still miss what I had and the length of time we were together but have accepted it is dead and buried. I presume he has a woman and another family hidden away that we are not privvy knowing about but it no longer bothers me or rankles with me in any way now. I have a number of 'boyfriends' who take me for meals etc and it is quite nice but I have no intention of getting into another relationship with anyone. Ex husband still looked very atractive and was charming the barristers but I saw him for what he really is and just smiled and waved at him and moved on.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (17 September 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStill fighting over the money. Ex husband will fight over 50p. I have tried myself and via my solicitors to negotiate a reasonable settlement but all he wants is us out of the marital home so it can be sold and he gets his bit. This is a moot point with me as my inheritance gave me the money for the deposit so I don't feel inclined to move. This chap earns a fortune and I mean a fortune so the quibbling over him paying school fees etc and a £110 gas bill is unbelievable. He is meant to have put all bills on standing order but hasn't and it takes 2 letters from sols and 10 texts for him to pay anything. He has just relaunched his company and there are photos of him in all the papers and everytime I see anything i want to write in and say look at this man and how he treats his family. It is absolutely shameful. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that our son told him he never wanted any overnight contact with him and explained why and apparently the ex is going to stop pursuing that angle through the courts. Recently he has started sending me texts saying that he wished he had never laid eyes on me and that I have ruined his life and I just send back I love you too sweetie. I fully believe that what goes aroung comes around and you reap what you sow and this chap is in for a rocky ride. On occasion I still miss him even after all of this but think it is more just the companionship and security of what you know. Have had quite a few dates and some have been nice but I am not ready for anybody else yet and still sadly compare them instantly to what I had which makes things very difficult and isn't remotely fair so am going to leave alone for a while.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): My advice is to book yourself into a local spa with one of your closest friends so that you can unwind. Then go to the library and pick yourself up a few books e.g. healthy eating, self motivation and a magazine with all the latest jewellery, clothes and fashion tips. Once you have read all of these books and magazines write down all the things that have stood out and are positve things that you would like to change in your life. Then one day at a time apply them. This maybe changing your wardrobe to changing what fruit you eat. These changes will help you and also change your state of mind. Stay true to yourself and only good will come to you. Believe in what you're trying to achieve and it will come to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): Props to you! Now you simply need some confidence building. That and only that will finally make you view this from an outsider's perspective. Make a list of all the things you do right, and all the things he did or does wrong. Any time you feel sad or angsty read it.
What is it you would tell the next potential man of your dreams, "My ex husband was the most wonderful man! He married me, left me for another woman, was an alcoholic, then ceased contact with me altogether - unless he needed somethign...etc etc." Sounds ridiculous - but imagine yourself telling another man that - that's how insane it would sound.
I would recommend checking out www.datingwithoutdrama.com - sign up for the free emails and build some confidence within yourself. If you like what you read - feel free to purchase the download - I did and I finally feel like the fox I am - you should too! "No man is worth your tears - and the one who is wouldnt cause them!"
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 August 2008):
Congrats on finally getting the divorce from that louse. And you are exactly right, payback is going to be a bitch for him. Karma hates assholes like him. Your trust will return and happiness is right around the corner for you. You are a lovely woman, Sarcy, and you've made us very proud.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (12 August 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGot back from court last week and I am now officially divorced, just the finances and child contact issues to contend with. Husband read out this long statement detailing all my faults from 15 years back. My barrister said just to switch off. Funny thing was the judge told the ex-husband that he was mean spirited and asked him what the point was of reading out all this irrelevant stuff as he was getting a non contested divorce and surely that was all that mattered. It was strange looking at this strange man saying all these awful things about me and he was still wearing all the clothes I had bought him. Have had a lot of counselling recently as I am still finding it hard to accept that someone you were with for so long wants nothing more to do with you and this weekly counselling has helped me a lot. We only communicate through the lawyers even over the child as if I get anything from him it is phrased in such a way that it really puts my back up so I can only deal with him if I go through a solicitor. So much time has gone by and I feel like someone in the background watching this scene being played out infront of me. I still cannot believe another human being would treat one in such a way but he is and life is not fair so I just have to run with it. I still elieve in what oe around come around so I feel his time will come. Everything now revolves around the financials so that will be another load of hassle with him hiding and pretending that he has less etc.
On a separate note I have had lots of invites out for dates etc but I am taking my time on this a I am happy on my own for now and the trut issue has become so important.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (17 July 2008):
Sarcy, its only expensive because you both made it that way. I totally understand how upset and bitter you were, but you cannot stop this man from seeing his child, no matter how you feel about it. Because its totally un-fair on your son. You are making him choose between you, and your son will only resent this in the end.
We have all said this to you before, life isnt fair, and your ex may not his just rewards. If it were really true about Karma, wouldnt all the rapist's, Pheodophiles, and murders be wiped away.
Its a fact that life is very harsh, sometimes to people that really dont deserve it.
The best way to get back at someone that has hurt you so bad, is to not care and get on with your life. At the end of the day does it really matter what the Judge thinks of you? As long as you know that you are being a good mum, and doing all you can to not let this effect your child then that's all you can do.
I still feel that you have not let this man go yet, and until you do, you will always feel miserable.
Its in your hands sweetie.
X
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (17 July 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your help. Went to court over child contact yesterday and I was practically lamblasted by the judge for not being co-operative and letting my negative feelings affect my child and his relationship with his father. They were so in favour of the father getting overnight contact it was farcical. I now have to write a statement and give him time to answer describing why he is unsuitable for overnight contact. I was painted as the black widow. Such a waste of time and effort and I was told off for 'spoon feeding' child what to say. Husband denied any drinking. It was a shambles. This has turned into an absolute nightmare and I always come of worse. I have been to court so many times now it is like my second home. I am totally at a loss now to know what to do. I know in the end he is going to achieve some form of overnight contact whether I like it or not so may be I am just not accepting the inevitable. He is so bloody sharp and I look like the bitter ex spouse. To make it worse he turned up with a fantastic tan and it was a female judge. I looked like an old tart. I seem unable to stand back and look at these things logically and accept it is a very expensive process that must be got through.
...............................
A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (16 July 2008):
 He certainly will reap what he's sown--no doubt. My ex is already feeling the sting of wrath through so many things since our divorce--car got flooded, house plans fell through, our 12 year old dog died while in his care since he wouldn't let me take her when I left...he just recently married my boyfriends exwife (no, we didn't swap)and she's taken real ill. Give it time...all good things come to those who wait--even God's wrath to those who have it coming.
Gena
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): I'd just love to know - WHY ON EARTH did you still continue to text and respond to him?? I second the whole "Even if I give you advice you wont listen as this is simply a personal blog" but I feel compelled to ask: Why would you ever respond to such abuse?? It's like you teach a child - the more you respond to someone's taunting, the more likely they are to continue doing it as it gets a response. Show that you have some respect for you and say aloud to yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER. Tell him you dont ever want anything to do with such a scumbag - even if you dont feel that way, stating it to him will MAKE you begin to feel that way eventually.
Take a dance class, some yoga, become a reiki practitioner, join a church - do things FOR YOU for a change. Don't respond to your husband unless he responds to you in a mature manner. It's all very logical - ask yourself "If susie came to me and told me her husband did ____ to her - would I advise her to do what Im currently doing myself?" None of this "But her husband's different..." it makes no difference.
As for your husband - he cant respect you so simply drop him from your life. Ignore him -dont give him the attention he craves so much. From what I've read that is exactly what he loves - being in the spotlight, regardless of the drama it brings.
Also - go out on dates with new men. I know idea probly completely puts you off. But you must force yourself to do it. You have been abused and your perception of men is now extremely flawed. In addition, Im sure your whole "dont care" attitude (considering your mind is elsewhere) is guaranteed to make you super attractive to potential dates :) Trust me on this - please make a goal to go out with 3 different men this month. Put yourself out there and let your husband run into you one day and see the woman he once had. Either that or he sees you as a weak unkempt boring mope - the choice is yours. If anything will drive a man crazy it's you having fun without him. We already know he's not coming back - but that would be a great revenge.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (11 July 2008):
Hasn't your solicitor heard of a continuance. You have the right to be hard in all matters of law.
After these decisions are made, do you have a higher court to appeal the ruling of a lower court? I don't believe your solicitor did a job the best they can for you. In a case like yours, I would have had him leaving with his tail between his legs. I would have had an investigator tail him and his attorney to verify the possability of having a social relationship. Call her on the stand, by court order to answer to the finding, and had her removed from counsel.
If your case was at all mishandled. The higher court, if they agree may terminate the other order and reset the case for trial, or they may send down their decisions and have the court change their ruling in accordance with theirs.
It sounds like your courts may be just about as tainted as ours. It's confusing on how some of these people were ever given a position with power.
Keep your head up. Bad things happen, but it doesn't mean good can't come from the bad.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (11 July 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI learned a very valuable lesson today. Was due in court today but on business so unable to attend. Solicitor and Barrister did their best for me but husand turned up and played the sympathy role so all his costs were awarded against me. So so unfair as I didn't want the divorce and he was a constant adulterer. He made me look like a nutter and judge wouldn't listen. The lesson that I have learnt once and for all is that I never want anything more to do with him because of this. It has killed my desire to ever converse or text or anything and I know I will only now deal with him through the solicitors. Although furious this has really taught me such a lesson and I will never be able to forgive him for this. To say I hate him or this is an under statement. I so hope it is true that what goes around comes around and you reap what you sow.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 July 2008):
Well I certainly liked the last part of your update! Enjoy the positive attention, you definitely are deserving after the dickhead.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (1 July 2008):
Sounds like you're doing better, as a manner of speaking. Your right it doesn't look good to the judge to drag out court.
Just a bit of warning. Seeing someone prior to the end of the divorce can be used in court as well. Legal marriage, is legal marriage until the judge says different.
Talk to your solicitor about legal fees. See if the judge have a belief he's dragging out court to cause you intentional harm, he may be responsable to pay your legal expenses as well. He must think the judge is unintelligent. How many cases has this judge presided over? What are the chances he's had to make decisions where one party drags the process? The judge has been there, seen that. To attempt to get him to believe something that is not truth, will be extremely difficult in court.
I spend many hours reading court cases. I've seen so many excuses in those attempting to avoid responsability. The most common phrase I read within the order is "We are not persuaded." Don't knock the experience of the one on the bench. Your husband may try many techniques to produce false beliefs. In doing so, teh judge just may surprise you.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (1 July 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDivorce is still going ahead although husband now takes as long as possible to respond to any paperwork at all. He is being ss difficult as he can be over paying bills and has all but opted out over anything to do with our son. He visits on his contact days for a short period of time and takes child to the pictures / lunch etc then brings him back asap. Husband will not participate in anything to do with homework, revision, extra school activities or parent/teacher events. Have been to see a psychotherapist re anxiety and stress and she has helped me see what a nasty man he really is and how he will replay this cycle throughout his entire life with others. Husband will still not speak to me, answer any texts or e-mails or anything at all preferring to go at a snails pace through his solicitor. He is being as difficult as possible always refusing to agree anything in advance so everything has to go via the court system costing thousands. My solicitor has made numerous attempts to settle upfront to avoid all these court sessions but he will not have it, always wanting to drag my arse through court. My solicitor says it does not look good infront of a judge showing you would not try to settle so we'll see.
Even with therapy and friends I still find it really hard that he won't even speak to me and cannot accept it has got to that stage even though it has. One good thing tho' I no longer have to deal with it's awful mother!
Have also started 'seeing' someone I have known for years who is totally diferent from the husband in every way and that's nice as I am getting a load of nice attention from someone so different it is refreshing.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (9 June 2008):
That's what you need to concentrate on. As far as his taking the solicitor out to lunch and such. Violation of ethics. People here get their licenses taken away or suspended for those behaviors.
Keep a calendar of all issues. Everytime he cancels etc, have it written down. Times he's late etc. Or anything else that can be used as evidence in a custody hearing.
Both of our laws are close in design. The #1 thing looked at in a custody hearing is "moral terpritude" (sp) The best interest of children is to grow up in a home that promotes strong character, integrity, and room for moral growth. That's determined by the morality of parent.
They also look closely at which parent will best promote a relationship between the child and the other parent. That's why it's important in these hearing that no matter how much he pushed your buttons, and plays games, you choose to allow him to play his games alone, without you stooping to his level.
When looking at incidents in court. Let's say he calls you a name, that's an issue upon itsself. Let's say to counter his behavior you then call him a name. That then becomes an issue upon itsself as well.
The fact that he calls you a name first is not relavent, what is, is you calling him a name.
The courts look at it as, each party is fully responsable for his or her own actions. If someone hits me. I have options. I don't have to hit back. That's what they are looking for is how you choose your options. It may be a normal reaction to knock the crap out of someone who hits me first, but is it right and is that the only choice I have?
Being a parent myself, I know how you feel. "Protect the child". Some parents go through extremes to do so. But most of their actions could of been done different. Don't let him get under your skin. It takes emotional control. I won custody of my daughter. I'm a single male parent. I did so, mainly because her behaviors became court issues, and not my issue. I kept my behavior in line with the outcome I was seeking. I spent 5 months studdying custody law, because I didn't want any surprises and wanted to know some of what I was doing.
It was that custody hearing that gave me the passion to attend school for law. Now I'm graduated, still a single parent and hoping to get on with a firm who deals with the system and some of the most "heart breaking" child abuse cases. But that's where I need to be, and kids need more fighting for their rights to live and be happy.
I tell you this because 1 1/2 year custody battle ultimately created a life long change in my career direction. So for that negative came a great positive. Keep positive yourself. Love your child and realize the hard work you put in is nothing compared to the love you have for your child.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (9 June 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
I have said there is no problem having a DNA test but husband doesn't want to do it now - funnily enough. I know he's taking the solicitor out for meals and things but have no proof of them having sex ( apart from in my heart I know they are because I know him!) so will have to let that drop. Husband has srarted messing around with his agreed hours and days for contact - cancelling at the last minute etc etc. Child has grown bored with it all and says outright to father that he doesn't want to go to his new home just to sit there with him but wants to be doing things or else he'd rather be at home.
Husband now only very occasionally rings or contacts me in any way preferring at all times to go through his solicitor. Last contact was yesterday when he told me that he would like me to die so he never has to see me again. Charming! I still fail to see how anyone can engender suc hatred in another. It is true that the more time goes by the less it all matters. I am not fighting the divorce anymore because it is pointless and too expensive so that will go through in its own time. All that is happening now is waiting for a financial settlement offer. I still miss him and would like to talk to him about the past but as more time goes by more things come to light that are upsetting and it just opens old wounds so I keep away. I found out via a mutual aquaintance that when we had been going to Relate he had also been going to see his solicitor re a divorce and I found that unbelievable. That sought of put things into even greater perspective that you think someone cares and is really trying yet all the while they are doing that behind your back. I can't win on any of this apart from financially so that is what I am going to concentrate on.
...............................
