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... Send *EM a private message | | | *EM's profile:I do think this site is a wonderful example of people helping people. I like the fact that you will get a variety of viewpoints in the answers here. It is then up to the poster to weigh them all when attempting to make an informed decision.
The questions I feel most qualified to answer are ones from adults ages 20 - 65. I feel too out of touch with teenage angst to be of much help, sorry to say.
If I feel I can be of help, I will provide an answer. I try to be as open minded and understanding as possible. What you will get from me is caring, constructive, advice, and occasionally a dash of wisdom from the school of hard knocks.
Here are my thoughts on some topics I discuss often:
Age Differences: Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule
How much older? How much younger? While you may enjoy the company of someone who is a lot older or younger than you, think hard about taking them as a life partner. There is an ancient rule called the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. It still works today. The older you get, the wider the age gap can be. It states: "if you halve your years then add seven, you'll have the youngest decent age for a partner; if you double your years then subtract seven, you'll have the oldest decent age for a partner.” For example, “30-year-old Jason waited for Zoe to turn 22, before he asked her out.” He knew she would be within the half-your-age-plus-seven year rule by then.
Contacting Old Flames
There are lots of ways to contact former first loves, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, husband and wives, today. If you are not in a committed relationship and you know the other person isn’t either, that’s okay. If either of you are in committed relationships, DO NOT DO IT. Sometimes these things start out innocently enough, but I can tell you from experience, 95% of these reconnections end very badly, and the other 5% create horrible collateral damage. The third party, the innocent husband or the wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, will be crushed. There was a reason you broke up with that person, or that person broke up with you, way back when. Sometimes people forget that when they are tripping down memory lane.
Dealing with a Broken Heart
When someone breaks up with you it hurts. Rejection always hurts. Expect to feel awful for a while. The amount of time it will take to get over the hurt depends on how much emotion and time you had invested in the relationship. Loss always takes time to grieve. How much time? Perhaps a minute or two for a lost piece of jewelry. Perhaps a year or two for a lost love. Some things you can do to help yourself:
*Change as much as you can change – Listen to new music. Go to new places. Rearrange your furniture. By new perfume, etc.
*Get some exercise – even if you don’t feel like it, get some fresh air.
*Spend time with people that lift you up. Avoid those that bring you down.
*Make new friends by pursuing your interests.
*Do not contact your ex or engage in revenge. You don’t want them to think you still care, do you?
*Living well is always the best revenge. Get on with your life and get happy again!
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I don't know how to overcome my fear of giving presentations.
Q. I've recently posted questions on here about doing presentations and some people gave some advice saying that I need to make sure that I am prepared and everything however I don't think this is the problem. Weeks before the presentation I get real...
A. 28 March 2011: Did you know that, after death, public speaking is the second greatest fear? You are not alone in feeling this way. Most people dread getting up before a group to give a presentation.
Do you know that just about everyone else in your class is... (read in full...)
4 and half years and now we are no longer a couple! Where did the love go?
Q. After four and a half years the love of my life told me that she no longer loves me. She said that she no longer wants to see me or hear from me again. The hardest part to accept of all this is the fact that just days before we were great. Actually ...
A. 28 March 2011: My heart goes out to you too. At your age four and a half years is a huge chunk of your life and it's got to leave a big hole. I also think she owes you an explanation. You don't plan a life together one week and say "have a nice life" the next. ... (read in full...)
He's only affectionate when he wants sex.
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for just more than 4 and a half years.we have been intimate from the begining and still are. The problem is that he only touch me if we are in bed or on our way to bed. Other times he'll only hold my hand. ...
A. 28 March 2011: This is something you need to bring to his attention. Women and men differ in this respect. He may not think anything is wrong. Sometimes it is difficult for men to show affection, because it inevitably turns them on, and then they want sex.
... (read in full...)
How will I take care of myself after my parents are gone?
