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... Send *hawncaff a private message | | | *hawncaff's profile:I found this site by accident when I was looking for support in a difficult situation. I felt confused and trapped and very depressed. People on this board were very helpful--particularly one person--and I decided to stay to both learn and give back whatever I have learned.
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| Latest articles: An insight about loneliness and relationships
This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
6 September 2011: I recently had an insight (at least an insight for me) into loneliness and relationships which I thought I would share here on DC to bounce off other agony aunts and uncles and those who consult them. Recently I was contacted again by a woman...
A view of retroactive jealousy
This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
19 June 2011: There are many posts on this site about people tormented by retroactive jealousy. I would like to offer a perspective on its real causes and how to deal with it. For those who don't know, retroactive jealousy (RJ) is the feeling of intense envy ...
The myth of "best friends" of the opposite sex
This question has 16 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
20 February 2011: OK, I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this (assuming anyone read this) but from my experience and observation I believe that a heterosexual man and woman who claim to be "best friends" without any romantic feelings...is a myth. Almost al...
Reality versus Illusion
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
22 January 2011: In reflecting upon a relationship I had with a girl last year, I think a source of the many problems I had was my confusion of the illusion I had of her and what our relationship was with the reality. I thought I would relate a little bit about it ...
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I have had a lucky escape from this relationship. So why do I feel so bad?
Q. I recently split up from a man, still in the very very early stages of a relationship because he shared some information about himself that made me scared to get involved with him. He said he had been very damaged by his abusive upbringing and now ...
A. 21 February 2011: It is no surprise that you are hurting. It is a big disappointment that after the initial stages of hope and expectation, you realized he was not for you (and it sounds like you made a very wise choice).
I think the key statement you made here is ... (read in full...)
I care about this girl. So why am I questioning her sincerity?
Q. I'm not very experienced at relationships, since i've only been in two. This one being my second. My first gf and I lasted a few months, and now i'm on the 2nd month, with my new girlfriend. I do everything right, i treat her the best, tell her...
A. 21 February 2011: A couple things I don't get:
Why did she not come out of the car to see you? Why did she just wait there?
Why was she upset that she didn't see you?
I hope she is not playing with you. I think you should clarify these things with her AS... (read in full...)
Is an intimate relationship worth all the arguments and heartache that come with it?
Q. It's me again. I have a complex question here. I know that not everyone will like what I am going to ask. My question is...Is an intimate relationship really worth all the arguments and heartache that come with it? I know that this question...
A. 21 February 2011: There is an old proverb that says that anything worthwhile does not come easy. It's true in work and it is true in love, I think. Will there be heartache in a relationship? Of course. But building anything requires time and effort and some pain, but ... (read in full...)
Is he genuine or just a charmer?
Q. i've recently got close to a man that i used to work with. it started with a text to let me know he had managed to gain some payment that he had been owed for a long time and from there we have started to text chat and then phone calls, he rings me ...
A. 20 February 2011: I felt the same: that loving the person would be enough to "bring them around." And of course we are not the only ones to think this. The problem is that we are human beings too, with our own needs. The love that these people need is so ... (read in full...)
Is he genuine or just a charmer?
Q. i've recently got close to a man that i used to work with. it started with a text to let me know he had managed to gain some payment that he had been owed for a long time and from there we have started to text chat and then phone calls, he rings me ...
A. 20 February 2011: Hey, just saw your post below. If you want to continue the conversation (I think we might have had similar experiences) feel free to email me here. Best wishes.... (read in full...)
Is he genuine or just a charmer?
Q. i've recently got close to a man that i used to work with. it started with a text to let me know he had managed to gain some payment that he had been owed for a long time and from there we have started to text chat and then phone calls, he rings me ...
A. 20 February 2011: Actually, I just checked out your other post and I see it is closed for new answers. So, I would just like to give my opinion here.
I had a relationship of sorts (not boyfriend/girlfriend but somewhat close friends) almost of all of last year. Sh... (read in full...)
Is he genuine or just a charmer?
Q. i've recently got close to a man that i used to work with. it started with a text to let me know he had managed to gain some payment that he had been owed for a long time and from there we have started to text chat and then phone calls, he rings me ...
