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I'm having an affair wih my fiance's best friend.

Tagged as: Cheating, Family, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 April 2018) 13 Answers - (Newest, 13 April 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I’m engaged due to be married September, I’ve started having an affair with one of his best friends. Now I don’t know whether I love his best friend. He’s asked me to not get married.

My fiancé is a good man great father and stable.

His friend is positive attractive and a great talker

Question is do I stay with my fiancé for stability and call off the affair or go with my heart and ruin friendships relationships etc.

Thanks

View related questions: affair, best friend, engaged, fiance

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2018):

I think you should end the affair immediately and give yourself time to reflect on things. If you truly love your fiancé, you have to decide what is right for you and go ahead with the marriage but vowing to never cheat on him or betray his trust in this manner again. If you cheat on him a second time, you must be honest and end the relationship as clearly it isn't going anywhere and you are just playing him along.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom +, writes (13 April 2018):

Phil052 agony auntDon't get married, it's not going to work out. And it is probably best to end the affair too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2018):

Own up. Let your fiancée decide if you still have a fiancée left.

Be single until you develop a conscience.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (12 April 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWow! The best thing you can say about your future husband is that he is "stable"? Call off the wedding. That man deserves so much better.

You and the so called "friend" deserve each other.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (12 April 2018):

You’re engaged to a man you don’t love. Call off the wedding.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou really shouldn't go through with the wedding. If you are having an affair then don't enter a marriage because people take there vows seriously. I mean yes we all make mistakes in life, but an ongoing affair is not one of them. You should do the decent thing and call off the wedding, tell your fiance you don't love him any more. It is your choice if you want to tell him about the affair or not but I would suggest taking some time alone for yourself to figure out what it is you want in life. Being single for a while will help you in the long run.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018):

Leave your fiancée - you clearly don't love him. Then decide whether to pursue a relationship with his so called friend.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 April 2018):

How can you, in good-conscience, stay with your fiance as if the ongoing affair never happened? Pretending as though you're totally innocent; while betraying his trust, and destroying his friendship at the same time.

Do you intend to confess the affair to your fiance? It is likely there will be no option to stay with your fiance after that.

If you intend to keep the affair a secret in order to proceed with the wedding; then you have no integrity. That also leaves you the option to continue the secret affair without interruption. The temptation would be too great, and his friend would insist on it. Just ending it wouldn't be enough without confessing the whole truth. He might do it out of spite, if you didn't.

You mentioned your fiance is a good father. It was sort of added into the post as a compliment. What that truly means is that you must have a child; and your fiance matters mainly for the sake of the child. He's reliable.

Now lets talk consequences. Losing him also places you in the position where he could seek legal action to obtain physical or sole custody of his child(children). Same could happen if he marries you, and later discovers the affair.

Return the ring and end the engagement. Confess what you have done. Hope he doesn't find-out before you tell him.

Your marriage would be a total sham. It would only be a marriage of convenience. I don't think you are marrying him; because you're fully in-love with him. You have doubts.

If you have a child together, he might happily give you up; but he also has paternal-rights. He could decide to keep his child. Unless you are referring to a child (or children) he has with another woman.

I think a confession would prevent the storm of events that could occur if he discovers the affair on his own. Forgiveness would be much more difficult.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (12 April 2018):

N91 agony auntYou clearly don’t love your fiance so I’m not sure why you’re considering marrying him. The only logical thing to do here is break things off and allow the man to find someone that respects him and that he can trust, you’re not that person.

The best thing for your fiancé would be for both of you to leave his life. You and this other guy have betrayed him in one of the lowest ways possible. Let your fiancé live his life, don’t be so cruel to let him get bogged down with a cheat.

I doubt this best friend will stick around either when he sees how much trouble this is going to cause. Maybe this will make you reassess your life choices in future rather than hopping into bed with people you shouldn’t.

Return the ring.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (12 April 2018):

mystiquek agony auntReturn the ring and let your soon to be ex fiance have the freedom to find a girl who will appreciate what being a fiance means. No way should you marry the guy. Its messed up and dishonest. Face up to what you have done. The best friend isn't a best friend and your fiance deserves than him too. Take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself where do you think this is all headed? It won't end well but for God's sakes release your fiance from living a lie with a cheater and a liar.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018):

The fact you are having an affair, and to add insult to injury to your fiancé's best friend, means you do not love your fiancé. Please, end the engagement. Do not go through with this marriage. You will waste years of your life and his being married due to obligation. It is never too late to change your course in life. Who cares if the venue is booked and the invitations printed? It is better to cut your losses now than years down the road, after 2 kids, a mortgage, and the realization that this was a BIG MISTAKE from the start. Divorces are expensive, painful and life changing.

You came here as a cry for help. You know what the right thing to do is.

Leave your fiancé. If this other guy works out, then perhaps he is the one you should be with but take it slow. A relationship that begins with deceit is going to have some very serious trust issues involved, which could end up destroying your relationship despite your best efforts. But whatever you do, do not settle if your heart is not with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You will regret it. And so will he. Because judging by your actions, you are not ready for marriage and you have not found the right person to marry. Examine the REAL reasons you wanted to marry your fiancé. Don't lie to yourself. You may even surprise yourself.

I think it is very mean and cruel to do this to your fiancé. But to do it with one of his best friends is definitely hitting your fiancé well below the belt. I think he should never know about the best friend. It will kill him. I think you are a very selfish and thoughtless person to hurt him this way. So, if you want to make up for your actions and be able to sleep at night, let your fiancé go. He deserves to find love and happiness with a woman who LOVES HIM and HIM ONLY. You are not that woman.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntReturn the ring and break your engagement.

Then take some time being single before you throw yourself at your "soon-to-be-ex-fiance's best friend".

It's too late for the "stay with my fiance for stability". You ruined that chance when you decided to cheat and shag his best friend.

If you end the affair, who is to say the "best friend" doesn't tell him about the affair? You really think you can just pull the plug and no one will know? That just shows how little you care.

Your fiance deserve better.

You and the "best friend" deserve each other, though I'd venture a guess that it won't last. Because you have no solid foundation. You started the "relationship" as an affair, with lies and deceit. Neither man can trust you. And you can't really trust the "best friend".

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (12 April 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntLooking into my crystal ball I can rewrite your title for 3 weeks from now.

I had an affair with my EX-fiance's EX best friend.

The honorable thing to do would be to return the ring.

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