A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been having an affair for almost 7 years now.I love her dearly and i think the feeleing is mutual.We have never committed to each other due to us both having kids. Mine is 5 and hers are above 18. She has 3.However Christmas 2009 at a party we were in effect caught. Since then i have told her we need to end these lies and be together,However this year her eldest has announced she is getting married. Thus she wants to stay around for the wedding. She is indian so there are two weddings and i have to cope with all this. As she is Indian she will have to give up everything to be with me and i am scared she is leading me on. She tells me she loves me and wants to be with me but i dont know. I personally think she is scared of her husband who is very controlling.I dont sleep with my partner at home and havent done so for about three years.. Sleep as in share a bed or have sex. However she still sleeps in the same bed as her husband and tells me they havent had sex for over a year and three months.I dont want anyone to judge me but am i being stupid... should i end this or wait?We have been through so many things together and she is a big part of my life but i am now mentally torchuring myself and dont beleive her...on the sex front..Can any one advise?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (14 March 2011):
 I am wondering why, after all this time, the thought of her having sex with her husband is bothering you. You saw her for a seven years. She must have been intimate with her husband the first five or six years you were having an affair.
Is that what is really bothering you or are you questioning her commitment to you? Is it that you think she will never leave her marriage? I think your instincts are correct here. I don't think she will ever leave her marriage. She stands to lose too much financially and she appears very family oriented. If the one thing she is missing in her marriage is intimacy, she is getting that need met with you. You are effectively "the other man."
It doesn't make sense to you that she would be sharing a bed with her husband and not having sex. It doesn't make sense to me either. It may be limited, and not satisfying (for her) but my guess is she needs to do it to keep the peace in the marriage.
I am sorry if my opinion is difficult to accept, but that is the way I see it. You have to decide if you want to stay in this relationship, such as it is, because I don't think it is going to change.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): She sounds two-minded about it all. Could be she was enjoying the affair but didn't want it to be more. Having her cake and eating it. If she has never said she loves you, maybe you should ask her whether she does and whether she would divorce her husband to marry you.
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