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... Send *hawncaff a private message | | | *hawncaff's profile:I found this site by accident when I was looking for support in a difficult situation. I felt confused and trapped and very depressed. People on this board were very helpful--particularly one person--and I decided to stay to both learn and give back whatever I have learned.
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| Latest articles: An insight about loneliness and relationships
This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
6 September 2011: I recently had an insight (at least an insight for me) into loneliness and relationships which I thought I would share here on DC to bounce off other agony aunts and uncles and those who consult them. Recently I was contacted again by a woman...
A view of retroactive jealousy
This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
19 June 2011: There are many posts on this site about people tormented by retroactive jealousy. I would like to offer a perspective on its real causes and how to deal with it. For those who don't know, retroactive jealousy (RJ) is the feeling of intense envy ...
The myth of "best friends" of the opposite sex
This question has 16 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
20 February 2011: OK, I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this (assuming anyone read this) but from my experience and observation I believe that a heterosexual man and woman who claim to be "best friends" without any romantic feelings...is a myth. Almost al...
Reality versus Illusion
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
22 January 2011: In reflecting upon a relationship I had with a girl last year, I think a source of the many problems I had was my confusion of the illusion I had of her and what our relationship was with the reality. I thought I would relate a little bit about it ...
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I am secretly dating my cousin. Now her sister is threatening to tell our family about it unless we have sex with her, too!
Q. Ok, My cousin and I have been dating for close to a year without either of our families knowing or finding out. But just recently, her younger sister came forward to us about knowing about our relationship. She's threatening to tell our respective ...
A. 8 April 2011: Um...I am pretty sure the unanimous answer to this will be "no".
OK, in some areas, dating a cousin would not be considered incest. But in ALL areas, your cousin/gf having sex with her sister is DEFINITELY incest.
Address the issue of telling... (read in full...)
Is there any such thing as "I don't know why I love you but I love you"..??
Q. My boyfriend of 9 months told me yesterday that he doesn't know why he loves me but he loves me. Is there any such statement and does such exist. I can tell him 3 reasons why I love him but he can't? When I asked him what he menat. He said "It mean...
A. 6 April 2011: This is a fascinating question. I have to say I disagree with the other posters. I think your bf has to have a reason for loving you---but it might very well be that he is not able to put it into words. He did say the beginning of it, which i... (read in full...)
What are your views on Cuddle Buddies? (Kiss, snuggle, cuddle, make out, no sex, no emotional feelings). Does it work?
Q. I want to know what your views are on cuddle buddies. Cuddle buddy is similar with friends with benefits but without the sex. Cuddle buddies do kiss, snuggle, cuddle, make out and many more. However, the feeling of love is just a detachment. Th...
A. 5 April 2011: person12345--when you say it "worked", what do you mean?
How do you define "worked"?
And OP, what do you mean by "Does it work"?
What are your goals in this? Is it to make out with someone whom you don't know one time? If so, then yeah it can... (read in full...)
How Much of My Own Beliefs and Opinions Should Enter DearCupidAnswers?
Q. I've noticed that in some of my answers to questions on this site, I have allowed my personal beliefs to color my opinions. So my question is, is that wrong? It seems nearly impossible to take my whole self out of the equation, but what level i...
A. 4 April 2011: There is no reason you should remove your beliefs from the advice you give. Values and beliefs underscore all the answers here. The only rules you need to observe are those of the DearCupid community, which, from my brief experience here, seem to ... (read in full...)
Don't I deserve to be cared about?
Q. I've always felt "less than". I've never liked the way i like even though i've gotten complements plenty of times. The past two years, my self esteem has hit rock bottom. I got involved with a guy i shouldn't have and it didn't end well, well it's ...
A. 4 April 2011: I think you know the answer to the question you posed. The real question is why you are making this guy the arbiter of whether you are a good person or not. To paraphrase the singer Sara Bareilles: Who died and made him king of everything?
It is... (read in full...)
I shouldn't put up with it yet I still continue to
Q. Furious BF is still talking to ex lovers. Sending them messages 'Hey Sexy miss you.' Why do I keep putting up with this? I know its wrong and that I shouldnt put up with it yet I still continue too. Even if he hasnt cheated on me sending mess...
