A
female
age
51-59,
*essy
writes:How do I mend my broken heart? my husband left me 3 weeks ago for another woman he has been seeing on and off for years. will their relationship last i so want to see it spiral down the toilet. i can't sleep or eat my whole world has ended. i feel so angry now it is blinding me the pain inside will not go away. i had no idea of the affair and just came home to find him gone with just a note left. to top it all she is 13 years older than me. i still make the effort not let myself go did everything for him which i'm sure she wont do. what went wrong please help
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male
reader, mbill48  +, writes (12 March 2011):
Hi girl
Do this make him work for you. By that I mean make him work just like he had to do back then in the beginning. Play hard to get if he doesn’t let him go. Not too long but just enough a few weeks months you will know. I say this because life is strange. You will see and hear on this site and from friends that people don’t change. I think that is wrong.
Why because if other people don’t change that means we will never change. We know that is not true. So when people say that people don’t change they are basically not ever going to let them self’s grow well we know that is not correct So do what you need to, what makes you happy. One of my reply’s to my post was the best ever.
Time is not wasted if you spend it with the one you love. Do you love him? If you said YES go for it. But make him earn it. If you had to think let him go. It’s a very hard thing to do I’m still trying but you we can if we want to and need to
EE
A
female
reader, bessy +, writes (11 March 2011):
bessy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all your advice i do agree that their so called spark has gone out and that as soon as they were together everyday it was really lost. he tells me he misses everything about me just that it is so hard to leave right now with all the trouble it will cause. i know she is hard faced and vindictive but surely that is all the more reason to leave. he said he would never have left me had i been in at the time he went and that she presured him so much and was leaving her husband and going to shout her mouth offanyway. i am prepared to try to mend this relationship how can i do this do i wait for him to see sense or what i just cant move on at all
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Bessy, hun, this man is playing you. He gives u false hope and goes back to his lover.
I know u are hurt but why are u still social to him? Hasn't he hurt u enough already?
He tramps on your heart each time u see him and each time he gives u false hope.
My heart truly goes out to u but I dearly wish that u can be stronger, and firmer with him.
Ignore him and his words-they mean absolutely nothing. Just empty words from a cheater.
Love yourself bessy and do not settle for his scraps. U deserve so much better.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (10 March 2011):
 I'm glad you posted an update. You know we can't tell you what to do. I do think it is unfair of him to keep you dangling like this when he knows how torn up inside you are.
Why did he have this change of heart? Are things not working out with the other woman? Has the bloom fallen off the rose? Their relationship might have seemed exciting when he was living with you, but cheating with her. I am willing to bet that once he moved in it became just like every other relationship. No fireworks anymore.
I know you love him, but can you trust him? If you take him back will he break your heart again? I think it would be a real good idea to make marriage counseling a condition of taking him back. You two have some serious issue to work through.
In the last part of your post, are you saying that once he is ready to come back, you won't want him anymore? That is a possibility, especially if you have grieved the loss and gotten over it. You may not want to set yourself up for another round of heartache.
Take care,
TEM
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A
female
reader, bessy +, writes (10 March 2011):
bessy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionstil very hurt taking each day as it comes. see each other sometimes you can tell he never wants to go. he says he doesnt know what he wants his head is everywhere that i am a lovly special person and he sill loves me. what should i do cant let him go love him so much am prepared to give our marriage another go. how can i show him tha a few months down the line he will be begging me to take him back and it might be too late
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): People can have the capability to hurt each other with affairs because they've already been deeply hurt by their spouse to begin with (maybe the spouse has been abusive to them or constantly lying about big issues, or trapping them into marriage in the first place) but feel trapped in the marriage because society dictates that marriage is to be a life sentence. People stay on in marriages that they hate because they are conditioned to believe that you "can't" ever leave a marriage. Living this way weakens them when they meet someone new who is not a asshole to them, the thrill of being with someone who doesn't abuse them or lie to them or use them is just too overwhelming and that's how an affair can start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): It's understandable you're in shock.Did you really not see it coming AT ALL?? If he had been seeing this woman for years, and then finally left you, it means he was really unhappy with you or the marriage for a long time. He didn't just meet some new person and the novelty was too tempting. He actually had a relationship of some sort with this other woman. If he had/has a relationship with someone else for years, his heart could not have been in your marriage for that long. Surely this wasn't a complete and total shock to you. Even if you didn't know about his secret affair, surely you must have noted that he wasn't loving or affectionate toward you, and all that...those are red flags.I'm not saying you shouldn't be feeling the way you do, of course it's natural to feel anger at the betrayal, he did have an affair after all. That is unethical. He should have left you first if he was that unhappy, before looking for someone new. But either way he was going to leave you, because he wasn't happy in the marriage. Better that it happen now than after more years have been wasted under a delusion that what you and him had was real. It would be far worse if he stayed married to you and just continued cheating on you behind your back prolonging a dishonest fake marriage.It's just too bad that he was too much of a coward to tell it to your face instead of just leaving a note. Obviously he's afraid of confrontation. He was too coward to tell you long ago how unhappy he was so you had a chance to work on things or know the real truth of the state of the relationship. Instead he just pretended and kept his feelings hidden only to leave an impersonal note. What an ass.Don't waste your time and energy thinking about whether he is happy now or not. That will only drag you down and be an obstacle to your own happiness. Now you are free to find someone who will treat you better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): "How do I mend my broken heart?"Time and activity, live life, grieve, and accept the grief when it comes. Don't try to stamp it down."will their relationship last"Probably not, the statistics are terrible for cheaters that get together, almost all of these relationships fail. The problem is that they know they can't trust each other, they didn't have to when they were cheating, now they are together and they know what they have both done."i feel so angry now it is blinding me"Get help with a counselor. The process you are going to go through will last years."i had no idea of the affair"Those who trust the most, and are the least suspicious, are the ones who get hit the hardest. (I can relate, I've been there.)"what went wrong"It probably has nothing to do with you, trust me on that, but read some books on affairs and you will find that more true than not. It has everything to do with the person who has the affair, their psychological issues and needs and something they are not getting from the marriage for some reason.It is hard to believe when this happens, I found it hard to believe even after reading about it, even after a long time passed, even after my wife (who didn't leave for the other man) told me over and over and over that it wasn't anything to do with me, even after working with a marriage counselor for a year, even after my wife revealed huge emotional problems she'd been hiding for years.A good counselor can help you see the truth of your marriage, and can help you avoid reacting mindlessly to the affair and causing yourself more problems.
