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*larey agony aunt

*larey

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*larey's profile:

Hello there you all. I am a creative type with two degrees in the arts. I play guitar. I am very happy.

I have worked mainly in health care for years and have met many people, listened to many stories about life and lived through a lot as well. I have been divoced, suffered from depression, worked with homeless people, children, all sorts of professionals and developed an ability to think from many angles. I am fascinated by people and how different they are and very interested in motives and what drives people to be caring and good, a bit bad, uncertain and even mean. I am thoughtful about family dymanics and break-ups and how parents use their children to punish one another. I wish that we treated each other equally and with respect rather than filing different types of people into sub-species and finding excuses for treating them in ways we would not to be treated or have our children treated. I am a bit of an idealist with a kind heart.

Latest articles:

Hope from experience, from me to you

This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted

1 February 2008: To all those neurotics out there like me who don’t understand what is going wrong – a message of hope from experience. My story is for all those folks out there who think they don’t quite fit in, make a mess of relationships, worry too much, ...

12345Next > [5 pages, 152 answers]

Was everything going too fast too soon?

Q.   My boyfriend and I (I'm 23, he is 26) had been together for 3 1/2 years and he broke up with me a few weeks ago. We were each others first loves. It's kinda a long story... We had been dating and he went to the UK for work/travel in 2006 (he has a ...

A.   19 December 2008: I was sad for you when I saw your story as you must be in a lot of pain. Men say things in a very hurtful way sometimes. I am quite sure that he cares about you. This is one of those occasions when you are to be tested and it happens in all ... (read in full...)

I am really unhappy when my boyfriend compared my looks and figure with movie actresses!

Q.   I am really unhappy when my boyfriend compared my looks and figure with movie actresses. He complains that my boobs are small. I recently found out that he is always checking out movie actresses after we have watched the shows. He told me cos they ...

A.   26 June 2008: I can't see why you are with a man who ogles other women, puts you down and is addicted to porn. Don't you think you should do better? It is not your job to change him, so many women fall into that trap. What you see is what you get. Don't try ... (read in full...)

After we had sex he said he'd call... it's been three days and I am going coo coo!!

Q.   There has always been a chemisty between me and one of my best friends roommates. We ended up making out drunk at a party a couple months ago. We saw each other through our mutual friend we flirt, but nothing ever happened. Recently we ended up ...

A.   25 June 2008: Don't do anything. Doubtless when he sees you again he will come on strong, but I would not take him up on it unless he contacts you before that. He may not want a steady thing remember. He said he would call you, so if he wants to he will. ... (read in full...)

Husband cheated and other woman got pregnant, what should I do?

Q.   A year and a half ago, my husband had an affair. The OW got pregnant. We decided to separate because of this and I moved away. My husband's reasons for starting the affair are many, but one of them being that I didn't want children yet and he ...

A.   25 June 2008: The strain must be unbearable. There has been a whole radio series about a couple facing the same as you, here in the UK. It is BBC Radio 4, The Archers. I don't know how the wife stood it but she ended up taking the child in after his mother ... (read in full...)

Fallen for my bed buddy....what should I do???

Q.   I started seeing a bed buddy about 2 months ago, we're both single and we started meeting up for sex. The sex is fantasic the problem is ive developed feelings for him! Ive been hurt in the past and have stayed single for 2 years coz i didnt wa...

A.   20 June 2008: If only life were so simple! Why do people fall for this con that is telling them you can have sex without it having a consequence? Having sex with people means spending emotional currency and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Even when peop... (read in full...)

What can I text my boyfriend to keep him with me?

Q.   I just really starting dating, you know as a teenager, so i just got this boyfriend and i really like him but im still afraid that he will break up with me since young love never last. i text him alot, so is there any things i can say that isnt to ...

A.   20 June 2008: Your profile says you are older, perhaps a mistake. Anyway, don't overtext as this will feel like an intrusion and a bit clingy. Once a day is a good bottom line although maybe more if you get bantering. I usually send things which I hope my ... (read in full...)

Can I trust my girlfriend after she's lied to me?

