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... Send *EM a private message | | | *EM's profile:I do think this site is a wonderful example of people helping people. I like the fact that you will get a variety of viewpoints in the answers here. It is then up to the poster to weigh them all when attempting to make an informed decision.
The questions I feel most qualified to answer are ones from adults ages 20 - 65. I feel too out of touch with teenage angst to be of much help, sorry to say.
If I feel I can be of help, I will provide an answer. I try to be as open minded and understanding as possible. What you will get from me is caring, constructive, advice, and occasionally a dash of wisdom from the school of hard knocks.
Here are my thoughts on some topics I discuss often:
Age Differences: Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule
How much older? How much younger? While you may enjoy the company of someone who is a lot older or younger than you, think hard about taking them as a life partner. There is an ancient rule called the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. It still works today. The older you get, the wider the age gap can be. It states: "if you halve your years then add seven, you'll have the youngest decent age for a partner; if you double your years then subtract seven, you'll have the oldest decent age for a partner.” For example, “30-year-old Jason waited for Zoe to turn 22, before he asked her out.” He knew she would be within the half-your-age-plus-seven year rule by then.
Contacting Old Flames
There are lots of ways to contact former first loves, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, husband and wives, today. If you are not in a committed relationship and you know the other person isn’t either, that’s okay. If either of you are in committed relationships, DO NOT DO IT. Sometimes these things start out innocently enough, but I can tell you from experience, 95% of these reconnections end very badly, and the other 5% create horrible collateral damage. The third party, the innocent husband or the wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, will be crushed. There was a reason you broke up with that person, or that person broke up with you, way back when. Sometimes people forget that when they are tripping down memory lane.
Dealing with a Broken Heart
When someone breaks up with you it hurts. Rejection always hurts. Expect to feel awful for a while. The amount of time it will take to get over the hurt depends on how much emotion and time you had invested in the relationship. Loss always takes time to grieve. How much time? Perhaps a minute or two for a lost piece of jewelry. Perhaps a year or two for a lost love. Some things you can do to help yourself:
*Change as much as you can change – Listen to new music. Go to new places. Rearrange your furniture. By new perfume, etc.
*Get some exercise – even if you don’t feel like it, get some fresh air.
*Spend time with people that lift you up. Avoid those that bring you down.
*Make new friends by pursuing your interests.
*Do not contact your ex or engage in revenge. You don’t want them to think you still care, do you?
*Living well is always the best revenge. Get on with your life and get happy again!
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Is she really upset or wants me to know it's over or is she thinking about me?
Q. I was with a girl on and off for 7 years. We did have some good times but also argued a lot. Most of the arguments lately have been about me moving in. She lives about an hour and a half from me. I kept telling her when i get my finances ...
A. 6 February 2011: You have quite a long history with this woman. It's a very stormy relationship, and to be honest, she sounds mentally unstable. Calling the police to have them tell you to leave her alone is rather extreme, wouldn't you say?
It may be she does... (read in full...)
How should I explain to her that I'm not interested in having kids?
Q. I am in an awkward situation at the moment. I have just met this lovely lady who is of a different ethic background to me, and she is already dropping hints about having a family one day. We have already had sex. But I made it clear to her before ...
A. 6 February 2011: If you do not want children and she does, the truth is, you must break it off. This is not something you can compromise about. If you end up going along with her and having children even though your heart is not in it, over time you will grow to ... (read in full...)
We're falling for each other but he hasn't broken it off with the other girl
Q. i really like a male friend of mine an I have done for many months. Recently he admitted that he felt the same. The attraction between us is very strong and we have kissed a few times. The problem is that he has a girlfriend of two years. He t...
A. 6 February 2011: I think he's being honest. It's very straightforward of him to tell you he has no more to offer than his friendship at the present time. The only problem I have is the kissing. Friends don't kiss.
It will be difficult for you to be friends ... (read in full...)
Why did he say he fell for me, now changes his mind so quickly?