Q. im an only child in my 30s and i cannot cope. im feeling so alone although i do have friends and a partner who i see sometimes but not much as its early days and we are both female so i do not have kids or even a job at the mo. i hate being an only ...
A. 28 March 2011: You are an only child, so it is up to you, but you can do it. Talk to your parents about becoming more independent. Ask them to teach you the things you fear you will not be able to handle once they are gone.
I'm sure your parents are just as ... (read in full...)
I think he's still in love with her and it hurts. He was upset that she got engaged.
Q. i am in a relationship with my best friend for 3 months now,but we know each other since 5th grade.he had a crush on a grl for 5 years,but recently that girl dumped him, but she was keeping him on the hook for a long time. recently he chanced upon ...
A. 28 March 2011: I know it must hurt that he has been carrying a torch for someone else all these years. As he is your great love, I imagine you think she was his. It is normal for you to feel hurt under the circumstances.
His old girlfriend is going to marry so... (read in full...)
I went too far with my friend at work and now I don't know how to fix it.
Q. i met A last year when i started a new job, we got along really well and a strong friendship formed, at the time i was involved with someone, i could tell A wanted more than friendship and tried to dissuade him but eventually i started to fall for ...
A. 28 March 2011: Well, these things do have consequences, as you are finding out. You made a mistake, and it's not something you can take back. What is done is done. I don't think you will be able to be friends with your co-worker after this, but you can regain the ... (read in full...)
I want my marriage back, but my feelings for the other woman are keeping me from rekindling my relationship with my wife.
Q. I really need some help on this one. In prior posts I spoke of how after a 6 year marriage and two kids, my marriage was failing due to a lack of intimacy, attraction and just all out togetherness. We never fought or argued, we just drifted apart. ...
A. 28 March 2011: I am not going to criticize your actions, because you have done enough of that to yourself. This is definitely one of the "learn the hard way" lessons.
Even though this woman was quite flawed, it appears you fell in love with her. Your relation... (read in full...)
Is posting this picture on Facebook disrespectful to me?
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for several months - we live an hour apart and spend weekends together, but I mostly don't see him during the week. Also, most of his close friends are girls, who he goes out drinking with on a regular basis. That being ...
A. 24 March 2011: What does he list as his relationship status? Is it assumed that the two of you have a mutually exclusive relationship? If so, then posting pictures of this nature is disrespectful and hurtful. You do need to talk to him about it, but you don'... (read in full...)
Should I contact my ex even though we have not spoken in 3 and a half years?
Q. I am wondering if I should contact my ex? (guy #2) We haven't spoken in 3 and a half years. He was not my first love but the guy I who made me fall really had for. He ended up breaking up with me after a month of dating when one of our fights ...
A. 24 March 2011: If you haven't seen him in a year and a half, it is quite possible that he has moved on. You can contact him, but don't be surprised if you are disappointed by the contact. He did come to see you two years after that big fight, but you didn't w... (read in full...)
How can I get on with life when it has come crashing down on me?
Q. Back in October of 2010 I started dating an incredible woman. She bought me tickets for Nickelback and we had a great time. The relationship blossomed into the best thing I ever had. Unfortunately though I was her first relationship after ending a ...
A. 24 March 2011: You sound like a real nice guy, perhaps too nice. You did nothing to deserve such treatment from this woman. I know you are hurt, but I wish you would be a little more angry. You invested a lot of time, money, and emotion in that relationship. Yo... (read in full...)
Two year relationship on the rocks, time to end it?
Q. Sorry about the long read; I need help. I've been in a relationship for nearly 2-1/2 years. I love my girlfriend, however, things between us have gotten pretty rough, and last night, she really upset me almost to the point of walking out. ...
A. 24 March 2011: Your girlfriend sounds rather immature. If you love someone you accept that, while they would love to give you all the things you want, it is not realistically possible.
You have made many major changes to please this woman. Do you feel she... (read in full...)
