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age
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anonymous
writes: My daughter will be 21 on her next birthday.She is a high achiever but also could be a handful at times. From the ages from 16 to 18 she was out a lot, yes she was doing her A levels, part time job and cared for her horse. She also did go out with friends a lot meaning that we, her parents, didn’t see much of her. She moved to away for university, studied, did well and now works in the city. Ever since uni she is not a fan of living at home and despite efforts to disguise it, her unhappiness is clear. She had been friends with one particular boy throughout uni, I always knew she liked him but she insisted they were friends. When she came home from uni earlier this year it was clear they were now more than friends and she came forward, not straight away that they were an item. It took me a while to get used to this I must admit. Her boyfriend is nice and funny at times, I can tell he cares deeply about my daughter. He has completed his studies too and also works in the city.Yes he is smart, but in a natural way where he never had to try much but he is lucky he is now in a good job with prospects, he has a car and rents a flat in a very nice area He came to our family gathering recently and met the extended family. He was helpful and it is obvious he is smitten with my daughter and cares about her deeply. It’s the small things that tell me this, the look in his eyes when he is watching her when she is talking, he is respectful of her career and although they both tease each other, it is clear that they are very attached to each other that recently my daughter admitted he was like a boyfriend and a best friend all in one. On paper he is you would think, the kind of guy you would want your daughter to be seeing, and they have been an item for months now. She usually spends most weekends and one sometimes 2 evenings a week at his. She obeyed when we said that we didn’t want her staying over at his when he lived at home but understood this was impossible to enforce once he had moved out. Despite my past I do not think that it is right for her to be staying over, she disobeys me when I tell her to come home at 10.15 on a work night as well and will often some in at 12 or 1am (ridiculous when she catches a an early train and isn’t home in the evening til nearly 8). Reently my daughter's horse died suddenly, I know she did not cope well with it and I know she still cries about it, she wont let us get rid of any of the horse stuff and will quickly change the subject if it is brought into conversation. Her boyfriend helped her throughout the last few days of the horses's life and provided a good emotional support for my daughter. I fear however my daughter has now got too deep into this relationship in response to the death of her horse. Over the past few weeks things are getting increasingly tense at home.My daughter was home the other weekend on my request but slept in. I ended up having to go shopping without her. The next week I had a cold which she was good about and stayed at home for the majority of the weekend bar Friday night but I could tell she was frustrated.I am not going to pretend I am innocent, I know I can be controlling but I fear I am losing my daughter. She is getting closer and closer to her BF and relies on him instead of me. I recently found out that she has been on the pill for a number of months (I saw them in her bag). She comes in late, often out a lot, I know she works long hours but I want to see her more however I know I am pushing her away by going on about it and she accuses me of moaning at her a lot. I know this because I saw her season train ticket and instead of our local station she has changed it to go further to her Bf's stop. She wants to start driving to the station so she can go out after work and not have to worry, she has started leaving bits and bobs at her Bf's place. Last night she walked in at half 12 after spending the evening at her Bf's place. I was very angry and shouted at her, she did not respond but simply went up to bed crying. This morning I have noticed a number of things missing from her room, I suspect that she is going to go straight to her Bf's tonight and planning on staying the night. Something which I do not agree with especially not on weekdays which I had previously forbidden. If she is at home in the evening, she will usually be in bed by 9 as she will be tired from usually a late night the night before. I have become increasingly concerned as have heard the expression “if we lived together” used, something that I know her Bf would love to happen. In my view, my daughter is out of this Bf's league and he is desperate to keep hold of her. I do not want her living with him, it would be a mistake for her as she is too young. Especially as he is not sure if he wants children or not, my daughter is also unsure about this but I do not think they should live together unless marriage is in the picture which I know at the moment it is not.Anyone else have these fears about your children or advice on how to deal with them? I know im driving her away but I cant help not approving of her relationship. I don’t want to lose my daughter although I know she is wanting to fly the nest.
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female
reader, LittleMissWakeUpCall  +, writes (6 October 2011):
 Let the poor girl breath! Carry on and you will lose her for good.
Wake up and see that she is responsible adult not an inmature child who needs direction in every aspect of their lifes.
If you do not allow to give your children freedom then normanally you find they tend to drown in this world rather than swim forward, you cannot protect her from everything.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 To a Mom, from a Mom...
At the rate you are going, you WILL lose your daughter!
First of all, understand that you SHOULD "lose" your daughter as a CHILD. You need to gain her as an adult now.
I get the feeling that you are most comfortable keeping her under your control in a parent-child relationship. She is an adult now.
