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| Latest articles: An insight about loneliness and relationships
This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
6 September 2011: I recently had an insight (at least an insight for me) into loneliness and relationships which I thought I would share here on DC to bounce off other agony aunts and uncles and those who consult them. Recently I was contacted again by a woman...
A view of retroactive jealousy
This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
19 June 2011: There are many posts on this site about people tormented by retroactive jealousy. I would like to offer a perspective on its real causes and how to deal with it. For those who don't know, retroactive jealousy (RJ) is the feeling of intense envy ...
The myth of "best friends" of the opposite sex
This question has 16 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
20 February 2011: OK, I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this (assuming anyone read this) but from my experience and observation I believe that a heterosexual man and woman who claim to be "best friends" without any romantic feelings...is a myth. Almost al...
Reality versus Illusion
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
22 January 2011: In reflecting upon a relationship I had with a girl last year, I think a source of the many problems I had was my confusion of the illusion I had of her and what our relationship was with the reality. I thought I would relate a little bit about it ...
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I need to know how important is it to guys that your Gf/wife is a virgin? And why?
Q. I was just curious... Does it really matter to guys that the girl they want to marry or want to spent the rest of their lives with is a virgin or not??? I mean I don't see the reason why this has to be a big issue with couples.... For me all I ever ...
A. 25 June 2011: I see only women have responded so far. Although they are wise and insightful women, I will give my personal perspective as a man. I do see the beauty and special quality of having a wife who is a virgin. There truly is something special about sh... (read in full...)
How can I tell the difference between a nice friend and a guy who wants more?
Q. Hey everyone, I'm currently 20 years old and still unsure of men/relationship stuff so I thought this site was perfect to ask something that's been on my mind for a while. I've been friends with this guy for about two years now, but its only bee...
A. 25 June 2011: It sounds like it's pretty clear that you like him as more than just a friend. And it also sounds like there is a lot to base a relationship on: you're intellectually compatible, you enjoy each other's company, and it sounds like you have shared ... (read in full...)
I am stuck in a relationship that I want to end!
Q. why Cant i end it? My gf has cheated on me three times she has lied to me and when i finally got to ending it she started telling me she loved me. I still care for her. Though i have told her Im not taking any more crap which appears to make her...
A. 25 June 2011: Talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words. You've given her 3 chances. In my opinion, 3 strikes and you're out. Most people would have left after one instance of cheating, and you've given her three! You've no choice but to leave her ... (read in full...)
Why would he be interested in me? He could probably get any girl he wanted
Q. Hiya guys! im hoping someone will be able to help me. Ok well i am a 20 year old uni student and I have been single for about a year now. Recently I was hurt by a guy who i thought really liked me but ended up just using me. After that i was a bit...
A. 24 June 2011: You are right to be cautious. "Players" do exhibit some signs as the guy you are describing: they are charming, they use a lot of flattery, and they have so many girls going at the same time, they can't keep appointments.
The real way to know is ... (read in full...)
Are there people who don't want relationships?
Q. Are there people out there, or do you know of any, that don't want relationships? I know of people who don't want children, but even they want a relationship. But are there someone who don't even seek companionship beyond friendship? I'm not t...
A. 21 June 2011: Yes, I knew someone like this. She flirted with men, even got sexual with them, but when they wanted more, she declined. Somehow she did not want a relationship.
I think it's like relationship_master below said. She viewed relationships as getti... (read in full...)
She wants to be friends but I like her; what should I do?
Q. I need to move on and fast because I love my neighbor but she loves me as a brother and since we live a minute away from each other I want to stay friends but its hard because I have feelings for her. Yesterday was terrible I was staying with her ...
A. 21 June 2011: A couple things here:
One reason you say you want to remain friends with her is for something "to happen down the road." As many people on this site will tell you, and I think rightly, when girls see you as a friend, it is very hard to break th... (read in full...)
Lies, lies. Should I cut him of my life for lying? Or can he change?
Q. I recently dumped my beloved boyfriend and eventually friend, because he has a bad habit of lying. He doesn't just lie when he needs to in pressure, but he just randomly lies about the most craziest things. Things that aren't important whats soo ...
