New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login238543 questions, 1052652 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap
*chlottjl agony aunt

*chlottjl

United States  (?   XML/RSS

Like what they write?
... Add *chlottjl to your favourite agony aunts

Want to get in touch?
... Send *chlottjl a private message

*chlottjl's Ratings
Excellent70%
Average7%
Poor23%
*chlottjl's profile:

I am a mom from the San Francisco Bay Area. I have a degree in Economics and a minor in philosophy and almost in Psychology. I wont take sides in arguments because no matter what it seems like, no one knows enough about what is really going on to judge. (Sometimes, least of all, those closely involved!)

I tend to empathize with both sides in arguments and try not to see things as simple. Human nature means there will be misunderstandings. It is only when we are honest with ourselves about who we are and what we want and need, are honest and sincere about communicating that to others, and choose quality people to share our time, that we have a chance at turning problems into opportunities for growth and happiness.

12345Next > [5 pages, 156 answers]

My husband said his feelings for me could change again, but only if I kicked my daughter out of our house!

Q.   My husband and I have been married for two years. We have both been married before and have children from previous relationships, we also have our own four year old son. We have had quite a few problems in the past but have always managed to ...

A.   15 September 2007: You have a responsibility to your daughter. You didn't say she did anything at all to deserve this. Had she set fire to the house purposefully or tried to kill your other child I could understand. But this is vindictive and horrifying. I don't k... (read in full...)

Some tips to help me orgasm from penetratiev sex?

Q.   Hi, I need tips to help me orgasm from penatrive sex. I have never had an orgasm. My boyfriends penis size is fine, we have plenty of fore play too. I always orgasm during cunnilingus, am I too used to the thrill of oral sex maybe? Can you sugg...

A.   15 September 2007: God bless you for your efforts but my question would be why it mattered. You are lucky enough to orgasm at all at your age. Most women do not. It could be that you wont ever or that you wont until your sexual peak (for many women that is in their ... (read in full...)

My husband said his feelings for me could change again, but only if I kicked my daughter out of our house!

Q.   My husband and I have been married for two years. We have both been married before and have children from previous relationships, we also have our own four year old son. We have had quite a few problems in the past but have always managed to ...

A.   15 September 2007: You have a responsibility to your daughter. You didn't say she did anything at all to deserve this. Had she set fire to the house purposefully or tried to kill your other child I could understand. But this is vindictive and horrifying. I don't kn... (read in full...)

How can I make them understand that he makes me happy?

Q.   Hi, i need some help I have just gotten into a relationship with a guy whos 19 (20 in november). I am 15 and turn 16 in december. Since getting with this guy I have become amazingly happy. We have spoken about the whole sex situation and have...

A.   15 September 2007: First, You do not need to feel bad about how you feel. The eww comments are all about him if anyone. You are the younger one and the underage one. You are also very close in age so you probably have a legit relationship. I am very happy to hear that ... (read in full...)

Married for all the wrong reasons. Met a soul mate in someone else. Pls help.

Q.   Married for all the wrong reasons. Met my soulmate in someone else. Please help....

A.   15 September 2007: Soul mate? Do you really believe in just one person who is perfect for you? You might find that there are always people who seem better than what you have now. The reason is that you don't really know them that well. The first stage of romance... (read in full...)

I'm worried I wont be big enough to satisfy my girl!

Q.   HI IM 15 AND IM ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY GF MY PENIS 5'5 INCHES LNG IM SORTA CONSCIOUS ABOUT THIS COZ I HEAR HER GOING ON ABOUT BIG PENISES SHE IS A VIRGIN IM SKILLED IN BED AND I KNOW MANY WAYS TO PLEASE A GIRL BUT I DONT KNOW IF ILL BE ABLE TO ...

A.   15 September 2007: You are normal and normal is very good. She is a virgin so she has no idea what to expect. Even if she has seen pictures or movies, real life has a blessed way of seeming larger than film. But the important thing is that if she would have the gall ... (read in full...)

I've heard rumours my boyfriend is seeing someone else! Should I move on?

Q.   I have been with my boyfriend for six years now. We lived together for five of those years my mother got sick so i had to move home to take care of her. he didn't move with me he found his own place. we still were together. I have a 3 year old son ...

