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... Send *chlottjl a private message | | | *chlottjl's profile:I am a mom from the San Francisco Bay Area. I have a degree in Economics and a minor in philosophy and almost in Psychology. I wont take sides in arguments because no matter what it seems like, no one knows enough about what is really going on to judge. (Sometimes, least of all, those closely involved!)
I tend to empathize with both sides in arguments and try not to see things as simple. Human nature means there will be misunderstandings. It is only when we are honest with ourselves about who we are and what we want and need, are honest and sincere about communicating that to others, and choose quality people to share our time, that we have a chance at turning problems into opportunities for growth and happiness.
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My daughter is involved with a man 36 years older than her!
Q. Hi there, I have a 16-year-old daughter and have recently found out that she is dating a 52-year-old man. She is talking about marriage and children with this man; personally I don't understand why she wants to marry someone so much older than...
A. 22 August 2005: Is there any way you/she could get away for awhile? Do you have any relatives out of town where she could stay for a time to allow her to forget him? She could do a semester away. Or, does she do any out of the home activities? If she engages in ... (read in full...)
My son is getting into trouble causing "emergencies", and I don't know why...
Q. I am a mother with a 14-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter. He seems to have a worrying obsession with emergencies and said to me the other day "Emergencies are funny. As long as no-one is killed or seriously hurt, then an emergency is fun...
A. 17 August 2005: As well as the above advice, also try to use behavior modification.
Catch him acting correctly and give him the attention you know he loves even if he is barely acting good. When he brings up emergencies. Look at him with the "look" mixed with a b... (read in full...)
My life has been horrible up to now, but I'm scared my great new boyfriend will find out about my past!
Q. I am having a problem. All my life I'm faced with things that hurt me so much. For example my ex made me have an abortion as it wasn't his (we got together before I found out I was pregnant) now I regret it every day and miss my little boy. My bes...
A. 17 August 2005: First, technically any time you are forced to have sex against your will it is rape. However, there are times when girls have not made any attempt to say no to a boy that she has said yes to numerous times and if she were to pull herself out of her ... (read in full...)
Could I have lost my virginity without meaning to?
Q. I've been with my boyfriend 8 months. We've done some bad things like heavy petting and giving each other orgasms, but I wanted to save losing virginity for marriage, but I love him and I wonder if I haven't already gone that far without meaning to. ...
A. 8 August 2005: I agree with Rebecca Batchelor. Actual penetration is when sexually charged actions become actual sex.
I am beginning to see a pattern with the virginity questions here and I think what is missing is that as women will solidify their bond to ... (read in full...)
When we go out I have to make all the overtures and keep the conversation going. It's starting to get me down...
Q. I am really interested in a guy I play volleyball in the same team with. I have just taken up 10 pin bowling and he is a very good bowler, we have been bowling a few times now but I can't get him to talk. He is shy, I am shy and I am making all the ...
A. 8 August 2005: Do you like him? How do you know? He won't speak so you are left to fill in the blanks and you like what you want of him and from him. But what happens if he is nothing like his bowling swing of volley style has led you to believe. In fact what if ... (read in full...)
Love my girlfriend, but I think she hangs with the wrong crowd. Is that too controlling?
Q. Right, here it goes.... I have found the love of my life, which I'm sure of. I am not slacking on thinking of spending the rest of my life with the person. I am not one of these guys who want to have a good time or whatever. What I think is that ...
A. 8 August 2005: It is not your job to get through to her. If you love her, just relax and let her make her choices. You don't have to hang out with them but, the way your going, she will eventually have to choose between you and ALL of her friends.
You gave no ... (read in full...)
When I'm out, my boyfriend goes and checks the porn sites. He didn't stop when I asked him to...
Q. Dear Cupid My boyfriend is always looking at porn and dating sites on the computer when I'm out. He is very secretive about it. I told him many times I don't like it but he won't stop. Should I worry and what should I do next?...
A. 7 August 2005: If he is dating others via web sites, he is not really your boyfriend and is instead a guy who includes you in his sex play just as he does others. If he views the naked amature sites and does not contact others, that is just free porn.
If he lo... (read in full...)
I don't know how to tell if she fancies me!
