| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: after 6 years of marriage I feel everything is falling apart! and I am completely devastated .. My husband is having an adultery, he is a regular brothel visitor.we got married after years of crazy deep love and commitment, now we are married for about 6 years and we have a toddler, we were truly deeply in love, or that was what I thought!I consider myself as a good wife that any man would wish for, I am good looking and reasonably fit (I am not muscular and lean, but I am not fat by any means), i am loving and tender and take a good care of my house and family, I cook very good and do all and every house hold chores without any help from my husband, and through all of our marriage I have been working and supplying the biggest part of our income. All what I asked for was a loving caring loyal husband.. Our sex life was good, although not insanely hot.. but i would initiate sex more often than him. i mean, i never refused to have sex with him or showed that i don't want to.my husband is a smoker and a moderate alcohol drinker (although he might sometimes drink a little bit too much and starts to get cranky and , well, verbally abusive), he never helps me with everyday house chores, he spends too much time outside even in the weekends he often goes out with his friends and i would stay at hme with our kid, or would spend long and i mean long time on his phone calling or texting his friends, sometimes even when we sit down to eat or when i put our kid to sleep he would continue his loud chatter, and he would express his annoyance when i ask him to stop being on the phone so much or not to answer a call at certain family times, or come and help me, or go and play with our kid while i am doing something (which is usually a household chore) I always felt like i am on the bottom of his priorities list, or i should always REQUEST from him to spend time with us, like he never liked to, nevertheless, i did love him dearly (and still do) it was enough for me just knowing that he is there in our life, and at the end of the day he comes through that door, then i would feel like my life is better now and would feel happy, he is a fun good looking person and very social, however i always wished from him to take a better care of us- his wife and kid.there was a period of time last year that he had to work in another city for 2-3 months period and then would come to see us for a week or so, that was for about a year, but now we are all in same city.my husband and I have a smartphone application that allows both of us to monitor each other's GPS location, he is not an exact technology expert, so maybe he doesn't know that i can actually see his location anytime i wish for- that sounds bad of me i know but i would never have done that unless I had strong suspicions. through out the last year, while he was in this city i would usually see him (by GPS) in one specific location several times, though i did not suspect any thing. when finally I and our kid moved into this city with him, once he told me that he has a late night shift at his work, he showered and shaved, dressed new clothes and wore some fine perfume, and at the end he took off his wedding ring and handed it to me saying -we are not allowed to wear rings at work- (which is true by the way) then he kissed me good bye and left, hours passed and he was so late, i tried to call him several times, but he did not answer, finally he came back at 3 a.m. apologizing and saying that he had left his phone in the office and had to go in an out-of-the-office work mission (which is truly very possible by his work actually) but i am sure that was just a lie, because when i was monitoring his location i saw him again in that same suspicious old place. On an other occasion he told me he is going with his friends to another city in a "guys trip"- WRONG also the same location. an other time he told me he would goes out to a cafe with a friend. WRONG AGAIN- Same location.. and even he went once in his birthday's eve, while i was waiting at home backing a cake and hand-making a postcard with my kid to surprise him, of course he came so late that our kid was sleeping and of course it was too late to eat the cake! all these occasions he would appear in the exact same location. Every time before he goes he would shower and shave and wear perfume. i never told him that i can detect his location, when i asked him where he was all these long hours and why wouldn't he pick up his phone, he would just make up something and i would believe him, i trusted him so much , more than my cellphone application.. that was until i could define what type of a place was that, Yes it was a "brothel" - more precisely a particular type of club, which is very widely spread here in germany (basically you pay at entrance then you go inside and every one is naked and you can eat and drink and then have sex with as many women you want of course for hundreds of euros!!) at this finding my entire world went upside down, i can not sleep at night any more, i feel like i am sole-less crawling creature, i want to cry all the time and my chest aches when i breathe. I i am just at my wreck bottom, how can the man that i adored and loved so much and respected so very much betray me in such a cruel way, risk our marriage, our togetherness, our health, our kid's happiness and our everything for something so cheep and disgusting. i keep thinking and guessing how long before i found out has he been up to these filthy deeds!!! and we have only been married for 6 years.. i have not talked to him yet, but i can hardly look at his face of answer him when he talks to me, i am disgusted by him! I think about burning his clothes because i know where he have been wearing them to, instead i wash them and still do everything as i am used to. still taking care of the kid and of the house, of everything.. I want to confront him, but i know he would deny it all together and accuse me of being crazy! i have no solid evidence in my hand, the location detected by GPS can sometimes be not accurate, he would just say it is wrong.. or worst he would say i have been there for sauna or just hanging out with friends in such a case i would never be able to prove anything, and also will never get over my suspicions and will lose the ability to track his location again, he would just turn that thing off.I even thought of hiring a private investigator to have a solid evidence. I don't want to end our marriage for the sake of my kid, if me and my husband divorced, every time my kid would ask me where is my dad i would feel a knife in my chest. i am completely lost and totaly devastated, any ideas will help , please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2016): It is time to leave.
