A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My Girlfriend thinks I've cheated on her. Throw me out, saying I've no respect, can't really love her and I've lied. The thing is I haven't cheated I had a weekend with my brother and we stayed in a hotel up in London. I didnt tell her I was staying away. Still not sure why, her getting jealous, worried my brothers influence that spending money I didnt really have. Oh yeah this was while she was away for a week and weekend. For awhile she has hinted she thinks I'm having an affair. Idk maybe because we meet while I was seeing someone else.Now I'm thrown out I texted to say i'd give her some time alone. In the meantime all pictures of me on her facebook have gone. Tho still says we're in a relationship. And tonight after a week I get an angry email from her. So I call her. Bit of a repeat of when she threw me out. But now apparantly I gave up on her and have run off.Anyways before I try for the most boring post awardI suppose I just wanted to write it down but also see if people here think we have a chance of getting back together. As we have agreed to meet up on Saturday.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 September 2016):
 Who knows?
I'd met up and see what she has to say. And If she and you can TALK about this without it blowing up into a fight, maybe you two have a chance.
Going away for a weekend and not even bother to tell your partner is.. at best inconsiderate, at worst petty and immature. NOT that you NEED her permission, but I think as a couple it's pretty much the norm that you know what your partner is up to. Though for me personally, I don't NEED an itinerary of my spouse's plans (unless I'm in them) - but it DOES seem like most people are over-sharing with the constant contact through texts/apps etc. So maybe the reason she feels you MUST be cheating is because you didn't share THIS?
My advice, IF she continues to bang on and on and on about you having an affair or cheating (and you are NOT cheating) I would end it with her. Because there is NOTHING you can do to "prove" you are NOT cheating, least of all her mindset.
And if a couple DOES NOT have trust? You have no healthy foundation which will lead to other issues. Like a dominoes.
Personally, I wouldn't date someone who is accusing me of things I haven't done and wouldn't do with NO good reason. So... DOES she have any good reason YOU can think of (other that this weekend with your brother) that could make her think you are cheating?
Think on it and TALK to her like a GROWN person. If she can't have a conversation, you guys can't work on whatever issue is the root of this.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2016):
 You can't beat a compulsively jealous woman by her own rules.
Reconcile that to yourself..... THEN, get away from her. ... FOREVER.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2016):
 Yes, you have a chance, I think she is just flexing muscle. Otherwise why even meet up on Saturday ?
If she is convinced that you cheated on her, that you are having an affair, that you don't love her and don't respect her... what there would be left to talk about ?...
I think she got mad and expected you to grovel and beg forgiveness to reinstate yourself in her good graces. You did not- and SHE contacts you with the , more or less conscious, intention to offer you a chance to do some serious grovelling :). Which, if she were really done with you, she would not even care about.
Said that, I understand how she would be upset, even furious. Yes ,maybe she is the jealous type . Yes maybe she has trust issues due to the way you got together. Yes maybe she is controlling and insecure...
I still do not think it's all her problem and all her fault.
I mean, as for me I am ( or , at least , was ) trustful to the point of naivety with the people I love. If my partner tells me he's been called for a work emergency on planet Mars, my conclusion would be : ah, so there's life on Mars , after all. But how you acted , this impromptu visit to London, probably would alarm me too. Unless you are the unpredictable , adventurous type who's always coming and going at the drop of a hat. But if you are not- you live together !, you tell each other things every day , you stay in touch daily, I suppose. And now ? With the text rage ?! People are always texting each other the most menial and mundane things : " Hey I just went to the barber's shop ! " " Hey I had a cheese sandwich for lunch ! " ... and you do not mention a whole weekend away ? Strange. Suspicious. If it was such an innocent family reunion, why not mentioning it, either before , or during. Because you did not want to be scolded for spending too much ? Oh come on, you are not 5 years old and she is not your mom .
Unfortunately, you may have kept yourself clean and pure as the first snow, but the way you acted is, I think, warranted to generate suspicions and mistrust even in a non jealous person. You DID lie- there are also lies of omission, and they are a breach of trust also when the things you omit are not so terrible per se.
So , if you two get back together ( quite possible, I think ) - she may have to work on her trust issues , but you definitely have to work on becoming a trustworthy person, because , at least in this instance, you have not behaved as such.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2016): No, don't go back. She's convinced that you're cheating; and you did go away without telling her. Why? You know she has trust-issues, and you should have at least given her your whereabouts for an entire weekend. If she's smothering you to the degree you had to break-loose, then she's right.
You need to go. You need to stop letting your irresponsible brother lead you around by the nose-ring. He's a bad influence, and you're too old to be such a follower.
It's best not to struggle against people with jealousy and trust issues. Sorry, if you began seeing her while with someone else; you don't have much credibility. Nor does she, if she would see a guy who already has a girlfriend. It doesn't matter if it wasn't working-out. As long as it was intact, working or not, you were committed to someone else.