A. 20 June 2011: You got some great responses here. I just wanted to add that I agree that lying about even small things is a BIG problem in a relationship because, as has been said many times, trust is the foundation of any relationship, friends or romantic.
... (read in full...)
Girlfriend/Boyfriend Loosing/lost Interest
Q. The Views posed in this article are controversial. Read with discression. Women and men are guilty of pushing thier views on to the other person and putting restrictions on the things they would normally do when single. The biggest one is. ...
A. 19 June 2011: Have to agree that Odds' arguments are spot-on. Really liked the clarity of your reply and the thoughts expressed. It's true: restrictions at first blush seem confining and deadening, but in truth they carve out a space where we feel safe and can ... (read in full...)
He's cancelling plans at the last minute. Can I trust him? We are dating but not official.
Q. We planned to hang out on friday this whole week, and even talked about it last thing on thursday night. He wanted me to go at 7 after his basketball game, i said i can make it at 8 or 9. He said thats fine. And friday afternoon he called and said i ...
A. 19 June 2011: It is indeed very frustrating and disappointing to get a cancellation at the last minute from someone you looked forward to see. But the title of this post is misleading: according to your post, he is not continually canceling plans; it was just ... (read in full...)
Is guy I am dating for 2 months moving too fast when he says he wants a wife, not a gf?
Q. 2 months old bf said he's looking for a wife ..not just a gf. Should I be worried?? We're both in our early 30's. Do you think he's moving too fast or he just knows what he wants in our relationship ? Please advice....
A. 18 June 2011: If your boyfriend is only 2 months old, then, yes, he is certainly moving too fast when he says he wants a wife. At 2 months old, he still poops in his diapers, so how could he be thinking about marriage? Just kidding! It depends upon the culture... (read in full...)
Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse
Q. Lately, there have been a lot of posts relating to relationships that are going wrong because of Emotional Abuse (EA). There are often obvious signs of abuse such as shouting, use of cruel words, lack of love/affection, use of guilt etc. However, ...
A. 17 June 2011: Nice work in pointing out the more subtle signs of abuse.
Your 3rd sign, Stonewalling, is very interesting, and one I have never seen written about.
I'd just like to add one: the "Pity Card". This is where one partner manipulates the other su... (read in full...)
Women: Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Q. Warning:(The following contains broad generalizations to illustrate a point, there are no rules nor concrete all encompassing truths in what I write, there are always exceptions. This applies to men too) I've been on this site for a while now and ...
A. 13 June 2011: Very well expressed.
A picture is indeed worth a thousand words. And talk is cheap.
It's always refreshing to hear this though.
... (read in full...)
Women: Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Q. Warning:(The following contains broad generalizations to illustrate a point, there are no rules nor concrete all encompassing truths in what I write, there are always exceptions. This applies to men too) I've been on this site for a while now and ...
A. 13 June 2011: Very well expressed.
A picture is indeed worth a thousand words. And talk is cheap.
It's always refreshing to hear this though.
... (read in full...)
My BF gave a girl a wedgie and I got upset. Was I wrong?
Q. Is it ok for me to get upset that my boyfriend gave 1 of his friends that are girls a wedgie? I know its sounds kinda stupid but i don't like that he put his hands down her pants an touched her underwear and pulled em up?...
A. 8 June 2011: If your bf was 35+ and gave a girl a wedgie, that would be great cause for concern. If he's 18, yeah, it's still kinda immature, but more understandable.
I can understand your feelings, though. It's a little too close for comfort, physical... (read in full...)
After graduating from college I'm really lost!
Q. This is most likely off topic but I'll try anyway considering it's a forum... I'm really depressed with my life right now. I got a degree in journalism and tried to pave a path to law school. Then I realized the hard truth of how the LSAT determi...
A. 3 June 2011: First of all, you are young, and you still have some time to find what you would like to do for a career, so do not despair.
The real question, which you have not addressed in your post, is what would you LIKE to do?
I think most people will... (read in full...)
I get so frustrated about my bf's habit of walking away from our arguments!