Q. Here's my story: I met a guy online. We were actually both trying to get off SpeedDate because we were fed up with online dating, it just wasn't working. We started up a conversation and it took off like a rocket. We fell in love, fell IN love and ...
A. 6 February 2011: I know things are fast in this age of speed dating, but this relationship actually did move too fast. From reading what you wrote, you didn't take enough time to get to know each other before you went out to visit him. Three weeks is not long ... (read in full...)
I broke it off. Yet we still work together. Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you survive it?
Q. I have broken it off with my boyfriend of two and a half years. I love him very very much and we have tried and tried but I felt I had to end it because we can't seem to make each other happy any more and I am just so exhausted I really have not...
A. 6 February 2011: Your story is the same as my story when I was your age. This is a truly heart-wrenching decision, but, painful as it is, you are making the right one by breaking it off.
I was with a boyfriend for four years (ages 17-21) when the time came to ... (read in full...)
After a turbulent relationship, should I give him space, and how long?
Q. Here is my story in chronological order. After several break ups and being cheated on twice in two relationships, I came to a conclusion in 2008 that I would be ready to get married to anyone who is ready to give me a commitment. During this ...
A. 6 February 2011: If you are looking for a relationship where there is commitment, this is not the guy. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Read your post. Do you see a pattern there? Is this how you want to live your life?
I see a bleak fu... (read in full...)
Pregnant, financially unstable, and the father wants nothing to do with the baby. Looking for guidance!
Q. Hi All. Sorry this is long, but I need you to know the whole story. Im 20 years old, single and currently in college, but looking for a full time job instead as college is no longer stimulating/interesting me. I was seeing and messing around w...
A. 6 February 2011: You need to search your heart for the answer. No one can tell you whether or not to have an abortion. It is a moral decision and one you will with for the rest of your life.
The pill is not 100% effective. Answers vary, but it is somethin... (read in full...)
Can you truly love someone and yet have sex with someone else?
Q. I have another posting with more details and a different question, but after reading some other posts (and just being honest with myself) I feel this question needs to be answered as well. Long story short, I met an amazing girl, we had a perfect...
A. 6 February 2011: I've already answered your other question. You should not consider giving this woman another chance. Just get that thought out of your head. This woman does not love you. This woman does not love anyone but herself.
If you were to let her ... (read in full...)
Perfect relationship suddenly ends and she is with someone else in no time...WHY?
Q. Please bear with me, I will try to keep this concise but it isn't easy. The first week of August 2010 I began dating a woman. I am 30 she is 33. I had only been dating casually for the past few years, and generally tended to be the one t...
A. 6 February 2011: I think she was infatuated with you in the beginning of your relationship. I do believe she meant what she said at that time. What you need to look at is the period in time where her actions did not lineup with her words. This is when the problem ... (read in full...)
Will my morals go out the window?
Q. hey, can someone help me figure out who i am? im 18 and a virgin, the only guys ive kissed are ones ive got with while clubbing (too many to count) the problem is im going off to uni in september, and im not sure what ill end up doing. like even ...
A. 5 February 2011: I think you're pretty normal actually, you just haven't been tested. You haven't fallen in love yet. I was just like you once. All my friends had, had sex, but me. It wasn't because I wasn't interested. It was because I hadn't met anyone I felt ... (read in full...)
Should I stay or should I go?
Q. I started a relationship a little over 6 months ago after being single 5 years. I am older and our relationship is long distant (245 miles) but I have made the trek 13 weeks in a row myself and sometimes I really couldn't afford to but I did out of ...
A. 5 February 2011: It sounds as if you are putting all the effort into the relationship and you do not feel you are getting the consideration you deserve. There are also a lot of external problems, but those can happen in most any relationship.
What really matters ... (read in full...)
Should I stay with my wife and kids, or leave them for the girlfriend I love?