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A
female
reader, bessy +, writes (9 February 2011):
bessy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your answers. in this dark time i find myself questioning everything not really sure who i am or what i should do any more.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (9 February 2011):
 I know this may seem like an obvious answer, but there are a lot of great books and articles on the web that will give you great advice on moving on. Start looking around, at the least you will surely find many great things that directly relate to you. Everyone that is dealing with a break-up, or in your case a sudden and awful separation, has a long list of unique factors that contributed or have to be dealt with. So, it is going to be hard for anyone to tell you exactly what would be the best way for you to move forward.
To begin with, you MUST start doing new things, going to new places, and meeting new people (as friends for sure).
The more areas of your life and routine that you can change the better. Right now there are a million associations that will remind you of your relationship with your husband, and every time you encounter one you deal with intense pain. Songs, places you used to frequent, smells (the body soap in the shower, the candles in the loving room, the washing detergent), pictures, all constantly bringing up things you don't want to think about.
So, change as many of them as you can. Go to some new places for lunch, join a gym, take an art class, start a blog, throw out the soaps and get a new detergent.
Buy some new bed sheets, redecorate the kitchen, move around the furniture in the living room, find a new favorite flavored water and replace the old kind.
As for friends, try to focus on fostering friendships with people who didn't know you and your husband. And make some new friends. Contact friends you had from before you got married. It will be a long-term process making some new friends, so don't feel like you have to do it all at once.
And think about this. Regardless of why, you are now single and have no responsibility to someone else, So you can now pursue any of those old interests you had that you never ended up doing because someone else didn't like them, or didn't understand them. Did you ever think about being a dancer? Then why not, go take a dancing class! No one is gonna look at you weird when you get home in your tights.
Did you want a cat, but couldn't get one before? Go to the shelter tomorrow and rescue one.
The more things you change, the less often you will be reminded of things that bring you pain. And you have a new freedom that you will find a lot of fulfillment from pursuing.
Go to a wine tasting. Buy a pottery wheel. Find a new coffee shop and go twice a week. Get a bike and find a beautiful trail. Start making a list of movies you haven't seen, and start watching them. Do the same with books (only read them, don't watch them).
If you used to keep a journal, stop. If you didn't, start. Go find a music artist you have never listened to, and make them your new soundtrack.
It will not be fun for a while, but it will be infinitely better if you are not just sitting still and letting all of your thoughts and surroundings suffocate you.
Go get started on your life! Hope you start soon!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): The first thing and manly the only is that he DOESN’T deserve you. Do a search for the below on this site I think it will help. I’m a male and it totally helped me.10 Tips To Help You Get Over A Broken HeartEveryone will tell you that you will be ok or alright. I'm going to tell you that you won't be ok or alright YOU will be better then ever and better for the next man!!
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (8 February 2011):
That happened to me too. The woman he left me for was 13 years older than me as well. I was heartbroken and cried every day for a year. So, I know how hurt you are right now, and I am sorry.
You will feel awful for some time. You must accept that, but things will slowly get better. Right now you are in the pain & guilt stage. Google Stages of Grief to take a look at how the process goes. I'm afraid there are no shortcuts to getting over this. It will take as long as it takes, but you will feel happy again.
In the meantime, look to your friends and family for support. See a counselor if you think it would help. Be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong. You were wronged and one day you will see it that way.
I will tell you how things turned out for "us." Yes, he left me for a woman 13 years older than me. It took me two years to get over it, but then I met and married a wonderful man.
The guy that left me came crying on my doorstep, a couple of years ago. He wife is very old now. She is also not well. He feels trapped, like a caretaker. They haven't had sex in ten years, etc. etc. He said he never stopped thinking about me. He said if he could change one thing it would be leaving me, blah, blah, blah.
I listened and then told him to "go away." Do I feel bad for him? Of course not. I have no idea why he thought I would. He got what he deserved and your ex will too. Karma is a bitch.
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A
female
reader, NoControl +, writes (8 February 2011):
**COWARD** that is what he is!!! Find another man, a new hobby, new friends. Go out and occupy your mind and time with other things. He is pitiful!
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