Q. hi I'm a eleven year old boy who's deeply in love with this girl. We are going out but I dont know if she really fancies me. Somebody please tell me how I can tell! ...
A. 7 August 2005: Girls will laugh at your jokes more and will be near you constanly. She will touch your arm or brush your shoulder a bit more often too.
If you want an easy way to test how they feel with out too much risk, try this:
While hanging out in a... (read in full...)
Why do girls I date say I'm not making mistakes, then dump me anyway?
Q. It's not like I am asking them to marry me or be with me forever. Why does it seem like every girl leaves me for someone else? I mean, they are decent guys. I am sure they love them for one reason or another. When you are in my shoes, and almost ...
A. 7 August 2005: Here is the thing about girls. If you are just a bit aloof you will do better. If you are head over heals and they are too you are doing nothing wrong. Unfortunately, if you feel more or come on as the great catch too soon, you will turn them off. ... (read in full...)
I told him I love him, but his mom says that scared him. How do I show him I'm the one for him?
Q. I am in love with the most amazing guy in the world, he is what made me realize what love actually is. He is now currently in the USMC and will be gone for about 3 more years. Me and him have never actually dated, but weve been very close and have...
A. 7 August 2005: What ever you do calm yourself down. That is if you ever want to have a chance with him. You come on too strong and you will not only waste your beautiful years, but become a very bad memory to boot.
If you want this guy, HE MUST COME TO YOU. So ... (read in full...)
How far can you go before you've lost your virginity?
Q. At what point does one lose her virginity? Is it just by engaging in sexual acts?- but a kiss is considered a sexual act so how far from heavy kisses to heavy petting can you go before you can consider you've had intercourse and are no longer a...
A. 7 August 2005: Virginity is a technical term meaning that no penis has passed and broken the hymen. The hymen is a membrane in the vaginal canal that will usually break during the first time intercourse is attempted but can also break if you, for example, fall ... (read in full...)
Four years of marriage and things are getting tough...
Q. I have been married almost 4 years and have a son. My husband and I are doing OK now, but have had a tough few years. We don't cuddle much or kiss. We are trying but it seems it should come easy if we are really in love. I also can't get my first...
A. 3 August 2005: The real problem is that many think that love is a state of mind. It is not. Real love feels like a lot of different things but it is not a feeling that is why it is confusing. It is a verb not an adjective (or is it an adverb?). You "be" in love ... (read in full...)
We've been seeing each other for 4 years but I still don't know where I stand with him
Q. 2nd/aug/2005. I'm confused about my lover's feelings. He told me he loves me, but blanks my phone calls and texts every time we get too close. We have been seeing each other for 4 years but still don't know where I stand and I can't get any straight...
A. 3 August 2005: Depends on your age I think. If you are in your early twenties or younger, don't let him not giving you straight answers ruin things. Men don't speak like women. To them, answering "yes" to the question, " What do you want for dinner?" is a straight ... (read in full...)
I'm feeling taken for granted. Is this grounds for a break up?
Q. I'm 19 years old and I've been dating a guy for about 7 months. We've been having some trouble lately & things have become beyond complicated. The relationship started out perfect. After dating for about 2 months he told me he loved me, he's nev...
A. 3 August 2005: 1. Every relationship starts out perfect
2. Every relationship can feel bad at times
3. there is no such thing as grounds for break up- if you want to break up- break up. There is no shame in that. You are too young to worry about it yet.
Put ... (read in full...)
It's been 26 years. Would I be a stalker if I sent him a letter and asked to meet again?
Q. 26 years ago, when I was 18, I briefly met a young musician on vacation whose band had just been in the charts. He was about to leave to stay with his parents in another town (he said) and asked me to go with him. Partly because I had no confiden...
A. 27 July 2005: It seems that you may have built the possibilities up in your mind as you have kind of obsessed about the possibilities. This makes even more sense since you are in a dead end relationship. So after sending the last letter, break it off with your ... (read in full...)
His reaction to my assault was unsypathetic and hurt me a lot. Should I give him another chance?
Q. Hi, I feel that my question somewhat difficult to answer and I know the answer ultimately has to from me but I think that it'd really help to get a couple of alternative perspectives on the matter. I have recently returned from working abroad. ...
