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... Send *EM a private message | | | *EM's profile:I do think this site is a wonderful example of people helping people. I like the fact that you will get a variety of viewpoints in the answers here. It is then up to the poster to weigh them all when attempting to make an informed decision.
The questions I feel most qualified to answer are ones from adults ages 20 - 65. I feel too out of touch with teenage angst to be of much help, sorry to say.
If I feel I can be of help, I will provide an answer. I try to be as open minded and understanding as possible. What you will get from me is caring, constructive, advice, and occasionally a dash of wisdom from the school of hard knocks.
Here are my thoughts on some topics I discuss often:
Age Differences: Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule
How much older? How much younger? While you may enjoy the company of someone who is a lot older or younger than you, think hard about taking them as a life partner. There is an ancient rule called the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. It still works today. The older you get, the wider the age gap can be. It states: "if you halve your years then add seven, you'll have the youngest decent age for a partner; if you double your years then subtract seven, you'll have the oldest decent age for a partner.” For example, “30-year-old Jason waited for Zoe to turn 22, before he asked her out.” He knew she would be within the half-your-age-plus-seven year rule by then.
Contacting Old Flames
There are lots of ways to contact former first loves, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, husband and wives, today. If you are not in a committed relationship and you know the other person isn’t either, that’s okay. If either of you are in committed relationships, DO NOT DO IT. Sometimes these things start out innocently enough, but I can tell you from experience, 95% of these reconnections end very badly, and the other 5% create horrible collateral damage. The third party, the innocent husband or the wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, will be crushed. There was a reason you broke up with that person, or that person broke up with you, way back when. Sometimes people forget that when they are tripping down memory lane.
Dealing with a Broken Heart
When someone breaks up with you it hurts. Rejection always hurts. Expect to feel awful for a while. The amount of time it will take to get over the hurt depends on how much emotion and time you had invested in the relationship. Loss always takes time to grieve. How much time? Perhaps a minute or two for a lost piece of jewelry. Perhaps a year or two for a lost love. Some things you can do to help yourself:
*Change as much as you can change – Listen to new music. Go to new places. Rearrange your furniture. By new perfume, etc.
*Get some exercise – even if you don’t feel like it, get some fresh air.
*Spend time with people that lift you up. Avoid those that bring you down.
*Make new friends by pursuing your interests.
*Do not contact your ex or engage in revenge. You don’t want them to think you still care, do you?
*Living well is always the best revenge. Get on with your life and get happy again!
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So sad... How do I mend my broken heart?
Q. How do I mend my broken heart? my husband left me 3 weeks ago for another woman he has been seeing on and off for years. will their relationship last i so want to see it spiral down the toilet. i can't sleep or eat my whole world has ended. i feel ...
A. 10 March 2011: I'm glad you posted an update. You know we can't tell you what to do. I do think it is unfair of him to keep you dangling like this when he knows how torn up inside you are.
Why did he have this change of heart? Are things not working out with... (read in full...)
We're on a break, the no contact is driving me nuts
Q. My girlfriend and i have been dating now for almost 3 years we have an apt together and just recently she said she cant handle me not making her happy.. so we are taking a break and i thought she didnt love me anymore but i went over there and all ...
A. 28 February 2011: Have you tried to email her? If you sent her a letter telling her how you feel, she might give you another chance.... (read in full...)
I'm fed up of feeling sorry for myself, but cant seem to forget about him! Help!
Q. This isn't a question. I am just going through a difficult patch and was wondering if anyone had any advice. I fell in love with a guy towards the end of last year (October/November time). He made it very clear that he didn't want anything se...
A. 28 February 2011: Even though he told you up front that he didn't want anything serious, you fell in love with him. You can't stop thinking about him because you are grieving the loss of what might have been. That is a legitimate loss. It sounds like, to you, he ... (read in full...)
My partner only stayed with me because I begged him to! What should I do now?
Q. hi i have a problem, i am 52 years old my so called partner is only with me as i begged him not to leave me we dont live together. we have a 14 year old son so our whole relationship is based around him. if i ask my partner anything he will always ...
A. 28 February 2011: It sounds like he has broken up with you, even though you begged him not to. After so much time, and a child, he owes you an explanation as to why. Unfortunately, you can't force him to tell you why, but you can ask. I do agree with the y... (read in full...)
My girlfriend helps when things are rough financially, why cant I count on my wife?
Q. I am a very frustrated husband. I may be the big reason for all of my problems because I am married and have a girlfriend that my wife does not know that I am still seeing. I met my girlfriend while driving over the road as a truck driver and she ...