A. 3 April 2011: I think if you continue to stay in a relationship like this it indicates a problem with your self-esteem. There is no excuse for this. He should not be doing this. Period. And if you allow him to continue, his actions will get worse, believe me.... (read in full...)
Sweet man or sociopath?
Q. if a man is charming does it always have to mean that they are trying to schmooze? my new guy is rather over the top charming towards me, i have told him it makes me uneasy and he said he flatters me coz he wants me to like him. he is not a silly ...
A. 23 March 2011: Denise32 is right: charming does not necessarily mean a sociopath. The sociopathic personality does not see you as a person, but as an object, and thus charms you in order to manipulate you.
Your choices are also limited. Being charming can mean... (read in full...)
I found porn on my 53 year old dad's computer
Q. My dad is 53yrs old.. a very simple, sober and decent man who practices meditation daily. But today when I went on his laptop, there were loads of porn (hardcore) websites in his browsing history. Is it normal for a person like him to be looking ...
A. 22 March 2011: I'm gonna disagree with all the other posters here. I agree with you that it IS a big deal to find hard-core porn on your dad's computer.
Many of us have ideals of our parents (if we were lucky to have parents whom we respected). Even when we ... (read in full...)
I don't understand why my ex-gf acts like she does towards me. Can someone explain??
Q. Hey Dear Cupid people Sorry this is long, but it's a story with many twists! I've never been able to understand girls but my ex girlfriend has gotta be the most confusing. We were together about a year...proper in love she said things li...
A. 22 March 2011: I think the key is what you wrote here:
"I agreed to everything she said (on the phone) so I didn't give any angry reaction."
She WANTS a reaction from you. You both broke up, but she wanted to feel the relationship meant something to you... (read in full...)
Fiance wears inappropriate clothing. Is she trying to attract other guys?
Q. Girls: My Fiance, wears clothes that are not appropriate, showing her cleavage, very tight pants, lots of perfume, make-up and hairstyle everytime!!! i feel insecure, what do you think girls, is she trying to impress other guys?...
A. 20 March 2011: I think the idea behind wearing revealing clothing is to get attention from guys. So yes, if she is wearing this clothing now, it is sending mixed signals. Why would she need to attract guys if she already has one?
But as Libra said, maybe it... (read in full...)
How do I feel significant in life when everything seems so planned-out and predictable?
Q. I'm 14 years old, and i have absolutely no idea what i am here for. We're born, we live, we die. But what about after? I don't wont to be a speck of dust in the world. I want a legacy, a reason. Life seems so pre-made. It's tailored. I will go to ...
A. 20 March 2011: You know, I remember thinking this very same thing when I was your age. It's an important question and it is good you are thinking about this now. And you are right in not wanting your life to be boring and predictable, and for you to be significant ... (read in full...)
Do people put too much weight on the institution of marriage, and too little value on the PERSON they marry?
Q. I sometimes worry when I see a young person "pushing" for marriage, and seeing marriage as the ultimate goal in a relationship, while worrying little about the "issues" that exist within the relationship and on building a healthy relationship and ...
A. 17 March 2011: You and the other posters here have some good points, but I would like to add something that I think you (and some of the other posters) have overlooked:
You speak about the importance of emphasizing the relationship and the people involved... (read in full...)
Should I feel guilty for sleeping with a guy who has a gf?
Q. Should I feel guilty? Ok, I met this guy last summer. For some reasons I cant afford a relationship right now. So he and I were being casual. We just hang out sometimes and share bed time to time. Actually I thought he's kinda player becaus...
A. 15 March 2011: I am sorry to be blunt but I think that a woman who sleeps with a man who is dating or married to someone else bears as much blame as the cheating man. You are a willing accomplice in deception and lies. If you were to put yourself in the place of ... (read in full...)
She doesn't show much interest, should I just give up?
Q. I have a girl I am trying to get with still. I compliment her as much as I can, not trying to score points but of genuine belief, she often says I am 'crazy, mad' etc etc. I have still persisted, but today for some reason I have snapped, I haven't ...
A. 14 March 2011: I do not think you should give up until you've explicitly broached the subject with her. If you are really at the breaking point, you've got nothing left to lose. Tell her you are interested and how you feel and that you need some feedback or else ... (read in full...)
Why am I a bad person because I use prostitutes?
Q. Dear All, I am going to ask few questions which might offend some of you if they do please pardon me and try understanding my query. I have few basic questions about life which I want you to answer but before that let me give you some insight abo...
