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I want to stop being so controlling and jealous with my boyfriend. How do I do it?

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Question - (23 October 2005) 43 Answers - (Newest, 17 January 2011)
A female , *issababy13 writes:

I am a very controlling individual. I cant help but call my boyfriend because I am worried that he is messing around. I am also very jealous and I want his world to revolve around me 24/7. I hate being this way, and I want to change. Is there any way I could change the way i treat my boyfriend? I am so thankful he is with me. Please help. I want to change!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011):

The time and energy spent in checking phones, texts, emails internet history is time you are wasting. If you can't trust the person your with because they did something to take that trust away then it is not worth condeming yourselves to this prison of suspicion. I was married for 12 years of my life. The man I married was not the man I divorced. We have 2 amazing sons together but like all of you he cheated on my several times and like you I tried to see the brighter side of things but could not get away from the suspicion of him doing it again. He had a pattern. It was every 3 years I caught him. There comes a time in your relationship where you have to sit back and clear your mind of the clutter and think if this life style is what you want to continue having for the rest of your live. Is this what life is all about. No peace no trust always looking over your shoulder and evaluating every move and conversation your boyfriend or girlfriend makes. I think not. And from my own experience yes breaking away is hard and never easy but the peace and sense of getting out of that prison of suspicion is truly amazing in itself. The freedom that comes from that is like taking boulders off your chest. If the person you are with truly loves you and truly cares for you they will have no eyes for someone else. They will have no care to get involved with someone else.

Everything I am stating in this answer is from my own life expereince and I hope it helps. God Bless!

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A female reader, amylee2 Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (17 January 2011):

amylee2 agony auntits the same with me.. i cant stop being jealous when my boyfriend flirts with other girls.. i need to get over this :( it makes me so sad :(

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A female reader, ST Wifey United States +, writes (19 June 2010):

Learning from experience. MJealousy will ruin a relationship!! I am an extremely jealous person of my husband and I was not like that before we married or with anyone else in the past. I was slightly jealous sometimes but well within the normal jealousy range, some jealousy is normal. But it went over the top when we started having major issues. He went outside the marriage to deal. I am no where near over it. But it made me realize a lot.

After the shock and anger and hurt and jealousy and betrayal hatred feeling settled down a bit I was able to think more clearly. Maybe these tips might help:

I was going insane in my head, INSANE anytime he talked to another girl, anytime we were not physically together, over anything and everything. It was so intense sometimes I thought it would kill me. I knew that was not an option so out of desperation I started journaling whatever I was thinking in my computer just for myself. I thought it was stupid at first but after I had done it for a little while whenever I felt like I was going to lose it I found it helped SO much. It helped me sort out my thoughts, get things off my chest, and then I could go back and read what I wrote and see where I myself could make changes. That really helped.

I did endless reading on this stuff, trying anything to stop feeling this way all the time. I read several articles on signs of cheating and if your partner might be tired of you or bla bla bla. I realized something.

90% of the things it said might be typical if your partner is being shady so to speak he wasn't doing. He always came home afyer work, I checked his phone and internet excessively, and more. I would compare his texts to the ones on the bill to see if he was deleting things. Nothing ever came up.

I realized, I am the one with a huge problem. So I am trying to give my husband the benefit of the doubt one last time. I realized that is the only way I was able to stay in the marriage. Making things up in my head and constantly LOOKING for what is not happening had me so blinded that I couldn't see and appreciate what was.

From then I still journaled when I felt my mind going out of control. But I tried to realize that if I love him I need to take a risk of trusting again. If he says he is at this place, believe he is no questiions asked and trust me ITS HARD but it gets easier. trust that you chose someone who would love you and not intentionally hurt you. Try to picture things that if that person were doing to you you couldn't stand it and might leave and try hard to not do those things to him or her, how would you feel?

Every day write down positive things about your relationship or at least think about them. Focus on that instead of all the dreaded irrational thoughts.

Focus on what is, not what was or what could be. DO NOT WHAT IF. You will talk yourself into things that are not happening or are not the way they really are, your mind will make things up and you will act on what is not even a factor and that will drive your partner away.

