A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:what should i do? i have been with this girl for nearly a year, she's my first everything, and i love her so much. I honestly do care about her. she feels the same way and we always talk about how we want a future together. we never fight or anything. but i just have this on going problem, she has had so many guys in her life. On her facebook they're constantly posting on her wall saying how they miss her and want hang out, and she does the same. she also texts other guys occasionaly.she knows this bothers me, i have not asked her to stop, because i can't tell her to give up her friends. but it gets to me sooooooooo much, i literaly shut down when i see her and a guy commenting back and forth on her facebook. i know she wouldn't physicaly cheat, but this chatting, semi flirty talking rips at me. It's not going to stop, she needs guys in her life, but i need her. we do everything together and our lives revolve around each other. breaking up makes me feel depressed, yet i feel crappy staying. i'm so torn
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male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (9 April 2011):
 You are right in your analysis that she needs guys in her life, and Abella is right that she is getting a serious buzz from this. For whatever reason, she needs this attention and this feeling of control, power and influence over guys.
You are also right in having this bother you. It is normal and would bother any man. For one, you deserve and should expect undivided romantic attention from a girl you are dating. For another, it is a window into a part of her character: she might be manipulative and a tease.
But here is the part I do not understand. You write: "she knows this bothers me, i have not asked her to stop, because i can't tell her to give up her friends."
First of all, these are NOT her friends! They are guys who are interested in her. Also, why DON'T you ask her to stop? You have every right to do so, if it bothers you.
You need to discuss this with her. If she is as caring as you say, then she will try to stop or look deeper as to why she needs to do this. It's a legitimate request you have, and one that you both need to address.
A
male
reader, soul83  +, writes (9 April 2011):
OK Let's address the issues at play here.Yes, it's a bit disrespectful for her to be flirting so openly to other guys. But you need to assess her behaviour in context. Is she actually going out with these guys? What's the nature and frequency of her communication with them? Does she introduce you or mention you to them? Can they see your relationship status on facebook?Now, it sounds like she loves you a lot so don't blow this all out of proportion. "we do everything together..." -- be careful not to fall into the trap of co-dependence. It will kill off everything. You both need to schedule time out for yourselves. Otherwise it will reach the point where you will resent each other.In any case, I think the first comment is right. You could be blowing this all out of proprtion and making it difficult on yourself. Don't let something small destroy your relationship. Don't let resentment build up either.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 April 2011):
 she's flirting and that is very upsetting for you. But she's still young. She is getting a serious buzz from seeing the power she can have over guys. I don't sense that she is doing wrong other than being very sociable and flirty. But i sense that both have a good rapport together. I just wonder if you are imagining more is going on than is the case. Some girls (and guys) are just so much more popular than others. But not in a sexual sense, just as someone others like, and miss. But not sexually, but as a friend. It would be sad to lose what you have togeher over a simple misunderstanding
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A
female
reader, annakat +, writes (9 April 2011):
 This comes down to you trusting her. You say you're positive she'd never actually cheat on you, and that's good. I have this problem a lot because almost all of my friends are guys and my boyfriends tend to get worried or jealous. You really love her and you say you two never fight, so this is going to be your first obstacle. If you can't overcome her being friends with guys, how will you get through other problems that will eventually surface? You just need to remember that life isn't always easy and a good relationship needs understanding and compromise. If you really love her you'll be able to tell her that you're okay with her having guy friends and that you want her to be happy. If you can't do that, then maybe you two just aren't meant to be. Good luck.
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