Q. Wife And Girl friend yep go figure.. Cut to the chase... I have 3 boys, one grown and gone, one grown and very sick living at home may die any time. Younger one also live here at home with my wife and myself. A number of years ago, a tough time sta...
A. 5 February 2011: There's what you want, and there's the right thing. Financial problems can really strain a marriage, as can a deathly ill child. You do sound as if you are overwhelmed, but escaping into an extramarital affair was not the answer.
If you leav... (read in full...)
My husband's child and the mother from a past relationship are back in our lives...the child stays with us every weekend, and my life is pretty much over!
Q. Two years ago I got married for the second time. My husband has a child from a previous relationship and all the time we have been married and for all the time the child has been born the mother and the child have lived in the US. The child who is ...
A. 5 February 2011: Perhaps you need to use stronger language when talking to your husband about this. Every weekend is too much. His ex-wife has been freed up socially, while you have been bogged down. This does not seem like an equitable arrangement. You are i... (read in full...)
How do I recover from this strange relationship?
Q. I was in a short-term relationship with someone who said I was wonderful, beautiful, a nice woman with a "good heart." Although we started our as friends our relationship progressed. He was warm, caring, intelligent, funny..all I could want in a ...
A. 5 February 2011: That was certainly no way to handle a break-up. He should have been honest with you. The way it played out was ambiguous, leaving you with lots of unanswered questions. It wasn't fair and certainly no way to treat a friend. Take away all ... (read in full...)
My married lover had a stroke, but we still want to be together. How can we make this possible?
Q. Hi, I've been married for quite a few years, but I have always known I married on the rebound from my first marriage, which also was never right. The reason for this is that there was always someone else that I loved, but I never explored it as I ...
A. 3 February 2011: It's too bad your marriages haven't worked out. His either for that matter. You are probably going to get some brutal responses to what you have posted, but mine will not be one of them.
Your case is a classic case of a lost love reconnec... (read in full...)
How can I get my cheating husband back?
Q. How can I in back my husband if he still cheats on me for almost 10 years. He give more time and even spend most of his life with his high school buddies. Actually he had an illicit affair with his Highschool girlfriend until now. And he even had ...
A. 3 February 2011: His behavior is extreme and you sound as if you are near the breaking point. My advice it to tell him you will divorce, or leave him, him unless he stops cheating. If he denies cheating you must tell him you have absolute proof and know it to be ... (read in full...)
How do I tell my husband we need marriage counseling?
Q. My husband and I having been problems over the last year. It started with him accusing me of cheating on him and leaving me. We desided to work things out but I found he was still chatting with females on match.com. I canceled that account and then ...
A. 3 February 2011: I agree with CaringGuy. However, I think you need to make it clear to your husband that he must attend marriage counseling with your or the marriage will be over.
What he is doing by blaming you is classic cheater stuff. He's what I call "a ... (read in full...)
Married, cheated with ex, got caught, still married and still miss my ex!!!! Help!!!
Q. I cheated on my husband with my first love, who has a girlfriend. We didn't have a long affair, we mostly emailed, texted and we were able to meet a few times. We had sex and it was incredible. Back in high school when we dated he left me because ...
A. 3 February 2011: It was probably just a matter of time before you had an affair if your sex life is as bad as you say it is, however, it's somewhat unfortunate that you had the affair with your first love (FL). These affairs are very difficult to get over.
When ... (read in full...)
Jealous of husband's female friend!
Q. Should I be upset that my husband of thirty years, talks to his lady friend on the phone almost every day, sometimes several times in a day? I guess I am just a little jealous because he doesn't talk to me that much. And I caught him lying about ...
A. 3 February 2011: Do you feel he is having an emotional affair with this woman? Talking on the phone several times a day is excessive, even for the best of friends. If you are thinking this behavior is a threat to your marriage you should have a heart-to-heart talk ... (read in full...)
Spark for another man, not my husband!
Q. I have been married for 14 years but I have lost all sexual attraction for my husband. We get along for the most part and he treats me well although we do fight quite a bit. We have financial problems and three young children. We do not spend any ...