You left someone for her. It's her karma to feel insecure about it. Your karma for seeing someone before ending the existing relationship with someone else. Your ex deserves some justice. Whether she was the reason you left or not; you owed her the respect of being a man, and officially ending the relationship before seeing other women. Then waiting a respectful amount of time before starting a new relationship. Well, as it is, it failed.
You must move on. If your only reason to want to get back is because you have no place to live; that's your problem, not hers. You're a mature adult, and you know when it's time to call it quits with a relationship that isn't working. Crazy jealous people don't reason. Insecure people are just a pain in the ass. Now is your time to go get your life in order. Whatever you need to fix in your life, fix it.
Time for personal-growth, maturity, and self-improvement.
Being thrown-out by girlfriends is a tell-tale sign, brother. Something isn't right, there's two-sides to every story.
You're not getting any younger. Trying to hold onto a relationship with an insecure person who doesn't trust you, is a huge waste of valuable time. She will be that way not only with you, but with everyone she's with. That's her issue to work-out. She's immature and doesn't seem to be sure of herself.
Block her from any further access for mean text messages and/or emails. She's going through the ranting phase, and will only be as nasty as possible. You'll get nowhere with her right now. So leave her be. even if she gets drunk and sweet and invites you over. She'll kick you out again, for sure when she sobers up. Or start the ranting again.
Enough is enough with venting her anger and frustrations on you. She is punishing you now. If you're waiting for her to cool-off; you're not going to see positive results anytime soon. If you have a reputation for cheating in the past, it's hard convincing females a cheater isn't always a cheater. Especially those with trust-issues. Chances are, you've spent most of your time reassuring her you're not cheating and breaking your neck trying to show how much you care for her. She doesn't believe you. If you've been in any contact with your ex; and she knows it, or found out by snooping. You're finished.
You're not a child, and shouldn't have to ask for permission to spend time with your brother. If she knows he gets you into mischief and has in the past; not telling her justifies her throwing you out! You were up to no good, if you didn't see reason to tell her you wanted to hang with your brother. Let her bitch and moan, and do it anyway.
Be that the case, what quality of a relationship is that? She needs time alone to grow-up. She also needs to see what damage her trust-issues are doing to her life. Giving you benefit of the doubt.
Accept that the breakup is final. Stop stalking her on social media. Man-up and go deal with your detachment process. Give her up, and move on. Get her out of your system. Your ego is bruised because she tossed you. Well, lick your wounds and move on anyway. She's just angry and second-guessing herself. Then the cycle of suspicion restarts soon after you come crawling back. She won't change.
You are between 30-35, and you really need to get your life in order; so at some point you're ready for a wife, and possibly a family. I don't recommend marrying her. Don't even think about it. Marriage will be nothing but you constantly under suspicion, her snooping your phone and devices; and her being very unhappy, because she can't trust you.
When you can't convince people to trust you, you stop trying. Stop being a whipping-post. Cutoff all contact immediately. If she threw you out, why is she continuously bothering you? She had the balls to do it, now let her have the balls to deal with it. Grow the balls to leave her alone. I wouldn't want to go back to someone mean enough to throw me out without even given me a chance to work things out. It will only happen again and again. Especially if you've conveniently left-out a ton of stuff that built her up to this point. Usually that is the case, if she kicked you to the curb. That's a sign a woman has had it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 September 2016):
 Do you really want this relationship? I know personally I couldn't cope with my other half never trusting me, always thinking I am cheating, and yes it probably is because she knows you are capable of doing it, you cheated for her, so she thinks you will cheat again. She needs to fix this not you. She needs to learn if she can trust you or not, because if she can't well then there really is no point being together and being miserable and being accused off all sorts.
Talk to her yes sure, but a lot of work needs to be done here, she needs to learn to trust and you need to learn to tell her the truth. Going away and staying in a hotel with your brother should not be a problem, but you felt like not telling her because you knew she would accuse you, not telling her makes her think she was right all along, she needs to get security and trust and you need to be able to tell her if you want to go away and not be secretive.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 September 2016):
 There are possibilities of getting back together, but you keep on running into trust issues like these. Or you get back together only on the condition that she works on her insecurity and trust issues. You may also feel that you don't deserve to be treated like this and decide you two are not a good fit.
When people accuse others for cheating yet having no proof and if that results in a break up, it won't be permanent. I would usually be a painful on and off relationship with her going off to "punish" you with silent treatment, to warn you, to keep you on edge so you need to earn her trust and assure you time and time again. That doesn't sound like fun at all. Perhaps you should rethink why you really want to get back together.
So she was away for the weekend, then worried what you were doing on your weekend away too. If trust is an issue, could there be another issue of you two not spending enough time together, or communicating enough? If you are in a habit of living two parallel lives but not really connecting when you are living together, that can add to the trust issues.
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