A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is around 10 years older than me and is in a rush to get married because he feels that he is of that age and his family and culture expects that of him. We're of the same culture and I definitely understand that about him but I just can't get married right now. I feel like he really loves me but he's extremely worried that I'll dump him in several years and it'll be even harder for him to find someone to marry then.He asked me a while back about having some "back-ups", girls he can go on semi-dates with and keep in contact to just in case I dump him later. And he promises that nothing, no physical or emotional stuff, would happen between him and these girls. Even though this concept doesn't make me completely comfortable, I agreed to it, with the stipulation that he be completely honest with me about any dates he goes on or girls he meets.Now, a couple of months later, I find out that he has been secretly meeting and dating girls (in particular one girl), flirting with them over text, etc, all the while telling me that he never goes on dates with girls, even though I allowed him to. He has been dishonest with me in the past about other issues and I just feel that the least he could have done, given that no girlfriend would be happy with him seeing other girls, is be honest with me...I just really don't know what to do at this point... I no longer trust him about this, but he also doesn't want to give up having those "back-ups"... and still refuses to be open about what he has done with these girls, as in the texts he sends, dates, etc...Any suggestions? other than just dump him... because I obviously still care for him :(
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male
reader, shotover +, writes (16 October 2012):
First of all, you did nothing wrong, and your boyfriend is 100% in the wrong.He should break up with you if he intends to date other women.However, I don't think that his reasons for dating these other women is sexual. Based on what you have said, it seems like you are indeed #1, and these women are indeed back ups. If you consented to marrying him now, I would venture to say that he would cease all contact with these women and marry you.He is indeed worried that you will dump him - because you are young and haven't fully grown into your personality yet. There is no security for him, and he wants an exit option because he doesn't feel secure enough to go all in with you and to wait for you to make the decision to be with him. He has talked himself into thinking that you do not love him enough to commit to him, and so he wants to see if there is someone who will. But, he wants YOU.Let me reiterate: he is 100% in the wrong. However, this is not like when you are BOTH on the same page and direction and then he cheats. In a situation like that, you need to 100% leave.Right now, you are both in one direction (relationship) but in different lanes. He is looking for marriage, you are looking to see how things go.You need to decide if it's worth it at this point. I don't think he will cheat on you if you two were married, but his behavior now tells you that he does have the capacity to do so.You should tell him that you are not ready to be married right now, but that you love him (if you do, that is). And that you understand that he wants to get married, but you can't make that commitment right now. You also need to tell him that you two are in a committed relationship, and if he does truly want to marry you, he will not frequent these back up girls and that he will wait. And if he cannot wait, and insists on having and seeing back up girls, that you cannot be with him anymore.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): your bf is taking advantage of you ... sorry i know it's really hard to hear when you have feelings for him and want to work it out, but there's nothing to work out. he's such a lucky guy: he gets his steady girlfriend who will always be there and also the life of a single man testing out other girls and who knows: maybe he'll find another girl he thinks makes a better fit!
i think that if you still want to continue the relationship you're going to have to accept his tendency for an open-relationship.
a relationship is of course based on trust and commitment, therefore why would he be dating other people when he thinks one day you'll get married? if he thinks that one day you will leave him, the relationship is already doomed...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 October 2012):
 why do you still care about him
he's cheating on you
he lied to you
he continues to lie to you
he's pressuring you to do things you don't want (i.e. marry)
sorry but men in love don't need "backup girls"
I vote for dump him or continue to be his doormat...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 October 2012):
 Wow he is ONE manipulative bugger isn't he?!
He gets YOU to agree that HE gets to date other people because he tell you that he think YOU will likely dump him in a couple of years? So it's actually "your" fault he needs to date other women... *insert eyeroll*
Can't you see that part is total BOGUS?
After all, if you plan on leaving him in a couple of years anyways shouldn't YOU be looking for a replacement too?
And I don't think you really didn't mind him dating... You just agreed to keep the relationship going. However, he is really just stringing you along til he can find someone "better". You are just convenient to have around because you are of the same "cultural background".
Honey, you can do so much better. WHY are you OK with a man using you as a some kind of "cultural doormat"?
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 Why do you think you are going to dump him in a few years time?
To be honest it doesnt sound like this relationship is working - you want to leave him in the future and are already thinking about this, and he cares more about getting married than the person he is getting married to.
He obviously doesnt care who he marries, as long as he knows he is getting married soon. Hence the back up girls! If you were 'the one' he would wait as long as it takes to marry you, and he wouldnt care that it is a big risk that you might dump him one day, his love for you would outweigh the risk of waiting for you.
So you are not 'the one' for him - you are just one of many options for him, and he will take whoever wants to get married quickest. Do you really want to stay with a man who doesnt care who he marries? Do you really want to think about a future with a man who doesnt think you are 'the one'?
You should always try to marry for love, no matter what your culture. And I think you sound like a sensible girl who does believe in love and wants a long and happy relationship with a man you love. So you are wasting yourself on this man, who doesnt love you enough to wait for you as long as it takes.
Think carefully about this, I know you dont want the 'dump him' advice but I really cannot see a future for this relationship when you are thinking about dumping him anyway, and he is dating other women in his quest to get married as soon as he can.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 Sorry but the " just dump him " is really the only solution here. Your bf is a slick one, and you are disquietingly naive. Do you really think that any normal girls would accept to go on semi- dates with him, for years ! as apparently they are supposed to do) without having in view any romatic / sexual involvement ?... then they'd be just platonic friends and there's no reason why you could not be introduced to them and befriend them too and maybe hang out all together.
Sure, in a few years you may change your mind and dump him . So ? You could change your mind and dump him even after years and years of marriage and children. If that could not happen , they would not have invented divorce.
In love , and in life, there is no etched - in- granite guarantee ; but if you love somebody and trust her / him, you are willing to accept that there is a , hopefully minimal, risk of not having a happy ever after, and STILL love honour respect and be faithful to that person until you are together.
You are right, no self respecting girlfriend , least of all one that contemplates turning from gf to wife, would ever accept him keeping a battery of back - ups, regardless if he has physical contacts with them ( as I bet he does ) or not. It just defies the purpose of being in a committed relationship. So , I guess that's why he can't " at least " be honest as you want him to be. Because honesty and straightforwardness imply respect . He has zero respect for you, so that's why he does not bother sticking to standards he does not see you as worthy of.
Tell him to keep his semi-dating friends and get the hell out of your life, so you can meet someone less insecure , deceiptful and self centered.
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