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... Send *EM a private message | | | *EM's profile:I do think this site is a wonderful example of people helping people. I like the fact that you will get a variety of viewpoints in the answers here. It is then up to the poster to weigh them all when attempting to make an informed decision.
The questions I feel most qualified to answer are ones from adults ages 20 - 65. I feel too out of touch with teenage angst to be of much help, sorry to say.
If I feel I can be of help, I will provide an answer. I try to be as open minded and understanding as possible. What you will get from me is caring, constructive, advice, and occasionally a dash of wisdom from the school of hard knocks.
Here are my thoughts on some topics I discuss often:
Age Differences: Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule
How much older? How much younger? While you may enjoy the company of someone who is a lot older or younger than you, think hard about taking them as a life partner. There is an ancient rule called the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. It still works today. The older you get, the wider the age gap can be. It states: "if you halve your years then add seven, you'll have the youngest decent age for a partner; if you double your years then subtract seven, you'll have the oldest decent age for a partner.” For example, “30-year-old Jason waited for Zoe to turn 22, before he asked her out.” He knew she would be within the half-your-age-plus-seven year rule by then.
Contacting Old Flames
There are lots of ways to contact former first loves, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, husband and wives, today. If you are not in a committed relationship and you know the other person isn’t either, that’s okay. If either of you are in committed relationships, DO NOT DO IT. Sometimes these things start out innocently enough, but I can tell you from experience, 95% of these reconnections end very badly, and the other 5% create horrible collateral damage. The third party, the innocent husband or the wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, will be crushed. There was a reason you broke up with that person, or that person broke up with you, way back when. Sometimes people forget that when they are tripping down memory lane.
Dealing with a Broken Heart
When someone breaks up with you it hurts. Rejection always hurts. Expect to feel awful for a while. The amount of time it will take to get over the hurt depends on how much emotion and time you had invested in the relationship. Loss always takes time to grieve. How much time? Perhaps a minute or two for a lost piece of jewelry. Perhaps a year or two for a lost love. Some things you can do to help yourself:
*Change as much as you can change – Listen to new music. Go to new places. Rearrange your furniture. By new perfume, etc.
*Get some exercise – even if you don’t feel like it, get some fresh air.
*Spend time with people that lift you up. Avoid those that bring you down.
*Make new friends by pursuing your interests.
*Do not contact your ex or engage in revenge. You don’t want them to think you still care, do you?
*Living well is always the best revenge. Get on with your life and get happy again!
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How right is it to lie in order to meet your gf/bf?
Q. I am 22 years old. I have just finished college and now I'm back in my hometown. During my last year there, I got into a relationship with a guy who belongs to that city but is now doing an internship near to my hometown. He plans to visit me soon. ...
A. 14 April 2011: If you both want to be married some day (and it can't be too far off judging by your age) your parents are going to have to meet him at some point. You risk harming your relationship with your parents if you meet him on the sly, when he is in your ... (read in full...)
I put up a fake profile to monitor my son, but now I've fallen in love and don't know how to get out of it.
Q. I set up a social networkng acct only to keep an eye on my son. Since I was only there for that purpose I put in all wrong info and a pic that was not me. Age 20 years younger. Different state etc. The problem is that I accepted a friend request ...
A. 14 April 2011: Okay then, there is your answer. Tell him you have decided to work on your marriage. None can argue that point, no matter how much angst was portrayed. I people were to get in trouble every time someone put up a fake profile, there'd be a LOT of ... (read in full...)
How right is it to lie in order to meet your gf/bf?
Q. I am 22 years old. I have just finished college and now I'm back in my hometown. During my last year there, I got into a relationship with a guy who belongs to that city but is now doing an internship near to my hometown. He plans to visit me soon. ...
A. 14 April 2011: Do not go against your code of ethics here. This is a recipe for regret. Why is it so necessary for you to lie to see this man? I'm not sure why you can't tell your parents.
If his intentions are as pure as he says they are, he should have no ... (read in full...)
I put up a fake profile to monitor my son, but now I've fallen in love and don't know how to get out of it.
Q. I set up a social networkng acct only to keep an eye on my son. Since I was only there for that purpose I put in all wrong info and a pic that was not me. Age 20 years younger. Different state etc. The problem is that I accepted a friend request ...
A. 14 April 2011: Oh gosh, that is quite a pickle you got yourself into. I think it probably happens more often than you think. For all you know he isn't who he says he is either!
Seriously, pain is a great teacher and I think she just taught you one tough le... (read in full...)