A. 25 July 2005: Dump this jerk. Look you know very little about him really. You spent a great deal of time explaining yourself and justifying your goodness when it was not necessary. And that was just in your question.
Ask yourself why you feel like you owe a ne... (read in full...)
Splitting from my boyfriend showed me that I'm just not attracted to him any more. What do I do?
Q. I have just recently gotten back together with my boyfriend of a year after a brief split. We split up because from practically day 1 we moved in together. This coupled with the fact that we worked together resulted in us spending too much time ...
A. 25 July 2005: He could be a Saint, but if you are not attracted or in love with the guy there is NO REASON to date him. If your ultimate goal is marriage, why waist time on an absolute no?
Move on and the sooner the better for you both. And in the future l... (read in full...)
I want to break up with my girlfriend, but she's emotionally blackmailing me and threatening self harm...
Q. I really need to get out of my relationship for my own health and for my future that I could have, but my girlfriend won't let me have. She is emotionally blackmailing me saying she will hurt herself if I leave her and I am the most unhappy I have ...
A. 25 July 2005: OH Not good. I am sorry for you. Do this, if she has a therapist (and she should,) call him/her and tell her what you told us.
If she does not, find a couple’s counselor and make an appointment. While there tell him/her what you told us. If you h... (read in full...)
Does porn turn my boyfriend on better than I do? Is that a normal thing?
Q. I can see this is a normal question but I feel my situation is a little different. I found my boyfriend looking at porn the other night. I don't care that he looks at it, but I don't like him hiding it from me. We had sex the previous night an...
A. 25 July 2005: Don't feel bad about this. Enjoy the effects instead. All men are visual and all people tend toward variety, at least visually. Men can't help themselves just as women willswoon for sweet talk and romantic attention. Of course not just any naked ... (read in full...)
I'd like to be a better friend to my brother...
Q. Hi, I think my brother and I aren't as close as we should be. My friend has brother too, but they so close when I heard her talk about her brother I just thought "why aren't my brother and I like that?" Maybe cause we're different ages, I'm 18 and ...
A. 20 July 2005: Oh I am about to cry for happiness here. You are the same age difference as me and my bro. Only now I'm 34!
It is a little tougher to be actual friends at this age but now is the time to begin to build for your future. He is about to begin hi... (read in full...)
I'm so confused because my b/f says he loves me and wants to be with me forever... but he's not sure he wants to get married!
Q. Hi, I am writing to because I hope to get advice from someone outside of my life, someone who doesn’t know anything about my situation. The reason for this is that to everyone I know - I am in 'the perfect relationship' and when I try to ...
A. 20 July 2005: I am printing this out because you could have been me four years ago. So take the advice of jandj. I have been working on it myself still.
Realize that you could be me in four years, same questions and waiting for things to happen. Things d... (read in full...)
My inability to suffer indifference is causing a rift in my marriage...
Q. Bottom line I been married for eleven years now and the children are 4,7,10 years old. I have lost both confidence in my feeling for my husband and confidence in how I feel about myself in this relationship. Having had really bad experience about...
A. 20 July 2005: There is soooo much going on for you! I'm sorry things are tough and I know a lot of what you must be feeling as I too have been in a near 10-year relationship where for no reason I was disliked by his family and he treated me indifferently. Let me ... (read in full...)
I found him hanging out with a group of girls... and he had the hide to introduce me!
Q. What would you do in this situation? Started seeing someone I used to date a long time ago. At first it's cool, then the calls are a little more infrequent, hanging out once a week, maybe twice. So, anyhow, we hang out on a Monday, and then Tue...
A. 17 July 2005: Wait, a group of ugly girls? Say it ain't so. Particularly since you are NOT exclusive. You should not (and neither should he) assume that as soon as you have a second date, or even a fifth or sixth, that the other cannot then talk to one, two, or ... (read in full...)
Showing off my wheels got me in trouble... How do I get out of this?
Q. Ok, I screwed up, I was showin off in the car a little and my g/f mom saw, and now she doesn't trust her daughter in the car with me, what can I do to gain her trust back?...
A. 17 July 2005: There may be no way to because as I see it, you are a danger to her daughter.
You need to realize that there are always ways to be caught when acting immaturly. Do you ever wonder how many other people have witnessed this when you did not know... (read in full...)
My husband and my sister laugh about me to my face...
