A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20 and I've got this problem with boyfriends. I only had four of them when I was in HS. "Matthew" was a relative of a friend and he was nice, but he annoyed me because he would just show up at my house without calling first or else he would randomly show up when I was trying to hang out with my friends and then I'd end up stuck with him because my friends encouraged it. Then, of course, all he wanted to do was make out so I realized I didn't want a boyfriend."Mark" was a friend of a friend's boyfriend and we'd hang out in a group and it was cool, and he was funny and cute and I liked him and I liked how he explained things about guys that I didn't know at all. My friend (the girl) explained me things I was clueless about but they also kept making sure we were alone. "Mark" and I were hanging out once and I was being silly and having fun (OK, sort of slap-happy) and he said, "this is the horniest I've ever seen you." I was so mad!! I just said, "NO! I was just in a GOOD MOOD. 'was' being the operative word." He told me he thought he was my boyfriend and then he started being really mean to me. My friend dumped her boyfriend for being friends with him and said I came on too strong and needed to play hard-to-get. I hadn't wanted to be gotten! "Luke" was a guy I actually did like, but just to hang out with. we were all flirty and silly and he helped me with math. Basically, we were just friends who had crushes on each other. It was six months before we kissed but it was only a peck on the lips b/c he asked me to and I HATED dating him. I got to where I almost resented him b/c he was always around when I was trying to talk to friends or be alone and he just blurted out really weird things like, "Are you horny? Are you mad I asked? It's OK if you're not horny" or else he'd go on and on about six different ways to explain something when you asked ONE QUESTION and he'd get all confused when you asked something simple. It was spooky that he thought getting in the top 5% in the nation in math was the same reaction to watching a cat get squished by a car. He was WEIRD."John", I liked at first, but it was the same thing, we got along until everyone assumed we were dating and then he would get REALLY upset when I talked to other guys but he was really passive-aggressive about it. Like, he'd go up to us and just STARE until the guy went away and then he'd look at me and say, "ANYway." or he'd say stuff like, "Wow, you talk to other guys more than you do your own BOYFRIEND." He was always telling me when he was hard or grabbing himself or pinching my nipples through my shirt so hard I literally started crying and he'd get mad at me for crying because it was "annoying" and he'd get mad at me for talking because it was "annoying". Before, he had liked me.In college, it got worse:"Paul" seemed really nice, met me for coffee (I met him online) and was willing to meet up at places and let me go home on my own and pay my way. I finally got to where I could trust him and then when we went to his house a few times, he said that he thought it was 'cute' that I didn't know how to get back to my dorm and that he always took a different way home because some dumb ex girlfriend tried to stomp off mad and got lost. (I get lost easily, even in my small hometown). I felt bad for her and it made me mad too. I started to get out of the truck and he made it clear that he knew all this stuff about me and that it was 'cute' that I didn't figure it out. He was really big into performing oral (it HURT when he did it) and he actually shaved me once and said it was 'cute' that I didn't know you were supposed to do that. I finally broke up with him when my RA wanted to call the police because he kept coming over. "Timothy" was this guy I met at a party. I started flirting really hard, kinda teasing but not really (just his leg and his hair) but I told him I was drunk and was NOT staying the night but walking home. He pretty much stayed by my side and got upset when I was trying to talk to my friends or go to the bathroom alone or go outside because he wanted to "help me". My friends and I were going to walk home, but they asked HIM for a ride and then invited him to stay the night I was trying to get rid of him! He basically kept showing at my work or outside my classes and every free minute I had, he wanted me to go to the gym or he "surprised" me by taking me to get my nails/eyebrows done (I felt insulted and cried but felt I couldn't say no b/c it would be rude to the stylist). She even asked if I was OK and handed me a business card. Timothy found it before I got a chance to look and got mad that she'd written her name and "call me if you want to talk" b/c he thought I was cheating with her. Oh, and he made me go to the gym with him because he thought I needed to lose