Part II - Is love enough even after he has moved out?
Q. I made an original question post on 11/23/2010 trying to decide if I should ask my live in boyfriend of 6 months to leave and if I should end things. Since then, he did move out, but we came to an agreement of things that we both need to work ...
A. 13 April 2011: You know what, you sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, so I'm going to be very honest. I faced the exact same situation once. It's gut wrenching, I know.
I feel you have given him enough time to address the issues you had ... (read in full...)
Based on her behavior, so you think she loves me?
Q. I am 22 years old and cute. there is a girl who is 2 years older than i am. anytime i sit discussing with her she loves just tickling, touching me in my face, ears, cheeks and sometimes kisses me nervously. she tells me most of her secrets on ...
A. 13 April 2011: Love is too strong a word. You don't know each other well enough to feel love. Other than what some call "love at first sight" true love takes time and a little more exposure.
I do think she is smitten by you, however. Girls don't usually ... (read in full...)
Do kids turn out good or bad based on genes?
Q. Do kids turn out good ,or bad ,based on their parents genes,or how they were raised? In my family , there is a strange situation, our kids got most things, what kids needs. Not perfect, but very stable, and loving environment. But the most hor...
A. 13 April 2011: That's the million dollar questions, isn't it? I don't think there's a one size fits all answer here. My personal belief, in the case of troubled children, is that it isn't solely nature or nurture, but rather a combination of factors at work - a ... (read in full...)
What does my dream about my ex mean?
Q. Hey, broke up with a guy for about 7 months now. thing is I have been having dreams. Like today I dreamt about how he broke down in front of my house (and this guy moved back to his home town in Pittsburgh while I live near philly) and he said "oh ...
A. 12 April 2011: When a dream is disturbing enough to wake you up crying - it is something to consider. This man hurt you deeply. You also have unfinished business with him. The dream is an attempt to resolve some of the things about your relationship that did not ... (read in full...)
Unhappily married, and emotional affair partner wants to take it to the next level. What should I do?
Q. Help! I am afraid I will cave under pressure. I have been in an emotional affair with a married man for many months. I am also married. Neither of us are happy in our marriages but we both have children and stay because of them. I have not felt att...
A. 9 April 2011: Yes, you are in a tough spot, but unless you want to be in a tougher spot, you should not do this. I believe you know all the negative ramifications of engaging in a full blown affair. So really the question is, how do you stop yourself from doing ... (read in full...)
I keep having dreams that my boyfriend turns into a drunk, abusive, cheater! Does this mean anything?
Q. I keep having dreams about my boyfriend where he turns into a complete loser. But he's nothing like this in real life. In my dreams he turns into a complete drunk, shouts abusive things all the time, and even cheats on me with my friends right in ...
A. 7 April 2011: Have you ever had an experience with someone like this? Were you traumatized by an abusive drunk in your past? It doesn't have to have been a boyfriend, it could have been a relative.
Your reoccurring dream represents a deep seated fear or hurt.... (read in full...)
I finally broke off an 12 year affair and I am a mess
Q. i did it ...i sent him an email today to end up all that mess ...i was in and out in a relationship - affair whatever you call it with a married guy for over than 12 years ...i am trying really hard to deal with it ...its painfull !!! physically ...
A. 7 April 2011: After twelve years it would be difficult. You can do it, but it will take extraordinary effort. You must cut off all modes of communication - email, phone, text, etc. There will be a great void in your life and you will feel lost.
Going cold tur... (read in full...)
People who are in a marriage with a 30-year age difference.....
Q. I'm really REALLY in love with a man 30 years to my senior, but I worry about our age difference. I have done so much internet research and found so many similar cases with a biiiiig age difference, but none of them really answered my question. ...
A. 7 April 2011: I have had some experience with this - not personally, but through friends. You are about 20, and he is about 50, right now, I take it. Are you thinking of getting married?
I know of two cases, where they actually got married. In one case the... (read in full...)
Can a man truly love two women at once
Q. Question- can a man truly love 2 women at the same time? A little history- I am married so is he. We work for the same company but live in different states. We have fallen in love which is crazy I know. We have never been physical but have hun...
A. 6 April 2011: There is a quote by Iris Murdoch that I really like on this topic - "He led a double life. Did that make him a liar? He did not feel himself a liar. He was a man of two truths." Yes, a man, or a woman for that matter, can love more than one pe... (read in full...)
I ended it, but I'm struggling to move on.