4 and half years and now we are no longer a couple! Where did the love go?
Q. After four and a half years the love of my life told me that she no longer loves me. She said that she no longer wants to see me or hear from me again. The hardest part to accept of all this is the fact that just days before we were great. Actually ...
A. 24 March 2011: After so much time it seems odd that she would suddenly break up with you. Usually, in a serious relationship, things are bad for a while leading to the breakup.
What I think is that the young lady is at a crossroad. She is finishing up her educ... (read in full...)
My wife lied and told me her previous marriage wasn't finalized after I had married her!
Q. Ok, now check this out. A year and a half ago, I got into a relationship. After she moved here, she began spending time with another man.....a "friend" as she put it. We got married, and 6 weeks into it, she comes to me with the story she has ...
A. 23 March 2011: You have asked if there are other women out there that have done this to a man. I have not, but I am giving you an answer because I am unsure that you will find anyone that has done this. It is simply not that easy to do, or get away with. When... (read in full...)
My boyfriend always teases me and I really don't think he's funny
Q. My bf always seems to have to do something to poke at me or to tear me down a little bit. He thinks I just don't get his sense of humor. As I am the butt of his inane, slightly bullying humor, I guess I don't find his humor sweet and cute, ...
A. 23 March 2011: No, this is not how grown men behave. This is how someone whose emotional growth has been arrested at the age of 11 or 12 behaves. Comparing his behavior to that of the boy that dips the girl's pigtails in ink was dead on. The behavior you hav... (read in full...)
Why does a guy act like this?
Q. The end of November I met a guy online from a neighboring state. He was 2 months away from his divorce being final and I was 1 month divorced. We were going to take it slow since all of this was new for us. But, we really hit it off. He wore his ...
A. 17 March 2011: Is it possible he doesn't want to get into a serious relationship since he is so newly divorced? A little gun-shy perhaps? In any case, his actions do not match his words. This would lead me to believe that he is being dishonest, or has something ... (read in full...)
Married and can't forget about this other man.
Q. I have strong feelings for a married man. I am also married. I just cannot seem to get him out of my head. I have had these feelings for him for about a year now. He feels the same way. The problem is it is affecting my marriage. I am at the poin...
A. 17 March 2011: You appear to have a bit of an obsession. It is taking you away from your real life. You are living in a fantasy world, where this other man is the hero. This fantasy is just a symptom of a larger problem. You must get to the hear of the larger ... (read in full...)
Threesome gone wrong.....
Q. Recently my girlfriend has been talking about a threesome with another girl and I wanted to let this happen because it was one of her fantasies. So by chance my birthday was last month and we final had our chance. She was not happy with the o...
A. 16 March 2011: The previous anonymous poster really has it right. I agree completely. People think these things can be casual and that there will be no emotional fallout. My personal opinion is that it is impossible to "share" someone you love with another. Your ... (read in full...)
I cant stand his flirting with other women anymore!
Q. my husband enjoys chatting texting and flirtung with other women. he is not sexually active with them. but he has been doing this from the time we were newly weds. what do i do. i cannot fight anymore for this relationship. the lies and deciets ...
A. 16 March 2011: It appears that you are emotionally distraught, and have been for some time but this situation. Did you bring this matter to his attention when it first started? I do not know how long this has been going on, but I can tell it has hurt you and ... (read in full...)
How long should I wait before I am sure that I have made the right decision to finally divorce my husband?
Q. I have asked my husband for a separation due to the fact that I was hurting so much as a result of his words and actions. We have been married for 13 years. He had 2 emotional affairs; 3 years into our marriage and another one 6 years thereafter. I ...
A. 16 March 2011: Divorce appears inevitable as you do not have it in your heart to work on it, and even if you did, he has said he will not go to counseling. I am not sure what divorce laws are like in your country. I don't know if there is a waiting period, or a ... (read in full...)
How can a stranger change you 100%? Has anyone ever felt this?