A.   2 May 2006: The question is what has HE done wrong (you just asked if rumors are true). I think you should move on since he seems to already moved on. There is no sense in staying put in a spot where you are alone and where he humiliates you and shows yo... (read in full...)

I need advice so that I can get my husband to talk to me... anyone please?

Q.   please give me tips/advice that i could give my husband so that he will start talking to me. we've been together for 19 years and he's just always been so not concerned about me yet when i ask for divorce, he would not agree. ...

A.   2 May 2006: My advice is to live as if he is not there. There is a strange push/pull or run/chase quality in some relationships. That is when you need him to notice or appreciate you (or you need anything else at all from him) and he simple will not care and ... (read in full...)

I had post natal depression, but he doesn't believe in that and throws everything I said back at me!

Q.   hi my partner keeps leaving every time we argue ,our arguments can get out of hand i scream +bawl but i calm down as soon as iv had my say i had a baby last yr.+ was diagnosed with postnatal depression but instead of being supportive he kept leaving ...

A.   2 May 2006: I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I too have had a few years like that (starting about 3.5 years ago when my best friend and bro died.) I am not sure this will help you but I really hope it does since I hear your pain in your question... (read in full...)

How do I cope with being dumped..by text! Any suggestions to get over this

Q.   im so upset i can't function, I can't get my head around why derek suddenly out of the blue, dumped me, we were getting on lovely and he had planned next weekend to pick me up and take me to his and spend the night together. We saw each other fri ...

A.   25 April 2006: Okay, You did not say how long you were together. If a short time, he is probably back with his son and ex. It is sad he took it out on you but the illnes could have reminded him of old times. No matter what, do not contact him again for at least... (read in full...)

How do I understand his mixed signals?

Q.   attention guys! I need your help. what does it mean when a guy sends some major mixed signals? I really liked this guy but he always refused to answer the question "do you want to be more than just friends?" yet told me once that he thinks abou...

A.   25 April 2006: Listen to the wisdom and I have some good/bad news as well. I have been surfing the web and caught an unfortunate new movement. Now I notice it everywhere. It is a treat them poorly and they will want to have sex with you on your terms. . . And... (read in full...)

New feature: Ratings by question asker

Q.   Hi guys if you go to the "top agony aunts" link (www.dearcupid.org/people), you will now see ratings by question asker. I'll shortly be rolling this out to your column page too so you can see your ratings at a glance. Thanks! Andrew PS. As...

A.   25 April 2006: I have been so busy lately that I have not been by the site lately. I love what you have done. Just about every thing I wished for is now here. The one I think that I really hoped for was the feedback after answering. We had no way of knowing ... (read in full...)

Do I let the gorgeous guy at work, I really like him or do I forget it and preserve my current relationship?

Q.   I'm in a relationship but i've just met a co-worker/friend of my boyfriend and he is Gorgeous! i was immediately attracted to him, and his personality excites me. He also is in a long-term relationship (girlfriend). i'm wondering if there is any way ...

A.   25 April 2006: I agree. Avoid him since you will can't mess every one up for a maybe. Keep in mind that there are thousands of gorgeous, interesting people out there and you will be attracted to most of them. That is normal. What you want to do though is, not ... (read in full...)

Ashamed of my sexual encounters, What can I do?

Q.   i have a problem.when i get intimate with a man it dosnt happen sometimes.im so tight down there that they cant get it in and i dont know what to do,its very embarrassing and upsetting and i would like to know,is theyre anything i can do to make me ...

A.   25 April 2006: There are a few possible issues at play here and the first is that you are probably nervous. When nervous you tend not to lube and you will be tight. If you are not enjoying sex for that reason you could try to relax and breathe deeply. Add more ... (read in full...)

Things seemed "back on track" but then she went from loving me to hating me in under 24hrs... (editor: long but worth it!)

Q.   My girlfriend and I are both 31. We currently live 2 hours apart but see each other 3 days a week. I love my girlfriend so much but we are always arguing over silly things. It’s mostly because she isn’t very good at compromise and I can be stu...