A. 28 February 2011: This is a very confusing post, as there are two separate issues. I am not sure how, or if, one affects the other. If you leave the GF totally out of the equation, then yes, your wife should be chipping in during your time of financial struggle.
... (read in full...)
We're on a break, the no contact is driving me nuts
Q. My girlfriend and i have been dating now for almost 3 years we have an apt together and just recently she said she cant handle me not making her happy.. so we are taking a break and i thought she didnt love me anymore but i went over there and all ...
A. 26 February 2011: Why don't you let her read what you have written here? You are expressing your love for her very well. If you can write so strongly about your feelings for her in this post, I am unsure why you cannot show her in person.
If she has all your pic... (read in full...)
My boyfriend has transcended into a higher being, and dumped me!
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and 1/2 years. We have been through sooo much together to develop this great relationship. In the beginning, we struggled because I was in the middle of another relationship. After that relationship ...
A. 25 February 2011: Don't let him control your life with a "Let's talk in a month and see where we're at." You must assert yourself. I agree with mishmash. He is keeping you on the back burner in case things don't work out. This man will never give you the kind of ... (read in full...)
What do I do about this flirting woman?
Q. If a woman flirts with you all the time at your place and then at her place she she keeps it going, i wonder how far i can go without messing it up, knowing that ive been here before without success?...
A. 25 February 2011: It means she is romantically interested in you. At some point you will have to take the risk and make an advance. I don't think she is going to make the first move. I know you are a little gun shy because things haven't gone well for you in the ... (read in full...)
Will our relationship ever get back on track?
Q. I am dating this guy that is 38 and i am 26 he has two wonderful children. He is going through a divorce. He has now been separated for 1 year 2 months. I love him very much. We have been togather for 1 year and 2 months. I have met his kids his ...
A. 25 February 2011: I'm wondering why, after living with him for over a year, you had to move out so "he could get things done." I don't know what that means. It's an odd situation. Did he explain what was happening in your relationship when he asked you to move ... (read in full...)
She hasn't talked to me in 2 days, was I out of line?
Q. So I have been dating this for a bit over 2 months now and everything has been great. We see each other usually each weekend and whenever possible a time or 2 during the week. The other day we had a bit of a spat, it really wasn't huge, just about ...
A. 25 February 2011: If she is giving you the silent treatment this early in the game, it doesn't bode well if what you want is a long term relationship.... (read in full...)
My boyfriend has transcended into a higher being, and dumped me!
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and 1/2 years. We have been through sooo much together to develop this great relationship. In the beginning, we struggled because I was in the middle of another relationship. After that relationship ...
A. 25 February 2011: I have a different take on this situation. I am not a mental health professional but anyone that tries suicide twice, and changes his mood at the drop of a hat, has severe mental problems in my book.
The things he is telling you don't make muc... (read in full...)
Husband cheated with multiple women...I am struggling and need input.
Q. I found out almost 2 years ago my husband was on internet dating sites behind my back for 6 years and met with some of the women for sex. I am having a difficult time still trying to get past this. I've been to marriage counselling, personal ...
A. 25 February 2011: I believe your husband would like to have his cake and eat it too. That is, he'd like the convenience of a wife, but also the option of behaving as if he is not married. He got away with it for many years before you caught on. My opinion is that ... (read in full...)
I love him but I need to let go, what should I do?
Q. My boyfriend asked me for child and I told him I'm not ready for that. He went and got another girl pregnant that he said he was talking to but I assumed they are still together, I confronted both of them on three way for the man to choose he ...
A. 24 February 2011: This is an impossible situation for you. You will never have the kind of relationship you desire with this man. It will always be a heartache because he has fathered a child with another woman and nothing will ever change that. She is in his life ... (read in full...)
Once I fell pregnant to him he told me he was already MARRIED!!!
Q. I'm 23 yrs. old. I have met a guy last year at a club. After a week of dating, we agreed to have a commitment. At first I agreed to it just for fun then I realized I am falling for him. After 2 months of dating, I found out I am pregnant with his ...
A. 24 February 2011: That was a pretty big lie - he dated you for two months and never mentioned that he was married? He wants you to abort so that you don't mess up HIS life, but he's messed yours up plenty. He probably doesn't want his wife to find out about you and ... (read in full...)
How should I interpret his actions, should I distance myself?
Q. Am I thinking too much or I should start distancing myself from this superior of mine in my work place? I think we are quite close and very good friends. But I am not sure if he just treats me like a friend or or something more.. We are in the sa...
A. 19 February 2011: In all of this you say a lot about how caringly he treats you, but you never say how you feel about him. Reading this objectively, I would say the man has romantic feelings for you. Are these feelings reciprocated?