Q. I got a really corny yet real question to me that I want to ask for everyones opinion? Please let me know if anyone has ever felt this way. But before I can describe it I'll give you a backround BEAR WITH ME PLEASE I need ur ADVICE. Backround: ...
A. 15 March 2011: Sorry, I didn't realize what a profound effect this man had on you. You had a life altering experience. He seems to have touched off a personal revelation, and it looks like it will have far reaching effects on your life.
I did have a similar ... (read in full...)
How can a stranger change you 100%? Has anyone ever felt this?
Q. I got a really corny yet real question to me that I want to ask for everyones opinion? Please let me know if anyone has ever felt this way. But before I can describe it I'll give you a backround BEAR WITH ME PLEASE I need ur ADVICE. Backround: ...
A. 15 March 2011: It sounds as if you have a lot of critical, judgmental people in your life (your parents and boyfriend). This instructor was not like that. He listened to you, and offered you thoughtful, caring feedback. It seems to have had quite an effect on ... (read in full...)
How do I respond to a girl who is too forward?
Q. I've been working at a supermarket for 5 months now and one of the cashiers has recently been giving me a lot of attention. It started with random talks a few months back but more recently her efforts have been kicked up a notch. It started with a ...
A. 15 March 2011: This woman is trying to get to know you. If you are thinking you would like to date her, keep talking to her. Eventually something non-threatening will come up, and one of you will ask the other if you'd like to join them.
If you feel drained ... (read in full...)
I don't believe my married lover when she says she's not having sex
Q. I have been having an affair for almost 7 years now. I love her dearly and i think the feeleing is mutual. We have never committed to each other due to us both having kids. Mine is 5 and hers are above 18. She has 3. However Christmas 2009...
A. 14 March 2011: I am wondering why, after all this time, the thought of her having sex with her husband is bothering you. You saw her for a seven years. She must have been intimate with her husband the first five or six years you were having an affair.
Is th... (read in full...)
What do I do about my ex? He's really hurt me!
Q. What should I do about my ex boyfriend? please he's really hurt me:(? I was with him for 5months..everything was great then after 4months he started been weird and asked to go on a break and I said ok. He begged for me back and he asked for anot...
A. 14 March 2011: I think your ex really does want to be single, in that he does not want to have an exclusive relationship with anyone. That is what single people do. They date as many people as they want and do not make a commitment to anyone.
It appears ... (read in full...)
Hit a deep low in our relationship, but I just don't know what to do anymore
Q. Hi, I've been together with my girlfriend whom I love very much, for almost 3 years now, we're in a long distance relationship, and have a 5 year age difference. But lately it hasn't been going so well and over the weekend it got really bad. A b...
A. 14 March 2011: Is she trying to push you away? If not, she's doing a great job of it. Seriously, she has been insulting, mean spirited and emasculating. If this is the way she behaves online, I can just imagine what she is like in person.
I do not need any... (read in full...)
Crush on dad at daycare.
Q. I work at a daycare apart of a company. I've been there for about 2 1/2 years. I used to work in a toddler room called "Shining Butterflies" and there was a Dad there named Rick. I took care of his daughter and learned he was from Scotland and ...
A. 13 March 2011: Relax, no one can read your mind. When you blush and stammer around him, he might just think you are shy. Unless you have told him, he has no way of knowing how you really feel.
My advice is not to let on, even if you think his wife is a jerk. ... (read in full...)
I've really hurt my husband but don't want to lose him. Please help??
Q. I have really hurt my husband. It is so bad that I'm embarrassed to say what it is. I'm truly sorry and I would do anything to fix it. What can I do? I don't want to lose my husband. I'm scared. Please help....
A. 13 March 2011: I'll take a stab at it and guess that you violated your marriage vows in one way or another. As Vintage64 has said, it's tough to give advice on such limited info. However, if you hurt him you should apologize, ask forgiveness, and promise never ... (read in full...)