A.   21 March 2006: You have a right to get the tools back and if she calls the police just explain you need all of your stuff back. If you are very concerned text he saying that you will either send someone or will come for them yourself but have to get them back and ... (read in full...)

He takes an interest in and asks about me, and I'm very attracted. Problem is, he's married with kids...

Q.   I work at a gas station, I've been there for almost a year. One of the guys that comes in to stock the soda is attractive funny and nice, he flirts with me and of course I flirt back. I'm 20 years old and he is 28. The only problem is that he ...

A.   21 March 2006: Oh no. I feel bad for you because you are likely to really not like any good answer that will protect your heart from really, really deep hurt. Here is the thing. He may like you, but what does that say about him? That his word (vows) mean not... (read in full...)

Our 6-hour chats are down to an hour or less. Does it mean something?

Q.   Hi, Please help. Me and my bf have had an on-off relationship since the end of January. We've gone out with each other at least 3 times if not more, each time I've dumped him. Itss cuz he's cheated on me with his ex (or so I'm told it's his ex). W...

A.   21 March 2006: I cannot tell from your question whether you are long distance or not but either way, six hours is a VERY long time to chat (even in person. . . and even if, like me, you are social and talkative.) Particularly for any guy. In fact it is long enough ... (read in full...)

At about the time he started having feelings for me, he decided it was time to "step back"!

Q.   I have been seeing/hanging out with this guy since september. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his early fourties. He has been hot and cold with me all along. Until the past couple of weeks something had changed and it seemed like he was ...

A.   16 November 2005: Ignore him totally and run from this guy. Don't analyze him just run. He has the classic symptoms (in every single way as if you made him up based on the symptoms) of a man with severe commitment phobia. He is nothing but trouble. Let his real ... (read in full...)

He wants some time apart, but he doesn't want to lose me, either...

Q.   Hello, I have been hurting lately. I don't know how to cope with this and I don't know what to do. Well I was living with my boyfriend, but a few weeks ago he broke up with me. He says he needs his space. He said he has been hurting for a while. H...

A.   16 November 2005: I think he is trying to be nice but is not doing a very good job. I have to assume you moved into his place because you do the moving when he wants to see other chicks. Nice. He wants to have sex with you and others too. Very nice. Liste... (read in full...)

When I feel shy, I drink too much... then I get too rowdy!

Q.   Hi, It's not really about relationship advice, I just wanted help. Saturday it was my friend's birthday so we all went out. I got wasted and the man I have liked for ages and who told me he liked me too was there. But when he saw me he went som...

A.   14 November 2005: First stop drinking and don't drink no matter what. Be the designated driver. People love the designated driver. Once you get the reputation as cool if everyone else is drinking, and you are sober, Just watch how as they get drunk, they get rowdy ... (read in full...)

When I feel shy, I drink too much... then I get too rowdy!

Q.   Hi, It's not really about relationship advice, I just wanted help. Saturday it was my friend's birthday so we all went out. I got wasted and the man I have liked for ages and who told me he liked me too was there. But when he saw me he went som...

A.   14 November 2005: First stop drinking and don't drink no matter what. Be the designated driver. People love the designated driver. Once you get the reputation as cool if everyone else is drinking, and you are sober, Just watch how as they get drunk, they get rowdy ... (read in full...)

I don't understand why my boyfriend needs porn to have sex with me!

Q.   Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. Wwe have 2 children. The last 2 months every time we are going to have sex he puts on a porn film and I don't understand why. Becouse he gets hard when he kisses me. This is really making me...

A.   14 November 2005: Porn in and of itself should not threaten you per say. If you enjoyed how- he got so hot that he made you feel better, then it would be great. The problem is that suddenly he needs it and that is different and somewhat degrading. You will know if ... (read in full...)

How can we stop fighting so much over financial issues? And how can we restore the spark?

Q.   Call me M.J. I am 35 years old. I am married. Lately, all my wife and I do is fight, especially over money. There is never enough. I want to help, but I don't have my disability yet. Is there any way for us to restore the fire in our lives? If an...

A.   13 November 2005: Hi MJ This is not at all uncommon as you probably already know. You don't give enough info to give you specific advice but since you did mention disability pay kicking in soon, I can imagine that the lack of income at this time is stressful. Her... (read in full...)

