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He wants some time apart, but he doesn't want to lose me, either...

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 November 2005) 26 Answers - (Newest, 14 September 2010)
A female , anonymous writes:

Hello, I have been hurting lately. I don't know how to cope with this and I don't know what to do.

Well I was living with my boyfriend, but a few weeks ago he broke up with me. He says he needs his space. He said he has been hurting for a while. He hates his job and his job is stressing him out. When he is stressed at work he brings the stress home and takes it out on me. He says he is breaking up with me because he loves me. He said he is doing this so we can have a future. He said he needs to figure things out so he doesn't treat me that way again.

So I have been looking for a place to stay cause it's hard for us seeing each other every day and it takes longer cause I am still here. He talks on the phone with girls. I understand that he wants their point of view on things but it just bothers me and he is always texting on his phone. I never went through his before so I don't know what to do. He says that we are not done for good; he wants to keep in contact with me still. He says the door is still open. It's never gonna close. He said that I am not gonna lose him forever. He said he still wants me in his life. It's just hurting me.

I am afraid that he might find someone else and that I will lose him forever. He said he is not ready for a relationship and he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He says he needs to focus on himself right now and work on his issues so he said dating someone else he the last thing on his mind. He said he does not want to lose me.

I talked to him and asked him what if you had your space and UI was ready to be with you again and then it was too late and he told me that would never happen.. He said I mean too much to him to lose me. I don't want to lose him forever. I also think the space would be good for us. It can also give a chance to test our love and see how much he really does love me. He said there is still hope for us and he wants me to be more confident in myself. I never went through thi kind of hurt before so what should I do?

So if you can please help me that would be great. thanks.

Always, MzLizzy

View related questions: at work, broke up, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010):

Very wise answers. I have recently been told this by my boyfriend and I told him that I didn't want to sleep with him a number of times but he keeps coming back and I can't resist. It's really hard to stay friends and not be tempted. I think that by getting out of his life till I am strong - will be the BEST thing. It does nothing for one's self-esteem to be used. I have realised that guys only seem interested in girls that don't NEED them. I need to face reality - as the replies have helped me do. I am only hurting myself if I hang on - and I certainly don't want to look sad that's for sure.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010):

So sorry,

What a load of rubbish dumped on you. It sounds like he has cold feet and wishes to cast his net still wider to assure himself no one else is available right now. The horse has bolted he proposed and wants your commitment without his.Whats that about? Tosh.. K

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010):

He doesnt want space he wants the house to himself to see other people. In my opinion he doesnt deserve you and when your togeher and he is talking to more women its because i think he feels like he is The man and he can get anyone he wants but honestly he wants everyone. I don't think he is truthful to you maybe you should find someone else!

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A female reader, thurmus United Kingdom +, writes (2 March 2010):

Dear Mclizzy,

I understand everything you are goin through, it must be really hard for you and i know the confusion and agony that you are going through.

I see that you love this guy and do not know what to do because of the things he said. He is very much confused and he knows that you will always be there for him so he doesnt want to loose you because he can never find a girl like you.

He does need to know one thing, during the time of trouble is when one would need someone to give support, he is confused and is needing some time to figure out but leaving you in a helpless state, cause you cannot ask him much because he is already under pressure, but as you said he has been talking to other girls and is always texting.

so right now you need to clear things, call him and tell that you want to talk to him personally regarding few issues that you have. You need to tell him how you feel. Tell him that you understand what he is going through and are fine with his decision of time apart but are disturbed because of his behaviour towards the girls. Just tell him exactly how you feel and tell him that you would be needing for security and trust while you are apart. see his response to it and Know him better.

And during this time apart you can improve your career and explore yourself more individually as a person, someone who can think for herslef, more matured and wise.

Am sure when the things set right you will be able to make the right choice. God is going to help you!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009):

I am going through the same thing with a boyfriend of 2 years. We have been going through some trouble for the past 6 months so we've broken off things, gotten back together, broken off things, then gotten back together about 4 times. I had a boyfriend. He told me to break up with him and we'll get back together. I did and 3 days later he daid he is scared that he will not be 100% committed and that he doesn't want to hurt me. There is this girl he has been flirtatious with and that he says it is nothing. We were supposed to hang out this morning but he did something with her, lying to me that he was sleeping in. I caught him in the lie and he still won't confess!

