A
male
age
36-40,
*guy123
writes:Hello everyone,I just need some help and advice. I am m27 engaged to someone I truly love and adore f21.Both of us know each other for last 8 months. I cleared and said everything about my past and she did the same as well. Now 3 days back, it came to my knowledge that she had an emotional affair and indulged in drinking. This does not bother me, because I know it is in the past and it was before me. But what bothers me, is that she lied to me and I was completely honest with her. Both of us have agreed to be honest with each other from now on, but this still bothers and hurts me. What should I do? Am I overreacting?
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female
reader, lemonyliz +, writes (10 March 2011):
That doesn't sound like an emotional affair to me, and since she is of legal drinking age, I'm a little confused as to what the big deal is. Again, if you have different standards in regards to drinking then maybe it is a big deal to you, but in general drinking one time, is such a small issue in the grand scheme of things. If she started doing it regularly and its against your mutual beliefs than I might be more concerned, but she is an adult, you need to let her make decisions for herself and respect those decisions.
in regards to the emotional affair, was it during your 8 month relationship? I assume it would have to be since you are her first boy friend. If this happened near the beginning of your relationship (and since your relationship has not been a horribly long one, i would say that could be the first half of it) I would say it is absolutely nothing and you should let it go. If this happened recently and their chatting crossed a boundary (like leading to sexual type chatting, sending images, or talking about breaking up with you to be with him) then that is a different story and you should sort things out.
Again, marriage seems rushed. 8 months is not very long, especially considering that both of you are fairly new to the dating/relationship world.
A
male
reader, wguy123 +, writes (10 March 2011):
wguy123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni want to thank everyone here. i had no one to talk about it and i had it just bottled up inside me. Each one of your response is well articulated, so thank you so much again for taking time off to reply to me and letting me calm down.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 March 2011):
 It's not an emotional affair unless she's cheating on a boyfriend or the person she was having the relationship with was cheating on someone.
The fact that she was interested in someone and they chatted doesn't make a relationship. It's not a "past relationship" if it didn't go anywhere beyond the interest phase. Surely you didn't tell her about every crush you've ever had with anyone?
Also, the drinking. Is it a religious thing that the idea of drinking is a big issue? If not, then who cares if she drank or not?
However, That being said, I don't think she should have lied to you about having never touched alcohol if she had. That would bother me, because our ideas about someone are shaped by who they are, and if they have misrepresented who they are, that would be a bit disconcerting.
In truth, there's nothing wrong with either of these things. Drinking is perfectly legal, and she's allowed to have any sort of past relationship she wanted.
This is precisely why people shouldn't rush to marriage. It takes quite a bit of time to really get to know someone.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (9 March 2011):
 If I were you, I would slow down off the marriage track. How much do you really know about this woman after 8 months, especially considering recent events? I would think you would still be in the honeymoon phase. Have you ever lived with her? Do you believe that you have compatible values and similar life goals? True colors come out only over time, and a lot of times, people want to be liked in the beginning so they will try to make themselves out in the best possible light. Until you two develop full trust will these guards and true personalities come out. I would give it at least another year before deciding you're spending the next 60+ years with someone you've known several months.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): I doubt that she did this on purpose. I remember that my boyfriend once got very hurt when he found out something about me. He was hurt that I never told him about that part of my past. I wasn't actually trying to hide it, I was just oblivious to the fact that he might think it was important, because I certainly didn't. He got over it, but sometimes I still don't think to tell him things because they don't strike me as important but if he finds out he might ask why I didn't tell him.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Drink?
Who hasn't?
Emotional affair?
Bit of a fancy word for male/female friendships, lets not forget its classification as an E.A. depends entirely on perspective based subjective evidence. Did you find this out from someone who was connected to her supposed "emotional affair"? Burnt ex lover perhaps?
Dude, you're entirely overreacting here...
Next you'll be telling us that she ate a blueberry muffin for breakfast five years ago and didn't tell you.
