A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was seeing a girl and she has a boyfriend, who she got just a few weeks after we met. Turns out she wanted to see both of us. But recently finally, the boyfriend found out her secret. She was out with me, and he got security to bget into her room where he read all her private messages on the computer. After this point, I became the enemy, she totally blamed me, saying like I forced her to meet for 4 months, even though she said she preferred sex with me. I was angry and said she can't only blame me, it takes two to tango. She blocked me on our usual messaging apps and I just feel angry how she's behaved to me. For reasons like age she wanted to stay with him, I am wondering about leaving or sending a letter with a gift. I have waited one week so far. Should I do that? I feel like appeasing the situation and say sorry for my part, for seeing her while she has a boyfriend, and saying to her I want her as a friend. Am I wrong here to think that she is also to blame for him finding out and feeling hurt? I feel annoyed she blamed all on me.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 May 2020):
 I am not sure your anger is justified. You are sore at her because of having been unceremoniusly dumped when she decided unilaterally that you weren't worth making her bf mad, and / or worth teh hassle in general. Ok, that may smart .
Then again, she did not have any obligation toward you,not even from a moral or emotional standpoint ( and viceversa , of course, had you been the dumper/ blocker ) - She got a boyfriend, you willingly accepted the position of bit-on-the-side,- you were friends-with-benefits, the main squeeze was the other guy . Now what, do you complain because she was not loyal to you ? She was not very loyal to the boyfriend either , when she was dating him and shagging you ! I guess she is just not the loyal type- but when this benefited you, you did not complain, did you ? ?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020): The more I read your posts here the more I feel sorry for this woman. Yes she is a nasty piece of slime but so are you. You think it is fine to use a young woman for sex, just so long as she carries on with it and continues to lie to her boyfriend. You talk about her as if she is a horrible person for cheating but you are just as horrible as you wanted her to cheat and gave her the chance to, instead of moving on to be on your own or with an older and totally single woman. Nice men do not go for much younger women, that means it is all about sex.
As for the idea of you sending her a gift. What you really mean is that you miss the sex and the ego boost of having a younger woman want to spend time with you and you hope that some cheap gift will get you back to this point. Do you not have a job? Do you not have a decent income? If so then spend some of that on a woman who sells sexual favours for a living. Pay the normal prices. Don't try to get them cheap off of this woman. Why can't you get into a normal 1 2 1 relationship with a woman of your own age? Why does it have to be someone else's girlfriend, sneaking about and someone younger?
As a young woman I have met a lot of men like yourself. They wanted to buy me gifts. Usually some cheap tawdry thing which amounted to a hill of beans. And expected the World in return for it. If you want to play the games that mature men play, then do it the way they do it, with proper gifts, paying her rent, buying her a car and all the rest. Even then she is entitled to say no thanks you are too boring / dumb / childish / ugly / old and move on to another guy.
What could you have offered her, truthfully? YOU are incredibly selfish, naive, very immature and short sighted. She would gain nothing by choosing you instead of the younger man. You do not offer wisdom or experience, the things younger women might prefer an older man for.She would have had all of the bad bits of being with an older man with none of the good bits.
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A
female
reader, hilary +, writes (27 May 2020):
 She has shown her true colours. You now know she is selfish, manipulative, crafty and self serving. Is that not enough for you to move on? You did well out of it while it lasted, just be grateful for the fun you had then. There was no way it could have lasted when she prefers this other man and is doing everything she can to make sure she does not lose him because of you.
These situations happen all of the time. Usually some married man gets a girlfriend and when he is found out throws her to the wolves in a desperate attempt to stop his wife ending their marriage. Then nine times out of ten the wife is dumb enough to stay.
People are selfish and if necessary they lie to protect the life they want. You were doing it for a while, so you know this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 May 2020):
 Honestly, OP?
Thank you lucky starts it's over with her, because it gives YOU the opportunity to pursue a quality woman.
Let it go. Set yourself free from the drama.
Being angry (in your case) is understandable but its also totally pointless. It's the analogy of taking poison hoping someone else will die.
