A
male
age
,
*outhworshipper
writes:Hi thereI've searched for and read so many of the emails from guys in the similar situation to me. I can never find one "relationship situation" that is exact to my particular situation, but at the end of the day, the expected answers I will get from members will be EXACT to the many I have already read I guess, or what my friends have already told me. Believe me I have asked a few close friends that know or have met my girfriend, and each have a different opinion. So asking a stranger is another way of getting an answer to this. I have got different opinions on the situation, that it might be totally legit. But all say it's very strange that I am shut out and can't go over to her place when he's there. At this moment we are "off" (and figuring for good this time) and we missed having Christmas together as a result. I have focused on moving on the last two times it has come to a head. but after a month or so she's made contact, albeit never in a warm intimate way as such like "because she's missed me" It's always about her her son and me. I have been with my girfriend for just over two years, and she has a four year old boy. I met her through a (female) friend of mine and they were close child hood frinds. We don't live together - and maybe some will say because we don't that I don't have the right to object to what I am objecting to, who knows. In the US it might be different culture wise, but here in NZ if you are going out with someone, you don't have to live together for their to be "relationship rules" What I mean is just because you don't live together doesn't mean "you're single and free" if you know what I mean.Here is THE problem in our relationship and it just won't go away : Her "crystal meth addict" ex (and father to her son)comes and stays at her place (in the downstairs bedroom) every few weeks for however long he chooses to stay (which can anything from a few days to up to a week)She says it's purely so her son can get to know his "useless" father and learn that he does have a father - ok fair enough. But here's the sucker punch - whenever he stays there, I am "shut out" and not welcome around at her place for the duration of his stay whenever he turns up. All I get when he stays is a couple of texts and a phone call every couple of days for the duration of his stay. She just expects me to just "chill" whist he is staying there and that there is nothing going on between them and that's it.It's like I am seeing a married woman on the sly or something.I have told her countless times this year every time we have reconciled that I need to talk to her about this ONE issue and that I can't understand why I cannot visit her place, let alone sleep over when he is there, especially if it's just so he can be near his his son. Every time she just laughs it off and says don't be silly and avoids the issue that she says "Isn't an issue". That is suspicious surely isn't it? His history : He walked out on them "high as a kite" and totally addicted to meth when the son was 13 months old. During our first year together, she would cynically show me his occasional texts demanding to see his son, but he would never agree to an arranged time to see the boy and what a useless wanker he was.He moved a few hours drive out of town to his mother's place as he was unable to work from frying his brain on meth and is on a sickness benefit as a result. Yet, he has never gone and got any self help or counselling for his addiction. All he has done is get anti-depressants. He still goes out and hangs with old "Ice" mates when he is staying at her place and if he has money in his pocket, he still smokes the stuff. Though "less and less these days" the girfriend tells me. Haaa!This time last year we had a spat and broke up for virtually the whole of Janauary 2009. We reconciled through our mutual friend talking me into it. Then after a month or so of reconciling (mid-March 2009) I smelt a rat when I couldn't get hold of her at home one evening on the landline or on her mobile (it's an event when ever she gets to go out at night) and so I drove over after a while, and bugger me her ex's motorbike was parked in the drive way.She did a lot of explaining over that one, and you are going to gasp when I tell you I smelt a rat a again and caught him there on the sly late at night on two more occasions over two months. I know some will say "Why the hell didn't you walk then?" Her answer was that when we spit after last Christmas, he came around, and ended up staying. She admitted eventually that they did sleep together once during that month that we were apart. I didn't have an issue with that, after all we had split.So all of this year he has been in the picture and he stays there whenever he wants to come up to Auckland, and I have to "chill" and stay away. He has all the priority here. I am her boyfriend, yet if he wants to come up and stay, he can and bugger what I think or feel. That's the way ity is end of story. She is adament there is nothing going on between them, and it's just her way of letting him be near his son.It seems he can do NO wrong. She's told me that once when he's stayed there, while she was out he found and stole her grand mothers wedding ring and no doubt pawned it for a hit of meth. She got it back eventually, but WTF? He even set fire to her toaster recently (obviously up to something dodgy and using the toaster as a lighter) and took it outside and let it burn a hole in her outside balcony