Q. Is it a bad thing to walk away from a fight? Or an argument? Instead of staying around and sort things out? My boyfriend and I ended up in an argument, where his final response was that he couldn't say anything right because it seems I get hurt...
A. 25 May 2011: He's frustrated and he feels he's not getting though to you. I don't know if men do this more than women, but I know I have done this in the past, when I felt that no matter what I said, there was no use in continuing talking because we weren't ... (read in full...)
Need to break ties with a non-trustworthy friend...
Q. I believe it is time I cut ties with an old friend of mine. We have been friends for about 7 years, and lived together twice. Even though we get in some very heated arguements I would like to end things on good terms. Her morals are very differe...
A. 24 May 2011: I personally found that, when I was in a situation like this, the best thing for me was to slowly break ties. Do it all of a sudden--"cold turkey"--was just too much for me. I first took time in returning calls and emails. Then I stopped seeing her ... (read in full...)
What do you think about open relationships?
Q. Hello there, I would just like to ask people what they think of open relationships.. Do they really ever work? Interested to hear about experiences and or opinions of any type of open relationship. Are there certain conditions under which they wor...
A. 22 May 2011: Calling such an arrangement an "open relationship" to me is a gross and crass description.
A real open relationship is where both people are able to be "open" with each other--emotionally, intellectually and physically.
A relationship whe... (read in full...)
Is he trying to tell me something by taking longer and longer between when he calls me on the phone?
Q. actually i do not know whether my boy friend is ignoring me or not. Things have gone from bad to worse. We only get to call each other. Before he was calling whenever he found time for me, but now he never calls me until a long time has gone by....
A. 20 May 2011: YEs, either consciously or not, he is pulling away from you.
I suggest confronting him directly and asking what is going on, rather than his playing games with you.... (read in full...)
Girlfriend gets upset if I don't call when I say I will
Q. My girlfriend of 8 months gets upset if I don’t call when I say I will. Sometimes I say I’m going to call, then something will come up or work will get busy. Then I call later. What’s the big deal?...
A. 11 May 2011: From her perspective, she is waiting for your call. If you said that you would call at, say, 5 PM, she made sure to set aside that time to talk to you. So when you don't call at that time, it's like she made that effort for nothing.
Also, there ar... (read in full...)
Why do privileged kids seek out the worst society has to offer?
Q. American society is so degenerated that regardless if you have money to keep your kids in private schools and middle class neighborhoods they will still find drugs, engage in criminal activity, and hang around the wrong people. I HAVE SEEN IT! ...
A. 6 May 2011: Good question. I think it's because America is a consumerist society. The message sent to young people is that the purpose of life is success, so you can have the things you want and do the things you want. Ultimately, this message boils down to ... (read in full...)
I found out my fiance was promiscuous and now I don't want to marry her!
Q. dear cupid should i go through with the wedding my fiancee just told me she was promiscuous when younger.i find that to be a turn off i wish she had being honest at the begining like i was i told her i was a virgin by choice and religious ...
A. 29 April 2011: I don't agree with Maverick below where he questions the importance of virginity. I do believe it is meaningful for a marriage. But I do agree with Maverick about questioning whether it is worth throwing out a relationship over this.
I think th... (read in full...)
I am feeling devastated by the Tornado in Alabama. Can people please just keep us in their thoughts?
Q. I am feeling devastated by the Tornado in Alabama. We got completely leveled today by the tornadoes. Just asking for people's thoughts and prayers for the state of Alabama. Lots of people lost their homes too, and their lives. just please keep us i...
A. 28 April 2011: You are the first person I have heard who has been hit by this. It's a terrible thing. I will certainly keep you in my prayers. Thank you for posting.... (read in full...)
Is everyone out there obsessed with money? Do people revolve their entire lives around it?
Q. I just wanted to come on this site to vent. I can honestly not believe how much MONEY changes people. Is EVERYONE out there obsessed with money? Do people revolve their entire lives around it? I've always worked for wages my entire life and ...
A. 27 April 2011: The more you dig deep into most things, the more you will find greed, thirst for power and corruption at the center.