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A
male
reader, Andrewh2020 +, writes (26 May 2020):
I don't mean to come across nasty or anything, just feeling bad. Chatting here has helped me vent you know? Better to vent here than to go contact her. Thanks guys, appreciate your advice really.
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A
male
reader, Andrewh2020 +, writes (26 May 2020):
Of course I won't do anything with that video, will delete it. I'm just saying I can't believe how people change, it's sad. I know it's the right thing to just forget it all and not speak again. But this is not easy. Women seem to be able to do that more easily. I will try though
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 May 2020):
 Just get over it man. You were used, draw a line under it and move on.
You will be the one who looks an asshole if you try to get your own back, what’s the point? Just walk away.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 May 2020):
 Hi Andrewh2020,
I've just read your follow-ups. It appears to me you are angry to be the "loser" in this scenario and are now looking for ways, or even validation, for getting your own back. Not only is she not interested in a relationship she doesn't even want to be your friend.
I think you should back right off. I also believe your should delete that sex video, especially if you are planning to use it against her in any way. You are coming across as a nasty individual who is refusing to let it go.
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A
male
reader, Andrewh2020 +, writes (25 May 2020):
I want to share with you, she even made a sex video with me while she had a boyfriend. Lol what the, even she still blames me for everything. Annoying and incredible isn't it
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A
male
reader, Andrewh2020 +, writes (25 May 2020):
Yes great answers thanks! I suppose because of feeling angry, I feel I want to mess around with them more, somehow, it feels like I can't just walk away, I want to fight a little you know? :)
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 May 2020):
 A letter and a gift? Really? You WANT to be seen as a weirdo stalker?
She is spinning this tale about you forcing yourself on her because she's trying to appease the new guy. It's the tale she has to weave if she has any chance of keeping him. I'm not justifying it, by the way, just telling you her mindset.
My advice is to block and delete her. She tried to date both of you, reason enough to cut her loose. Now that she's been caught she's trying to paint you as the bad guy. She is NOT friend material.
Block and delete her. Stay as far away from her as you can.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): Thanks for your help everyone. I know you're right. Simply, it's ridiculous but to be blocked from even messaging really is annoying and I can only say I considered to make peace. I know she doesn't deserve anything, but I really have trouble, despite my age, from walking away from things where I can't even contact. Even if I was not blocked and even a few words in one month. Fine. Even I am happy I'm not going to be with her, Just this kind of thing plays on the mind you know
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): BTW...if you want to be her "friend?" See if her boyfriend will give you his permission?
Make some distance, my friend. That's a gift in-itself! That will resolve everything!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): My friend, if you were a teenager, or in your early 20's; your reaction to this silly drama would make sense. You're pushing 40, and this ridiculous fiasco should be beneath you.
She ditched you; so take it like a man. What other choice does she have once she got caught??? She can blame whomever she wants; but she willingly and deliberately cheated on her boyfriend! As her partner-in-crime; you colluded with her in the process!
You don't want to take the blame? You are old enough, and bright enough, to know that cheaters get caught sooner or later!!! You are equally to blame! If she wants to blame you...so what? Her boyfriend still holds her at fault; and she's going to have to find a way to seek his forgiveness.
Now bow-out gracefully, and mind your own business!
Don't go trying to make more trouble thinking aggravating the situation will make her choose you. He might just go upside your cheating-head! Even get a group of his buddies, and knock the blame out of you!
Your best move is to BACK-OFF!!!
Keep your gifts and letters. You've created enough trouble by messing around with another guy's woman! You were cavalier and selfish. You wanted what you wanted, knowing she was taken. If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be telling us how terrible of a no-good woman she is! You'd want to beat the snot out of the guy she cheated with!
You want to send a letter and a gift? Are you being facetious? Man-up to your age!
Leave her alone and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): If you were angry and are annoyed, why send a gift? You say that you’ll say sorry and say nice things— how do you think she’ll react? She’ll react by thinking that you are definitely the one to blame/the one at fault since you are basically telling her you are at fault by giving her a gift and saying sorry!
