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... Send *EM a private message | | | *EM's profile:I do think this site is a wonderful example of people helping people. I like the fact that you will get a variety of viewpoints in the answers here. It is then up to the poster to weigh them all when attempting to make an informed decision.
The questions I feel most qualified to answer are ones from adults ages 20 - 65. I feel too out of touch with teenage angst to be of much help, sorry to say.
If I feel I can be of help, I will provide an answer. I try to be as open minded and understanding as possible. What you will get from me is caring, constructive, advice, and occasionally a dash of wisdom from the school of hard knocks.
Here are my thoughts on some topics I discuss often:
Age Differences: Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule
How much older? How much younger? While you may enjoy the company of someone who is a lot older or younger than you, think hard about taking them as a life partner. There is an ancient rule called the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. It still works today. The older you get, the wider the age gap can be. It states: "if you halve your years then add seven, you'll have the youngest decent age for a partner; if you double your years then subtract seven, you'll have the oldest decent age for a partner.” For example, “30-year-old Jason waited for Zoe to turn 22, before he asked her out.” He knew she would be within the half-your-age-plus-seven year rule by then.
Contacting Old Flames
There are lots of ways to contact former first loves, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, husband and wives, today. If you are not in a committed relationship and you know the other person isn’t either, that’s okay. If either of you are in committed relationships, DO NOT DO IT. Sometimes these things start out innocently enough, but I can tell you from experience, 95% of these reconnections end very badly, and the other 5% create horrible collateral damage. The third party, the innocent husband or the wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, will be crushed. There was a reason you broke up with that person, or that person broke up with you, way back when. Sometimes people forget that when they are tripping down memory lane.
Dealing with a Broken Heart
When someone breaks up with you it hurts. Rejection always hurts. Expect to feel awful for a while. The amount of time it will take to get over the hurt depends on how much emotion and time you had invested in the relationship. Loss always takes time to grieve. How much time? Perhaps a minute or two for a lost piece of jewelry. Perhaps a year or two for a lost love. Some things you can do to help yourself:
*Change as much as you can change – Listen to new music. Go to new places. Rearrange your furniture. By new perfume, etc.
*Get some exercise – even if you don’t feel like it, get some fresh air.
*Spend time with people that lift you up. Avoid those that bring you down.
*Make new friends by pursuing your interests.
*Do not contact your ex or engage in revenge. You don’t want them to think you still care, do you?
*Living well is always the best revenge. Get on with your life and get happy again!
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Getting involved with married colleague??
Q. Hi, this is the first time I have used a forum for advice. I know a lot of people will judge me negatively but all constructive comments are really appreciated. I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 6 months. I love him very mu...
A. 10 March 2011: Honey, you have to choose. It's either your marriage or being single again. I wouldn't count on the married guy being there if you get divorced, as you don't know if he wants out of his marriage.
Also, wanting out and getting out are two differen... (read in full...)
Intense urge to have extra-marital affairs!!
Q. I don't have a great history with females. I have lacked confidence and have only had a sexual relationship with one woman. So far, I feel like I have missed out on this aspect of life. However, for the first time in my life, I feel more confident ...
A. 9 March 2011: I understand your dilemma, but an extramarital affair is not the answer. Affairs are not simple things, they ruin lives, and at this point in your life, with a wife and four children, you have a lot at stake.
It is not unusual to feel this way... (read in full...)
Getting involved with married colleague??
Q. Hi, this is the first time I have used a forum for advice. I know a lot of people will judge me negatively but all constructive comments are really appreciated. I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 6 months. I love him very mu...
A. 8 March 2011: I'd say you already are involved with him. What do you want to know? If it is possible to have your cake and eat it too, and if so, for how long? An office affair is a ticking time bomb.
You know the dangers involved. You could get caught, ... (read in full...)
I dated a jerk and my friends still think he is the best guy in the world...
Q. I think the guy I went out with was a sociopath: His whole life was a lie. Everyone believed it. It was the worst experience I have gone through. The first year of the relationship was fine. Then all of a sudden this guy turned into a monster. ...
A. 8 March 2011: Your friends only know one side of him. Do they know he cheated on you? It is a good thing you got out of this relationship. You don't really need to convince your friends, but if they want a reason, tell them you feel he greatly misrepresented ... (read in full...)
Am I imagining emotional abuse? I am so desperately confused! Please help!
Q. My husband (of 16 years) is an intelligent, kind man. He does not drink or abuse drugs. He is not violent. He does not gamble. I can see eyes rolling and people asking, "So, what's the problem?" We've been together 21 years in all, and it's con...