A
female
reader, lollipop624 +, writes (8 June 2008):
Make a list of all the negative things you remember in your relationship and read the list when you feel out of control.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2008):
Sarcy, be very careful if you decide to check out his involvement with his lawyer. You don't want to be charged with stalking. However the aunts are right IF he is involved with her, and you can prove it, you'll be sitting in the catbird seat. As far as you son is conserned, insist on a DNA test.
...............................
A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 May 2008):
You can withdraw from your attorney/solicitor; however, you shouldn't write HIS attorney asking how things would go if you ask for a settlement. That puts you in HIS court and at their mercy. YOU DON'T WANT THAT
Do your homework and find out where/when he's dating his solicitor--get pictures, written statements from witnesses, involve a close friend and 'play detective.' I did with my separation/divorce and had lots of proof up front. Have your solicitor present this to his solicitor up front and I guarantee you they will settle WELL to you and out of court and you'll get your divorce.
If you do the legwork, it won't cost you anything but your pride to do it. And in the long run, it is WELL worth the effort.
Gena
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (27 May 2008):
If you can establish proof of his dating his solicitor, that should establish a conflict of interest, which would pull her off the case, and may cause issues with her ability to continue law.
I woulnd't accept less than what you feel you deserve as a settlement. What he's doing is not right. Talk to your solicitor, they may give a reduced rate or know someone who may represent this case at no cost (probono).
I hope everything works out for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (24 May 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLatest news husand now says he is going to contest being childs father and has denied adultery on my divorce petition. Now feel in no mans land as am running out of funds and he has endless funds for his solicitor. I just can't be bothered to deal with his crap anymore. Found out by accident that he had been checking into a divorce with his solicitor when he was still living with me so was apparently 'trying' with me while all the time was doing this behind my back. It also appears from something a mutual source said that he is now 'dating' his solicitor. I can no longer afford to keep contesting and defending anything and would like to know if all the Aunts out there think it would be best just to go with him doing me for unreasonable behaviour just to get on with it and stop wasting any more money. People have told me it matters not a jot what is on the decree absolute anyway. I am SO tired of this and can see no end. I believe if he wants to say my son isn't his then he has reduced right over him with regard to most things. I appreciate this is a ruse for him to have to pay less money but so below the belt! Obviously I have not contacted him in any way shape or form but this is despicable behaviour. I would also like to know if it is possible to withdraw from a solicitor and to write a letter to his solicitor saying I want this to be dealt with as quickly and cheaply as possible and to ask for him to suggest a financial settlement or if it all has to proceed with barristers etc through the courts?
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (15 May 2008):
If he seeks an injunction, a hearing should be set to answer to it. If his calls were done by home phone, have your phone company pull a copy of those records which show his phone calls to you. If they are done by cell phone, your bill should automatically have all incoming and outgoing phone calls listed.
Try to think of days and times he called, and as much as you can remember regarding the contents of the message.
What I want you to remember going into this, is the Judge. A judge has been trained, and has usually been a solicitor for a great many years prior to being a judge. His behavior. His method of making phone calls and making threats, I guarantee is not the first time the judge has seen it being used. People sometimes thing, this only happens to me. The judge won't believe me. Right, they've been there, seen that, heard that.
The only message you should directly send him during this time is: If you have anything to say, do so through my solicitor.
I know it will work out for you. You need to stay strong. These threats should be brought up and he should be questioned regarding them in court.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (15 May 2008):
 Hi Sarcy,
Im so glad to hear you say that, Im going 'Yey' from here in Yorkkshire!
Try very hard not to answer the phone to him or respond to any of his texts. Let him leave messages and only responde if absolutley necessary.
Good luck and stay strong, this horrible man has run you ragged this past 18 months and you really deserve a break.
Loads of love x x x
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (15 May 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who have helped by offering advice and sharing their stories. Things have gone from bad to worse. Husband has started ringing a lot as the divorce is going through because he is concerned about money. He is exceptionally abusive threatening and nasty but clever as everything he does is verbal threats. I have responded to these threats by text so now he has a selection of texts from me making me look like I am harrassing him. I received a letter today from his solicitors telling me that he is going to take an injunction out on me for harrassment. This although a horrible thing to have done to you has actually made me see the light and realise what a horrible, horrible person he is. He has played numerous games of mental torture with me over am I allowed to stay in the house, he is going to leave us penniless etc and me like a fool responded. I have finally seen the light. I have stopped faffing around and told the solicitor to go for the quickest and cheapest option regarding the divorce just to save money. As you all said no one gives a monkeys about what the divorce says or who did what to whom. Nobody even sees it. I have been a bloody fool but no more.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I never witness my huisband cheating but I did leave him for other reasons. But I know exactly how you feel. I have not seen him with another woman but I feel in my heart that he has moved on. The only thing I can suggest, that is helping me is, stop letting him know that you are feeling this way, even when you know you are. When someone feels like they have the best of you it is a turn off. But when you walk with confidence and ignore him, he will start to wonder what is goin on with you. You are putting him a peddle stool and stroking his ego by reacting the way you are. STOP IT! But first you need to focus on you and not him. I know it is easier said than done because my husband acts the same exact way. When I go off on him it is like he is laughing at me because he feels that he has won and that he has me where he wants me. Then I feel bad and mad, mad at myself for letting him know that he can still get to me by ignoring me. Now I have starting acting like him, ignoring him, when he calls regarding our children I act plain , he gets no reaction from me. I have noticed that he stays on the phone a bit longer than before. I do not call him for anytning or react to what he says. But I am focusing on myself and getting confidence again and men know when you get your confidence back it is very attractive to them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): What do you want him back for? He's moody, selfish and inconsiderate.
He doesn't want to come back anyway.
Try to remain civil for the sake of your son but I think you have to accept that your marriage is over and you need to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 May 2008):
Uncle Phil is right babe!! dont hang it out anymore than you have to. Except he is gone and have a good cry, but for goodness sake dont let those solicitors have any more of your money. Even if they get him to admit he is the biggest ar**hole in the country, what effect will it have on you really. He will still be gone. You need to thank your lucky stars that he did go, and you found out what an ar** he is before you wasted anymore of your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): Christ almighty, you don't listen do you?
If you leave it to the lawyers to fight it out they'll string it along as far as possible! Every time they make a phone call or write a letter or spend any time at all looking at your file - YOU PAY FOR IT! It's how they earn their living. They're no different to the plumber who charges per hour or part thereof. 61 minutes work and you pay for two hours worth! It's why they drive flash cars and take three or for luxurious holidays per year.
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (2 May 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right I am being very weak and now have to get on with things. I kept hoping desperately things would change but they never do they just get worse so I will pull myself together , admit to myself it is over and try to move forward and obviously never ring him again! I am paying enough so the lawyers can fight it out on my behalf.
Thank you all for your help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): I have said this before and will say it again, this thread is a journal for you as you don't ever respond to any of the advice that so many people have given and continue to give.
You're going to do as you please over this and nothing anyone says here will make a blind bit of difference.
I can't believe you called him!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): I've only just noticed this thread, so am not really up to speed on proceedings, but my advice to you would be to go with the flow and get the divorce over and done with as quickly and cheaply as possible.
Arguing over semantics and pedantry is just going to cost you dearly. What difference do you think it will make to anything once you are divorced? I can tell you it won't make the slightest bit of difference. Divorce is divorce - two people who have decided to go their own way in the world. If there's kids involved then he should expect to have to pay for their upkeep, but once they've fled the nest that's it - you can't expect him to be your meal ticket for life.
If you want to go and dig your heels in then you can expect to pay dearly for it and the only winners will be the bloody lawyers - as was ever the case!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Having the adultery on record doesn’t make a blind bit of difference to anyone but if you fight over petty things it will cost you dearly financially. You have trouble with the idea that the relationship is over. The reasons will not affect the outcome or what the judge does. It is over and you should think about cutting free as cleanly as possible. Divorce courts are no place to try and take revenge because the only person who pays will be you. The adultery will not be "on record" in any meaningful sense at all. Nobody will know, no front page news. Your best revenge is to get shot and retain as much pride a possible. This struggle that you engage in does not do you justice.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (1 May 2008):
Honey!! I cant believe that you called him. Its so obvious that he doesnt want anything to do with you, why keep hurting yourself. You know deep down that the only reason you called him was to get him to respond to you!! I dont know why you bother?
The man is a pig, let him go. You will never have a good relationship with him (if at all) if you dont let go and move on. Its very sad, and I know that he wants it all his way, and that must seem very unfair to you. But it doesnt matter if you divorced him for being untidy or a rapist, no one will care. The important thing is that you get as much cash as you can to set yourself and your son up fiancially. Why give it to a solicitor?. I think the reason that he is so angry is because you wont let go, and continually hold out hope of some kind of reconciliation.
You have to get it into your head this is not going to happen. I dont want to sound mean, and I know exactly how you feel, I have been through this myself.
For your own sake, divoce the bugger and get on with your life.
It will get better.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (1 May 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been a bit brighter recently and found that I can actually do things by myself without the help of a man. Had major problem with the car which lost all its electrics on the motorway which was terrifying in rush hour and son was with me.Called husband to ask if we were covered by Rac / AA etc and he was incredibly abusive to me and didn't help at all. In the end I dealt with all of this myself tow truck, garage etc. This might seem like nothing to normal women but I've not had to deal with this kind of thing for years and I found I could do it - so one less thing I need him for. He is now refusing to return the adultery divorce papers saying he wants me to accept his unreasonable behaviour only and providing a list of reasons made up by himself - all of them being rather two faced and open to interpretation. My lawyer says I should just go with it as this whole thing is going to cost in excess of £30k but I really want the adultery on record. Husband is behaving like a nutter screaming abuse at me and bemoaning his financial situation. I still try reasoning with him although I know it is all a lost cause. The man is bonkers! All he ever says is that I should be supporting myself financially and not draining him but I think he should pay for us considering what he has done. I am still sad as I try to reason with him and I try to take on board his feelings and views but absolutely everything is hurled back at me. All my friendes say leave well alone and deal only via the solicitor but that costs about another £300 everytime you do and I haven't got the money and I think it is pointless if it is over something you can agree on the phone. I suppose I have to just accept that this guy will not and does not want to deal with me in any way full stop. Oh well at least things are moving forward slowly!
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (26 April 2008):
I know this is hard for you to deal with. Working with people who have been through divorce and seeing the after affects, it's heart breaking. I can't figure out your question either of how someone can act or live as if they love and care for someone, then be so nasty to them. I am really good freinds with my ex's. I don't hold grudges. I've been cheated on, been taken to the cleaners etc., but they're still people. My children love mommy. I work at keeping a good relationship with her because of the respect I have for my daughters happiness and the relationship she has with her mom. My relationship with her is over, buy my girls relationship with her is just as important as her relationship with me.
I am still remaining single, by choice. Now it's been 2 years 4 months. I chose this path to learn. I believe people can't have a good relationship with someone else, until they have a good relationship with themselves first. I did this to continue deveopling who I am. During this time I have really come to appreciate what relationships can offer people, if its a good one. I think when I am ready to begin dating again, everything from who my partner is as a person, to the smallest appreciations are going to be much greater than they would have if I didn't take this time. You learn to really respect what you desire, but hold out when temptation comes knocking.
You have your child, and he has you. That is a great gift. A long with these other posters who have experienced similar situations. Appreciate what you have, instead of desiring what you don't. Right now, I don't have much money. I've had some times where I've been real unique in what I fix for dinner. I've had days where there's not enough for everyone, so I "white lie excuse" I'm not hungry, so my children are fed and not going to be hungry. Even then, we still have love, and appreciate eachother. As long as that is there, our challenges were just small bumps in the road.
I'm glad court went okay for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): I have just spent the last four year getting through a very difficult marriage break up and divorce. After a year of proceedings I am still waiting for my decree absolute and in those four years I have been through every possible emotional know to man (or woman). My children have suffered greatly, we are living on a very low income and I am about to sell the house that my children were born in ( they are now 18 and 16). I have sat here for the last 3 hours and read every word of your situation and every word of advice given to you from everyone who was kind enough to do so. I can understand every twist and turn you have made in the name of winning back the man you love (or once loved), you have employed every possible tactic to invite him back into your life but nowhere and not once have you spread your wings into the new life that you have and I think that is a great shame.I have so much sympathy for you and I wont lie to you, the divorce will be the toughest part yet. As each letter arrives, each argument has to be scrutinised and each hard earned pound goes out of the bank, it begins to rot away your very soul and you will wonder what the hell it was all for. The pain is incredible and if you arnt careful it will take you down with it. Do yourself a favour and just let go. Where your child is concerned, do not contest access. Decide exactly how much finacial settlement you will need to survive and stick to your guns and for gods sake forget any love you had for this man, because if you don't, it will affect your decisions and the final outcome of the divorce. Be strong dear Sarcy because you are going to need everything you have to get through.I allowed emotion to get the better of me and it muddled my thinking and I made a lot of mistakes. I know what the red mist feels like and when you absolutely cannot stop yourself from begging or wanting or saying something painful. My lowest point came when I told my own child she would find me dead when she came home from school. Isn't that the most wickedest and hateful thing...and all for what??? The love for a man who never loved me.Let him go, just let go.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): One of my friends has been dealing with the same. She joined a church group for people who are separated and divrced (it consisted of those who had been left) and she is finding it really helpful. They talk the whole psychology of it and she finds it great that she is not alone. She says otherwise it is like shouting rage into the wind, nobody hears and the anger has no affect on anything. You want to throw bombs of outrage at your husband and make him reel, but each time you launch one it just dissolves and the effort of throwing out this anger is exhausting. You just feel powerless and betrayed.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (25 April 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt went well in court and we agreed to a bit of access which I am happy with. Husbands drinking came out which pleased me no end and he appeared horrified that it had been raised. We never spoke a word or even looked at each other. I felt really sad and mean but then remembered that he had done to this to me and none of it was my fault or choice. I have spoken to him once about arrangements for child and he was so nasty. I have never come up against anyone who really hates me and it is hard to deal with as you don't understand why. He screams at me that he is separated from me and that he is getting a divorce so doesn't have to speak to me and I point out that he does as I am looking after his child so need to know when he is coming for child where he is with him etc etc. I am finding it SO difficut as this man has moved on completely leaving me totally behind. All he wants is his child and the divorce/ finances sorted and I am still reeling at the effects of it all. It was awful to realise sitting opposite someone in a court room that they really don't care for you at all anymore and you are just a noose around their neck. I suppose I always knew but I found out for sure that the husband is now full time living with the woman he had the affair with and this still really upsets me. I think it is because he shows no remorse and you can see he thinks 'so what, its been ages now just get on with it.' I don't see it like that. I can't understand why if you've been with someone so long they don't feel a sought of duty of care for you but they obviously don't. This whole mess is driving me insane and making me crazy. I keep going round and round the whole scenario in my head which even I know is pointless. I know there is nothing that I can do about anything anymore as it is all in the hands of the courts but I hate it so much and hate having this hanging over me. I hate the fact that he will ring the door and I will have to hand my son over, I just don't want to see him. I wish someone would ring me and say he was dead so I don't have to deal with any of it. I cannot believe that someone who knows you so well for so long would do all these things because they would know how much it would hurt as they know what makes the other party tick. My friends have all said 'back off' leave him alone and ignore him but is is so hard. He is so in control about everything and just carries on with his new life seeing me as this pathetic nuisance in the background. I was so proud of this man and all the things he could do. Looking back to when we first met I can see that he never did love me but I really loved him. I hate being in this situation constantly making a fool of myself and I am so sad.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (19 April 2008):
The first piece of advice anyone one law gives is to not speak to the other person. Speak through your legal professionals. Reason being, "anything you say can be used against you in court." Couples who split up can get into some heated arguments. All of which, even if you say something you didn't mean to say, can be used to establish grounds for custody.
