A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for two years. We have both been married before and have children from previous relationships, we also have our own four year old son. We have had quite a few problems in the past but have always managed to resolve them. A few weeks ago my husband dropped a bombshell on me and told me he cannot live with my 15 year old daughter and that his feelings for me have changed. I love him very much indeed and I desperatly want to make our marriage work. He has offered me an ultimatum: either I go with my daughter and leave him with our son or my daughter goes and lives with her grandparents (as she has done so before) and we make a fresh start in a new house with our son. He thinks that his feelings for me could change if it was just the 3 of us. It is nice when the 3 of us are together but I so scared of messing up my children's lives. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): He has absolutely no right to make you choose between him and your daughter. He knew right from the beginning that you have a daughter, right? And he made a commitment to you, right? So what gives him the power to suddenly change all that and mess with your daughter's life? If you do this, it is seriously going to affect her. How would YOU feel if your mother had sent you to live somewhere else so she can start a new life with her new family?
He is being very selfish. He hasn't taken your feelings and wellbeing into consideration at all, nor your daughter's. Your daughter is YOUR responsibility, not her grandparents'. I obviously don't know much about this man but it seems he is trying to control you just to see how much power he has over you, what he can make you do for his 'love', which he won't even guarantee anyway. This is emotional abuse. If I were you I'd take my daughter and my son and leave him. He obviously doesn't really care for you or your daughter. Is that the kind of example you want to set for your little boy? Your partner knew when he married you that you have a daughter. She is YOUR daughter. Your flesh and blood. If he can't live with her and he's not sure of his feelings for you, then HE is the one with problems and he needs to sort them out before he ruins your family. Please don't do this to your daughter. He has no right to ask this of you and the fact that he would even consider giving you such an ultimatum just shows how selfish he is and how little he really cares for you.
A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (15 September 2007):
 You have a responsibility to your daughter. You didn't say she did anything at all to deserve this. Had she set fire to the house purposefully or tried to kill your other child I could understand. But this is vindictive and horrifying. I don't know where you live, but this is emotional abuse if he just decided to try to wield this "power" he thinks he has. It is disturbing. He knew you were a set when you married. If you want to face yourself in the future you need to ask a few questions of yourself. First, whey does he determine who your children live with and where? You are their parent too. You get a say. The choice is not only those with which he gave you. For sure I would not choose either but instead make my own based only my and my children's best interest. There are shelters where you could go with both or all of your children. This man probably should not have total say in the life of your son unless you think that your son would be learning healthy values from this dispicable display.What ever you do, even if your daughter is stirring things up, particularly if she is stirring things up, don't abandon her. You are her mother and you need to make that a priority over any other relationshipShe needs you now as much as ever and is looking to you to see how she should allow a man to treat her. Screw his feelings for you. They seem to be selfish and fickle. Perhaps he is bluffing to see how far you will be pushed and how much he can get away with. You can now show him that you are reasonable but not to mess with you or your babies. Be the momma bear and let no one... ever... mess with your babies. If he doesn't wake up and smack himself on the head and fearfully ask what just possessed him, RUN. This is only a beginning of the hellish hoops he has in store for you.
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reader, schlottjl +, writes (15 September 2007):
You have a responsibility to your daughter. You didn't say she did anything at all to deserve this. Had she set fire to the house purposefully or tried to kill your other child I could understand. But this is vindictive and horrifying.
I don't know where you live, but this is emotional abuse if he just decided to try to wield this "power" he thinks he has. It is disturbing. He knew you were a set when you married.
If you want to face yourself in the future you need to ask a few questions of yourself. First, whey does he determine who your children live with and where? You are their parent too. You get a say. The choice is not only those with which he gave you. For sure I would not choose either but instead make my own based only my and my children's best interest.
There are shelters where you could go with both or all of your children. This man probably should not have total say in the life of your son unless you think that your son would be learning healthy values from this dispicable display.