A. 20 February 2011: Thanks for the update. I will check out your recent post. It is a very interesting question and one I have dealt with myself regarding someone who also had an awful upbringing. But I will save my comments for your new post. Anyway, I am glad you ... (read in full...)
Considering all peoples' feelings makes it difficult to determine the right thing here...
Q. So six months ago, me and my girlfriend of nearly 2 years split up for good. She’s written me out of her life, found a new group of friends so we wouldn’t ever cross paths, and in most aspects, will not acknowledge my existence. I can’t blame her, ...
A. 18 February 2011: I feel that you have to make peace with the fact that your prior relationship is over. It is truly not fair to your current girlfriend if you are holding her second place in your heart to your prior one.
I also think that this might be a case of ... (read in full...)
I've become very withdrawn after breaking off contact with her. Is this normal??
Q. Hi, I am the same poster who wrote this: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-kniow-she-is-bad-for-me-but.html I have actually broken off contact with her for several weeks now. For those who need background, it was a girl who I knew for...
A. 14 February 2011: @Anonymous--it is a good idea to use this time for myself. It is just I have become so withdrawn I don't want to have contact with the world just yet. Just kind of want to do simple tasks. But thanks for the message about taking some time for ... (read in full...)
What should I take it to mean when a girl gets this close?
Q. I'm 20. What should I read into a girl's motivation and intentions and does it mean anything if a girl lies back onto my chest and starts rubbing my hair?...
A. 13 February 2011: I think the key here is what chigirl said:
"See if she does the same with all other guys."
It could be that this is just a way of her feeling close to guys, but does not mean she is romantically interested in you.
Personally I experien... (read in full...)
I need to end a toxic unhealthy relationship!
Q. Any advice on how to end a relationship with someone you are so attached to that the thought of not talking to them at all again brings terror and anxiety? How do you walk away from someone who you have spent every free moment with for years. The ...
A. 11 February 2011: It is very hard, but it is possible...and you will feel stronger for it, not weaker. Trust me.
The steps are:
1) Resolve in your heart and your mind that this is the decision you want to make. There is no going back.
2) Gain support from ... (read in full...)
I love a girl who is my best friend
Q. How do I move on from a girl whom I love? I love a girl who is my best friend (she knows that I love her since I have told her my feelings but she had chosen to date another guy instead of me). I understand is time for me to move on because I...
A. 9 February 2011: A couple things: --I think she is being quite self-centered and insensitive if she is telling you about another guy when she knows you love her. She does not sound like such a great friend to me. --I agree that you need to break from her. It w... (read in full...)
Will our different religious beliefs clash too much? And would he compromise his beliefs about sex?
Q. Hello there, agony aunts. (: I have had a relatively close male friend who I have known for several years. We went to high school together and have always gotten on great. Almost the whole time I knew him, I had been with my ex boyfriend (who I...
A. 8 February 2011: Although I am always a fan of Dirtball and greatly respect his advice on this site, I disagree with him here. "Agreeing to disagree" on such a pivotal issue as religion will be extremely difficult in the long term, particularly where marriage is ... (read in full...)
Is he genuine or just a charmer?
Q. i've recently got close to a man that i used to work with. it started with a text to let me know he had managed to gain some payment that he had been owed for a long time and from there we have started to text chat and then phone calls, he rings me ...
A. 8 February 2011: he says tells me he 'feels a connection' and stuff like that but what i want to know is... 'do men really believe in things like that?'
Sure they do! Men want a connection as much as women. I know I do. You are right to keep your eyes open tho... (read in full...)
Is he genuine or just a charmer?
Q. i've recently got close to a man that i used to work with. it started with a text to let me know he had managed to gain some payment that he had been owed for a long time and from there we have started to text chat and then phone calls, he rings me ...
A. 8 February 2011: Well, you won't know yet. You have to give it some time, and you are in the very early stages. This is your first in-person date.
But what to watch out for to see if he is sincere or just a charmer is basically whether his actions match his word... (read in full...)
I've had enough of her childish behavior!
Q. My girlfriend and I have been together for 20 months (1 year, 8 months) and our relationship has really been going down the crapper lately. When something doesn't go her way, like say she was wrong in a discussion/argument, she crosses her arms...
