A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's like 3:30 in the morning right now, my wife is sleeping next to me and I need to get some advice and get this off my chest. Age is a good start I think, gives people an idea of what your looking at. I'm 28, I workout and I would say I'm a attractive guy :) ....my wife is 26 and she is beautiful. First off I love my wife and we have a precious 7 month old daughter that we both adore. Me and my wife have a loving relationship. We both cuddle each other at night to stay warm she loves that. We watch netflix together and hold each other while watching it. She cooks me dinner, I cook her dinner, we both share in the basic chores of the house. I clean the house 90 percent of the time. She works in the medical field on graveyard, as a nurse, she works 14 hour shifts but only does it 3 nights a week. I work as a IT tech guy and work 9 hour shifts 5 nights a week. I get Sunday and Monday off and she's off those 2 days also been that way for a long time now. Im given this amount of detail for a reason and ill explain at the end of the question LOLMy wife and I have been married for 2 years and have known each other for 3. So we met and got married within a year, kind of moved fast but there was a real connection between us. And like they say.."when you know, you know" and we both knew we were soul mates regardless if you believe that sort of thing or not. We have so much in common down to a love for horror movies and dr pepper :) ...we both love road trips, relaxing and we love mexican food we have everything in common besides sex but thats the purpose of the question and I'll get to that. I met her through a friend who works in the medical field with her, she introduced me to her one night at a wing place I love going to. Well we hit it off, I asked her out and we ended up dating for a good 2 weeks before we had sex for the 1st time. The sex was magical, (and I don't mean to brag) but all my exes till this day still tell me how that's the one thing they miss about me I'm good in bed...I don't do quickies never have, I am slow passionate and I take my time, love foreplay. Anyway, she was awesome also and we had a great night, and when we were together for the 1st couple months of our relationship the sex was constant, every time we saw each other we couldn't keep our hands off each other, she loved how I did it, how I touched her, took my time, felt her and loved her. Well that passed...It started with the excuse that she was tired, and I get her job makes her tired, but my job makes me tired yet I can still function. Medical field is stressful, she's a nurse, cleans up puke and urine and deals with unpleasant things. However she works 3 nights a week and has 4 to cool down and relax. Anyway...Eventually regardless of the slow decreasing sex drive of my partner we moved in together...we Eventually combined our bank accounts our bills, we share everything. She never goes a day without telling me she loves me and visaversa, I even in the beginning and even today am spontaneous, I buy her jewelry when she doesn't expect it, I write notes on the mirror telling her how she's beautiful to me and I rub her feet when she gets off work and take care of her. I do little things to show her I am lucky to have such a awesome woman in my life. I am the breakfast guy LOL I love breakfast and make sure we have it every morning, even on days she works over night I have her a meal ready before she gets home. Over time sex went from once a week to maybe once every two weeks to I'm luckily if I get any once a month. Currently as of today were going on once every couple of months she'll have sex with me and I think its only because she feels sorry for me but hell I take it. Eventually in our relationship we had a baby as a result of one of those far and few between times that we had sex. And I understood the no sex during the time she was pregnant, and right after the baby, I totally get how pregnancy is draining and I didn't bother her about it during that period of time, I made pregnancy as easy for her as I could. I even took off work for her on days she didn't feel good just to stay home take care of her, rub her back, cook and clean the house and make things as easy on her as possible, I adore my wife. And that's where it hurts and I've talked to her about it. I show my love physically I want her, I need that physical act to show her I love her. I feel unwanted, I know I kinda sound like a chick saying that but its true, I want her to want to enjoy when I kiss her and touch her and I want her to want me like I want her, and she never wants to have sex ever! And it kills me....now before people give advice let me again point some stuff out, I know a lot of woman like to judge the men and make it somehow our faults when this kinda relationship happens hence the detail of my question so you'll get the variables of what's going on that there is absolutely no reason why she would be holding herself back from me like this...I say this because before posting my own question I read other peoples and there are so many guys in the situation where there long term partner doesnt have sex with with and the responses from a lot of woman althou perhaps sometimes warranted is that the guy isn't doing something right, or isn't taking the time out or isn't talking to her so I just wanted to cover that this isn't the case in this situation... Still let me point out some facts. 