Q.   Ok, I want to ask for outside opinions of whether I should trust my girlfriend. Sorry for the length, but it's necessary to explain. We've been together for 2'ish years now, although we do not live together. One night, we were both at our resp...

A.   20 June 2008: Perhaps the problem with her is not the one occasion, it is a build-up of things that make you feel she conceals things or is not truthful with you. On its own I would say the incident with "S" would not be such a worry, if that is, your trust was ... (read in full...)

WHy did I sleep with the ex bf?

Q.   I did a stupid thing last weekend. I was visiting my old city for a fest and stayed with my ex boyfriend and slept with him. I feel so stupid now. I am disappointed that to him it really was only a one night stand. He cheated on me many many times ...

A.   17 June 2008: Relax. This is just a case of putting on a comfortable pair of old slippers in a weak moment. You are perfectly deserving of self-forgiveness and perhaps to decide that you won't do it again. In fact if he does contact you tell him it was just ... (read in full...)

We're trying to make it work after his affair, but he spends his days dreaming about little Miss Perfect!

Q.   My husband of 20 years has been having an affair with a much younger woman he works with. He thinks that he is in love with the other woman and although he's apologised and said that he's sorry it is obvious that she continues to occupy his ...

A.   17 June 2008: The only way to make him appreciate you if you want him to is to tell him he is free to go. Personally I would throw him out but that is up to you. You could tell him that you are not sure how you will feel if he wants you back, that will make him ... (read in full...)

Is having sex with prostitutes a bad idea when you're a beginner like I am?

Q.   is having sex with prostitutes a bad idea when your a beginner like me? ive only ever had sex with prostitutes because i cant get girls any other way. they have no interest in clubs, pubs or any where else, there always horrible to me and call me ...

A.   17 June 2008: Well prostitutes are nicer because they are paid to be, it does not mean they are being genuine even with themselves. After that life they are probably happy to have a friendly word. They would not want to be with you, unless you paid them. ... (read in full...)

Cyber-Sex - Cheating Or Not?

Q.   This has been on my mind after someone mentioned to me that she had cyber-sex with someone who wasn't her boyfriend without her boyfriend knowing about it. We've all seen or heard about someone (maybe even yourself) participating in cyber-sex, ri...

A.   13 June 2008: It is cheating. There are so many opportunities for addictions around and this one affects intimacy and trust. Here is an analogy: You know how we see a move back towards healthy food now after years of burgers and fast food? Well people rela... (read in full...)

What does "love" mean to men?

Q.   I am a person who beileves in just having sex with the one you love,but not someone else, no matter how hot others are. And being faithful to your partner is vital to a relationship based on true love. I have been wondering what does "love" mean to ...

A.   12 June 2008: I know what you mean, but there are loads of unanswered questions about how people can do things. Such as how can a soldier kill in war but not on the street. It is compartmentalisation (plus justified politically). Because they usually would ... (read in full...)

What does "love" mean to men?

Q.   I am a person who beileves in just having sex with the one you love,but not someone else, no matter how hot others are. And being faithful to your partner is vital to a relationship based on true love. I have been wondering what does "love" mean to ...

A.   12 June 2008: Some men can separate or compartmentalise issues. If you want to find someone who is the faithful type there must be ways of cutting down the odds for finding a cheater. For example, someone who volunteers time for a cause obviously has high ... (read in full...)

Should I tell him about the abuse or not??? Please help!

Q.   me and my bf have been going out for 9 months were both 17 and boths virgins! but when i was like 7 or 8 i was sexually abused like i was never made have sex just made do other things with this guy who was 20ish i never ever told anybody and im over ...

A.   9 June 2008: No, do not tell. Not a good idea. You don't need to unload on him as it may be too heavy and freak him out as well as make you seem vulnerable. You are vulnerable. Talk to someone else (adult, counsellor, trusted senior)about it and use what you ... (read in full...)

I suffer from a tremendous amount of guilt and shame for having sex before marriage! Will guys hate me?