Q. does anyone have some really great, earth-shattering advice for moving on? i feel stuck. i know i'm not supposed to be with my ex and i'm the one that ended the relationship, but it was because i felt i had no choice. but i literally can't seem to ...
A. 6 April 2011: You don't say how long you were with your boyfriend or how long it has been since you broke up. You also don't say why you had to break up with him. I will do my best to answer. There is no magic answer for this, however. There is nothing someone ... (read in full...)
My son will only get financial help for college if I remain umarried for 2 years, but when my fiance found out he took the ring back and demands I marry him next year and leave my son alone in my house!
Q. dear cupid , hope someone can help me. i was planing on marrying this july. well my son got full fiancial aid for college books . everything . well i cant marry for 2 years now, they go by your income. i asked my guy to wait and he got mad. too...
A. 5 April 2011: I really hope your fiance reconsiders once he cools down. The reason you are giving for putting marriage off a year is solid. I really think he should accept your terms. What is his hurry?
You are right to put your son first in this situatio... (read in full...)
I can't initiate sex!
Q. I joined this place after googling 'sex makes me feel guilty' and an answer from here came up. The question I read though was vague and although there were good answers they weren't foe me...so I'll say a bit more I am a female and I have a fem...
A. 5 April 2011: I don't have a lot of experience with the kind of problem you are presenting, but I to write something that might be of help. Please know that this is just my opinion.
I don't think you can force yourself to initiate sex. The very act of having t... (read in full...)
After all this time, is it normal to feel so lost?
Q. I am having problems coping with the breakup of my marriage, and am worried that I still can't get over her completely. She was my best friend above all else, and it was a tremendous loss. It has been a year since we broke up and while I feel out ...
A. 4 April 2011: You don't say how long you were together, but I take it, it was a good deal of time. It's been a year and you're still not over it? That's not unusual at all. Divorce is like a death. It is a huge loss and you must grieve it as such. There are ... (read in full...)
My husband is in a nursing home, is it wrong for me to want to go out with a man for a drink?
Q. I have been through a horrible two years with my husband who developed dementia and now is in a nursing home. We have had a very happy marraige and I miss him so much and have so much guilt about him being where he is although he is well cared for ...
A. 4 April 2011: First, let me say I am sorry about your husband. That had to be tough to deal with. It sounds like you took care of him well until you couldn't anymore. You've been a good partner. As for your question, you know no one can give you a pass on th... (read in full...)
My coworker acts like a little boy around me. What does he want?
Q. One of my male coworkers has recently made it his mission to find all these different ways of annoying me. Whether its trying to distract me and make me falter while I'm on the phone to clients, teasing me about how he always gets out on time...
A. 2 April 2011: Oh, he's one of those guys. I've worked with a few of them. It's a power thing. The first time he was out of line you needed to put him in his place. I imagine you didn't because you didn't want to make waves in the workplace. That happens.
... (read in full...)
He says he trusts me, but his actions say otherwise. What should I do?
Q. My boyfriend doesn't like my friends because of how they behave when they go out. For example, a friend of mine tells my boyfriend early one night that she is engaged to "john doe." Later that night she tells me, drunk and in the front of my ...
A. 2 April 2011: I think you boyfriend's issue with your friends is beside the point. The real problem is a trust issue between the two of you. You started this relationship on shaky ground. He was giving you reason to believe he still have feelings for his ex ... (read in full...)
I don't know if I should leave him or not. I love him. What do you think?
Q. Right here we go... Me and my boyfriend's only been together 2 and a bit months We were mates before we got together He's pretty much stayed with me and my two kids from we first went out ( silly I know ) At first he was great I was so happy n fe...
A. 2 April 2011: I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote, "He says he loves me but doesn't feel like it anymore." As I read your post I can seen that things have been steadily going downhill. Everything was pretty good at first, but he started to slide ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend moved to be with me, but hates it here!
Q. my girlfriend moved out here with her five-year-old son from another state over a year ago to be with me. she's from a small town and has never lived outside of it for any period of time in her life until she moved here. long story short, her son ...
A. 2 April 2011: It's too bad the little boy, that adjusted quickly as little boys do, has such a depressed mom. I feel for you and the boy. If she is sleeping all the time and has no interest in, or motivation to do, anything, she is probably depressed. People ... (read in full...)
Is it my past baggage or is something up?
Q. I've been dating a guy for the past eight months. Initially, we were casual. He dated other people. I dated other people, but throughout it all, we were honest about who we were seeing, even talk about pro's and con's of other people we were seeing, ...