Honestly I can tell he just wants me for pleasure and he likes how he is getting attention from other girls, that is why he no longer wants to be committed, he says he loves me, if he does he would be with me 100%. Honestly ladies, don't get back with them. Play the same game as him. He will see it and then want you back, that's when you leave with a big smile on your face. :o)

(MOD NOTE: Please remember to type your answser in lower case next time or it will NOT be put through.)

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A female reader, butlerjany United States +, writes (14 April 2009):

I am going through the same thing. Who would have thought this would happen in a relationship as good as ours after 4 years. He told me he's afraid to commit and doesn't want to waste my time because of his commitment issues. We do not live together and only see each other 2 days per week on our days off. We alternate weekends to visit each other as we live over an hours drive apart. I have no doubt that my boyfriend loves me and never wants to let me go.... and he also told me this. He also told me he would be crushed if we ever split up. He said we should take a month apart. He says he's at crossroads and isn't ready to move in together. He says he's confused. He wants me, he loves me, he doesn't want to give me up, but he's not ready to commit to moving in together. I'm not sure if I can wait or if I'm willing to. It's not like he doesn't have his space. He has 5 days a week. I'll see what happens. Who knows, I may decide he isn't right for me and it was all for the best. I have to admit I'm scared of what he may realize.... that I'm not right for him. But I'm willing to accept that no matter what happens it is for the best and I'm willing to give him the space he needs. However, I'm not going to be waiting by the phone when he does call. I will not call him. I'm going to make him wait for me. Kind of like playing hard to get. I'm going to let him know I love him and I don't want to give up on our relationship. It may work, it may backfire. I think it may wake him up also or bring out the reality. But whatever it is, everything happens for a reason.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009):

You know what? The most nerve wracking answers happen when people are not close to the situation. Yes, it is helpful to be an outside source looking in but however, we are not there to see what has happend and the dynamic that you and your boyfriend share. Don't listen to these people who claim to know what he is thinking/feeling.

I am going through the exact same thing and it is difficult as hell!

Take this time as "you" time. Self-improvement time if you will. It will look bad if you always worry on him. If you work on things that make you happy, it may entice him to see you in a new light. You will no longer be the girl that he trails along. If you show him how independent and self-motivating you can be, it may make your relationship stronger if you reconcile.

Imagine if you were confused about your relationship and you really needed time to put things into perspective...

would you want someone begging and pleading with you and being at your every beckoned call? Yeah, at first that sounds pretty powerful and awesome (probably what he is feeling) but after a while, you would become annoyed that:

#1- He wasn't respecting your space by unwantingly invading it

#2- He had no life and that he was embarassingly desperate and may come off as slightly pathetic

It was hard for me to do these things because it feels natural just to go over there and let things fall into place all the time. I did it! I still feel like doing it! But after you leave his company, i guarantee you just become more confused about things, right?

You are in good company sweetheart. Oh, the games that we play....! Good luck and like I said, work on you for a while. It's a win win. If he wants you back, you will be a better person, and if he doesn't, then you are a stronger person individually!

P.S.- A movie that really helped me during this time was Sex and the City. I am most definetley NOT a SATC fan and am annoyed by most of the things they do.. buuuuut the whole entire movie is about a breakup and the feelings are very accuratley portrayed. I suggest it. Even if you are the tomboy of tomboys, you will get at least a little something out of it.

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A female reader, Butterflyfly United Kingdom +, writes (1 November 2008):

Butterflyfly agony auntMy situation is practically identical. The advice I got from close friends was to move on as swiftly and quickly as possible and be the one who cuts the rope first. That would restore my worth in our dieing relationship. I find it hard to deal withthe broken expectations, but I also get a spring in my step and glimpses of released pressure( however scarce they are) when I think about moving on from him. Waiting around for someone who can't tellyou exaclty whats going on and for how long couldn't possible be a healthy thing to do. I say this now, after a lot of turmoil that lasted for weeks. It's true what they say that time is a healer. I still feel tempted to sneak into his life and assume doormat position but I am keeping strong trying to occupy my time with things that are not so doom and gloom. Life's a battle heh.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008):

Hey. Well, I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend of 16 months and he gave me the same old "let's take time apart ane work on our issues" and two weeks into our "time apart" he was dating a woman that I always suspected had a "thing" for him and was always hovering in the background in our relationship. So, needless to say, he's now dating her and I'm single with all these hurt feelings and pain. And even though he was dating her he was telling me that we were going to get back together and couples take time apart all the time and that doesn't mean their relationship is over. Well, our relationship is over. So, what does that tell you?

