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... Send *EM a private message | | | *EM's profile:I do think this site is a wonderful example of people helping people. I like the fact that you will get a variety of viewpoints in the answers here. It is then up to the poster to weigh them all when attempting to make an informed decision.
The questions I feel most qualified to answer are ones from adults ages 20 - 65. I feel too out of touch with teenage angst to be of much help, sorry to say.
If I feel I can be of help, I will provide an answer. I try to be as open minded and understanding as possible. What you will get from me is caring, constructive, advice, and occasionally a dash of wisdom from the school of hard knocks.
Here are my thoughts on some topics I discuss often:
Age Differences: Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule
How much older? How much younger? While you may enjoy the company of someone who is a lot older or younger than you, think hard about taking them as a life partner. There is an ancient rule called the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. It still works today. The older you get, the wider the age gap can be. It states: "if you halve your years then add seven, you'll have the youngest decent age for a partner; if you double your years then subtract seven, you'll have the oldest decent age for a partner.” For example, “30-year-old Jason waited for Zoe to turn 22, before he asked her out.” He knew she would be within the half-your-age-plus-seven year rule by then.
Contacting Old Flames
There are lots of ways to contact former first loves, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, husband and wives, today. If you are not in a committed relationship and you know the other person isn’t either, that’s okay. If either of you are in committed relationships, DO NOT DO IT. Sometimes these things start out innocently enough, but I can tell you from experience, 95% of these reconnections end very badly, and the other 5% create horrible collateral damage. The third party, the innocent husband or the wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, will be crushed. There was a reason you broke up with that person, or that person broke up with you, way back when. Sometimes people forget that when they are tripping down memory lane.
Dealing with a Broken Heart
When someone breaks up with you it hurts. Rejection always hurts. Expect to feel awful for a while. The amount of time it will take to get over the hurt depends on how much emotion and time you had invested in the relationship. Loss always takes time to grieve. How much time? Perhaps a minute or two for a lost piece of jewelry. Perhaps a year or two for a lost love. Some things you can do to help yourself:
*Change as much as you can change – Listen to new music. Go to new places. Rearrange your furniture. By new perfume, etc.
*Get some exercise – even if you don’t feel like it, get some fresh air.
*Spend time with people that lift you up. Avoid those that bring you down.
*Make new friends by pursuing your interests.
*Do not contact your ex or engage in revenge. You don’t want them to think you still care, do you?
*Living well is always the best revenge. Get on with your life and get happy again!
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How is it possible after so many years to be still in love? Especially when we are both happily married to other people!
Q. Hi everybody my story follows: Met my first love 18 years ago. We were both teenagers and we had a very intense relationship for 3.5 years. This relationship was the first sex experience for both of us. To make long story short, she left th...
A. 31 January 2011: I still think you are playing with fire my friend, but it is certainly your life to do with as you will. So, if you get burned, just remember this lady, many, many, miles away warned you. I know because I have been down this road. I have st... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 31 January 2011: I think you called his bluff. He put up that macho front at first, but then he panicked when he realized you meant business. So, he wants to salvage the friendship and put you through a "test" to see if his feelings will grow. I am willing to bet ... (read in full...)
I'm married but my 1st love has come back into my life, and I don't know what to do
Q. My life has recently been turned upside down and I'm not sure what to do. I made the mistake of sending the love of my life a message on facebook that I thought was completely innocent. His profile said he was in a relationship and I was just ...
A. 31 January 2011: I understand, believe me I do. Please visit http://www.lostlovers.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi
There are threads there you can read without becoming a member. However, since this is long distance, and may take a while to sort out, I would sugg... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 29 January 2011: Telling this man goodbye is going to be difficult because you both have become so dependent on each other, but you can do it. It will be interesting to see his response when you do. That will tell you a lot about his character.
I know you will... (read in full...)
How is it possible after so many years to be still in love? Especially when we are both happily married to other people!
Q. Hi everybody my story follows: Met my first love 18 years ago. We were both teenagers and we had a very intense relationship for 3.5 years. This relationship was the first sex experience for both of us. To make long story short, she left th...
A. 29 January 2011: It is good to hear you say that you have decided not to have an affair with your first love, and that she says she does not want one with you. So, I guess you have decided to have a friendship with her? However, you still have romantic feelings for ... (read in full...)
How is it possible after so many years to be still in love? Especially when we are both happily married to other people!
Q. Hi everybody my story follows: Met my first love 18 years ago. We were both teenagers and we had a very intense relationship for 3.5 years. This relationship was the first sex experience for both of us. To make long story short, she left th...
A. 28 January 2011: Well, let me tell you a little bit more about what I know about first love reconnections -
Unless the relationship was broken up by outside forces, the reconnection is doomed. By outside forces I mean that your parents made you separate for some... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 28 January 2011: You know no one can tell you exactly what to do. They can only tell you what they would do if it were them. I do get an overall sense of sadness in your posts, and that is troublesome. It does seem as if this man doesn't make you feel very good ... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 28 January 2011: If you are not looking to date anymore, what do you envision for your future? Are you okay with ending up alone? Is just having a man, that is a good friend, enough for you as you more into your older years? Is there some unspoken understanding ... (read in full...)
Recently reconnected after 7 years. What is he thinking?