Even if you tell her the bad things in this note as well, what’s the point, in the end she’ll see the gift as an apology because you are indicating that you are to blame.
The best thing to do if you don’t think it’s your fault is to NOT send a gift, NOT say sorry, and NOT go groveling back to her by trying to “appease the situation.”
I’m going to say something blunt here for the purpose of trying to wake you up and open your eyes... I can’t believe how dumb some people are when it comes to chasing the object of their affections. These people act like they don’t care and like they have the upper hand by saying things like you’re saying, that you’re upset etc, and showing outrage.... but then they show how they ACTUALLY TRULY feel by still chasing the guy/girl by reaching out to them, contacting them, or like on your case, sending gifts. Trust me, I’ve been on the receiving end of such behavior, and believe me, we can see through people like you!! It’s not rocket science! It’s obvious! The problem is whole people like me can be respectful of the chaser’s feelings, others may be cruel and manipulative about it.
I don’t even know why I’m going out of my way to stop you or point this out to you when there are people in a more worthy blameless situation than you. Especially since I bet you’re going to send the nice note/gift anyway because you still want her (or even care enough about her to want her to think nice thoughts about you). If you do, then you’re just talking into the same old typical behavior as old as time.
I hope you can move on, good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 May 2020):
Eh, you were used and it hurts. I get that, but it's not like you didn't KNOW she was seeing someone else too.
If someone you are dating or seeing more casually start to see/date someone else BESIDES you, then you have a choice, you can decide NAH I'm not really up for being one of many, and if SHE didn't pick you but kept you around while looking for more or just someone else... they she wasn't all that into you in the first place.
It sounds like she isn't a very decent person. After all, she didn't tell her "new beau" that she was seeing you as well. And when HE found out? She blame it all on you. And HE is an IDIOT for believing her excuse... That you MADE her date you for 4 months? I mean come on... In what world is that realistic?
I think you should take some time and look at your own behavior here. Why on earth would you continue to see someone who CLEARLY shows you that she isn't all THAT into you? LOOK at a person's actions not just what they say. She SAID she liked sex with you better... She probably said the same to guy #2. Because she felt it would keep you around, and it did.
I think you dodged a bullet here. She isn't a great person. She sounds selfish and immature. Maybe that is something you enjoy, but remember it will also come with drama like this.
Maybe dating someone significantly younger that you isn't how you find a long term partner.
Should you send her a letter or gift? What on Earth for? So she can show it off and laugh? Or give the new beau MORE reason to dislike you?
She picked the other guy, she used you and threw you under the bus the moment it was MORE convenient to get rid of you.
Leave her be, more on. And don't get involved with people who don't want to make YOU a priority in their life. Don't get involved with someone who wants to "see" other people while seeing you.
Lastly, I think it's normal to feel a bit angry here, but some of that anger should be directed at yourself. It's not like you are totally blameless for this mess.
Do better next time you pick a potential partner.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (25 May 2020):
I cannot imagine what this girl saw in you.
You are like the obnoxious sitcom guy who thinks he is entitled to every woman’s attention. Only where that guy is funny you’re just a creep. Leave this woman and her boyfriend alone before you find yourself receiving an order of protection from the police.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): Thanks again. Just so you understand, actually I didn't imagine being with her, it was more like fun for me, actually for both of us. I am really fine if she stays with him really. True as someone said I wouldn't want a serious relationship with someone like this. Basically I wanted to try to make peace, maybe be a friend at most because, well humans are complicated, I did like her however badly she just behaved
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 May 2020):
In all honesty you need to grow up, you’re around 40 years of age and you’re aiding someone in cheating?