floor. He's still welcome to stay there though regardless.I am waaay more of a "father" to that boy than he will ever be and love him like I love my own daughter that's the absolute truth. And whilst I totally accept that can never be his true father, I get walked over and cast aside whenever this loser fronts. I must also point out that this guy has four other neglected siblings ranging from aged 11 to 21 and all from four different partners. I've done stuff this year that I have hated doing but done so only through being suspicious and I regret that. Things like checking her mobile for text messages. I found some condoms in her bedroomn drawer one night that weren't mine and that were only a few months old - after manufacture date and she gave me weak excuses for those. Like "I found them in his room downstairs, and so I removed them" and put them in her bedside drawer??!!! Even her son said to me one morning out of the blue when we were playing with his toys in the lounge at her place in early October - "Mummy sleeps with him downstairs"That knocked me over! I was stunned and upset when her four year old son said that to me. And you know what she said when I told her what he told me? "Oh he's pulling your leg". Haaaa! Pulling my leg??!!! He's four years old! All sorts of denial go thru my head. Whether to believe her best friend when she tells me firmly that my girlfriend is definately sleeping with her ex at her place. Other damning evidence of infidelity.. I know after writing all this there will be swift answers such as "I am blinded by lover for her" The ONE fact of the matter is I find it suspicious and very difficult to handle and hard to beleive there isn't something going on intimately between them when he stays there for days/ nights for anything up to a week, every few weeks. And each time when he appears I am expected to "chill" and not be able to go around there at all for the duration of his stay. I am accused of being selfish for objecting to it. And she won't discuss sorting it out.Three times this year we havbe broken up over this which I know is ridiculous. But each time I have (and it's been REALLY hard for me to do) tried to move on, yet evertime after five - six weeks she came back. Not came back in like "I have missed yo so much and I want us to get back together" The first bit of contact I got from her after our most recent break-up which was six weeks was: "There is a little boy that dreams about you many a night, and he pretends that he is playing with you in the lounge with his toys" I have written waaay too much no doubt, but this year has been tumultuous. We have had our wondefrul moments together don't get me wrong. It's the good bits that has stopped me from giving up and going back.But right now, we are off, as a week before Christmas it seemed like my daughter and me were just slotted in for Christmas dinner and Christmas night at my place, and the rest of Christmas was going to consist of him being there as well as her brothers and family coming to visit her place, and her ex being there then and me "shut out" again. I thought that was totally f$%#ed and selfish. So we didn't spend Christmas together this year.I apologised to her about how I reacted about Christmas. But I made it clear the bottom line was that I felt there was something very suspicious and wrong in how I get shut out and have to chill when ever he comes up to stay and you both have this private time together. The last time he stayed recently she would send these texts telling me how useless and pathetic he was and she wished he would go soon bla bla bla (whilst he was staying there) That pissed me off - dissing him by text - especially when I wasn't allowed around there at that moment. It was like she was dissing him yet didn't really mean it. weird!!!And remember when I found those condoms in her bedroom late one night. Ten minutes after finding them, she came onto me like it was our first night in bed together and she seduced me in bed. Was that guilt?? It seemed so obvious and out of place, even though I didn't say anything to her at the time.Anyway, I've said enough. I await the barrage of replies telling me their opinions.You don't know me, but I can tell you that I am genuine and honest and so loving to her son just as I am to my own teenage daughter.
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best friend, broke up, christmas, condom, get back together, her ex, infidelity, married woman, money, move on, smokes, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Youthworshipper +, writes (31 December 2009):
Youthworshipper is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you wise aunt. It is awful especially since it's NYE here in NZ tonight and it's the queitest one I've ever had I think. LOL.
It's going to be hard moving on yet again as I really mean it this time. Even though she scoffes it off, for me to be left out in the cold - every three - four weeks for however many days he decides to stay is ridiculous and definately dishonest. I don't know what she's thinking when she says I shouldn't have a problem with that scenario.
I told her it wasn't a relationship and that I've just been a "stop gap" for her all this year for when he's not there. Her reply : "I was F%*#ed up and delusional"
Happy New Year!
Cheers
Paul
A
female
reader, wise aunt  +, writes (31 December 2009):
One word, BOUNDARIES. If you are serious about this relationship and she is too, then there is no reason for the shut out.