Journal to yourself, read all you can online, if the person is well worth it and it's that bad, get outside help. You will feel a lot better. And if you feel you can't do these things in my opinion it;s better to get out of the relationship. It's better to be healthy on your own than sick in a bad relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009):

ive been having the same problem i cant trust my boyfriend at all he used to like all my friends and even my exbestfriend -anonymous- sent him naked pics of herself to him and he keeps them in his draw and he tells me he loves me and i dont know if he really means it or he dosent want me suspicous he is really a great looking guy that has a good personality even though he used to be a player he says he changed but i cant trust him yet even though he wants me to trust him

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009):

ya my bf started talking to some girl over myspace and i asked if they had eachothers number and he said no. but then i checked his myspace and he gave her his number. he denied saying he didnt. then i told him to stop talking to her and he said he would. but they started texting instead. once she sent him something like "hey blueberry muffin with butter on top" or something. anyways i keep checking his phone and calling him 100 times a day and checking his myspace. then i read his journal and he just wrote that he misses his x gf. we have been together for a little over a year and we live together now. i know i shouldnt have read his journal behind his back but i found out so much stuff about him. now i always wonder if he would leave me for his x. how do i keep this from ruining our relationship?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009):

i have the same issue with my boyfriend. I absolutly cant stand it when i see him with other girls! hes been 18 for 10 months now, and im 18 in about a weeks time. in the past 10 months i have bene unable to trust him. i always assume that he is cheating on me. for several reasons : he has done previously(but only a kiss) and then he said something that made me realise there was no trust, "i wouldnt tell you if i cheated, because i want to make you happy". this show she cares, but that he would cheat and not tell me. so you can understand why i cant trust him. he's a guys lad but he has loads of girl friends aswel. hes very attractive and has an amazing personality. i have very low self esteem, even though lots of guys have been or are attracted to me. i just cant seem t believe why. and i cant understand why my boyfriend has been with me for other a year now.

i want to stop my jelousy of other girls. he gets mad and thinks i judge his girl friends, when really im just scared they fancy him, or that he might fancy them.

i want to be able to show him that i dont care when he goes out with girls. i want to be able to not have to ay "dance with anyone?, get with anyone?" that way he wont get mad at me when i ask... but sometimes i just have to

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A male reader, SoLost2442 United States +, writes (22 June 2008):

I like so many before me have this problem bad. I went away for three months and she didn't want us to be in a relationship because of the distance but said she would wait for me, well she didn't and lied abt it continuously. She was telling me she loved me, but was telling him the same thing. Well they broke up and now I am home and we are together but I can't stop thinking she will chet on me. I know she only did it because I was not there to be w/ her but I still am so afraid. In all my insecurities now she is considering if she even wants to be with me. She only makes friends w/ guys which is even harder. She also is not used to hanging out in groups so when she has friends over I am left out, making me feel totally jealous. I really do love her with all my heart but it is so hard. My insides get torn up seeing her even talk to a guy, and I am so paranoid I think every guy wants to get with her. I love her and am so afraid of losing her. I am going to fight my emotions and persevere because she is worth it!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008):

there is a medication that can help you control it and mellow your mood swings go to your doctor explain it and ask to put you on SSRI i love it and i made a 360 turn arround

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008):

This is the best advice any of you will ever get...I was so controlling, I would get mad if my girlfriend got dressed up, wore anything but sweatpants and a sweater, or went out with her friends. I would get so jealous and angry that I would break things and call her names. I decided that I didnt want to be like this anymore and I looked for help. Are you guys ready for the best advice I ever got..here it is...think of all of the things that get you mad, or that you try to control... I hated when my girlfriend went to play indoor soccer with her girlfriends, because I knew that there was going to be a bunch of guys there, ussually drunk and would hit on her(she is one of the best looking girls ive ever seen. amazing body, amazing face, and spansih) anyways I thought about all the things that she did that i tried to control, and I just let her do it. if she said that she was going to go with her girlfriends, I would say ok baby have a great time...in my head I was having a freak out and I felt like i was going to die..or if she said she was going to play indoor soccer, I would say Ok baby have a great time and score lots of goals..after doing this over and over and over agian, and nothing ever happening...I realized that my baby wanted to be with me, and that she wasnt going anywhere...I still struggle from time to time, but i alwasy have something to fall back on...I can say, I remeber that time where my girlfirend got soo dressed up and went out with her friends, but nothing ever happened...it is like confronting a fear...if your scared of snakes, go buy a snake and let it sleep in your room...if your scared of heights go bungee jumping..if your scared your girlfriend is going to cheat on you are you are going to loose her, let her go into the situations where it could happen...and WHEN it doesnt happen, you will realize so much...trust me on this one..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008):

I've had to deal with jealousy with my boyfriend. I'd always get extremely jealous when he would hang out with other girls and I realized how ridiculous I was being.