She is old enough to have sex. She is old enough to have a bf. Because she does live at home with you, there should be some mutual reasonable rules about respect of the residents.
If she lives with you for free, it is reasonable to ask her to keep her room tidy, be helpful around the house, keep reasonable hours and standards of conduct. But, under no circumstances should you be expecting her to OBEY you, simply because you stated she should be.
She is nearing 21 and should be striking out on her own, even in ways you do not approove. You ARE nipping at her.
Imagine a kitten. When a kitten is small, the Mother can just grab them up by the scruff and whisk them off to where they should be. But, once that cat is grown and nipped at-that cat will fight back!
She is also grieving the loss of her horse and you are pushing to get rid of the horse items before she is ready. Are the items really bothering you that much that you can not take her natural process into consideration?
You admit you are a controlling person. That is a choice that is not working for you-so obviously something needs to change.
You may not approove of her choice in her bf-but that is her choice. You do not have a valid reason for disliking him. You are afraid of losing your control of her. You are afraid of her becoming closer to him and HIS opinion and imput on her life mattering more than yours. They got closer because she had a rough time and he was there for her. That is NORMAL Mom.
Dear Mother. That is how it is supposed to be! If you reject him openly for no reason other than that-YOU look petty! She will run the other direction and she will see your rejection of him as a rejection of her!
Please put your own feelings of loss aside. Your daughter is supposed to grow up and fly out of your nest. Snipping at her to stay put will only stunt her growth.
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female
reader, baby-blue-eyes +, writes (5 October 2011):
i have to agree you are way way out of line. youre treating her like a teenager not the adult she is she needs to live her own life. as for rushing into that relationship its her choice not yours she is over 21 she is perfectly entitled to have sex and stay at whoever she chooses. i know its hard as a mother to watch her leave and be growing up but this guy sounds fantastic he lvoes her and is her friend at the same time and provides for her and i think you should be glad shes with someone like this rather than sleeping with different guysas for the birth control pill , why on earth are you mad about it? its a very sensible decision and one youre taught in sex ed at school. what would you rather her be on the pill or end up with a baby at 21? for not moving in together until marriage is on the card , what a ridiculous outdated view!!!! as another poster says the queen encourage it for her grandson so why on earth wont you?? in many cases living together will show whether the relationship is strong or not you need to stop being so controlling all youre doing is pushing her away and honestly i can completely empathise with her being frustrated being at home with a mother like you
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): i agree completly, i think you are doing everything possible to drive her away even though all you want her to do is stay. let her be, cut the apron strings and be there for when she needs you.
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female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (5 October 2011):
I think if you were my mum i'd have either left by now or went completely insane you cant forbid her from doing anything she is an adult, being on the pill is very sensible but none of your business, you are VERY controlling you have to giver her a LOT of freedom or she will be gone, you will turn her against you because of how bad this situation sounds and i agree with every other aunt here cut the apron strings now
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): I agree with everyone else - take a step back and let her live her life the way she wants to, just like you did.
I'm coming 21 and have been with my BF for 4 years. For the first 3ish years, his dad was very like you - he controlled everything he did. It resulted in his dad driving him away, and giving me a real disliking towards him, simply because of how he treated his son.
I think it will be good for both you and your daughter if you loosen the reigns. If/when she needs you, you're there.
Why not take up a new hobby to fill your time?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 October 2011):
 I totally agree with the aunts. I have three grown children and I know how hard it is to smile and wave as they go out into the world, but it is a rite of passage for both them AND you. Cut those apron strings Mom. You have now passed on to the next very pleasant phase of motherhood.
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (5 October 2011):
 It is her life not yours. She wants to move in with her boyfriend let her. She wants to have sex with him let her. It doesn't matter if you beleive your daughter is out of his league they are in love that is really all that should matter.
Shes a women not a child and you should be thankful that like many young girls i know she hasn't run away from home got pregnant at the age of 14 with no job no boyfriend and no money.
I can assure you if you do carry on treating her the way you are there will be a day when she will get up walk out and that could be the last time you see her.
She ovbiously has respect for you and your rules and regulations why not have respect for hers?
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (5 October 2011):
 I have a 30 year old daughter, and I can honestly tell you "WOW!" You need to let go..yes, you are too controlling and you will push her further and further away. I was honestly shaking my head when I read things like "I forbid her to go..ect"...Come on mom....give her some freedom and do it willingly, not begrudgingly! She sounds like a great kid! She'll respect you more and want to spend more time with you if you let go, trust me.Don't make her think of home as a prison! I know its hard, it really is, but you need to let her be an adult now. Please don't push her away. My daughter got married at 18 to her boyfriend going into the service (he served in Iraq for 4 years). Did I like it? No! Was I sad about it? Absolutely. But you know what? I told her the pros and cons of getting married young and stood behind her wishes to marry at such a tender age. 10 years later, they are very happy together. My misgivings turned out to be wrong. I'm glad I kept them to myself. Please trust your daughter to make good decisions about her life. Let her fly. She'll love you for it, I promise!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 October 2011):
 Dear MOM,
you are out of line. she is an adult and you are done raising her. It appears you did an AWESOME job raising her that she is repsonsible and helpful and polite.