I don't know too much about the U.K. I know here, money is really not a huge issue in a custody hearing. What is, however, is (1) moral fitness (2) ability to provide physical and mental well being (3) willingness to foster a relationship between the child and the absent parent.
There are others, but those are the big factors here. His drinking will make a difference. Sometimes they may not keep a child away from someone who drinks, but establish additional guidelines.
The courts don't look at how you feel about your ex, or how he feels about you. It's no longer about your divorce. It's about the child. Courts base their decisions on the best interest of the child. That does include visitation, and setting up a maintenance income to the child from the non-custodial parent.
I hope all goes well with you there. Remember to keep focused on what's best for your child. Unneeded speeking badly about the other parent to the judge is not the best way to go.
Keep strong. Giving up is not an option. I wish you the best. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (17 April 2008):
Hey Sarcy,
I have been a reader of your story since you first posted your question and want to remind you that at the end of the day it boils down to 2 things:
1. He had an affair and left you for her.
2. He has a drinking problem which has made him violent and unpredictable in your son's presence.
Focus on those two things, you have done nothing wrong here and he is liable.
Have you considered getting opinions from one or two different solictors? It should be a very clear cut case and his solicitor seems to be playing games with yours regarding all the letters.
Hang in there, you've come such a long way, your husband has been so so so awful to you, Im so glad you're finally divorcing him and wish you all the luck in the world in getting through it.
Regarding the hearing, simply tell the truth, your son didn't want to go last Sunday. You have let your husband come to the house to visit your son and even let him stay overnight many times, you can't be accused of refusing him access, it's simply not true.
Stay strong, you are in the right here and he is in the wrong.
Big hug x x x
PS You could do worse that to cut and paste all of your posts here in this message and put them together as a kind of journal, starting from the bottom up. Then print it off and go sit with a coffee and read it. I think it may help you remember all you have been through. x x x
...............................
A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (17 April 2008):
 Dont make your son the prisoner of your own pain.
An excerpt from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
"Speak to us of Children".
And he said:
Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but are not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your chilren
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and
He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in th earcher's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So he loves also the bow that is stable.
You suspect that you may be seen as various things in court and maybe you are right to worry. You are not the most important person here. Help your son have the relationship he needs with his father and organise contact with him yourself. You don't have to go to court. Support your child and stop using him as a vessel for your own anger. That would show courage and strength. Good luck, from one who has succeeded in this same situation herself. My son sees his father and partner all the time. They like their wine, but it is more important that they see each other. I have a partner too. We have all moved on and so will you. How well you do depends on how you behave now.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 April 2008):
If you haven't turned your son against his father (and by your posts,you haven't)then I don't see why you would be terrified. The judge has dealt with young children before so he/she knows how to talk to them in order to understand how they really feel about things. Your son is 10 so he old enough to understand what the judge will be asking him. If it turns out that he really does want to see more of his father then you will just have to deal with it for your son's sake. I know this has been hard for you honey but it will be over soon. Just hang in there, and please don't call your husband for any reason, it will just give him ammo.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (17 April 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSoon to be ex husband has put an emergency court order on me for access to child. This has terrified me and son has to come with me to the hearing on Tuesday. I am so scared and don't know what to expect. I am horrified that things have turned so nasty. I also think under pressure my son will say that he misses Daddy and wants to see him so it is going to make me look like a liar. This is such a difficult situation for me. I am finding it really hard to be strong but feel I am going to be let down on all fronts and am going to look like a nasty vengeful woman who won't let a man see his child. My solicitor says its for the best and that he'll mention the drinking but I can't see how I can win on this. I haven't seen my husband for so long the prospect of even seeing him terrifies me. I have not been very clever in any of this and can see I am going to come a cropper. I have tried ringing my husband to discuss as I can't believe he'd want to see his child in court but he won't answer. My solicitor thinks going to court is a good idea and will get everyting out into the open but I know they will find against me and I will end up looking like a mean old woman who has turned the child against his father. I am truly terrified of this situation and can't believe that someone you've been married to would turn against you so strongly like this. I feel so mentally shattered and whichever way I look this guy with the money is always going to win over me. I suppose if I think rationally the worse thing is that he will get him alternate weekends and for half the holidays but it's breaking my heart. I presume husband won't speak as he has been told not to by solicitor and doesn't want to anyway but I feel so out on a limb. I am trying to be calm but just can't think straight.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): It does not matter that your son does not want to see him. He is picking up YOUR feelings on this one. If he doesn't see his Dad it will be the worst for him. Children do not always know best, it is up to us to firmly steer them in the right direction. You need to tell him that you know he knows you have been hurt, but from now on you will not say anything more that is bad about his Dad. It takes two to make a relationship fail etc etc. Believe me I know about this one. My ex husband (father of my son and friend now) refused to see his father for about 30 years. It was out of loyalty to his Mum and he used to say "do I have to go?" when it was time to visit. He was allowed to choose not to. His Dad died recently and when he found out he hit the most enormous brick wall. He has told me how devastated he is that they never made up. It may seem most conveninet to you that some kind of revenge is gained on your behalf for the way you have been treated, but you are saving up mental health anguish and pain for your son. I hope you want better for him and can start to influence him positively the other way. It is more important than i can begin to say. My exes um is wracked with guilt because she now knows she had something to do with my exes anger and repression and the fact that he drinks too much, smokes too much and is holding enormous pain inside.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (14 April 2008):
I kind of agree with the last poster. Solicitors will do anything to earn some more out of the poor sod going through this pain.
Really it doesnt matter what you divorce him for, its not as if he will have lying cheating sh** across his head. No body will really know what went on between you, and in time you wont care either. Just get rid of him out of your life, and try to do it at the minimum of cost to yourself. If your son does not want to see his Dad, I dont think he should be made to go. He is probably hurt at seeing what his father has done to you. He will get over it in time, and they will be friends again.
You need to get your solicitor to arrange a settlement figure that you both agree to, then the problem with your son can be sorted when things settle down.
I dont agree that all men are bad. My two brother's and my father are wonderfull men. They are kind and considerate, and provide for their family's. I wish I could have met a man that could live up to them. I think they are a rare breed.
Good luck and dont let it get to you. Your husband is an idiot for wasting money running to his solicitor at every oportunity. Does he not have the sence to realise that it is wasting any compensation that either of you are entitled too.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (13 April 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone who has helped me,
This is a bit of a strange question but it is costing me a fortune asking my solicitor anything so I wondered if anyone could help if they have had te same experience. The divorce is progressing , very slowly, husbands solicitor asks single questions in loads of letters - obviously to bump up the costs which is driving me mad. They tried to say I was being unreasonable but I said I would argue this for ever and in the end after spending thousands of pounds husband has decided that he will accept adultery as long as I don't name and shame. I have been told to 'name and shame' costs tousands and makes you look like a looney infront of a judge so I have taken my solicitors advice on that one.
Husband keeps asking for contact with child and I have agreed to day contact only alternate weekends. However although I have agreed to this, son who is aged 12 years did not want to see him this Sunday so I cancelled. This provoked loads of letters and faxes from his solicitor. What I want to know is what is likely to happen next. Will they take my child's view into consideration as he is 12 and knows his own mind or will I be forced to comply and the child made to go and see him. It is very upsetting for me and my son. I am frightened that I am now going to receive a letter saying that I have groomed him into not wanting to see his father but although I am not happy with his father I have told my son his decision is his own. My husband has become very mean and will not communicate with us in any way other than through his solicitor, he will not answer any text/ e-mail or phone call and the whole process is costing me a fortune. I am tempted to report his solicitor to the law society for blatant time wasting. It crossed my nind that he might actually be giving her one as she seems to send letters on the smallest thing wherease I do not have the means to do this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): Hi dear lady
all men r like tht, bulshits, i hate them
your men is in relation for few months, i know ppl who in relationships of 30 yrs. before and after marriage and they make fool to their spouses, i dnt know why men or women do that.
if they wish to keep relations they shldnt marry and spoil d life of their spouse.
bt they marry only to get shelter , food and a married label so that they can flirt easily in society with d gal or boy. and after marriage ppl become more free
d relation is based on sex only , men dnt know friendship dealings, its only women who knows whats friendship
d day women will stop giving sex relation wd men, that men will too stop keeping relation with that lady.
SO DEAR ITS SEX ONLY, WHAT MEN NEED FROM WOMEN.
THEY DNT KNOW MEANING OF LUV for their wife , bt knows and cares for another women
their own wife is a damon after marriage and before marriage she's queen for him
MEN R BASTARS !!!!!
i too hate
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Hi sarcy
Glad to hear you are stronger and feeling more positive keep us posted on your progress its much appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (11 March 2008):
IT has everything to do with her. She destroyed your marriage and if he was any kind of a man, he would have been more of a doting husband with all you two have been through. The big issue is probably the 'sex.' How were things at home when he was there? Lots, a little? How is your child handling the situation? Remember, you have to be strong for the child as well as take care of yourself and your needs. You need to love yourself first before you can make the changes necessary to try to get him back. He's put up a solid wall that's going to be hard to tear down. If you're attractive enough, and you know it--then use that to tempt him back into your marriage.If you love him enough to try, and it doesn't work, then, it was never meant to be. Keep in touch.
...............................
A
female
reader, WW_Oxford +, writes (11 March 2008):
Hi
I've just read a lot of the communication that you have had over the last year and just wanted to lend my support to what the others have said. You deserve to pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to something nice.
To be honest, it was obvious from the begining that your marriage was over, but it's easy to see it from the outside and really, really hard when you're in the middle of it.
So many of the things that you have said have struck a chord with me. I found that my husband was having an affair at Christmas and am going through now, exactly what you went through a year ago. I can't sleep, eat or do anything properly. It's hell isn't it? Only someone who has been through it understands what it's like to have your whole world turned upside down.
Now that solicitors are involved for you it should calm down, but I'll be thinking about you and things can only get better (for us both!)
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (11 March 2008):
I'm glad everything is working out for you. I can see where your solicitor is coming from. I'm in law as well and hoping to begin in family law. My two big pet peeves in family law are adultry and any lack of responsability on the best interest of children. When it comes to that, why should I be lenient, when they left their ex in so much pain, and created mental detriments to their children.
My strong belifs are that it's okay to live and enjoy life, but it's not okay to do something that causes physical or mental pain to another person. When looking at people, no one was born for the purpose of another to cause them pain.
I just wish many more would live loving others and appreciating everything around them, intead of having this "you owe me" attitude.
You've taken a wonderful step toward your healing and realizing you don't have to accept this behavior from him. As far as running him through the mud, a good response would be "I'm only going to tell the truth." That says whatever you do bring up is done so because he took part in the actions. If he feels it's running him through the mud, he should have made better choices.
Take care. Keep us updated and take some time to enjoy a glass of wine to celebrate this moving forward, you deserve it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Dear Sarcy
I am so happy the events of the weekend turned positively towards your ‘recovery’ I am so overjoyed that little by little you are getting over ‘it’ I like it when you refer to him that way. Just between you and me it feels good to take control over the pain you had to endure. Sometimes I used to be so afraid thinking you might never learn to let go of him. I am glad you let your son enjoy his company keeping your distance. Keep doing that and believe me he will realize he is the sick one not you. The anger and yelling behaviour it’s a sign he lost he wanted you to still begging him and crying all over him so that he keeps brushing you off disrespectfully.
Keep it up girl! UP WITH GIRL POWER!
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (10 March 2008):
I wish I could give you a hug, I knew you would get there in the end.
Hip Hip Horah XXXXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (10 March 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help,
Husband came to collect son on Saturday and was even more horrid than normal. Suddenly all the feelings I had for him dissipated and I thought what a rude man he is. I told him he had some kind of a mental problem and he just went bonkers screaming, swearing etc. I know now after so long that I would never ever want it back EVER. He is a drunken psychotic man and evil with it. In the evening I sent it a text saying that I didn't want it back in any way shape or form and that hopefully knowing that it could deal with me more rationally but I still got a torrent of abuse. Today I have had endless texts from it bemoaning what my solicitor is sending - all about money and it is whining on. The last answer I sent just said 'yawn......' I am left with just going for money and my solicitor appears to be really good finding things to ask for that I had forgotten about! Husband even suggested two years separation if I didn't name and shame!!! Mmmmm- me thinks not!! I am so tired of it all that I wish it would just drop off the edge of the world. Great consolation it looks scruffy and unkempt! Child had a nice time with him and thats good so he obviously managed to keep off the booze for 3 hours or so. He has emptied the house of his stuff and I am in the process of giving anything left to charity as I don't want to be reminded. This has taken 15 months but I really don't care about him anymore - he is just a big cash sign!! Hooray
...............................
A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (10 March 2008):
Sarcy
I am so glad you are on the right path to recovery pain is pain as long as you don’t let it destroy your spirit you will get over it.
It’s amazing how you discovered his current worth ‘a lawn mower’ hahaha! Like Tellulah said hire a hunk there are people who specialises in gardening services who will come once a week get in contact with them. Do you know that doing some gardening for yourself can be highly therapeutic? Maybe its time to wake-up in the morning and smell some flowers hey? Admire your garden and see what u will like to do what u want to change even though u have hired a helper u might want to plant some daises, tulips or roses there and there don’t push yourself give it time u might end-up liking it nature has its own way of giving us a cuddle when we really need one. You don’t have to do it everyday just do it once in a while and you will understand what I am talking about I do that sometimes when I am really down and don’t feel like talking to anyone and it gives me some level of peace. I guess we all need to find something that helps us deal with our anger and pain without suffering humiliation or even before doing something we might regret later and I think its time you find something like it word of warning "don’t hit the shops because u might end up really broke"
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (5 March 2008):
Thank God!!! you are actually staring to fight this man back. I can also tell you why he cant look you in the face, it's guilt nothing else. For whatever reason he has for his actions, does not mean you have to take it laying down.
Go for whatever you can love. You and your son need it, and why should your standard of life change. And if all he was worth was to lift the lawnmower you really are on the road to recovery. Perhaps you could advertise for a hunky gardener to come and mow your lawn.
XXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (5 March 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually the pain this causes in me is unbelievable. The weekend went quite well. As soon as he arrived I went out and when I came back I behaved normally and made coffee etc and talked about school and things. Husband wouldn't look me in the face and directed all conversation to the floor. Son had a nice time which is all that matters really. Trains weren't working so I had to drive him to nearest tube line so made banal conversation for 1/2 hr. Since then I have heard nothing from him full stop. What I find so so difficult is the fact that this person seems to think that the family home and me are not his responsibility any more. I am a very tiny person and for me to even lift the lawnmower up and onto the grass is really hard and if I say that he will say ' well what's that got to do with me'. I appreciate he has gone but it is small things like that, that I can't get my head round. I don't know why I think he should be responsible for me but i just do! It was strange seeing him again after so long. There is still this burning loathing in him when he does happen to look at me or speak to me which I can't fathom. I can honestly say I have done nothing to warrant this behaviour and I wonder if in fact he isn't a bit funny in the head. Maybe all the drink has damaged his thought processes. Well obviously even I am resigned to the fact that he has gone for ever and I just have to get on with things. On reflection I am going to cross petition for adultery as I think its fair and then just concentrate on going for as much money as I can, that's really all there is left for me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (4 March 2008):
Sarcy
I hope for this to be over very soon. You are in so much pain and u deserve some closure. I feel your pain whenever I read any of your postings. I am saddened by everything that is going on in your life especially because u seem to continue hanging onto this man who keeps humiliating you I mean really what is that all about? for him to say he will rather die? He continuously makes u feel like you are this worthless sick woman who cant let go of him as if staying with him will make you the happiest woman, and if that is what u were thinking a two year seperation will do forget it. This man doesnt want to be a husband to you and not even 24mths will make a difference.
divorce is expensive and not just the money issue but the emotional pain you suffer. Get your act together dont pretend not to be hurting however be determine to move on and plan your future without this man.
If u cant find someone to baby sit before he arrives then wait for him the moment he arrives say your hello and goodbye at the same time dont give him the satisfaction of seeing u sad like u cant live without him Girl u had been doing that for over a year now. And u can continue doing that for the rest of your life.
I hope u keep getting stronger
Jovial
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (1 March 2008):
Hi Honey,
Reading your post, I can see that you have still got extremely strong feelings for this man. I know that its hard to let go of any hope, but I think that your husband has proved over and over again that you have no option. He has moved on with his life and you are still clinging on to the past. The best thing you could possibly do when he comes to collect your son, is either not to be there or arrange to drop your son off at a place where you can have the minimum amount of contact, with the ex.
Its going to be very hard for you, but will get easier if you only could move on with your life. Which I'm affraid you are going to have to do.
Think of your Son, doesnt he deserve for you to be stronger and deal with the situation better. He will learn a lot from you as he grows up. You are teaching him (at the moment) that you can be walked all over and still beg for the person to do it again. If it were to happen to your son (which I hope it never does) what would you advise him to do? wouldn't you want him to be strong and stand up for himself?
XX
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Not sure why you want him to be at your house at all, rather than take your boy out. Generous, but I did something similar and was surprised when it was time to go out as I felt I had been forced from my own home. Even though I arranged it myself! If you can keep with the programme well done. You have to now really I guess.
Keeping yourself "together" is a hard task. I wish you could get some male and female friends to come and collect you, you looking beautiful, him wondering who is taking you! He would hate it and it would be superficially very satisfying.
Please consider getting the book "Love Must Be Tough". It works in your situation. The more you hold on the more he will cringe away and consider you weak. The more you distance yourself the more he will notice that and question his feelings about it. This will be satisfactory even if it changes nothing.
The best you can do is be enjoying yourself and having a nice time. He will hate that. His ego is partly satisfied by knowing he has the power to upset you still and he probably thinks he would only have to say and you would be easy to get back. Nobody wants what is too easy, even if you can't stand him, be distant and obviously have your mind elsewhere.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Hi sarcyThis one is quite easy compareded to your other question do not be at the house when he arrives, can you get someone neutral to be there for when he arrives and leaves then you wont have to deal with it as you have enough to get through.As for the rest don't go back over old ground you may never know why he did it so don't tourture yourself anymore. Hope it works out,take care
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (29 February 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your helpful advice. I have been to the solicitor who was good and switched on but bloody expensive. He basically told me to let the divorce go through or cross petition on adultery and concentrate on the finances. It all appears to be one big trade off to me and costs far too much to contest when the end product will be the same anyway. I have decided to concede to access issues because in the end it will come to my husband seeing our son every other weekend anyway so there is little point in fighting it. I tried to ask for a two year separation but my husband informed me he would rather die so that was a non starter. My husband is coming over on Sunday to play with our son and I have volunteered to make myself scarce;- I can easily go shopping etc for a few hours. What I would like some help on is dealing with him turning up. I want to be seen to be in control and not clingy and desperate and above all I want to prevent myself going into the 'why did you do this to me , I miss you so much role' . How can I appear in charge of my faculties and in control infront of him.I am really hurting emotionally and am bubbling with resentment and fury under the surface but need to put a cap on it. I appreciate it will be a hello and then I get in the car and go and then when I come back he will make himself scarce pronto but I want to leave a positive image when he goes so he doesn't think mad cow I'm so glad I'm out of there!.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I have a problem similar to yours. I can only tell you that even though it will be hard, just try to think of all the bad times ya'll had. Then think if he did come back to you could you trust him? You are probably jealous because you are thinking that he is treating her the way that you wanted him to treat you. Also if he cheated on you he will most likely cheat on her.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (22 February 2008):
First of all, make sure you file your response within the time the court has allowed, it's generall (at least here) 30 days from the date you receive the paperwork.Remember too, the response, if you do it prior to meeting with the solicitor, it is not a explanation. I don't know if your papers use "defendant v. Plaintiff" or if their Petitioner v. repondant. Remember people make false claims in some court papers. The response is only a "I admit too alligations in line number _____" or "I deny alligations to alligations in line number _____" You may, but it's not recommended to "admit in part and deny in pary." Unless the portion of the line is lettered or marked in some way to separate your answer without confusion to the other party. I looked it up real quick. Unreasonable behavior is a divorce ground, or reason to file. Your country you have to prove cause in order to file for divorce. Here, is a no fault, so people can divorce because someone dyed their hair.In your country you may want your solicitor to file as well but under the grounds of "Adultery, and Unreasonable behavior" As far as custody grounds, his behavior, having an affair, playing with your emotions, drinking, that all proves instability for the child. If you have a solicitor, you need to bring your papers to them, or find one you can so the answer can be filed. Also, if his solicitor contacts you after you've acquired one, let them know future contact needs to be between solicitors and you refuse to answer any questions without the consultant of your solicitor. You'll be okay, stay strong and don't just role over and let him win. The way he treated you. You don't want him to think he can get away with treating others like that. This is your child involved also. If not fighting for yourself, do so for your child. Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I have been through a really sh---y divorec where I was constantly bullied and it was like walking the plank right up to the last minute. There is a lot of anger here and I would be concerned that because the situation is being cranked up, your son will have problems with his relationship with his father. You as parents are not capable to communicating without anger at the moment. Somehow the heat has to get out of this situation or your son will suffer. My advice would be to accept that he does not want to be with you anymore and call a truce. Tell him that you will leave the settlement to the judge if necessary but are willing to try to negotiate with him. If you can persuade him that you are genuine he may calm down. He needs to be told that your son is the most important person and agree with him that you will not say bad things about him to your son if he promises the same. This is really important. Keep the arguing for the courtroom or between the solicitors. Your son must be kept away from that and his emotional health protected.Have no contact with him other than arranging times for him to see your son. He could collect him from a neutral person if you are worried about that. Refuse to discuss the divorce, be willing for your solicitor to receive offers from him by email which you only need discuss with the solicitor.Do keep a record of any dirty tricks played by his solicitor. She sounds like one of those ones who will stir up the hatred between you to get a bigger fee. You could complain about her following you to the Law Commission.Your assets will have to be divided so you may have to move into a smaller house. However, if he has a lot of pension, more capacity to earn and all of that there is usually a trade-off. He wants 50% custody so that you won’t get more of the money than him. If you son lives with you, you will probably get around 70% of the assets. I fall on the side of thinking that a child needs one home and regular access to the other parent. My ex and I are now a respectful team, with only the odd argument. We call each other when we need to and all grandparents meet up, it is really good.My son, who is 10, lives with me and my partner. He stays a whole weekend with us each month and a whole weekend with his Dad. I have him one Friday and one Saturday in between. It works for us. His Dad gives 15% of his net earnings to me each month, which is in line with CSA guidelines.Make sure you help your son to continue seeing his Dad and rise above the nastiness. Also, there is mediation which can help but not if it will become a shouting match. Very good luck and power to you. Be wise, not reactive.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (22 February 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
Well the very worst has happened. Divorce papers came in the post this morning citing unreasonable behaviour. I don't really know why I am shocked as it was bound to come but there had been no verbal warning or anything other than he had stopped speaking to me so I suppose that was a dead giveaway! He has cited nasty untrue things and gone for 50% split on the care of our child. I have made a solicitors appointment but he cannot see me for a while and I keep being hounded by my husands solicitor for a response. I have no intention of being caught out on that one. She caught me out once when the papers arrived and tried to trick me into saying things which she then wrote down and sent to me. I understand my husand is her client but really so underhand. It truly has broken my heart . I have spoken to husband once since the papers came and he was as cold as ice and just swore at me over and over again, telling me to go and f myself. I asked him why he had done such a thing to me and he just said there was no dealing with me, everything was always conditional and enough was enough. It is all so sad and I am at a loss to know whether to really fight and explain about his drinking and adultery etc or just let it go and go for the money. I am gob smacked that someone you have known for so long would do and say such things about someone they were married to for so long - that they would turn against you like that. He obviously really hates me but I still don't see why. One minute I want to fight and the next I think I can't be bothered - he is so desperate to get shot why not let him have it. I can only say that seeing my solicitor on Monday may help me as he I am sure will be able to advise me without emotion coming into it. My husband has threatened to take away the family home, the car all these things which I own half of and is obviously very much on the edge. I could not believe the anger, hatred and language when i spoke to him that was directed at me so maybe I should just cave in and let it go. It is so nasty I am now frightened to even open te front door if he did come to collect child. Any unemotional thoughts for me as I can't think straight?
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (9 February 2008):
Great, have your son contact me on here, I'll let him know you give your permission to toss your phone in the river.
Let me ask you this. If you didn't have your phone, would that stop you, or would you find another way?
Do you believe life is about choices? It's his choice to be with that other person. All though you don't agree with it, he still has the option of making that choice.
The same as it's his choice, it's your choice in how you deal with it. It's not about him anymore, he's gone, hardely any contact, now it's about you and your healing, and bettering yourself for you and your son.
Now you have two sides you listed. (1) your anger and revengeful thinking (2) wanting to discuss, as adults, on behalf of your child. Do you see a problem with having both of those actions at the same time?
The fact here is you are pissed at the way he treated you in leaving and minimal contact. The other fact is, your obsession with getting even is absolutely inappropriate behavior. I would have to take the plunge in saying, almost psychotic in nature. Where does this leave the family with you and your son. Mom trying to get even,and son feeling abandoned and alone because dad's gone and moms acting in a way where it's like she's gone too.
He left that happened, no changing it. But as long as you continue this behavior you're ignoring the person in your home that needs you now. You can't fully take care of him and act the way your acting. I challenge you to start building yourself back up, and recognizing that you and your son are going to be fine being a team together, and develop yourself to not only be the best you can be for yourself, but be the best mom you can be for your son.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 February 2008):
Sarcy,I think you need to get some counseling, I don't feel you will be able to pull out of this spiral by yourself. Do it for your son's sake.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (8 February 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy situation gets worse and worse. I am behaving terribly but don't care as sadly the more time you are separate from the person the less you care about what they think anymore because you know they aren't going to come back. Husband has been back in his flat away from us since mid November and since then we have only seen him twice. He does not call, text or e-mail in anyway shape or form and will only answer texts if they concern our finances. I have tried everything but he has cut me dead. Now I accept that he is NEVER coming back but I still don't like being ignored and this has resulted in me sending awful texts with me using terrible swearing, nasty threats and all sorts. Obviously these are not answered and I know they are doing me no good but this red mist comes down and I can't help myself. My son says to stop it and let him get on with things but I can't control myself. It's like I need someone to prise the phone away from me and throw it in the river. Instead of moving on the more time that goes by the crosser I am becoming. His treatment of me means I won't give an inch on anything. I am not behaving well and am not sure why I am even posting this I think I just want to get it off my chest. I really am at a loss to know wht to do next on anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 January 2008):
Sarcy I know you don't want to hear this but I think the total lack of communication is the best thing right now. Your last few conversations were all ending bad and accomplishing nothing. Relax and let things cool down for awhile. He's not really ignoring you if he is still sending money and paying the bills. You guys just don't need to fuel the fire right now. Please try to relax and try to refrain from trying to contact him. We are with you Babe.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (28 January 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthings are now at the lowest ebb ever. Husband has stopped communicating full stop, no texts/e-mails or anything anymore. Just pays the bills and cc's. i've tried to be conciliatory but he won't respond to any communication from me at all. I know he has put the past behind him and moved on and fortunately for us he has enough cash to do both but the lack of contact still hurts. He has moved on and so should I but I am finding it much much harder than him. I just don't like being cut off. It's not that I want to know what it's doing because I don't I just want to be able to talk to him about things if I need too. The problem is that i know it can't be like that with him because I don't feel friendly towards him I still feel cross and hurt even after all this time. I guess he's cut me off to sever all ties and finally get the point across that it is truly over but it is a horrid way to do it. Being ignored is worse than anything. Gone back in to a kind of mental mind loop where I can't think clearly because I am so upset by this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): When your son says he is not bothered he is not telling the truth. That is what he thinks he feels because he is forcing himself to believe it. Every child is damaged who does not get to see their Dad. Don't kid yourself, it is a formative time for him which will add a message to him about trust that he will have to live with for the rest of his life. Is it necessary to make it worse? It falls with you to make it better. Just when you feel worst equipped.
This is becoming all focussed on your reactions, which is always does when depression knocks at the door. It would be useful for you to get some counselling to deal with your grief and anger. You deserve some help during this terrible time. You and your son both need it, family counselling together. The objective should be to get some contact going between father and son and make it alright for him, plus let him face his own feelings of being rejected by his Dad. I am sure his Dad loves him. The thing that bothers me most is that your son is already galvanised against your husband and you will have a hell of a job getting him to see his Dad now.