It's usually not a good ide... (read in full...)
What to think about my boyfriend's female-friend?
Q. My bf and I had just gotten to our 5 months when he had an emotional affair with a new female friend. Now all I ask is if he could tell me when he goes out with friends and I would do the same. Well during that whole period I found out he went wit...
A. 19 February 2011: This is an odd situation. I would feel weird about it too. It sounds as if your BF met his friend's grandmother and they really hit it off. If he is calling her 'grandmother' I assume she made quite an impression on him.
Some grandmot... (read in full...)
Getting over my ex and the fact that she has a new boyfriend
Q. My ex-girlfriend is dating someone new, and the new guy just happens to be her ex boyfriend from college. I wouldn't think this would bother me since our relationship ended 6 months ago, but it is. I knew we were having problems for the 3 years or ...
A. 19 February 2011: In time your broken heart will heal. In three years you can have a lot of emotion invested in a relationship. You will get over her, but it won't happen overnight, and it won't happen at all if you remain fwb with her. That is just rubbing salt in ... (read in full...)
She dumped me all of the sudden, I'm not sure what to believe!
Q. My fiance had cheated on her husband and divorced. She still says the ex is her soul-mate. AFTER WE WERE ENGAGED! All the sudden she said we were through. She wants no contact anymore. Just 2 days prior we had sex and fun. But she couldn't sleep ...
A. 19 February 2011: I agree with Denise, that gave you a short, sweet, and very much to the point, response. To put it another way - guess what you end up with when you settle for a woman who is cheating on another man to be with you? You end up with a cheater.
... (read in full...)
I'm so lost and confused without her, will she ever come back?
Q. I had a fight with my girlfriend because I suspected she was cheating on me with several men and I put her out of the house. Then she called me saying that she loves me very much, wants me back and wishes to marry me. But I traced this phone call a...
A. 19 February 2011: I am sorry you still have such strong feelings for this woman. The truth is that, even if you do get back together, the relationship will be forever changed. You will never trust her.
It is obvious that she got upset when you called her a slut. ... (read in full...)
Should I stay with my older girlfriend? Or should I break up with her and go for the other girl?
Q. Hi, I really need help with an issue that I suppose has been going on for a while now. The answer may be really easy but I just don't know what to do. I have been in a relationship with an older woman for the last 3 years. She is 12 years older t...
A. 16 February 2011: Usually I can answer questions here objectively, but I am afraid I am biased on this one, so take my answer with a grain of salt. First of all, you are not a horrible person. You might be if you were married to this woman and cheating on her, but ... (read in full...)
Do I tell my fiance that I had an affair and the baby may or may not be his?
Q. I have been with my fiancé for 4 years and we are to be married June. We have a great relationship but I recently made a mistake and had a brief sexual relationship with a co-worker. It was over the span of 2 weeks, and it actually brought me closer ...
A. 15 February 2011: My personal opinion is "no" you should not tell your fiance about this dalliance with the coworker. Listening to just what you have presented here, it seems more likely than not that the father is your fiance.
But guilt is a powerful emotion.... (read in full...)
29 days of no contact and I miss him so much!
Q. I am 28 year old female and have been dating my 35 year old boyfriend for 10 months. Our relationship was rosey the first 4 months. I met all his family and he met mine, i know all his friends and he knows mine, he even said that I was the one that ...
A. 15 February 2011: You two have done a lot of damage to each other. You will have to overcome all of this in order for it to ever work out. There is a lot of anger and resentment that will have to be worked through.
Those were some drastic actions - on both par... (read in full...)
I proposed to my friend but she politely declined!
Q. so it began in october. the girl in my college asked for my no. and we started talking nicely. she had a boyfriend from last 4years and she loves him. they broke up soon after i started talking but were in touch daily. she always gave me signals ...
A. 15 February 2011: I'm not sure what it is that you would be playing along with. You would continue to play along at being her friend? After she shot down your marriage proposal?
You can't be friends with someone for whom you have romantic feelings. It hurts wh... (read in full...)
How should I tell my ex that I have accepted the break up?
Q. After finding an article in this website and seeing how good the advices are, I decided to ask for an opinion before I contact my ex. I'll try to sum it up as much as I can. I met this guy on the internet who was living with the mother of his ch...
A. 15 February 2011: I have to disagree with you here. I don't think you are over the breakup. Even though it was a short relationship, you took the breakup pretty hard because you had fallen in love with this guy. He had all the responsibility he needed and wasn'... (read in full...)
If I insist that my daughter complete her Scholarship studies against her will, will this damage her and her mental health long term, or will it teach her to become stronger and more resilient for her future years?