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A female reader, FancyFace1117 United States +, writes (22 February 2008):

Ok, let me tell you, I've been going through this and still am, so let me pass you my words of wisdom. First of all, this guy sounds like a real prick. You need to wake up and smell the latte. He's telling you he wants space and yet doesn't want to lose you. That is a big red flag if you ask me. Now I could be wrong here, but one of the two things can be possible. 1) He's got somebody else in mind, and is keeping you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out with this other chick, OR 2)he knows he will never find another great girl like you, yet doesn't want to deal with the burdens of being in a relationship right now, so when he feels like getting involved again, you will still be waiting in the wings for him. Either way, he is USING you! Who the hell does he think he is? He thinks he can have his cake and eat it too? He is so afraid he'll lose you to somebody who is better suited for your love, so he will drag you around in the mud until he makes up his mind? It's a load of bullshit if you ask me. You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of treatment you want. I mean he should be man enough to tell you he just wants out for whatever reason, and not leave you on the backburner, because it is not fair to you. If he cannot commit and you want to, then he needs to let you go. None of this "I need space but I don't want to lose you, so can we still be friends" bullshit. You need to go out and live your life and see where it takes you. Don't put your life on hold for somebody who is that fickle. It's hard trust me, cuz I'm going through that too, but it's for your own good. Just tell him that he can't have his cake and eat it to, he either wants you as his girl or he doesn't. If he doesn't, then you move on and do your own thing. And once you're strong enough, you will know exactly what you need. This just isn't it. Just let him go and do his thing, and live your life. If things are meant to be between you and him, then they will be. But you don't need to stop living your life for him just to find out. Hope I helped. Stay strong!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008):

You know what? I have been through exactly what you are going through right now, so let me pass along some words of wisdom to you. First off, rewind back to what you said earlier about him not wanting a relationship right now and yet he still doesn't want to lose you. What does that tell you right there? Do you seriously think he wants you in his life because he loves you? Come on honey, wake up and smell the latte, he is using you! I may be wrong but I know from experience that when a guy has another girl on the side, he will keep the other girl who loves him with all her heart on the backburner just in case it doesn't work out with this other bimbo. OR, he knows that he will never find another great girl like you, yet doesn't want to deal with the burdens of a relationship right now, SO he will keep you on the backburner until he is ready to get involved again. He doesn't want to go through the hassle of finding another great girl. So you need to ask yourself this? Are you willing to be used like that? I mean I could be wrong, but I'm trying to get you to think with an open mind here. If he wants out of the relationship for whatever reason, he needs to tell you he wants out, none of this "I just need space, but still need you in my life" bullshit. Everybody has thier own reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship anymore, and it is their right, but they have to let you go. They can't have thier cake and eat it too. So, do you have enough self confidence to realize this? If I were you, I'd tell him "Look, you can't have your cake and eat it too. I am not going to sit around and wait for a guy who just doesn't know what he wants". Go out and live your life, and see where it takes you. If things are meant to be with this guy, then somehow it will all fall into place. Hope I helped..Stay strong!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008):

Hi,

I'm sorry to tell you, but he does not want to be with you anymore. He's just trying to let you down/out of the relationship gently.

When you say he is stressed at work and he takes it out on you, I think your incorrect. I think what probably realy happens is that he is soo happy to get out of their (work) but then comes home to you and you do something (again) that annoys the hell out of him, he lets you have it and makes it known how he feels. If he really cared for you and wanted to be with you, you would be the only one he wants to be with, would have forgotten his ex ALONG TIME AGO, and would greet you with open arms when he gets home.