1. I spend time with her, she's my best friend. We shop together, get groceries together, watch movies together go out and eat together and that part of us is 100% where it should be. 2. I share in the responsibility and more, I clean, I love taking care of our baby, I watch her on days she's working and our schedules work out to where we hardly ever have to have a baby sitter, I'm not going to go into how it works but it does. I clean, I cook, I do laundry during the day, I do more house work than she does.3.In the bed I try and switch it up, I kiss her softly her lips her neck and I am gentle I am slow, and when she realizes what I'm doing she pulls back and has an excuse like she isn't in the mood, I've tried going in more abruptly like, I would just randomly kiss her while she's doing something and I would just jump right into touching her and then I get my hand swatted away like I'm a child and she is like stop can't do it right now for whatever reason. Tried being rough didn't work, tried sneaking around it like reach my hand around and put it in the right place while were laying and cuddling but nope....So After 40 different methods of seducing her I end up now to my own shame begging LOL ..4. Yes I've talked to her. I told her its effecting our relationship and I told her I feel unwanted, I told her I want her and sex is a part of me. She apologies to me and says she's sorry she is just never in the mood. 5. Me and her friends are great friends and I get along great with her parents and my parents love her. 6. We cuddle, we kiss (never gets to passionate she pulls away because she doesn't want it to lead to sex even if it isn't my intention) so our kisses never feel heart felt anymore I can't kiss her for more than 2 seconds without her retreating, I know it isn't my breath I keep it fresh LOL7. No she isn't cheating on me, when she isn't at work she's always with me and never feels like going anywhere with her friends and when she does she wants me to come along too LOL we have no social life that doesn't involve each other. And our cell phones lay freely on the table we always know who each other are talking too and whatever, I mean yeah its went through my mind from a few years of not getting any that hmm maybe she's getting it at work but I go up there all the time to bring her stuff and she works with mostly woman and she stays too busy to have an affair plus there is nothing about her not to trust besides the lack of sex, I love her with all my heart and I couldn't have married a better person. And a very trustworthy person. I've seen guys hit on her when I am around and they don't know I'm with her and she doesn't give them the time of day. I would throw her in a room with the hottest of guys and leave for 3 weeks and know she would be faithful thats the trust I have in her. HOWEVER!!! I will say I have never cheated on my wife, I'm a good guy grew up in the church, believe in the sanctity of marriage, believe adultery is a horrible act that hurts everyone involved, but yes the lack of sex over time especially now gets me thinking about how easy it would be. There are girls I work with that have hit on me before and I tell them I'm married and I don't give them the time of day. But to say I don't think about it would he lying... Hence why I've reached the point where I'm asking for advice, I'm hurting inside..Sex to me isn't just about getting off, I need my wife, I want to feel she needs me too. Everyone has a different sex drive and I get if hers is not like mine, so am I selfish to want her as much as I do knowing that? In my head I've even started thinking about my ex who I use to have sex with several times a day. She's my ex because we had nothing else in common but sex lol, like that's all our realationship was and that's what held us together for a long time until we relized that's all we were and we fought a lot and had nothing in common but still I miss it. Because I married my wife because we do have everything in common, I can Actually talk to her for hours and never get bored and I never had that before meeting her. We are close on a deep level. But to the exact opposite of my ex our sex life is non existent. I almost texted my ex the other day but stopped myself. I don't want to go there not at all. I'm a honorable guy, I have respect for myself and for my wife. But my thoughts are going places they shouldn't and I am craving that closeness that I'm not getting I need sex. And that might sound dumb but it's up there with water and oxygen I need it lol
View related questions:
affair, at work, best friend, cheated on my wife, foreplay, I work with, in the mood, moved in, my ex, period, sex drive, sex life, soul mates, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 All i can suggest is counselling.
I know exactly what you're going through as I was in the same situation for years. I honestly don't know if it's possible for a woman to change in the way you want her to, but if you go down the counselling route, you've done everything you can.
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (12 March 2013):
This is, unfortunately VERY common at her stage in life. She is experiencing an identity crisis, and it runs much deeper, and is more subtle than she knows.
In her early thirties, the chance is pretty darned good he sex life is going to experience a serious revival. Yours might too, if you're lucky.
typical pattern of modern western women.
The good news: it's not your fault.
The bad news: there's not much you can do to fix it.
google "womens infidelity" Buy both of the author's books, and read them both very thoroughly. I'm not associated with her at all, don't get a referral fee, or a kickback, or any such nonsense. However, this author pegs this situation to the wall quite potently.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): there is a chance she is lesbian and therefore unable to feel attracted to you,
this is very common among married heterosexuals, feeling trapped in what is expected of them and therefore having to lie to themselves and their spouse,
you have to feel her don't waste all of your life trying for something to change, as impossible as hoping for yourself to grow wings because you want to fly,
try google the subject and begin to accept her rejection and live your life only doing things that other people also feel like doing with you don't pressure unless you feel the attraction, say to yourself its okay to make mistakes in life and move on and continue being her friend,
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTherapy makes sense i think ill do that. Thanks for the advice guys, and it was the entire time so cant be related to the pregnacy, however hormones make sense too we will go to the doc about it and a therapist and see what's going on my wife is totaly ok with doing that.
...............................