I wouldn't like it if he was controlling and jealous so I shouldn't be either. I've learned to trust him because I know that no matter how many girls he's friends with I'm the one he comes back to. I love him very much and getting over my jealousy has helped strenghten our relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008):

im having the same issue mabye worse my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2yrs and i love him dearly but i recently found out that he cheated on me and the girl ended up pregnant and her baby is 6mos old and im now 3mos pregnant by him.He said it was because of my attitude and my messed up ways that drove him to do what he did but its like the girl(his baby mama who he's been with for 10yrs)took advantage of him and forced him to sleep with her,he said he was drunk and high out ofw his mind which i know how he is when he's drunk and high at the same time hes an easy target you can do whatever to him and he wont know because he's that wasted.my thing is this was it intentional or not he said her babies were mistakes and that he wanted ours and that his own kids couldnt bring them back together thats why hes with me i just dont understand or even know what to do.She says to me he loves you and wants to be with you but cant because hes not over me and on mothers day she popped up over their and i was their and she got out the car tellin me im wasting my time with him and then hes comin down the road and shes like here he comes let me leave I JUST DONT GET IT I DONT I REALLY DONT.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008):

im having the same issue mabye worse my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2yrs and i love him dearly but i recently found out that he cheated on me and the girl ended up pregnant and her baby is 6mos old and im now 3mos pregnant by him.He said it was because of my attitude and my messed up ways that drove him to do what he did but its like the girl(his baby mama who he's been with for 10yrs)took advantage of him and forced him to sleep with her,he said he was drunk and high out ofw his mind which i know how he is when he's drunk and high at the same time hes an easy target you can do whatever to him and he wont know because he's that wasted.my thing is this was it intentional or not he said her babies were mistakes and that he wanted ours and that his own kids couldnt bring them back together thats why hes with me i just dont understand or even know what to do.She says to me he loves you and wants to be with you but cant because hes not over me and on mothers day she popped up over their and i was their and she got out the car tellin me im wasting my time with him and then hes comin down the road and shes like here he comes let me leave I JUST DONT GET IT I DONT I REALLY DONT.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008):

do you know what I am 32 and i am exactly like that with my husband! When i think about how i behave i think god i am sooo boring.. i haven't been like this with anyone else its weird.. i hope you get the answers you want i will definately be keeping posted as i am sure they will help me too.. unless they have done something that you know of for which then i don't think they deserve to be trusted - then it is totally a self esteem thing. I am thinking of getting counselling before my state of mind ruins my marraige. Good luck x Julie

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008):

You cannot make a man come home, but you can make him want to. Period. If you don't losen your grip, you will lose in the end. If he wants to cheat, he is going to cheat whether you hold on tight or not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007):

I feel for you because I am going through the exact same thing, I am 26, have been with my boyf (33) for over 5 years now and if a naked or sexy dressed lady comes on tele or a dvd i flip, any little thing. We live in Cyprus and summers are torture for me as I am constantly looking around for attractive girls and will even miss out on a good night at a bar if their are loud, flirty, or even stunning girls in there, the amounts of rows we've had. If he's mates mention girls (they are single) i go mental, we nearly broke up today and it ended in my boyf crying asking me to please change. I know he wouldnt cheat, he doesnt even go out and I hate the way I am but at the time that it happens I just see red and its like an intoreable rage pumping through my body that I have to vent by blowing up. Any advice welcome !!! I have been trying to change for as long as I can remember, my boyf says I am always looking for evidence he has cheated and I wont be satisfied unless I find something. What to do !!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007):