Q.   I feel rather confused. I've always believed in God (Im a Christian/Anglican) but have never really been to church much but still believe in God and also the morals and values from my religion. To me thats the main thing that draws me to it, I ...

A.   5 June 2008: Hurrah! A person with morals. When I read some of the questions here from girls worried about their boyfriends going to lapdancing clubs, prostitutes and being addicted to porn, having threesomes and heaven knows what. It depresses me so much but ... (read in full...)

How to set up a watching game?

Q.   Can those who have watched their wives doing it with other men, give me some advise on how best to set about arranging such action?...

A.   3 June 2008: This must be a hoax, no woman would be married to a man like you, surely.... (read in full...)

What do most women feel bout men going to strip clubs?

Q.   Ive been in a relationship for 6 years and am now living with him. Last year he went travelling for a month in Europe and by accident i found a diary from when he was away saying that he'd been to a strip club and had two lap dances. One with one ...

A.   13 May 2008: Have a look at a website called www.object.org.uk. There is an article by a previous lapdancer on there, who says she would now treat a visit to a lapdancing club as infidelity. If it were me I would not take this as a sign of trustwor... (read in full...)

He said it was all in fun, and that receiving her messages and contact made him feel good.

Q.   I have had some personal family crisis problems in the past 3 months, and had not been very nice or very effectionate to my husband. In the weeks that I had my problems, he started talking to a 23 year old girl on line which was harmless at first...

A.   13 May 2008: How awful for you. I know you have had some problems but that is no excuse for his behaviour. I don’t know what your issues were but everyone needs to be able to have a bad time and know their partner will stick with them. There is not room for ... (read in full...)

Should I be worried about the girls he chats to on the pc or should I just brush it under the carpet?

Q.   Hi, any suggestions or help would be gratefully appreciated. My partner and I have been together for 3 yrs and had a baby son 4 mths ago. We've had our ups and downs as most couples do, mainly to do with money as we own a house together and...

A.   9 May 2008: Please let me know how you get on. Remember that people do change and can be remorseful. You may find he has found being a Dad very hard and is feeling left out, or other similar problem. If that is the case, your efforts at getting to the bottom ... (read in full...)

Should I be worried about the girls he chats to on the pc or should I just brush it under the carpet?

Q.   Hi, any suggestions or help would be gratefully appreciated. My partner and I have been together for 3 yrs and had a baby son 4 mths ago. We've had our ups and downs as most couples do, mainly to do with money as we own a house together and...

A.   8 May 2008: Sorry but this is a betrayal. Tell him that you know about it, how it makes you feel and that you want it to stop. If it does not there must be a consequence which you should warn him of. There must be a complete apology and he needs to work on ... (read in full...)

Romantic music for a wedding - ideas please.

Q.   Hi, This is probably an unusual one! But I am looking for help in regards to picking out music for an upcoming wedding ceremony! I dont want anything too lonely as it will be lonely enough. But ideas of more romantic tone. The main one I am having ...

A.   7 May 2008: Whhooops, Vivaldi, obviously working too hard at the moment. Even had it at my own wedding!... (read in full...)

Romantic music for a wedding - ideas please.

Q.   Hi, This is probably an unusual one! But I am looking for help in regards to picking out music for an upcoming wedding ceremony! I dont want anything too lonely as it will be lonely enough. But ideas of more romantic tone. The main one I am having ...

A.   7 May 2008: Mozart 4 Seasons, Spring movement is lovely to come in to.... (read in full...)

My fiancee wants me to forgive him and accept his baby with another girl!

Q.   Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we are engaged and he is with me everyday, never spent a night away apart from 3 times in the whole 2 years to work. The last time he went away was January and I have just found out he got a girl pregnant. ...

A.   28 April 2008: Give yourself time. This is too soon to forgive, although you may be able to (not sure I could). You could fool yourself into accepting this because you don’t want it to be true. Some things people do and say change our relationships forever. ... (read in full...)

My playboy boyfriend lies to me all the time, how do I confront him? Please help.

Q.   Hi everyone, I would really appreciate some constructive advice on my problem. I am a complete mess at the moment and I can't stop crying and worrying all the time. Background: I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 5 years. We dated fo...