It shocked me at first too when I realized it about 10 years ago: most people really do base their lives upon lust for money, powe... (read in full...)
Can't get this boy off my mind, even though I barely know him. Is it possible to truly like someone without knowing them?
Q. There's this guy who goes to my school that I really like but barely know. Basically, whenever I'm not in school I miss him so much that it always gets to the point of me crying my eyes out or lashing out at my family. Everything I do makes me think ...
A. 25 April 2011: If you barely know him, then you are likely in love with an idealized image of him. You have a crush or infatuation.
This is a good start and motivator for a relationship, but you need to be careful because reality is much more complex than your... (read in full...)
How do you know if people are hurting on the inside?
Q. Is it true someone who can look so happy and confident be feeling depressed or lonely inside? I wondered this because i was watching this film that showed a girl who was beautiful, fun loving had great friends and family.... But when she would write ...
A. 25 April 2011: There is a famous old poem called Richard Corey by Edward Arlington Robinson about this. It goes like this:
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favoured an... (read in full...)
How close can a guy be with a female friend, when in a committed relationship with another girl?
Q. How close can a guy be to him female friends when in a committed relationship with a girl? What are the things that a boyfriend can and cannot do with female friends when he is committed to someone?...
A. 23 April 2011: I wrote an article called "The Myth of Best Friends of the Opposite Sex" for this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-myth-of-best-friends-of-the-opposite.html OK, it wasn't picked up by the New York Times Opinions page, but it got ... (read in full...)
How can you tell if a guy only wants sex or does he really care about you?
Q. Hi guys. Can you tell me how you know a guy only wants to sleep with you? Are there signs, things he does, says, etc. that shows you he only wants sex with you? And if he really cares about you as a person and has feelings for you besides the...
A. 22 April 2011: I think one good way of getting a clue as to whether he likes you for you or just for sex is to ask him: "What do you like about me?" If he likes you, and if he is at all expressive, he will be able to tell you some things that ring true. But i... (read in full...)
Are the differences between my bf and me too much for us to work out?
Q. Hi there, i've got a real issue and i need as much help as you can give me! Me and my boyfriend are on the verge of breaking up. We love each other loads and used to be head over heels and really happy. But recently we've been arguing all the time ...
A. 22 April 2011: OK, you may not like what I am gonna say, but here is my opinion: It seems you love him mostly because...he loves you. You have described things he DOES for you, but you have not talked about who he IS as a person or what you share. Strong... (read in full...)
Are the differences between my bf and me too much for us to work out?
Q. Hi there, i've got a real issue and i need as much help as you can give me! Me and my boyfriend are on the verge of breaking up. We love each other loads and used to be head over heels and really happy. But recently we've been arguing all the time ...
A. 22 April 2011: The question is, I think, what do you have in common and share? You've told us you love him but didn't tell us why. And then you only told us the bad stuff.
Explain the stuff that binds you together and then we'll make a decision!... (read in full...)
I hate to end a relationship over texting but I dont' know what to do anymore!
Q. This is a really random question, but I've been dating my girlfriend for about two years now, and I'm not a big cell phone person. I believe that when you're in the company of other people, be it friends or especially your significant other, the ...
A. 21 April 2011: I can't add much to what's been said--I agree with all of it. It's rude, it shows a lack of ability to be present in the here and now, and a general dependence on constant stimulation.
The only thing I would try to do before breaking up with her... (read in full...)
Marry former porn actress?
Q. There is an organisation for former porn actresses called Pink Cross. These women now won´t have sex any more before married. The question is: Would you have married a former porn actress if you knew she had quit porn and now take distance from this ...
A. 21 April 2011: Despite the fact that I am also sexually conservative, yes, I would potentially date or marry a former porn actress if she had truly changed and distanced herself from the industry. It's very hard to change--and if a woman who has been through that ... (read in full...)
Want him to think I'm a virgin
Q. {Moderator note: two questions combined} Okay i just wanna know , i lost my virginity about two year ago since then i havent had sex ,it was against my religion and culture to do that .Im due to get marrid in 2 months will i be tight i know i wont b...