weight and he took me to a store b/c my clothes weren't sexy enough and he basically made me have sex with him and threatened to get me in trouble for smoking weed in the dorms. My friends were the ones who gave him that information on me and he found my parents' address and threatened to show them a sex video of us. I was only able to dump him when he had to go back to his home town for a big family drama."Titus and ..." nearly every guy after that just EXPECTS sex or blow jobs and I don't WANT TO! I tried saying I was a virgin, but they know better (somehow) and when I say I don't want to anymore, they say "You haven't found someone who treats you good" or "you haven't given it a fair chance" "He was just bad in bed" "Why, are you all religious now?" They pretty much get mad when I flirt or go on a few dates (now just in public and I meet them there WITH people watching from a distance) or actually get out of the car and start walking when they try to pull over and make out. They give me this, "OK, why did you agree to go for a drive/see a movie/come over here and hang out if you're planning to never have sex again? Why didn't you tell me that when you first met me? Why aren't you wearing a purity ring so guys will know?"Aren't there any gentlemen out there anymore? And why don't they just say, "If you want to have sex/get physical, let me know in advance so I can STEER CLEAR!?" Seems being a "born again virgin" isn't acceptable if you're not religious. and saying no to sex isn't OK if you've done it before.What's wrong with me?
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (23 July 2015):
 women are the gate keepers, you give it out easy a guy will take it, and expect it. your actions may even tell them you may putout. to get a gentlemen you will first need to play hard to get ,and find a different guy, and maybe from place than you have been hanging out. if you are hanging out with guys and giving into sex easy, what do you expect from them? to get a different type of guy you need to play hard to get, anything of value does not come easy. if you are giving sex to these guys, or if they are expecting it from you that should tell you why they are with you. once they get what they want, and they will find a new girl. have self respect look for a guy with character. don't give in to the jerks, find a nice guy. look for him in a different location than these jerks are hanging out at. maybe look at a church. to find a person of value you will have to maybe make changes to your self, and the places you are looking, and be looking for a different type of guy.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2015):
 Poor kids :). I agree that maybe true gentlemen are hard to come by, then again WHY young men your age should NOT want sex ??!
Sex is normal and natural, you can't blast people for wanting it and having it in mind. Nowadays it is assumed, that, banning special religous or medical reasons or whatnot, at some point a relationship between two consenting adult will involve sexual acts.
The key word is the " at some point ". You are the one who decides when this point will be, and yours is the responsibility to made it known loud and clear.
If a guy REALLY likes you, and if he his a semi decent human being, he won't have too many problems respecting your timelines. He will understand, or at least accept, that you want to wait until you develop strong feelings , or until you two are in a serious relationship, or etc.etc. As a matter of fact, you do not even have to give them a detailed explanation of the why . Just let it be known that you are not comfortable with sexual acts YET.
If he was only after sex, he will vanish on the spot ( doing you a big favour , because he is not the kind of guy you want ). If he is really interested, and, again, semi decent, he will show some patience and self restraint.
I am, once again, in agreement with Honeypie , sorry but to me it seems that at least a big part of the problem is YOU , not the guys. I think that you can't blame a guy for trying ( at this age ! )- as long as he can back off right away when you tell him: don't even go there pal.
But you have to tell him !
You don't want to give handjobs, but you do give handjobs - and then it's THEIR fault. You don't want to give blowjobs , you say yes to blowjobs- and then it's their fault. But darling OP, you don't HAVE TO say yes to everything you are asked !
If I come to you, and you don't know me from Adam, and I ask you a loan of 10.000 USD... will you just give them to me just because I asked ?!
I get you, your point is that they should not even ask, should not even try.
Perhaps you are right. Or perhaps not : since now it's normal for most people to have sex before marriage,( and outside of relationships too ) I guess thay expect it's up to YOU to speak up and say : no, not for me thanks !