A.   25 April 2008: He is no good for you. These years are very important, if you waste your time on him you may not get the family and settled life that you want. The more he damages you the less you will be able to trust men and the harder it will be to settle ... (read in full...)

BF in contact with ex-fiancee often and recent - What to do?

Q.   Please Help! My BF of three years says he loves me but I think he loves the talents I have decorating and sex and such and he loves having me as a companion! He says he loves me but I just found out that he has been in touch with his ex-fiancee by ...

A.   25 April 2008: IT is a scary moment. What it means is it is time to lay down a boundary. You probably have more to say about what you will and won't accept but have not realised how important it is. There are some issues that are contract breakers and you have... (read in full...)

My husband is with another woman but I want him back! What can I do to leave him alone and calm down? Help!

Q.   Hi there, I wonder if anyone out there can give me some helpful advice. I have been married for 14 years and we have one son aged 10. My husband has always been a bit moody but has a City job and always worked very long hours. Since November...

A.   17 April 2008: Dont make your son the prisoner of your own pain. An excerpt from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children". And he said: Your children are not your children, They are the... (read in full...)

I said I could forgive the cheating but he replied he can't trust himself any longer and feels confused. Will he want me back in the future?

Q.   Hi, I really don't know what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months and we were completely in love. I know it sounds daft but we were happy together and he wanted to marry me, have kids with him etc. We've lived apart for the last...

A.   4 April 2008: The only way you will know, is to let him go. Really. If he sees you being strong you have much more chance of getting him back for good. If he doesn’t really make up his mind you could never know for sure and if you make forgiving him too easy ... (read in full...)

How can I move on! when the past still upset's me?

Q.   I've tried my best to save my marriage of 22 years but failed. We finally diovrced. I've met this man 18 years my senior, he is very supportive during my divorce. We've been together for a year now. We gets on well and our love is growing. Im ...

A.   1 April 2008: Hello. My partner is going through the same thing as you. He was with his wife for 24 years. He didn't want to be in the marriage but he has been going through bereavement. You remember the good times as well as the bad. The loss of your family ... (read in full...)

What do you do when your husband says he's lost the spark for you?

Q.   If your husband calmly tells you that he lost that spark but he hopes he will get it back. What does that mean? At the meantime, you feel unloved, although, well-cared for. What do you do? We are very good friends but I don't remember last time he ...

A.   6 March 2008: Does he have anything else going on around him that could have caused this? If you did have a good sex life once you may be able to get it back. You could just wait, but this would mean losing valuable time. You may feel that the balance of power ... (read in full...)

We have very different views on showing affections. What should I do?

Q.   Hi there, my husband, Rick is one of those clingy types; He always wants to spend every waking moment with me. I’ve always thought of him as quite possessive. But I suppose, the most annoying thing about him is that he is always declaring hi...

A.   27 February 2008: The reason why this upsets you could be that you feel he is staking a claim on you at inappropriate moments. Perhaps like you no longer "own" yourself. Here is an analogy, not sure if it is any good but it is all I can think of: Everyone... (read in full...)

I am due to have a MRI scan and feel very nervous about hospitals. What to do about this state of anxiety?

Q.   Hello, this isn't a relationship question but I've seen some good answers regarding various things on here so I thought I'd post this question: I have to have an MRI scan done soon and I have worked myself up into such a state of anxiety about it ...

A.   25 February 2008: Hi there. I had an MRI scan during my divorce because I was very depressed and couldn't walk! I had such bad back pain and all sorts of wierd sensations. Like walking on a mattress, sometimes I couldn't work out what was up and what was down, ... (read in full...)

Am I the bad guy here or am I the victim??

Q.   My girl and i had a fight about her x-boyfriend. He calls too much, i think he uses the excuse of haveing a child with her. He would call 2 four times a day. She is six months pregnant with our baby. She is always on the internet facebook; almost...

A.   21 February 2008: This is negotiation. Time to say how you feel, what upsets you and why. Then to listen to the same from her. Then look at how you can compromise each other and adapt. Be honest about what makes you feel threatened, don’t just put on a display of ... (read in full...)