A. 2 February 2011: You are pretty smart, you know. You know what the problem is with your marriage and why you are drawn to someone else. You even know that this man is a diversion, an escape from your unhappiness.
However, you are married and so is this other gu... (read in full...)
Has anyone ever felt as though there were a spiritual cause for their sufferings?
Q. Does anybody ever felt, there might-be some kind of a spiritual cause behind their sufferings? Like karma, or curse or something like that? Because I can't see any good explanation for the consistent deterioration of my life. It is also strange, no ...
A. 2 February 2011: We really don't know why bad things sometimes happen to good people. We do know that life is not always fair. I am sorry for your trouble.
It sounds as if you are coming to the conclusion that God is testing you with all of this tragedy.... (read in full...)
I liked him less when he admitted having dated someone my mother's age
Q. This guy that I'm dating has dated a much older woman in the past. I don't usually bring up past relationships for this very reason but it somehow came out and never did I think he would have dated 25 years older than him.(he's 25). I tried ...
A. 2 February 2011: What's a big deal to some is nothing to others. I have to say 25 years is a big age difference, so I don't think it is odd that this shocked you. You are in the "getting to know him" stage of a relationship. This is a period where we evaluate. You ... (read in full...)
My husband is sucking me dry... emotionally. Need advice!
Q. I don't even know why I am posting this here or how to phrase this so that I don't seem like the bad guy...but I am. And I know it. And yes, feel free to tell me so. I tried to tell my hubby that if he posted here with this problem you would all ...
A. 2 February 2011: You're right. I have absolutely no idea all that "the lifestyle" entails. I only know what you have shared. It did cloud the issue however, because most here would suffer emotionally from some of the interpersonal dynamics you described.
Anywa... (read in full...)
What I should do or what should I have done. I am still in shock to find my husband also cheated.
Q. Dear All, I have always been a faithful wife. I even looked down on those whom got their lives messed up by having an affair. A little over a year ago, I ran into a man whom counseled my ex and I when I went through the divorce. I was so m...
A. 2 February 2011: Wow, you've had a tough time of it, haven't you? Even though you say you loved your husband you were not happy in your marriage. The "counselor" took advantage of the situation, but it does take two to tango. It is really too bad you got involved... (read in full...)
How to tell my boyfriend that I want to keep my baby?
Q. I am not really seeking advice, just wanted to get things off my chest. Any comments however will be taken into consideration and welcomed. I am very much in love with a man, well at this point I am not sure what it is anymore. I wish I could jus...
A. 2 February 2011: Oh my, this is such a sad situation. I don't want to say too much about your boyfriend, but I think you know where his values and priorities lie. Actions speak louder than words my dear. Your intuition is correct. He is not acting like someone ... (read in full...)
My husband is sucking me dry... emotionally. Need advice!
Q. I don't even know why I am posting this here or how to phrase this so that I don't seem like the bad guy...but I am. And I know it. And yes, feel free to tell me so. I tried to tell my hubby that if he posted here with this problem you would all ...
A. 2 February 2011: Whether you and your friend have 0 or 40 IQ points over your husband, doesn't matter. He feels inferior because he is a High School drop out and you are a college graduate. The fact that you need the other guy for intellectual stimulation, and your ... (read in full...)
After cheating and splitting up from partner, will any other woman have trust in him?
Q. I would like to know how hard it is for a man that has cheated on his wife/gf and split up with her to find another partner? Will any woman trust him? How soon should he tell the potential partner his story? How much detail should he giving her and ...
A. 2 February 2011: Well, first things first. You need to work through the problems in your marriage, even if that means divorce. Once divorced, it's a good idea to spend some time on your own so you don't jump into the next relationship on the rebound. If you get ... (read in full...)
My husband is sucking me dry... emotionally. Need advice!