What ever you do, even if your daughter is stirring things up, particularly if she is stirring things up, don't abandon her. You are her mother and you need to make that a priority over any other relationship
She needs you now as much as ever and is looking to you to see how she should allow a man to treat her.
Screw his feelings for you. They seem to be selfish and fickle. Perhaps he is bluffing to see how far you will be pushed and how much he can get away with. You can now show him that you are reasonable but not to mess with you or your babies. Be the momma bear and let no one... ever... mess with your babies.
If he doesn't wake up and smack himself on the head and fearfully ask what just possessed him, RUN. This is only a beginning of the hellish hoops he has in store for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): My mom chose men over me all of my life & trust me I resent her for it every day. Even now that I am 26, I still think of what a bad mother she was & how I would never even think of chosing anyone over my children now that I am a mother. Please don't do this to your daughter. If she is a bad child then get her some help. Maybe send her to bootcamp for a while. But don't kick her out because a man wants you to. That is awful. She's only 15, this is the hardest time in her life. If she were 21 or something, it'd be a bit different but she is still a child & is your responsibility, not her grandparent's.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (14 September 2007):
 Don't even consider sending your daughter away. Get a lawyer. Do NOT leave the house. Do NOT leave your son with him. If someone needs to leave, it's him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): How can you love a man who could even 'think' to give you such an ultimatum, let alone 'ask' you?? Dear, I do not care if this teen daughter of yours is like 'Godzilla' reincarnated, you are her Mother and you do not abandon her by sending her off to make her someone elses's problem. The first thing you do with your husband, is get her and yourselves (hubby and you) into family counseling. You need help and fast. The path to a solid, supportive, healthy family life starts with the painful decision to do the right thing for this teen daughter of yours. If you abandon her now just because you 'worship' this man, and he has given you an ultimatum you will likely leave scars on her that could cause future problems for her and you. However, there are times in families where an adolecsent acts up and they are happier and better off with another family member. But...before you make any decisions for her betterment and happiness, involve your daughter's input and contact a family therapist. Just make absolutely sure you do the best thing for HER. Not becuae you unthinking husband gave you a ridiculous ultimatum. That is a very unloving thing to do to you. I wish you and your daughter the best and take care, hun.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 Why does he want your daughter to go? It's not very normal thing to pick and choose the children that you wish to raise - because your new husband wants to abandon them. A child of 15 is still a child and probably needs MORE guidance, not less. What kind of example are you setting for her to raise her own children? Her own relationships? What kind of example does it set for your 4 year old? Will he have to tow the line and be perfect, or be rejected like his half-sister, when he is not convenient or a perfect son? Frankly, the only reason that I would consider moving my daughter out is if he was molesting her - and even then I would kick him out before her - but you did not exactly explain WHY he wanted her gone. What does he mean that his feelings for you have changed? He doesn't exactly sound like a parent or a grown-up. He did take vows with you, to be constant and faithful. Under what circumstances did they suddenley disappear? Frankly, I'd put my foot down. Someone in the house has to be responsible and do the right thing. Put the desperation aside and take care of your children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): It's a no brainer....kick HIM out of the house! Has he said WHY he cannot live with your daughter? I know a man who has recently got together with a friend of mine who has a little girl and he loves her like his own and told me he would feel so proud if she decided to call him daddy one day. Ideally, thats the sort of person your husband should be, but he should at least be someone who can live in the same house as her!
He knew you had a child the day he got with you, and that means you come as ONE package that CANNOT be split apart because that's the way he wants it. How selfish. Ultimatums do not work in a relationship.
I really hope you aren't considering kicking her out, as who's to say it may all end between you and this man in the future? And if that happens and you decide you want your daughter back with you, you may find that she doesn't want you back because you treated her like a toy to throw away. If you reject her for him you WILL mess up her life as she'll always feel you didn't love her enough to tell this man where to go. It'll be hard, but do not give in to his selfishness or you may be doing it all your life.
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