A. 8 March 2011: I read your entire post. You are NOT being ridiculous. If anything you are minimizing the problems you have with your husband and making excuses for much of his unacceptable behavior. It floors me that there would be "much, much, more."
The d... (read in full...)
He's married, has a kid and wants me to have his baby. Will he leave his wife?
Q. I met this guy who is 14 years older then me . we worked together. so we started to hang out togther to find out that his lives with his girlfriend for over 13 years and they have a 11year old together . but i could stop hang with him because he ...
A. 8 March 2011: He may love you, but I don't think he is going to leave. He is unemployed and needs this woman for support. I am not sure why he would want to have a baby with you, as he has no means with which to support your child.
If you have a baby by this ... (read in full...)
I forged a note from my head of subject and she found it! Now what?
Q. Oh dear, Please help me in massive state. I am doing my PGCE on second placement and getting a flat, so I needed a reference and I did something really stupid... I faked a letter on headed paper from my head of subject saying I was a dra...
A. 7 March 2011: Relax. You did not use the letter. You did not do the crime, you just thought about it. Unfortunately you put those thought on paper, but it is no worse. If she is your friend, she will realize this, especially since you asked her to write an actual ... (read in full...)
Is it too soon to ask her out?
Q. I met this girl last wednesday through a society and got to chatting with her on wednesday and thursday. I felt like we had a pretty fun time coss i was making her and her friends laugh alot (like I usually do). I think id say i was quite friendly ...
A. 7 March 2011: How else will you get to know her better? You are not asking her to marry you. You're just asking her out on a date. It's not too soon, and you have met her through a very good channel (she's not a stranger you met in a cafe, for example). It's ... (read in full...)
We broke up and she married someone else but I cant move on
Q. She was everything in my life.We had bben together more than 4 years.We planned to get married,but broke up.It was not my mistake or her mistake,we both were stupid.Now she got married and she moved on,but idid not and I can not forget her.Also I ...
A. 7 March 2011: You've heard the line, "The first cut is the deepest," right? You loved this woman very much, and at your age four years is a big chunk of your life. You will not forget her, but in time the hurt and longing that you feel will fade.
I will not... (read in full...)
Married couple and opposite sex friend
Q. Facts: I've been married to my wife for over 20 year. About 15 years ago, her female friend was dating someone? Back then we were had regular BBQ in my house. Her female friend broke relations a year later. My wife kept taking to them on a re...
A. 6 March 2011: I think you should show your wife this post. In it you have laid out all your concerns. Your list of concerns seem reasonable. If it were my husband doing this I would be concerned.
I could make assumptions about your wife's friend based on what ... (read in full...)
Why do I keep having unpleasant dreams and how can I get rid of them ?
Q. It bothers me a lot, I dream all sort of creepy stuff, like rats, mud, humidity, me being hated (in the dream), me being chased by horses, cows, me naked in public etc. I also have pleasant dreams, but in the end they turn out bad. I don't read i...
A. 6 March 2011: Yes, it would be a good idea to bring this up at your next session. You might want to keep what is called a dream journal. Just leave a notebook by your bed and jot down notes about the dream you are having as you wake. Those are the dreams we ... (read in full...)
Is he cheating or just stupid!
Q. Hi I hope you all can help me. I've been with my husband for 5 years. We had a very healthy sex life. 4 months before our wedding the sex decreased drastically. We've been married for 3 years and it has dwindled down to every few months and it's ...
A. 6 March 2011: There are many signs your husband's attention is not 100% in the marriage. I believe you are correct to assume he is involved with someone else. I am wondering why he is participating in marriage counseling, however. You say you can't let go, bu... (read in full...)
How to let go of hurt, pain and fear
Q. How do you move on after 13 years... Its just hard.. but the part that is hard for me is the unknown, and being alone. I love my husband but im not inlove with him and do not like who he has become or the neglect he has shown me over the past 10 ...
A. 6 March 2011: Facing the unknown after having been in a relationship is hard. The older you get the more frightening it seems, but it looks as if you have decided that striking out on your own is for the best. Thirteen years is a long time. You will not get... (read in full...)
Why do I keep having unpleasant dreams and how can I get rid of them ?
Q. It bothers me a lot, I dream all sort of creepy stuff, like rats, mud, humidity, me being hated (in the dream), me being chased by horses, cows, me naked in public etc. I also have pleasant dreams, but in the end they turn out bad. I don't read i...
A. 6 March 2011: I believe the circumstances in the dream are not really important. Dreams rarely make literal sense. It is how you feel in the dream that is important. You feel upset. There are lots of different theories as to the meaning of dreams. Some sa... (read in full...)