NOW.
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (13 June 2016):
 I am so sorry you are going through this and no loving mother wants to put their child through a divorce but in this case, I don't think you have another choice. He had lied to you for years and spent money that could have gone towards making you and your son's life better on prostitutes. What if he had brought a disease to you? God forbid! The fact that he did this shows he had no respect for his family. Yes, gather the evidence. Hire a private investigator if you can and get proof to divorce this man. Just because you ate divorced doesn't mean he cannot still see his child and have a good relationship. You guys would be separating from each other, not from your child. My friend's ex got caught red-handed, eight times! She forgave and tried to forget but then, she found out while she got pregnant that she had herpes which undetected, could have harmed the baby. There are birth defects associated with herpes and thank goodness for technology! But that was it for her. That was the eye opener that he couldn't and wouldn't change. A man who doesn't care for your health or your feelings is no man at all. Don't waste your life or your good heart on a no-man. Find yourself and your happiness. It won't be easy I know, it never is. But the things worth having like a happy life take some work. Work on ending this marriage and please, please do not let him convince you to stay. Do not believe for one moment that you can't live without him. The gift of your child is the best part of the marriage. If you cannot find happiness for yourself, find it for your child. Let them grow up with a happy mother. In your heart, you know what you must do. Take the time you need and go for it. All the best
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 June 2016):
 Do you have access to the family finances? If so, it should be fairly easy to see if he either spends large amounts/little amount at ONE place often or if he takes out money and how much.
Personally, I would stop having sex with him and go get tested. While MANY sex workers are disease free and often tested, some are not.
I would also keep a journal of dates and times and cross match it with withdrawals from the bank or charges to the bank card.
At some point you will be able to see if they line up or not.
And while you do your detective work, I think you need to reconsider if THIS marriage (as it stands) is worth it to you. I don't think a child is better of with a set of parents who are disgusted with each other (or just one with the other) who cringe when around them, who is deeply unhappy, who feels all these negative things. That IMHO only teach a kid that as a woman you suck things up.
Personally, I would not stay in this kind of marriage. I would absolutely detest feeling like I have to monitor my spouse, to know he is lying to my face and "stealing" from the family - yes, I would consider the money he spends at a whorehouse stealing. The time he "spends" with hookers/stripper OVER his family would not be OK either. Life is too short and too precious to waste it on a husband like that.
But this is YOUR life, you have to figure what will work for you.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (13 June 2016):
 Private investigator is the way to go given that, and I'm assuming, you don't have the means to investigate yourself. Your evidence is convincing but, like you said, you need more concrete kind that he is actually engaging in sex. You shouldn't be afraid of evidence, or lack of, that the investigator may bring. If there is any, it will at least put a stop to his dangerous behavior. You should meanwhile check yourself for STD and avoid having sex with him until the investigator is done.
After you get the evidence, you can decide what you want: forgive or not forgive. Forgiving may involve marriage counseling.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 June 2016):
 Yes go for a private detective and at least then you will have evidence. It does mean the end of your marriage, but you can do so much better. He does not treat you well, he does not love you, he does not care about you. For him you are his slave, there to do everything for him and look after his child. The sooner you see this the better. You could do so much better than this. Get the private detector and get your proof. Also don't have sex with him as you could catch anything if he is cheating. I am sorry you are going through this, but it will get easier in time.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (13 June 2016):
 You are right to want solid evidence. If your fears are grounded then I think you should divorce. Apart from the betrayal there are the health risks he could be bringing home. A private detective could be the answer. If there is a photograph of him entering then this will strengthen your case in court. It is better to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2016): Get out of there, you do not deserve this. You may not have 'hard evidence' but you have your instinct and everything you've just said. If he doesn't believe it it doesn't matter if you both know it's true. Whether you confront him or not you deserve so much better and so does your child. He does not realise what he has and worse than what he is doing is the lying to you. Apart from all this, verbal abuse is not okay and is a reason in itself to get out of the relationship. Divorce sounds scary but you deserve to be happy. And who w
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