Sounds like her BF is a fine young man and you are pushing her away and straight into his arms.
I know this is scary and frustrating for you but the saying is "we give our children two things.. roots and wings" It's very very very hard to do the wings part....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): My daughter left for uni and didnt come back, she has a career in the city and loves it. She lived with her boyfriend while studying but they have now split up.Did I approve, well I thought she missed out on alot during uni,did I say anything - no.
From the many tears on the day I took her to her student housing, to now, I have let her forge her own path.I am on the end of the phone should she need me or advice. We have a strong bond and plan weekends together every 2 or 3 months doing something special.
Please stand back and let her make her choices, she has a great boyfriend and has proved she has a wise head on her shoulders. You move on to the next stage of your life now, enjoy being free of childcare,be there if she needs you and realise you did a good job raising her to be an independant young woman.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 October 2011):
 Gosh I thought my mother was bad when I was growing up but you make her seem like a saint!
In short, yes you are pushing her away, yes you are FAR too controlling and you have to learn to let go! One sentence in this post summed it all up for me: "I fear I am losing my daughter. She is getting closer and closer to her BF and relies on him instead of me"
You simply dont want to let her go - she is an adult, she is nearly 21 now, she should be coming and going as she pleases within reason (obviously with respect for you while she is living at home). She doesnt need her mum like she used to and you cant cope with that hence you are acting like an irrational, controlling mother, treating your daughter like she is 12 still.
I moved out to go to uni aged 18, then aged 21 I moved in with my boyfriend after uni. Was my mum happy about it? No, she didnt think he was right for me (she only told me that after we split up!) and she did warn me at the time she didnt think it was right for us to move in together. However she respected that was what I wanted, we were in love and she let me move in with him - as she still says now, you have to let your children make their own mistakes.
I cant believe you are complaining about this boyfriend of hers, he has a good job, is well educated, has his own place, a car, treats your daughter very well...overall he is a good presence in your daughter's life and he makes her happy. As a parent all you should want is your child to be happy - regardless of whether or not she could get a richer, more attractive etc boyfriend - this man is good to her and they are happy together, he treats her well....she is lucky to have him and you should be pleased for her. My ex that I moved in with used to hit me, he had no manners, he treated me terribly....your daughter could do a heck of a lot worse, believe me, and what she has sounds pretty good to me. Keep that in mind!
You need to take a step back now and realise she isnt a baby anymore, you cant keep her wrapped up in cotton wool any longer and she is coming to that time in life where she wants to fly the nest. And that is perfectly natural at her age, she should be moving out and being an independent young woman, rather than a child with a curfew who is dragged out to do the shopping with mum! Even aged 18 if my mum ever made me go out and do the shopping with her I would not have been pleased, I dont need to go everywhere with my mum and neither does your daughter!
You will have a much better relationship with her if you let go and stop trying to keep her a child - let her be the young woman she really is. Dont tell her she cant stay over at her boyfriends, that is simply ridiculous, they are taking precautions sexually and they have known each other a long time, its not like she is staying out at a strangers house! Let her have the freedom to stay there as much as she wants, there is no valid reason for you to tell her she cant anymore.
As for a curfew - I think you just need to tell her that now she is allowed to stay out at the boyfriend's whenever she wants, you just dont want her to start treating your house like a hotel or laundry service. So if she is staying at home one night, then dont come in too late out of politeness to you and the rest of the family. Also she needs to make sure she is helping out with chores, she cant just dump her washing at home and go back out to the boyfriend's.
She has her own job - it is her responsiblity to make sure she is not tired etc otherwise she will lose her job - it is not your place to tell her she has to be in at a certain time on a weekday, she is not at school anymore! Her job is her own responsiblity, not yours - just let her be, give her some freedom to do what she wants now she is an adult. With a job, a car, being nearly 21....she can make her own decisions, mummy shouldnt be making them for her!