The key is to settle down and start to build yourself back up. If it were me I would probably write a letter to my husband, to say I was finding it difficult to cope with my sense of anger and betrayal , but that I wanted my son to see his Dad so am going to get some help with settling this in my own mind. I would then write with suggestions for contact. But take your son on the journey. Don't forget to start building your own life.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (20 January 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHusband didn't come for son's birthday as son decided he didn't want him there and I didn't push it. Recently things have gone from bad to worse between me and the husband and now he won't take my calls or answer any texts/e-mails. This situation came about because he was due to pay me some money which bounced and I went bonkers about this constantly e-mailing and voice mailing my dis-satisfaction. This was compounded by on the same day someone driving into the side of my car. I called the husband because bizarrely I felt I would get some compassion and comfort from him but the phone was turned off. I left 4 more and more upset messages and then swore at him and since then he won't speak a word to me. He says I have behaved in an undignified manner and have no decorum. I appreciate that the language was awful but I was furious about the cheque and then I was upset about the car accident - this is not taken into consideration by him. Since then he won't communicate with me at all and I am turning into a stalker by texting and e-mailing because I am upset about the situation. Friends have told me to leave well alone and the situation will calm down but I feel husband is using it as an excuse to sever contact. It has become less and less recently and he is obviously moving on and having to deal with paying out large sums of money each month to keep us going is driving him mad. I would think he would change phone number soon. On the rare occasion I receive an e-mail it is couched in pure business speak and the lack of any emotion is driving me mad. He has been gone on and off for a year now and I have got used to it but I don't like being ignored. I understand that for him the marriage is over - he never fails to tell me this but I don't like being cut off in such a way. Child isn't bothered - says daddy worked such long hours anyway that it makes no diference to him. I know the answer to this is get on with my own thing and stop any form of contact but it is really difficult being suddenly cut off totally. Any advice as I would like some contact with him if only on a friendly basis but can't seem to generate anything without driving him mad and making him more and more angry with me. To be honest I have been difficult and made a pain of myself, have sworn a lot and been horrid about his awful mother so in a way have brought this on myself but I want a way to put things on a better footing!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): Hello sarcyI completely understand where your comming from, the post below is very good advice , but only YOU know the situation.Ask your son what he wants, does he want to see dad? can he go out with him away from the house for a couple of hours that way there won't be an atmostphere?Listen to what your son wants if he say he does want to see him arrange it if he says he doesn't then respect his wishes, he may change his mind in future, the one thing you are not responsable for is your ex not seeing his son no matter how much blame he puts on you. this guy has done enough damage don't let him do anymore to you and your son.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Your son and your husband need your help to keep up a relationship. Just because you and your husband have had a rotten time does not mean his Dad can not have a good relationship with him. Please be very careful here. I know your feelings have been trampled to death but you need to put your son above that. He is reacting to your hurt and pain when he says he does not want to see his Dad. His Dad feels very uncomfortable and unwelcome too, as he would given what he has done. Neither of that helps anyone. Your son will say he does not want to see his Dad out of loyalty to you and fear. You must be calm and kind now and help mend this. Let them be together on a day to celebrate the birthday and let them be alone. It does not have to be the actual day, or it could be for the evening etc. Tell your son that you are sorry he has been in the middle of this and has coped with your pain. Tell him it takes two people to make a relationship fail and it is not all his Dad's Fault. Tell him he has your blessing to have a separate relationship with his father. Let them go, let them have a nice time and ask no questions about it at all afterwards.
This is close to my heart because my husband did not see his father for years because of the pain of his mother ( which made him feel he did not want to - but actually she could not handle it anyway and was very possessive). His father died before they could make amends many years later and the world fell in on him. His mother regrets it dreadfully.
Your husband must not introduce your son to his new partner for a very substantial period of time because it will be too much to cope with. If he forces this it will go pear-shaped. Tell him. Get him to read some of the articles on the Families Need Fathers website. Make sure you don't fall into the trap of creating Parental Alienation Syndrome described on the same website. Lots of women are so hurt they enable their children not to see their Dads. The children are the ones who suffer in the short and long term as well. Head up, have pride, be better than the rest and very good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (8 January 2008):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOn Christmas eve husband sent text to see if he was welcome for Xmas. I let him come for 2 days and it was truly awful- he didn't look at me or speak to my face just talked to the carpet. My son and I couldn't wait for him to go. Made us laugh as he ate all our food and obviously drank everything and as soon as all special food was gone so was he! I did try to initiate conversation but was firmly told that he did not wish to talk to me full stop and if he knew I was going to raise anything thn he definitely woul not have come anyway. Haven't heard anything from it until today when I received e-mail. It is son's birthday next Tuesday and husband wants to come and see him. Son does not want him here and has cried about the thought of him coming. I want to do the right thing here but can't decide whether I should push my son into seeing father or just say no you can't come. I don't want to use my son just so I can see my husband. I fully understand that it is totally finished between me and him and the way he speaks to me if at all is beyond belief. The hatred and distaste in his voice is really strong but I don't want to be walked upon. My husand will not answer his phone if I ring or answer any text or e-mail. I do leave him alone as there is no benefit in chasing him and he really isn't interested. I just don't know what to do for the sake of my son. Husband has made absolutely no contact prior to Xmas for 7 weeks and seems to think he can just pick up and put down when he fancies it. Never ever rings child or makes any contact. I am tempted to be honest and say that our son doesn't want him there on his birthday but that seems so harsh. I am getting on well with things and don't really think about him or really bother with him unless he initiates contact and then things become difficult again as I am very conscious about trying to behave like a lady and do the right thing. Would you be honest and say 'no' you can't come or try to smooth things with child to alleviate husband's guilt?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): Hi Sarcy,
I too am glad that this man is out of your life, I was one of the people who offered advice way back at the beginning of the year.
I do however feel after reading all the updates since then, that you continued to ask for advice but never seemed to take it or acknowledge it when it was given.
I found this odd and thought your posts seemed more like a journal.
I wish you well, but also wish you had taken the advice and not had to be treated so badly for so long.
Letting him come for weekends for so long wasn't a good idea, and I really hope you will resist this alcohlic creep if he tries to get close to you again, which he most likely will try to do when the novely of his mid-life crisis new life starts to wear off! going from your posts, I think you would take him back, but i sincerely hope you won't.
good luck x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): Hi Sarcy
Its soo good to hear you are feeling better, don't you think it better to be alone than to live like you had to live back then it awful, but as i said you have to live it then let go in your own time.Another thing you are not alone you will never be alone as you have your boy who needs you more than ever and am sure is so glad that he's getting his mum back.There are loads of us on this site that have come through what you have gone through, and so will you,All the best in the new year and keep us posted on your new life.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (13 November 2007):
Your doing what's right. I hope your strength keeps building. I know it's hard sometimes around the holidays to be alone. Before I got custody of my children. I would eat Christmas dinner alone at a diner. But other than that, being alone was OK. I would volunteer and help serving meals. I still do that with my kids. It's always nice giving back.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 November 2007):
Yeaaaa Sarcy! You go girl! You've made it pass the really rough stuff now you are on the downside of the hill! I know you are off men at the moment but don't rule out the entire sex just because of one bad apple. There is a guy out there that will appreciate a jewel such as yourself. Thanks for the good news!
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (13 November 2007):
Hiya!
I am so pleased for you, your sounding so much better, and a hell of a lot more positive. Good for you.
Its so nice when you try and help someone and they feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and then they begin to see that there is.
Its so nice to read, and know they are finally on the up.
XXX Have a great christmas, and a very Happy new year.
XXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (13 November 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone who has helped me - thought I'd give you an update. Getting stronger and stronger everyday. Never hear from the 'husband' unless it wants something. He never calls or asks to speak to our son he just sends an e-mail from his office if he wants to know if a letter has arrived or something similar. He is still living in the City in some flat and appears to be happy enough - but I don't ask. Long gone are the days when I used to sit and cry about where he was who he was with etc. I found one of his old cc statements the other day and noted he'd been to the Fat Duck, 3 times in a week with I suppose different ladies and now I just think 'tosser'! When I look back and think I realise he is an alcoholic and a very mean man. It was my birthday a while back and he sent nothing , not even a card - not much for 15 years. I do not think about him very much anymore and have got over the terrible fears of being alone. This will be the second Xmas when I have been effectively alone and knowing it will just be us two is Ok. We have planned it out so we will enjoy doing all the things we used to do. I can sleep at night and don't have to think about filling up the weekends, I am a lot more relaxed. I haven't met anyone else or looked as I am still off men but i am happy enough in myself and with my own company. Roll on the New Year!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Hi SarcyYour last post said it all, I guess thats what we have all been trying to tell you since day 1 but as I said earlier in my post unfortunatley you have to live it and it's hard before you can let go.Look after yourself and your boy, your hubby well he can go and rot in hell!
...............................
A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (21 September 2007):
Hi SarcyI am so glad you finally washed away whatever feelings you had for this "husband", like your son said he is really a waste of space. I believe now you feel like an enormous weight had been lifted down your shoulders. It is really sad that this man can not see how much you have loved him and appreciated him, longed for him to come home to his family evryday, and he chose what he has chosen. you made peace with his choices and you are really fed-up which is a good feeling because now you can move on with your life without any regrets or looking back. Hope you find someone who can offer you more than you can offer. Good luckJovial
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (20 September 2007):
I am soooo glad to hear you are moving on with your life. It's better for you and your son. You don't want him growing up imitating his dad's behavior. You are a wonderful person and someone who really loves their child and plans to put him first. I can tell you as a single parent myself, without having the stress he was causing is going to give you a wonderful experience. I can do things spur of the moment without checking with someone else. There's some nights I just don't want to stay home, the kids grab their things we go out of town to a motel, stay the night, do some swimming, then go shopping the next day. It's also great knowing he'll be growing up to be stronger because of what you choose to do with him.
After working with people in relationships, I'm also starting to mediate divorce issues, I wonder why people even get into relationships in the first place. I choose to live single and raise my kids, I even pray that I stay strong in doing so. Yesterday I caught myself looking at a girls rear end at the store, I almost slapped my own hand, instead of my daughters doing it for me.
Take care, I wish you the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (20 September 2007):
Hi,
I have been sitting reading what has happened to you with a lump in my throat. Its so sad when you are in love with someone who falls for someone else. I should know this has happened to me.
But surely by now you can see that the only time he is nice to you is when it suits him. He doesnt want to be there, and you shouldnt want him to be. I know its easier to say than to deal with it. But my husband left me almost 18 years ago and I made the same mistakes that you are doing, (begging and pleading) then trying to force him back by stopping him seeing the kids with his girlfriend, who he left me for.
My point is you are hurting yourself and your son by hanging on. He is only visiting and going to relate to try and makes things easy. But the worst thing is everytime he does this you are living in hope. And it makes it so much harder. Also there is always the fact he is worried about loosing any of your joint assets.
Looking back now, I wish I had asked my ex for a Divorce a lot sooner than I did. I wish I hadnt taken it all lying down like a lame duck. And got a really good solicitor to make sure me and my kids wouls be ok. Sadly I did none of this. And while he was driving around in flash cars with his new girlfriend, I was working 3 jobs and getting no maintainance.
Harden up Girl, and let him go.
The only reason he will come back is if he has no other option. Look at yourself in the mirror, dont you deserve more?.
XXX
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (20 September 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter being back together since beg July came home the other night and he had bolted!! No phone call, no warning no nothing. Sadly I thought things had been going well. After eventually tracking him down I found out that he was living back in his old flat and didn't want anything more to do with us. Had been living a lie apparently. Anyway the outcome of this is that apart from being incensed I am going to let it go and am going to get on with my own life. The man is a drinker and a liar and has no respect for anyone. Found out by accident that he had been living in a flat nowhere near where he said he had been on an off for a year, blatantly lying to my face about this day after day. My son is not bothered, thinks he is a waste of space. Husband really has no feelings left for me and I have finally accepted it. When questioned about his lies he just looks at me blankly and shruggs. Since he has gone things are nice and calm here and I prefer it without him. Much calmer atmosphere an for once I can think straight!!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 August 2007):
Why on earth you want to live this way is beyond me. I'd kick him out and move on I really don't understand how this could possibly be better. Your sone must feel the tension as well. Are you sure about this?
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (9 August 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter a terrible holiday together husband has moved back in. Atmosphere is very strained and it is like walking on egg shells but we are trying to be nice to each other and see how things go. He still doesn't want to be here and is definitely here under duress , working harder than ever so doesn't have to see me as I have gone to bed by the time he returns. Anything and everything causes a flare up and neither of us will back down in any way or assume any guilt. I imagine it is still seeing other women with the hours its keeping but can't be bothered searching through its phone or stuff anymore. We'll see what happens!
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (26 June 2007):
 Firstly, about his mother, you don't say what the source of your difficulties are with her, but that your husband is trapped in the middle....the thing is, this is HIS mother and his relationship that is in play here, he really needs tobe the one to step up and speak to his mother and tell her to stop treating you with disrespect and anger if she wants to continue having a relationship with her grandchildren, you are his wife and you come first with him, because if she doesn't shape up, she will lose the ability and welcome to see them....this consequence of course should be held out as a last resort if she does not want to stop right fighting and try to be civil to you....it is in her capacity to do that if she so chooses even if she is spoiled and used to getting her own way....as for you, you need to stop arguing with her, and when she speaks to you and complains about anything, the best thing to do with elderly people is not to try and educate or change them, but to EMPATHIZE, just say something like that must have been very hard for you, I understand you must have been upset, put this back on her, but offer no solutions, advice or take responsibility for how she is feeling, she chooses how to react or feel to her life and other people, keep that in mind, and you won't feel so self righteous when you are around her, OK?
As for meeting your husband's flat mate, I think you are under no obligation to do so even if they do live and work together, that said, you don't have anything to lose face over.....you stood by your husband when most women would have walked out on him, if anything you may be looked at as what on earth are you still putting up with his crap?