Look, he's just not that into you. Leave him alone; that'll really make him want you more! And when he does come back, he still won't truly want to be with you, he'll probably just be trying to fulfill his needs (Don't do it!). Stay strong and stay smart. When you say no, the world opens up doors to you because you have become strong enough to look inside those doors. It may sound like BS, but trust me from experience, your "man" doenst want you. Face it and get over it. As soon as your able to leave him alone and realize that you don't need anyone in your life, someone else (10x better) will come along. You were born alone and you will die alone, your life and happinness depends on how you live it and the actions you take.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008):

I have to be honest and say that yes sometimes space apart is a good thing, it is evident that he loves you, but isn't he just being a little selfish by tagging you along too...so the door is open for him, either way, whatever he chooses yu are going to be right there waiting. If you decide, yes YOU decided you want to give him a second chance make sure it is what you want and that you trust him not to do it again and make him promise to work through issues with you....believe me, I have been through this with a guy I was very much in love with...he had those same feelings three times and three times we broke up! Sometimes you got to understand that if someone loved you 100% would these doubts be there...its' up to you, but please think of number one here! Take care!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007):

oh my god! i am going through the exact same thing right now with my husband! we've been married for just over a year, we've been together for almost 5 years. He moved out a few weeks ago, paid one months worth of extra rent, and I have until the end of the month to be out. I'm so hurt and lost. He's cut all contact with me. He took my name off everything and regularly threatens to disconnect my cell phone, it's on his contract. My name is on his car loan, he didn't qualify for it alone. We only bought it 2 weeks before he decided he needed space. We even discussed this very senerio before signing the papers. I am so hurt and lost and don't know what to do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007):

My situation seems even more complicated. I followed him to live in a country where I didn't speak the language. That's one of the reasons I had some financial problems. But this wasn't an urgent issue for me, because I was in love with him and thought i will work things out. I got used to relying on him the whole time since we moved in together for a few years ago. He supported me in all ways and I'm afraid I become totally dependent on him. Because of all the issues and his work he gets depressed and started rejecting me and we didn't have sex for a long time even though when we were still together. We started having fights everyday, and one of the biggest reasons for Him was my dependence and financial issue that cause him to break up with me. And it made us both really mad lately. So last several months he said he can't live with me anymore and needs a break, he literally and angrily yelled this hurtful, move out' words. and I moved out of his apartment. He says he still cares about me so much, may be we have a hope in the future or even after I improve my downsides/ situation he wouldn't be sure if we can be together again. I still love him and I understand I couldn't try harder to make things work equally. But I can't even find a word to define this kind relationship. He says now it's all depend on me, then he says he's not sure if we can be together again...what does it mean? once he says he wants me to prove him that i can be independent. then since i moved out, he rarely talks to me nor tries to hang out even in the groups when I invite him. But he's been still supportive I guess. Then one day he came over to my place and asked for his keys, which in fact made me very offended and disappointed. Because it seems like he doesn't trust me anymore, i'm not someone valuable to hold the key for his house or may be even he wants to make sure i don't bother him while he has 'guests' in his place. I'm being jealous here. but it's still very hurtful to hear him say why do you need the key when you don't live there anymore. I know why i'm still bitching about it, feeling myself hurt and lonely, because even after we said some hurtful things to each other and the fact he was the one who brought up this 'break up' idea first, I do believe he has a good heart and attitude. I'm just not sure how long it'd last. Even though he said not looking, i worry that there's a good chance he'd find someone better than me in some ways.

Do I need to leave him alone and not contact him at all or try to be a good if not just a friend for him? although, it's risky to ignore him and not get in touch with, cause then he will step back and never look back to me making a good excuse that i ignored him so he tried and gave up, then he feel better to move on without forever. But then being like friends might make him think that i'm trying to trip him too nice and get him back. it would look so unreal. because he knows i'm not always very friendly with others either.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007):

I am dealing with the same thing. It hurts a lot. But I came to the realization that if I hold on to it.......it just makes things harder for myself. I am now keeping my space and doing me. If he ever decides he wants me back he has some work to do. Its not going to be easy for him. It will be okay. Trust me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007):

I am going through the exact same situation right now. My boyfriend is extremely confused. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He's stressed out with work, and school right now, and he says I am only adding to his stress. We have been fighting all the time, and it feels like we are "just waiting to break up". I had finally told him that I just wanted to be friends untill he found out what exactly he wanted.

I think women have a tendancy to be clingy when they feel like they are about to lose someone they love. It's out of fear and desperation I think, and it hurts. A lot.

I believe the best thing you can do is be a very good friend. No one wants to lose a good friend. Everything would be the same except no sex, and you're both getting more time to yourselves.