Anyway, whether you are right or wrong, yes occasionally you are going to meet guys who will ...try their luck. That's not so terrible and unforgivable, all you've got to say is , no thanks, do not touch do not grope me do not kiss me. It becomes terrible and unforgivable if you make your stand neat and clear and they still try to force you and pressure you.
But, unluckily, from what you wrote, you sort of give them mixed signals- you do anything they want to please them and appease them- only to resent THEM later. Why ?
Loke the nail thing, that's almost incredible to me. Beside the fact that personally I'd be overjoyed if my partner wanted to offer me a nice manicure :), but, OK it's not your thing, you don't like to have your nails professionally done. Then tell him ! The poor guy wasn't try to control you and enslave you, he was trying to give you a gift, to make something nice for you ! If you'd like something dofferent that's Ok, but just let him know, what's there to cry about ??
Finally, it may be true that you have had bad luck and met a whole host of weirdos, but I also get the general feeling that you give off the wrong vibe, there's a very flirty, frilly, ditzy , klutzy vibe in how you describe your dealings with men. That could have worked for Doris Day or Lucille Ball in their rom-coms in the 50's, nowadays it only generates misunderstandings and mutual ill will.
You do not want to do anything romantic or dateish with men ? Fine, but then do not flirt . You only want platonc friends to hang out, not leading to anything else ? Perfect, but then do not get involved, and do not involve them, in anything other than clearly, strictly platonic. Nothing cozy or cuddly or flirty or touchy feely. Friends act like friends, not like suitors ( or suitor-esses).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 July 2015):
 I think it has a lot to do with maturity, not just in the boys you end up dating BUT in yourself. YOU need to be able to tell someone NO. YOU need to be able to set boundaries. And you need to use more common sense.
From your post it seems like you end up in a LOT of either uncomfortable or inappropriate situations. Like making a "sex tape" with someone you really don't care about that deeply. And who tries at every turn to manipulate you, blackmail and control you. Even the situation with getting your nails done, you are NOT offending the manicurist by saying:" my BF wants me to get my nails done but I don't." And to TELL that BF, it's a nice gesture that you want to offer me to get my nails done, but I AM perfectly happy with how they look. IF a guy gets upset or mad, CALL your parents or a friend and have them come pick you up.
So in my opinion, I think the biggest problem YOU have, is your inability to say no or no, thanks I'm not interested and to gauge a situation.
Saying NO to sex, if you don't want sex is DEFINITELY OK. Maybe guy think you should say yes to everything, but what it comes down to is what YOU want and do NOT want. You don't want sex, then YOU don't want sex. If he does... he will have to look elsewhere.
You don't have to wear a purity ring, a tattoo on your forehead or a T-shirt that says "I'm not looking for sex". Nor should you have to LIE about being a virgin, because that cat is out of the bag.
Many boys your age WILL presume that dating will lead to sex, specially if you are "handsy" and flirty, but YOU do not owe ANY of them sex. Not for taking you to the movies or a dinner or whatever. AND you don't OWE them an explanation WHY you don't want sex. My guess is you are getting a "reputation" because you can't say no. So guy want to "date" you in hopes that you will be an easy conquest.
You say why don't guys let me know in advance they WANT sex... it's actually the SAME as them saying... why didn't she tell me BEFOREHAND that she doesn't want sex. If I were you I would PRESUME that they want to date YOU (or any girl) because they HOPE for sex. The ones who ONLY care about sex will start to pressure you early on (2nd or 3rd date) before they even really know you. If they do NOT respect you saying - I'm NOT ready to have sex with you, they are NOT a keeper.
So if I were you, I'd back off dating for a while. Find your voice and learn to say no and no, thanks.
IT IS very OK for a girl (even with previous sexual experience) to say:" no, I don't want sex, I don't want to give hand jobs or blow job, be groped etc. I am taking a break from sex". YOU don't have to explain why.
