A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it a bad thing to walk away from a fight? Or an argument? Instead of staying around and sort things out?My boyfriend and I ended up in an argument, where his final response was that he couldn't say anything right because it seems I get hurt by everything, so he wanted to walk away instead as there was no point talking. Thing is.. I am not hurt by everything he says, and I don't have a problem talking to him either. But I'm no heartless person either, I have emotions. I can get hurt yes, but why does that mean he can't talk to me to resolve things? Everyone has feelings right? I don't fly off the handle, or bawl my eyes out, Im not extreme. If he says something rude I get offended, if he says something hurtful I explain to him that I am hurt by this. I didn't yell at him or shout at him, there was no name calling. There was frustration, and I showed that, as did he. Is it possible that he is just using this as an excuse to walk out instead of sitting down and talk it through? Blaming it on me and saying "I can't say anything right"? Or is this something that some people do, like their way of dealing with an issue? He doesn't explain anything at all, just tells me that he can't say anything right. It gives me nothing to work on, and I don't know what to do. Should I tell him he can't keep walking out, because it doesn't resolve anything? It's the way he does it as well, he just grabs his coat and leaves, says "bye" and no explanation, no warning, no nothing. It is really painful. I called him after he left to tell him that this isn't the way I'd deal with an issue, but I will let him do what he feels he needs to do, and just see if it resolves anything. So I am going to just let him be and see what happens. I have no idea what I am supposed to tell him next time we talk. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Sometimes it is bettet to walk away from an argument to keep it from escalating to a point of verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse. This time out gives both parties the space and time too cool down and re-evaluate the difference objectively. It's imperative that the issue be addressed shortly thereafter so the party who was walked out on doesn't feel disregarded, otherwise resentment builds resulting in the inevitable deterioration of the relationship.My ex was notorious for walking out on our disagreements, always to return refusing to finish handling the issue for closure which caused immense resentment to brew and stew within me. My ex pulled that behavior one two many times two years ago, and although it tore my life apart doing so, when she walked out I packed all my belongings that evening and walked out right behind her, the other way and have not once looked back.I'm now happily in love with a woman who knows how to respect and appreciate love, and when she's in her worst mood she outshines my ex's best mood.Respect for your partner and self is what it boils down to. Don't put up with no one's bs. No way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Sometimes it is bettet to walk away from an argument to keep it from escalating to a point of verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse. This time out gives both parties the space and time too cool down and re-evaluate the difference objectively. It's imperative that the issue be addressed shortly thereafter so the party who was walked out on doesn't feel disregarded, otherwise resentment builds resulting in the inevitable deterioration of the relationship.My ex was notorious for walking out on our disagreements, always to return refusing to finish handling the issue for closure which caused immense resentment to brew and stew within me. My ex pulled that behavior one two many times two years ago, and although it tore my life apart doing so, when she walked out I packed all my belongings that evening and walked out right behind her, the other way and have not once looked back.I'm now happily in love with a woman who knows how to respect and appreciate love, and when she's in her worst mood she outshines my ex's best mood.Respect for your partner and self is what it boils down to. Don't put up with no one's bs. No way.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 everyone handles things differently. in my case, i do the same thing as your boyfriend. it's not meant to be offensive. in fact, it's a learned reaction. i've personally learned that if i try to talk out my frustrations while i'm still angry, i will wind up saying hurtful things. so i usually leave, go for a drive, or take a walk. calm down for a while. then come back and talk about it later after i've cooled off. he may just not be able to express himself immediately after an argument.i know it seems to you like he doesn't care, but it's more than likely not the case at all. try expressing calmly to him how this makes you feel when he walks away fromy you like that. see what he has to say. and try to be open to his response. you two may just have differences in how you handle frustrations. see if you can't compromise on a method of communicating next time you have an argument.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Think of it this way: would you rather he just get more and more angry and irrational, or would you rather he leave, take a breather, and come back to it? Is it more important that an argument happen all in one sitting, or that it get resolved so you don't have to deal with it again?
Next time he wants to leave, tell him you understand that he wants to stop, and that you respect that, but ask him if you can try to resolve the issue later when you're both more calm. Remember to say "When we're *both* more calm," never "when *you're* more calm." You're a team, and should sound like one.
I'm much the same way. I can argue rationally in real life for only so long before I get too worked up. At that time, I recognize that soon I will start saying things I don't mean just to hurt her, rather than telling the truth or trying to solve the problem. So I walk away. A lot of guys do it. What's important is that you recognize it, go take a breather, then try to resolve the issue later.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (25 May 2011):
It really depends on the situation and context.
If the argument is escalating and emotions are heated, then it can be healthy to say "I'm going to walk away so we can both cool down because continuing to hash it out while emotions are running high, is counterproductive."
But if that's the reason for walking out, then the understanding is to come back at a later time and continue the discussion when you're both calmer and more rational. If that returning never happens, then walking out is simply stonewalling or conflict avoidance which is not healthy because it means problems never get resolved. It's just as bad as staying and hashing things out while emotions are high, which also doesn't lead to conflict resolution.
"Is it possible that he is just using this as an excuse to walk out instead of sitting down and talk it through?"
I would say it was a reason rather than an excuse, if as you say he walked out in frustration at the end of the argument, saying he "can't say anything right." That means that he was very frustrated with you. sitting down and talking it through would be easy, if he weren't being frustrated with you.
the frustration could stem from within himself - maybe he has issues that make him easily frustrated or negatively interpret things you say. Maybe he is afraid of conflict because he never learned how to deal with it in a positive way and thus he shuts down at any slightest sign of conflict. Or it could stem from your behavior towards him, eg. even if you don't fly off the handle, do you disagree with everything he says, or sulk and give him the silent treatment if you don't get your way?
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (25 May 2011):
 He's frustrated and he feels he's not getting though to you. I don't know if men do this more than women, but I know I have done this in the past, when I felt that no matter what I said, there was no use in continuing talking because we weren't getting anywhere.
The thing is, it is possible that men and women argue for different reasons. Men seek a resolution; women may just want to express themselves and be heard. So if you have different goals in why you are arguing in the first place, you will inevitably reach an impasse.
I would suggest clarifying why you are arguing. Are you trying to hurt each other or are you trying to reach a common understanding? If it's the latter (and it should be), then maybe try a different technique. One such technique is repeating back to the person what he or she said to confirm that you were listening and that you understood. Another technique is to "fight fair": stay on topic and do not let the argument devolve into an opportunity to bring up other suppressed grievances.
Communication takes thought, effort, and commitment. If both of you are really willing to work on it, it can be done.
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