Ive been with my current girlfriend for about a year now. I feel like I have been putting her threw hell and really testing her to see if she is who she says she is. I was in a long relationship of 5 years prior to this one. We were a month from being married and she told be she was leaving me for someone else. I was devastated. Since then my insecurites and self-doubt have been magnified by 100. Its hard for me to trust my girlfriend even though she hasnt done anything wrong. I make up scenarios and convince myself that they are the reality. I then start to feel bad about myself and blame her for it. I feel that I compete with her past. Her past boyfriends, lovers, and friends. I know of guys that she has been with and the mention of their names makes my stomache drop. She is very open and honest, but lately she feels the need to not mention certain things because I get all upset. Just little things, like if she got an email from a guy friend or something. She hides it because I will ask her a million questions about it in hopes that she will admit to doing something wrong. Then when its obvious that she hasnt, I'll stop. Then I feel bad and apologize. But, then I'll do it again. I've looked at her computer, looked at her phone, gone threw her draws (all of which are hard to admit that ive done and not proud of it) and there is no evidence whatsoever of anything. So why cant I stop? In my mind I think that its just a matter of time before the cheating and lying starts, so I try to catch it as soon as I can. Im going to lose her.......I really believe that she is an angel who has been sent to save me...everything I have ever wanted and more....perfect to me. I just cant seem to let my defenses down enough for me to be truly happy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007):

i am also like everyone else, i have been dating my boyfriend michael for almost 11 months now, and i am so jealous, i just get so hot and frustrated and my heart starts pounding so hard when i hear he talked to a girl or if i see another girl trying to talk to him. i cant stand it, we almost broke up several times because i'm way to jealous. please someone help me. i need help.

-monika

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007):

i would love to help u , but i have the same problem , it even makes me sick when i look on the interent and i see people begging for help... i have been looking for counseling books anything... i need to stop to... i need help too :(

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007):

im having quite the same issue with my girlfriend, im being very controlling because i want her to myself 24/7 and her friends are the ones trying to get her to end it with me because they are aware that im controlling. we just fought today for about 5 1/2 hours because i wasnt getting my way.. but then she broke up with me. i stayed on the phone asking for forgiveness because i want to change but i keep saying that. i keep saying i want to change but 6 times since i've said that i've failed to change. can anyone give me some tips as to what to do. i really need some help because i dont want to lose the love of my life, and im willing to try anything at this point to salvage whats left of us, so i can buy at least another month or two with her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007):

Hi,

I have the exact same probelm, except i learnt too late, me and my partner recently finished cause of bad arguments we were having, and the reason we were having them was because of my insecurites and jealousy, not saying it was ll me me but mostly, i hated him going out with his mates cause they are the sort of lads that chew women up and spit them out and i thought they would lead him astray and i even used to argue with him when he went to his mothers, but only cause she decided to move his ex gf so i wont take all the blame for that!!! Him and his mother cant see why i have a prob tho!!! i thought it would of been obvious.

All i can suggest if you know your insecure and dont want to lose the love of your life like i did then try get some help. I have looked into going to see momeone just to try and prove to my ex that i have changed my ways but he doesnt believe me cause of all the stuff that has happened already, my heart is truely broken and have done all i can to try and win him back but just aint working.

so go see someone talk to them and explain before it's too late and if it turns out to be too late go anyway so you know you can better yourself in your next relationship.

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A female reader, YorkieKrazed United States +, writes (15 February 2007):

Well, it seems as if this topic is a little old. But, 5 days ago...I lost my boyfriend of 4 years because of this very reason. Our lease is up the end of Feb. (this month) and he had gotten so sick of me yelling at him for going to school early everyday or wanting to go to his friends, he just told me we arent getting another lease together after this and its over. I am truly devastated. If I had known or realized my problem earlier, I could have stopped all of this from happening.

I keep trying to tell him how I have been reading on my controlling issues and now know how to fix them, but he seems to not believe me. I wish I could prove it to him somehow but how can I if he doesnt even talk to me!!

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A female reader, laura300489 +, writes (14 December 2006):

I have exactly the same problem, and i hate it!! i am so controling with my boyfriend. I go in a mood ifhe says he's going out with his mates or if he wants to go anywhere without me! im always wondering wo's he with and always suspect him of cheating on me! i know i have got a problem now and the advise i have read will hopefully help me to but this all behin me! i realy love my boyfriend and dont want to let this get out of hand,i am going to try my best and do woteva it takes to get rid of my controling ways.