A. 7 February 2011: Her behavior, though extreme in its immaturity, is unfortunately prevalent in more subtle ways in adult relationships. So it is good in a way that you are experiencing it now, so you will know what to look out for in the future.
Your relation... (read in full...)
Whatever happened to holding hands and watching the sunset?
Q. So, alot of things have been hard to adjust to since I got out of the Army. Not the least of which has been dating, or...not dating, I suppose. I like to think I'm a nice guy, outgoing in public, but private at home. I own my own house, and c...
A. 7 February 2011: Girls give mixed signals, that's for sure. That's pretty much unavoidable in the dating game.
But about this celibate business: I think you mean you wait for sex until marriage, no? Being celibate means you will NEVER have sex.
I am sure the... (read in full...)
Broke up with partner who was using escorts, and I feel more relieved than sad. Is this normal?
Q. I am a 42-year-old woman who just found out that her partner of 2 years has been visiting prostitutes. I ended the relationship yesterday afternoon when I found solid proof that he had been lying to me about his internet porn use, but got the final ...
A. 7 February 2011: The worst pain in this situation was not knowing, feeling the floor shake under your feet and ready to drop. The tremendous sense of anxiety you felt was evident in the way you doggedly investigated the truth by searching on the Web sites and on ... (read in full...)
Blind dates: How long to wait after the day of the date to realize nothing is going to happen and to just move on?
Q. How do you know if a guy wants to see you again at the end of a blind date? What does he say or do? And how long to wait after the day of the date to realize nothing is going to happen and to just move on?...
A. 3 February 2011: I have to say that personally, at the end of a blind date, I usually do not say anything like "I want to see you again." Rather, I thank her for the evening and then take a few days to think about whether I want to see her again.
Some people t... (read in full...)
Has anyone ever felt as though there were a spiritual cause for their sufferings?
Q. Does anybody ever felt, there might-be some kind of a spiritual cause behind their sufferings? Like karma, or curse or something like that? Because I can't see any good explanation for the consistent deterioration of my life. It is also strange, no ...
A. 2 February 2011: Good question. But it is terrible to hear of your suffering.
In the modern world, we naturally scoff at such ideas as supernatural causes for suffering. Our cultural bias is that anything for which we do not see a direct cause is not true.
... (read in full...)
She broke up saying the relationship had become a burden
Q. I got to know my ex-gf in Q4 2009, we share some same interests and hobbies, and it wasn't long before we got together. The relationship lasted for 9 months, and it was her first relationship. It was a wonderful one, and I thought we made ...
A. 2 February 2011: I think they key to your question lies here: "She didn't give a definite reason, but she labelled our relationship as a burden and she no longer has the time and money to support it, that we don't have a clear future, and it won't get better in fu... (read in full...)
I want to take my time, get to know her, respect her before I can feel any love for her. Is that me being selfish?
Q. Some people fall in love quickly, but other people take a bit more time before they develop those kind of feelings for someone. If I met a nice lady and I didn't love her for a few months, but I respected and valued her, is that a sign of ...
A. 2 February 2011: Yes, that makes sense. We live in a culture where people feel pressure to be physically intimate very quickly. Taking the time to get to know someone and respect the person as you say will lead, I think, to a better relationship down the road.... (read in full...)
I become depressed around my girlfriend and I'm not sure what to do about it...
Q. i have noticed that every time I become depressed and insecure with my girlfriend. She rarely does anything wrong she just fools arround with me . I get really sensitive and serious around her alot. I noticed the more I loved her, the more depressed ...
A. 2 February 2011: There must be an underlying reason, or reasons, for this. I would suggest exploring this with a psychologist. Although I am not a psychologist, based upon my own experiences, I might suggest some possible reasons: --You fear that she will lea... (read in full...)
People, have you been hurt terribly, but found love again after the hurt??
Q. I'm writing about my story about how I can't let the past go and how it has crippled my life and the way I live. My story begins when I met a girl at 26 years old she was 24. I just have fallen very much in love with her and she betrayed me and it ...