Married but think I'm still in love with my old high school girlfriend
Q. recently found my high school girlfriend, and i think i still love her. ( we dont remember why we broke up, and if we made it offical, we just seperated per family and friends wishes) she sought me out and we have been talking for a few months, we...
A. 13 March 2011: You should read up on lost lovers. This phenomenon is becoming more an more prevalent. Dr. Nancy Kalish has done a lot of research on the subject and published a book. She also has an site on the web and a forum.
Your situation is classic.... (read in full...)
My girlfriend lied about having stopped seeing her ex when we first started dating
Q. I've been with my girlfriend about 5 years, and we're considering marriage. When we first started going out it was obvious to me that she still had feelings for her prior boyfriend, but she told me the relationship was done. The topic didn't come up ...
A. 11 March 2011: No, I don't think you are making too much of this. Your girlfriend was not honest with you. Now you are questioning other aspects of your relationship. You wonder if she sincerely loves you. You wonder if she ever got over her ex.
I think it is no... (read in full...)
I messed up. I've changed, how do I show my ex I am different?
Q. This is a long story sorry..... I have made the worst mess of my life. I've been with a girl 4 years she is now 34, the last year I moved to a different country to be with her, I stayed at her place where she lives with her sister, only tem...
A. 11 March 2011: Your girlfriend is afraid to take you back. Your behavior had changed so dramatically, I think she is finding it to believe you are sincere. She may fear that if she takes you back you will revert to your old behavior.
You will have to convince... (read in full...)
Happily married with kids, yet having obsessive feelings for my ex. How do I deal with this?
Q. I'm married with two kids. About one year ago i saw my ex and ever since i have been thinking of him. Now recently he has become an obsession to me, though i am the one who left him. I'm happily married and do love my husband but at the same time i ...
A. 11 March 2011: Even thought you are happily married and love your husband there must be something missing in your marriage or your family life that has you thinking about your ex. You are using this obsessive thinking to escape whatever the real problem is. Try ... (read in full...)
My much younger wife cheated, left me remarried and I still can't get over her!
Q. I'm well established businessman and very well off . 11 year ago I got involved with a young girl 16 years younger to me. First it was like an affair as I was married but then she was openly known to everybody as my wife. 5 years ago I married her ...
A. 10 March 2011: You may be correct. You may be addicted to her in a sense. Being with her was exciting. It probably unleashed a lot of feel good chemicals in your brain. She is gone now and I believe what you are experiencing is a form of withdrawal.
One l... (read in full...)
Does my boyfriend only get on with women and why?
Q. Is he making an idiot out of me or not? My boyfriend is coming across like a guy who just doesant get on with guys. But with everything that's happened I wonder why? -is it because they can be flirted with and therefore its easier to get what he ...
A. 10 March 2011: So, he's a ladies man. It does appear that he is threatened by men. I think you are correct, in that he feels it is easy to get what he wants, or get more than he deserves, by flirting with women. It's okay for him to have these relationships with ... (read in full...)
How do I keep our marriage together when we are moving apart?
Q. My wife and I have tried for almost 10 years to start a family. We have gone thru failed adoptions, miscarriages, surgeries, and more procedures than I ever knew existed. We have depleted all of our savings and now have started going in debt trying ...
A. 10 March 2011: Financial trouble is the most common reason for having marital problems. You need to talk about it. I know this is difficult when there are arguments. It is not uncommon for one or both parties to shut down when they cannot come to an agreement. ... (read in full...)
How do I move on from this drug-addicted narcissist who now is expecting a baby with his new gf, the one he cheated on me with? Help!
Q. I had been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs and we have now been apart 2 yrs. He started seeing someone else when I became more independent and my mom was dying. Anyway, he is still with the woman he cheated on me with. I know he is a drug-addicted na...