I know from personal experience how awful you must feel. Bottom line, this is not honest behavior from someone who is in a relationship. You have a relationship with her only when he is not around. That is exactly the definition of an affair.
Draw personal boundaries and stick to them. It will hurt, but in the end you will feel must better.
Have courage and stay firm. I bet you would be a much better father figure than this meth head. If she cannot see that, then walk and offer your prayers for her & her child to God. You deserve better!
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A
male
reader, Youthworshipper +, writes (30 December 2009):
Youthworshipper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Guys / Girls
Artful Dodger, you hit it on the nail my friend and no you were not being harsh :) Though I'm far from the boring "old -day to day - fart" you make me out to be LOL! I'm quite youthful /modern for my age - 49 and not looking for suburban settlement. I'm a guitarist (ex professional) and I'm a brand manager for NZ's best music magazine, which means I go out to lots of gigs etc. She is 43 by the way and a tad eccentric, and yes she's still like a 20 yr old in her personality and she thrives on drama etc and yes he is the "perfect match for her" in that respect. And I doubt she'll ever change, and no I cannot malionate her intoi something to suit me. I just want her to not want to need to spend a few nights a month with her ex. But I can't control that. I do know he is unreliable, and I can't see anything long term happening to be honest. But I'm not going to be there to fall on if / when he does a runner again or does something dodgy. I can't.
He's 39 with the mind of a 16 yr old and he can barely read or write. But he does look the absolute spitting image of Steve McQueen with a 1am shadow!!!! and when I first met him I thought "Oohh!! that's why!"
She says he mostly sleeps when he is at her place, but I don't believe anything she tells me in respect to him. She's probably much different intimately / personality wise around him, than when she's with me, that's obvious to me. But I never see that side. she will never change She always wants attention which is ok, buts always in a resentful way. And she complains about the dramas and her life all the time to me.
One thing I was wondering is what does she tell him about me? The boy will mention me all the time when he's there, so he knows, and he's not thick enough to believe one of her excuses such as "Oh he just comes over to hang with "your son" " Does she lie to him? that we don't have sex?
There were a couple of typos in that original question - the "friend" (her best mate) was adament to me she and the ex WEREN"T sleeping together", but hey she's not impartial and maybe she's getting fobbed off too. who cares. What the little boy said is all I needed to hear really. I never told you that I lost my best mate for three months over this girlfriend. He was with me one night - the second time we caught the ex's motorbike in the drive way of her place.
From that night and the moment I got back in the car he said "You have to cut her loose now!!!" But I didn't, and he put up with two further short term break-ups and "on agains" mid year. He'd had a gutsful when I went back to her again in October and he didn't ctc me for three months. We're mates again and he's seen us together at my place in the last month. But I don't discuss it anymore.
So telling you all my predicament when you don't know me personally has been an eye opener for a love blind fool. I wish you all did know me to be honest as I truly am heartened with your advice/ feedback, some blunt and some quite deep. Especially one person who said "A woman will be able to carry both men along if she feels deeply enough about the one she loves most - him, and will risk me catching her lies out by me because the ex is the primary lover." So true and very capable. She is a bright - English secondary school teacher with a masters in education but still on maternity leave with her boy - who starts school. She absolutely dotes over him and wouldn't put him in view or near opf any danger or violence. I mean, I got in trouble for showing him the puppet TV show Thunderbirds!!!!! So to put her son in front of a still dabbling meth addict - even if he is the dad is not being an adoring mum. So it's what he means to her not her son as one person said.
Thanks everyone and Happy New Year!
Paul xox
PS : If she sends me a Happy New Year text tonight (unlikely but she might) I should ignore it yes??