A. 1 April 2011: It's not all in your head. You have reason to be concerned, and for the very reasons you mention. There is secrecy involved in his relationship with, let's call her #3.
At the very least he is having a tough time extricating himself from the rela... (read in full...)
I cheated on my wife...shoud I tell her or not?
Q. I really need some help. Especially from people that have been in my situation. It was my birthday last week. My wife and I went out with a couple of co-workers. We had a good time. She had to go home early, because she had to work the next da...
A. 1 April 2011: Oh demon alcohol. This is a tough one. Normally I am of the "do not tell" camp in a situation like this. Yes, you screwed up, but you know it and you believe it was a one time thing. Under normal circumstances telling your wife would hurt her ... (read in full...)
It is hard for me to open up fully to this new relationship because I am still not totally over my ex and my ex-life.....
Q. I am recently through a divorce that had become rather bitter at the end. Despite that, I have tried so many times to salvage a friendship with my ex and even reconcile because I truly did love her, despite the fact I know we were not a good fit in ...
A. 1 April 2011: You are progressing well. You said it yourself - each day you are getting a little better. That's really good. It's a process and takes time.
Divorce is like a death, except for the fact that the ex is still living. However, like a death, i... (read in full...)
Why did this happen to me? I am the opposite of a jerk!
Q. Hi everyone. I am one of you. A dear cupid reader and writer. Maybe some of you might recognize me. Today I am not able to hold myself together. Now it the end of my controls. I am the guy who has been betrayed by the 1st love of my life with who...
A. 1 April 2011: It is hard for you to think straight right now. Your feelings are still too raw. She broke your heart and you are in mourning. Feeling awful is exactly what you should be doing. It is the only way to heal.
It's a good thing that you don't wa... (read in full...)
I'm going to what people call "party land" ..should I be worrying so much?
Q. I know this website is to do with relationships, but i really want some advice! I'm going on holiday with few my best friends this year to the place everyone calls "Party land". It's just tanning and playing on the beach during the day and partying ...
A. 1 April 2011: It's very level-headed of you to be concerned. Sometimes things do get out of control when everyone is drinking. The fact that you are concerned about it is a good sign and, actually, a reason why an aunt like myself is less concerned. You decided ... (read in full...)
I've ended and affair, but I'm having trouble moving on
Q. Hi, I am a married female 32 years of age, and recently ended a four month affair with a married man,2 kids, same age as myself. He worked in the same building, and after many months of serious eye contact, approched me and we started off just...
A. 1 April 2011: You are in a tough situation right now. I really commend you for breaking it off and sticking with it. The only thing you can do right now is ride it out and not contact him at all, no matter how much you miss him. You will never get to a place ... (read in full...)
Three years later....I'm confused on what to do!
Q. Hi, I am very confused as to what is happening at the moment. But I will start from the beginning, 3 years ago I was "going out" with a guy, and we were both virgins, but about 2months later, my dad died, and I went off the rails. By this I mean I ...
A. 31 March 2011: I can understand your confusion. Are you wondering why he is making sleeping with you a condition of getting back together? You think he may not trust you, but I get the impression you might not trust him either (completely).
I imagine you have... (read in full...)
My husband is doing a 360 about our separation, I'm confused!
Q. help me my husband has done a 360 with our separation..he is taunting a man who is emailing me...when I ask him if he loves this woman hes with he ignores me and asks about the man whos chasing me..... what does he want...I keep asking him do yo...
A. 31 March 2011: I have heard of this before. After 24 years he has come to think of you as "his." It appears he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. He's still jealous and possessive, when he has no right.
The fact that he won't... (read in full...)
Husband is happy to be nothing more than a roommate. I need him as a man. Please help!
Q. My husband asked me for space and time three months ago. I was in our house by myself the whole time, I was working overtime because I wanted to be busy all the time.(no kids- no family, we are both are foreign) Now he is back and he says to me th...
A. 31 March 2011: This has got to be very hard for you to deal with. It's clear you still have romantic feelings for him. In this regard he is showing you anything but sympathy or compassion. He is being cruel. I also find it odd that he said he's worried about ... (read in full...)
My wife speaks very nasty to me when upset over minor things, and expects me to forget what is said
Q. My wife and I have had a wonderful relationship for 15 years...(3 arguments if you can believe it). Lately, she has been getting very nasty, over minor disagreements. While upset, she has said things such as she doesn't care what i think, she ...
A. 30 March 2011: You were married for 15 years and only had three arguments. Now you argue frequently and your wife says hurtful things. I would be concerned because it is uncharacteristic for her, and uncharacteristic of your relationship.