Thanks

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A female reader, Narowin +, writes (12 December 2006):

I to also am a jelous lover, im always thinking omg hes with another girl or hes flirting with his girl m8. I trust him but i to feel though im being controlling. Try and take your mind of it, like talk to a male friend (not flirt lol) or do something that will take your mind off it, so when you do talk at leats you have something to say apart from i missed you, i missed you and what have you been up 2? lol just try and think of other things,

xxx

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A female reader, Sarah bradford +, writes (11 December 2006):

Hi i have been with my boyfriend now for 7 years and 1month tommrrow, i am so controlling and jelous with the bf that he says its pushin him away and i dont know how to stop, i hate it when he does not give me all his attention and when he goes out with his mates i think he shouldnt be having a good time cos he isnt with me:(

I do trust him but find it very hard to show it, which is causing major problmes in the relatiohship he keeps saying he should leave.

Please help me beofre i lose him for good:-( xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2006):

You know what I totally feel you i have no answers but im looking for them just as you are i cant stand it i dont even wanting him to have girls numbers in his cell phone like in a way i trust him but then what if the girl is dead gorgeous and is all over him can a guy actually say no im so controlling as well i dont like him going to parties but all of this is mutual i have no guy numbers in my phone i dont go to parties

i dont like freaking out all the time i might lose him over this please help me

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2006):

Wow, so many people going through similar pain! I too am probably too jealous, but too be honest i was ok until i saw my wife of 20 years in a full snog with a friend of mine in a club, we had all had too much to drink!

Of course at first she denied it, then said didnt know why she did it, other than my friend had told her it would wind me up!! she went ahead anyway????

Since then lots of silly lies about unimportant things!

Am i overreacting, unreasonably jealous?? have no proof of any other indescrepancies! but this hurts like hell, and i seem to be just waiting for something to happen! please advise!!!

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A female reader, justani +, writes (2 August 2006):

justani agony aunti just read all the comments that everyone had left here and its funny how most of us have damn near the same problem with our men. i believe its in any woman's nature to be jealous seeing their man/husband/boyfriend or what ever you want to call him with another woman or associating with them too much or even a little. me from my past relationship i look at men totally different i do believe that not every one is the same but some how every man i use to be with ended up hurting me to a point i felt like a knife going deep in my heart. and i do know it was becuase i was just 2 nice and i was just too lovy dovy with them and i use to just do it all for them and wait and hope they would do something for me in return and it gor to a point that i saw that they were making me feel obligated on doing things for them or buying them things. but my current guy that im with i met him over the internet 2 years ago and we have been together since then but in the beginning he was playing around alot and i had to keep finding out about other women that he was trying to talk to over the internet and etc.. and then when i found out he would be like im sorry i love you and i wont do it anymore and still i found out about another woman like a week later you know the whole internet life of being on cam and bla bla bla and to a point they had his phone number untill i went to see him and things changed because i started picking up his phone and went under his screen name and i would talk to them and they would say thing to make me mad and then when they would see i wasnt going any where they just gave up. he has a mom that just doesnt like me because of my race. his dad adores me his sister cant stand me cause i tell her off by just trying to be cordial to her. any way after a year of just dating he moved to california and now we live together and his ex wife called couple of times untill i had to get on the phone and threaten her because we both have told her not to call any more so she stopped and then some girl kept calling from texas and he lied and said it was his manager's wife being insecure and checking his phone numbers and was calling to see who the number belong to and to me if i call a number and i hear a man's voicemail i wont even bother with that number any more.. anyway untill one day he was in the shower and that number called again and i picked up and i was like who is this and i cant remember the bytch's name but she was like ** i need to talk to $$$$ and that they have been talking to eachother for a while and that she know we have 3 turtles and bla bla bla*** and anyway it became a huge fight and i kicked him out and all the drama and he came back and he swore he wont talk to her no more and since ive been checking his phone he hasnt called her or got any calls from her. or any number that i dont know of and if i dont i ask him who it is and he tells me or ***i mistriously find out*** lol... so his actions got me to be where i am now a jealous controlling and insecure person and he always blames me for everything. and i have gain weight since he moved here and now he dares to call me fat and bla bla when he gets mad and i just found out i was diabetic and also i've known for 2 years that i cant get pregnant for some medical reasons he always throws it in my face when he gets mad** dont get me wrong i dont come short on calling him losers and stuff** but he knows what he is doing and he does it so well and at times that he knows it will make me upset the most and will hurt me the most. i just dont know what to do, i know im controlling and i know its not something to be proud of and i dont want to be this way but you guys tell me what can i do? what should i do? i mean he swears up and down he doesnt do it anymore. he doesnt talk to no other women any more he isnt cheating or playing me, what would you do if you were in my place???

please help....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2006):

alright the only way to stop is to make hiim get mad at you. and then he wiil be on the verge of leaving you, then saiis sory. that or make hiim so mad that hes going to flirt with some "hottie" n then see how it is to get really jealous. i know i have let my guy do it.. it hurts.

