A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have asked my husband for a separation due to the fact that I was hurting so much as a result of his words and actions. We have been married for 13 years. He had 2 emotional affairs; 3 years into our marriage and another one 6 years thereafter. I forgave him for that and we moved on. But during the past year I have been suspecting that something was not right. His behaviour changed and he always kept the phone on him all the time. He became cold and distant towards me. Then last week I discovered that his was having another affair, which at this point I believe to be emotional too. I also discovered that he had been supporting this woman financially, even went to extent of paying for her tuition fees. THis hurt me in so many ways than you can imagine because all this time he has been neglecting me and our two kids, making all excuses about his financial situation yet at the same time he has the guts to support another woman financially. I confronted the other woman and she told me that she was not aware that my H was married and had two kids, so she reluctantly confirmed that something was going on between them.I decided not to confront my H about this and up to this day I have not said a word about it. I then asked him that we separate (marital separation not legal)coz I was hurting so much and did not want to be any where near him.He betrayed my trust in a big way and I don't think I will ever get to trust him again. All I want right now is to work on myself, get to heal and move on with life with my kids.At this point, I do not imagine us ever getting back together, I do not even have it in me to work on this marriage anymore. The fact that he refuses counseling makes it even worse. My main concern now is the fact that he keeps coming to check on us every day and he now seems remorseful and he tries to provide for all our daily needs now, which i feel is a little too late. I wish he did not come everyday but for the sake of our children, I let him come because I know they need thier father in thier lives too. The question I have been battling with right now, is how long should I wait before I am sure that I have made the right decision to finally divorce my H? Is it still too early to be even thinking about it seeing that I am still hurting so much?? I don't feel anything for my H right now since we drifted apart a while ago. I just care about him as the father of my children. Please advice.
View related questions:
affair, divorce, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, NOTSORRY  +, writes (19 March 2011):
Kick him to the curb! Don't turn back-it's scary but you will be happier in the long run.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 March 2011):
 You've made the right decision to divorce him. Don't draw it out, or you won't be able to move on. He is a serial cheater, and if he's giving this other woman money and such, he's having sex with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, rachel aniston  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 get rid of him ,such people not only ruin their life but others life too if you will continue to be in relation with him may be he can hurt u once again .
...............................
A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 You have separted because of his cheating ways and still with you taking this action he still will not accept counseling in the attempt to save his marriage. This man is a selfish person and he is only thinking on himself. He has betrayed you and given money to another women money that should have been given to you to his kids. I think that the best thing you can do is divorce him and fight for what is legally yours for example, child support, spousal support, don't let another women stay with what is legally yours. After all this trauma is done and over with you might want to go get some counseling but counseling for you to help you get through this difficult time and someone that will let you see that their is a rainbow at the end of every storm. Good luck to you and your children.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (16 March 2011):
 Your husband has shown no remorse for what he is putting you through. You need to make a life for yourself and your children, that do not include him.
If you would like to chat more - please PM me.
...............................
A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (16 March 2011):
 Divorce appears inevitable as you do not have it in your heart to work on it, and even if you did, he has said he will not go to counseling. I am not sure what divorce laws are like in your country. I don't know if there is a waiting period, or a stipulation that marriage counseling be attempted before filing for divorce, for example.
However, right now you are still hurting from the most recent turn of events. You only discovered the affair and asked him to move out last week. It would be a good idea to wait until you are thinking clearly before making some of the big decisions that are part of the divorce process - financial support, custody, etc.
But it wouldn't hurt to contact a lawyer at this time. A good lawyer will counsel you on what to do, and what not to do, before you file for divorce. Again, I don't know what the law is like in your country, but in mine there are specific things you should not do during the separation period, so that the divorce goes more smoothly for you.
As far as when you should start proceedings, start them when you feel emotionally ready. Contact a therapist if you feel emotionally unable to handle this, or are having great difficulty making decisions. You need support and guidance during this time. A good therapist can guide you through the emotional aspects of divorcing.
Best of luck.
TEM
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 March 2011):
 he might be temporarily remorseful about you taking action because of his actions.
But now genuine is he? Afterall he's resistant to counselling.
But once he feels safe he will cheat again.
By the way you do not 'ask' for a separation. You do not need your husband's 'permission' for a separation. Instead you make the decision and then let him known that you have instigated the separation. It is your decision.
After all he's had his turn, making decisions, considering all his affairs.
After you have attended counselling you will be in a better position to make decisions on what you want and what you need.
Though whether you divorce, separate, or stay, the important thing he should give you, after all his cheating, is a sincere apology for his serial infidelity.
Your man has been unfaithful.
His behavior is disrespectful to you, his wife.A man does not spend the level of money you suggested, to keep a paramour plus his wife, unless the paramour is providing the same loving as he enjoys with his wife.
Once you have made a decision, and if a divorce is your preference, the go ahead with it. Do not ask permission of your husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, yomama65 +, writes (16 March 2011):
 First of all, I want to tell you that I really feel for you in this situation, and I don't know how you could put up with this behavior for as long as you did. It sounds like your husband has some pretty significant issues and it may well be too late to save your marriage after the damage he's done. I do wonder if you've ever had marriage counseling? If it were me, and I thought there was even a chance for the marriage, I would have insisted on therapy after the first "emotional" affair. Therapy may have uncovered the "emotional" needs that may not have been met in your relationship and you may have been able to work on that as a couple. At this point, however, I would be reluctant to recommend therapy because the damage is so great that you don't even want to be around him. And rebuilding trust after numerous affairs would take a tremendous amount of work. I understand your concerns about the children, but I am of the belief that it would be healthier for them to see you healing and trying to rebuild your life than always miserable and upset with their dad. Divorce is hard, believe me, I know, I've been there, but you need to do what is ultimately best for you. And at this point, it looks like you may need to get a divorce. Best wishes to you and your children.
...............................
|