So if you feel like entertaining do so, if not, don't.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (26 June 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a question for all those who have helped me so much over the past. Things are going well with me and the husband but there are 2 fundamental stumbling blocks which I cannot get my head round.First - is his mother. We hated each other on site and over the last 14 years have bickered and fought incessantly with hubby being trapped in the middle. I have written to her and apologised for my actions in the past (did this as Xmas) - but she will not have anything to do with me. She did not reply and is as cold as ice. She lives in Majorca and will ring to speak to grandson and begrudgingly we will talk to each other as phone is handed over/ bought back etc. If there is to be any future I know we have to get on but I feel very aggrieved with this woman. I need help on how to deal with her / win her round. We don't get on because we are both similar people, we both like being the centre of attention, she is a good looking woman and is used to people dancing to her tune. Although I am dark and she is fair there are an awful lot of similarities. I know it would make things easier for the husband if we could get on and she isn't getting any younger and I would think she would appreciate more contact. I don't like her and never will but I want to be calm when I communicate with her to see if we can just rub along.The second problem is that the husband is probably going to change jobs and go and work with the man who is currently sharing his flat with him. I know at some stage to make business work and all that I am going to have to meet this man and entertain him but I feel very uncomfortable about this as this man knows all about our difficulties , is providing a roof over my husbands head and undoubtedly knows all about me in some depth. The thought of meeting this person makes me feel intense loss of face. Any advice or do you think that people really don't give a toss and are only interested in themselves and that I should just put it behind me and get on with it? Any help greatly appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (21 June 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings still going well. Husband asked me out for lunch out of the blue. Sadly I ruined this by getting pissed and emotional but that's life!! Husband behaving very very well and being considerate and in return I have stopped calling all the time and being needy If he wants me he knows where I live! Still very calm and getting on with things. Taking each day as it comes! Still very early days but we are trying really hard to treat each other well and listen to what the other is saying. He still says I am stupid and that if I leave things alone he will come back under his own steam but I can't help but push. Anyway at least neither of us want to fight anymore so there is an air of calm that has descended over us both. Fingers x
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (11 June 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA very strange thing has happened - things have suddenly become a lot better between me and the husband. After a lot of hoo/haaing he decided that he would give the idea of a continental marriage a go. This now works that he spends 4 nights in the City and 3 nights with us at home. When he comes he is pleasant, hasn't argued with me and actually behaves quite well. He appears resigned to the fact that he isn't going to get rid of me easily and has stopped being so nasty and spiteful. I have treated him like a demi -god and at the moment it seems to be working. We are also all going on holiday together!! No sex and no promises of any future but things have settled down a bit. I now don't feel so needy and desperate as I know when he is coming and he comes to a 5 star hotel and is waited on hand and foot so maybe it works for both of us. Husband said he would trial this for a few weeks to see how it goes. He is very tired and probably can't deal with any more crap and I am behaving well even been nice about his ghastly mother. Have spent more time with him than I have done for years. Things a bit strained but not unpleasant and he has started sharing things about his work/ problems with me again. I am trying not to raise my hopes as I don't think he feels any spark but the situation is tolerable and I quite like it like this. He told me he feels down because he feels weak when he deals with me so I am trying to make him feel good about things in general.I feel very calm - calmer than I have done in months and feel good about myself as I am behaving properly and can look at myself and feel I have behaved decently which is important to me. I have also talked to husband about his drinking and am going to help him detox and he asked my advice on what he should do to cut down so its a start.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): please let him go before you get more hurt with him. to me you you sound like you are vrey nice person, and i also blieve that you can find someone better. we all wanna be treated good and be happy and i know you can find that someone now if you look little harder, please don't hurt your slef any more like the way i am hurting inside of me.
...............................
A
male
reader, tallbloke +, writes (1 June 2007):
Five months have passed now, you really need to ask yourself, how much time do you want to waste being unhappy? You won't live forever you know, you could be taken out with a brain tumour & then all this suffering was for what?
We are so lucky to be alive, the chances of human beings coming into existence are billions to one. Why not try and enjoy just being alive?
The ego is responsible for so much unhapiness in life, because if we don't get what we want then we'll fight tooth and nail to get it. This is only your ego (instincts), you should recognise this and try to rise above it. Try to move on and start doing more things to occupy your mind.
Have you thought of trying Mindfulness meditation? That is very good for calming the mind. It works wonders if you're persistent with it. Maybe you should go to Yoga classes or something?
You need to find that place where you can go to get some peace in your life. If you can experience that on a regular basis and you know you can go there at any time then life won't ever have you totally in it's grip again!
Wow, I'm booking my flight to Korea to become a Budhist monk, lol!
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (31 May 2007):
 Tell him to move out, (sooner rather than later or it might be YOU he hits next time,) give him the divorce and let him see his son, he has that right (as long as he sees him sober.)
Eve
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 May 2007):
Why are you not giving him a divorce? You should. You will get full custody if you can prove his excessive drinking. But he definitely should be able to see his son and so should the grandmother. You have to force yourself not to be vindictive and get on with your life. I know how hurt you are but it's over, get the divorce and start your future. Come on Sarcy, you are just beating a dead horse here.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (30 May 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wonder if any of the aunts out there can help me on this one. Husband has become nastier and nastier when he comes, now every 2 weeks. He is drinking very heavily and when he comes he is threatening, punching the air or the door next to my face and shaking me, spitting into my face etc. This behaviour has become worse and worse since I have refused to give him a divorce. Due to the mastiness of him in person and in his calls I have told him he can no longer see our child. Deep down I think this is wrong but it is the only way i can get through to him. Son doesn't seem to be bothered but I don't think I should do this. I have also stopped any contact with his mother either by phone or in writing as she was always trying to send him little notes and things. I am not happy with my behaviour and would like to know if anyone out there has done this kind of thing and if so how they felt about it. Husband is in need of psychiatric help without any doubt. I have tried being nice and friendly and he deems this to be me being needy and in honesty he behaves in a better way to me when I am stronger and dominant and take the lead. I know there is no hope in any of this or me being able to get him back I just want to be dealt with respectfully and fairly.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (17 May 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMade a truly terrible mistake. Husband came at the weekend to see child off on trip. I was very upset as never been separated from son for 6 days and was crying. We went back to the house and had a jacuzzi and some champagne and then one thing led to another and we had sex. We had sex on and off all night. It was cold unemotional and there was no closeness it was just pure sex. Husband kept reminding me that it was just sex and he didn't speak or anything. I now feel really stupid and humiliated and ofcourse used. This hasn't altered the dynamics of the relationship because he stll doesn't care, I just feel stupid. I am not sure if I can cope with any more contact from this man as he just fucks with my brain and so openly enjoys toying with me. It was so awful and I was so desperate for some form of physical contact that I feel like a prostitute.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): Get some control back in your life. It is perfectly plain that you are seething with fury that he is happy with no apparent consequence or guilt about what has happened. You can't make him want to come back and the more you try the more pathetic you will seem to him and all around you.
I drew my ex husband's face on some apples and shot them with an air rifle, which helped.
Raise your head, look at the outside world and find an adventure. You will be able to leave him behind - it usually takes about 1 month per year of the relationship that has ended, to recover. In that time do some self-development, get back your pride, fight for what you need in the divorce and find a good man...some day...not too soon.
Hint: When you start to go on dates with new people:
1. NEVER talk about your failed marriage, it is a huge turn-off and a warning signal to men.
2. Don't sleep with anyone too soon.
3. Be choosy, date several men and look for qualities that you like.
4. Watch out for signs of controlling personalities (these types can seem to worship and contact too much - which can seem good if you are low, until it turns creepy and hard to get rid of them) or excesses such as porn, alcohol, gambling etc.
5. Don't pick a compromise person who you think can be polished up. It never works, what you see is what you get.
6. Seek out hints and tips for avoiding seeming needy, it is one of he things that can happen when a woman has been left and who feels low self-esteem.
Read about all these things on the Internet and know your subject.
LEAVE your husband way behind.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (15 May 2007):
Hello Sarcy
im really sorry u have to go through what you are going through now. i understand you desperately wnat this man back, however you need to let him go. instead of contesting this divorce use this time to get closure. you can want a marriage with someone who doesnt want the same things as you. im sure for 14yrs you really know what marriage really mean and what makes it or nreaks it.
your son is watching all this things and i truly believe he can see what is going on you might think he is too small to realise the pain you two are putting each other through, do you ever pause and think what this might be doing to him? i also understand you might be thinking you are doing this for him. but if he was really grown after hearing all the brawls whenever his dad is around he would have asked to just let this man go, i know because i had been there when parents can smile to each other anymore my mother suffered a lot and we have to ask her to just let him go because the pain he was causing it was escalating down to us and believe me i think we suffered more because you dont know which way to go, so end this now before your son feels alienated.
love is the strangest thing i know maybe you feel like its hard to believe that the once loving, sweetest and most caring has turned out to be the opposite, the "good" thing about this is this husband of yours has been cruelly open with you that he wasnt coming back and its true if you love him like you claim you to do give him his freedom because the more you hold-on to this obsession you have the more you are hurting and distraught about this whole situation.
frankly i dont think deep down in your heart you want him i think its just the fear of loosing him after so many years you had spent together, as hard and painful as it is believe that it was not meant to last and move on with your life. you deserve so much happiness unfortunately yes another part of you will always wishes things were different and will still hopes things can get back to normal but you and i and the rest of the aunts who read this whole thing knows its over, he is gone and never comming back i know never seem like a lifetime.
give yourself sometime and go through your post again and all the responses you received maybe it will help you to realise that you are fighting a loosing battle. all the questions you have asked how to let go all the answers were provided. believe me if it doesnt hurt it aint love. all will be well with your soul if you let it be. you are the only one in control of your life; so its either you allow yourself to be humiliated any further by refusing to see the truth in black or white or you allow life to move through you and take this as a river you had a cross in order for you to look life in a different perspective.
good luck
jovial
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (12 May 2007):
Seriously, end this pain now, your fighting and groveling to hold onto your marriage is not getting you what you want, he has lost respect for you as a human being let alone as a wife and mother of his child. Ask yourself if this is the relationship you deserve? If it is, go ahead and stay down there in the muck and mud and hang on for all it is worth until there is nothingn left of you, your personality, your self respect your dignitiy and your love of self....if you have none of that continue to let this man you call husband crap all over you. What is it exactly that you are afraid of if you let this person who no longer wants you go? Is it the unknown, is it you don't want to be alone? Is it financial devestation you are afraid of? If it is, file for divorce first, beat him to it, who ever files first has the upper hand in the proceedings, get what he owes you and get out, then try to communicate about what happened what you want for your child going forward, wish him well, and allow him to stay in your child's life, and for God's sake move on and get your own life, find a new man who loves and respects you and values his marriage vows, you will never have what you want and deserve if you don't take the steps towards getting that. End it.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (10 May 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
It is now a little while since I got the devastating news that husband wants a divorce. This is resulted in countless rows with me telling him I will contest etc etc. I refuse point blank to go to the solicitor to initiate this as he is the one who wants it so badly. So far( and I am not complaining) he has done nothing. I am sitting here still in comfort making the most of it all before it all changes. Husband still continues to come round for the weekends and often the subject isn't raised as he knows I will fight and fight it. He is very very cold and tolerates me but ensures he spends as little time as possible with me face to face. He has stopped ringing as much and I suspect another woman is on the scene again. He says all efforts are going into his work. Everytime I ask to see him outside of the home he puts me off with work and meeting excuses. I am disappointed in myself for putting up with it as he so obviously desperately wants out but until he does something about it I am doing nothing. I still feel it is not fair and that he should try again but I am slowly accepting that if he doesn't want to then he isn't going to. I suppose that is weak but i can only be true to my own feelings. Obviously even now I am holding a glimmer of hope that he may want to come back but realistically as more time passes and he gets used to being away it isn't going to ever happen. He apears to have moved on and I am still the same. He is still consumed with hatred for me and the voice says it all. I obviously engender such feelings of hatred in him that I must have meant something to him once!! Anyway that's my update. Am crying less and can eat a little and sleep a bit more!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): sarcy
Now u can smile again as this is over I think we all felt ur pain but u had to go through it. This guy abused hurt (he can't trust u?) my god u are well shot of him. Go out and celebrate u watch & see in time to come his life will be a disaster he will get what he deserved(not what he wants) and u well u might be a bit lonley but u will be FINE WITHOUT HIM! hope u feel better soon
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): I am so sorry to read about all the problems youve been having with your husband, you sound like a very strong person. At the end of the day youve got to put yourself and your son first divorce him and move on with your life, easier said then done I know, I too found out my partner cheated on me Ive got the opposite problem hes begging to come back and I dont want him back ,there are worse things in life then being lonely and poor and living with a cheating lying man is definatley worse, once the trust is gone so is the relationship. Surround yourself with friends and family and dont be afraid to ask for help, best of luck for the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 April 2007):
Well Babe you gave it your best shot, but it's beating a dead horse now. It's over.You already know that ime is your friend and each day will be a bit easier. Stay busy.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (26 April 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Everyone,
Well today has been the hardest day of all. I thought things had been going quite well but husband finally managed to say that he wasn't coming back ever, had no feelings for me and wanted to end the marriage. He said he would take steps towards divorce but if I genuinely loved him like I said then I would set him free. He said whenever I spent anytime with him he felt in a mood and angry and that isn't him. He says he wants fun and passion and joie de vivre. He told me I had brought this on myself and should have treated him better over the years. There was a knot in his stomach that wouldn't go away. I am really upset. I kept asking him to repeat everything as it wouldn't sink in. I begged, grovelled and everything:- lost total self respect. He said he didn't want to know and it is over. He told me I didn't listen and why would I want to be with someone who wasn't interested in them. He wants a divorce as quickly as possible and that he wasn't trying to be nasty just being honest. He said I knew when he spoke to me there was total disinterest so I must have known how he felt. I kept on and on trying to make him give me another chance and he was as hard as nails. Made such a fool of myself. I now feel cross because I pushed him with the deadline and if maybe I hadn't done that things would have got better but the other half of me thinks it is better to know than to live in a no mans land of hope. He kept going on and on about if I truly felt unconditional love for him that I would let him be free and that I was inconsistent with my feelings and that I really didn't understand him and how he felt at all. He said when he even saw me he felt a knot in his stomach that was like a knot of fear/ neglect and abuse. I am struggling to come to terms with this as I don't believe a lot of what he is saying but I don't suppose that matters as it is his opinion and that's all the matters to him. I kept on and on asking him to try again. I am devastated as I really wanted him back. I have changed such a lot about myself but he said that it made no difference what you had done if the other person doesn't even want to be there. He is as cold as ice and will not give an inch. I have spent all day crying and am cried out. Things are so unfair in life. He has pointed the finger and been very nasty and just says he cannot trust me not to hurt him again and doesn't want to let his defences down. He has to want to come back to me and he doesn't. It is 5 months since he has gone and he said that it is ample time for him to know that it is not for him. I asked him about all the weekends that we have enjoyed together and he says they are good but not enough to know that I want to remain married to you. He is as hard as nails. Says he wishes me no ill will.
Any advice on moving forward, getting through the next few months?
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (21 April 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease can anyone give me some advice on how to make this situation go the way that I really want it. After 2 relate sessions husband and are now talk to each other without flying off the handle. I have put a deadline date of 1st May on him returning or it is over. Husband is very busy at work and having loads of evening meetings so says that he has not really had proper time to think clearly about our situation. I have asked him if he is going to return or not and he says he still has a boot in each camp. I have asked him what is putting him off coming back and he says that it is a real leap of faith to come back and that he is unsure that I have changed enough in 4 months after being the way I was for 14 years and he can still see glimpses of the old me which is putting him off. He says he will come and discuss everything on Sunday. Please can you help me find a way of phrasing how sorry I am that will make him believe it without putting his back up. I want the best possible way of getting across how much I have changed and that I want to move forward with him making him happy and I think if I can be suitably apologetic and put across my case he may well turn in my favour. He says he knows what I want and that he really has to think if he can start a completely new relationship with me as there is so much water under the bridge. I have told him I will extend the deadline date if it is too soon and he says no he will just get as far as he can with his thoughts by the deadline date and then act on the probability of how it will work out. I have told him how much I love him and that things will be different but I am finding it really hard convincing him. He says he is so busy that he is not really dwelling on this and realises that isn't fair but doesn't want to lose the momentum he has built up at work. He says he waxes and wanes all the time. How can I convince him that he should definitely come back home?