Basically you have to get in the mindset that you will never lose him. I really love my boyfriend, and I've come to terms that he might not want me as a girlfriend in his life. And I'm very okay with that, because if you truely love someone you will want them to be happy and want what's best for them. I think my bf/x-bf(whatever we are right now) picks up on that, and it takes away from the stress of having to juggle all his stresses, and a big bonus-we are becoming really good friends, which is way better than being in a shallow relationship.

The hardest thing to do is to trust a confused bf. I know EXACTLY how that feels. I don't know who he e-mails on myspace, or who he talks to or hangs out with while I'm not there. Instead of asking "Hey! are you seeing other girls?" (which sounds bad no matter how you put it, and insecure at that) I told him "If I don't make you happy I want you to find someone who will. I really want what's best for you." I think not only did I show I wasn't afraid to lose him, but also I was extremely secure. He reassured me he didn't want anyone else, which sounds like the same situation as yourself.

It is scarey, the thought of losing someone you love so much, but I think we confuse space with rejection. Just because a guy wants his space doesn't mean he's rejecting you as a gf, it just means he needs to figure out how to be a better person. And that's something you should be proud of him for, not loath him for. And you definatly shouldn't be scared.

Be strong! and Good luck!

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A female reader, Melly06 +, writes (13 August 2006):

ive been there in that situation im in it now to be honest you need to tell him that your not gonna wait round forever and give him a time as to how long hes got like say a month? and if he does love u he shouldnt be texting other girls unless there just mates of his because that him having it both ways it sounds to me like he needs to grow up a bit talk to him properly and say he may think hes got you forever but if he doesnt dicide then leave then maybe he will see ur serious

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006):

He wants his cake and to eat it, too.

If he keeps you hoping that you will reconcile, you remain "in the wings" til he decides what to do with you. Or, worse yet, he doesn't want to hurt you be telling you the truth. Been there. Done that. Once they ask for space? They are DONE with you. Sorry. You deserve better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006):

sorry , but im in the exact same situation ,

and i just am letting my guy have that space

its so hard i can merly handle it

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A female reader, brittany_smith777610 +, writes (4 December 2005):

my bf said he want time apart a way from me and i want to know why

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A female reader, Revhead +, writes (16 November 2005):

Dear McLizzy,

I believe though this may hurt your feelings, he has already found someone else, that may be able to give him something that he thought you couldn't. What seems to be happening is, he needs you on the back burner, just in case the other relationship/fling/affair doesn't work. Be brave and say go, I don't deserve this and find someone whom appreciates you for all of you. GO GIRL

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A reader, schlottjl United States +, writes (16 November 2005):

schlottjl agony auntI think he is trying to be nice but is not doing a very good job. I have to assume you moved into his place because you do the moving when he wants to see other chicks. Nice. He wants to have sex with you and others too. Very nice.

Listen to the guy above but don't follow his advice.. Why not free sex? Would the biggest slut win? NO, at least not any prize you want to win!!!

DO NOT sleep with him at all. If he wanted just you and committed to that, fine. But why reward his bad behavior. Let him go to sow his oats. Realize that he is probably trying to soften the blow and to see if he can have his cake and eat it too. If not, hey you were let down lightly, (in his mind.)

The guy above is absolutely correct about hanging around and seeming sad though. Look at his post. It is the perfect and clear expression from the “guy” point of view which is that he wants other girls, fun and no responsibility or commitment (at least to you.) Crimping his style. His perfect alternative is to only have the fun with you while not taking responsibility nor committing. Sounds great for you, right? Watch him flirt and desire others quietly, in fact endorse this boorish behavior , and if you are lucky, you can have that for life.

Instead if I were you:

Get out of the dwelling A.S.A.P.. If he starts to have second thoughts, you enforce the cooling off and tell him you’re not easy. And worry about loving a guy who so easily is willing to hurt a person if he loves that person. Demand respect by enforcing good personal boundaries and let him know you appreciate his attempt to soften the blow. You know it is over forever and you will need some time to process that before you can see him again at all. Ensure that he knows you do still love him and that is why it hurts. You can handle it but are human so, the physical relationship has to end so that you don't hold onto false hope. This is why you can't see him right now. Any sex would be meaningful to you and compound your pain (while relieving his at your expense.) If he ever did love you, he must know this and respect your pain. He wants out not you so he needs to be cut off there if for no other reason than to shoulder his part of the pain.

