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... Send *hawncaff a private message | | | *hawncaff's profile:I found this site by accident when I was looking for support in a difficult situation. I felt confused and trapped and very depressed. People on this board were very helpful--particularly one person--and I decided to stay to both learn and give back whatever I have learned.
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| Latest articles: An insight about loneliness and relationships
This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
6 September 2011: I recently had an insight (at least an insight for me) into loneliness and relationships which I thought I would share here on DC to bounce off other agony aunts and uncles and those who consult them. Recently I was contacted again by a woman...
A view of retroactive jealousy
This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
19 June 2011: There are many posts on this site about people tormented by retroactive jealousy. I would like to offer a perspective on its real causes and how to deal with it. For those who don't know, retroactive jealousy (RJ) is the feeling of intense envy ...
The myth of "best friends" of the opposite sex
This question has 16 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
20 February 2011: OK, I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this (assuming anyone read this) but from my experience and observation I believe that a heterosexual man and woman who claim to be "best friends" without any romantic feelings...is a myth. Almost al...
Reality versus Illusion
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
22 January 2011: In reflecting upon a relationship I had with a girl last year, I think a source of the many problems I had was my confusion of the illusion I had of her and what our relationship was with the reality. I thought I would relate a little bit about it ...
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If I'm pretty then why have I been single for 16 years?
Q. If this is true, then why don't i have a boyfriend? I've been single for going on 16 (yes 16) years, people tell me that I'm pretty and what not and that I can have any guy I want. IF that's true then why am I still single? I'm 34 years old and...
A. 15 January 2011: I think to help you with this, we need more information.
Have there been any men who you have been interested in?
You say you have not been in a serious relationship; what kind of relationships have you been in? What made them "not serious"?
... (read in full...)
No christmas or birthday card from my boyfriend, is it OK for me to be upset?
Q. I wrote on here a few weeks ago about how my boyfriend of 5 months didn't get me even a card for Christmas after I got him a $200 gift. My birthday was a week later and I did not get even a card for that either. Am I being a baby or do I have a r...
A. 14 January 2011: No, you re not being a baby. It is my opinion that gifts are not really about money, but are indications of how important someone is to you. A simple card or even taking out for coffee or a movie...it can say a lot. I would take this an indicati... (read in full...)
I asked out my best friend, she declined and started dating some new guy!
Q. I love a girl a lot who is my best friend and I asked her out but she refused and went out with another guy. I told her everything I did I do it for her including when she was upset that another guy took two weeks to decide to ask her out, I w...
A. 13 January 2011: This is a tough situation and you have my empathy. It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of different emotions. You are feeling used, you are feeling a deep attraction for her--perhaps love, and you are angry and resentful that she did not... (read in full...)
When does flirting go too far?
Q. I have recently become concerned about my own behaviour. I have always been a flirt and for the most part my friends partners never seemed to mind - or at least to the point where they've never minded enough to address the issue with me. But it ...
A. 10 January 2011: I think the boundary is crossed when the guys you are flirting with actually think you are interested in them. Then, you are playing with their emotions, only to cut them off, which shows a lack of respect.
I understand the need to be recogniz... (read in full...)
I'm caught in her sex web!
Q. there is this girl who has been my best friend for many years, and during the course of our friendhip I have confided in her many things I have never told to anyone; such as fears, weaknesses, and my fetishes. I love her very much but as my friend ...
A. 10 January 2011: Somehow I feel this may be a troll!
How in the world would she get in a position to do this to you? If you just want to be friends, then don't unzip your fly. Unless she is a 300-pound Amazon who can wrestle you to the ground and have her way with... (read in full...)
Do I really like her for who she really is?
Q. right, ive been with a girl for nearly 6 months now. we're both 17, she's 4 months older than me, and we go to the same school though she is in the year above. The way we started going out is a bit strange really, she just started talking to me ...
A. 9 January 2011: I think it is very mature of you to ask this question about lust vs. love. It is a difficult question for you to ask yourself but it shows that you are a person of integrity and truthfulness, and that you have concern for the other person, i.e., you ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend has had over 30 plus sexual partners before me.
Q. I am 22 years old and been with the girl for almost 4 months. I love her and she loves me and wants to have my children and has talked about marriage before. Here's the tricky part. I have no history of my own. She was my first while she's been with ...
A. 8 January 2011: She's had 30+ partners and she is 19?
Major red flags here. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but she is still in the midst of her bad habits.