A. 13 March 2011: Hi,
First, I think your co-worker was way out of proportion in what she says. Visiting prostitutes may be immoral (see below) but it is far from a savage act compared to many others in society (murder, rape, robbery, etc.).
But then there are th... (read in full...)
I was cheated upon and although we're trying to make it work again, I cant get over it...
Q. Hi all, About two years ago I seperated with my wife of hour years because I wasn't happy in the relationship. There was no big drama, we had just got together far too young and hadn't matured before marriage. A few months later I met a girl an...
A. 13 March 2011: Tough dilemma. Clearly in your heart you never really settled the issue of her cheating. Her original excuse does seem flimsy to me. If he was blackmailing her to remain in the relationship, then why did she write him that she loves him? I am ... (read in full...)
Is meeting a girl you are attracted to cheating your wife?
Q. A lady in office much younger than I am had been hitting on me for a while. I find her very attractive. She is married, and so am I. At the same time, I dont want to mess up my married life and have not gone beyond a coffee or lunch together. ...
A. 13 March 2011: I am afraid I would put this under the "emotional affair" category, and yes, I would say it is a bad idea.
Even if it does not lead to anything physical, it is still emotionally cheating on your wife if you meet up with a woman for whom you feel... (read in full...)
I feel used. why do people fake love for you just to make love to you?
Q. hi why do people make like they're into you but they really aren't secretly because all they really want from you is use you for sex while they sneak behind your back to find a bf or gf then they dump you and don't feel bad, wrong or guilty for ...
A. 13 March 2011: I am sorry to hear this happened to you. But I think he's in the minority. Most people have some sense of decency and would not use you like this. The truth is, using another person for sex while pretending to love and care for them is sociopat... (read in full...)
How can I be just friends with her, as she wants, when I'm in love with her?
Q. So I've been talking to this girl since Christmas and felt very strong about her, we became really close, she'd call me almost every day and we'd sometimes talk for hours, she'd often constantly joke about us getting married, which any guy would ...
A. 12 March 2011: I certainly don't want to turn this into a dialogue between CindyCares and me, but I would like to respond to her ear-pulling (which is always much appreciated despite the stinging sensation!). I hope it is still at least a little relevant to ... (read in full...)
How can I be just friends with her, as she wants, when I'm in love with her?
Q. So I've been talking to this girl since Christmas and felt very strong about her, we became really close, she'd call me almost every day and we'd sometimes talk for hours, she'd often constantly joke about us getting married, which any guy would ...
A. 12 March 2011: I agree with the other posters. You definitely have a consensus here about her being too self-centered not to see things from your perspective.
The truth is, I cannot understand this aspect of women psychology. I've asked about it here but stil... (read in full...)
I don't know what to say to her or if I should say anything at all...about my feelings.
Q. Five years ago I met this girl we became best friends and I was crazy about her, a year into our friendship I got really drunk and told her I loved her, but I didn't remember until some one told me about it six months later (I got rejected ...
A. 10 March 2011: I think it would not make sense to tell her now if you have never told her before. She has a child, she has a fiance, she lives far away...it would serve no purpose.
I must say that I do think it would be a good idea for her to come and visit yo... (read in full...)
Is he holding onto my things because deep down he doesn't want to lose me???
Q. Please help as I'm in need of advice/answers (only from men please). Have been in 2 yr relationship with a disabled man. I love him, yet he always plays mind games. I don't mind this, as I know that he's very insecure; On new years day i rang to say ...
A. 8 March 2011: I am gonna disagree with CaringGuy here when he says, "A man looking for love will come to you. A man looking for power will make you come to him. He just wants to feel powerful, he's not interested in you." Clearly he has issues. But this doesn't... (read in full...)
Is it impossible to think I might be able to marry a virgin or at least a very inexperienced girl?
Q. Is marrying a non promiscuous girl a rarity in todays world. I am a virgin man looking to marry a virgin or someone with very little sexual experiences. Is there a possibility that this may happen or should I not care about this....
A. 6 March 2011: I think if you limit your search to girls that are religious, you will find plenty of them in their early 20s. But as has been said here already, while it is understandably a desirable thing to find a wife who is a virgin or who has limited ... (read in full...)
Why do guys always go for girls who treat them like trash?