He may very well see that you were the one for him when his fantasy life of single-hood does not work out. Then if he tries to get you back YOU MUST make him earn it or he will be tempted to pull this again. Men do not respect easy or cheap chicks . They are not the quality that one wants to be associated with for life. They have desires and are human so he wants a girl he is poud to be with and men want to have a girl he was lucky to have (vs a gal that everyone can get.) Hard to get or rare to have means value. Smart people treat valuables as special and loved. You care for the valued and you don't throw it out to be snatched up by the next guy to pass by.

The hope you hold onto to help you get past the hell that has been handed to you is that you have learned something. You know what you do not want a man to do to you. You now know that you must be selective in love and that your giving of yourself in the future is going to be rare and valuable. Any man that can’t get this does not deserve the rare beauty that is you. Like the knites of old, make them prove themselves to gain YOUR approval. DO NOT have your approval and worth decided by them. Cut the supply of you sexually and as you learn in economics the demand for you will rise. As ladies we should not forget our special value and that we are the deciders NOT THEM!!!! You have the goods and you have the say. You decide your future and if he wants you back , and really gets how stupid he was, great You are the prize and the sooner the men you may approve for dating get that, the happier they will be. I know it hurts so much. But do not allow him to define your worth. You do that. If you take the control in your life, set good boundaries and insist on respectful treatment, you will get it. I hope you are okay and that if you can do this that you will feel how good empowerment can be and you will never have to face this again at such a level. If you get through this and take back your life, pass the wisdom you learn on. One thing is for sure, you are not alone. We all go through this at some point (or marry the first guy to come along and always wonder... was there more?)

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A reader, communicatrix +, writes (15 November 2005):

communicatrix agony auntIt sounds like your boyfriend is going through a lot right now—so much so that he's not really sure what it is he wants, or when, or how, or if.

In a way, he's exactly right when he says he wants to cool it awhile for you. On some level—perhaps the one he's aware of, perhaps another he's not—he knows he is not ready for you right now. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or wish he was ready; it just means the timing is off. I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you: who would want to lose someone they loved, who cared so much about them?

But let's look at you. This halfway thing—his ambivalence, his texting and calling girls, his confusion—is clearly causing you pain. That's understandable, because you care about him, but at some point you've got to do some caring for yourself and give yourself some space and time to heal, to find what it takes *besides* this relationship with him to make you happy, and to go for it. Your own space is good. Some real time apart is good. And that may mean no contact at all for awhile, because often, some contact hurts much, much more than none at all.

I know you're going through it for the first time and there's a huge pain that comes along with that, but rest assured, this sort of thing does not hurt less when it's happened before. You just understand it better. You come to learn that it's part of the rhythm and flow of life, part of the cycle of life itself.

I think it's good that he wants you to be more confident in yourself. I think you *should* be more confident in yourself. After all, you are the one person who will definitely be with you for the rest of your life.

If you can be brave and strong enough to strike out on your own, to leave him and take a real break, to go off and discover your own inner workings and the amazing core of resilience that is you, deep down, you may stand a better chance of having something work out between you and this fellow. Or, believe it or not (and I know you don't or won't or can't right now), you may find yourself having moved on to something and someone even bigger and brighter than you can imagine.

Leap. Have faith. Yes, it's hard, but from one who's done it, the rewards are tremendous.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005):

I agree with him. Given what he is going though he really does need his time and space to get his legs back under him.

Draping yourself on him and being needy is just going to define you as part of his problems. Dont do it.

Let him know that what you want in the future and then drop it. Dont go bringing it up.

Become a friend- text him jokes, go out in groups, let him talk to girls. Be there for him with a no-strings physcial relationship if you think you can handle it.

When he feels he is back in control of his life, he will feel like being in a relationship again. Until then dont go bring it up.

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A female reader, lovaholic +, writes (15 November 2005):

Start reading how to retrieve a lover & how to catch him& keep him RIGHT AWAY!! I did & my relationship (like yours) has actually started to turn around. My BF broke up w/me a month ago..said I'm not the "one" & he needed a break to assess his feelings. Well, after reading those books (downloadable) we are now talking almost every day, he invited me to his Xmas party & things seem better. Good Luck!

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