Mell.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006):

If you love this guy then you need to trust him, i am a great believer in where there is love they most me trust you cannot have one without the other,

I would sit down and talk to him otherwise you are going to lose him.

I know i have been in this situation

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006):

what a great response from soulsista. i too have jealousy problems with my boyfriend of 8 months. i love him dearly, and i know he loves me too. he tells me everything is no problem, but i know that what i do puts stress on him and i dont like it. ive made a decision that i need to put a stop to my actions. im so insecure that when he gets a new friend of the opposite sex and he starts talking to her excessively, or talkign to me about her a lot i start to worry and conjure up imaginations in my head that he might start to like her more and leave me. and yes, i already know the root of my problem is a past relaitonship where a guy did do that to me. just tonight him and i were talking and he has jealous issues too, just he doesnt show them like i do, and we both agreed to try to let the little things go, and to trust each other more with the opposite sex.

im so willing to put all this behind me and work through it. and im glad i realized before i damaged my relationship with him too the extreme. most of the advice on this page was very helpful. thanks :) i hope that everything works out for everybody.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2006):

I have a similar problem...when I got together with my boyfriend 5 years ago, his best friend (who is a girl) tried really hard to break us up. He had previously had HUGE crush on her and they had kissed a couple of times etc even thought she had a boyfriend of her own. She's a type who loves being the centre of attention and who loves having males staring at her / telling her how attractive she looks. She got jealous when she no longer had him follow her around like a puppy dog and said things that really put me down and made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. To make things worse, he'd tell her everything about us..so it really felt like a relationship of 3 people..not 2.

Anyway, it got to a point 2 years ago when I gave him an ultimatum that it was either going to be her or me..but I loved him to the point that I went crawling back before he made a decision. Now we're actually engaged and he says that she's no longer his best friend and that he doesn't tell her things about us anymore. However, even though I trust him, I HATE it whenever he sees her or goes out with her (even in a group). I can't help it, especially since I find her morally disgusting (she does a whole heap of nude 'modelling').. and now he's saying that he's frightened to talk to me about her cos he's worried I'll give him the cold shoulder...and that he's doubting whether we'll have to future together if I constantly give him the cold shoulder everytime he goes out with someone I don't like. I know I'm probably being unfair on him by giving him the cold shoulder..and he *has* cut down the frequency at which he sees her..and I don't want to lose him.

How do I let him go without feeling angry / hurt and hating him / her everytime he mentions her name? I can't seem to accept that she's going to be a part of his life. Please help..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2006):

I myself was once you. I would want to know where my man was going, sometimes not letting him go b/c I was selfish and wanted him to spend all his time with me. He had to call so I knew where he was, ask if he wanted to go somewhere, and I'd even tell him no just to make sure I still had control. That relationship lasted 6 years, and I regret every second of it. It is hard, what you have to do is turn that contrl on yourself. You have to tell yourself no, I have to let him go, or no its ok he doesn't call every 5 minutes. The relationship I am in now is very healthy. I still have to control myself, sometimes at the expense of my happieness, but when you love someone their happieness comes first. It will be HARD, a lot harder than you think but you have to be strong, your mind knows what you are doing is wrong. You just have to stop. It will probably be one of the hardest things you do in a relationship but you'll be a lot happier in the long run. Good Luck! I hope it all works out for you! Be strong, once you know you have a problem then you can fix it. Good Luck!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2006):

My bf and i have been together for almost 9 months... i'm very controlling and i don't know how to fix it. i get jealous over every little thing and everytime he is with his friends. i need help i dont like the way i am bc i can feel me driving him away slowly and we get into arguments over the littlest things like if he doesnt call i need help and anwsers on how to change the way i am. please help me out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2006):

My bf and i have been together for almost a year and he's getting sick of doing things together. I feel like i give him time with his friends but he still feels he needs a break from me. He never wants to hang out anymore and i feel really lonely. I've been controlling and get mad when he hangs out with other girls. How do i make him wanna be with me?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2006):