Q. I don't even know why I am posting this here or how to phrase this so that I don't seem like the bad guy...but I am. And I know it. And yes, feel free to tell me so. I tried to tell my hubby that if he posted here with this problem you would all ...
A. 2 February 2011: Boy, this is confusing, but I think I can read between the lines. Here is is what I get -- Your husband has always had girlfriends, which he use to keep secret from you. He is now coming clean about his relationships with other women. ... (read in full...)
Just split up with my girlfriend, now do I respond to this text?
Q. Right guys/gals. I got a question for you. I just split up with my girlfriend. We absolutely adored one another. Really in love. Practically joined at the hip. Anyway, my last ex was a bit crazy when I was with her and still is. She foun...
A. 1 February 2011: You should reply to your girlfriend. Start off slow and build up. You still love her. She still loves you. Her mother intervened because she feels there was a big misunderstanding, she knows her daughter really loves you, and it's breaking her ... (read in full...)
I just want to talk to, sleep with him again, something!
Q. I slept with a guy twice about 4-5 months ago. He's about 8 years younger than I am. We were supposed to get together again, but he never responded to my last text, and I haven't heard from him since. We have mutual friends, and it really bothers ...
A. 1 February 2011: My guess is that you cannot stop thinking about him because you lack closure. Sleeping with someone is an intimate act, even if you do not know the person very well. You gave something of yourself away and then you heard...nothing. That is ... (read in full...)
My husband is sucking me dry... emotionally. Need advice!
Q. I don't even know why I am posting this here or how to phrase this so that I don't seem like the bad guy...but I am. And I know it. And yes, feel free to tell me so. I tried to tell my hubby that if he posted here with this problem you would all ...
A. 1 February 2011: May I ask you one question? What is your definition of friend? Is your relationship with your male friend, or his relationship with is female friends, intimate in any way? Are the boundaries of what is considered a friend, especially one of the ... (read in full...)
I just want to talk to, sleep with him again, something!
Q. I slept with a guy twice about 4-5 months ago. He's about 8 years younger than I am. We were supposed to get together again, but he never responded to my last text, and I haven't heard from him since. We have mutual friends, and it really bothers ...
A. 1 February 2011: I know it is very difficult to accept, but I believe this guy is not responding to your contact because he is no longer interested. 4-5 months ago is a long time for someone who is in their 20's.
It appears as if he has moved on and it would be... (read in full...)
How is it possible after so many years to be still in love? Especially when we are both happily married to other people!
Q. Hi everybody my story follows: Met my first love 18 years ago. We were both teenagers and we had a very intense relationship for 3.5 years. This relationship was the first sex experience for both of us. To make long story short, she left th...
A. 31 January 2011: I still think you are playing with fire my friend, but it is certainly your life to do with as you will. So, if you get burned, just remember this lady, many, many, miles away warned you. I know because I have been down this road. I have st... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 31 January 2011: I think you called his bluff. He put up that macho front at first, but then he panicked when he realized you meant business. So, he wants to salvage the friendship and put you through a "test" to see if his feelings will grow. I am willing to bet ... (read in full...)
I'm married but my 1st love has come back into my life, and I don't know what to do
Q. My life has recently been turned upside down and I'm not sure what to do. I made the mistake of sending the love of my life a message on facebook that I thought was completely innocent. His profile said he was in a relationship and I was just ...
A. 31 January 2011: I understand, believe me I do. Please visit http://www.lostlovers.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi
There are threads there you can read without becoming a member. However, since this is long distance, and may take a while to sort out, I would sugg... (read in full...)
3 years after husband walks out, I still grieve, when does it stop?
Q. Hi, I was with supposedly the "love of my life" for 32 years. In 2008, I found out he was having an affair. He left my son and I for 2 months, and then returned, stayed for 3 months, kept seeing the other person and then left again. I have not seen ...