Q. I think my marriage is just about to be over me and my husband do nothing but fight anymore. He don't ever ask me to do anything with him. He always wants to hang out with my sister and her boyfriend and I just found out that I'm the topic of their ...
A. 17 July 2005: Before you do anything permanent, you need some tools to help you get by today. There are words you can use that will shine light on their behavior and make you feel better when this happens.
Try this when they make fun of you:
Example, The... (read in full...)
She's left 3 times and says she's not coming back for a 4th. But I think I want to propose...
Q. My girl-friend recently ditched me because she thought I wasn’t devoted enough to her - I didn’t measure up to her expectations and she says she’s not one to compromise. I actually was devoted to her, and crazy about her, and I was building up to ...
A. 15 July 2005: Call her and tell her that you would appreciate one last meeting to discuss what happened. Tell her you need the closure and that hopefully you both can get some answers that would help you both in the future.
Then take her out to dinner and tell... (read in full...)
I've tried everything to get him talking....
Q. Me and me boyfriend have been together for a week but I can't keep him talking. I've tried everything, his fave sports, future fantasies, getting his best friend on the phone with us, and just talking about my day. We are both 16 and go to the same ...
A. 15 July 2005: If you can't communicate, how do you know if he is worth it? In fact, many who have been through relationships with non- talkers would say that since you must devine (or guess) their thoughts and feelings, that you infact have no relationship, at ... (read in full...)
Choose my friend, or choose my friend's boyfriend? What do I do?
Q. I have a problem.I love my friend's boyfriend and I think he love me too but my friend don't know about my relation.Both of them are very good to me.I am confused that I should choose my friend or him.What should I do?... ...
A. 15 July 2005: Give them both up for their own good. You cannot love someone that you barely know. If you know him very well you are not dating him so you don't know what he is like in private- if you do, you love a faithless jerk.
You are not a good friend e... (read in full...)
My ex seems way too close to her gay friend. Is she using him to get back at me?
Q. Hi all, I'm in desperate need of help here as its really affecting my everyday life! To keep things short, my girlfriend and I broke up a month and a half ago. The reason for the break up was because we were arguing too much(it was basicall...
A. 13 July 2005: Women joke that we need two husbands- one to F and one to shop with, get nails done with, and talk about men/ the bitch at work (etc) with. There is no better friend than a gay man. They are the best of everything. They are friends like a woman but ... (read in full...)
My long-distance bf broke his promise to me. We care for each other deeply, but can I trust him?
Q. I have been in a long distance relationship for over two years with a smart, funny, loving, thoughtful, and generous man. The problem is this: A year ago he held me down, bruising me. Upon my demand, he went to a doctor, was evaluated for depr...
A. 13 July 2005: Absolutely not. The feelings are intense but they are not love and they are hurtful and destructive! What kind of vow is it to not allow you access to his life. He gave up psychotic hate for you and you give up your personal safety? Think a little ... (read in full...)
My fiance left me alone to deal with my personal trauma. What am I letting myself in for?
Q. Dear All, I am having problems talking to my boyfriend. We are getting married in 3 weeks and I have had some terrible news 2 weeks ago when my brother suddenly passed away. I am hurt and have no one else I can really talk to other than my bo...
A. 13 July 2005: First, I AM SO SORRY for your loss. I do know your agony as I lost my brother suddenly only three years ago. I am still absolutely devastated (and am already crying now...) but it does get easier to cope... eventually. Before we deal with the bf, do ... (read in full...)
We had a physical relationship, but she left me and decided to marry someone else...
Q. hi well I know this sounds funny but I need help.. I happened to get involved with a friend of mine and we shared a physical relationship. Then all of a sudden she decides to get married to someone else, who is a well known person but happened...
A. 13 July 2005: After reading any responses, please consider calling a therapist. They are trained to help non-evasively. They help you to peel back the layers and untie the knots that get you into trouble in the first place.
She could have used that as well as ... (read in full...)
Our sex life is about half what my boyfriend would like, so he gets moody and I feel guilty!
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. he gets very moody when I don't want to have sex and acts like a child. I do not like to have a lot of sex and so feel guilty that I am not interested enough - do I have a problem? If we ...