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A
male
reader, Artfuldodger  +, writes (30 December 2009):
Every person is different, every person wants different things. you're girlfriend, to you, seems irrational and is doing something which your logical mind cannot comprehend, but the fact is that what she is doing is very logical to her and make complete sense. In my experience, some people are not comfortable from with the mundane and the boring day to day life. They need continous excitement and drama around them to give them a feeling of being alive and being happy. Now I am not the kind of person to generalize, but I feel a lot of younger females have this sort of personality, however most of them get out of it by the time they reach mid 20's. If your girlfriend has gone past this age and yet continues to act this way, that means she is always going to have this personality where drama and range of emotions will be a necessity in a relationship, for her to feel happy.Now whatever you have mentioned in your post, proves to me that your girlfriend needs drama, emotions, and tension in her life to feel comfortable, no matter how unhealthy this is. And also, you come across as a very logical and stand up guy......so the match is not there. You are, for a lack of better word, being selish by trying to make her into something that she is not. She is not your average girlfriend or wife who will dream up the pefect life with you in the surburbs, this is NOT something that will make her happy. What will make her happy is those few nights with her ex, who btw is the pefect match for her, because he provides drama, tension, passion in her life. With you her life is stable, and comfortable....not passionate, and volatile...thats what she wants...thus, I will ask you to end things with her, not because what she has done is wrong, and she is a horrible person........no.....you should break up with her, because she will never be able to give you what you want. Don't try to turn her into something she is not...and as for the kid, he will be just fine. This is his challenge.....he will learn to cope with it, and become a man one day....he is not ure kid, this is not your responsibility...I hope I don't come across as being harsh........only because I have been there myself...and i know it is not easy....for people like you and I, life is beautiful, there are plenty of women out there who have the personality types that match with what we can offer them...seek them out...and have fun...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): It's really sad as it's obvious you have built a real Dad-son relationship with the 4 year old boy and he's more of an ADULT than his Mother.
4 year old kids have NO guile in them they're just not capable.
A real mother would call BS on this "sleep over" arrangement and not even allowed it to start! Allowing the little guy to learn who is father is is one thing, she's BS ing no one with her whorish behavior. A real mother would have said,,"NO drugs in this house. No drugs in you (meaning "dad of the year..) You want to know your son, YOU WILL be Absolutely clean and sober and find your own place to sleep!".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): yes, i think she does love you both. But she cant get loose from him. Either share or leave. The kid has spoken without knowing he was telling secrets. Totally innocent comment stating a fact. I vote he told you the truth. As painful as this is...its time to go. Dont let her manipulate you with the kid. She cant have her cake and eat it too. Mal
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A
female
reader, applebite8821 +, writes (30 December 2009):
 I feel sad that you are in a situation like this. From your story, all I can think of is this woman is still in love with the ex no matter how you say it. It doesn't mean though that she is just purely using you and doesn't love you a bit. Ofcourse, she does. But you have to accept that you are not the only one in her heart. Worse, that you may just be a second choice.
Now, we don't know why really some people become blind when it comes to relationships and love affairs. I know, from your post, you keep repeating he is a meth addict and really a jerk but see, he still gets her attention. You are the person who is more connected with the reality.
Two choices for you, stay or go. You are an adult and can make decisions for yourself so if you stay, you know what will be the consequences. If you go, you will have to endure some pain too. This has been written a thousand times on this site as an advise and by now you may have known what advises we will give you.
It's your choice.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (30 December 2009):
 I won't say she uses you while he's away but I would say she's having a hard time making a clean break. She wants her son to know his birth father and she probably still has a soft spot for him. Let's face it, he walked out on her. Based on what you've said, she didn't throw him out. Things can be complicated but it seems she is trying to balance this situation so both sides stay in the game.
And yes, all the questions you've raised and suspicions may well be true. They also may not be true. Either way, you'll never know for sure what has happened. I can understand her hope that her son knows his father. People often are unable to choose the diffucult choice and go for waht is easiest. This guy sounds like he is unable to clean up his life at this point. She is afraid to cut him off.
Until she is ready to put her past behind her, you either have to put up with this or leave. You seem to have lots of resevations about this situation. Tell her you can't continue being left out in the cold and you're moving on. If this guy is as bad as you say, she'll find out later that she made an error. Also, you shouldn't be sleeping with someone who is possibly sleeping with a drug addict. You also have a child to care for and this must cause stress in your life. Focus on that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 December 2009):
You know what gives away that she is a liar and love rat? Nothing she has done. But what her son said. He's four and he said she was with him downstairs. She said he was lying. No he wasn't. You can take that for truth. She still loves him, and uses you when he is away. Get rid of her now. Don't ever contact her again. She's a liar and a cheat, and even her own son knows it.
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