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (16 April 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow getting very close to 1st May. I am so sure that he isn't going to come back that I offered an extension to this time frame but he said it wouldn't make a difference. Husband tried for a while but now spends less physical time actually present with me although still calls. Appears to be weaning himself off me. If I mention anything tat happen after 1st May he says lets just get through next few weeks. Says he is still very open about his intentions and will let me know his decision asap. He says he is working through things and will work through things as far as he can by 1st may and get as far as he can. Says it is not a comfortable feeling opening his heart to the past and that he will not return if he doesn't feel he can genuinely put things behind him. He keeps questioning if this is love and says that I haven't really changed at all still controlling and too organisational for him. He says I have only 2 weeks to go and that I must bear with him and give him some space. I still don't understand his issue - you must know if you want to come back or not so why drag things out. He says he needs as much time as possible and will take it right up to the deadline as he thinks he needs all this thinking time. Things have become very very strained since I have put a timeline on things. I keep waxing and waning on this but think it is really for the best or I'll always be holding out a hope that he will return which I will know then is hopelessly unrealistic. I am driving him nuts with all these emotions running so highly and keep pushing and pushing. I am very stressed at the moment, cat got run over at weekend and am feeling very low. Everything seems to compound my misery. I know I have to perk up and make the best of things and I am trying it is just hard to focus on anything else at present.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (12 April 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings have calmed down considerably between me and the husband. The one benefit from Relate is that we can now talk calmly to each other even if we don't like what the other person is saying so well worth the money. I don't feel as needy or desperate anymore - whether this is due to time or I've resigned myself to him not coming back I am not sure. I do however feel a lot calmer inside. I have also stopped pushing the husband or making him talk when he is tired and drunk as this just makes for trouble. I did ask husband this morning which way he was heading and he said he was still open, he had a foot in each camp and that sometimes he felt that he would come back and then I said something and he thought no I'll stay away. Sadly I have worked out that it is me he doesn't like, he loves the house , food attention etc it is just that he doesn't want anything to do with me physically as he feels absolutely nothing for me. He has told me this time and time again and says that I wouldn't want him to lie to me so he is not going to lead me on. He says he could easily have a shag but it would be wrong. I suppose I should be pleased that at least he is being honest even though I don't like what he is saying. I have reconciled myself to him not coming back and he keeps using the phrase that it would be too distressful for our son to come back and then go again so it has to be right. Husband is very distant and creates a terrible atmosphere when he is here, neither me or son can relax. I think he is happier on his own or with others but he is very concerned about his long term access to son and the financial side of things as deep down he doesn't trust me in the way I will behave if he doesn't return. This must make him very anxious as I am being friendly and non threatening at the moment which is so unlike my normal pattern of behaviour. I am also exceptionally tired inside, mentally and physically and can deal with little more emotional trauma. I seem to have reached a point in my brain where I no longer feel panicky or terrified of being alone so that is good. We pussy foot around each other like walking on cut glass and husband will say unnatural things like take care and odd things that people would never say to their partner. All very false. I will be glad when this is over one way or another and I can concentrate my efforts into other areas.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): if he wants you to let him go let him go but if he wants you back fight for him and let her know that you want him back.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): Im sorry dear, but I really don't think that you should want him back after the way he has treated you.If you can't just be yourself over Easter and have to try to behave in a way that pleases him then it's simply not right, you deserve so much better.If he doesn't love you the way you are then you are always going to be unhappy and running around chasing this man.Think of your son in all of this, your husband drinks and shouts when he is at your house, have you thought about how this is affecting your son? You haven't established a routine for your son, you seem to let your husband come and stay whenever he feels like it and you allow him to treat you however he wants as well.Please, please, please stop chasing this guy, and stop trying. Ironically, this will probably be the one thing that may make him want you again so it is something to think about.Your self esteem is completely gone, it's clear from all your posts, you MUST stop chasing him, he cheasted on you, he is the one who should be trying to get you back, please move on! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): I was married for 29 years when my husband left me for a younger woman. I want him back, but he says he won't. We are seperated not divorced yet.I can't seem to leave him alone. I follow him, call him, drive by the place he is staying many times a day. If you find out how to STOP this craziness. Please let me know. I need help.I still LOVE him after everything he has done to me.SRVR
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (5 April 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone who has helped me over the last few months. As I still want my husband back and want to come cross in the best possible light can anyone guide me as to how to best behave over Easter. He is coming for the next 4 days, not same bed but will be present all the time. Any advice on how best to cope with this. I thought maybe not referring to our situation unless he raises it, making no pushy plans and just being pleasant but this is hard to keep up for so long with nothing back. I know his main complaints are my threats, controlling nature, constantly trying to organise things and going over and over things. Can anyone suggest the best way to react if things start going down hill. I have also limited the amount of alcohol in the house so that should help things.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (4 April 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings have got a little better recently. Husband although still not home has kept to his word and informed me of his whereabouts, been civil and allowed me to book one or two family events. I have taken a more friendly approach to him on the phone and have stopped screaming at him, offering him advice if he wants it re work and just not whining on all the time. He is coming for the whole of Easter ( no where else to go I suspect) so that will be an interesting time. We have been quite frienly each trying our hardest not to annoy the other. I have maintained my ulimatum of he either returns by 1st May or I divorce him and he understands this. We are due to go for more councelling next week. I do not think he will return during this time period as I think he will say he still hasn't sorted his head and needs more time but for me that is it. It will be 5 months and I think that is long enough for anyone. Husband coming over tonight as son has a friend for sleepover and that rather changes the bed issue so we will have to share unless he fancies the settee!! he probably will do the settee as has still made it really clear that he is not at the stage for any physical contact - one step at a time. I can see it plainly whirring around in husbands head that he does not want to lose any of his income and doesn't want to have very limited contact with child so he must be weighing things up. There is a resigned look on his face but he is a hard man not afraid of change so deep down I know he'll carry on and not come back as fundamentally he still feels it is the wrong thing for him. Son does not think he will return either. I will make it a nice Easter and behave well, just drink tea and not push him in anyway. He knows the score any more comments on it could be deemed as threatening so I'll leave well alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (29 March 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings have got a little better after going to Relate and husband has booked another session. We have started being civil to each other and treating each other with respect. Husband came round late last night to talk and we behaved properly, no shouting, no crying or anything like that. I promised him that I would no longer threaten or bully him to make him return and he really latched onto this saying that this vindictive side of my nature when I didn't get what I wanted mad him very wary and think of the past and did not fill him with positive thoughts for the future. No physical attention but behaved OK. I could tell he was desperate to leave in the morning, just wanted out of here as far away as possible so he could think. I don't think he believes me as he kept on saying 'is this you stopping to threaten me now or for ever' and I said politely that I would really try to keep my emotions incheck and no longer tell him that I would do a selection of nasty things to him if he didn't return'. Everytime he started on me I just said that yes he was right and that I behaved badly and that I was sorry. I think it undoubtedly helped that no alcohol touched me at all as this always makes me lose control, behave badly, cry and become abusive. I still told him that I wanted an end to this matter by 1st May as I could no longer live with the uncertainty and he said he understood. I have chosen this date as we will have been to a few Relate sessions by then and apart for nearly 5 months and I hope even he will know what he wants to do by then. I really hope I can keep to this as when I get cross and riled I am very controlling and nasty but I will try my damndest to behave like a lady. I am still very unsure which way this is going to go but I feel that because I do still want him back that this is the best way forward if I stand any chance at all
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (26 March 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHad Relate session today. Was in the most awful attic type building but actually I benefitted from going!! Husband behaved very well, turned his chair to talk to me and not the councellor, was well mannered and charming. I was upset and cried to begin with but soon pulled myself together. He explained we were moving in different areas and that he wanted just to be able to see if there was anything still there and to learn to be able to communicate with me. I cried and said I just wanted him back. Councelor said that husband wouldn't put himself through this unless he felt something. I did explain that I felt there was no point being there and councellor asked husband if he felt that the marriage was over. He neatly avoided this issue by saying there were things to deal with and he didn't honestly know ( This read like a big YES to me). Everything came out the death of our child, birth of next child, post natal depression , him being ignored and neglected for years as I was too depressed to take any action on anything, problems with sex, no friends, everything. I mentioned his affairs and how much they hurt me and trust issues which he accepted but didn't apologizs for. Overall he was very decent in his behaviour - I of course swore and called his girlfriends slags but couldn't help it. Lady councellor didn't bat an eye lid so must have seen and heard it all before. Husband said I was scared of the future without being in a married unit and that I was fearful of everything. I am fearful of the marriage ending but not of everything so I did say this. Also discussed sex and I explained that I had had a very low sex drive but had had this dealt with by therapy and various doctors presciptions etc. Sex is a very big thing for my husband. I tod councelor that unless he came back soon I would divorce him and she was vg saying that she undertood that I was uncertain but sometimes there were no answers and you had to accept the uncertainty. We left it that we were so far apart all we could do at this moment in time was try to treat each other with respect and speak to each other in a decent manner. Husband also said he would let me know his whereabouts as trust is such an issue to me. Went for a drink afterwards where it was all so odd as he kept flirting with me. Gave very mixed signals. Got back to tube station and he said that he might come round on Tuesday. Having had a g & t to give me dutch courage very strangely I asked him if he still wanted to 'do' it with me and he said 'somethimes I do but not very often'. I said 'so if I came to you when you stay overnight would you be interested and he said it would depend on my mood.' Very strange. He then grinned at me kissed me on the lips and got on the tube!! Odder than odd. Left me in a right quandary as this is an area we never cover.
Decided I will go back for another session as he is paying and with a mediator at least we are not screaming at each other. Feel strangely calmer and tired but not so agressive so something must have worked.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): Im sorry, but I cant help wondering why in all this time you haven't seemed to take any of the advice offered here? Its more like a diary than a question. I don't think it is advise you want at all, you are doing exactly the same things regarding this awful man who treats you so very badly, as you were in your original post. Its heartbreaking to read.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2007): hi sarcy
regardless of how it goes tomorrow at Relate(&I wish you luck) you are banging your head against a brick wall like I did. Yo9u are strong person with opions of how you will be treated do not let this guy husband or not change your personality cmon so you found out he cheated threw him out you did the right thing then afterwards you thought I might give him another change right again but has he done anyghing for you NO & he wont its his nature now get used to it he wont change back am afraid to say mine was the exact same after 18yrs hes still the same all about him no thought for anyone else selfish weak B....... he will not change unless he wants to he wants to call the shots and put you down don't bother him get a job look after yourself & your son you can do it & tell him to f... off.
...............................
A
male
reader, home_land  +, writes (25 March 2007):
 hellotake your time be true with your selfand ask your self why he left there is allways things we dont know about and you dont say and that makes it had to answer.good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (25 March 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell another day has gone past and not a sign so I rang. Phone on voicemail so left message. Many hours later got text saying it would call. It didn't so I rang. Said it had flu and not able to go anywhere. Obviously said 'why haven't you rung for 3 days' and he said that it worked both ways, I could have rung. Considering he dislikes me calling as I am 'checking up on him' I thought it was a bit rich. He was incredibly nasty on the phone, rude, uncaring , basically told me to go and **ck myself! I was so calm and tried to talk in a measured manner saying that I was worried about him and yet again why hadn't he come to me so I could have looked after him and I got the answer of 'I didn't want to!! They do say ask and you'll get back what you DON'T want to hear!! I tried to have a mini discussion about Relate in advance of meeting and he wasn't playing. Just kept saying that this can all be discussed tomorrow, stop being so controlling and needy and see how it goes. Said he wasn't prepared to gloss over anything and we had to go back to basics. I tried to ask him to communicate with me in a particular way which would help me ( basically to keep in touch more and let me know whereabouts, because of the affair, trust gone etc) but he pretended he didn't understand then screamed at me if you don't trust me why on earth do you want me back. He was as cold as ice, told me he could never imagine sleeping with me ever again and that I was useless in bed etc etc, real nasty putdowns. Now I know he is not well and not in the mood for any extra grief but truly vile. The nastier he became the calmer I was. I told him that I would control my outbursts and that I'd just go with the flow more. I was good as I ended the conversation pleasantly saying I'd see him tomorrow etc and he then said he'd call me later! Being softer and less agrressive and making NO PLANS WHATSOEVER with him almost works instantaneously!!
I am going to do a few more things. I go to the gym a lot and am going to go out more. I have also seen more of the nice 'lunch man' who bolsters my ego and genuinely appears to like me for me!! I have found that some people actually do like me and spending time with me and that's made me feel a bit better about myself. I have lost 2 stone and am painfully thin (size minus 0) but look quite good and noticed when I went into London last week that some men were actually looking at me. Massive ego boost!!! I do love my husband but the rowing has gone so far and he feels he has been so badly treated by me that i am not sure that there is any going back. There is for me because I want to but you do have to want to and deep down he doesn't. Well tomorrow its Relate day so know doubt I'll be on again soon!! I'll take lots and lots of tissues!!
...............................
A
male
reader, home_land +, writes (25 March 2007):
hello
i do understand what your going through and there is a book
writin by Peter lauster called Die liebe or the the love and when my wife left me the last time i was lost i didnt eat smoked 120 cig a day i had nouthing to think about only her and why and long you are doing that you will be at the same spot .and that book did help me to 40%and try to go out on your own for a walk try to do nice healthy things becouse what you are doing is not good for your health
so try to get healthy to be able to think "HEALTHY"
good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (25 March 2007):
I think you are trying very hard to fix your marriage and cause an effect on your alchoholic husband, I think you're blaming yourself wrongly for being very frustrated and scared married to an addict....I really think you need to run for cover, you can not save this man on your own, do not believe what he says about you, you are not the problem with this marriage, you did not cause this rift between you, your husband is a master manipulator, his personality is disengaged from reality, and you are falling into the pit of his illness. Save yourself and climb out....stop whining, pull yourself out of this pit and leave this marriage until your husband gets sober,
You are in a co-dependent relationship, which in my view only applies to spouses of addicts, and not the rest of us....please, stop beggging him to come back....let him get well, let him hit bottom if that is what it takes for him to stop killing himself with alchohol and drugs...You aren't fooling any one here, so why are you letting him fool you?
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (25 March 2007):
You KNOW the answer, you said so yourself, you just need to put it into practise. For one, you admitted you have too much time on your hands and are bored. You're using this time to get on his bad side. I would advise you to find something to keep your attention, a new hobby, redecorate your house, spend more time with your son, try baking, embroidery, something to keep YOU occupied so that you don't annoy him.
You say you KNOW you are doing it but can't stop. That's rubbish, it's because you don't WANT to stop that you're continuing. Remember this... You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK.