As for the moving out issue - I think you need to take a back seat like my mum did and let her make her own mistakes (if it is a mistake). How will she ever learn if you are controlling her every move? She is old enough to move out now, and if she wants to live with her boyfriend then so be it. Society is different today than when you were growing up, people live together for years before getting married, it is not unusual. There doesnt need to be a proposal before you live together, that is very old fashioned thinking. And who is to say that they havent discussed marriage? I know with my boyfriends in the past within 6 months to a year we will have discussed what we want from the future, and often marriage is mentioned as a future aspiration. So just because she doesnt have a ring on her finger doesnt mean they havent spoke about it, she just wont have told you because she will be afraid of your reaction (and quite rightly so if this is the way you treat her!).
In summary, you need to stop treating her like a school child and let go. She is a grown woman, she needs her freedom and the more you try and control her the more she will resent you. It will be hard for her, going from having freedom at uni to feeling like she is a teenager still at school again, and you are making it very hard for her. Give her space, let her do what she wants after all she can now, she is old enough to be doing whatever she wants. Stop being afraid of men taking her away from you - it is going to happen eventually so accept it and deal with it. It sounds like she has a lovely boyfriend and could do a lot worse, so be thankful she has found someone who treats her so well. Have a read through other questions on this site from 18-21 year olds and you will see some of the horrific relationships they have, your daughter has done very well for herself you just cant see that.
The reason you cant see that is not because you actually disapprove of the boyfriend - you admit on paper you say he is great. The only reason you dont like him is because he is taking your daughter away, not because you have a problem with him as such. In your eyes no-one will ever be good enough for her - this is a problem you need to deal with rather than taking it out on your daughter and her boyfriend.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (5 October 2011):
Hi OP
I think it is natural that you not only want the best from your daughter, but also want to have her around as you enjoy spending time with her and are probably dreading the day she moves out.
However, having read your post, I think you have hit the nail on the head when you say that you are driving her away.
I appreciate that she is living under your roof and as such you are free to make the rules. It seems to me, however, that your rules are going so far as to control your daughter, and she is clearly unhappy about this. To be honest, it is none of your business if she chooses to come in late and have to get up early the next day- she is an adult, with a job. She is not at school now. If she can handle it then it is her concern, not yours. Do not busy yourself with this sort of thing, because this is really up to her. If your concern is that her getting in late disturbs YOU, then that is a different matter. But making a curfew on a week-night for HER benefit is stepping over the line in my opinion.
It is also none of your business whether, as a 20 yr old woman, she is taking birth control. If anything that is a very sensible move.
Your opinions on whether they should live together or not, are, I am afraid, simply that, your opinion. You cannot stop them short of locking your daughter in your house. Of course try and give her constructive and helpful advice should the situation arise- you are her mum after all- but putting your foot down with have the opposite effect I imagine.
Lastly, you have to remember that your daughter has a good job, and income, and seemingly a boyfriend who would like her to move in. If you try and control her she has every means available to move out. This is not what you want, clearly, so I think you have to try and loosen the reins a little if you want her to stay with you. Remember, she has to WANT to stay. The more you try and force her, the more she will rebel.
Although she is your little girl, she is a grown woman now with a degree and good job. You have to try and treat her accordingly.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 October 2011):
 Yes you are most certainly treating your responsible adult daughter like a child. This dear woman, who you brought into the world has done well at her studies, has chosen a lovely man as her boyfriend. She is responsible about contraception. It is Legal for her to have sexual relations with her boyfriend. She is employed. She is in a stable relationship. And further she has faced the grief of losing her beloved horse.
Please cut her some slack or you will lose her from your life.
She is not irrespponsible. Her boyfriend sounds a really nice guy. Are you going to tell your friend that you do not think this lovely kind respectful man is not good enough for your daughter? I hope not. Because he sounds like a really excellent responsible boyfriend.'
Your delightful daughter is not promiscuous.
Your delightful daughter is not doing illicit drugs.
In a nutshell you have done a wonderful job bringing up your daughter. Now it is time to step back and allow her the chance to make her own decisions.
And living with her boyfriend sounds like the most responsible next decision. If it is good enough for the Queen of England to support her own grandson living with his wife first and then marrying Princess Catherine then why of why is it unacceptable for you to support yoru daughter?
Cherish your beautiful responsible daughter. Apologise for being too controlling. Let her know she has your blessing to decide her own future. Then book a nice cruise and leave your daughter and her boyfriend to develop their relationship without any input from you.
Our parents cannot choose our sexual partners. And neither should a parent even think of every intervening and trying to choose who our children, when they are old enough to decide, who they prefer as a sexual partner. Your daughter has already chosen the man she does really care about. Please respect her choices. She is not a little girl - your daughter is a Grown woman, well able to weigh up the pros and cons of any decision she makes.
Please try to show her more respect in the future.