I think you need to take a break from her. See if it bothers her in a few months or wheth... (read in full...)
Can a relationship work without common interests to talk about?
Q. I have had a relationship with a girl on the internet for over four months now. We have communicated by email, instant chat and over the phone over this period and are looking to move forward to meeting. I'm getting attached to her as we have s...
A. 8 January 2011: I disagree with everyone here. The fact is, you have never met each other. It is possible that you can BUILD common interests and experiences. When you meet and do things together you will then have those as reference points. You an also explore ... (read in full...)
Why can't I get over this unhealthy relationship?
Q. I was with my ex for 14 years. However, for the last 4 years we had a purely platonic relationship. This ws difficult for me as sex had always been important to me. We eventually split - relatively amicable too. VERY shrtly afterwards I was ...
A. 6 January 2011: Wow. I can relate.
I was in a relationship of sorts with a very narcissistic (maybe even sociopathic) girl this past year. Gave her a lot of money, a lot of favors, etc. Never got anything back. And she was a player. But the point is, I still ha... (read in full...)
How can I rip him out of my heart and my mind?
Q. I'm in love with this guy who has showed me he doesn't love me back or at least the same way I do. He is self centered, bad tempered, some what paranoid, liar, drinks and smokes cigars that I don't like. After all this I should say to myself, w...
A. 3 January 2011: First of all, maybe he can start smoking cigars that you DO like? Just kidding. You know, I had a similar problem. This past year, I had a relationship of sorts with a girl who was untrustworthy, a financial leech (I gave her $2,500 and she n... (read in full...)
I date a guy and then 3-4 years later I don't love them anymore
Q. I'm almost 28...divorced...2 baby daddy's...what's my problem? I date a guy and "think" I'm in love...then wake up 3-4 yrs later and don't love them anymore? Why can't I commit? Why can't I love someone for the rest of my life? I've always been like ...
A. 3 January 2011: I would be curious as to why you fell in love with these people in the first place. Maybe your answer lies there. If you loved them because of a sexual infatuation or because of their looks or even their personality, maybe that fades.
Maybe with... (read in full...)
When I'm with him, I'm happy, when apart, I over analyze everything
Q. I had been dating this guy I met online for 6 months before I decided to call it quits. The thing is, he's constantly calling, emailing and texting...trying his best to win me back. I'm not sure if it's guilt, or true love - but I'm starting to ...
A. 3 January 2011: I think you are not ready to settle down yet. The question you should be asking, in my opinion, is whether you can see building a family and future life with him. You need to ask yourself whether he possesses the core values you are looking for in ... (read in full...)
Do we have a future? He won't get a divorce.
Q. im 21, he's 28. we're coworkers at a restaurant. ever since he first kissed me out of nowhere a year and a half ago, we've been making out, texting, even hanging out when we can outside of work. we never hooked up. hes not pressuring me at all, im a ...
A. 30 December 2010: Ditto on Dirtball. Sounds like you didn't ask him the essential question as to when he is getting the divorce, and why he has not so far. Until that's resolved, don't get in too deep.... (read in full...)
After you break up, should you get rid of any gifts?
Q. I have two questions. When you break up with a boyfriend, especially when it was a serious relationship, do you trash/give back gifts, or anything that reminds you of him? And by getting rid of those things, does it make you get over him faster, ...
A. 30 December 2010: I recently felt I needed to purge myself of all emails, files, and online photos of the woman whom I had broken off from. I think it helped--but my case might have been particular.
The reason I got rid of that stuff was because I felt like the... (read in full...)
Is there any real way to "break through" to her?
Q. Hi, I realized this year that I have probably had a relationship with a sociopath. Although we never got romantically involved, we became "close"--at least from my end. (I have written about her before here, but in short, the reason I say she...
A. 30 December 2010: Thank you all for your responses. Just to clarify, I was not trying to "fix" her as some had mentioned. I was just imagining that underneath the seeming sociopathic qualities was a person whom I could discover and have a relationship with. But I am ... (read in full...)
Will she always be a cheater? How spot and avoid a cheater in future?
Q. I just have a question about an ex. I met this girl through work, we flirted and it was as clear as day she was interested. But things were kind of weird, she was also flirting with two other guys at my work. I ended up leaving for a few weeks and ...
A. 29 December 2010: I think there were many red flags here, and you already know them: constant flirtations with many men at the same time; moving in quickly; getting bored and then starting a new relationship soon after.