Eve
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (24 March 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGetting sadder and sadder today because its Saturday and don't know where he is, who it's with or what it is up to. Have not heard anything from him for a while since having a bust up on phone. Relate sesson is booked for Monday and this is also making me nervous. The fact husband hasn't rung on a Saturday and he normally comes down has really unsettled me but I have stopped myself from calling him as he knows where we are if he wants us. Last conversation ended with me saying that 'I loved him and wanted him back and that I had changed everything and would be more sociable do anything he wanted etc etc but that I couldn't force him to come back.' Could take a horse to water but couldn't make it drink. He said that the main reason he didn't want to come back was because of our son, if he came back and it didn't work out it would be even more distressing for him. Personally ,I feel this is a cop out. Also said that the relationship is about feelings not just doing things. He says I am vicious and nasty and that I haven't changed at all and he is right - my personality hasn't changed I have just embraced new things and been more sociable but my fundamental personality can't really alter. I know I need to tone down the flying off the handle routine which I find so difficult. It isn't getting me anywhere and pushing him further away because the nastier I am the less he rings. He told me that I always have to get in what I want to say however nasty it is and that is true. I just can't seem to control my anger at the moment and this is making him really dislike me. Last time commented on some fat bitch in his office and hadn't he called because he was out with his slag and other choice comments. Something just snaps inside and this is because I am not getting what I want and so much time is passing. I can't cope with the passing of time with no conclusion and he appears to be totally unbothered by the passing of time or reaching any conclusion. He feels because he pays for everything then that's just fine. I know my behaviour has to alter or this man will definitely go for ever. ( Probably already gone - but still not wanting to accept). I have this awful female quality of just pushing and pushing , always wanting to know the answer in a prescribed , presciptive manner which drives him crazy. I know I am doing it as well - I just can't stop. He said I was the kind of person who would have written down pages of pointers for Relate ( and I have) but I should just be open and honest and say what I feel without it being scripted. I am not this kind of person, I am very well organised and everything is detailed and booked and runs like clockwork!! After 14 years you would think he would have accepted that trait!! It's been very hepful in his career to date! All I want to know is 'what happens after Relate' and 'where do we go from there' and all he ever says is lets just see what they say first and take it from there.
Therefore not heard from him at all today and have left him alone. A friend says I made my point clear and probably best to leave well alone. Every conversation since last weekend which was really good and ended with long kiss and cuddle has now become a fight. It is Ok when he is physically present it is as soon as we get on the phone that it starts. I am also very bored so have a lot of time on my hands to think about things over and over again. Physically I am looking quite good , stomach now flat and toned and well tanned but mentally I am completely messed up. Having enormous trouble sleeping through the night and have to get up to wander around at about 3am each night. I really do understand all of this is totally pointless and I am doing myself no good and should just chill but it is so hard for someone of my nature. I really do know that to leave him alone and not push, be pleasant and let him take his time is the way forward but so hard to do in practice. Thank you all for listening and replying to these blogs of mine as they really do help me.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (22 March 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReached a total stalemate between me and the husband now. Everytime we speak we go round in circles, he wanting one thing and me wanting another! Every discussion I have with him tries to cajole him into coming back and he always says lets see what happens after Relate and then we can talk again. He says that the past is hard to forgive and that being so badly treated for so long chips away at you and now although he has feelings for me does not know how to trust anymore. Also says that he was forced away by being neglected and that if he comes back it has to be for the right reasons because to come and go again would be too much for our son. He says he hopes the sessions can unravel his feelings and help him look at them in a different light. Very mature !! I point out that my trust in him has been completely eroded by his lies and womanising and he acknowledges this and says this is why we need help to get us to where we want to be as we are in different places. Always, always points out that it took him to leave before I changed anything about myself. This is all very well but as far as I can see where we want to be is in entirely different places!! I keep saying what is the point in going through this Relate process unless you want to come back, surely you must know what you want to do etc etc ( pushing) and he says he is entirely open and will see what happens. He says it is only one session and that everything has always been on my terms so surely I can do one thing for him. I don't dispute this and I will go but I do feel that nothing will be achieved and that he won't want to talk after the session and it will be the same all over again with him still choosing to stay away. This inability for me to control the outcome is driving me bonkers. Therefore, now we have reached a stalemate because if I speak to him at any length the conversation goes into the above loop and gets nowhere so i am formal and get him off he phone ASAP. He can't cope with me at all. At least I have stopped asking him when he is coming round because having him here is too exhausting for me and the work involved in running a mini hotel is phenomenal. He is obviously feeling better and I can hear in his voice that when I am cold that he is laughing thinking ' oh thats the game we are playing today is it'. I don't feel I am going to win over this man at the moment and it has turned into a game where he is certainly not going to give in . When I ask him what is going to happen after Relate and say 'I'm not going for many sessions, what happens afterwards etc etc' he just goes along the lines of 'lets see what they have to say first' so there is no promise of a happy ending for me. My friend said that I should just sit pretty and play along as its not costing me anything apart from mental torture which I can overcome , all bills are paid and let him force the issue and as long as I can cope with him eventually raiisng the topic of divorce as nothing goes on forever then to stick with it. Infact although I am hurt it is not uncomfortable and I have grown used to being on my own. The only thing I still don't like is not knowing what he is really up to at night ( or who with) but in truth its none of my business. I still think he sees the woman when he feels like it but covers his tracks well always ringing at same time, is plausable etc. I hope she enjoys listening to him banging on about what a bitch of a wife he has got!! Can't think of any other way to behave at present other than cool and formal as emotional conversations with him get me nowhere. He will ask 'how are you' and other leading questions and I can tell he gets a kick if I say how unhappy I am about the situation so maybe he feels he is paying me back for what he sees that I have done to him and enjoys seeing me suffer. He did point out that he had 13 years of misery and I had had 3 months and didn't like it so see how that feels! Because of this I refuse to be drawn into these conversations any more. More than anything I have come to realise that what will be will be and he'll either come back or he'll stay away. As much as I want to I cannot force him into doing anything and every time I try it just backfires. He is a strange and difficult man and obviously feels he is justified in his beliefs and this is what he truly believes so I am at a loss to know how to deal with it or what to say other than constantly apologising.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): This is not srcy but my god you lot have saved my life! I have been reading these posts & this is me I am no longer living with my ex hes's with someone else but I am still in love with him & meet up he's drunk everytime. I kid myself that he feels the same as I do but it's just another lie he cheated on me & now he's cheating on his new partner with me i am so stupid but like others my age now 42 after being with him since 19 i don't want to love anyone else cause I have been hurt (understatement) i have had councelling but didn't think it helped as it could not answer why he was treating me like this but after reading the posts here and adding a few of my own I now see the light I thank you all take care
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (19 March 2007):
I think you have a man who is a drunk, his first relationship is with alchohol and drugs, you aren't having a real marriage with him, he is married to his addictions, and he will cheat if he feels like it because he doesn't really love any body, including himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): so do you think the real prob is the drink or is it the cheating or do you think if he didn't drink he wouldn't cheat. I agree with all that you are sayiong as this has happened to me and I never knew which was more to blame but like this lady the cheating killed me but the drinking was just as bad if not worse .
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (18 March 2007):
On Feb 20, you wrote that your husband came over and was sober, and said he was on the wagon for a month, which you told him was a good idea. Then 6 days, six days! later you made up the spare bedroom for him and he came in roaring drunk, swaying and mean enough that it scared you. You mentioned he has at last one drinking and driving charge, in the US, it only takes 4 of these to become a felon....how many does he actually have?
It is interesting to me, that no one, not even you, really talk about his addiction to alchohol, you only have alluded to it, and that he might be using drugs. My post below still stands as this is the only reason you are having these relationship problems, and he is a very sick puppy, my advice is as written below...I know from personal experience about this, I was not married to one, but have had the unfortunate experience of falling in love with one before I even knew he was one, he was very intelligent and highly functioning, until it came to night time when he was an surly drunk, he had many many issues, and a former drug use problem dating back 20 years prior.
I have a relative who is also dying from alchoholism, and we have had close family friends, with parents who did the same, died from the long term effects of alchohol.
You are fighting a losing battle, and the sooner you get your head around this and accept it the better for you, for him and for your son....get the appropriate help, you don't need marriage counseling, he needs rehab and quick!
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (17 March 2007):
Hello, first off I am sorry for your unhappiness. After reading all of your posts and your general dissatisfaction with your husband and your relationship, I think that you are dealing with a very sick and dysfunctional alchoholic.
You are behaving in a very co-dependent manner, which is par for the course when you are a spouse of an alchoholic.
Your husband is on a path to self destruction, your staying with him is actually worse for him than if you had left, in fact in would be best if you told him that you were leaving him and you were cutting him off from seeing your son, as this is not healthy for your son either, until he checks himself into a rehab facility and becomes clean from any alchohol and drug use.
Your husband may be suffering from mental illness such as severe depression, bipolar disorder or even the beginning stages of schizophrenia. Alcholholism is a progressive disease, it takes hold over a person psychologically and biologically and changes them on the cellular level. The personality actually disentigrates before your very eyes, and in effect he is actually crazy to put it mildly. You cannot deal rationally with an irrational person. Think of him this way, once a cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never become a cucumber again, it is forever changed. Your husband will never be the same person he was before he pickled his brain with alchohol, never. He needs to stop before he actually kills himself, and one way you can help him is to hire a trained interventionist and have an intervention, but to do that you need to threaten and mean to withdraw yourself permanently from his life and remove your son as well....if you have financial power and or power over him with his son, then that is one of the only catalyst for actual change that he has.
If you keep taking him back and letting him treat you this way, then his drinking will continue for the rest of his life. To save yourself and your son, you need to cut him out of both of your lives, and you may just save your husbands life as well. This is the most loving thing that you can do for him, it is the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself and your son. You no longer have a husband, you have a guy who has pickled his brain, is very mentally ill, and you are beating yourself up for not getting him in his current mental state, how could you, unless you were down their in the alchoholic gutter with him. It is not you, you can't win this battle, he is gone, and I don't mean in the sense that you have pushed him away, he is very sick and you need to let this go for your own sanity. You don't deserve this, this is an absolute deal breaker, walk away, get the intervention and pray that he will go into treatment.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): Oh you poor thing, I have been popping in on your message for a while to see how things are going and Im so sorry to hear you sound so sad.
You've tried everything and no one can blame you for trying to fix your marriage so please try to hang in there and keep in mind that you will get over this and feel better someday, however hard it might be to imagine now.
Im going through a terrible time getting over somebody myself, and like you I am feeling like a fool for trying so hard to hold onto a man that didn't want to be held on to but there's 2 quotes I try to keep in mind, "Id rather have nothing than settle for less" and "Id rather look a fool than never have tried".
Good luck and try to do something nice this weekend, chat with a friend, go out somewhere, pamper yourself. Keep your chin up xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): HiJust read your update now LISTEN HE IS THE PROBLEM NOT YOU! get that into your head. He is using every excuse am not well (Tough) best advice DO NOTHING leave him to stew no phone calls no dinners no meeting tell him to stay away from the house arrange for someone else to let him and your son meet up (thats if your son wants to go now) this will make you stronger as he is taking up all your energy and making you feel bad about yourself again you are not alone and you are not the only woman or man that has felt like this or been through this your not making a fool of yourself you will make yourself ill if this carrys on take a break for good who knows what might happens but if it is over you will cope you coped before you met him and you will cope again be strong thinking of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (16 March 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEver so sad and made such a fool of myself. Pushed this chap to come back because I want it and he doesn't . Finding it really hard to accept this and move on. Last night he rang me to say he still wasn't well and I couldn't stop pushing it and pushing it trying to get him to come back even for a while so i could look after him. He wasn't having any of it and now I am making a complete fool of myself. He doesn't give a shit and I am making such a fool of myself over and over again. He kept telling me to get off the phone and let him sleep but I went on and on ending with me slamming the phone down on him. Now surprise, surprise he won't speak to me at all. He has a really busy job and has meeting and things all the time while I am at home focussing on this all the time. Hate myself for behaving in such a needy way. I just can't seem to let go as he keeps fishing with me. I know and don't want to accept that it is over and that when he says he doesn't like me he doesn't but it is so awful to hear I just won't accept it. Really hard day today. I know he won't call because I just wind him up but he is so hateful and hurtful to me I can't stop myself. I have spent a long time thinking about this and I think its because he isn't sorry about the affair in anyway and for some reason I still expect him to grovel back to me and beg forgiveness which is why I keep trying to control things maintain the upper hand. The more time we are apart the less likely this is to happen and he feels happy that he isn't with me anymore especially when I behave like this. I don't know what to do, I can either sit with the cc and carry on but try to chill a bit or force the divorce through so I have a finite end to things. I keep putting off the latter as I am always hopeful he will return but this is ridiculous. We have reached the stage where whatever one says the other immediately rips apart and disagrees with it. It is very hard to let go and I don't feel nice about this. I feel further back in emotional stakes then I did when he first left. I seem unable to stand back and keep away although I am not instigating the calls just always pissing him off when he does ring. Anyway terrible day today.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 + ♥, writes (15 March 2007):
sarcy24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell here we go again. Husband still living in the City but getting on quite well with each other, being a lot more considerate. He calls all the time to actually speak to me, not child and asks my opinions on things with regard to work etc. We have had lots of meaningful talks about how we feel about the past and things and have agreed that we can't actually communicate. Session at Relate booked for Wednesday. Today he called me to say that he had had to go to doctors as he was so exhausted and that he needed complete rest and had gone back to the flat to sleep. Probably alcohol poisoned but apparently doctor said exhaustion and stress. I suggested he came here as I would look after him and then he could go back to the flat when he felt better and he just lost it. Started swearing at me and really screaming in a nutty kind of way screaming at me to F**K off and leave him alone. Kept screaming at me to go away and leave him alone and that he couldn't take anymore and wanted to be left alone to die. He put phone down and I didn't call back. I honestly don't think I have pushed him to this I think it is work, drink, ( maybe drugs) and obviously our situation is part of it. After this call I went back to the awful realisation that he isn't coming back because if you're not well you'd go home. I know all of you have told me that it is over but he'd been making such an effort that it did seem different and he was so into the Relate thing. I am unsure if i am overreacting because when people get really tired they do want to be left alone - it's just that I think the truth of how he really feels came out. Am not going to ring to even check on it but leave it alone. I was worried about it being alone and unwell but I'm alone and I haven't turned to drink or anything. Probably best to give it some SPACE - I hate that word. Friends say just carry on as normal, everything is paid for and let him make the first move either towards divorce or to coming back - just stop pushing it. Am going back to the old way of being distant and unavailable. Was really naughty but bought a dres on its cc as I felt I'd earned it. Mother in law is flying in on Sunday so it will want the car so I'll just wait to see what happens next!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): It seems to me that your husband is giving you false hope, whatever his ulteria motive. you are just going to put yourself all the pain he has caused you again and again, you should get rid of him for good. Take advice from those here who make sense, you need a good shake to wake up and see the reality, or you will be back here after going to relate as it will never work.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): I think you are a fool to try and reconcile with this man. He talks to you as though you are a child and you are so obviously under his thumb that you are willing to put up with it. You are a fool to try and make things work with him. Im sorry to sound so harsh but from all you have said, it's really clear to see he is not good for you and not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.Good luck with relate but I don't think it will help. This marriage is patently over.
...............................
A
|