Q. Seven years ago, I had a friend’s with benefits relationship that lasted a year. I moved away because I fell in love with him and did not want him to know. Six months ago, we reconnected and I admitted how I felt and why I had moved. He had no idea ...
A. 28 January 2011: It's hard for me to say this but, pretty much all of what you wrote in your last paragraph is true. He is stringing you along. He's told you he doesn't have strong feelings for you, which gives him an out in case someone better (e.g. someone with ... (read in full...)
Should I continue waiting for my married lover, or am I being taken for a ride?
Q. Greetings All! I have worked with this person for two years and have always had a mutual great feeling. We began an active relationship last year. I was in process of a divorce, but the feelings for her were very real and true. She put forth the ...
A. 27 January 2011: If you want the female perspective on it, I'd say her husband provides her with financial security and you take care of "the entertainment." Here's my guess. I could be totally wrong, because you haven't provided a lot of details, but...s... (read in full...)
Baring my soul here after my life changed drastically. How do I salvage my marriage?
Q. Hi - I'm very curious to hear people's responses please. My husband and I have been together 14 years (Im now early 30s -he's mid 30's). I realize now that I met him at a very vulnerable time in my life. I needed a lot of attention and I was just...
A. 27 January 2011: You've gone away and come back to him, so I'm pretty sure you feel he is the one for you. You've talked it out in therapy as well and decided you still love him. Does he know it? Does he feel it?
Sometimes men equate sex with love. If you a... (read in full...)
How is it possible after so many years to be still in love? Especially when we are both happily married to other people!
Q. Hi everybody my story follows: Met my first love 18 years ago. We were both teenagers and we had a very intense relationship for 3.5 years. This relationship was the first sex experience for both of us. To make long story short, she left th...
A. 27 January 2011: The answer is as you knew it would be and Kilcardy confirmed. You know you can't do this and you understand exactly why. I am going to try to explain to you why your feelings are so strong. I think this is something you do don't fully understand, ... (read in full...)
I'm worried about any embarrasing things I might have done
Q. I am feeling terrible because I ended up having sex with the guy in the apartment next door the other night. I only just moved in and it was the second time we had visited and had a drink. I can't even remember much of it or how it started. I knew I ...
A. 27 January 2011: You shouldn't have blacked out and had "the worst hangover ever" from two glasses of wine. Something doesn't add up here. It's probably best that you want to keep your distance. ... (read in full...)
I'm worried about any embarrasing things I might have done
Q. I am feeling terrible because I ended up having sex with the guy in the apartment next door the other night. I only just moved in and it was the second time we had visited and had a drink. I can't even remember much of it or how it started. I knew I ...
A. 26 January 2011: Well what's done is done. You did something you regret and now you feel awful. That's understandable and exactly how everyone feels when they've done something they're not proud of. I wouldn't worry too much about what he thinks. It takes two to ... (read in full...)
Married and have feelings for another man
Q. I am a married woman. I have been married to the same man for almost 20 years. He loves me with all his heart. He is loyal, a good father to our kids, and he does everything for me. He puts up with me even when I am not nice to him. Any woman would ...
A. 26 January 2011: 20 years happily married vs an infatuation you've had for how long? Several months maybe? Which one do you feel carries more weight? Which is of more worth? Which is real? Where does real love lie? It's easy to be attracted to a man that is... (read in full...)
How do you move on from past relationships?
Q. This might be a stupid question, but: how do you stop feeling bothered about stuff from the past? When I think of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend [who broke up with me months ago], I still feel bothered by things.. I won't bore everyone with ...
A. 26 January 2011: You have experienced a loss. Whenever there is loss, there is grief. The length of time it takes to get over the loss depends on how much emotion you had invested in the object of the loss. Let's say it might take 30 seconds for a lost bracelet. ... (read in full...)
Should I keep my married boyfriend's baby?
Q. I have been seeing a married man for almost 4 years he has been married 6 yrs. I know I will be judged and for the most part for what I have read on this topic, answers seem to be one sided. Always blaming the mistress. It takes two selfish,cheaters ...
A. 25 January 2011: Oh Gosh, I for one would never be unkind in my response to you. Your post awfully hard to read and made me very sad. There are so many things going on here, I don't know where to begin, but I think I should address the largest issue first - ... (read in full...)
Should we tell our good friend that we saw her new husband on an online dating website?
Q. Dear Agony Aunt, I am in a group of 8 women that travel and play a sport together. We have known each other a very long time and are good friends. One of my friends divorced her husband of 25 years to be with another man. This man had been single ...
A. 25 January 2011: Florida Girl et al,
Thanks for your responses. From all the different opinions, it appears you are just as stumped by this as we are.
To clear up a couple of things: Agony Aunt put that our friend is now married to the man she left her hus... (read in full...)
I'm married but my 1st love has come back into my life, and I don't know what to do
Q. My life has recently been turned upside down and I'm not sure what to do. I made the mistake of sending the love of my life a message on facebook that I thought was completely innocent. His profile said he was in a relationship and I was just ...
A. 23 January 2011: With today's technology this is more common that you think. I don't know if you have met up with him yet, but I would advise you not to. It's probably a good thing that he is six hours away. When lost loves meet they tend to pick up right where ... (read in full...)
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