How dare she!
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A
male
reader, wguy123 +, writes (9 March 2011):
wguy123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much TEM for your response. I think, I did put her to very high standards. We had a very strong trust and honesty between us for these 8 months. She had asked me initially if I drank or had any past girlfriends. I told her honestly, that I have never touched drinking and did have a couple of girlfriends (nothing serious). I asked her the same and she said she has never touched drinking either or had any relationships. This was 8 months back, and our relationship had become stronger and mature (I thought so). 3 days back as I said, I learnt not from her, that she did indulge once in drinking and had an emotional/romantic affair with a family friend (she says just on chat, and I believe her, this person still continues to be her friend on a social network). The only reason I felt hurt that we had discussed these things earlier and as I said everything to her about my past, I expected her to do it. I really want to move on, I love her truly and I want to spend my life with her. She has been very supportive to me in these 8 months, but then she also tends to hide certain things from me and I feel she can do this again in the future?
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Did she actually lie to you or just leave out the fact that she had an emotional affair and engaged in drinking? If these things occurred before she met you, she might not think they are worth mentioning.
I'm not really sure what is wrong about either one of those things to be quite honest, particularly if they are in the past. What is it about this news that causes you distress, other than the fact that you feel she has been dishonest? How does this change the way you feel for her?
Have you never had romantic feelings for someone? Have you never indulged in drink? Is it possible you are holding her to an impossibly high standard? She is 21, so she is going to have a past. We all do. It's who she is today that you love, right?
You have only known each other eight months and you are making plans to get married. I could be way off base, but I will ask anyway. Are you getting cold feet?
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (9 March 2011):
 It's very possible that she's humiliated by this affair and didn't bring it up, because she fears your judgment. So, leave it, but if you cant, then talk to her about it.
Tell her that her dishonesty hurt you, but you understand why she wasn't willing to share. However, you need to regain trust in her, by having confidence in her future decisions.
Ask her what are some ways she thinks she can avoid the temptation of affairs in the future. This will show that you understand human error and you're willing to support her in making healthier decisions for the betterment of your present relationship.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, lemonyliz +, writes (9 March 2011):
First, what do you mean by "indulged in drinking" ? Are you both as a couple and as people against drinking? If so I can understand some distaste in the idea that she has been drinking and lying about it. Is there an implication that she may have a drinking problem? Or that she went out and got very very drunk and then lied to you about it? I can understand why this would bother you, and perhaps you need to have a discussion on each of your personal standards regarding drinking and then see how they mesh as a couple. I don't think that her getting drunk on occasion (she is still very young, and probably at a point in her life where she may not know her limits and where drinking is still exciting) is that odd or such a big deal, unless that drunkenness is leading to bad behavior or unsafe behavior, or if she has a history of alcohol abuse or may be acquiring some abuse problems. In regards to the emotional affair, that is a bit more tricky. She cheated on you emotionally and that is obviously very hurtful. I would want to discuss the big "why" question and see if there was a real reason that she felt the need to reach out to someone else. I might also set some standards in regards to her interactions with this person that she confided in so much. In general, emotional affairs are tricky because they are hard to define. Do you both define it as an emotional affair? Sometimes a close friendship can turn into, or act like an emotional affair, but then you do not want to keep her from having friendships because they are a valuable and necessary part of life. Perhaps the biggest problem here is that you are engaged after only 8 months (a considerably short amount of time) and now finding that all of your values may not be the same, and furthermore that there could be issues with dishonesty-- not a great foundation for a marriage. If she is looking for someone else to confide in at this point and lying about it, I would be concerned with the longevity of the relationship. Couples counseling is a good idea for any couple getting married no matter how strong their relationship is. I would strongly suggest it. I would also say again that 8 months is a very short amount of time and you are both very young, maybe considering making this engagement a long one and not committing to a wedding date until you are both in a comfortable and trusting position would be a good idea. Sounds like you have a lot of talking to do with your partner, good luck.
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