The real question is why you chose to ignor... (read in full...)
Can someone explain love to me?
Q. hello dear cupid this may sound like a dumb question but can you guys explain love to me? all my life i've never really seen a good relationship. my mother, my aunts and even my older cousins all been in bad relationships and some are still in those...
A. 29 December 2010: I think Dirtball (as usual) makes an important point as to how to deal with this: Learn from their mistakes. Parents teach both by positive and negative examples. If you want to be on the right road to love, start by observing carefully what you ... (read in full...)
Snogging Help!
Q. Hey :) I'm 13 and I love my boyfriend alot ((: Trouble is, he wants to snog me! I really want to but I don't want to fail at it. :/ Any tips? Also I wanna go further with him but not as far as sex. how do I tell him? ...
A. 29 December 2010: For the Americans on here, can you define snogging?... (read in full...)
I'm married but I want my mistress back in my life.
Q. My girlfriend/mistress just(september)ended our 4 year relationship because I'm married. I'm 20 years older than my mistress. She has known this all along . We both admit the past 4 years were fabulous in every way for both of us. Danc...
A. 27 December 2010: I personally think it is selfish of you to continue the relationship when there is no future for her to be your wife and she says she wants "out" in order to build a life. I mean, if you really love her, would you not want the best for her? This is ... (read in full...)
Am I dealing with a sociopath?
Q. First, to anyone who may read this I hope your holidays are going great...also want to thank everyone who answered my question last week regarding the same person...it was very very helpful. My question now is am I dealing with a true sociopath...
A. 27 December 2010: Hi,
When I read this, at first I thought I wrote it.
In short: I have been in a similar relationship this past year which also recently ended, and which all my friends, a psychologist and an insightful lady here on DearCupid deemed as a destruc... (read in full...)
In love with a married man, how do I say 'no' when my heart says yes?
Q. Okay, here is the deal. I am in college, but right now I am on winter break. My sister, still in high school, and I went to go watch her boyfriend in a school performance. The teacher I used to have a crush on was there. I gave up on anything ...
A. 25 December 2010: Congratulations on taking a moral stand even when tempted. Just keep looking for support in your decision, which, as others have pointed out, is right. Also, stay out of any situation in which you and he might be together and you will succumb to ... (read in full...)
How do you break a relationship that isn't honest to start with?
Q. I've been in an open relationship with someone for almost 3 months but I've been treating it as if it was a real relationship. I know open relationships are shallow and I really hate them but she didn't want a real one. The worse thing is that I ...
A. 25 December 2010: OK, first of all, I am not sure what you mean when you say she is being "mean". Not texting you after kissing you?
She wants an "open" relationship and you want a "closed" relationship. She's not being mean--she is keeping to her initial commitme... (read in full...)
Am I being cynical thinking she's too good to be true?
Q. I need you guys to read over this and tell me what you think because I'm not sure: I met this beautiful girl a couple of months ago. She is literally model gorgeous and then I mean like a victoria's secret angel, not a stick. Anyway, we got t...
A. 25 December 2010: I have to say that I think this is too good to be true. I am sorry to be so cynical. But if she is not religious and is that good-looking, it would have taken almost a superhuman effort to resist all those advances between, say, 16 or 17 until 24.
... (read in full...)
My boy friend's asking for closure
Q. My boyfriend just broke up with me two days ago and now he wants to meet to "answer any questions we have about us or any clarification." why? What does this mean??...
A. 22 December 2010: I think it sounds a little weird and haughty for him to break up with you and then ask YOU if you have any questions. I mean, if you had questions, you should ask him, and if he broke up with you, it is up to him to supply the reasons if you want ... (read in full...)
Is my girlfriend thoughtless or does she not even care?
Q. Me and my girlfriend have been in a long-distance relationship for nearly a year and a half now. She is the same age as I am. We've been able to meet before, and had a great time for the few days we could be together. Anyways... I love her very mu...
A. 10 December 2010: Yes, I am curious about what Aunt Honesty below alluded to: what do you two have in common? A relationship that works is built on similar values and beliefs. Of course, there can be room for difference, but you should share basic core values in ... (read in full...)
Why does her past bug me so much!
Q. Hi I have posted a few items now and I am sure a number of you will recognise which ones when I write on.... this is another post to see if I can tap into your wisdom again. My girlfriend and I get ever closer and also ever closer to having o...