My girlfriend broke up with me twice. She's receiving counseling and takes full responsibility. Should I give it another shot?
Q. My girlfriend broke up with me, twice. The first time was like a weekend, I agreed to get back together. The second time, I was tired of being taken for a chump and that was that. It's been 3 months now. We've been talking a lot. She's been ...
A. 4 March 2011: If you have been talking to her and she has been coming over a lot, aren't you already kind of back together? Sounds as if you are getting along rather well now. However, the bottom line is, do you two love each other? If you honestly love her, a... (read in full...)
Husband's ex and children causing rift in our marriage
Q. I am married to a man who has children from previous relationship, his ex she has always trying to put the seeds for conflicts in our marriage, using her children as a tool. My husband he is a very kind father who wants everything good for his chil...
A. 4 March 2011: It sounds like your husband is torn between having a good relationship with his children and ex-wife and you. It doesn't sound like the ex-wife is making this any easier for him. It does not sound like there is another woman. Do you have family ... (read in full...)
I've had it with drinking
Q. my boyfriend of 10 months is a binge drinker, my mother was an alchoholic i dont want to end up the same, do i leave this man or stay with him, i do love him an he says he loves me, but it seems he loves the drink more...
A. 4 March 2011: As your mother was an alcoholic, you know how this ends, if it goes untreated. Why do you think you would end up an alcoholic, when it is your boyfriend that binge drinks? Is it that you are afraid your social drinking will turn into something ... (read in full...)
What happens to women who mainly look for money
Q. there are a lot of girls out there who are mainley looking for sugar daddies or guys with money and dont care about other things, are they gonna get hurt in the end? also, does this mean they have given up on love?...
A. 4 March 2011: Money has always been attractive. My own mother use to say, "It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man." Just because someone marries another with money, doesn't necessarily mean they don't love them. However, when ... (read in full...)
I want to see my old friend but her husband won't let her.
Q. OK, I normally post about one situation, but finally I would like to ask something new! I have a long-time friend. We dated when we were in college. This was 16 years ago. We were friends first, then we became romantically involved for a f...
A. 3 March 2011: I don't think you are going to like my answer, but yes, her husband's actions are understandable. Let's deal with that one first.
Do you have romantic feelings for this woman? Does she have romantic feelings for you? If either of you feel thi... (read in full...)
I have a phobia of sex.
Q. i have a phobia of sex and cant sleep with a man at all. im very loney as i cant have sex so a relationship will not work out and i am scared to give birth so will never have any children. i have no idea why this is because nothing bad has ever ...
A. 3 March 2011: I think you have a phobia. I don't know which one, however. These thoughts are irrational, and it sounds as if they are interfering with your well being (you won't go to the OBGYN doctor). Please make an appointment with a competent therapist. I ... (read in full...)
I'm afraid of giving up my affairs...help!
Q. when i split up from my marriage i started going out immediately with an old girlfriend( i know i should have waited) and the relationship was good initially but i was carrying a lot of anger from my marriage which ended badly. The new relationship ...
A. 2 March 2011: No, you do not sound like a waste of space, but you do sound like a guy that wants to have his cake and eat it too. In order for you to work this problem out, you are going to have to think about people other than yourself.
You are afraid it won't... (read in full...)
Is it understandable to feel hurt?
Q. I have recently broke off an affair. Definitely the best decision but hurts like hell. Only been shy of a month. He is already seeing someone else. Is it understandable to feel hurt?...
A. 2 March 2011: Are you hurt because you broke up, or are you hurt because he was able to move on so quickly, or both? Yes, it is normal to feel hurt under these circumstances. It will take as long as it takes for you to get over this. Breakups hurt. People ... (read in full...)
How to make it past 3 months?!
Q. About to hit our 3 month dating mark - I haven't made it past the 3 month mark in 5 years, I'm nervous and trying hard not to show it. I'm the polar opposite of his ex (of 17 yrs) whom he chased for a year, lived with and tried to marry but she wa...
A. 2 March 2011: It sounds as if you do not think he is completely over it yet. If he is dating you, and wants to be exclusive, chances are he is over her. Try not to be so insecure about that. If you blow it at all, it will be for that reason. I'm sure he ... (read in full...)
My first breakup...Is feeling this bad normal?
Q. I have just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 6 1/2 yrs and it hurts like hell. There has been many different problems for months and months some fixable some not but when we tried talking about the problems I knew it was over, it's hard to ...
A. 2 March 2011: I know how you feel. When I was your age I had to break up with my boyfriend of 5 years. It was either get married or break up. I could not marry him, so we broke up, and I was heartbroken and so was he.