A. 31 January 2011: Experts say it takes 3-5 years to grieve a major loss, such as the death of a spouse or a divorce. Things are supposed to slowly get better as you move through the stages of the grieving process. It sounds like you are not making progress. Rathe... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 29 January 2011: Telling this man goodbye is going to be difficult because you both have become so dependent on each other, but you can do it. It will be interesting to see his response when you do. That will tell you a lot about his character.
I know you will... (read in full...)
How is it possible after so many years to be still in love? Especially when we are both happily married to other people!
Q. Hi everybody my story follows: Met my first love 18 years ago. We were both teenagers and we had a very intense relationship for 3.5 years. This relationship was the first sex experience for both of us. To make long story short, she left th...
A. 29 January 2011: It is good to hear you say that you have decided not to have an affair with your first love, and that she says she does not want one with you. So, I guess you have decided to have a friendship with her? However, you still have romantic feelings for ... (read in full...)
Should I leave, so she can find someone who will make her happier? Don't want to lose the love of my life!
Q. I have been with my wife for 9 years, married for 3. I love her like no other and we have 3 boys together. About 4 months ago, we really had problems. I got so depressed and turned to trying to kill myself, but by the grace of god and my loving ...
A. 28 January 2011: Did you seek professional treatment for your depression? If you are thinking of leaving her so she can be happy, it doesn't sound that way. No one has to suffer anymore. Depression is treatable. If you have not already done so, get a referral ... (read in full...)
Should I reunite a decade later with a long lost friend?
Q. Does anyone have any stories involving reunions with long lost friends/interest that end well? When I was 20, I met a man while interning in a city over the summer. He was 40 at the time and we hung out just talking and walking around the city....
A. 28 January 2011: I think he wants to be more than friends. You are now 30 and he is 50. That's a big age difference. However, if neither of you are married, or in a serious relationship, it won't hurt anyone. Just be prepared for when he comes on to you.... (read in full...)
How is it possible after so many years to be still in love? Especially when we are both happily married to other people!
Q. Hi everybody my story follows: Met my first love 18 years ago. We were both teenagers and we had a very intense relationship for 3.5 years. This relationship was the first sex experience for both of us. To make long story short, she left th...
A. 28 January 2011: Well, let me tell you a little bit more about what I know about first love reconnections -
Unless the relationship was broken up by outside forces, the reconnection is doomed. By outside forces I mean that your parents made you separate for some... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 28 January 2011: You know no one can tell you exactly what to do. They can only tell you what they would do if it were them. I do get an overall sense of sadness in your posts, and that is troublesome. It does seem as if this man doesn't make you feel very good ... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 28 January 2011: If you are not looking to date anymore, what do you envision for your future? Are you okay with ending up alone? Is just having a man, that is a good friend, enough for you as you more into your older years? Is there some unspoken understanding ... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 28 January 2011: It's hard for me to say this but, pretty much all of what you wrote in your last paragraph is true. He is stringing you along. He's told you he doesn't have strong feelings for you, which gives him an out in case someone better (e.g. someone with ... (read in full...)
How is it possible after so many years to be still in love? Especially when we are both happily married to other people!
Q. Hi everybody my story follows: Met my first love 18 years ago. We were both teenagers and we had a very intense relationship for 3.5 years. This relationship was the first sex experience for both of us. To make long story short, she left th...
A. 27 January 2011: The answer is as you knew it would be and Kilcardy confirmed. You know you can't do this and you understand exactly why. I am going to try to explain to you why your feelings are so strong. I think this is something you do don't fully understand, ... (read in full...)
I'm married but my 1st love has come back into my life, and I don't know what to do
Q. My life has recently been turned upside down and I'm not sure what to do. I made the mistake of sending the love of my life a message on facebook that I thought was completely innocent. His profile said he was in a relationship and I was just ...
A. 23 January 2011: With today's technology this is more common that you think. I don't know if you have met up with him yet, but I would advise you not to. It's probably a good thing that he is six hours away. When lost loves meet they tend to pick up right where ... (read in full...)
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