A. 10 March 2011: I'm not sure how what kind of advice to give you. You pose questions, but then you answer them yourself. You know full well what is going on in your situation and you are seeing a mental health professional to boot. What more can we here add?
... (read in full...)
Getting involved with married colleague??
Q. Hi, this is the first time I have used a forum for advice. I know a lot of people will judge me negatively but all constructive comments are really appreciated. I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 6 months. I love him very mu...
A. 10 March 2011: Honey, you have to choose. It's either your marriage or being single again. I wouldn't count on the married guy being there if you get divorced, as you don't know if he wants out of his marriage.
Also, wanting out and getting out are two differen... (read in full...)
So sad... How do I mend my broken heart?
Q. How do I mend my broken heart? my husband left me 3 weeks ago for another woman he has been seeing on and off for years. will their relationship last i so want to see it spiral down the toilet. i can't sleep or eat my whole world has ended. i feel ...
A. 10 March 2011: I'm glad you posted an update. You know we can't tell you what to do. I do think it is unfair of him to keep you dangling like this when he knows how torn up inside you are.
Why did he have this change of heart? Are things not working out with... (read in full...)
I've never felt the connection like I did with my online guy
Q. About 3 yrs ago i got talking to a guy on a social networking site, i did not know what he looked like or anything about him, but instantly liked hes personality and i was kind of drawn to him, i can`t really explain how, nothing ever happened ...
A. 9 March 2011: Well, there isn't much to go on here, so I will make a couple of observations. Sometimes we create a fantasy around a relationship such as you have with the online guy.
Although it was just an online relationship, in your head and heart it... (read in full...)
She lied to me and I was completely honest with her!
Q. Hello everyone, I just need some help and advice. I am m27 engaged to someone I truly love and adore f21. Both of us know each other for last 8 months. I cleared and said everything about my past and she did the same as well. Now 3 days back, i...
A. 9 March 2011: Did she actually lie to you or just leave out the fact that she had an emotional affair and engaged in drinking? If these things occurred before she met you, she might not think they are worth mentioning.
I'm not really sure what is wrong ab... (read in full...)
Stuck in between friendship and relationship
Q. hello :-) Hope you can all help me , i'm really unsure of what to do. This guy is my best friend, we met 2 years ago and in the beginning had a sexual relationship which gradually turned into non sexual and friends. This was mainly due to hi...
A. 9 March 2011: I see this situation one of two ways. I'm not sure which is correct, so I might not be of much help to you. One involves taking what he says a face value and the other involves looking deeper into your relationship.
If you take what he has said... (read in full...)
Intense urge to have extra-marital affairs!!
Q. I don't have a great history with females. I have lacked confidence and have only had a sexual relationship with one woman. So far, I feel like I have missed out on this aspect of life. However, for the first time in my life, I feel more confident ...
A. 9 March 2011: I understand your dilemma, but an extramarital affair is not the answer. Affairs are not simple things, they ruin lives, and at this point in your life, with a wife and four children, you have a lot at stake.
It is not unusual to feel this way... (read in full...)
Getting involved with married colleague??
Q. Hi, this is the first time I have used a forum for advice. I know a lot of people will judge me negatively but all constructive comments are really appreciated. I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 6 months. I love him very mu...
A. 8 March 2011: I'd say you already are involved with him. What do you want to know? If it is possible to have your cake and eat it too, and if so, for how long? An office affair is a ticking time bomb.
You know the dangers involved. You could get caught, ... (read in full...)
So sad... How do I mend my broken heart?
Q. How do I mend my broken heart? my husband left me 3 weeks ago for another woman he has been seeing on and off for years. will their relationship last i so want to see it spiral down the toilet. i can't sleep or eat my whole world has ended. i feel ...
A. 8 February 2011: That happened to me too. The woman he left me for was 13 years older than me as well. I was heartbroken and cried every day for a year. So, I know how hurt you are right now, and I am sorry.
You will feel awful for some time. You must accept t... (read in full...)
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