You will find that at some point a guy will NOT pressure you for sex. He just want to get to know you. And he will understand that you aren't READY to have sex WITH him. HE will wait. THAT can be a keeper.
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A
female
reader, Anonny  +, writes (21 July 2015):
Yes - there are gentlemen left - but probably not the type you want to date. Most girls tend to go for 'Mr Popular' or 'Jack the lad' so being a 'gentleman' is rarely on their minds as it may make them seem less of a Jack the lad.
First of all - I would not let your friends dictate to you what you should and should not do with guys. If they keep trying to set you up - tell them you're NOT interested in that way or find a different group of friends!!l
Secondly don't hang round a guy by yourself, if you just want to be friends with him, it will lead him on if nothing else. Even at a young age - I always had an inner feeling whether a guy was just wanting to be friends or something more 'intimate'. So, if you are not wanting more than friendship - suggest to him that you want to go out with other friends as well, and go out as a group. Never invite him back to your room unless you know he is just a mate or things can get very messy.
Maybe it is the people you hang around with, or maybe you come across as over flirtatious. But I have never really had a problem distinguishing between guys who are just friends or want something more, so just hang back a little & if they come on strong - just move away. They'll soon take the hint.
Also if you do fancy them but want to go slow - just say you want to go slow & make it clear on the first or second date so that they know too!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): You really have had a string of weirdos and jerks from the sound of it. The world is full of them.
It will always SEEM like horny jerks make up most of the male population. But that is a misunderstanding of how the math works in the dating game. Less respectful and less choosy guys hit on more girls. A WHOLE LOT more. Several times more. And they get more aggressive physically when they are with girls.
The guys you probably want are not hitting on girls as often because they are choosier and not as aggressive. It makes them seem like they don't exist but that is a mistaken impression.
I do get the feeling you have been letting other people do some of your choosing for you (including the guys themselves sometimes). That is something you can change.
Sex:
Remember that guy who pushed you for sex, and got it? That is why those guys are pushy. When you gave in and slept with him you became another part of that problem, not the solution. The bottom line is he pushed and it worked. He was also being an asshole in the process but that isn't any problem as far as he's concerned.
Dont even worry about your long term views on sex and virginity and all that yet. You don't need to have it all figured out and you haven't even experienced a halfway decent guy yet.
BTW: Born-again-virginity is kind of pointless from the male POV because it's basically offering us the worst of both worlds. We don't get the "pure" girl and we don't get the fun of an "impure" one either. (Sorry to use such judgmental terms but you get the idea.) However this male viewpoint applies more to the girl who merrily sleeps with a whole bunch of guys and then pulls a "born again" than it does to someone like you.
Maturity:
Guys don't grow out of being sociopathic disrespectful jerks. Neither do girls. Nobody does.
Be careful about assuming guys will "grow out of it." There are millions of 15yo boys who treat girls with more respect & maturity than millions of other 25yo men. Don't fall into the maturity trap and put up with an asshole loser for years. You don't have to.
I think you know what to do. You just need to stand up for yourself and do it. You won't have to deal with these sexually assaulting nutcases if you draw the line with them HARD the first time they step too far. If that means you have to kick your way through 10 guys to get one decent dating prospect, well so be it. That is not so unusual.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): I'm in my 40s and find the men in my age group as immature as as you describe. In my experience very few men mature and are gentlemen like in days gone past like our grandfathers . Porn and the way society see women as only worth their youth and bodies no doubt contributes to their attitudes , sorry
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 July 2015):
 I'm assuming your definition of "gentlemen" is more mature than those described in your essay, as all those guys sound like adolesents going through hormone overload. Once a guy reaches about 25 or even 30 they finally realize that ther needs to be some moderation in their behavior. They can't just expect women to want to have sex. It suddenly dawns on them that civilization demands some modocom of politeness. Hopefully, you will see that inthe near future as yo begin tdate more matutre individuals. Best of luck.
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