I had trust issues with my boyfriend even though he is very old fashioned and trustworthy. Well, let me just tell you that it isn't worth it! I almost pushed him away and it made our relationship hell for almost a year. I still have my moments when I shoot him a glare if he comes home late or watches some tv show with half dressed women (so many shows are like that anymore!)I got out and started doing more on my own which helped me so much. I also started reading "Your best life now" by Joel Osteen. I am not super religious but it is a great book. Best of luck to all!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2005):

my man has the exact same problem with me he dont let me socialise with my girl mates, let alone guy mates. hes so insecure and can get really angry and violent over little things. does this mean hes a control freak and is not right in the head. he dont even let me look nice when im not with him i cant wear clothes that show my figure or makeup. i think you should keep yourself busy dont think about him as much after you bein so over protective hes still with you dosent that show that he loves u and wants you no one else he cud have easly jus told you 2 go away beacuse of all the headache and problems.maybe go 2 a counceler? i dont no how to sort my boyfriend out it's becoming a really big problem everytime i decided 2 finish it he wont let me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2005):

I am the same way you are, it kills me. My feelings take over me so much and my mind plays tricks on me. I'll tell you this much the more i act like this the more he pushes away. Ashly

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005):

Well for 1 you could at least a little trust in him. Call him once r maybe twice out of the day. Let him go places by himself. if you want him around you 24/7 then he is going to leave the realtionship. Let him decide for hiself what he wa`nt to do. Give him a break and i promise he will stick with you even longer.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2005):

Trust me, everyone has been there. You need more in your life. When he is not the ultimate center of your life, then you won't need to be the ultimate center of his. Get a hobby or an activity that you do with your friends. People have to be complete alone to be happy together. You should need him because you love him, not love him because you need him. Otherwise he will always have the upper hand and the relationship will never be balanced. It will also make him respect you more if you are not desperately hanging on him or constantly padding his ego.

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A reader, pops +, writes (24 October 2005):

What do you think other women have that you don't? Why don't you like yourself? Control people are insecure, and have poor self esteem, as two other writers have explained. My two questions go to the heart of the matter for you. Answer them, and you won't need years of therapy. If you can't then seek professional help by all means. When you get rid of your insecurity, you will get rid of jealousy, which is simply a reflection of your poor self esteem and sense of self worth. I would have you make a list of all the great characteristics you have to share with other. At first, you will find this is a short list. You don't like yourself very much, if at all. You are afraid you can't keep the attention of a man you love, and that you will lose him to any other woman that passes by. Stop it. Start by loving yourself. Make that list. Post it somewhere in your bedroom, or on the refrigerator, or on the medicine cabinet near the mirror. Smile at that person you see in the mirror each morning. Talk to her. Tell her how lucky the world is that she is in it. Then run down the lists of greats she is taking to the world this morning. Add to the list as you start to realize what else you are good at. You should be able to add another great characteristic about yourself every week for the first couple of months. If you hit a snag, make a written list of all the things about yourself you don't like. Then put them in order of silly to serious, from things you can't change to those you can. Prioritize the list according to things you can change, form easiest to hardest. Work on that. As you cross off something on the list, add that to the list of good characteristics. Work that change list down, and in no time at all you will feel better, know where you are going, where you have been, and if some guy is stupid enough to not respond to your love, its his loss!

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A reader, schlottjl United States +, writes (24 October 2005):

schlottjl agony auntThere is no easy way to advise a control freak but here is my best offer. Control yourself since it is the only person that you have any sway with anyway. Every issue you mentioned in your question is a SELF- esteem problem. Nothing that anyone says or does will fill this void. Why, because you do not esteem you and as long as you try to get the love from others you will be a victim of there every whim and how you perceive these whims which are obviously viewed from a position of self loathing.

Often when one has no love for self, we secretly believe that we are unlovable and set relationships up so that we cause enough chaos to prove our point (overt jealousy) or we attach to people who could take us or leave us, but hey, free sex and no effort so why not?. The effect is that we then try to control the other person because we sickly think it is our only hope for love.

Unfortunately, if you think about it, it is a recipe for disaster. If we don't drive them away, we are left with an unhealthy wimp we probably will no longer be attracted to and that is all so sad.