Q. Hi I have a question, why guys never respect the girls who are nice to them and always go after the girls who treat them like trash....
A. 6 March 2011: I think a guy might stick with a girl who treats him like trash for a number of reasons: --he has a poor self-image and when the girl treats him badly he might feel, "Wow, she knows I am not worth very much. So finally I have met someone who know... (read in full...)
What's wrong with being sexually conservative?!
Q. I felt strongly about the kind of misleading advice / negative overtones that are often present in the responses to people who've been sexually conservative (or abstinent) and are disturbed to find their SO (significant other) have not. They are ...
A. 6 March 2011: I agree with your reasons for being sexually conservative. The thing I have never understood, however, is how a person can date someone for a while before getting married or getting settled into a long-term relationship without finding out about her ... (read in full...)
Somehow I misunderstood her feelings thinking she cared for me as more than a friend!
Q. Hi I wonder if you guys can help me. I met this girl a few months ago and we got on really well. we exchanged numbers and for a while we texted everyday. I asked her out and she agreed, But she told me she was in a relationship but wasn't happy an...
A. 6 March 2011: She led you on, that's for sure. If she did not ever want to cheat on her bf, then why did she agree to go out with you, tell you that she likes you, and say she thought she "deserved better"?
There is no need to feel stupid. You followed... (read in full...)
My girlfriend is incredibly blunt and moody with me and I am not sure if I can take much more of walking on eggshells....
Q. My girlfriend is 42 and I m 38. We have been having a long distance relationship for 5 months. I visit her every other weekend and on the whole it is great. However, she can be incredibly blunt and moody with me even if something that has annoyed ...
A. 5 March 2011: 'it was going on forever and nothing was happening'
Ouch! Yeah, that is beyond being moody or blunt--that is being very insensitive and self-centered. Honesty in relationships is good, but it's got to be balanced with respect. She can't use you ... (read in full...)
I want to see my old friend but her husband won't let her.
Q. OK, I normally post about one situation, but finally I would like to ask something new! I have a long-time friend. We dated when we were in college. This was 16 years ago. We were friends first, then we became romantically involved for a f...
A. 3 March 2011: EyesWideOpen-- The article was about the impossibility of "best friends" of the opposite sex. This girl and I have not been best friends, just friends. Of course, I think friendship between sexes is possible, just not "best friends" as it i... (read in full...)
I want to see my old friend but her husband won't let her.
Q. OK, I normally post about one situation, but finally I would like to ask something new! I have a long-time friend. We dated when we were in college. This was 16 years ago. We were friends first, then we became romantically involved for a f...
A. 3 March 2011: Well, I appreciate all the answers. Not what I expected.
I have been in situations alone with her in the past 16 years when we were both single, and nothing ever happened. We really do not have those feelings for each other--just those of frie... (read in full...)
Is it understandable to feel hurt?
Q. I have recently broke off an affair. Definitely the best decision but hurts like hell. Only been shy of a month. He is already seeing someone else. Is it understandable to feel hurt?...
A. 3 March 2011: I think it depends.
Did this guy you were seeing make you promises like, "Baby, I don't love my wife and I'll be leaving her soon. You're the one I love. Just give me time..."?
If so, then yes, you have the right to feel hurt.
BUT if ... (read in full...)
I'm dating a guy who told me from the start that he's not "dating material" but I've fallen for him anyways!
Q. About a month ago I started a fling with this man I really really really like. He made it extremely clear right from the start that he was unreliable and not a good person (his words). He also said he loves spending time with me, but he also made it ...
A. 3 March 2011: What exactly do you like about him?
Is it the fact that he is "bad boy"?
I guess what I am asking is why would you fall for a guy who will not be faithful, not exclusive, and does not even aspire to be a good person?
It's not a judgmental quest... (read in full...)
I finally told a deep, dark secret....and now I feel empty and hollow! Why? And what do I do now?
Q. For about 10 years, I carried a secret in my family, since I was 15 years old. It was very heavy for me, but I thought from some maybe obedience that I can’t say it, as I was told that I just can’t say it. Then I broke the silence after 10 years an...
A. 1 March 2011: I would have first thought you would have felt relieved, instead of empty and hollow. But strangely enough I can understand this. I think it is almost like people who carry a grudge around with them. They do it not only because they were hurt, but ... (read in full...)