Q. Hi readers. My daughter won a Scolarship at the Catholic Agricultural School in Bindoon. She has been there for 2 weeks and wants to come home already. She says that she is trying to stick it out but she wants to know that if she wants to that sh...
A. 15 February 2011: Do you know why she is unhappy? How unhappy is she? The reason I ask is because you must determine whether or not she is so unhappy, she is a potential danger to herself. It does not sound this way, as you have objective reports from the ... (read in full...)
She wants to go back to a guy who has spurned her 4 times!
Q. How do resolve an issue when the girl I was seeing wants to go back to a guy who has spurned her 4 times previously (that's how we met) The guy owns the home she rents and she says it's complicated. I offer to move her out but she is hesitant and ...
A. 15 February 2011: The heart wants what the heart wants. You cannot change her mind. She must come to the realization that you are the better choice. If she does not, it is her loss, but it is also her choice. IMHO, the best thing you can do is back off a bit. If ... (read in full...)
Why am I so worried about moving in with him?
Q. So I'm all set to move in with my boyfriend next week. We signed the lease tonight, for a year, and we're handing it over to the real estate agent on monday. Doesn't a year seem like a long time? We've been together 11 months - and while that's been ...
A. 11 February 2011: It seems you don't have a lot of faith in relationships. Are you a product of divorced parents? Have you seen more relationships fail than succeed in your life?
Your boyfriends feels more sure, but there is always risk. No relationship is 100% ... (read in full...)
This doesn't feel like a relationship to me, have I got me a player?
Q. I am 19 and have being seeing someone since November. he is 7 years older than me. We live in the same area in fact really close. I only see him when he wants to see me. He txts me everyday and asking how i am, but if i text him it takes him hours ...
A. 11 February 2011: Your instincts are correct. These short dates, and only when he is available, most likely mean your relationship is not exclusive. If he has led you to believe otherwise, then he is not being honest with you.
If he has not told you the rela... (read in full...)
How can I reconnect with my husband when he is constantly distant with me?
Q. My Husband and I are trying to work thruough our problem and fix our marriage. He has stopped doing the one thing that made me distrust him and I am slowly starting to trust him again. Actually feel like I trust him 50% more than I did 2 months a...
A. 11 February 2011: My suggestion is to write him a letter - email him. Take some time to compose your thoughts. He needs to know that the relationship lacks intimacy. That you feel distant from him and that his behavoir is not helping matters.
Trusting 50% is n... (read in full...)
I found out my partner has HIV. What can I do? Please help!
Q. I’m a single mum of 2. I met this partner online and he sounded like a good guy on the phone. 2 months into emails and phone calls we decided to meet. By the way, it’s a long distance relationship. He separated from his wife 2 years ago and they ...
A. 11 February 2011: OH, this is a tough one. He sounds like a nice guy, but he wasn't honest about the fact that he had HIV, so...how honest is he, really? He he was being treated for it he knew he had it. You know the pill (which he tried to hide) proves this.
... (read in full...)
Should I try to move on and forgive?
Q. I met him during my divorce and his divorce.We both have 2 kids from our marriages.We got serious immeditately.He moved us in after 6 months.Sex was constant and phenominal.Our kids got along fabulously.Then he found FaceBook and old crushes and new ...
A. 11 February 2011: Wow. This is a stormy relationship. If you are prepared for that kind of drama, nonstop, well then forgive him. However, past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior. Is this the life you want?
I am not a mental health professi... (read in full...)
After 21 years of marriage my wife wants out
Q. Four days ago my wife told me she wants out of our 21 year marrige. Said she has not loved me that way in over a year but tried to make it work. She said it is all her, not me. She will not talk to a professional or even our pastor about this. She ...
A. 9 February 2011: After 21 years she owes you an explanation. She doesn't want to try to work it out through marriage counseling, because he's reached a stage of apathy. I think that's what you mean by "hollow."
What she is doing right now is called "stonewa... (read in full...)
How do we work on this?
Q. I've never done anything quite like this before, but I'm going to give it a shot. I've been with the same guy for almost four years now. For most of our relationship, things have been wonderful. We have similar interests, similar goals/wants in l...
A. 8 February 2011: It sounds like his pot smoking is putting distance between you. He wants to smoke most of the time he is at home? When he is stoned he is apathetic? If you accept this behavoir over time you will grow to resent him.
When he gets high he is ba... (read in full...)
Got boyfriend but planning on sleeping with a married man!
Q. I live with my boyfriend, we have been together for 2 years! i met a young newly married man who is making passes at me! i now have strong feelings for him, and we are now planing on taking it to the next level'(sex). am so confusd! should i give ...