Is my soulmate still out there, while I'm still here with my boyfriend?

Q.   I've been with my boyfriend for four years. It has always been nice. He's supportive, a good listener, an honest, hard worker, and awesome at night. We get along very well, like best friends. I'm very comfortable and happy with him. But sometimes I ...

A.   6 November 2005: First of all, you have to decide what a soul mate is. Is it someone who "completes you"? Do they fit perfectly so that you know and never have to question it? Would there be no conflict or very little? Would they agree with you on all important ... (read in full...)

I have the dirt on my friend's cheating wife. Would it help to tell him?

Q.   I just found out that my best guy friend's wife has been cheating on him. I've never liked her because she treats him like dirt. She is ten years older than him and has two grown kids from another marriage. Her kids are drug addicts and have ...

A.   6 November 2005: I would think long and hard about that if you want to keep a friend. What you think of her is not the point except that it would be easy for your friends wife to say you hate her and that is why you are trying to break them up. Not to mention that ... (read in full...)

We're both unhappy and we fight. He doesn't want to divorce, so what do we do?

Q.   2 months ago my husband moved out saying he felt trapped and isolated. Since then I have been giving him space, and he has now moved back into the spare room but he says he doesn't love me like he should. He doesn't know why this is. Over the past ...

A.   1 November 2005:  Therapy. You go even if he doesn't want to. Then you change what ever it takes so that you don't damage things further. If you get angry, fake it and act like a loving wife. Don't suppress the anger, look into ways of letting it out respectf... (read in full...)

He lives with his parents and he won't give me a firm date for his moving out of their place and in with me!

Q.   Believe him, or is he just trying to shut me up? I am engaged to a man who is currently living with his parents. I have my own place, and we want to live together like we had in the past. He says he really really wants to come back here, but then...

A.   1 November 2005: He is not old enough to be married. You must be able to leave the nest first, it is required. Your not engaged you are begging but he ain't hearing you. He is fine being apart from you and he is so spineless he blames his parents. Stop pushing ... (read in full...)

My child's father doesn't want to know about the pregnancy. What should I do?

Q.   I am 6 weeks pregnant. The child's father doesn't want to know and is married. I have 3 difficult teenagers and am a lone parent running my own business. My life is hectic and full and I am 40. I have absolutely no family other than my 3 children. D...

A.   1 November 2005: Why question this? Are you asking if you should want to keep the baby? Are you afraid that what you really long for is the father to leave his wife for you? Those would be normal questions but I think your question is probably not clearly defined ... (read in full...)

We have a mutual sexual attraction, yes, but does he LIKE me?

Q.   I am totally in to this guy I go to school with. We have been friends for about a year and have always joked and teased each other. Well a couple months ago we started talking and realized there was a mutual sexual attraction and acted on it. We m...

A.   27 October 2005: I just answered a question posed by a broken heated gal who hoped for the best and got the worst. You may want to go through the archives and see how things can turn out when we are not totally honest with our selves and with the opposite sex. ... (read in full...)

His online dating profile didn't mean anything. So why does he want to meet the fake person I put on the site?

Q.   HELP me:( I thought I found the love of my life. I have been with him for 2 years. He has two wonderful children that I love. He got married at 20, and divorced after 6 years. then was in another relationship of 3 years that did not work out...

A.   27 October 2005: Tell him the gig is up. I took an IQ test and now get generic "someone is waiting to meet you..." junk mail. But I have no profile. A profile is intent to get feedback and if on a dating site, intent to date. You did not even need to send anything ... (read in full...)

We're having another go at counselling, but he's still looking at porn on the web!

Q.   My husband and I have been married for 4 years. Three years ago and two years ago I found porn in the house. L told him one more time and I'd throw him out as this really repulses me. We went to marriage counselling and discussed this but I got ...

A.   25 October 2005: I have to say that you might be overreacting here. He is waiting to see a Dr or he has and is getting a second opinion? You say he has OCD. That is a medical diagnosis. So he does not necessarily have that and I wonder about the self destructive ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend isn't his ex's child's real father, so why does he spend all his Saturdays with the kid?