I did love this man, but we didn't w... (read in full...)
Do people marry for love or to just settle down?
Q. hey all, well my question is a bit weird. Im 27 years of age and single.In my lifetime, I have had relationships with 3 guys who I felt strong enough about to want to spend the rest of my life with. However, these relationships didnt work out. Ive ...
A. 2 March 2011: Well, hopefully people marry for both reasons - they are in love and they think this person will make a good life partner. If you don't have both ingredients the marriage is likely to fail.
The "in love" stage doesn't last more than two years. ... (read in full...)
Used and dumped by supposed 'good woman'. How do I get over it?
Q. how to forget and move on in my life after the deviation of being used for five years by a 'good woman' and then dumped. ...
A. 2 March 2011: You sound hurt. That is the normal reaction to a breakup. After five years you have a lot of emotion invested in a relationship. You will have to grieve that loss, which is a bit like grieving a death, before moving on.
I wish I could tell you... (read in full...)
I know he'll eventually get the message but I feel cruel!
Q. ok I have ceased contact with the man i was having an affair with, just stopped, he keeps txting me worried if im ok and asking to meet ive been ignoring these txts, am I doing the right thing, I know he will eventually get the message but I feel ...
A. 2 March 2011: This is the price of an extramarital affair. You are afraid he will tell your husband, and your marriage will end, if you tell your lover that it is over. However, your silent treatment is not working. Your lover isn't getting the message.
I'm a... (read in full...)
Inappropriate contact with my boss but I need this job! Help!
Q. Please help me! I'm 27 and my boss 60 years old. I just joined this company 6 months ago.My boss started talking to me sex related stories........and almost everyday he told me want to smooch me.........but I refused but one day I cannot control my ...
A. 2 March 2011: Where I am from they call that sexual harassment in the workplace. However, it might not be that different from where you come from as doing something about, even in the USA, it is very difficult.
Apart from the fact that it is wrong for a 60-yea... (read in full...)
What is the etiquette for a married woman's behavior in party situations where her husband isn't present?
Q. What is the etiquette for a married woman's behavior in party situations where her husband isn't present? My wife just returned from a trip with some girlfriends to Atlantic City. While there she won a bunch of money playing a game that she di...
A. 1 March 2011: Gambling etiquette is different from other kinds of social etiquette. When a man (or woman) bets behind you they are not spending the money on you. They are hoping to cash in on what they perceive as your good luck. Women are often thought to... (read in full...)
Should I leave my wife? I'm more comfortable with my girlfriend!
Q. I have a rather lengthy question I will try to keep short.. I have been married for 4 years and I have began having an affair with a girl 17 years my jr.. My wife is 10 years my jr.. I feel like I really love this other woman.. I have been open...
A. 1 March 2011: Wow. This is a lot to process. There are so many issues, I don't know where to begin. Okay, first about your marriage. You should tell your wife you have been sleeping with someone that has been promiscuous. You are playing with her life (and ... (read in full...)
2 months into my marriage and I'm already depressed!
Q. I'm so depressed. I'm 30years old and got married to a 65 year old 2months ago. We dated for 3years online, however i've visited and lived with him for a period of 3months condensed. This guy is weird- he has no friends at all, he doesn't watch tv ...
A. 1 March 2011: It seems that any time spent with him is not very pleasant for you. I know you have gotten yourself into a pickle by getting pregnant, but how long do you think you will actually be able to live like that?
Judging by the tone of your post, I ... (read in full...)
Am I just his second choice?
Q. I reconnected with an old boyfriend I dated 25 years ago. When we reconnected at the time, he was dating someone from another country. He ended it when we started dating. We have been living together for 6 months now and I have been raising his 3 ...
A. 1 March 2011: I think "her" is the girlfriend that he was going out with that lives in another country. It appears that he never broke it off with her, but he told you he had. You know this is not good news. I am sorry this is happening to you. I know he ... (read in full...)
I can't control my feelings towards my brother-in-law!
Q. I have a Huge crush on my hb brother. I don't know what it is about him he just makes me go crazy. We don't flirt much,but we always catch eachother staring @ eachother. I don't want to have an affair w/him because I'm against it. I can't help my ...
A. 1 March 2011: You know you are playing with fire, right? If you take up with your brother-in-law you will lose your marriage and the respect of your family. You may end up completely alone. Think about that the next time your eyes meet.
If the brother-... (read in full...)