Your wife is easily i... (read in full...)
Why does this guy take all these pictures of me and want more?
Q. Hi All. I have a strange question to ask.I am a woman in her mid 60's i am fit and not unattractive,i excersize every day. well lately this young man he tells me he is 42 has struck up a conversation with me and walks along with me.he seemed n...
A. 30 March 2011: I read this and thought about it. Then I became a little concerned. I don't like to be suspicious of people as a rule, but there is something not quite right here and I think it best to ere on the side of caution here.
Do you know what he ... (read in full...)
How do I accept that this isnt going anywhere?
Q. Hi aunts and uncles. So I'm 30, female and recently met this perfect man of 27. We met at weekend in a bar bout 3am. Went back to his, didn't sleep together, had fun though. Straight away I thought there's something about him, his perfect for me. I ...
A. 30 March 2011: You loved the way he smelled, had passionate sex and bared your souls. You had chemistry with this man, and that is rare. It is really unfortunate that he his a commitment phobe at this time in his life. He also sounds a little immature for his ... (read in full...)
Mid-life crisis, depression or right to feel this way?
Q. My wife and I have been married for 6 years, together for nearly 17 and we have a young son. We recently went through counselling on account of me getting seriously interested in sex over and above anything I've been interested in before. The ...
A. 30 March 2011: I have to agree with the previous poster. I don't think it's a mid-life crisis. I think it is incompatibility. The reason I say this is because it has been going on so long. You've known about the problem, tried to work it out, tried therapy, etc. ... (read in full...)
I'm sending this letter to my lover, what do you think?
Q. I'm sending this letter to my lover, What do you think? It breaks my heart having to say these words to you, but I feel that our relationship has ran its course. It has been wonderful knowing you, you are a great man. I'm sorry that I have to s...
A. 29 March 2011: Wow, you are going to break his heart no matter what you do. It would be better to say these words to him rather than write them in a letter, for a couple of reasons.
First, it is kinder to do it that way. Best not to do it in person, though, ... (read in full...)
He says he is coming, How do I handle his response?
Q. Dear cupid! Sorry if this is extremely long . I met this guy online some time ago and whenever we were chatting it wasn't for long, just regular small talk. I wasn't even paying attention, but generally I considered him to be a nice ...
A. 29 March 2011: Wow, you two really dance around each other. It's been almost a year and you still can't figure where you stand with this guy. To tell you the truth, reading your post, even though it is long, I can't figure it out either.
If I had to take a g... (read in full...)
Is it okay for my boyfriend to still see his hairdresser if he has slept with her in the past?
Q. Dear Cupid, Here is my dilemma. My boyfriend and I have an amazing relationship and I think he is the person I am going to be marrying, but recently I just can't get past this issue. To make a long story short, my boyfriend had too much to drin...
A. 29 March 2011: I really don't think this is something to get real worked up over. Hairdressers are in the cosmetology business. It's their business to help others look good. That's what they do for a living, and if they are to be successful, they need to set a ... (read in full...)
I know that SOME disappointment is part of life, but it ALWAYS happens to me! No one has EVER returned my feelings!
Q. I want to be happy, and for the pain to stop but I've never felt so alone! I would like to share my life, and I don't know if there's any hope of that or if I just need to GET OVER that desire... furthermore, how do I get over it? I'm 29,...
A. 29 March 2011: I get the feeling you are talking about a specific person, because you say, "No one else will ever be as special to me." There is someone you have romantic feelings for and he is not reciprocating. At 29, I guess you are wondering if you should ... (read in full...)
I'm only 31, but I feel too old to attract a man. What can I do?
Q. Yesterday, someone commented that I appear to be five years older than I really am, and I've been feeling depressed ever since. It might seem like I'm overreacting but there are underlying feelings and this just made me feel even worse. An ...
A. 28 March 2011: Stop worrying so much or you'll get wrinkles! Just kidding. You are pretty young in terms of worrying about the bloom falling off the rose, IMHO. It is CERTAINLY not too late. Women are kind of lucky in this respect. There are lots of things ... (read in full...)
I don't know how to overcome my fear of giving presentations.
Q. I've recently posted questions on here about doing presentations and some people gave some advice saying that I need to make sure that I am prepared and everything however I don't think this is the problem. Weeks before the presentation I get real...
A. 28 March 2011: Did you know that, after death, public speaking is the second greatest fear? You are not alone in feeling this way. Most people dread getting up before a group to give a presentation.
Do you know that just about everyone else in your class is... (read in full...)
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