Is there life after death? Is there hell and heaven? Is there reincarnation? Do we wake-up, and find out we're all aliens?

Q.   hey this is a very wide question but hopefully itll mean i get more peoples opinions on it!! what you think happens when people die, is there life after death? my dad died recently and i cant help thinking whats happened to him so i'd like to know...

A.   19 February 2008: Of course there is something after death. If you think of the millions and billions of possibilities of what that could mean, saying there is nothing is just one of them and so is completely unscientific. If you imagine yourself as one cell on ... (read in full...)

My wife has left and I'm so confused and scared, please help!

Q.   My wife has suddenly decided we are over. She ahs been contacted by an old boyfriend from Jr. High. We have had intimacy problems ever since becoming serious in our relationship. She has had an abusive past and was really dumped on by her first ...

A.   19 February 2008: What she is saying may be the truth about you, or it may be that she has problems which are her own and she is trying to blame you. Perhaps she feels guilty. This is really difficult and confusing. She must be specific about examples of what you ... (read in full...)

My wife has left and I'm so confused and scared, please help!

Q.   My wife has suddenly decided we are over. She ahs been contacted by an old boyfriend from Jr. High. We have had intimacy problems ever since becoming serious in our relationship. She has had an abusive past and was really dumped on by her first ...

A.   18 February 2008: This sounds like disassociation. She is finding reasons to blame you for everything. If there is no hope at the moment there is no hope. You can’t make her want to be with you. The only thing I have found that helps people in your position is a ... (read in full...)

I eat healthily, but i can't seem to gain any weight! Advice, please?

Q.   hello. i am a girl in the 16-19 yrs group, and i need advice on weight gaining. i am 5'5 and weigh around 103 lbs. my boyfriend says he likes me thin, but i get comments all the time from people saying that i look anorexic/bulemic, sickly, boney, ...

A.   4 September 2007: Add an extra pint of milk to your usual diet and drink it during the day. It will be great for your bones too.... (read in full...)

I'm 45, attractive, recently lost my job and feel like I've had the life sucked out of me. Can anyone help?

Q.   I am a professional 45 yr old attractive female - I recently lost my job and I am unhappy - I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me - I want to feel alive again I don't even want to get out of bed Please help me ...

A.   30 August 2007: Hello. I have felt like you and I am the same age as you. My doctor told me to go on moodgym (online) and it has helped me out of my depression, which was quite severe. It is really interesting as well. Have a go, in your pyjamas!... (read in full...)

My husband left for no reason! He's very thin and I'm worried about his health. Help!

Q.   hi i am in quiet a dilemma. i have been happily married for 13 years. Three months ago, my husband walked out for no reason. We had had no argument,disagreement or anything. All his clothes, underwear and everything is still at the house. He is st...

A.   28 August 2007: This could be a mid life crisis. Buy a book called "Love Must Be Tough" online which was used by a friend of mine in similar circumstances recently. She is a very intelligent woman and was as devastated as you are - she rated it as a truly helpful ... (read in full...)

His close galpal makes me angry and jealous..how do I deal with this?

Q.   My boyfriend of 2 years who I am extremely happy with has a close friend who is a girl who "all the guys love" I'm jealous of her and dislike her @ the same time but he doesn't know it..what do i do? everytime she is brought up i am angered....

A.   23 August 2007: I am pretty old now (!) and have to say I have never known a close girl/boy friendship that did not have some kind or flirty frisson going on there too. How many married couples do you know where the wife has a close (straight)male friend who she ... (read in full...)

I'm so lonely and I don't think he loves me anymore

Q.   I wanted to say hello to all on this site..I am a new one here,just found this site...I think I am going enjoy this place... Well anyway, my problem is also like one I read on here and that made me want to join... I have been married for 26...

A.   30 July 2007: Yes you should go to counselling. I wonder whether he will join you or send you off alone. You are very brave to have tried three in a bed for him, but what worries me is you seem to be putting all yout needs asside for him, even doiung things you ... (read in full...)

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