A. 1 February 2011: First of all, thank you for your service. Your question hit me deeply because I am wondering the same thing. My situation is different than yours in many ways but I also was betrayed by someone in whom I invested a lot and who does not care at... (read in full...)
At what point in a relationship can one justify using the word 'love'?
Q. Hello, a very misleadingly simple question... at what point in a relationship can one justify using 'love' as opposed to the elements of infatuation to describe the mutual feelings between the two involved? As a mere teen-ager, I find the often-used ...
A. 31 January 2011: You are right about this being a "misleadingly simple question"; in fact, it is a great, albeit very difficult question. My thought is that you are right in thinking there is a difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation is at the outset... (read in full...)
Boyfriend lied and the trust is gone
Q. So my boyfriend lied to me and now the trust is gone. Long story short, last friday he went out with his friends and I went out with mine and he phoned me afterwards (after I phoned him to say goodnight) to say he had a good night at a local pub. ...
A. 29 January 2011: While you are absolutely right that trust and honesty are the foundation of a relationship, it is also true that compassion and understanding are also necessary.
I do not mean that lies should be automatically forgiven. Rather, I am saying t... (read in full...)
Obsessed with the past.......
Q. I found out my girlfriend flashed a guy, aka her best friend over skype a few days before we got together, after he flashed her and begged her to flash him. 3 months later, it's still popping into my head randomly and causing me to have emotional ...
A. 26 January 2011: Why is it obsessing you?
Do you feel it impacts on her character? Do you resent the best friend?
Explain more and maybe we can help.... (read in full...)
My wife told me about her sexual past 9 months ago and I still can't get over it!
Q. Im trying so hard to forget my wifes sexual past she told me 9 months ago. It all started when we first met, I asked and she lied and told me 1 guy. Too find out 11 years later 4 more guys were added to the list. The way I found out was my fault...
A. 26 January 2011: I understand your problem, and it is not something to be dismissed. But I think something to be explored is her attitude about it now. We are all very different than we were when we were young. If great people were to be judged by how they were wh... (read in full...)
My girlfriend has been involved in an open relationship, and I am disgusted and love her at the same time, please help!
Q. Hi guys, here is my story: I have been dating this girl ever since october. Call us crazy but we are in love with each other, she has told me that she has been cheated on alot in the past and has major trust issues, but she was completely hones...
A. 24 January 2011: Your feelings are natural: since you love her so much you want to feel like you can respect her and that you share a value system. If you did not care, it would not bother you.
The question is why it bothers you. Is it because she was so casual a... (read in full...)
We lie and cheat but can't let each other go
Q. Dear Cupid I have been dating this guy for 2 years and our relationship isn't exactly healthy. We lie to each other and we cheat on each other but the problem is we cant let each other go. I break up with him and then we make up, he breaks up wit...
A. 24 January 2011: You are right in saying this is not a healthy relationship. If you lie to and cheat on each other then it ultimately shows a lack of respect for each other. Also, how can you really trust each other if this behavior goes on? And trust, as anyone ... (read in full...)
Text messages lead me to believe she wants her ex boyfriend/casual partner more then me!
Q. My fiance and I have been together for over a year. At first, like all relationships, things started off great, we'd text all the time, the sex was regular, we were both affectionate to each other. However, over the last few months, things have cha...
A. 24 January 2011: I have to admit that I do not envy your situation and that you have my empathy.
Like Adam eating the apple in the Garden of Eden, you now have knowledge of something you did not have before which shatters your idealism, and you can't go back.
... (read in full...)
On short notice he says he's coming to town and I turned him down. Now he's upset!
Q. I haven't seen this guy in a couple of years, we didn't "talk" (meaning email) for months and all of a sudden he says he's coming to town and was wondering if he can see me. I got annoyed at the short notice and said no, now he hasn't spoken to ...
A. 24 January 2011: I wonder why you didn't see him even if it was short notice.
I mean, if you liked him, why not make time to see him?
Also, as for you being annoyed...why were you annoyed? Maybe he could not help it and his pressing schedule allowed him only a c... (read in full...)
How do I stop being so accomodating to guys? I want a long term meaningful relationship
Q. I have always made bad choices in guys, form high school until now...I've had long term relationships but never meaningful one I was always quick to make them happy doing everything I thought they wanted me to do (pushover). Most of the time I had se...