A. 13 July 2005: Compromise and offer three to four times weekly if he makes all about your pleasure. Men feel validated and loved via sex as women feel validated when listened to and romanced. So if you both agree to do a bit more for each other in the ways that ... (read in full...)
My 15-year-old son says he wants to be "clinically obese"...
Q. I am a mother of two. My youngest son is 11, my oldest son is 15. I have a problem which I need your help with and any advice is appreciated as it is really worrying me. My 15-year-old son told me he would love to be clinically obese as that...
A. 10 July 2005: Wow, he is uninformed. After getting him and yourself to family counseling, consider this. He may be trying to get to you. Are you overly involved in his life? If you question him or badger him about what he is up to while you are not there, realize ... (read in full...)
What if my boyfriend is gay..? He likes his male friend better than he likes me!
Q. What should I do if my boyfriend is likely a gay? We're in the relationship for 2 years and I do love him so much. Now I doubt that he's a gay because he doesn't pay attention to me and always goes out with his friends(man). My girl friends've ...
A. 10 July 2005: Guys tend to prefer spend time with people who are fun to be around. It is not fun to be accused of things when that person does not like your choices. You must relax and be with your friends more to have him choose you. You can't force it.
If he... (read in full...)
Our folks don't like my sister's boyfriend and we think it's his nationality...
Q. Dear Cupid, I'm in trouble...need your help,please ! My parents don't like my sister's boyfriend very much. They've known each other for 6 months. My parents have ever met him just only one time. It's a bad impression of my mom. I think it's cau...
A. 10 July 2005: First, you say that you are in trouble. It seems your sister is in trouble. So breath deeply and relax.
You don't say how old you and your sister are. If you are over 18 and live under their roof, obey their rules while UNDER their roof. If you a... (read in full...)
The threesome with my husband was a total mistake... I just don't know how to fix it!
Q. My husband wouldn't touch me after I had our son. So, after trying everything I could think of, I agreed to his request of a threesome with another man. Now I am completely destroyed. What was I thinking? That is not a choice I would have ever ...
A. 10 July 2005: Have you said that last part directly to him? Something seems off in your explanation history. You say that you wanted to reconnect with your husband so you agreed to invite another MAN into your relationship. That is the opposite of reconnecting ... (read in full...)
I called out the wrong girlfriend's name during sex, even though I'm not in love with her!
Q. I am a 15 year old lesbian and a few months ago I was with this girl called Ashley. We split up. Now I'm in a relationship with this other girl. Problem is, sometimes when we are having sex I call out for Ashley. I think I love the girl I'm with ...
A. 10 July 2005: This is very common. They problem is habit. I call my man by my ex's name (and we broke up 10 years ago!!), the dogs name and any other name I say frequently or used to say frequently... There is nothing at all to it but habit. Our brains have ... (read in full...)
My fiancee and I would like to learn to disagree without arguing...
Q. My fiance' and I have a wonderful loving relationship. However, whenever we argue our tempers always seem to get the best of us. A problem can begin as a simple disagreement and quickly escalate into a major argument for no justifiable reason. We ...
A. 10 July 2005: I just answered a question under the question that said her boyfriend never admits he is wrong and she ends up apologizing. For the full method see my answer there. But here is some of the long post:
Here is what I am practicing. First, no other... (read in full...)
My boyfriend can never admit he's wrong, and I always end up apologising!
Q. Hi everybody. I found this page as a first step to try to salvage my relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and known him for 5. I love him dearly but lately we've been arguing a lot and I feel that he doesn't trust me anymore....
A. 10 July 2005: Ah, the blame game... What if we, as selfishly motivated humans were all to blame, or more likely, no one is absolutely to blame?
In fact, what good is blame anyway. It is an after the fact activity meant to displace responsibility to any place bu... (read in full...)
No longer attracted to my wife. Not sure about moving in with the other woman. Help!
Q. Very Confused. I have been married for 5 1/2 years and have also been seeing another woman whom I fell in love with. I have sex with her, but not with my wife. My wife is a wonderful caring person. She gained weight and I no longer find her ...
A. 6 July 2005: Never give women outside your marriage a second glance. They always appear better than even they are. You only get an idealized version. The version you wish for first and the one she wishes she were second. Talk about impossible odds!
You v... (read in full...)
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