If you need a Project to take your mind off this then find out if there is a newer Charity in your area, one that you are unfamiliar with, that could use your considerable organisational skills to fund raise.
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A
female
reader, mashftw  +, writes (5 October 2011):
So I'm not a mother or anything but I am a daughter so maybe I could tell you a few tips about being in her mindset. Boyfriends for the most part mean the world to you and you always seek out there help for everything you can. What I'm sensing here from you is that you feel a little replaced, maybe even a little jealous that she spends all this time with her boyfriend instead of you. It's understandable because you are her mother and believe me when I say this, absolutely no one will ever be able to take your place. You raised her from a young age and she'll never forget the time and effort you've put into her growing up. But what you need to do here is step back and let her do what she feels is necessary for a little while. Ever heard the expression "If you love somebody, let them go"? The good thing is you don't exactly have to let her go. All you have to do is loosen up a little and I know it's easier said then done. You just have to try your hardest to be less controlling. She's 21 now, she's not exactly a reckless teenager anymore that needs to rely on her parents for everything... Trust me moving out of home is easier said then done as well. Let her know about your unease of her staying the night at her boyfriends but don't force her to stay home. As you've seen for yourself... she's on Birth Control pills so she's taking care of herself and her body. And if you're wondering why she didn't tell you... it's probably because she didn't want you to overreact or worry about her. As I said she's 21 now, and she has her own life to deal with. She'll come to you for the things only a mother can answer but I'm sorry to say that once she's set with her man, then she might go for him for the more simple stuff. You'll never lose your daughter unless of course you push her away. And trust me it's not too late to tell her how you feel and how you plan to step back a little. She'll respect you for that. And if things go south, just remind her and let her know that her mother will ALWAYS be there for her through thick and thin... because that's what mothers do right? She means a lot to you and I can tell so let her be happy by letting her have a little space. She'll come back to being closer to you when she's ready.P.S And as for the children part... even she would know that having a children at this time of her life (with uni and still living at home) isn't wise at all. So you shouldn't worry about that. Have some faith in your daughter because she sounds like she knows what she's doing, she's just a little frustrated with the world right now.Goodluck and keep posted! I really hope you take my advice on board.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): Yes, you are driving your daughter away. And what's more, your behaviour is starting to cause her psychological damage. The way you are acting s deeply controlling, and involves a level of interference that is not only likely to be unwelcome, but actually intrusive on her privacy and damaging to her self-esteem. You don't seem to realize that nowadays, kids of 18 - nevermind 20 - are grown adults, capable of making their own life decisions. I know that everything you do is coming from a point of care for your daughter. And yes, since she is living with you, you have a right to set some groundrules about her behaviour in her house. However, these should be based on what is practically convenient and considerate behaviour for the family - and should NOT be an excuse to take decision-making powers away from her, or to enact moral laws or enforce what you believe to be sensible behaviour. If she chooses to stay up all night on a work night, provided she doesn't inconvenience you, that's her choice. If she chooses to spend the night elsewhere, that is her choice. If she chooses to live with someone before marriage, that is also her choice. You need to back off and respect her space as a grown person. She needs to live her own life, make her own decisions and mistakes, and grow strong and resilient - and you're making her deeply unhappy by insisting that she remains an eternal seven year old.The only way that you can maintain a good relationship with a grown child is to respect their right to differ from you. By not doing this, you force her into a terrible position: of having to choose between psychologically healthy independence and growth, and psychologically damaging stuntedness. Don't be that parent! Allow her to develop and grow, and be there for her as a friend, a confidante, and an advisor (but never a dictator). She'll appreciate your wisdom and advice far more. Also, you need to cut her boyfriend a break. He sounds like a lovely, reliable, dependable lad, who has her interests very close to his heart. Far from treating him with suspicion, the smart thing to do is to invite him warmly into the bosom of your family, and forge emotional connections that will allow you to be close to him as well as to her. More than anything, though, you need to prepare yourself for her inevitable and healthy flight from the nest. Instead of clinging to her desperately and dreading her adulthood, you should be celebrating the fact that, after so many years of hard service as a parent, you finally get the chance to do some of the things you've missed out on all these years - craft classes, time with friends, holidays, adult learning... the world is your oyster! Treat this as an opportunity to fulfil some lifelong dreams, and develop your own independence in the process.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): please don't be too controlling she'll become distant to you. act like a friend than a mother because that is what she needs now from you. her bf sounds like a genuine guy to me and she is not a kid anymore so let her decide that she wants. if spending time with him is going to make your daughter feel better then please let her. she sounds like a nice girl helping you around and taking care of you but do not force her into doing things. hope it helps....All the best!!!
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