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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, Please help. Me and my bf have had an on-off relationship since the end of January. We've gone out with each other at least 3 times if not more, each time I've dumped him. Itss cuz he's cheated on me with his ex (or so I'm told it's his ex). We have been together for 2 weeks now. We chat on MSN every day for like 6 hours, even when we have just been mates. Since we have got back together he's been coming on MSN less and less. Now I'm lucky if I talk to him for 1 hour a day. When he's online he says he loves me and will never let me go, but is he trying to tell me something? Can I trust him? What's going on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2006): When we newly meet people to date, usually both people want to explore the relationship together. They do a ton of talking and connecting. This guy's actions are not very loving although, he's saying "he loves you, etc". I think the word 'love' is being carelessly tossed around here, without you both understanding it's full meaning. Many young people do this. You have a bf you have dated 3 times or more since the end of January, as well as the past 2 weeks. That's not a very long time to begin expressing 'undying love' for each other, is it. Now, you are experiencing doubts. When a person gets these little niggling 'inner' voices they are trying to tell her something, I say... listen. You two are barely established. He's cheated on you with his ex and you dumped him. Now you are concerned about whether you can trust him? Well....trust is earned in a relationship, over a long period time and by acting honorably to the object of one's affection and trust building is a long term process. This is not what your bf is doing, hun. He's not completely over this other girl..and I think you should start protecting yourself by slowly backing away. Maybe you should not be so focused on him and start living your own life again, other dating interests and just having some fun in life. I know you like this guy, but you are making the common mistake so many girls do, when they begin dating a guy they like. They lose themselves-completely. Stop doing that. Keep your wits about you and take this day by day. Start thinking with your head, hun..not your heart. Be strong and don't allow some guy to come in your life, only to cheat on you and cause you heartache. His actions are speaking loud and clear. He's simply not ready for another relationship. Now get out there and live your life, with other interests, other activities, other friends and really think about what he's done to you. Good luck and I wish you the best.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (21 March 2006):
 I cannot tell from your question whether you are long distance or not but either way, six hours is a VERY long time to chat (even in person. . . and even if, like me, you are social and talkative.) Particularly for any guy. In fact it is long enough to run off about two thirds of the guys out there. There is no way that communication for that length of time can go on for longer than a few weeks, if not only a few days, before life will come calling and pull one of you away.
The only thing you can say for certain is that you have at least taken the relationship to a new level. Good? Bad? Who can tell? Only your boyfriend. It might be that he is comfortable now. So back to availability; if chatting on line is your only contact, consider that it might not be a good enough alternative for either one of you.
IF you can see each other, then ask him why the change. Even better for now, assume that you and he are more comfortable with each other and everything is just fine. Just stay watchful to any other changes. If you come out as needy and demand a confrontation he will probably run the other way. If you seem confident and happy, he will be drawn to you.
Finally, you say he cheated with you with his ex as you are told? You are not sure he cheated but broke up anyway, or he said she was an ex. The reason for the question is important to your future and happiness.
If the answer to the first is that others told you he cheated and you did not talk with him about it, then consider that it was unfair of you to break up and not fair to accept the gossip of others over trust in your boyfriend. If that is what happened then you may be the cause of your own misery.
What I mean is that sometimes our own fears and worries become reality because of our own actions and because of the level or intensity of that fear whatever it is. For example, if I became so worried that my BF would cheat that I became punishing and distant so that he would love me more and validate me and my fears by reassuring me that he is loyal, then I could cause more stress in his life and instead of wanting me more, might become frustrated and instead feel trapped in the drama that I cause. He would also likely worry about making me even more up set. Eventually, he would have to go outside the relationship to get his needs met- doing exactly the thing I feared the most. It is a self fulfilling prophecy.
If on the other hand I worked on my own fears and went to therapy to discover why I needed so much more than anyone could reasonably give, and found ways to be responsible for those needs even to the point of taking care of myself, I would have a balanced approach in my dealings with men. I might love my BF but at least I would know that I would be okay without him not to mention A LOT more fun to be around (which is the secret with guys. If it is not fun to be with you, they won’t be.)
The reason for the second question is why would it matter if she was his ex or not. Cheating is cheating. To take someone back after cheating should only be done if you choose to trust the person again eventually but definitely only if you have forgiven them.
I once heard some one say that a sex act only lasts for a certain time. Punishment can easily be more cruel if it goes on and on. Whether he chooses you or his ex should not be the question and should not mean you or she is worth more. In fact, it doesn't really matter. What matters is only this:
Do you feel loved and do you love him? If yes then every time your mortal mind tries to ruin everything CHOOSE to take control of your thoughts and choose to let things run their course no matter where that goes. You cannot change how much he loves you accept to reduce it. Any time you try to you can only fail. The only thing you have then to do is to stay alert, calm and true to yourself. The only question can really be is, is he good enough for you? Choosing him is all that matters. You will survive no matter how he eventually answers this for himself. But life will not be nearly as good if you fail to even ask this important question too. So long as you don’t you give him permission to act anyway he wants. He will get away with anything after all. If he knows you are asking this basic question, he is likely to quit playing games and become more real. Even if you don’t like the real him. At least you will know him real-ly. ;)
Good luck to you and remember to double check yourself. The goal is to choose to be happy. Let nothing distract you from that, particularly your own mind.
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