I married my husband but I still think on my ex
Q. I had a boyfriend that I loved so much we were together for 6 years and I gave him my virginity. I was young but I loved him so, but he use to be so controlling and very very jealous, that even though it broke my heart I broke up him. There was not ...
A. 1 March 2011: No, you did not make a mistake in marrying a man that would make a good life partner. Nor did you make a mistake in breaking up with a man who smothered you with his love and controlled you with his jealousy.
I'm going to go out on a limb her... (read in full...)
His drinking is ruining my relationship
Q. My boyfriend of 1 year is a heavy drinker - most days 1 bottle or more of wine (on his own, I don't drink) and worse at weekends. I didn't know this initialy, only after we started living together. He has a good job. I suspect he is a high ...
A. 1 March 2011: He needs help. He is self medicating himself with alcohol. If he visits a therapist, he will be able to get to the root of the problem and learn how to deal with stress without alcohol.
You sound like you already know the answer to your que... (read in full...)
Should I reconcile with my husband?
Q. I separated from my husband almost 3 years ago there were lots of issues, I met someone else but he was married long story short he is still married and whenever I broach the subject of us being together I always get the same line I.e he has no ...
A. 1 March 2011: Absolutely. You should end your relationship with the married man ASAP. In this relationship you are the other woman and he is using you. He will never leave his wife and three children.
In kind, you have turned your husband into "the other ma... (read in full...)
He married me for citizenship!
Q. The man I married is not who I thought he was since he is now in the states. We have had our ups and downs and I felt just trying to get use to each other since being apart for so long, but after 9 months of being in the states when he and I have a ...
A. 1 March 2011: Oh my, this is awful. You must be hurt, angry, and God knows what else. Right now your feelings are raw and it must be hard for you to think straight. Even so, it looks like you need to take action.
You must contact a lawyer so that you are taki... (read in full...)
Why am I not married yet?
Q. While I wait and hoping to marry someday, as to I'm in my mid 30's, seems have decline. Next thing I knew, everyone asked, why am I not married?? I want to tell them, I'm ugly, miserable bitch that nobody want. All I could said, I don't have the ...
A. 28 February 2011: Your issues are beyond the scope of an advice column such as this one. I do not think English is your first language or that you are from the United States, so I'm unsure as how to advise you.
My opinion is that you need professional help to ... (read in full...)
I've never had a relationship and I've always used escorts. Would it be fair of me to have a real relationship?
Q. Dear All, I am having a complex problem as of now and need you to give me some advice. Let me first give you a brief summary about myself. I am a 28 year old moderately successful man. I was born in poverty and learnt the hard lesson of life qui...
A. 28 February 2011: Why are you so hard on yourself? No, you are not gross. You are a well educated, successful, professional. It's not weird, or stupid, to crave an emotional connection with a woman. In fact, it's a basic human need (according to Maslow). You ... (read in full...)
We're on a break, the no contact is driving me nuts
Q. My girlfriend and i have been dating now for almost 3 years we have an apt together and just recently she said she cant handle me not making her happy.. so we are taking a break and i thought she didnt love me anymore but i went over there and all ...
A. 28 February 2011: Have you tried to email her? If you sent her a letter telling her how you feel, she might give you another chance.... (read in full...)
How do I find out if they are into me for who I am or for my money?
Q. Hi I'm bisexual. How can I find out if a woman or man's into me because of who I am or because I'm financially wealthy and is there a difference between women and mens thoughts about my financial weath and whether those thought effect his or her ...
A. 28 February 2011: I think it is going to be difficult for you to obtain helpful answers from this site. Not because it isn't a true dilemma, but because most people won't be able to relate to the problems of a wealthy bisexual woman. I honestly don't know what ... (read in full...)
I'm fed up of feeling sorry for myself, but cant seem to forget about him! Help!
Q. This isn't a question. I am just going through a difficult patch and was wondering if anyone had any advice. I fell in love with a guy towards the end of last year (October/November time). He made it very clear that he didn't want anything se...
A. 28 February 2011: Even though he told you up front that he didn't want anything serious, you fell in love with him. You can't stop thinking about him because you are grieving the loss of what might have been. That is a legitimate loss. It sounds like, to you, he ... (read in full...)
We're on a break, the no contact is driving me nuts
Q. My girlfriend and i have been dating now for almost 3 years we have an apt together and just recently she said she cant handle me not making her happy.. so we are taking a break and i thought she didnt love me anymore but i went over there and all ...
A. 26 February 2011: Why don't you let her read what you have written here? You are expressing your love for her very well. If you can write so strongly about your feelings for her in this post, I am unsure why you cannot show her in person.
If she has all your pic... (read in full...)
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