So what to do? Every time you want to say or do anything that is controlling another person, remember that you are causing your own suffering and if your going to suffer anyway, you might as well suffer by holding back on controlling others. If you need a plan in advance, have music via ear phones or, a mind/logic game, or a 12 step meeting (Alanon) ready to go to, a friend to call who can help you ride out the moment. Find what ever it takes to refocus your mind.

Also, tell your bf that you have come to realize that you do this, apologize and ask him to help you by pointing out when you are doing it. You will be shocked at the frequency but remain open to the fact you are probably almost always doing this. If he knows you are actively working on this he might be relieved and treat you more lovingly. It might take some time for this to work out (think at least 4 mos to just really regain trust and possibly a year or more to really change your behavior) but trust me, it is worth it.

You will need a hobby, and you might want an account here so you can give advise to those who want it only. ;) But the peace of mind you want is only possible when it comes from you.

No one will ever know what you want, what you've been through, and what you intend but you. To leave your worth or future happiness in the hands of others and then try to control them, in an effort to improve your own life is a very inefficient way to affect your own happiness. Cut out the middleman and take responsibility for your own experience.

You can do this just focus on controlling you first. Say what you need, without expectations and then let the chips fall where they may. That might be the scariest part since who knows where that is, but when they choose you with out you forcing them too, there is a sense of freedom that is worth it all! If I can do it you can too.

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A reader, schlottjl United States +, writes (24 October 2005):

schlottjl agony auntThere is no easy way to advise a control freak but here is my best offer. Control yourself since it is the only person that you have any sway with anyway. Every issue you mentioned in your question is a SELF- esteem problem. Nothing that anyone says or does will fill this void. Why, because you do not esteem you and as long as you try to get the love from others you will be a victim of there every whim and how you perceive these whims which are obviously viewed from a position of self loathing.

Often when one has no love for self, we secretly believe that we are unlovable and set relationships up so that we cause enough chaos to prove our point (overt jealousy) or we attach to people who could take us or leave us, but hey, free sex and no effort so why not?. The effect is that we then try to control the other person because we sickly think it is our only hope for love.

Unfortunately, if you think about it, it is a recipe for disaster. If we don't drive them away, we are left with an unhealthy wimp we probably will no longer be attracted to and that is all so sad.

So what to do? Every time you want to say or do anything that is controlling another person, remember that you are causing your own suffering and if your going to suffer anyway, you might as well suffer by holding back on controlling others. If you need a plan in advance, have music via ear phones or, a mind/logic game, or a 12 step meeting (Alanon) ready to go to, a friend to call who can help you ride out the moment. Find what ever it takes to refocus your mind.

Also, tell your bf that you have come to realize that you do this, apologize and ask him to help you by pointing out when you are doing it. You will be shocked at the frequency but remain open to the fact you are probably almost always doing this. If he knows you are actively working on this he might be relieved and treat you more lovingly. It might take some time for this to work out (think at least 4 mos to just really regain trust and possibly a year or more to really change your behavior) but trust me, it is worth it.

You will need a hobby, and you might want an account here so you can give advise to those who want it only. ;) But the peace of mind you want is only possible when it comes from you.

No one will ever know what you want, what you've been through, and what you intend but you. To leave your worth or future happiness in the hands of others and then try to control them, in an effort to improve your own life is a very inefficient way to affect your own happiness. Cut out the middleman and take responsibility for your own experience.

You can do this just focus on controlling you first. Say what you need, without expectations and then let the chips fall where they may. That might be the scariest part since who knows where that is, but when they choose you with out you forcing them too, there is a sense of freedom that is worth it all! If I can do it you can too.

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A female reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx United Kingdom +, writes (23 October 2005):

xxxsoulsistaxxx agony auntWe all feel like this sometimes, wanting their undivided attention and wanting to feel like we're their world. But it can become a problem if this is all the time. You'll drive him away by doing this, not bring him closer which is what you want.

It sounds like you have a lack of confidence, either for yourself, i.e. you don't think you're good enough for anyone to stay faithful to, or for him i.e. you've been hurt in the past and don't trust men anymore. Either way, you have to sort this problem out before it ruins this relationship and every other one you have.

Get some counselling and sort out your issues with self esteem and the opposite sex. We've all been hurt it the past and things have happened to us that we'd rather forget but don't let them ruin your future. It sounds like you really love this guy calm down, get some help and become the girlfriend you want to be. Good luck

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