A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry about the long read; I need help.I've been in a relationship for nearly 2-1/2 years. I love my girlfriend, however, things between us have gotten pretty rough, and last night, she really upset me almost to the point of walking out.At the beginning of our relationship, things were "lovey dubby," except for the occasional disagreement over stupid stuff. She used to "play" the quiet treatment game when she was upset, and after trying to talk it out multiple times, I walked away from her...showing her I don't play games. From that point on, we've been good at talking things out, until recently.When we started dating, I was still in college, working towards my lifelong dream of becoming a professional pilot (I'm currently a flight instructor, making next to nothing while I build up experience for the airlines). She was just entering nursing school. She was very upset over the entrance exam, which included a lot of math, so I sat down with her and studied with her: she ultimately passed. Throughout her time in school, she would often come home in tears over the difficulty of the school, and I would study with her, and gave her emotional support, which her family, friends, and herself thanked me immensely. About this time, we moved in together. I graduated last May, and she begged me to stay with her until she graduated in December. I promised her, but thanks to the economy, there were no jobs close-by (my fault, I shouldn't have). I found a job many states away, and after consulting advice from here, dearcupid.org, my family, and friends, I quit my minimum wage job at a grocery store, and took it. This really upset her, so I "attempted" a compromise; I drove 12 hours one way every other week to be with her for a few days, until she graduated, in 4 months. She didn't like me being away, but eventually accepted it.Now my mom and her have never gotten along, and at first, I felt my mom was having over expectations, with expectations such as she cook exotic meals (my mom is an amazing cook), do laundry, etc. Recently however, I feel my mom has been right, saying that my girlfriend is materialistic and is obsessed with her image. In fact, not even 2 months into our relationship, my girlfriend started asking me when I was going to marry her, and how she wants a certain kind of ring, an extravagant wedding, lots of kids, a house on the beach, etc. She really upset me in her last few months of school when she called me up crying about how all of her friends are getting engaged, but she wasn't: I've been trying to save up for her ring the last year and a half; I can't get a loan and I am already barely making it.She currently works a minimum wage job, but wanted a vacation, on a cruise. We couldn't afford it, I tried telling her, and we got in a very heated argument over it.Last week, after 6 months of searching (we both started while she was still in school...new grad nurse jobs are rare, contrary to popular belief) she finally found a job. She will make double what I make, honestly, I don't care about the salary. But then, not even having the job yet, that "materialistic side" of her that my mom says, I see, and she denies, started to come out."I want a new car, a bigger apartment, a flat screen TV, premium cable, a cruise, etc!" I told her that while she's free to do what she wants, she should start to pay off her school loans, and save some for the house she wants someday, as I have been doing. She corrected me by saying, "my loans are your loans too." When I said that she's starting to be selfish, she said in a bitch-like, sarcastic tone, I quote,(her sarcastic voice) "Yeah, I am selfish. Uh huh. I'm going to pamper myself as much as I want, when I want. If I want a facial or a nice purse, its my money, I can do what I want with it"I was so angry by this, along with our overall deteriorating relationship, I almost said that my mother was right, you're not the one for me, goodbye.Keep in mind, I have avoided drastically higher paying pilot jobs in the military and forest firefighting, for her fear that I may die. If I do stay with her, I feel I should quit my current job and join the military out of spite-a, I'd make just as much if not more than her (teach her a lesson), and b, because she doesn't want me in them anyway.Sorry about the very long read, but thanks for taking the time to listen and read this. What do you think I should do? Thanks for your input.
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (24 March 2011):
 Your girlfriend sounds rather immature. If you love someone you accept that, while they would love to give you all the things you want, it is not realistically possible.
You have made many major changes to please this woman. Do you feel she has appreciated all that you have done? Do you think she loves you for you, or for what you represent in terms of husband material?
You are on a great career path. You are working towards your goals. She does not sound like a person that will be patient enough to wait until your hard work pays off. She wants it all now. The fact that she is willing to ignore bills in order to indulge herself with facials, ,and the like, is a red flag. The fact that you are thinking of joining the military to "spite" her is also a red flag. You really need to sort out many things before even considering marrying this woman, because if you don't, you will end up divorced.
A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (24 March 2011):
 She definitely sounds spoiled and a little immature.
Although i think it is fairly common for a lot of people to take a big trip after they graduate as kind of a "spoil themselves" gift...
I definitely understand where you're coming from with the money perspective. I'm the same way. I would never take a trip if i felt i couldn't afford it and would work to pay off my debts as quick as I could.
My wife actually was a lot like this girl you describe, and I'll tell you...Over our years together I think i have rubbed off on her a bit, as she has learned to appreciate the value of money a bit more... but that selfishness never fully goes away..
My wife has even told me how frustrating she finds me because all the stuff she wants to do, she KNOWS i would never ask for.
I suppose it all comes down to how much patience you have for her.. How much you really love her....
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