How would a gift help? Why would you even want to be in the middle of this? If she wanted to be with you she would be, you’re a play thing that she discards whenever she feels like it. Get a grip and move on.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (25 May 2020):
 I think that reaching out would be a huge mistake. Closure is overrated and you're going to get nothing out of this. You don't need to be her friend. Why you'd want to be friends with someone who can basically basckstab you by lying on you like she did and point you out to be the bad guy is beyond me. You can't trust someone like her. Why would you want a friend that you can't trust? Or a friend that you have a more than friendly past with? Yes you had a your role to play in the whole thing as well because to be honest, you set yourself up to be used like you were. You knew she had someone and you chose to be the side piece. She continued to use you and in the end, she made her position clear with regards to how she felt about you when she threw you under the bus and blocked you. When someone blocks you, that's it. That's the end. I think it's best for you to accept what's happened and let her go. It's within your best interest. Trust me, she knows how wrong she was and all the ways in which she possibly hurt you and betrayed you... She just doesn't care. Now ask yourself, is that the calibre of person that you want in your life?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (25 May 2020):
 DON'T send a letter or a gift. She Threw you under the bus. Sure you feel stung that the younger guy won. Sure you can give her more things/maney/security than he can. Sure there is a chance to win in the end . . . .
But.
But what would you win? In fact what did the younger guy win? The chance to date a faithless cheater.
Why would you want to win that?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): Thank you for your replies. Firstly the age is correct, and that is one reason I wasn't first choice. But I'm fine with continuing as only friends at best. I was fully aware she was dating him also. This is in a university building but I think security were wrong to let this guy in her room. She was out with me and didn't look at her phone, so he tried to say he worried about her safety. Very invasive and after 4 months only he talks of marriage. So basically, yes it's ridiculous I came off as the bad guy and I'm truly annoyed, yet I just liked the girl and never imagined how she's behaved. I worry for her, with this guy, she is easily led. But I'm done worrying. I hate falling out I would just like to leave a gift and note to make peace. But in the note as well as saying nice things I also want to tell her the bad points.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (25 May 2020):
Come on bro. She has made it plain you are not her priority. Telling you she prefers sex with you was her way of keeping you hooked. Grow a pair and move on.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (25 May 2020):
 I think you should forget about this woman and move on.
You started seeing her, and she met someone else a few weeks after you met. Well if that is not enough to make you want to walk away i don't know what is.
The other guy got security to get into her room, where he read all of her messages. Is she on some sort of University campus or something?. Where ever it was why would security break into her room without her presence, letting a guy in to have a snoop around?. Seems strange to me.
I would not send a letter, or gift, i would cut contact with her and move on, you can do better.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (25 May 2020):
 Are you really in your late 30s or is the profile age a mistake? This sounds more like a post from a teenager.
That aside, to answer your post, she blamed you because she could not blame the person who was really at fault here, and that was - of course - HER. SHE is the one who was dating you both at the same time. No problem with that, especially when relationships are in their infancy, as long as all parties are aware and agree. I assume from your post you were fully aware she was dating both of you and were happy with the situation?
Ironic that the other guy broke into her room, read her messages and then came out as the "good guy". Says a lot about her. Sounds like you have dodged a bullet. In your shoes I would draw a line under this and move on. You know you don't want to just be her friend. She has chosen the other guy. She may have "told" you she preferred sex with you but her actions show she prefers him over you.
Imagine if she had got pregnant while dating both of you at the same time. What a fun situation that could have been.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2020): In a nutshell you have some serious growing up to do.1. It's 50/50, you should have got rid of her as soon as you found out about this boyfriend.2. She has blocked you and made her choice very clear. Do not send her a gift, she will accuse you of stalking.3. Accept she is gone. If it was just sex for 4 months then so what? Find somebody else.Finally, get some self respect. If the show were on the other foot and you were a woman writing this you would be told exactly that - have some dignity and do not lower yourself to being used no matter what the price.She is a calculated woman and once het relationship falls apart (which it will - especially if she's supposedly been cheating the whole time he was with her) she will come running. Be firm and steer well clear.I have to question though whether this is just a boyfriend she picked up after meeting you - if I was in a 4 month relationship which is very fresh and I found the other half cheating, that would be the end, no ifs no buts.Are you sure they aren't a long term thing and she didn't just pick you up for a bit on the side?
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