Q.   Ok I have a real problem. My partner of 4 months went out with a women who was pregnant when they got together - the child views my bf as his dad, and my bf regards the child as his son. I have never met the child. When he sees him every other Sa...

A.   25 October 2005: He is the child’s real father just not his biological dad. If the bio dad is in the picture, it might be a tad different. Here is the thing, in most western countries he does have a leg to stand on legally. If the kid sees him as a dad, he should ... (read in full...)

I think when my boyfriend's upset that he tries deliberately to hurt me. Was I wrong to break up?

Q.   Today I finished with my Bf of 2 years. I love him, he definitely loves me, he was inconsolable when he left. In the last 3 months, when we argue, he goes out, sometimes 3-4 in morning and doesnt come back to the next day. He goes round friends ...

A.   25 October 2005: When you no longer want to continue a relationship with someone you break up. You do not even have to have a reason. You are not married and might want to tell the other person why so that there is closure but that is optional. If you truly want to ... (read in full...)

I want to stop being so controlling and jealous with my boyfriend. How do I do it?

Q.   I am a very controlling individual. I cant help but call my boyfriend because I am worried that he is messing around. I am also very jealous and I want his world to revolve around me 24/7. I hate being this way, and I want to change. Is there any ...

A.   24 October 2005: There is no easy way to advise a control freak but here is my best offer. Control yourself since it is the only person that you have any sway with anyway. Every issue you mentioned in your question is a SELF- esteem problem. Nothing that anyone says ... (read in full...)

I want to stop being so controlling and jealous with my boyfriend. How do I do it?

Q.   I am a very controlling individual. I cant help but call my boyfriend because I am worried that he is messing around. I am also very jealous and I want his world to revolve around me 24/7. I hate being this way, and I want to change. Is there any ...

A.   24 October 2005: There is no easy way to advise a control freak but here is my best offer. Control yourself since it is the only person that you have any sway with anyway. Every issue you mentioned in your question is a SELF- esteem problem. Nothing that anyone says ... (read in full...)

I don't feel like I have anything about me that would attract women. And my penis is bent like a banana!

Q.   I'm a 28 year old male living in London. I would love to be in a relationship but I don't have any confidence at all. I'm going bold, losing my looks, and the big thing is that my penis is the shape of a banana (it's bending to one side)..yes my ...

A.   24 October 2005: A bend is a plus, more friction. If it was a 90 degree turn, then worry. Bend is normal from what I have seen. The number one attraction for women is confidence and a sense of self. NOT looks. Do not think that women think like men. You will not... (read in full...)

Who should have the condoms?

Q.   This probably sounds stupid, but who is supposed to carry a condom: the female or the male?...

A.   23 October 2005: Whom ever wants no STDs and babies.... (read in full...)

My online chat-guy turned out to be 40, and he convinced me to have sex with him...

Q.   H, I'm 16 years old and in May this year I met a guy over the net and we got on very well for about 3 months and we decided to meet. Then I discovered that he had lied about his age. When we met in August he told me he was 40 years old. He ...

A.   23 October 2005: If you live in the US, please file against him if not for you, do it for me. He took advantage of you and is a sick jerk. It doesn't matter what you did and you will be able to see that as you get older. He had the power and that is why it is called ... (read in full...)

My boyfriend is used to being the best, and now he's competing with ME!

Q.   I've been dating my boyfriend about 8 1/2 months, and he's always upset. We're in grad school together, and he won't stop making things competitive between us. He's really smart, but I do better than he does, both in terms of grades, and in terms ...

A.   23 October 2005: You say that this is not important to you, but I really don't think you are being honest with yourself. You made it sound like he is brilliant but you are more so. No problem so long as you don't want to date most men. You have some decisions to ... (read in full...)

Should I have sex with my boyfriend. If so, where?

Q.   I need to know if I should have sex with my boyfriend. I'm 16; he is 18. If I should or decide to, where should we do it at? What do I do physically with him?...

A.   23 October 2005: Please wait. I really think that since women mature sexually so much later that you will regret it if you do it too soon. It will not be all romance and fun as you might imagine and your heart will be that much more open to deep heart ache. I hav... (read in full...)

*chlottjl's friends

These are mutual friends, so *chlottjl has added them and they have added *chlottjl!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.124999800002115!