A. 8 February 2011: This "fling" will not be worth it in the long run. Affairs are not something you do for fun. There is much risk involved. How would you like his new wife to call up your boyfriend? Sound like fun? If you had any sense you would turn away from ... (read in full...)
So sad... How do I mend my broken heart?
Q. How do I mend my broken heart? my husband left me 3 weeks ago for another woman he has been seeing on and off for years. will their relationship last i so want to see it spiral down the toilet. i can't sleep or eat my whole world has ended. i feel ...
A. 8 February 2011: That happened to me too. The woman he left me for was 13 years older than me as well. I was heartbroken and cried every day for a year. So, I know how hurt you are right now, and I am sorry.
You will feel awful for some time. You must accept t... (read in full...)
Will I ever be able to enter a future relationship and not feel weird about it... or should I just avoid men?
Q. Okay... I'm haunted by a question - if you can call it that. In 2009, I had a relationship that went... bad. Before the relationship went bad, it was a committed relationship that went strong for 2 1/2 years, and we were friends for almost 5 yea...
A. 8 February 2011: There could be a few things going on here:
1) Even though it's been two years, you still haven't gotten over the major breakup.
2) You have depression and that is going untreated
3) You are gun-shy and don't want to set yourself up for ... (read in full...)
My husband lies to me constantly!!!
Q. My husband lies to me constantly. I am sick and tired of accepting his lies because he does love me. I am sure of that. I can't stand a liar. He lies to me because he doesn't want me to get mad at him. I am to the point that I feel it is necessary ...
A. 8 February 2011: What is it he doesn't want you to get mad about? Is the reason you get so angry because you make plans based on the information he gives you? Once you learn that things are not as he says they are you have to change your plans?
You need to ... (read in full...)
What did I do wrong? He's playing happy families. But not with me
Q. Okay here I go... Please understand I am judging only my ex and his mistress in this, but I am trying to make sense of this all. I found out my (now ex) was cheating on me (for 4 1/2 months, confirmed by her). He ended up transferring back and moved ...
A. 7 February 2011: This certainly doesn't seem right or fair. After reading what you have written here, I am stumped too. You said he went to H.S. with her. Were they romantically involved at that time? Is it possible there is a comfort level with her because they ... (read in full...)
Desperate for help!
Q. Hi. I really don't know where to start but I really need some help. Desperately. I am 33-year old female and have been in a relationship with a very nice man for about 20 months, however, my mental health problems are making a relationship close to ...
A. 7 February 2011: Well, you have it together enough to post a well written question. You express yourself very well. You seem intelligent and knowledgeable. Depression was once called "the great masquerader" because it can present itself in so many ways. Ther... (read in full...)
He played me for a fool!
Q. Hello, Here is my story in very short version. We met at work 3 (years ago) still work together. We never really dated, but where close (a least what I thought) there is an age difference between us 10 years; he is younger 30 I’m 40. We where ...
A. 7 February 2011: I'm very sorry for your pain and that this jerk took such advantage of you. In the three years you were seeing him, he never took you out in public or back to his house. That's a long time.
My suspicion is that he lives with someone. I think ... (read in full...)
Why does an ex still get jealous and act possesive?
Q. Hi All, Just a quick question. My ex ended the relationship some time back - but he still gets jealous and acts possesive with me. eg: wants to know why I did'nt call straight back, still texts and calls every couple of weks, still acts possesive It ...
A. 7 February 2011: Since he is your ex, you owe him no explanation. He has no right to be possessive, and you should tell him so. Why does he do it? Because you let him. It is the cake-and-eat-it-too syndrome. He is no longer with you but he still wants to be able ... (read in full...)
Is he still in a relationship with his ex?
Q. My partner and ex split over 1 year ago, they have a young child, however on our 1st christmas and new years eve he spent with his ex telling me its cos of their son, although their son stayed with his grandparents on those nights. my head is ...
A. 7 February 2011: I think your intuition is correct. You need to confront him on this issue. Either way, it appears he is cheating...someone.... (read in full...)
Is she really upset or wants me to know it's over or is she thinking about me?
Q. I was with a girl on and off for 7 years. We did have some good times but also argued a lot. Most of the arguments lately have been about me moving in. She lives about an hour and a half from me. I kept telling her when i get my finances ...
A. 6 February 2011: You have quite a long history with this woman. It's a very stormy relationship, and to be honest, she sounds mentally unstable. Calling the police to have them tell you to leave her alone is rather extreme, wouldn't you say?
It may be she does... (read in full...)
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