A. 26 November 2010: If she did this because she had to...most likely she has already paid enough. I am sure those years of prostitution were horrible for her and were times she herself would like to forget, just as you would.
You know, in a way, my own feeling ... (read in full...)
For the guys, can men and women be "just friends"?
Q. Can men and women be "just friends"? Or are men only friends with women that they are attracted to or fine attractive? Speaking from a woman's perspective, I know we can have platonic friends. Let's hear it from the men. :)...
A. 22 November 2010: I think it is possible under certain circumstances, like when you grew up with someone and the person is literally like a sister. But in adult life, to be close friends with a woman, whom you care for and share parts of yourself, i think it is ... (read in full...)
For men: Is it physical or personality?
Q. I have a question for men and women. What do men find sexy, or what attracts them to a woman? Is it mostly physical, is it personality, etc...? ...
A. 22 November 2010: Personality is nice...but what about character, no one brought that up. Like: can you trust her, is she a good person, etc. That is very attractive too.... (read in full...)
Emotional drained, confused, fustrated, and angry at myself ...so is this love?
Q. I have like this women for a number of years and I dont know if its love I feel for her or self-disillusionment(basically seeing something thats not really there) I think I love this women but I shouldnt I not going into details, but I have liked or ...
A. 22 November 2010: I am just getting out of a similar situation. No, this is not a healthy relationship. It is *infatuation*, which she using to her advantage. As I have come to learn the hard way, love involves acceptance and appreciation by the other person, feeling ... (read in full...)
Why does her past bug me so much!
Q. Hi I have posted a few items now and I am sure a number of you will recognise which ones when I write on.... this is another post to see if I can tap into your wisdom again. My girlfriend and I get ever closer and also ever closer to having o...
A. 21 November 2010: I was in a situation that, although quite different because I was not in a romantic relationship with the girl, was similar in that I struggled with her past. I had a crush on a girl I was friends with even though I knew she had done porn, escort ... (read in full...)
I am very tempted to have lots of sex and see what is out there for me. Should I?
Q. I am very tempted to have lots of sex and see what is out there for me. I am in a long distance relationship with an older man who has done it all and been there but I have no experience and I feel like I am missing out on plenty of things. I need ...
A. 20 November 2010: I think you need to ask yourself what you think you are missing out on. Going on a journey to expand yourself and your horizons is a wonderful and exciting thing. But it needs to emerge from a feeling of wanting to grow as a person, of feeling ... (read in full...)
Why do people do this texting, facebook crap when they are in good relationships?
Q. As my username says, I am truly looking for answers. I have just finished having all of my girlfriend's belongings moved out of my house and I am sitting here wondering how she could have been so stupid and unthinking to ruin such a wonderful ...
A. 20 November 2010: I am struck by a couple things:
First, you claim to be surprised at how she could "ruin such a wonderful relationship" and a "lifestyle which could never dream of" with a "handsome, successful businessman".
Obviously, she did "ruin a wonderfu... (read in full...)
Her sexual past bothers me!
Q. I have been married for quite some years and I didn't ask about her past. But it came up. I told her that it was before me and it should not matter. Sooner or later it would come up, she has had numerous sexual partners in 3 years and none of ...
A. 8 November 2010: Anonymous,
There are some questions here that I think need answering first, which may help shine a light on how to view the situation.
The first is you say "she has had numerous sexual partners in 3 years and none of them she loved and none o... (read in full...)
I judge my friend and her lack of morals. Does that make me a jerk?
Q. I know a girl who I became friends with. She works as a model and is staying here on a visa. I am in graphics and I made her a Web site for free as a favor. In the course of this Web site, I found out she has a past--and a present, too. Ab...
A. 5 November 2010: CindyCares, I sent you an email but want to thank you again for your input.
In response to what you wrote:
"Actions speak louder than words. See what she does. Is she behaving as a good friend to you ? Can you talk to her about your probl... (read in full...)
I judge my friend and her lack of morals. Does that make me a jerk?
Q. I know a girl who I became friends with. She works as a model and is staying here on a visa. I am in graphics and I made her a Web site for free as a favor. In the course of this Web site, I found out she has a past--and a present, too. Ab...
A. 5 November 2010: Thanks, all, for the replies.
As CaringGuy said, she has a lot of damage, it is true. A lot of bad things have happened to her. And I am sure she has been used tremendously. I have tried not to use her and to see her as a person, not as a way to... (read in full...)
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