Does a sociopath know that he or she is a sociopath?
Q. For those who have dealt with sociopaths, I have a question: Does a sociopath know he or she is a sociopath? In other words, a person who lives off using other people, seeing them as tools and objects, feeling no guilt...do they know they are...
A. 1 March 2011: Thank you all for your replies. @Abella: Your description of the sociopath is chillingly accurate. And your point about feeling sorry of them is a good one: if you do, they will use it against you, so it is pointless anyway. I have no intent o... (read in full...)
I googled my girlfriend's name and found a homemade sex video that may be of her. Should I ask her about it, or just drop it?
Q. So, I regularly play on Google just randomly googling up stuff and I tried googling my girlfriend just to see what came up, all ordinary, Facebook, Myspace, etc. Then I took off the filter and after going through many of the main pages, I found ...
A. 28 February 2011: Of course you should bring it up. Why would you not?
If it is of her, it tells something about her character and her past. It doesn't mean she is a bad person or you should dump her, but it is important information which you should know about it. ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend is best friends with her ex!
Q. I really really like my gf. But she is best friends with her ex. She tells him everything, and it kills me. In all honesty i understand being friends with an ex, but being best friends. Its more than i can take but i cant be the kind of guy who ...
A. 28 February 2011: OK, this is definitely weird and absurd. She cannot be best friends with her ex, especially while you are dating her!
What is really going on here is probably that she still likes her ex and does not want to sever that connection.
As for you--i... (read in full...)
Riddled with guilt, what do I do?
Q. I am a 35 year old woman married for 3 years now. I had a lapse of judgement a few months ago and had an affair with a man in the town that I live in. I saw this man for three months and we were very sexually active. I broke it off after I thought ...
A. 28 February 2011: Ideally, the best thing is to tell your husband. Secrets like this will inherently drive you apart. You will always carry this secret around with you, and, whether you mean to or not, you will grow more distant from him.
Also, the issue behind t... (read in full...)
I just want another chance, but how do I do it?
Q. I'm sorry if this is a little long, so for those who have time to read it and give me advice - many thanks in advance. So, it's been about 4 months since my ex bf broke up with me. We started dating the summer before I went back to school for my l...
A. 28 February 2011: I think if he still wants to be friends, then he will not be annoyed by your keeping in touch over email. I think that's a good idea because it will help you to feel connected to him.
You sound like a rational and thoughtful person. You are prob... (read in full...)
My Mum is coming between my first love and me!!
Q. Ok so i'm 15 in yr 10 goin' on to work experience etc and my friends who don't go to my school (they go to a grammar one) have a friend who's in yr 11 (just turned 16) and when i met him he was really nice and fun to talk to. Then one night (l...
A. 25 February 2011: You sound like an honest, responsible and sweet girl. You really are at that turning point age where you are beginning to have your own mind about things, which might not always be what your Mum has in mind. This is not bad at all--in fact, it is ... (read in full...)
Still casually sleeping with my ex, but he sees us as "just friends"
Q. Why do I have no self control when it comes to my ex? We broke up over a year ago and I am still casually sleeping with him. I can't stop thinking about him as I'm deeply in love with him. He on the other hand wants to be single but also h...
A. 24 February 2011: He is confused as to what he wants. Being in a relationship with him now--and you ARE in a relationship with him, whether you are exclusive bf/gf's or not--will continue to hurt you and hold you back from moving on in your life.
Of course, ... (read in full...)
Teacher student relationship gone bad
Q. I'm a sophomore in high school this year, and I have a major problem. One day after school I had to make up a AP history test.(My AP teacher is young and good looking) I went to make up the test and I stayed in his room just talking about random ...
A. 24 February 2011: OK there are a few things about this that are very strange and which I do not understand:
1) Why did you go an apologize to him? Why was this your fault?
2) He is not talking to you?? Does this mean professionally or personally? In o... (read in full...)
I have had a lucky escape from this relationship. So why do I feel so bad?
Q. I recently split up from a man, still in the very very early stages of a relationship because he shared some information about himself that made me scared to get involved with him. He said he had been very damaged by his abusive upbringing and now ...
A. 21 February 2011: It is no surprise that you are hurting. It is a big disappointment that after the initial stages of hope and expectation, you realized he was not for you (and it sounds like you made a very wise choice).
I think the key statement you made here is ... (read in full...)
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