A. 17 April 2011: Just wondering: why is it you want so badly for him to think you are a virgin? Is it because you think he will reject you if he finds out otherwise?
I think entering into a relationship with feeling you have to pretend you are someone you are not ... (read in full...)
My husband and I are Jewish, how do we go for a traditional Catholic wedding without feeling uncomfortable??
Q. My husband and I are Jewish. A very good friend of ours is getting married - and having a traditional Catholic with a full mass and communion. The problem is that we are not comfortable being in a Catholic church / mass. There is nothing in our ...
A. 16 April 2011: Well, the truth is that according to Orthodox Judaism, there is a problem with being inside a church.
But if you are not Orthodox and that is not the main issue, then I would say that yes, you can just be a spectator and not participate. ... (read in full...)
I can't trust my b/f, he doesn't trust me...so now what?
Q. So me and my boyfriend have been going out over a year at first it was great and now its all starting to go down hill. I can't trust him because he would always hang out with another girl and do things for her and I find out and when I confront him ...
A. 14 April 2011: If there is no trust, there is no future for the relationship, simple as that.
How to build trust? Trust comes from honesty, reliability and communication. However, you both have to be willing partners. If one person is honest and the other is... (read in full...)
The more sexy the woman the more likely she filters for sucessful men?
Q. For women. The more attractive the woman, the more likely she filters for successful men? Or does it just turn out that those men just happen to be more (or become more) successful than average?...
A. 14 April 2011: It's a good question. My inclination is to say yes, that generally--in Westernized, capitalistic, secular society--the more attractive the woman the more she will look for a successful man, since the successful man is defined by that society as the ... (read in full...)
Calling friends pet names?
Q. Hi. I was wondering do you think the calling your friends pet names (baby, sweetie, honey etc) destorys the intimacy of a relationship and or the meaning of the words?...
A. 12 April 2011: It's like everything else: if you overuse them or use them when you don't mean them, they lose their meaning. Then when you do need them, they will sound hollow.
For example, if you call everyone "darling" or "my love" then when you really m... (read in full...)
BF is upset because I won't pick him up at the airport. Is he being unreasonable?
Q. My boyfriend is flying into town to close on his house on Monday at night, and will be here until Friday. I have class Monday until 9pm and he expects me to pick him up at the airport after class even though his flight gets in at 7pm and i have ...
A. 10 April 2011: If this incident is an isolated one, then I think he is being unreasonable. It is perfectly understandable that even though you may be excited to see him, there are practical concerns that get in the way. You should not be expected to jeopardize ... (read in full...)
If he was not inestrested in me why flirt?
Q. can you read someone wrong ? we have know each other for a few months . we have flirt an he has come over an jst stared at me . at first i thought he was just being nice . then he keep flirting with me he winks came over a hugged me put his hands ...
A. 10 April 2011: I once asked a question about this. To me flirting should ideally mean one and only thing: that you are interested in the person you are flirting with. Unfortunately, many people like to flirt for many other reasons. This could be to see if they ... (read in full...)
I'm so torn. She flirts 24.7. I really care about her. Is there any way to deal with this instead of breaking up?
Q. what should i do? i have been with this girl for nearly a year, she's my first everything, and i love her so much. I honestly do care about her. she feels the same way and we always talk about how we want a future together. we never fight or ...
A. 9 April 2011: You are right in your analysis that she needs guys in her life, and Abella is right that she is getting a serious buzz from this. For whatever reason, she needs this attention and this feeling of control, power and influence over guys.
You a... (read in full...)
I am secretly dating my cousin. Now her sister is threatening to tell our family about it unless we have sex with her, too!
Q. Ok, My cousin and I have been dating for close to a year without either of our families knowing or finding out. But just recently, her younger sister came forward to us about knowing about our relationship. She's threatening to tell our respective ...
A. 8 April 2011: Um...I am pretty sure the unanimous answer to this will be "no".
OK, in some areas, dating a cousin would not be considered incest. But in ALL areas, your cousin/gf having sex with her sister is DEFINITELY incest.
Address the issue of telling... (read in full...)
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