A. 22 January 2011: Just wanted to add that I did not mean that last response to be harsh. I just meant that I think that is where you have to start: to look into what you believe and think about what you really want instead of letting other people determine that for ... (read in full...)
How do I stop being so accomodating to guys? I want a long term meaningful relationship
Q. I have always made bad choices in guys, form high school until now...I've had long term relationships but never meaningful one I was always quick to make them happy doing everything I thought they wanted me to do (pushover). Most of the time I had se...
A. 22 January 2011: I am curious as to why the long-term relationships were not meaningful. Was that because you did not feel love?
I think to have a meaningful relationship you need to have a meaningful life. That means sticking to your beliefs and having values s... (read in full...)
We're just friends, but why can't he just be honest, admit it and tell me the truth?
Q. Just wondering? We know each other for 10 years. Boyfriend for 6 years and best friend 4 years. We're not couple anymore, however we spend the same among of time together, do the same things, he tells me love u and miss u everyday. Basicall...
A. 21 January 2011: I have to admit I don't understand why you care so much if you are just "best friends."
Obviously, he feels it would hurt you, that's why he keeps it secret.
What is this "best friends" nonsense after all? You are both spending the same amount ... (read in full...)
We're just friends, but why can't he just be honest, admit it and tell me the truth?
Q. Just wondering? We know each other for 10 years. Boyfriend for 6 years and best friend 4 years. We're not couple anymore, however we spend the same among of time together, do the same things, he tells me love u and miss u everyday. Basicall...
A. 21 January 2011: I have to admit I don't understand why you care so much if you are just "best friends."
Obviously, he feels it would hurt you, that's why he keeps it secret.
What is this "best friends" nonsense after all? You are both spending the same amount ... (read in full...)
He's a sweet guy, he'd never cheat on my. But I don't feel any spark. What should I do?
Q. I really liked this guy for a while last year, and when I found out he liked me too; we started to see eachother. We've now been together for almost 2 months. However ever since we started being an item I haven't liked him; he's completely in love...
A. 20 January 2011: I agree with Abella. But maybe you are too young to appreciate this now.
Despite what we read about romance and fireworks being important, love really can grow. It can grow through shared experiences, conversation, and appreciation of each oth... (read in full...)
Girlfriend is not 100% honest with me.
Q. Hey people I REALLY need some advice... My girfriend and I have been dating for over 4 years now and even though we had our rough periods (4months breakup) that happened almost a year ago we still are back together and are going strong.....
A. 18 January 2011: Well, it is true that honesty is the best policy, and it is clear she lied to you. But I think you have to ask about her motives and reasons. If she was lying because she was cheating, well, it's obvious then that she is unstable, untrus... (read in full...)
I can't get the thoughts of my girlfriend with someone else out of my head!
Q. I have been dating my girlfriend for a year now and we have both realised we want to spend our lives together. I am not religious but i am one of the ever decreasing people that believe you should give your virginity to the one you want to spend ...
A. 18 January 2011: In a world where even by an average person's mid-20s he or she has already had multiple partners, it may be hard for some to understand your pain. It is almost a given in today's world that the person you are dating has had sexual encounters with a ... (read in full...)
How do people jump into VERY affectionate relationships so fast?
Q. Some of my friends have like five relationships a year! And all of them seem just as close and affectionate as the wonderful one it took me five years to develop with my now ex. I thought it would last forever. Then she broke up with me for some...
A. 15 January 2011: Well, you are young. Casual relationships in your early 20s might be satisfying, but in the long run, it does not work. There is so much at play in the basis of a relationship when you are that age: many of them are built upon sex, physical ... (read in full...)
If I'm pretty then why have I been single for 16 years?
Q. If this is true, then why don't i have a boyfriend? I've been single for going on 16 (yes 16) years, people tell me that I'm pretty and what not and that I can have any guy I want. IF that's true then why am I still single? I'm 34 years old and...
A. 15 January 2011: I think to help you with this, we need more information.
Have there been any men who you have been interested in?
You say you have not been in a serious relationship; what kind of relationships have you been in? What made them "not serious"?
... (read in full...)
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