A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (10 March 2013):
 When you are really tired you value sleep or putting your feet up in front of the tele over sex, it's often as simple as that. Sex is fun when you do it but as a woman I can go without as I enjoy other aspects of life as well. Men aren't like this they need sex! Patience, communication, being the good husband you are... this is all you can do really.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): I have a slightly different take. Yes, you have demonstrated via your OP that you love your wife and are dedicated. We get it. HOWEVER, is it possible you are overdoing it here? I mean, all the things you describe you do for her...are you overcompensating or perhaps behaving in such a fashion as to establish a secret, unspoken "deal"? You know...I am going to do all these things for you, clean, rub your feet, take time off work, do most of the chores, do all these massively wonderful things and be the perfect prince charming, and in return, you are going to reward me with sex. I'm not saying you shouldn't show her you love her, but I wonder if you are maybe...just maybe....being a little bit manipulative here? I think she is already getting "too much" of you the way you describe things. I would back off a bit on trying so hard to be perfect husband, housemaid, masseusse, father, etc and give her the experience of wanting you more. The way you are doting over her, it sounds like smothering, and I don't think that is sexy at all. Look, you are in a tough spot, but you will not get your needs met by this kind of behavior. In fact, it may have a totally counterintuitive effect. She already is overloaded with intimacy in other ways from you (TOTALLY overloaded) and so when it comes to sex, maybe she's had her fill of you. I'm not trying to be mean, but you are not going to get your needs met by trying so hard. You need to have frank and direct conversation, either alone or with a therapist. Oh yeah, you have a kid with her, so stop fooling around with maybe texting an ex girlfriend or whatever. This is a real problem, and you need to take an adult approach. Ultimately, if this does not work out, you may need to accept this is how you life is going be unless you choose to end the marriage. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 March 2013):
 Oh dear this is a very hard one.
Has she gone on hormonal BC to prevent a second pregnancy? If so, that may be part of the problem.
She may have something else going on medical or hormonal. Since this was both before and after the baby is born I do not think it's post natal depression but having a full medical work up to rule that out is a good plan.
Would she consider marriage counseling? IF so, that to me would be step one.... if she won't go to counseling, well then it's a deeper bigger problem.
Once you have determined that it's not hormonal and it's just that she's got a much lower sex drive than you do, then you have the hard choices to make.
Just like you would not force her to eat when she's not hungry you would not force her to have sex when she's not in the mood. This means that you have to ask her for what her suggestions are for your needs to be met.
Sadly unless she can find a way to increase her drive I see only two options for you. Neither is pleasant or going to fix her or the marriage.
Option 1 will be you to take a lover on the side. There are plenty of women out there who would be ok with a long term affair with a married man who is looking for sex... I do not say to do this without her knowledge and consent however... you present it to her as an option for you to stay in the marriage. It's not traditional but it would keep you two married... the problem is you will probably fall in love with your girl on the side anyway from what you write I sense that you must have love with your partner (a truly lovely thing) and that will happen if you are physical with her.
Option 2 and what I fear will probably happen eventually is that you two will determine that you are sexually incompatible and you will have to end the marriage.
Sometimes sadly no matter what we want, we can't have it... and then we have to make tough choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): Hey, you sound like a great guy...keep going! Don’t text your ex, don't cheat! as for your wife, I am kind of similar, 6 month old baby and work shifts and haven't had sex with my loving husband for 4 months as I don't want to. It’s because I’ve lost confidence in my body since childbirth, and I’m still adjusting to my new role as mom. Breastfeeding has made me see my body differently. And trying to get intimate when our baby is in a cot in the same room feels wrong! I am no longer able to just be a sexy woman at home, being a mom kind of takes over. I’d say try what I would like my husband to do-woo her again. Make time to go out for a baby-free meal together, let her get dressed up, and just talk. Do this regularly, you'll reconnect and eventually she'll come to you. It’s important you talk-she needs to understand how you're feeling and vice versa. And be sure to consider the possibility of post natal depression. Hope things get better for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 March 2013):
 You sound like a very dedicated and sincere loving husband. And very understanding about your wife following the pregnancy.
Is there any possiblity that your wife could have some undiagnoses post-natal depression? untreated that can go on for a long time and really mess things up.
A baby and a graveyard shift could also be playing havoc with her biorythms. A baby adds a lot of expense to the household too.
Very gently raise the subject of a full medical. Perhaps both of you could attend to get a full medical. As a way to encourage her to get a full medical.
Or alternatively sit her down and tell her again how much you care, but ask if she would consider some counselling? To try to uncover any reasons for her reluctance.
You are doing everything right in letting her know how much you care and how much she means to her.
But maybe she sometimes sees all that as pressure?
So in the mean time back off from any action that could appear to indicate that you want sex.
If a woman is in this mode she may start to think every action is a push by the guy to ask for sex.
So she gets more and more action. And digs her heels in.
There is something going on in her mind about sex. I sincerely hope it does not mean mis-matched sex drives.
There are recognized professional psychologists who specialize as sex therapists who can also achieve great things, uncovering the real reasons for the dimished sex drive.
You sound like a good honorable husband so it sounds like you will work this out with empathy and consideration for your wife and hopefully she will respond with similar empathy and consideration considering how distressing this must be for you.
...............................
|
